Month: August 2021
Sometimes, Bullied People Bully People
Bullying hurts. It’s not the physical beatings in the locker room. It isn’t the trippings in the hallways nor having your books knocked out of your arms. Neither is it the name-calling nor the threats. It’s not the rumors, the lies, and smear campaigns, nor is it the setups to get you into trouble, the jokes or pranks.
It’s the cumulative sum of all factors:
It leaves the target feeling that he’s lost all control over his life and that he no longer has a say in what happens to him- it’s the feeling of having power over nothing!
Is it any wonder that in an attempt to snatch back control over something, anything, many targets soon begin to bully those who are even more vulnerable than them?
Through their own victimization, targets learn that to keep from feeling so powerless, they must bully too. In bullying them, bullies unwittingly teach their targets how to bully.
We call these people bully-victims– people who are both bullies and are targets of other bullies. They bully to feel better about themselves and to ascend a few rungs up the social ladder.
Nobody wants to be on the bottom. Everybody wants to be better than somebody. It’s a sad part of human nature.
Just as people are fighting like crazy to stay on top, others struggle to keep off the bottom. As it is quoted, “Sh¬** rolls downhill and lands at the bottom.”
Person A at the top bullies Person B, who is second from the top.
Person B then bullies Person C, and so on.
And down the pecking order, the nastiness rolls until it lands on Person Z at the bottom. Then, everyone bullies Person Z because Person Z is defenseless! There’s no one for Person Z to bully because he’s the one with the least power of all the others.
Anyone on the bottom is going to catch hell because they’re powerless. And that person will likely be kept on the bottom because no one wants that position. Therefore, everyone keeps Z down to ensure that none of them ever take Z’s place.
That’s how it works, folks!
As long as someone else is on the bottom, it keeps you and everyone else safe from being there. It’s why bully-victims get bullied by pure bullies, then go on to select their own victims to degrade and humiliate.
However, must of the time, this doesn’t turn out good. Because sometimes, bully-victims become worse off then pure bullies or pure victims.
Pure bullies are people who don’t get bullied by other people.
Bully-victims are both bullies and victims of bullying by other bullies. And they bully far more than the pure bullies do because they have more to prove.
Bully victims are far more hated and ostracized than pure bullies or pure victims. They’re lonelier and have few friends or none at all.
Bully-victims often resort to trickery and deceit. Many are pathological liars, cheats, fakes, and sneaks. They believe that humans are the lowest forms of life on earth. Bully-victims tend to be Machs.
Understand that bully-victims need help. They need someone to get it through their heads that just because people are bullying them doesn’t make it okay to turn around and bully someone else.
But tell them lovingly and with patience because they’re badly hurting inside themselves and need someone to listen to them and gently guide them in the right direction.
Sadly, We Teach People How to Treat Us- It’s a Subconscious Thing.
Here’s something which most targets of bullying don’t realize. Not even I knew this at the time I was being bullied.
You teach people how to treat you. And how do you teach them this? By how well you treat yourself– by what you will and will not put up with and by the boundaries you set.
Sadly, after being bullied and abused for so long, a person can be conditioned to accept and allow bad behavior and disrespect from other people. Remember that prolonged bullying is a form of brainwashing and hypnosis. It slowly rewires your brain and forces you to “let” people walk over you.
However, know that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can retrain your brain and reclaim your dignity and the life you so deserve.
To put it plainly, you can either allow unsavory people into your life, letting them abuse and degrade you or you can put your foot down, call them on their unacceptable behavior, and give them the old heave-ho. You decide.
I have to admit. When I was being bullied years ago, I unwittingly let my classmates tear me down. I gave them the power to determine how I felt about myself- the power that never belonged to them in the first place.
I didn’t have the courage to stand up to them properly and I let the hurtful words and the physical assaults make me feel terrible about myself.
I gave up on schoolwork and my grades plummeted. I gave up on my talents and stopped doing what I enjoyed. I allowed them to turn me against myself.
I can’t even pretend it was all their fault. Because I allowed them to steal my confidence- without knowing it or meaning to, of course. Nevertheless, I let it happen, so some of the blame is on me.
