“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.”
~ Mary Dunbar ~
Month: April 2021
Observation
7 Ways to Expose a Bully
The best defense is to know bullying when it happens to you, and to know how to unveil a bully’s deplorable behavior. Here’s a list of several things you can do to rip the mask off and keep yourself safe.
1. Know your enemy. How you do this is to stand back and observe the people around you, but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this.
This is how you find out who the trouble makers are. If you see another student or coworker gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure that in time, they will do the same to you.
2. Document everything! As it has been said, “if it isn’t documented, it never happened”. Keep a journal and write down everything. I did this in junior high and high school just in case one of my bullies either hurt me bad enough to hospitalize me, or worse- killed me.
You must write down the names of your bullies, the names of any bystanders or authority (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time the altercation took place, the date, time, place it happened, what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!
3. Do not reveal any information about yourself that you would not want to be told to anyone. Including your friends! If you do, you’re asking for trouble because if you are the target of a bully, you can be sure that your bullies will, at some point, either try to pry information out of your friends or they will turn your friends against you altogether.
4. Keep a low profile. Don’t do anything that may draw attention to yourself. And stay away from places the bullies may gather. Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.
However, be advised that avoidance will not work if you have a determined bully after you. If a person wants to get to you badly enough, they will seek you out until they find you.
5. Save any threatening texts, emails, social media messages/posts, and/or voice mails for evidence. And if possible, hide a digital recorder on you or ease your hand down into your purse and set your cellphone to video during any altercations. Do it covertly so that the bully doesn’t know what you are doing. Just make sure you live in a one-party consent jurisdiction. Screenshot any nasty emails, messages, comments, and posts on social media.
Keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language.
6. NEVER brag about any evidence you have against a bully. Not even to your best friend! Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends. They can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information.
gavel and soundblock of justice law and lawyer working on wooden desk background
Don’t do it! Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!
7. Call the bully out in front of an audience. This is risky and could bring retaliation. However, the bully will also know that you are on to them and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone. It happened to me on a few occasions.
But keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone. Calling the bully out in front of people can also humiliate the bully and make that person more determined to get you. So access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this.
Ripping the mask off the bully…layer by layer.
Today’s Quote
“I had to grow to love my body. I did not have a good self-image at first. Finally, it occurred to me, I’m either going to love me or hate me. And I chose to love myself. Then everything kind of sprung from there. Things that I thought weren’t attractive became sexy. Confidence makes you sexy.”
~ Queen Latifa ~
Losing Yourself
Getting Rid of Toxic People
Toxic people! They’re the people who are ungrateful, who are notorious gossips, complainers, and whiners- the Negative Nancies and Debbie Downers of the world. Toxic people undermine your accomplishments and successes and stun you with backhanded compliments. In a nutshell, they suck the oxygen out of the room with their negativity and make you want to run for the nearest exit when you see them coming.
I can’t stress enough the importance of giving these happiness thieves the old heave-ho and the things it can do for your self-esteem.
As tweens, teens, even in our twenties, it is only natural that we all want to be liked, be cool, and be accepted by our peers. However, when you are a target of bullying, those wants can be hard to attain due to lies and rumors that bullies may spread to keep their victims isolated and alone.
You see? The last thing a bully wants is for anyone, and I mean ANYONE, to like you or want to be friends with you.
Often, bully targets will become desperate for friends- for any human connection with anyone their age. As a result, they may get involved with the wrong people-people who only tolerate them.
But because these new people in the target’s life are not directly abusing them (hitting, shouting, name-calling), the victim may mistake this as a friendship and latch on. Or they may feel that it’s the best they can do and there’s nothing better out there for them. But targets can do better. They just don’t know it.
And while the targets’ back is turned, his “new buddies” at school or at work are rolling their eyes and talking through their teeth. These people are no better than the bullies. They only feel sorry for the target.
These people are toxic. I understand that being alone is tough. I’ve been there. But wouldn’t you rather be alone than to crawl up behind people who only tolerate you? I know I would.
Hit the road concept, road – 3D rendering
Be selective of who you call “friend” because a smiling face does not a friend make. And anyone who makes you feel bad does not deserve the privilege of knowing you. So, get rid of them and fast!
You may be friendless for a time, but I promise you will meet new people and make friends. You are worth it! For now, just spend time with family and do the things you enjoy. Better people will be placed in your life when you least expect it.
It pays to be your own best friend.
‘Careful What You Share
If you are a target of bullying, never share anything with anyone- not even your best friend. Because, in a situation like this, you cannot afford to trust anyone. I don’t care how close you and your friends seem to be. It’s still not a smart move because you never know when your bullies will succeed in turning your friends against you and those friends become willing participants in bullying you. If you share intimate and private details about your life with anyone, it’s not a question of if but when they spread your business far and wide once the bullies win them over.
So, never divulge any info that’s private or personal- anything you wouldn’t want to be known.
