Tag: advice for targets of bullying

Schmooze it or Lose It: 8 Ways to Schmooze Successfully and Increase Your Likability

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Most of us can make friends and be influential. However, when bullies target us, it’s easy to lose our confidence and self-esteem, and, therefore, lose our ability to schmooze, and to exude that je ne sais quoi that naturally attracts people and draws them to us.

So, what is that je ne sais quoi that people covet so much? What is that something that some were born with, yet most can’t seem to put their finger on? What is that mysterious allure these people have that is so captivating that it makes others want to because friends and business partners with them?

Here’s your answer. That je ne sais quoi is called social intelligence. Some may call it charm or charisma. But whatever you call it, it’s something you need to overcome a bad reputation your bullies unjustly caused you to be labeled with.

Have you ever seen a girl or guy, who was, by society’s standards, “ugly as a dog,” yet they had a long line of suitors waiting anxiously to date them? Have you ever known a businessman, who was sneaky as a cat and slithery as a snake, yet could get all the customers and business associates? And did you ever look at these people with envy because you wanted to possess the magic that they did?

I can tell you that I did when I was young. But back then, when I asked my dad how I could go about getting some of that allure, he shot me off my saddle. I was about 14 at the time. This was before he stopped drinking and before we become close again and it seemed my innocent question was an affront to him.

He told me in a scolding tone, “Listen, darling girl, that stuff cannot be taught. It’s not something you can learn. You’ve either got it or you don’t. You’re either born with it, or you’re not. So, you need to accept it and make do with what little personality qualities God choose to bless you with. You’re going to have to cope with the fact that some things, you’re just stuck with.”

This broke my heart because I was already a target of bullying then and I was desperately searching for ways and habits I could form to make myself less a target. Even then, I knew that one had to have at least a degree of persuasive abilities to survive and get through this life. I also knew that bullying was something that held it’s targets back in so many ways.

I wasn’t only brokenhearted, I was crushed. So, I gave up on my quest for a long time and just resigned myself to the possibility that I would always be a target and began to feel hopeless.

Thank goodness that about four years later, I discovered that my dad was wrong and this je ne sais quoi I so strongly desired was, in fact, something people could learn and practice until it became like second nature. And so, I began a years-long quest of ordering and checking out books on irresistible charm and practicing what I learned. And it ended up paying huge dividends!

Before I give you the answers, I must note that, the tips I suggest will never work on your bullies or anyone else who knows you in the bullying environment. I say this because these people already have their minds made up about who you are. Their judgements of you only become iron clad and nothing will ever change their minds. But that’s okay, do you really want to change their minds. And, at this point, do you really care what they think?

Therefore, I’ve always suggested finding a way to leave the bullying environment and going somewhere where you can start fresh with a clean slate. And once you’re in a brand-new environment, you can then put what you’ve learned to good use.

So, what are ways a target of bullying can schmooze successfully and make friends, connections, and allies of the new people he/she meets? Look no further, because here they are:

1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.

2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.

3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).

4. Become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

5. Make people feel good about themselves. If your next-door neighbor’s wife has a brand-new hairdo and you think it looks great, tell her that. If a couple in your church has just had a baby, congratulate them and compliment them on how adorable their baby is. Genuine, heart-felt compliments can make someone’s day. So, don’t be short on praises and compliments. 

6. Say, “Thank you.” If your nephew mowed your lawn for you and your yard looks great, thank him for it and tell him what a great job he has done.

7. Ask questions (without being nosy, of course). Ask innocent questions. For example, if your business partner has a son who’s in his first year of college, ask, “How’s your son doing in school?” or “How does your son like college life so far?” Your business partner will appreciate that you thought to ask and he’ll like you more for it.

8. Be kind. In the increasingly cruel world we live in, a kind word goes a long way. Especially for people who are bullied and abused because they’re the ones who need kindness the most. If someone is having a difficult time, give them encouragement. Finding the voids that people have and filling it for them is the best way to make their day and they’ll appreciate you for it. Remember that kindness costs nothing. So, spread it around!

