I Can’t Find The Words of Comfort for Anyone Affected by Bullycide

positive peace candle

Since I’ve been advocating for the bullied, I’ve met and talked to so many families- parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, spouses, children, cousins and friends who have lost a loved one to suicide. I’ve read, heard about, and listened to their heartbreaking stories. I’ve watched them cry, and I’ve often struggled to find the words to tell them how my heart breaks for them. What are the right words to say to someone who has suffered so significant a loss?

I’ve listened to stories from grieving parents who have lost a child to bullying and suicide. While they told me the story of the events which led up to their child’s death, I could hear the anguish in their voices. I could sense the many questions which continue to flood their minds that may never be answered! I could feel the injustice of it all, and let me tell you; it shook me to my core!

I can’t help but feel a wide range of overwhelming emotions- heartbreak and empathy for the surviving parents and family, intense anger toward the bullies who pushed that child over the edge and disgust at the school and school district, who did nothing to help, or worse, only intensified the child’s suffering. I feel nothing but rage and contempt for a system that failed this young person and their family and at the people in power who were in a position to help the poor young man or lady but didn’t!

Although I have lost a spouse to suicide and know what it is to experience the loss from it, I realize this: The loss of a spouse is terrible and heart-wrenching. Yes. But it isn’t quite the same as losing a child.

Child abuse with the eye of a young boy or girl with a single tear crying due to the fear of violence or depression caused by hunger and poverty and being afraid of bullying at school.

I try to put myself in the parent’s shoes, but it’s unbearable. I cannot imagine what a parent goes through. The unanswered questions, having dreams of their child’s future, disappear! Not long ago, I looked into the eyes of one grieving mother, and I wanted to cry but managed not to. I wanted to be strong for her because she needed me to be!

My oldest son went through a period of bullying, so I know this could just as easily have been him years ago. And I honestly don’t know if I could have held up as well as this mother has!

Try to imagine having that baby you once carried for nine months- the baby you felt move and kick inside your belly- ripped from your life forever! Imagine losing that precious, tiny creature, you once held for the first time in the hospital, whose sweet little face you gazed lovingly on, and were unable to take your eyes off of!

FILE – In this Monday, Sept. 16, 2013 file photo, pallbearers wearing anti-bullying T-shirts carry the casket of Rebecca Sedwick,12, to a waiting hearse as they exit the Whidden-McLean Funeral Home in Bartow, Fla. One of two teenage girls charged with stalking Rebecca Sedwick, a Florida classmate who complained of being bullied before her suicide no longer faces any criminal counts, her attorney said Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2013. (AP Photo/Brian Blanco, File)

I cannot fathom the despair of having to bury the child I was sure would someday bury me! Understand that this goes against the natural order of things! I cannot imagine the total shock and disbelief- that feeling of being kicked in the gut that goes with such a loss! And I struggle to find the words to comfort any parent who has lost a child to bullycide!

What are the right words? How do you communicate to a grieving family member how much you hurt with them and how much you long to ease their suffering and wish you could? And how you wish that there was some way- SOME way you could bring that loved one back to them.

If you have a heart as I do, you want to reach out and hug that person! You want to hold them. You want to console them. You want to take away their pain. But anything short of doing the impossible, you know, will never be enough to ease their suffering.

Sympathy card with burning candle and rose on open book

Like me, you try to imagine how you’d feel if it were your child, but you can’t. You can’t bear the mere thought crossing your mind. But these families have lived it, and they continue to live it every day. Understand that this is a massive loss that this mother, this father, this sibling, this grandparent will carry for the rest of their lives!

Nothing will ever be the same for them again. Realize that this is a new normal (if that’s what you want to call it) that they will never be able to adjust to. Every day from here on will be another day of struggle- another day of fighting to keep it together- another day to act like you’re okay because you’re afraid of overwhelming the people around you. How long can these broken parents keep up the charade?

Again, words can never say how my heart breaks for them. All I can do is be there for them and listen as I struggle to find the words of support and compassion they so need to hear.

Maybe the reason I struggle for the right thing to say is that there are no words! There are no words that could ever quell the grief of a loss so heavy and so devastating! No words can ever provide complete consolation or comfort. And no words can ever bring justice to the loved ones left behind.

To all, who have lost a family member- a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, especially a child, to suicide or bullycide, know that I’m here for you. It doesn’t matter if we know each other or are total strangers. And even though I struggle to find the words to tell you, rest assured that I care. My heart cries with you, and I have the utmost love, sympathy, and compassion for you!

You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

We Are What We Think

You’ve heard the quote, “You are what you eat.” So, it goes with your thought processes. You are also what you think.