But the good news is, they may have brought me down but they couldn’t keep me there. Eventually, I wised up and saw my value as both a human being and as a woman.
I can’t stress enough the importance of loving yourself first and foremost. Love should come from within and you should never look to any outside source for it. Love yourself and all of your imperfections, for we are all “perfectly flawed.”
Accept and respect yourself. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do to be accepted and for someone to love you. If a person does not want to see you for the beautiful person that you are, you can’t make them. However, you do have the choice of whether or not to keep them in your life.
With bullies, however, this may or may not change their behavior toward you, and the worst-case scenario might even make it worse. However, you aren’t looking to change anyone’s attitude, you’re looking to take care of yourself and to achieve your own peace and happiness.
It’s not about changing them, it’s about looking out for yourself and keeping your dignity and self-respect. It’s about taking appropriate measures to make you feel good.
Know your worth. Open your eyes to your value. And treat yourself better. Because if you don’t treat yourself right, no one will.
Today’s Quote
“Courage is fire and bullying is smoke.”
~ Benjamin Disreali ~
Fakery
Reaching Your Full Potential
One of the greatest victories against bullies is reaching your full potential. Here are ways you can do it!
1. Don’t worry about what other people think. In life, there will be those who will try to tear you down, especially if they know you’re striving to reach a goal. But you don’t mind because they don’t matter. Don’t let them discourage you. No matter what they say, keep shooting for the stars. And don’t stop until you reach your dreams.
2. Weed out all the Negative Nancies and Debbie Downers. Yes! Get rid of all the gossips, whiners, complainers, bullies, and all the people who make you feel bad and suck the oxygen out of you. Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people- people who help you, not those who hinder you.
3. Never be afraid to be alone. Trust me; you’d rather be by yourself than keep company with people who are negative and drain the lifeblood out of you. Negative people are exhausting, and you will need all your energy stores to reach your highest potential. And if you have a partner who doesn’t treat you right nor appreciates the value you bring to a relationship, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the partnership, get clear on the kind of partner you want in your life and give this person their walking papers.
4. Don’t quit. Don’t give up when it seems like progress isn’t happening fast enough or when the going gets rough. Keep plugging at it! Because sometimes, things are their toughest just before you finally get your breakthrough.
5. Believe in yourself. To succeed at anything, you must believe in yourself. If you don’t, no one else will, and you won’t accomplish anything. Without faith in yourself and your abilities, you won’t have the morale to keep working toward your dreams. If you need to rest, then do so. But whatever you do, don’t quit!
You will have to do all of these before you ever find your confidence and reach peace and happiness. It won’t be easy but I promise. It’ll be worth it in the end!
The Silent Treatment and How You Should Handle It
It’s not what you say; it’s what you don’t say. When bullies wish to harm someone, the silent treatment can the most effective way of doing so. It is a cruel and sneaky way of control.
Remember that bullies are cowards, and they will find the most effective and least noticeable ways to dig at you
.
Here are the reasons bullies use this tactic:
1. It’s least noticeable by others. It leaves no bruises, cuts or scratches, so there’s no physical evidence. This type of bullying is also hard to prove because it’s not easily seen. Therefore, it isn’t wise to report this type of bullying. Because people may see the target as overly sensitive, paranoid, or mentally unbalanced.
2. It’s the most effective. Understand that the silent treatment is emotional manipulation. So, you must see it as just that. When you’re able to see it for what it is, the least likely you are to be affected by it. Bullies know that it’s the most covert way to assert control over their targets and make them doubt themselves.
3. For control, dominance, and intimidation– Again, bullies use this dirty trick to control how you feel and to dominate you. People also use the silent treatment to intimidate.
4. To manipulate you into doing what they want you to do– Everyone has a desire for approval. However, if being accepted means they force you to do something you don’t want to do, then you’re more than likely spinning your wheels for nothing. Anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and wishes will never accept you anyway because a person who truly approves of you would respect your rights and freedom to choose.