These are some of the best ways to schmooze and increase your charisma and likability. However, if you’re a target of bullying, you might be too afraid to do these things. But you must take the first step, and do it scared, but once you do and the more you do it, the easier it will come to you until it becomes like second nature.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Notice: I will delve deeper in my upcoming eBook, “Schmooze It or Lose It: Ways to Increase Charisma and Live Down a Bad Reputation”

Why It’s So Important for Targets to Meet New People Outside the Bullying Environment

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If you’ve ever been a target of relentless and excessive bullying, meeting people, especially new ones, can be paralyzing. I can relate because I’ve been there. It’s easy to withdraw from social situations because you’re afraid the new person you meet will reject you. After all, it seems that everyone else you know already has, and you just can’t take another chance of it happening again.

But never be afraid to meet new people because they are opportunities for you to make friends and allies. Total strangers are the best people to meet and establish connections with. They make the best potentials because you have no history with them. They don’t know you from the bullying environment, so, you aren’t a target to them and likely will never be one.

With total strangers, you can begin with a clean slate and have opportunities to put your best foot forward and get a fresh start.

Therefore, when you meet someone new, don’t be shy or nervous. Find out what you have in common with the person to establish common ground. Be genuinely interested in the person because people love the one who’s interested in them and their lives. Make small talk and show them the awesome, one in a million you.

I promise you that you’ll be glad you did, and your confidence and self-esteem will shoot up tenfold!

With knowledge comes empowerment.

Here’s What Bullies Always Do Anytime They Fear that They’re About to Lose Their Power

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…especially if they fear losing their power over their targets! What do they do?

Simple, they attack! Always!

When bullies get exposed and are in danger of losing face, and thus, losing their power over their targets, they know they have real problems on their hands.

They know that if they ever lose power over their targets, they lose power over everyone. Then, they become the hunted!

Understand that bullies always target whoever is perceived to be the weakest or has the least power because they’re the easiest prey. Without the target, they have power over no one. So, they launch a brutal and very public attack on the target to re-enforce their power and the unwritten rule that “no one messes with” them.

concept of a mob attacking a person that they think is different

And what better way to contain threats, solve their problems, and assuage their fears than to go on a full-blown, merciless attack? If you’re a target of bullying and your bullies are under the threat of losing their social status and capital, you will be the one they lash out at because bullies instinctively know that the best way to “stay in charge” is to attack someone.

Their followers love it, and they get entertainment out of seeing you get beaten down. At the same time, the bullies send the unspoken reminder to the rest of the people that it’s in their best interest not to defy them. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that bullies will attack rather than risk losing power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Things Many Targets of Bullying Do Wrong and Why They Stay Targets

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Many targets of bullying suffer such vicious bullying and for so long that they’re willing to lap up anything that even looks or sounds like approval from others. They give undue value to anyone’s opinions, even those whose opinions should never be valued.

But when a person is desperate for friends and approval, they’ll latch onto anyone who shows their teeth to them. Worse, they’re willing to kiss butt and eat doody if it means they don’t have to be alone and friendless.

They’ll chase people who don’t give a crap about them and allow people to use them for what they can get from them. They’ll overlook it when their so-called friends stab them in the back.

They’ll even put up with overt abuse. Sadly, victims hold on to people who only tolerate them, which only invites more bullying. Anytime you have to crawl behind people who don’t care about you, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice!

I want you to understand this:

If you feel you must beg anyone to be your friend

If you think you must give them your delicious dessert at lunch

If you believe you have to do someone’s homework for them, give them money or do something that you don’t want to do to win their friendship

If you have to chase someone or go out of your way to get them to see the good in you

If you put up with being abused, disrespected, and humiliated by people who are supposed to be your friends

If you have friends who never have your back, who disappear and always throw you under the bus when trouble comes for you

If you have to force conversations with these so-called friends

In a nutshell, if at any time a friendship doesn’t feel right, these people do not deserve the time of day!

I understand the feeling of deprivation when you’re a target, it’s easy to want and nudge things a little. I completely get that deep ache- that longing to have a friend. And my heart goes out to you.

But you don’t need enemies with friends like that. Ditch these losers fast! They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

When you’re that hard-up for friends, it shows. Anytime you’re willing to put up with crappy treatment to keep from being by yourself, it decreases your worth as a person. Other people see it and immediately think you’re pathetic. You come off to others as clingy and needy. Even worse, the desperate vibes you put out only attracts people who want to use and abuse you, which invites even more bullying and alienation.

Neediness just plain stinks. It is off-putting and repels even the people who would otherwise be good friends. There’s an old saying, “I can do bad by myself.”

It’s a saying I’ve heard for ions and it rings so true. Wouldn’t you much rather be alone than to put up with people who only pretend to be your friends and treat you like garbage? I sure as hell would.