Targets of bullying can start off as confident and outgoing people. But after years of bullying and abuse, they become insecure, afraid, and withdrawn. Sometimes, they can turn against themselves. They began to think that they aren’t worthy of anything good in life. They stop believing in their own good qualities. They no longer think they’ll ever be loved, ever be accepted, or ever be successful and that nothing will ever go right for them.

Law of Attraction

Then, sure enough, things begin to happen that matches their thoughts and feelings. These poor people began to fall out with friends and family, they have back-to-back bad breaks. They finally develop feelings of self-loathing and end up alone, rejected, unsuccessful, and unlucky.

Here’s how it works:

You must realize that your thought patterns determine your outlook (attitude).

Your outlook determines your decisions and behavior.

Your decisions and behavior determine your outcomes.

Your outcomes determine your life and the events that happen in it.

All this then re-enforces your outlook or attitude.

This becomes a cycle and cycles always repeat themselves.

Anytime you think a thought, you send a message into the universe and, sooner or later, you get a response that matches, and the response always returns as an event, situation, or circumstance. And once it becomes a vicious cycle in your life, it’s damn hard to break that cycle.

Know that this cycle can be broken, but it takes a lot of time, patience, and hard work. I can tell you from experience that the changes won’t happen overnight, and the reason is that, once a pattern is set, unseen forces (like your subconscious mind, for instance) will, at first, fight against any change you try to make. You could say that these unseen forces (your subconscious) have become comfortable with the way things are and, just as most people hate change, so do the higher powers at work.

But know that if you keep at it, your breakthrough will present itself eventually. It has to after a while because of your refusal to give up.

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying, you must be very careful that you don’t allow your bullies and the lies and toxic messages they send to influence the way you think of yourself. You must fight like the devil to hold on to your self-belief. Your life and its trajectory depend on it!

If you hold on to your positive attitude and sense of self from the very beginning, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and hard work in the future. Most of all, you’ll save yourself from a lot of future pain and misery.

Bullies Intentionally Select Targets

Anyone, who is a victim of bullying knows all too well, the feeling of bewilderment, the confusion…. the questions- The “What did I do wrong?”, “What is it about me?” or “What do they treat me so horrible?” If you are a target, allow me to answer these questions for you.

First, you did nothing wrong!

Second, there is NOTHING wrong with you!

And third, they treat you wrong because of something that is within THEM! Not YOU!

I want you to understand that bullies purposely select their victims. They know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. Remember that bullies are nothing but sniveling little cowards. And they select anyone they don’t believe will fight back. Or these who achieve great things.

School bullies feel weak. They always pick those they think are slow, kids with hearts of gold, who would never hurt a fly, children who are disabled, mentally handicapped or mentally ill, youngsters who are quiet and reserved and children who have what is perceived to be a physical flaw (overweight, underweight, eyeglasses, braces, or disfigured from accidents).

In school, bullies may select other classmates at random to see how they react. If a potential victim stands up to the bully and tells them off, the bully will then slink away with their tail between their legs. They will then search for someone else until they find the victim who responds how they want them to (cries, ignores them, walks away, runs, tattles, etc.)

Workplace bullies feel threatened. They pick coworkers who are intelligent, competent, and well-liked by others. They pick them because the exceptional workers are the people who make them look bad.

Close-up of woman in black T-shirt is cracking her knuckles gesturing willful and ready for doing something; or in another side; the bad behavior when in tension; concept of health care and medical.

Through their excellent work, the victims hold a mirror up to the bullies (and everyone else) at work, forcing them to see their own pathetic reflections. They unwittingly expose their weaknesses and their incompetency by their successes, accomplishments, and impeccable work ethic. They also make bullies feel overshadowed.

The only way a bully can feel powerful and that they measure up is to bring the victim down or have a victim to use as a punching bag. If they don’t have that target, they feel less than and will go to the ends of the earth to find one. Realize that bullies can’t get power through a meritocracy because they have zero redeeming qualities. So, they bully others and that’s what gives them power.

At work, bullies will often select the brightest high performers and achievers.

School boy angel with wings and halo concept for being clever, good, success in education or smug

Once the bully finds his/her chosen victim, they target that person, sometimes for years until that person either changes schools or workplaces, moves, or dies. Then, once again, the bully will be on the hunt for a replacement victim.

I want you to understand that bullying at any age is born out of cowardice, jealousy, and insecurity. A bully is a pitiful person. Only a lowdown, uneducated, sad, and pathetic person has to have another person to harm. Think about it! School bullies pick on kids they perceive as weak! They stoop so low as to pick on disabled kids! And they do it to feel better about themselves.