5. To make you feel guilty– Again. Because you didn’t do or give the bullies what they want, they intend to make you feel as if you did something wrong. You didn’t!
You must realize that if you let it get to you, it will only encourage the bullies to keep doing it anytime you don’t cave in and do their bidding or give them what they want.
So, how can you respond to this type of bullying?
Here’s how:
1. See the silent treatment for what it is: emotional manipulation When you finally recognize it as it is, the least you’ll be bothered by it.
2. Mirror the bullies by returning the silent treatment. When you give it right back to them, you’re not allowing them to control and intimidate you. You’re preserving some sense of power over your life by not allowing the bullies to phase you.
3. Cut those childish buffoons out of your life. Do it either entirely or have as little to do with them as humanly possible. You don’t need to be around these confidence thieves. Realize that you don’t have to put up with that.
4. Stay calm. Don’t get emotional. Exhibit self-control and don’t get sucked into the bullies’ mind games.
5. Call them out. Tell them, “Look. What you’re doing is called the silent treatment, and that’s not okay. You can’t possibly keep up this childish behavior forever, and it’s not going to work.
6. Enjoy the peace and quiet. There’s a bright side to this. At least the bullies aren’t in your face for the time being. You get a reprieve from hearing them bitch and pitch their hissy fits! Woohoo! Who doesn’t love that!
Word of warning though. Make sure you don’t give your bullies clues that you’re enjoying the peace a little too much. Otherwise, they’ll be back on your tail before you can say, “oops.”
Do all the above, and the bullies might leave you alone and move on to an easier target.
You’ll feel much better about yourself knowing you stood up to them and asserted your rights not to be manipulated.
Today’s Quote
“You can only let someone throw so many stones at you before you pick them all up, put them together, and build a wall to keep them from doing it again.”
~ Unknown ~
Anti-Bullying Anthem “Right Through You” Alanis Morissette
To Each of My Sons with Love
Beware of Energy Vampires!
Bullies are notorious energy vampires. An energy vampire will suck the oxygen out of every room they walk into. Their emotional default is always set on negative, forever having a problem for every solution. Where there’s positivity, they rain on it with their negative toxicity.
Anytime you’re striving for something, or winning at something, they always seen to trash it with statements such as:
“You can’t do it.”
“That’s not for you.”
“You’re too fat.”
“You’re too skinny.”
“You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough…” etc.
“You couldn’t possibly…”
When they find out you’re working toward a goal or planning for your future, these types of people will come up with all kinds of reasons why you won’t succeed. And if you do succeed at something or score a big win, they’ll say things such as:
“That was only beginner’s luck.”
“That was only a freak accident.”
“You just got lucky.”
“It won’t last.”
“It’s about time because you never won at anything before.”
No matter what you do, energy vamps will find a way to pee all over it.
Understand that energy vampires try to zap your energy because they never accomplished anything and they’re afraid that you just might reach success and make them look and feel bad. The best thing to do is to avoid them at all costs before they drag you down and rub their negativity off on you.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Having and Setting Boundaries is a Must!
Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus
You must have the courage to love yourself, even when it angers the people around you. That means setting boundaries, being clear on what you will and will not tolerate.
During grade 6, my first year at Oakley* Schools, I lacked boundaries because I didn’t know how to enforce them. Without those limits, I gave away my friendship, time, energy, and power to people who never deserved it and left nothing for myself. I was bending over backward to please others, treading lightly, being careful not to rock the boat, and make other people angry.
I had been conditioned to think that I wasn’t enough, and I should be anything other than myself. And I thought that being friendly, being accommodating, and being available would win me love and friendship.
It didn’t. It got me the exact opposite- walked over, bullied, and mistaken for a fool because the people I was overly friendly to never extended the same to me in return. Without meaning to, I gave the impression that I was desperate to fit in.
A year or so later, during the seventh grade, I began setting boundaries because I was tired of being a doormat. However, first impressions are powerful and it was too late. The power dynamic and others’ expectations of me had already been set. What I should’ve done was drew the line from day one.