I promise you that if you eighty-six people who treat you less than how you deserve to be treated, your value will go up and you will feel so much better about yourself. Also, either the people you ditch will realize what they lost and come back to apologize, or they won’t.

If they do, it’s your choice whether to allow them back in but understand that you do not have to take them back because some things you can never come back from. If they don’t, it’s no loss to you.

I say this because out of about four hundred classmates at Oakley High, I can count on one hand those I could ever trust again, and that’s without using all five fingers. Other than two or three, the rest of them I could care less if I ever saw again, even if they were the last four hundred people on the face of the earth.

I forgive my classmates, yes. But I will never trust them, and I’d be a fool to have anything to do with anyone I couldn’t trust.

The point is that you must value and love yourself enough to protect yourself and command better treatment from others. If that means being alone and friendless for a while, then so be it.

You deserve people who genuinely care for you, and if you have the courage to get rid of toxic people, life will eventually reward you and bring better people into your life- people who will love, respect you and feel so blessed to know you. It happened to me and it can happen for you too!

Don’t settle for fake friends who use, abuse, and only tolerate you to keep from being alone. Find people who celebrate you. Be friends with people who value you and see the good you bring to a friendship. You’re worth it. Believe it! Believe in yourself!

Bullies Always Go After The Best of The Best

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motivational inspirational dare to dream

Being the best- working hard, striving toward goals, and excelling at high levels all come at a high cost- a lot of resentment from others and having them try to sabotage. There’s a social penalty for high scores in work, creativity, ethics, good-heartedness- anything positive.

It’s why their peers don’t nominate the ones who are deserving of awards and accolades, nor do they recognize them for their success. They work too hard or too fast, they’re too passionate, too perfect, or excessively detailed.

Jealousy, envy, and resentment are often disguised as cold silence and ignorance, which are intentional slights from classmates, coworkers, and superiors designed to hold someone back. Peers who are secretly angered by the successes of a winner will only undermine by stealthy silence because to openly do it would be too obvious.

It would look to much like sour grapes, like the feeling of inferiority to the victor, and everyone is careful not to give off even the slightest stink that they might feel a little inferior.

Blue-collar workers often penalize those for working too fast. Classmates hate other classmates who get top scores. Peers covertly hate those who are record-breakers.

But why?

It’s because any person who breaks records unwittingly raises the bar, therefore raising teacher or management expectations for the rest, creating a new goal that’s much harder to attain.

The best of the best only threaten the rest.

It never pays to be a little too perfect in an imperfect world. You don’t score points by being a ray of light in an environment of dark souls.

The feeling that someone else is better than them are is uncomfortable and only nags at bullies until they find a way- any way possible, to level the playing field.

Many times, people perceive the best to be the worst.

20 Things You Must Always Remember If You’re a Target of Bullying

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1.None of the bullying you suffer is your fault.

2. There is nothing wrong with you.

3. You don’t have the issue. Your bullies do.

4. It’s not about you. It’s about them.

5. You are enough.

6. You matter.

7. You have value.

8. You are worthy of love and friendship.

9. You are beautiful.

10. You are awesome.

11. You are stronger and braver than your bullies ever will be.

12. The things your bullies ridicule now will be the things people will love you for later.

13. You can do a lot more than you think you can.

14. Much bullying comes from either jealousy, fear, or insecurity.

15. You’re much smarter than they give you credit for.

16. You are here for a great purpose.

17. You still have people who love you and who believe in you.

18. The best are always treated the worst.

19. You are more powerful than you realize.

20. It may not seem like it at present, but life will eventually get better.

Slick Ways to Make Friends When You’re Targeted by Bullies

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friends

To feel better about themselves and keep from feeling powerless, too many targets of bullying resort to bullying others who are even more vulnerable than them. And it’s not right.

In many cases, targets of bullying who bully, or “bully-victims” bully not because they want to. They bully because they feel like they have no choice.

In bullying, bullies unwittingly teach their targets that to degrade and disparage another person is what it takes to stay on top or off the bottom! And let’s face it, nobody wants to be on the bottom.

One of the uglier characteristics of humans is that everyone wants to be better than somebody! The attitude is that if you’re not above somebody, anybody, then who are you better than? The sad reality is that people equate not being better than someone, even if it’s only one person, with being powerless. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

friends

But just the same, they do it because they don’t believe there’s any other way to stay out of the basement and boost their self-esteem. But!