Workplace bullies select someone who outperforms them. Only a loser scumbag creep does that! A zero! A sick moron!

So have the courage to call the bully OUT on these things! I realize that there are risks but do it anyway. Your self-esteem is counting on you. Get it in your head right now! Bullies are gutless, pathetic pieces of crap! human filth! toilet scum!

Here’s another fact, most bullies are also narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths. Therefore, there is something dark within them that motivates them to bully others.

I’ll say again. It is not your fault. And there is nothing about you that would make anyone mistreat you. So believe that you are a smart, beautiful person! Believe that you are a better person than your tormentors because you are!

Never allow any bully to convince you that you are less than them. Hold on to your faith and your confidence. Counter every negative statement a bully makes.

When You Look into The Face of a Target of Bullying

You see the anguish- the desperately yearning to belong.

You see the hopelessness and despair- the wondering if things will ever get better.

You see the fear- the knowing he/she could be physically or psychologically attacked at any moment, or many even killed.

You see the sadness- the wanting to cry but not daring to for fear of looking weaker than they already look to others.

You see the determination- the determination to survive another day.

You see the silent pleas for help- help that is being denied and seems to never come.

You see the lack of trust in humanity- because the person has been let down too many times. How can that trust be restored?

You see the exhaustion- the weariness of the constant battle they face.

Lastly, you see the yearning for peace- the desperately wanting the war to stop so they can relax, breathe, and not have to fight anymore.

You Aren’t the Only One

Bullies who are seasoned and the best in the bullying business didn’t get so good at bullying you and getting away with it overnight.

No, they learned through trial and error. They’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t. And every time they screwed up and got caught, they never learned their lesson that it’s wrong to mistreat people. They only got sneakier and learned what not to do with their next victim.

Therefore, with each new target, they got a little sneakier, and a little better at covering their behinds until they finally became undetectable to anyone outside the bully/target dynamic. They finally became experts!

Understand that these bullies have left a long trail of ruined lives and either broken or angry people in their wake. Only they’d never tell you about that.

With that said, know that there were many before you and there will be many more after you. You aren’t alone and you’re not the only one they’ve bullied.

I’ve said it once and it bears repeating: If possible, you must find out who their past targets are, then befriend and align yourself with them. I guarantee that you will find out so many juicy tidbits about your bullies and what you discover about them can be used as a powerful weapon!

Always remember that!

Never Let Bad Eggs Make You Feel Rotten

All through life, you will encounter negative and downright toxic people. You meet these mouth-breathers at school, work, the neighborhood, or (gasp) in the family. They’re everywhere and come in all flavors. These kinds of people always seem to take the energy out of the room and suck the oxygen out of the people around them. They’re annoying, obnoxious, and some can be downright intimidating.

These are people who make you feel uncomfortable, terrible about yourself, and worst of all unstable.

With that said, bad eggs are the angry, jealous, and resentful type. They put on a good act and talk a good game, but the proof is in how they treat you. And they will say and do things to try and make you feel bad about yourself.

These people will search for anything about you that they can use against you. They will even turn your good and positive qualities against you and make them seem bad.

For instance, if you are generally a happy person who likes to laugh and have a good time, these types will say that you’re fake and that your laughter is fake. If you have talents and gifts and like to display them, they’ll accuse you of showing off and trying to get attention.

If you’ve made an accomplishment or reached any kind of success, these killjoys will trivialize it by saying that the success you made could’ve been made by anyone. If you won an award, they’ll claim that you didn’t get the award because you either knew people in high places or that you kissed up to them somehow.

If you have a loving spouse and good family, bad eggs will go out of their way to find something wrong with that. If you have a little bit of money, they’ll claim you didn’t work for it but got an inheritance. Or they’ll claim you obtained it either illegally or unjustly.

These rotten bananas will also bully and abuse you- give you a hard time if there’s anything in life you have that they don’t, or you have things just a little bit easier than they do. It’s as if they’re trying to punish you because they think you have it so good.

But don’t let it get to you because that’s what they want. Rest assured that none of it is your fault and that there’s nothing wrong with you.

Understand that their behavior says everything about them and zero about you. It says that they have serious mental issues and that they need help. It also says that these people feel insecure about something or many things in their own lives and their desire is to drag you down in the gutter with them.

When people are brutal to us, our first instinct is to blame ourselves, try to figure out what’s wrong, then fix it. But realize that there’s no need to fix what isn’t broken. And you’re not the one with the issue.

Instead, reframe your thinking and realize that it’s them and not you. Only then will you feel better about yourself. Even better, you might find that you feel sorry for them instead of resenting or hating them for the way they treat you. And believe me, most people with any pride would much rather be hated than pitied.