In junior high, although my boundaries were clear, many others violated them every chance they got for no other reason than to demonstrate their power and show who was boss. Anytime I said ‘no’ to any of my classmates at school, I would face retaliation of some kind- guilt trips, threats, or physical beatings because they had grown too used to me being a pushover.
They were afraid that if I developed a spine, the benefits they were getting at my expense would stop. Therefore, the retaliation was their way of reinforcing their power and dominance and keeping me subdued.
But now that we’re all adults, let any of them try that today, and they will be very disappointed. Back then, I often wondered why nothing ever seemed to work out.
Understand that timing is everything. Also realize that you already have power but for it to work, you must know how to use it and you must stand up for yourself the very first time bullies come for you. Otherwise, your place in the pecking order will become iron clad and once that happens, you might as well not have any power at all.
I didn’t realize it then, but during those early years in Oakley*, I was going about it all wrong. ‘You see? You must put yourself and your needs first. Never lower your standards or your boundaries! It’s okay to be kind, but never be nice!
The difference between being kind and being nice is that kindness is genuine. People are kind because it’s the right thing to do, not because it can win friendships or favors. Also, kind people never give at their own expense.
Nice people, on the other hand, want friendship and approval. Also, people who are nice give at their own peril and stick their neck out for others to step on, thinking others will come around when they realize how much they care. “Nicies” are under the impression that the more you suffer, the more it shows you care. Um- Wrong!
It gives the impression that you’re a pushover, a kiss butt, a boot-licker! Being nice never awards you any respect because there’s usually an ulterior motive and the reason for your niceness is to avoid conflict!
Being kind, on the other hand, is genuine and others can sense the genuineness. Being kind is much more respectful. Being ‘nice’ is for wimps.
Understand that anytime you set boundaries, there will always be those who will hate you for it and retaliate. And they will fight you for a while to wear you down. That’s what bullies do!
However, stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.
So, always set limits and be prepared to fight to protect them. Be kind, yes! But if people start taking your kindness for being a fool and treating you like crap, don’t be afraid to tell these people to kiss off!
Being kind to others means being kind to yourself first.
*Not the real name of the town
Today’s Quote
“Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.”
~ Franklin Roosevelt ~
Tough Journeys
Deep Dive: What Relentless Bullying and Gaslighting Does to a Target (Part 2)
Remember that you have a voice, and you have a right to use it. Standing in your truth means that you must stop being afraid to lose people who don’t have your best interests in mind. It means letting go of people who block your growth, progress, and success.
Gaslighters are dead weight- they’re baggage that you don’t own and therefore, don’t have to drag around. Let them think and say of you what they will, it’s their prerogative. But know that you don’t have to accept their opinions and petty mischaracterizations of you as your truth. Remember that they have their truth and you have yours.
You are a separate person from them and so should your truth be separate from theirs. Understand that putting your own wants and needs first, valuing your own opinions, perceptions, and reality, and being true to your own heart are far more important than what others think of you.
Break the Silence words in 3d letters crashing trhough red glass to illustrate protesting in injustice or censorship and raising your voice in defiance
Because, no matter what you say or do, people are going to think what they want, and you only end up losing your power and sense of self when you feel you must constantly explain and justify yourself to them or apologize for how you feel and who you are.
You have a God-given right to carve your own space in this world and to celebrate everything that you are. You have a right to be authentically unfiltered and unapologetically you, and no one else has the right nor patent to undermine that.
Be unwilling to please nor appease those who aren’t worth your time. Never allow the fear of ostracization to silence your voice or take away your freedom and autonomy.
Realize that even when you bring positivity and much good to the world, you will still have enemies who hate you and everything you stand for. There will always be some who will have a problem with you, but know that it’s their problem, not yours. Know that their issues have nothing to do with you.
Sometimes, it takes being bullied to know what you will not accept.
Sometimes it takes being abused to make you more determined to stand in your truth and do it unmoved.
And sometimes it takes being mistreated to give you the strength and determination to never again allow anyone to dull your shine.
So, keep shining. Keep standing in your truth. Hold onto the truthful knowledge of who you are and the good you bring. Keep your authenticity and know that you’re awesome no matter what.