What if I told you that there was a better way to get the same psychological benefits? What if I told you that there was another way you could feel better about yourself and eliminate those toxic feelings your bullies have instilled in you for so long? Even better, what if I told you that you could get those benefits without causing harm to another person?

Well? You can!

Here’s how you do it!

Instead of targeting more vulnerable people, how about connecting with and befriending them? Because they get bullied just like you. They may get bullied worse than you. You never know.

hope

And let’s face it. No one person is an island. There’s no way you can have even a little bit of power by yourself. We’d like to think that we can survive and do anything in this world just fine by ourselves and that we don’t have to depend on anyone, but that’s not reality.

The reality is that power means relationships. And we all need people as loved ones, friends, and allies.

Therefore, make friends with those who are weaker than you! Stick up for those people and be their buddy instead of their bully. Make them feel good about themselves and encourage them to stick up for themselves and to realize that they too matter in this world.

These targets need someone who they think has more strength than them to have their backs, and to be someone they can trust and look up to. These people will need you and depend on you, and that’s what you want.

friendship

Let me explain this a little deeper,

If you’re a target of bullying, the last thing you want to do is seek the approval of your bullies or their followers. You never want to build a power base with people more powerful than you are. They’ll only eat you alive!

And if they’re stronger than you, how can you expect them to depend on you? To make friends in your situation, you must look for people who will count on you. And they have to in some way, shape, or form, need you.

And the “weaker” targets will be the ones who must have you around to ensure their safety and to validate their importance and their deserving of love and friendship. They will need a friend, protector, and advocate. And you can be those things to them!

It’s much smarter to seek out and make friends with the “weaker” targets and create a relationship on their dependency on you. Because when you do, you become their pillar of strength. You become their voice and their backbone.

friends alliance allies

And because the other targets are more vulnerable, they’ll know that to turn their backs on you would be to do so at their own risk. Throwing you under the bus would only bring them hardship and pain.

In a friendship like this, you will have the power. So use that power to promote solidarity with them, uplift them, and have their backs!

And if ever you need something done, you won’t have to use force to get your new, less powerful friends to help you out. They’ll be more than happy to oblige because you’ll be their fearless leader, their encourager and protector, and the last thing they’ll want is to lose you. They’ll know that without you, they’d be in a pickle.

The beauty of this is that you and all the other victims will become a group. You’ll band together and become as one. And you’ll gain strength from your numbers.

I promise you that things will only get better once you put this into action. And the only things you’ll have to lose are your low self-esteem and your feelings of powerlessness!

8 Reasons Why You Should Let Them Talk

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gossip rumors lies talk

Gossips are everywhere! Too many people worry needlessly about what people are saying about them. But here’s the thing, people talk. They’re going to have something to say about you until the day you die. Get used to it. Better, yet embrace it! Love it!

Here’s Why:

1. When people talk about you, they make you relevant! Good or bad, it means you’re an exciting topic- you’re not dull. Remember that it’s much better to be good or bad than to be boring.

2. When people engage in petty gossip about you, it means that they can’t get you off their minds. Somehow, someway, positive or negative, you’ve made an impact on them. You’ve stirred emotions up in them.

3. When people talk about you, it means they don’t have lives of their own and are obsessed with yours, which means your life must be more exciting than theirs.

4. When people talk behind your back, they reveal much more about themselves than they do you. Remember the old proverb, “Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, and Small minds discuss people.”

5. When people can’t shut up about you, you’re the one who’s in control of them. Because you occupy a large amount of space in their minds, you’ve affected them profoundly and with little or no effort.

6. The people who blab about you expend a lot of their energy on you while you get to save yours. They’re thinking of you without getting so much as a thought from you.

7. When you’re the topic of others’ discussions, it means that they’re your fans, only they don’t know it.

It’s important to reframe the situation. And smile as you’re the hottest topic around! Haters make you famous!

8. In a nutshell, when people can’t stop running their mouths about you, it only means that you have a tremendous amount of power over them and you didn’t have to make an effort to get that power! Yay, you!

So don’t give their talk any validation by reacting. Just sit back and be amused by the talkers, provided it’s just petty gossip and not defamation. I’ll distinguish between the two in a future post.

How to Distinguish Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

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Being alone means being in solitude- being by yourself. When you’re alone, you’re without the company of others. Being lonely, on the other hand, means having feelings of abandonment- being sad due to being isolated and alienated from others.