Bullies will care less about your anger and hate toward them. But they’ll resent and even loathe it when you pity them. There’s dignity in being hated but never in being pitied.

Bullies with Guilty Consciences

Have you noticed that anytime you speak out against bullying and abuse, or any wrongdoing for that matter, that the guilty dogs always come for you and bark the loudest? Maybe you tell your story of the bullying and abuse that you, yourself, suffered in the past and how you’ve since overcome it.

And…BOOM! Many haters come out of the woodwork, latch on, and start screaming, cursing, putting you down and accusing you of everything under the sun. Some call you ugly names and threaten – even people you don’t know, who don’t know you, and have nothing to do with what you’re talking about.

Thankfully, this has not happened here on WordPress and I am so grateful for all my WordPress family! You guys are truly the best and I could not ask for better people online.

But, on occasion, it has happened on a few other forums and once in person when I gave information about it to someone who desperately needed it. The person thanked me but the people who overheard our conversation went berserk over it later. So, if this has happened to you too, did you ever wonder why?

Its because the people who are sooo offended and doing the yelling, cursing, and tantrum-throwing have guilty consciences.

Here’s a further explanation:

Naturally, we know that people who’ve bullied and abused you in the past, are going to come out in droves and attack you. That’s a given. And you don’t have to call these people out by their names to trigger them and put them on the defense. Why? Because to hear, read about, or even know that you’re speaking out on the subject itself makes them very afraid- panicky even.

But, more than anything, it eats at their conscience!

Again, realize that you don’t have to necessarily expose them. All you’ve got to do is prick at their sense of guilt and they go nuts.

The latter is why you may also trigger people who may not know you nor have anything to do with what was done to you- you delivered a huge blow to their conscience! Even worse, you made them feel dirty! And that alone drives people utterly insane!

Though they may not necessarily have bullied and abused you, they did someone else. And hearing you talk about your experiences, or talk about bullying and abuse in general, made you a huge reminder to those people. You caused them to either think of the abuse they’re dishing out to someone else or have inflicted in the past. Ouch!

It’s subconscious. They don’t know it, and probably couldn’t explain it. All those people know is that your story, or the subject you speak of is rubbing them the wrong way and causing them a lot of anxiety.

This is the reason they freak out and flip their wigs.

It’s happened to me. I’ve seen it up close. And believe you me, these folks become downright scary! Because when they lose it, their eyes seem to jump out at you and they snarl when they yell at you. I mean, they really come unglued!

But understand that they are only revealing themselves. They’re ripping their own masks off and don’t realize they’re doing it. Why would someone get so defensive, so irate and have a complete meltdown if you weren’t stepping on a few toes- if the people around you didn’t feel that somehow, some way, you weren’t talking directly to them, or about them?

Really think about it. Pastors of churches have this happen all the time. During Sunday service, they’ll preach on a certain subject, then a few church members get angry over it and give him the what-for after the service is over.

My point is that if they knew they weren’t guilty of anything, they’d automatically know that the conversation had nothing to do with them. So, why would they care?

Remember that the people who are most offended by this and react irately are the guilty ones and you can bet that they have, at some time, bullied you or another innocent person. Anger can be revealing.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here Are Some Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets

blame accuse pointing finger

Gaslight- to manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their sanity.

Remember that bullying is all about domination and control. Once the bully selects a target and begins their reign of terror over the chosen victim, they will do everything possible to maintain that dominance. Also, understand that bullies get a huge psychological payoff at the victim’s expense. Abusing their targets gives bullies a rush of power and a sense of authority and control.

If there is a culture of bullying at a school, workplace, or community, bullies are also rewarded with attention, high social status and promotions from others while the target suffers the opposite. And a bully will fight like crazy to keep those benefits should the target speak out and shed light on the behavior.

Once the target sees the behavior for what it is and begins to assert their right to be treated fairly, bullies will become angry and afraid. They will see the target as a threat to their power and increase the harassment to subdue, silence and punish the person.

Seasoned bullies maintain power by emotionally abusing, brainwashing, and psychological abuse to disempower the target and make themselves seem bigger and better than what they are. They use these methods because psycho/emotional bullying leaves no physical evidence and is much easier to deny.

They do this by convincing their target (and everyone else) that he/she is defective or no good, thereby stripping the target’s confidence and self-esteem.

Here are ways bullies gaslight their targets:

1. Persistent lying
Bullies tell vague lies and trying to convince you that you are mentally unstable, less than, deserving of the mistreatment, or that you’re somehow defective. Bullies will make statements to others such as,

toxic brainwashing

“He’s a waste of space, and he needs to realize it already!”

