Tag: self-preservation

self-preservation

No Apology Necessary: 8 Things You Should Never Apologize For

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Do you want to know how to spot moments when there’s no apology necessary? Here are the times to never say sorry that every target of bullying should know.

no apology necessary

Apologizing for something that doesn’t warrant an apology sets you up for victimization. Why? Because bullies, gaslighters, and abusers will notice it and take full advantage. As someone who’s been there, I’m giving you the things you should never apologize for.

Therefore, you will learn when there’s no apology necessary by knowing exactly what you should never be sorry for.

Once you learn when there’s no apology necessary, you will be better able to counter any bullying or gaslighting that comes your way. Moreover, you will easily shake off any guilt trips your bullies try to put you on.

This post is all about discerning when there’s no apology necessary by learning what to never apologize for.

No apology necessary

Before we get into when not to apologize and what doesn’t warrant an apology, let’s talk about over-apologizing. Also, we’ll go over who is likely to apologize too much, why they do it, and the psychological effects they suffer from it.

Sadly, bullies and abusers program their victims and targets into thinking they should apologize for everything. In other words, evil people try to force their prey to say they’re sorry for things they need not be sorry for. Moreover, bullies coerce victims through threats and trickery.

Understand that the needless apologies targets of bullying give are survival mechanisms. They over apologize in hope that the bullies will be appeased and back off from harming them.

I completely understand and will never fault them for that. As a matter of fact, I’ve been exactly where they are. These victims are only doing what they feel they must do to protect themselves. So, again, this isn’t necessarily their fault.

However, their apologies, in most cases, don’t work and can make the bullying worse.

Also, if targets aren’t careful, they can unwittingly allow themselves to be programmed to over apologize even after the bullying threat has passed. In other words, over-apologizing will become a habit… an automatic response any time they perceive a threat.

As a result, this will only attract more bullies, more abusers, and more abuse.

Let’s delve deeper by describing what happens in the bullied brain. When others bully, abuse, and make you unnecessarily apologize, you develop new neural pathways after so long.

Moreover, these new neural pathways slowly rewire us to become subservient. And the lines between what we should and shouldn’t apologize for become blurred.

So, when is no apology necessary and what are the things you should never apologize for?

1.Your very existence.

You have just as much a right to be here as the next person. Never ever apologize for being in this world. However, understand that there will be those who feel that you don’t have a right to be here and everybody has those people.

Remember that The Lord put you here for a great purpose. You have your space to fill, and you have every right to carve it out.

 2. Setting boundaries.

As human beings, we all have unalienable rights endowed by God, one of which is to stand up for those rights. If someone is violating you in any way, you must set boundaries.

You must call them out and make it absolutely clear to them that what they’re doing is wrong. Also, you must let these people know under no uncertain terms that you will not put up with their abuse.

Your boundaries are like an invisible force field that you place around yourself both physically, emotionally, and psychologically. The boundaries you set are what protect you from anyone wanting to disrupt your mental and physical well-being.

Remember that you have a right to personal safety. In other words, you have a right not to be harmed by anyone. You have a right to be drama-free and to live in peace.

Therefore, never be sorry for doing what you must do to protect your peace.

3. No apology necessary for Defending yourself and your loved ones.

This is a part of setting boundaries. If someone is harming you and your loved ones, you have every right to defend yourself and them.

A while back, media outlets were implying that if people of European descent defended themselves against home invasions, robberies, physical harm, and murder; it was wrong because they considered it “white privilege.”

 Ahem! No! What this is, is a human right. I

It is a right to protect yourself and loved ones against any threat to yours and their safety. Furthermore, it is human survival and self-preservation.

Everyone has a right to protect themselves from harm, no matter their race or skin color! And you should never feel guilty for defending your right not to be harmed.

Never! You have a God-given right to save your own life! God gave you a brain. Use it!

4. Walking away from drama.

Bullies, abusers, gossips, backstabbers, and troublemakers are people who bring us unnecessary drama. Life’s too short for it.