Alone is a state of being. Whereas, loneliness is a state of mind. An emotion. You can be in a room full of people and though you may not be alone, you can be lonely. It’s not about the number of people around you, it’s about how you feel.

When you’re alone, you can be happy. When you’re lonely, you can’t.

Being alone is sometimes beneficial because it allows you to focus on a project without disruption and makes concentration so much easier. So, you can be alone without necessarily being lonely. And everyone needs a little bit of “me-time” every day!

Being alone is being at home by yourself and enjoying a good book.
Being lonely is that dull ache in your chest after you’ve lost a family member or been thrown under the bus by your friends.

Here’s how to beat that awful feeling of loneliness:

1. Concentrate on your hobbies. Do something you enjoy doing- preferably something that takes a little concentration and consumes some time.

2. Get up and move. Exercise works wonders and has a way of producing endorphins that make you feel good. Dancing to some good music is a great picker-upper!

3. Do a home-improvement project. Clean out your garage or declutter your closets.

As you know, I was bullied for six long years in school. But I also had hobbies that distracted me from some of the loneliness.

My writing and art projects at home were one of the ways I survived those lonely years. They made things a lot more bearable and when I’d finish a project, that feeling of accomplishment I’d get would always supersede any feeling of abandonment I felt!

Never fear being alone. Too many people think that because you’re alone, it means you’re lonely. It doesn’t!

Know Your Bullies: 5 Types of Bullies You Need to Know About

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Bullies come in different kinds. You can never assume how your bullies will react because different people react to different things in different ways. Speak out against and expose some bullies and they’ll go to the ends of the earth seeking to retaliate.

Taylor your defense strategies to the particular bully you’re dealing with. To do this, you must be able to distinguish the blowhards from the truly vindictive, the smart ones from the dumb, and the aggressive from the passive-aggressive.

Bullies should never be dealt with blindly. If you go into it blind, you’ll be at their mercy and they’ll toss you around like a tornado tosses debris.

To successfully combat bullying, you must be able to recognize different types of personalities if you expect to survive.

1. Narcissistic and Arrogant Bullies – Although they may hide it well, their excessive, touchy pride and self-importance makes them dangerous. If these types detect even a hint of slight, they will pay you back with excessive brutality. With these people, logic and rationality won’t apply. They overreact to what even looks like opposition and ridicule.

And you don’t have to do anything to them. All you have to do is be good at something or outdo them somehow and they’ll take offense to it. They’ll call you a showoff and take it as you’re trying to be better than them. And they’ll make you pay dearly. And if you get recognition for a project well-done, these people won’t tolerate it. They hate being in anyone’s shadow!

These bullies are usually in the popular crowd at school or in management at work.

Don’t bother trying to second guess them. Avoid them like the plague!

2. Insecure Bullies – These people are a close second to the Narcissistic bullies. These bullies are harder to spot and less violent. Their egos are extremely fragile, and their senses of self are insecure. If they dislike you, they’ll attack in small nibbles. And you won’t realize it until the swipes they take at you are big enough to be obvious.

These bullies are usually the groupies to the popular crowd at school or the suck-ups to management at work.

Avoid these people as well.

3. Suspicious Bullies – these bullies only see the worst in not only their targets but everyone. But in their targets, it’s all they want to see. They see them as threats and think they’re out to get them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. However, Suspicious bullies aren’t as dangerous as the previous two. These bullies are, in fact, easy for targets to trick and deceive. And sometimes targets must resort to trickery to protect themselves.

To counter these bullies is to use their suspicions and turn them against someone else. It will take their focus off you and toss it on the other person. Hey, I know it sounds shady but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to protect yourself. And if means someone else (preferably someone who is as mean as a snake) taking the heat for a while, so be it.

4. Bullies with photographic memories – These bullies never forget you. If you were to run into them again 30 years later, you can bet that they will target you again- only picking up where they left off.

If you’re a target of these bullies, they won’t show their hatred outwardly. But they will keep their eyes on you.

They’ll lie in wait as they plot. Then, when the time is right, they’ll exact their brutality with a frigid coldness. These bullies are usually unaffectionate and hard.

To protect yourself, you must damage these bullies or scare them so bad, they won’t even think of coming for you again.

stupid idiot

5. Bullies who aren’t very bright – These people are easy to combat and won’t see your counterattack coming. These are the bullies you can most easily defend yourself against and expose.