“She’s such an embarrassment! How does she even show her face in public every day?”

“Who gives a #$% about his feelings! He doesn’t matter!”

“She brought it all on herself!”

Bullies will also tell their targets things like:

“What are you smiling about? Nobody likes you! Remember?”

“I’m not bullying you! You’re just over-reacting!”

Displeased woman looking at her growing nose and trying to stop it with her finger isolated on white background

“You’re just being (paranoid, overly sensitive, a crybaby, etc.)! You need help!”

“Nobody’s mistreating you! You’re just playing the victim to look innocent to everyone else!

“You think you’re (smart, pretty, cute, tough, cool, etc.), don’t’ you! You’re nothing!”

“You’re so (arrogant, retarded, crazy, ugly, fat, skinny, etc.) nobody believes a word you say!”

I could go on and on.

Bullies deliberately repeat these lies over and over again and for a long time to convince the target that they are right. Understand that this constant repetition has a purpose! To instill insecurity in the victim, wear them down and force him/her to resign themselves and acquiesce.

It serves to brainwash the target and force him/her to believe the bully’s lies. As a result, the target becomes riddled with confusion, social anxiety and shame. Eventually, the person loses the ability to counter the attacks

You must realize that this is the bully’s strategy to render control and keep the target under their control and from rebelling against the abuse.

2. Wearing the Target Down and forcing him/her to agree with them.
Bullies continue to put the target down and marginalize them until he/she is so tired or afraid of defending against them that the person shuts down, grows numb to the abuse and surrenders to the bullies.

Bullying, friendship and people concept. Girl patronizing screaming pointing finger at shy timid nerdy woman who is looking down

3. Become Highly Aggressive When the Target Calls Out the Abuse
Bullies may try to maintain their power by intensifying and escalating the attacks in addition to blaming and shaming the target. Understand that this is designed to subdue and further subjugate the person by intimidation and to force him/her into silence and submission. It also allows the bully to escape accountability and to have a green light for continued and future attacks.

(More to come in Part 2…)

Bullies Will Eat Their Own

I saw this happen and yes, while I was at Oakley High School, even in the workplace. When there are no targets available to degrade and dehumanize, bullies will begin to turn on one of their own in the clique.

Understand that even the inner circle of the clique has a pecking order. Every clique has a leader, second in command, third and so forth (depending on how many members in the group), all the way down to the bottom rat. And if their targets aren’t available, the members of the clique will turn on that bottom rat and she will be the target of the day.

And if it so happens that the bottom rat’s not available either, then the poor sucker on the second rung up is the one who will catch hell. And so on. Crap always rolls downhill and lands on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in the basement.

And what was really scandalous is that sometimes, the targets didn’t have to be unavailable. I stood back and watched a lot of back-biting between the members of the bully cliques, a few would go out with the other friends’ boyfriends or girlfriends behind their backs then smile in their faces at school the following Monday. But that was their business and any sane person would no part of such strange, twisted, and dysfunctional friendships.

With them it was back to back ego trips and while most targets, sheople, and wannabes at OHS considered a curse, a few others considered a blessing. I could deal with not being in the in-crowd, that was fine and dandy. What I had an issue with was that none of those creeps would leave me alone, go on about their business, and get a life.

Remember that bullies must always have a target- someone to look down on, someone to dump on, and someone to tell what to do and ride roughshod over. Therefore, if their usual targets aren’t available on any given day, the bullies at the top will turn on the lowest members of their own group and continue demeaning them until their regular targets return.

This is yet another reason why you should never accept being in one of the in-cliques. Must you be in one to feel validated? No. You’re just as awesome without them. You’re also freer! Because if you’re not in a clique, you don’t have to live up to anyone’s unwritten rules or standards. You’re free to be yourself and do your own thing. And there is nothing better!

The Truth is Irrelevant to Bullies and Their Followers

They not concerned with facts, only the excitement that the rumors and lies create and the close bonding it brings their group.

Understand that your bullies already know the truth. Oh, yes! They know that you aren’t what they say you are. And they know that they’re lying through their teeth. That’s the sad part.

Bullies know that you’re better than what they try to make you out to be. But, here’s the thing.

The truth doesn’t fit their narratives, nor their agenda. So, they’ll go out of their way to make the falsehoods look true. Realize that the bullies are benefiting from the ruination of your reputation. And they’ll move Heaven and Earth to keep those benefits.

Your bullies are the ones that have to work so doggone hard because it takes a ton of work to cover up lies and half-truths. Lies tend to have a never-ending chain. They tell the firs lie and have to put out a second lie to cover up the first. Then they must lie a third time to cover up the first two lies about you.