Examples of things better kept private are as follows (Some of these are no-brainers):
1. Your sex life, or lack of.
2. A drug addict in your family.
3. Any medical conditions or diseases.
4. Any mental illnesses.
5. Any legal troubles- even as minor as traffic tickets.
6. Family issues- divorce, child custody, births, deaths, etc.
7. Your past (if you’re old enough to have one).
8. Past abuse you may have suffered.
9. Your personal info.
10. Email and passwords to social media accounts.
11. Names of your family members.
12. Never brag about your daughter’s beauty pageant or your son’s perfect grades.
13. Your views about the recent scandal at school or work.
14. Your hobbies and interests.
15. The TV show you watched last night, especially if it’s a slasher show or filled with hot-buttered sex.
16. Never talk about politics! Ever! That’s a no-no subject!
Bullies are already looking for dirty laundry. So, why air yours? When you’re a target of bullying, the less they know about you and your life, the better.
Today’s Quote
A conceptual look at respect, esteem, appreciation, recognition.
“If you do not respect your own wishes, no one else will. You will simply attract people who disrespect you as much as you do.”
~ Vironika Tugaleva ~
Paradise In My Back Yard!
Hey, everyone! I thought I’d share something positive today!
During the Easter weekend, my sweet hubby bought the swing and picnic table I’ve been asking for and we got the swing put together a few weeks ago, we have applied the finish to the picnic table, and we now have a place outside where we can chill!
No more staying inside to write and polish my blog posts (I always write my posts by hand first)! This is the perfect time of year to get outside! There’s nothing like being outdoors on a beautiful day that lifts the mood and makes for a better day!
I am counting my blessings, one of which is the blessing of having a wonderful husband who loves me and treats me well. I couldn’t be more grateful!
Just like any married couple, we’ve had our trials. But, all in all, he’s a great man who works hard and I couldn’t be more grateful to have him beside me. During the years I was bullied, I never thought I’d ever attain true love. So, if you’re a target of bullying and haven’t had a date, a relationship, or been married yet, don’t listen to the lies of your bullies. I want you to know that this can happen for you too. The one you’re meant to be with is out there and they will find you. Just wait! Life gets better- much better!
I’m living proof!
Life Secrets Learned
1. Positive thoughts equal a positive mind, equals positive actions, which bring positive opportunities, which lead to positive results, which bolsters confidence, which gives you a positive and extraordinary life!
2. Tenacity equals positive change and eventual success.
3. Negative people will never see success, only hollow victories from time to time.
4. The reason most people find ways to discourage you and tell you that you CAN’T is because they’re very much afraid that you WILL.
5. Resting on your laurels equals stagnation and repels growth.
Therefore, with each major goal accomplished, I’ll raise the bar, continue to challenge myself and flex those mind-muscles even more.
I will set higher goals and I will reach them.
You’re Not Only Imagining Things: You Know When Something Doesn’t Feel Good
One of the saddest things about bullying is the confusion it often brings. Many targets of bullying are confused and misled as to whether or not they are legitimately being bullied or only being paranoid.
Oftentimes, when an individual is bullied and they defend themselves, others may gaslight the person by either trivializing the bullying or dismissing it. They tell the target that “it’s only in your mind” or “you’re just being paranoid”. Half the time, people convince the target of the above statements, which only forces him to endure the torment in silence. Bullying cannot thrive without silence.
Therefore, the bully is let off the hook and is free to target the same individual again in the future. The bully gets the message loud and clear that it’s okay to target this person simply because they can – and with impunity.
After so long, the victim begins to feel as if it is somehow wrong to report and stand up to bullies. The victim then questions their own sanity, thinking, “Maybe it really is only in my mind.” and often grows silent for fear of being gaslighted and seen as “paranoid”, “crazy”, “overly sensitive” or other labels that undermine and steal their voice.
If you’re a target of these mind games, let me assure you: It’s NOT only in your imagination. You are not being overly sensitive. You are not being a wimp, wuss, crybaby, crazy or whatever else unsavory people may call you.
Always remember that bullies are very skilled and convincing liars. You always know when something does not feel good. Your brain and your gut always let you know when something isn’t right!
You can see it in the way certain people cut their eyes at you.
You can see and hear them talking through their teeth.
You can hear the short and cold tone in their voices.
You can feel, deep down in your gut, the nasty vibes they exude.
This is why you should always listen to your gut feeling because it is never wrong. Eighty-six those people, pronto!
Anyone who causes you to feel bad does not deserve the time of day from you. It does not matter if they are rich, smart, good looking, popular, successful, cool or tough.
If they cause you to feel less than, ditch them! Weed. Them. Out! They are not worthy of even being in your presence. Never allow anyone to violate your boundaries, whether physical or psychological.
Self awareness is key, as is awareness of everyone and everything around you. You must get to know yourself. Listen to your body and the sensations you feel.
It is imperative that you get absolutely clear on what you will and will not accept. Only then will you be able to tell the difference and send your bullies packing.
Today’s Quote
“She remembered who she was, and the game changed.”
~ Lala Deliah ~
A Very Pleasant Surprise!