Again, you must know your bullies- each of them, if you expect to overcome them. Knowing your bullies means knowing their personalities and being able to predict what they’ll do next. Only then will you be able to protect yourself against them to maximum effect.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Reasons Why You Should Never be Afraid to Be Alone

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“If you aren’t afraid to be alone, you’ll more than likely have the courage to walk away from relationships that are bad for you.”

– Cherie White –

I won’t kid you. Being alone can sometimes make a person vulnerable. However, being surrounded by negative people makes you just as vulnerable if not more so. Therefore, being alone can be much better than keeping company with spiteful people who only bring you down.

As difficult as it may be, sometimes you must weed out all these ungrateful souls who don’t see your worth to make room for more positive, caring, and loving people to come in.

1. People will let you down at some point. Get rid of anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and only keep company with those who love and respect you. Keep the people in your life who value your opinions, even when those opinions are strong.

2. Not everyone who smiles at you is in your corner.

3. It’s easier to get rid of people who are toxic.

4. It’s easier to say goodbye to relationships that only hinder growth.

If someone is not treating you like you deserve to be treated, never be afraid to let them go, even if it seems that they’re your only options at the moment.

Remember that we must do things that don’t feel comfortable and that are downright scary for any positive change to happen.

Positive change requires that we take risks!

4 Reasons Why Neediness is Not Only Bad for You, But Also Unattractive and Repelling

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Closeup portrait unhappy woman giving loser sign on forehead, looking at you with anger and hatred on face isolated on gray background.

Neediness is not a good look on anyone. It’s unattractive and off-putting. To be blunt, it’s downright gross! It’s the equivalent of an overpowering stench one must hold their nose and run from to keep from getting sick.

When a target is bullied, they often become needy. Because they’re shunned and rejected for so long, they become ravenously hungry for any morsel of approval and will lap up anything that even looks like it. But they often see acceptance when it’s really only tolerance.

Anytime a target becomes needy, some people might include them in their groups, but not because they like them or want to be around them. They’ll only pretend to like the target because they feel sorry for him. And the last thing the target should want is someone’s pity. Yuck! Who in their right mind would want to settle for that?

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But wait! It gets worse!

After a while, the pity that his (the target’s) so-called friends have for him may wear thin.

Here are a few reasons why neediness is not only unattractive and humiliating but downright dangerous:

1. Any time you’re a target of bullying by everyone- the group of so-called friends who pretend to like you put themselves at risk of being made targets themselves. And they know it. In the minds of the bullies and others, they’re guilty by association. Instead of being an asset to the group, you become a liability!

2. The group is having to pretend to like having you around because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. But their real feelings about you will only seep out in ways that are not so obvious. It’ll be so subtle that you may not even know it’s happening. And you can bet that if you make the slightest mistake or they perceive the tiniest slight from you, the floodgates will open and their real feelings of dislike and hatred will come rushing out like a raging torrent. And they’ll look for any reason to make you go away even if they must treat you with blatant brutality.

3. Your so-called friends will never have your back. They’ll disappear at the first sign of trouble. When your bullies come calling, your fake friends will throw you under the bus, then get behind the wheel and run you over a few times. Understand that these people will not value you as a person.

disgust repulsion yuck

4. You’ll only draw people who are predators. Users and abusers are drawn to the needy like vultures to a carcass. They seek out people who are desperate to exploit their needs and weaknesses to get what they want from them. And once they’ve gotten all they want out of the person, they discard them like a dirty piece of toilet paper. You may not realize it, but you can do better than a bunch of scavengers!

Wouldn’t you rather be alone than to have friends like those? I wound hope you would.

Real courage and real self-worth sometimes require that you be alone for a while. But let me assure you that it won’t always be this way. Be patient and eventually, the right people will find you. It may not happen quickly, but it will happen. I guarantee it.

It happened for me and it will happen for you too!

6 Reasons That Being a People-Pleaser is so Bad for You

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As I’ve said before, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll only get hurt and many times, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves.

Targets of bullying quickly become used to having to cater to others in order to ensure their safety. Sadly, I was in that same situation for a few years when I was young. It’s a hell of a way to live and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for other people’s purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment; not your own.

As we all know, bullies are people who don’t take no for an answer and this type of attitude comes from their sense of entitlement and superiority. Bullies are notorious for retaliating against anyone who refuses their demands. However, it’s important that you continue to stand firm no matter what it costs.