Anyone who brings you drama doesn’t deserve to be around you. To break it down, they don’t deserve to be in your space, or in your life. Period.

However, when you put your hand up to your bullies, turn your back, and walk away, many of them will try to guilt you for that choice. But, see it for what it is.

The reason bullies guilt you or ridicule you when you walk away and refuse to refuse to their utter buffoonery is because they want to control you.

Again, it’s all about control. And how they control you is to manipulate you into a reaction. Don’t react.

Stay above their pettiness and stupidity. It preserves your peace and drives them insane.

Above all, know that you have every right to get up and walk away. Never allow anyone to make you feel guilty for that.

5. no apology necessary for Your successes and accomplishments.

When you’ve worked hard and finally achieved hit a milestone or accomplished a goal, you have a right to be happy about it. Also, anytime you score a win, you have a right to the rewards that come with it.

Moreover, you have a right to enjoy and celebrate the fruits of your labor and your successes.

Many times, jealous, insecure, and resentful people will attempt to make you feel guilty for being successful. Don’t fall for that garbage!

This is not to say that you should let it go to your head and be arrogant. And you shouldn’t let it affect how you treat others.

However, do be pleased about your success, whatever it may be. You have that right.

6. Being who you are.

You are beautifully and wonderfully unique. There is no one else in this world like you nor will there ever be.

Understand that the original is worth so much more than a copy. Don’t be peer-pressured into cheapening yourself by becoming just another copy of someone else

Realize that you will have those in your life, whether at school, work, in the community or in your family who will not like seeing you comfortable in your own skin. There will be people who will hate anyone who has the courage to be themselves and do it fearlessly.

Why? Because you have something they don’t have. And that is the courage to be yourself and the peace of knowing who you are and of loving and accepting yourself. You must realize that fake people become madly jealous when they notice these qualities in another person.

Therefore, let no one make you feel guilty for being who you are- an original!

7. Your happiness.

Happiness comes from within. You, as much as anyone else, deserve your joy. If you’ve done the inner work and found purpose in your life, let no one demand that you apologize for it.

All the while, be forewarned that there will be those who resent your happiness because they’re not happy themselves.

Moreover, they will accuse you of being too full of yourself. They will call you arrogant and overly-confident. Again, stay above these people because they are miserable and want you to be miserable with them.

8. Your lifestyle.

Unless you’re a criminal and your lifestyle is about causing others pain, never apologize for the way you live.

Ways of living that are unapologetic include well-earned affluence, poverty that you can do nothing about, being a single parent, etc. When it comes to these things, people really need to mind their own business.

Furthermore, you have a right to tell them just that if they have the audacity to judge your lifestyle.

To protect your self-esteem and confidence from bullies, abusers, you must be clear on what needs an apology and what doesn’t. Also, you must know who you are and what you will not accept or tolerate from other people.

With this knowledge, you have a powerful weapon with which to preserve your self-esteem and, thus, your personal power and your life.

this post was all about when to decide when there’s no apology necessary to help you raise your self-esteem, Feel better about yourself, and either preserve or reclaim your personal power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

5. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

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Did you know that there are times when you don’t have to explain yourself? Do you want to know the 5 reasons you shouldn’t and under which circumstances?

you don't have to explain yourself

A sad part of people targeting you for bullying is that they will force you to take responsibility for things you can’t control, like their horrid behavior. Also, chances are good that you’re doing all the research on how to gather the courage to refuse to answer to your bullies.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Sure, people have told you this time and time again. But how do you gather the courage to refuse? You learn, most likely, the hard way, that your bullies are only trying to strip you of your personal power.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn the reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself to your bullies.

After you learn not to answer to these people, you will finally be your own hero. Also, you will take back your personal power and live in peace.

This post is all about the steps and mindsets to get to a place to where you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. These are things that every target of bullying should learn.

You Don’t have to Explain Yourself

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. There are reasons bullies accuse and attack you. Also, there are reasons why you don’t owe them any explanations.