My fellow bloggers,
I’m very excited to tell you that the Chateau Cherie Blog is featured in Feedspot as part of “The Top Bullying Websites, Blogs, & Influencers To Follow in 2021!” I got the notice via email last night and was very pleasantly surprised.
I’m both honored and humbled.
Although I know very little about Feedspot, it’s nice to get noticed and certainly a chance for more exposure, and more exposure equals more bullied people I can help bring hope to. And I can browse them for more articles to read and bloggers to read about.
But I didn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t have done it without all of you, my fellow bloggers, subscribers, and readers. I couldn’t be more grateful to all of you and I can never express the depth of my appreciation!
I especially want to thank my family: my husband, my children, my mom, brother, sister, and aunt! I love you all so very much! 
You can visit the page why clicking on the link below:
https://blog.feedspot.com/bullying_blogs/
To Battle a Bully, You Must Think Like One.
Most people who become targets of bullying are genuinely good-hearted, pure, and sweet-natured and would never dream of hurting another human being in any way.
On the other hand, bullies are consistently thinking up newer and more sophisticated ways to inflict harm on others. Their hunger for power is such that they have left a long line of victims in their wake and are always looking for new targets.
Most good-natured people become targets of bullying because bullies are notorious for taking kindness for weakness. Sadly, to protect yourself from becoming the next target requires that you adapt the bully mindset. You must think as they do to predict their next move, but NEVER act as they do.
I realize this can be difficult because a bully’s mind isn’t a pleasant place to be. It’s downright ugly!
Another sad truth is that to think as a bully takes a certain degree of identifying with the person- that’s what really sucks. And if you can figure out what their next move will be, you can stay a few steps ahead of the bully and protect yourself and others.
Though it won’t be easy, as the mind of a bully can be a real cesspool, sometimes you must wade through a ton of crap to keep yourself safe and your name and reputation clean.
What I Did to Compensate for Being Targeted
So many targets today can easily relate to my story. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a target of school bullies, you are not alone and, with a little inner work, you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.
I was one of those targets who rebelled against the bullies and fought back. To keep my self-esteem from completely tanking, I dressed my absolute best, but still it was not good enough for me. I wanted to dress like a million bucks for school. Clothes from Walmart weren’t good enough. I had to go to the mall, Cato, Tempo, Maurice’s, or Hollywood’s before I was satisfied. I wasn’t happy unless I was dressed to the nines at school.
I felt I had to be well dressed because I was still quite a bit insecure inside. I didn’t feel like I was worth anything unless I was dressed to impress. One of the thoughts which consumed me all during high school was how to dress like a fashionista.
It had a lot to do with how poorly I was being treated and I continued to believe that the better I dressed, the better I would be treated although, the exact opposite would occur. It seemed that my attire was arousing even further hatred and contempt.
Nevertheless, I absolutely had to be dressed in the hottest fashions or I just didn’t feel adequate. The more they put me down, the more I would dress up. I felt that my attire provided me with not only a sense of style but also control.
Some mornings, I’d dress up, look at myself in the mirror and think,
“So they think I am trash? They must be blind. Does this look like trash? I think not! I know I’m hot and they are not going to convince me otherwise!”
Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Was it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no. My defense was to act conceited, like I didn’t need any of them.
This holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might have been, helped me preserve what little self-esteem and dignity I had. It helped me to keep going when things were at their worst. It helped me to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by my evil classmates, unlike a good majority of other bullied targets, who, sadly, weren’t that fortunate!
I walked around with my nose in the air and refused to speak to any of them. I had a sassy and smart alicky attitude. I was extremely sarcastic and had a snotty disposition. I even laughed at and bullied others to grab back some power. My attitude stunk – period.
Sure. This attitude could’ve easily gotten me hurt or worse had my bullies known for certain about it. A lot of those girls carried knives, especially those who were from families of criminals and ex-cons, families who were dirt poor or just plain loco. Sadly, that was over half of the student body.
I have no doubt that they would not have thought twice about whipping a blade out and slicing my face with it if they could have gotten me in the right place and I would have had to wear it for life.
However, this arrogance I often displayed was the only way I knew to stay strong and to maintain a little bit of power. I was only a teenager and had not yet fully developed the concrete thinking skills nor the processing ability to handle my situation more objectively. Back then, I was a slave to my emotions and I let them guide me in how I handled people and situations.
Also, I was under a tremendous amount of stress and had been for the last three years. And when anyone, even the most logical and rational person is under a large amount of stress that lasts over a long period of time; memory, emotional regulation, and ability to maintain positive relationships are negatively affected. Therefore, neurologically, I had two strikes against me- a double-whammy.
From the sixth grade, up until I left Oakley, I was constantly in survival mode due to being bullied and had to be in order to protect my personal well-being. To even make it to graduation, I had to be hyper-vigilant to be safe. You must understand that when you are a target of vicious bullies, it is as if you constantly have a target on your back. You are a marked person and you learn very quickly to grow eyes in the back of your head.
And it’s no way to live. Please feel free to comment on your experiences and what you did to cope.