Lies have a way of building and they build so much that it soon becomes hard for the bullies to keep their stories straight. I mean, seriously! After so long and so many lies, who can keep up with all that?

If you stay calm and play your hand correctly, your bullies will eventually spin themselves into their own web and get stuck in it. So, sit back and watch them fall into the trap of their own making.

When Bullies and Bystanders Talk Bad About You, Use Reverse Psychology.

Businessman not listening to nonsense.

Bullies will always have something negative to say. So, instead of thinking, there is something wrong with you, why not look at it from these points of view?

1. When people talk about you, good or bad, at least you know you aren’t boring. And most people would rather be “bad” than boring. Also, you must be doing something right if you’re being mentioned all the time. When they talk about you, they make you relevant.

2. When people talk smack about you, it only means you still consume their minds.
So, who’s really in control here?

education, bullying, social relations and people concept – students gossiping behind classmate back at school

3. You have a lot of power if you can stir resentment or hate in someone without trying or meaning to. It only goes to show that the dummy doing the talking can easily be controlled with little effort.

4. They must really admire you and want to be like you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be an afterthought to them.

5. It says more about them than it does about you. It says if that they don’t have lives of their own, they take an interest in yours, which means that your life must be more interesting than theirs!

6. People who consistently talk bad about you really have an obsession with you.

Like the old saying goes, “He who angers you controls you.”

So, why not feel good about it and, even better, take advantage of it by letting them talk. Because some things don’t need a defense, especially if the bullies are known for being gossips and troublemakers.

Just sit back, smile, and be quietly amused by the pettiness. Be your sweet self, and others will see through the gossip too. When I finally wised up and took this approach, I was so surprised at the results! My only regret is that I didn’t realize this earlier.

Attitude is what it’s all about. With the right attitude, you can beat your bullies without ever lifting a finger!

The more you know, the better you will protect yourself!

Why You Must Take Risks

 

Too many targets of bullying grow too paralyzed with fear to make a move and take control of their destinies. Their bullies and abusers have reprogrammed them to believe that, no matter how hard they try, they’ll always be losers and failures. They’ ve been trained to believe that, to be accepted, they must always march in lockstep with the rest of society- to tread lightly and never rock the boat . And if they didn’t walk carefully, what was in store for them would be emotional- even physical brutality.

I understand because I’ve been there. I know the fear all too well.

In short, targets are taught to take the path of least resistance and stay in their comfort zones. But do you really live your best life when you choose this path instead of your own?

To see positive change in your life, you must be willing to take risks. Whether you’re working on achieving a short-term goal or chasing a dream you’ve had your whole life or whether you want to rid your life of bullies/abusers and surround yourself with better people, risk is not only expected but required.

To get something you never had, you will need to do things you’ve never done and that can be scary. To create something beautiful into your life means you will have to push through the birth pains first, it’s the only choice you have.

I took a risk when I decided to stand up to abuse. I also took risks when I wrote and published my first book, “From Victim to Victor (A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying.”

I knew it would be risky and I was prepared for it.

In doing both, I not only faced the possibility of failure, but I offended and made many people angry. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends. But that’s alright because I look back now and realize that I really didn’t lose friends at all.

What I did was weed out the people I thought were friends- the fakers, posers, and imposters who only pretended to be but were never friends in the first place.

I also knew that the book would be painful to write because it required that I relive the torment. I chose to push through the pain. Understand that if you ever want to achieve something great, you must step out of your comfort zone and face fear head on.

Life is a gamble. Everything is chance. You can’t win the game if you don’t roll the dice.

And if you really stop and think about it, we roll the dice when we do the most basic things in life – when we get out of bed in the morning, or walk out of our houses, or get in the car to go to work every day. In life, risk is unavoidable. So why not take bigger risks and go after what you want?

Wouldn’t you much rather face the fear of risk now than live with the pain of regret later? I sure would.

After the book was published and a few classmates read it, oh boy! I got quite a few nasty, hateful, and threatening messages and yes, some of it was pretty scary. But I chose to stand strong and continue speaking my truth.

My goal wasn’t only to become a published author, but to use what I endured years ago to help others who are going through it now. I wanted to be the person that I didn’t have, and to give other targets the support I was denied.

But before I could do that, I had to be willing to take risks and to endure some pain along the way. It meant risking my time, my comfort, and my associations. I had to be willing to remove all the negative people from my life and make room for people who were positive, uplifting, and empowering. And you will have to do the same if you want to follow your passion, find your purpose, and create a better life for yourself.