1. Bullies project on you. They accuse you of the same things they are guilty of.

The reason they do this is to make you look like the guilty man. And when you try to explain yourself to them and swear up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong, your bullies will twist it to make it look as if you’re the one trying to cover your own behind.

For example, when you stand up for yourself, they will accuse you of being rude and disrespectful. However, realize that your bullies will only do this to gaslight you and make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

Don’t fall for it. Simply call out their gaslighting and tell them to step off. Or,  you could just put your hand up and walk away.

However, in most cases, your best recourse is to not try so hard to convince anyone of anything. Let people believe what they want, then let that help you decide who you should cut out of your life for good.

For the love of Pete! If the people who take your bullies word over yours are those you thought were your friends, show those people the door. Fast!

Look at it this way. These people aren’t really your friends and they don’t deserve the privilege of your presence, let alone your friendship! Stop keeping company with people who aren’t worth your time.

Understand that when you rid yourself of fake friends, you automatically make room for true friends to come into your life. And believe me, they will. You might have to wait a while but better people will show up in your life.

2. Another Reason Why You don’t have to explain yourself: Some people Will Try to Bait you

Moreover, the reason they bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. These psychological payoffs are satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

To break it down, while you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince your bullies that you aren’t guilty of whatever they’re accusing you of, they’re mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the back.

They’re proud of themselves over how easily they’ve gotten you to react. Also, they’re getting a high on how easily they can scare you, make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one.

3. Explanations are usually a waste of time and energy

Why? For three reasons:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that most people only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong.

Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Sometimes it’s just better to let them all know up front that you don’t owe them any explanations. Then, end the confrontation by telling them all to piss off before turning your back on them and walking away.

4. If nothing else, know this! Your bullies and abusers already know you’re innocent of their accusations.

In other words, all the mind games they play with you are deliberate!

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, they’re doing it to make a big show. Have you noticed that toxic people usually loudly accuse you of something in front of an audience?

Again, these people already know you’re innocent. They’re only doing it for show and to achieve nefarious ends.

They are, more than likely, fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression they accuse you of. So, you must realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react.

And why would they stop? You’ve probably been giving them that rush of power all along. And your bullies are addicted to it.

Understand that the power rush always wears off quickly. Therefore, your bullies will only crave another rush soon and come back for more. Power is something bullies can’t get enough of.

5. even if you produce evidence to prove your point, you will have to work to gather that evidence.

Do you really want to work that hard all your life? Here’s another hard fact about bullies:

They get their thrills just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself. Therefore, stop trying so hard to prove yourself to people who don’t (or shouldn’t) matter.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to people who have no bearing on my life. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t sign my paychecks, and they aren’t my spouse or my parents. These people have no say over any part of my life.

4. Are they even up to my level?

5. Do they bring anything positive and worthwhile to my life?

Once you ask these questions, you will know the answers. Moreover, you’ll realize that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death.

It’s difficult not to began rattling off in nervousness, when you just want them to go away and leave you in peace. But trust me, they won’t! Remember, bullies and abusers always come back for more!

This bears repeating. It won’t make things better. If anything, the harassment will only get worse because your reaction will only make you an even bigger and easier target.

Here’s what Will Happen Once You Realize what Your Bullies are Doing

 Once you realize what your bullies are doing and where it all comes from, you will began to get bored with them.  Also, you will blow the bullies off with a “whatever,” and walk away because their mind games will no longer affect you.

Therefore, you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails. Moreover, you won’t be any fun to them anymore.

The day will then come when your bullies will finally leave you alone and find some one else to toy around with.

This is why you must do whatever is necessary to take back your personal power and your life. Stop thinking you have to explain yourself to people who could care less anyway. Since when do you owe thing a damn thing?

Know that you deserve so much better. Command the respect you deserve. Also command better treatment. And if that means you walk away and sever ties with toxic people, then, so be it.

Therefore, know that you can do better than them.