It’s better to be hated by others than to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

So, why is being a people-pleaser so bad for you? Here are your answers:

1.Constantly putting other’s needs before your own leaves you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

 2. You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.

 3. You have no time for yourself.

 4. Your productivity goes down because your time is limited by other people’s priorities.

 5. Your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you.

 6. It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.

 Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for seeing to it that your needs get met. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Always remember that.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Being Predictable Is Bad for Targets of Bullying

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Chess board and text “Strategic plan” Business planning concept

Being unpredictable can be your best weapon against bullies. Anytime you are predictable in a climate of bullying, you’re a sitting duck. Bullies will soon know what gets you upset, what will get you to fly off the handle and do something irrational and how to sabotage you socially and academically. You must be versatile if you expect to throw the bullies off-kilter.

Predictability is human nature. People are creatures of habit and have a need to see familiarity in the actions of others. If you’re a target of bullying, any predictability on your part will give your bullies the idea that they have control of you.

Understand that the reason bullies have so much power over you is that you’re too darn predictable. You make it too easy for them to predict what you’ll do. Because they’ve studied and picked up on your habits, they have the foreknowledge of what your reaction will be. And they’ll weaponize it every chance they get!

bullying strategy plan game table goal

But when you flip the script and begin deliberately exhibiting behavior that has no consistency and no objectives, you automatically throw your bullies for a loop! Take your unpredictable behavior up several notches and bullies will be intimidated.

Now. Before I go on, let me mention that here’s one good thing about your predictability- you’ve gotten your bullies so used to your patterns that you’ve lulled them off to sleep, which will make any versatility on your part all the more powerful once you start deliberately changing your reactions to their attacks.

So, here goes:

If you’re a target of bullying, you want to make it look you have no clear strategy. You must scramble your behavior patterns and your reactions to confuse the bullies if you want them to back off. And when you do, not only will it confuse them, it’ll scare the stupid out of them!

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I’ll use a scenario with one of my old classmates as an example:

Just two years ago, Carol, one of my old classmates, attacked me online after she found out that I was collaborating with a producer out of New York on a screenplay adaptation of my first published book.

Let me start by saying that we hadn’t seen each other since high school. Back then, I was quiet, shy and timid girl, but with a hair-trigger temper when I was pushed too far. That’s how Carol had remembered me.

And had she verbally attacked me back then, I either would’ve walked away from her without saying anything back to her, or, on a bad day, I would’ve fought fire with fire- screaming back at her, cursing her out and calling her every name but a child of God.

This time, I did neither. As you’ll see in the screenshots below, I reacted in a way she never expected me to.

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Carol expected me to fly off the handle, have a moment of sheer stupidity, and counter-attack with the same vitriol and craziness she dished out to me first. Then she could have used my counter-attack against me and made me look like the instigator. That’s exactly what she had plans to do, and I knew it.

However!

Instead of reacting, I responded.

I remained calm and told her how it was without name-calling, without cursing, and without using all caps. And boy! Did it throw her into a hissy fit! Carol literally FREAKED! ‘Had a complete meltdown online as she sent me hateful message after hateful message. I happily took screenshots and outed her all over social media before finally blocking her.

By reacting in a way I knew she never expected, I threw her off balance and not only instilled fear, but induced panic and rage in her. I shook her up so much so that she couldn’t think clearly nor rationally. She stumbled, making blunder after blunder.

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In being unpredictable, I forced her to give me the goods I needed to expose her with. She fell face-first into the trap I calmly laid for her, and I have to admit. Outsmarting her felt soooo good! Carol played right into my hands and didn’t realize her mistake until after she’d calmed down. But by then, it was too late. Carol had made herself look like a complete lunatic and had I acted as she had, I would’ve looked just as nutty as she did.

‘You see? When you deliberately respond in ways your bullies don’t expect, you throw them off-kilter and force them to react out of fear, confusion, even anger. And when a person reacts out of pure emotion, they make a truckload of mistakes, blunders, and gaffes, then end up making a colossal fool of themselves.

Even better, after I exposed Carol online, many other old classmates, out of loyalty to her, came to her defense and attacked me the same way she had. Although they knew that she was in the wrong and that she’d attacked me without provocation, their loyalty to their old high school buddy was much stronger than their sense of right and wrong.