You must be willing to risk it all because the last thing you want is to wake up one morning- eighty years old and say, I woulda, shoulda, coulda done this or I woulda, shoulda, coulda done that.

As for me, I don’t want to have to say, “Oh no! If I’d only done this or that,” or “I had this great idea five, ten, twenty, or thirty years ago and I didn’t act on it because I was too afraid.”

So, do it while you can and be willing to accept the risk that goes with it.

It is either do or die. Risk now or regret later!

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption

Deep Inside the Bully’s Psyche (The “I” in Bullying)

Anytime you are the object of a bully’s hostility, it really isn’t about you. It’s about them. Here are things bullies tell their targets and the real meaning behind it.

“You’re fat! You’re ugly! You’re weird, stupid,” etc.

What is the meaning behind it? It depends on the circumstances. If the target is overweight, the bully is only pointing it out to make themselves feel better. What the bully is really saying is,

“I have flaws that I’m afraid are worse and more noticeable than yours. So, I’m going to point out your flaws to distract everyone’s attention from my own.”

“You Snitched on me! Now You’re Going to Pay!”

Here’s what the bully is actually saying.

“You exposed me and got me into trouble! You made me look like the bully that I really am! You outted my true personality and humiliated me! So, I’m going to get back at you for it!”

“You think you’re so smart, cute, cool, pretty,” etc.

Here’s the meaning behind it.

“Your good qualities overshadow mine! I’m living in your shadow! Your talents and natural gifts are better than mine, and you’re getting more attention than I am! You make me feel inferior to you! So I’m going to put you in your place by crushing your self-worth! I’m going to convince you that you’re not that important and make you too afraid to show your good qualities! Then I can shine!”

“You make me want to…”

Anytime a bully mistreats you and says that you make them do it, they’re only telling you,

“ I’m afraid of being unmasked and being held responsible for my horrid behavior, so I’ve got to blame you so I can be let off the hook and leave you holding the bag! If I can make you look like the bully, I can keep on screwing with you anytime I want in the future because no one will believe you if you snitch on me again!”

“Nobody Likes You!”

What the bully is really saying:

“Nobody likes me either. They only pretend to. So I’m going to make you think Nobody wants you to crush your confidence! Then hopefully, you’ll withdraw from people and self-sabotage your own relationships!”

“I don’t like you!” or “I hate you!”

Here’s what the bully is really saying:

“You make me feel inferior! You intimidate me! You outshine me in some way! You have what I want and can never have! So, I’m going to hoodwink you into believing you did something to cause me to dislike or hate you and, hopefully, ruin your self-esteem!”

workplace bullying bully draws back to hit physical

Bullies have big egos. It always goes back to them. Bullies are all about “Me,” “Myself,” and “I.”

Understand that anytime a bully says these things to you without being provoked? The most likely reason is jealousy, and that they see you as a threat to their popularity.

Always remember that if this happens and leaves you bewildered, wondering what you did to deserve it!

Bewilderment is always your first clue!

How Bullies Condition Targets to Accept Bigger and More Severe Abuses and Violations

toxic brainwashing

Gradualism and Incrementalism- drop by drop, bullies start off taking teeny-weeny bites out of the target’s self-esteem. They take it up ever so slowly, step by itsy-bitsy step- so slowly and so tiny that it isn’t noticeable. Yet the target feels something is off, that something doesn’t feel too good but can’t quite put a finger on it. It’s that subtle!

But here’s your first clue: Your body will know if you pay attention to it.

When you meet your bullies for the first time, you will pick up some pretty creepy vibes from these people and you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach. You’ll sense something about these creeps that feels “off.” And sometimes, you’ll feel it before the first words are exchanged.

You’ll sense them watching your every move, scoping you out, studying you like a specimen. Or you may look up from whatever you’re doing or turn around and happen to see, out of the corner of your eye, a few of these people eyeing you from a distance. Then you,ll see them look at each other and smirk and notice that eerie twinkle in their eyes. You might even see a micro-flash or two of contempt.

Don’t ignore this!

Understand that these bullies are sizing you up and probing to see if you respond or how you react.

They’ll then start committing slightly bigger violations. Understand that bullies do this deliberately to soften you up by making the abuse virtually unrecognizable… until it isn’t anymore. By the time it’s recognizable, the abuse is so severe and so out of control that the bullies and their minions can no longer help themselves and don’t even try to hide it anymore. Why continue to put in the work to hide something you’ve gotten away with for so long that there’s no incentive to stop? Right?

By the time the abuse becomes obvious, it’s usually too late because everyone has grown accustomed to bullying the target. In fact, they’ve gotten completely comfortable with doing so.

