Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus
You must have the courage to love yourself, even when it angers the people around you. That means setting boundaries, being clear on what you will and will not tolerate.
During grade 6, my first year at Oakley* Schools, I lacked boundaries because I didn’t know how to enforce them. Without those limits, I gave away my friendship, time, energy, and power to people who never deserved it and left nothing for myself. I was bending over backward to please others, treading lightly, being careful not to rock the boat, and make other people angry.
I had been conditioned to think that I wasn’t enough, and I should be anything other than myself. And I thought that being friendly, being accommodating, and being available would win me love and friendship.
It didn’t. It got me the exact opposite- walked over, bullied, and mistaken for a fool because the people I was overly friendly to never extended the same to me in return. Without meaning to, I gave the impression that I was desperate to fit in.
A year or so later, during the seventh grade, I began setting boundaries because I was tired of being a doormat. However, first impressions are powerful and it was too late. The power dynamic and others’ expectations of me had already been set. What I should’ve done was drew the line from day one.
In junior high, although my boundaries were clear, many others violated them every chance they got for no other reason than to demonstrate their power and show who was boss. Anytime I said ‘no’ to any of my classmates at school, I would face retaliation of some kind- guilt trips, threats, or physical beatings because they had grown too used to me being a pushover.
They were afraid that if I developed a spine, the benefits they were getting at my expense would stop. Therefore, the retaliation was their way of reinforcing their power and dominance and keeping me subdued.
But now that we’re all adults, let any of them try that today, and they will be very disappointed. Back then, I often wondered why nothing ever seemed to work out.
Understand that timing is everything. Also realize that you already have power but for it to work, you must know how to use it and you must stand up for yourself the very first time bullies come for you. Otherwise, your place in the pecking order will become iron clad and once that happens, you might as well not have any power at all.
I didn’t realize it then, but during those early years in Oakley*, I was going about it all wrong. ‘You see? You must put yourself and your needs first. Never lower your standards or your boundaries! It’s okay to be kind, but never be nice!
The difference between being kind and being nice is that kindness is genuine. People are kind because it’s the right thing to do, not because it can win friendships or favors. Also, kind people never give at their own expense.
Nice people, on the other hand, want friendship and approval. Also, people who are nice give at their own peril and stick their neck out for others to step on, thinking others will come around when they realize how much they care. “Nicies” are under the impression that the more you suffer, the more it shows you care. Um- Wrong!
It gives the impression that you’re a pushover, a kiss butt, a boot-licker! Being nice never awards you any respect because there’s usually an ulterior motive and the reason for your niceness is to avoid conflict!
Being kind, on the other hand, is genuine and others can sense the genuineness. Being kind is much more respectful. Being ‘nice’ is for wimps.
Understand that anytime you set boundaries, there will always be those who will hate you for it and retaliate. And they will fight you for a while to wear you down. That’s what bullies do!
However, stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.
So, always set limits and be prepared to fight to protect them. Be kind, yes! But if people start taking your kindness for being a fool and treating you like crap, don’t be afraid to tell these people to kiss off!
Being kind to others means being kind to yourself first.
*Not the real name of the town
I could truely related with my old self in few incidents.. great post . That’s right kindness doesn’t mean I can’t stand for myself.. I have seen people taking my kindness for granted . Now I am gonna say them kiss off
Thank you so much, Gauri 😊 And I totally agree with you. Tell the people who take your kindness for weakness to kiss off. I’m behind you on that! 💯👍
Sure 😊
Oh my gosh, we need to talk about this on my radio show.
We sure will, Tom! Looking forward to it! 😃
SMiles i’m Strong
Enough To Be
Kind And
Nice
Obviously
Not Everyone
Is And That’s
Okay With
me too Obviously
Being Financially
Independent And
Usually
The
Strongest
Person In
The Room Helps
Ya Just Don’t Mess
With
A Smiling
Bear Hehe
Not Even A
Dancing one
Doing A Mix
Of Public Free
Style Ballet And
Martial Arts At
244 Pounds Still
Leg Pressing Up
To 1520 Pounds
And Still Getting
Stronger At Age
61 Warming Up
With 1380 Pounds
Now Arms Raised
To the
Sky Yes
When One
Is Truly Free
And FRiEnDS
With Gravity This
Way No One Takes
Advantage of Nice
As Nice
Is Not
Weak
This Way
Or Kind
For That Matter🐻
Thank you, Katie. 😊❤
SMiles
Thank
You Cherie☺️
SMiles i’m Strong
Enough To Be
Kind And
Nice
Obviously
Not Everyone
Is And That’s
Okay With
me too Obviously
Being Financially
Independent And
Usually
The
Strongest
Person In
The Room Helps
Ya Just Don’t Mess
With
A Smiling
Bear Hehe
Not Even A
Dancing one
Doing A Mix
Of Public Free
Style Ballet And
Martial Arts At
244 Pounds Still
Leg Pressing Up
To 1520 Pounds
And Still Getting
Stronger At Age
61 Warming Up
With 1380 Pounds
Now Arms Raised
To the
Sky Yes
When One
Is Truly Free
And FRiEnDS
With Gravity This
Way No One Takes
Advantage of Nice
As Nice
Is Not
Weak
This Way
Or Kind
For That Matter🐻
Not Sure if the 1st
Try Sent As Word
Press Crashed When
i Sent it😊
Beautiful poem, Katie! 💖💖💖
Thanks Cherie😊🙌
You’re so welcome. 🙂
😊🏝
Omg, wow this such an awesome post! Yes, you are write here! Enjoyed reading it!
Thank you so much, Betty. This means a lot! I’m so glad you enjoyed it, sweetie. 💖💖💖
Excellent post! It reminds me of the description, “Nice to a fault.” I know this because that was me for many years.
Thank you so much, Michael. I can totally relate! 😊💯
So many of us are people pleasers which I know you have talked about on here before. When you are the new kid you have to set boundaries and basically let people come to you and slowly build friends because without boundaries, especially in small town America, it is the good old boys/girls system and often times they see you as Fresh Meat or if you are one of the select few who gain instant popularity often times it is for the wrong reasons (I heard she is loose, etc)
Fresh meat is the perfect term for the new kid situation, yes. And I don’t know if instant popularity is possible for new kids but I have seen a few new kids build their popularity the first year in the school. Great points here! 💯
so true Cheri and such great quotes!~. Great post!💖
Thank you so much, Cindy! <3
You’re so welcome!💖
Hey! Anyway to contact you Cherie?
You can contact me through my email. CherieWhite69@gmail.com
Sure! Sent you a mail
Thank you, I tried to reply but I’m having trouble with gmail right now. It’s slower than usual. I’ll try again later.
Sure thing.
Its arnavbanerjee9669@gmail.com.
That is my mail ID. In case, you did not recieve anything just contact me here. 😊
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for this amazing post! I love how you differentiate between being kind and being nice. I’ve let my boundaries slip with my sister (who’s often negative and always wants to live in the past) this past year and it’s caused a lot of anxiety and discomfort for me. I notice that when I give her more time to help be supportive to her, it never ends up being enough. I’ve spent a whole month back at home to visit even though it made me feel anxious and she complained it wasn’t long enough. I’ve increased how often we text and Skype and interestingly enough, she wants even more of my time. So, enough is enough. I will always be there for her, but I need to put my peace first and put the boundaries up again. Thank you for the reminder. Xx
You’re most welcome, Sara. My heart goes out to you for what your sister has done to manipulate you. It’s especially difficult when you’re dealing with someone you love and who’s supposed to love you. Blessings! 💖💐🙏
Yes that’s very true. Thank you for your kind words. Xx
💖💐🌹