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Carol’s, brother, sister and son also joined in the vitriol. They even went to the pages of my husband and my son and attacked them too. Carol’s allies didn’t private message them but went to their public pages where all could see. In doing this, they also exposed themselves for the idiots they were while we sat back and laughed.

That’s what reacting out of emotion does. It causes us to make dumb mistakes.

Needless to say, after I exposed them (or they exposed themselves) those people backed off quickly and I never heard from them again. Neither did my family. They now stay far away because they were surprised to find that I’m nowhere near as naïve as I was in high school. I stayed calm and was smart enough to deflect their attacks and use them against them.

Again. Understand that by doing something unexpected, you gain a huge advantage over your bullies. And when bullies can’t figure out what you’re going to do, it scares them to death and they’ll almost always react out of fear!

Nothing is more frightening than when you make a move nobody would ever expect. It’s the reason natural disasters are so scary because no one knows when and where they’ll hit next. It’s why deer hunters can track down their prey and kill them. They know the habits and patterns of behavior of the deer they hunt.

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Realize that habits and patterns are the worst things that go against a target of bullying because bullies pick up on your routines and use them against you.

In closing, you must learn to unsettle your bullies by allowing them to see you do things they’d never expect. If a bully launches an attack, you should counter-attack suddenly, without warning, in a way they’d wouldn’t expect you to, and when they least expect it.

You must purposefully mislead your bullies to trick them into an emotional reaction!

If you’re going to be predictable, don’t stay that way. Do it for long enough that your bullies get used to your patterns and are lulled into a false sense of security, then strike suddenly with something unexpected! And that’s how you get them to leave you alone!

What Do You Do Once You Leave a Toxic Workplace?

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You’ve worked for a toxic company for three years. You’re out of a job because your bully boss either fired you or you get fed up, pulled a Johnny Paycheck, and told your tyrant boss to “take this job and shove it” and, in essence, fired him.

So, how do you get a new job, knowing that the honest thing to do is to put the hell-hole you just escaped from down as a previous employer and your former boss’s name on the line in the application that’s labeled “supervisor”?

Well, let’s be real here. Sometimes honesty’s not the best policy. After all, you and your family have to eat. Right?

So, if you’re the unethical type, here are a few underhanded things you could do. Because unethical or not, you have to survive somehow.

bye goodbye

1. Omit the workplace altogether. Yeah, it sucks. It’s not ‘the right thing to do,’ but what else do you have to lose? If you’re a married mother or grandmother, all the better. Just fill in the blanks with a homemaker and stay-at-home mom. Who’s going to question that? Yeah, you could hit a roadblock when the interviewer asks you about any experience! But again, they might give you a try! You never know! The object is to avoid a crappy report from your former boss.

2. Go to work for the competition. There’s less chance a competitor will take the word of their opponent. Also, you can sneakily give secrets away and help your new employer drive the other guy out of business. At least you’ll get a little justice!

3. Tell your new employer you were self-employed. If you were your own boss, who are they going to call for a work reference? Tell a good story, and make sure you have a good backup. Maybe you had an excellent blog and it got shut down by Google because Google made changes to its policies?

workplace bullies back stabbers gossips

back-stabbing colleagues threatening employee with scissors and knife

4. If you have a family member or friend who owns a business, have them be a job reference for you. They can give you a good report, and your chances of getting the gig will be higher.

Hey, desperate times, desperate measures. And if you want to work again, you must get around the bully boss any way you can.

Sometimes you must get as dirty as your BB because he will be waiting on a call from a potential employer once you’re gone. Your old bully will be looking for another chance to block you from future prospects. He may even try to blacklist you.

If you disappear from his radar by omitting him and his company from any job applications, it will be harder for him to reach out and touch you.

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Strict Boss: Angry upset young business woman with blank speech bubble on white on gray background. Vector illustration.

5. Hire yourself. Yes. If you can, start your own business and work like the devil to build it. Then, if you’re lucky, five years from now, when you run into your old dictator at the local gas station while he’s putting gas in his suped-up Harley or sportscar, you can thank him for inspiring you to go into business for yourself and make it. And you can smile as you watch his face contort!

There’s no guarantee that the first four are going to work and you might even get fired from your new job if your old bully boss finds out where you’re working and decides to give your new employer a call.

But at least you will have bought yourself some time and put off going broke for a little while longer.

*Tips 1, 3, and 4 are satirical of course*