Close-up of woman in black T-shirt is cracking her knuckles gesturing willful and ready for doing something; or in another side; the bad behavior when in tension; concept of health care and medical.

And once they’ve grown accustomed to harming the target, it’s almost impossible for the target to get them to leave them alone no matter what the poor person does to protect himself.

When the target finally gets fed up and begins asserting themselves, bullies implicitly communicate through their actions that, “we don’t give a damn about your feelings or your pain, you’re a target and we damn well intend for you to stay that way because we get a payoff from it and hell will freeze over before we give up those benefits.”

At this stage, bullies only respond with anger and resentment when the target finally stands up to them. The unwritten message is,

“How dare he!”

PTSD

Bullies are super offended when someone they deem inferior finally grows a spine and they’ll do everything they can to break the target’s will to keep getting their sick, sadistic jollies.

“How dare he even attempt to take away our fun?”

My point is that conditioning starts out small and you must know how to recognize it when it first begins and is barely recognizable. Because, the longer it goes on and the bigger the abuses get, the harder it is to defend yourself against it and put a stop to it.

I can’t stress this enough.

And the one thing that will help you to recognize it is that your body will feel it and you’ll sense it in the vibes the people you’re dealing with put out. Pay attention.

The more you know…

Envious? Of What?

When I look back today, I can see so much clearer. I never needed friends like those. However, when it’s happening, you don’t see it so clearly. Being in the middle of a storm can obscure your vision and cloud your judgment, causing you to feel things that are entirely out of your character. And one of those feelings is jealousy.

Being a target of relentless bullying is a lonely existence. The target not only becomes secretly desperate to have friends, but he also grows to hate anyone who does have them. I can testify to this because I’d watch the girls who were lucky enough to be surrounded by friends when I was a target. I’d watch them laugh and notice the bright smiles and their auras brimming with confidence- and I’d feel white-hot rage brewing- stirring inside me.

I could feel my eyes blaze and shoot daggers of fire at those happy girls. I never showed it, but I hated them with the fierceness of a hurricane! It was one of the reasons why I’d often instigate fights and sow discord between other classmates.

I realize now that it was terrible for me to feel that way. I was certainly wrong for feeling the way I did. However, when you’re a kid, you don’t understand why life is one way for some and not others.

And when life seems to be so bad that you want to look up and either cry out to or angrily lash out at God for allowing such an unfair injustice- for not only allowing you to starve but for seemingly forcing you to watch everyone else enjoy a five-course feast. At the same time, you go without, that’s when you know your attitude needs an overhaul!

When you’re a kid, you don’t understand why some have it better than others. You don’t know why some can and some can’t. And you wrack your brain, trying to figure out what the secret ingredients are.

But now that I know what the secret ingredients are, I realize that it never was anything I would’ve wanted in the first place. It wouldn’t have been worth it. They wouldn’t have been worth it.

To have to put on an act to be accepted by everyone?

To have to keep up appearances to be popular?

To be totally dependent on the approval of others?

To let other people’s opinions and the number of friends be the definition of who I am?

To have to be someone I’m not and micromanage every move I make and everything I say to keep from accidentally letting the real me slip out and risk displeasing people around me?

To have to cover one lie with a new one?

To be always afraid of people finding out who I really am?

To have my peace, happiness, and freedoms depend on the permission of others?

bullyingbeingfake

No thanks! They can have all the friends they want through all the fakery they want. That’s too much work, and I’m too lazy. If people don’t like the real me, they can hit the bricks. I don’t need them around.

I look back and realize that the vast majority of my classmates lived solely for their friends and the approval of others. They didn’t know what they wanted. Even worse, they didn’t know who they were! Sadly, as adults, they still don’t.

Even today, they’re slaves to the approval of others- tools- followers, sheep.

Me? I refuse to live that way. And I don’t live for them. I’m not out to win a popularity contest. I only want to be and do what makes me happy and live a drama-free life and in comfort. No more, no less.

Other than God, myself, and my family, I don’t live for anyone else, and I couldn’t care less about their approval.

dreamstime_xs_87908515

I know who I am, and I live for much better things!

When I look back to all those years ago, I realize that there was nothing to be envious of. In fact, I was much better off than any of them. I was the luckier one. I didn’t have to jump through hoops and bend over backward for them. Although it was hard and I paid a heavy price for it, I lived for me, and I’m so glad I did.

If you’re a target of bullying and you ever find yourself jealous of your bullies and everyone else who has all these friends around them, I urge you to consider all the personal sacrifices they’re making to have those friends. What do they have to give up?

Is having to stuff down and bury your true nature a way you want to live? Having others dictate to you what you should be?

I hope not.