This post is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. Its purpose was to help you lift yourself out of victimhood and reclaim your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

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Do you want to know how to go about putting yourself first so that you can live a freer and more peaceful and purposeful life?

putting yourself first

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity, especially if you’re a victim or target of bullying.

Sadly, many people have been conditioned from childhood to believe that putting yourself first is self-centered and greedy. Therefore, they put others before them to such an extent that they end of tolerating use and abuse.

In this post, you will learn the importance of putting yourself first. Also, you will learn the best, most time-tested self-care practices and how to practice them free of shame.

After learning these things, you will more readily prioritize your own needs. Best of all, you won’t feel any quilt nor shame when it’s time to take care of you.

This post is all about the importance of putting yourself first to help you give yourself the same love you give others, and do it guilt-free.

Putting Yourself First

Before we get into the practices, let’s make this absolutely clear.

Putting others first isn’t a bad thing. It shows that you care about your fellow man and that you’re willing to contribute some good to the world. Therefore, it’s an outstanding character trait to have.

However, many people have been conditioned, often by well-meaning parents, that the polite thing to do is to put others ahead of themselves. That making sacrifices for others shows manners and that they are “good people.”

However, when you overdo that courtesy or you do it at your own expense, that’s when it becomes a bad thing. The problem is that people will come to expect you to be a yes-person and take their crap.

Then, sooner or later, you’ll begin attracting users and abusers and become a doormat.

In taking this advice, many of us found out the hard way that giving too much of ourselves sometimes involved overlooking abuse. Even worse, we found that it didn’t make the mistreatment go away but only encouraged the person to abuse us later.

Growing up, you hear every excuse imaginable:

“Oh, they’re just having a bad day.”

“Maybe they have an abusive or cheating spouse at home.”

“Oh, but you never know what that person is going through.” Blah-blah-b-blah.

A few adults in your family and a few teachers more than likely advise you to,

“Give them a break.”

“Cut so-and-so some slack.”

“Try to overlook him.”

“Oh, but try to put yourself in her shoes.”

“Be reasonable.”

I know how you must have felt. That probably got old very quickly and you eventually grew fed up and wanted to scream,“Um- EXCUSE ME! I’ve been ‘reasonable,’ and the only thing I ever got from it is taken advantage of! Would you be reasonable if this happened to you?!”

Therefore, no matter what anyone tells you, it’s okay to put yourself first. And no law or rule says you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior- from anyone! Ever!

Anytime people mistreat you, then someone advises or forces you to “be nice” or “understand what Joe Blow is going through,” it only means that, subconsciously, the givers of this advice either don’t care about your boundaries, or they’re afraid of making the offending person angrier, and of the situation escalating.

Some people just can’t handle conflict. They are only trying to silence you to appease the person who’s being a total jackass.

These kinds of advice and expectations can do one of either two things to you as you get older:

A. It can program you to be over tolerant of unacceptable and abusive behaviors and set you up for a life of getting bullied by other people.

In other words, you grow up being so afraid of pissing anyone off that you accept any abuse to avoid conflict. You end up living a life of being crapped on by others.

B. It can have the exact opposite effect and give you an “F-you” attitude and a bad case of The Don’t-Give-A-Craps.

Put another way, because others have forced you to accept bad behavior in the past, you become a mean, bitter, and apathetic adult and could care less about anyone. That’s not good either.

Maybe you’re like me, one of the lucky ones. It gives you an equal blend of both. You believe in treating others how you’d want them to treat you and don’t mind lending a helping hand to someone who needs it.

But if for one moment, you suspect that someone is taking your kindness for being a fool, you’ll drop that person like a bad habit and they’re on their own!

Here’s the point. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to put others before you, but only in particular circumstances.

Here Are a Few examples.

It’s perfectly fine to give an older adult your chair in a crowded doctor’s office.

It’s okay to get up and offer your seat to a combat soldier in a crowded airport.

In fact, it’s called having respect for elders and servicemen and women who fight for your country.

But never take abuse nor accept excuses for unacceptable behavior. Anytime someone crosses a line with you, go ahead. Respond in kind. Give it back to them because only then will the person realize that you aren’t a doormat and find someone else to abuse.

Realize that you are not selfish or being self-centered. It’s called self-preservation. And now for the habits you must get into to put yourself first.

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Habits to Practice

1. Set Boundaries and Say No when you must.

You must have boundaries or you won’t have any respect.

Saying no to others automatically establishes boundaries. It also means saying yes to yourself.

By saying no, you give yourself the gift of choice and autonomy. Many people, especially bullies, will demand that you go along with something that isn’t good for you.

Therefore, saying no and putting up boundaries can be essential for your well being. Never say yes to anything that puts you in danger or makes you uncomfortable.

Trust your feelings, be true to yourself, and say “no,” no matter what the cost. This is putting yourself first.

2. Make Time for Yourself.

In other words, make time to rest, relax, be alone, and just chill. Also, make time to pursue your own interests. Work on your goals and put in the work to make your dreams come true. Dedicate 2-3 hours of your day for you-time. And know that you are worth it and you deserve it.

3. Putting yourself first means asking for Help.

Admit it. Sometimes you need a little help. We all do.

Realize that you’re human and you can’t conquer the world. Especially not by yourself. Therefore, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

If you need your husband to help you clean the kitchen because you’re not feeling well. Ask him. Or, if you need help with your algebra homework, it’s perfectly okay to ask your older brother to help you.

Besides, all they can do is say no. They aren’t going to shoot you for it. So, learn to take risks. That means asking for help when you need it.

4. Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Making mistakes is a part of being human. However, it is also how we learn. So, try new things and don’t be afraid of not doing it right the first time. You learn more from mistakes than you do anything else.

5. Putting yourself first also means Doing what you know is right for you.

In other words, make your own decisions. You will have people, especially bullies and haters, who try to butt in and tell you what they think you should do. Don’t listen to their squawking.

Only you can do what’s best for you. Only you know what decisions to make in your life. Do what you feel is best for you.

You may or may not make the right decisions. However, if you make the wrong choices, learn from them. Only you can live your life. No one else can do it for you.

6. Never Concern yourself with other’s opinions.

Realize that most opinions you get from others, especially those from bullies, don’t (or shouldn’t) matter. When you worry about what other people think, you become a slave to them. In other words, they own your butt!

Everyone has an opinion. The only opinions you should be concerned with are those of God, yourself, and the people who love and care for you the most.

This is another lesson in putting yourself first. When you put first your opinions and those of people who love you, you automatically put yourself first.

7. Make time to Do the things you love to do the most.

If that’s travel, then make time for it. If you love playing music, make time for that. When you’re engaged in your hobbies and favorite things, you add meaning and happiness to your life.

There may be those who ridicule you over your hobbies. But realize that people who make fun of your favorite things to do have no hobbies of their own.

Therefore, continue to do the things that fulfill you. It makes life so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

This post was all about putting yourself first so that you can live your life freely and with purpose and meaning.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

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Do you want to know about setting boundaries and how it can improve your life and your relationships? These powerful practices have changed my life and they will change yours too.

setting boundaries

When you’re too afraid to set boundaries, you hand over your power. In that, you doom yourself to a life of use and abuse. But once you lose that fear and begin taking control of your life, I can attest that things will make a dramatic change for the better.

You are going to learn about the importance of setting boundaries and the best practices you can use to do so.

After you learn about all these practices and techniques, you will no longer be afraid to hold your ground when people try to push your limits. Even better, you will take back control of your life!

This post is all about the best ways of setting boundaries that every victim of bullying should know and use.

3 Best ways of setting boundaries

1. If someone violates your boundaries, speak up.

In other words, tell the person to stop and use body language to convey that you mean it. For instance, you could put your hand out like a traffic cop as you tell them to stop. This is good because it will most likely shock the bully.

However, if they keep it up, raise your voice and tell them, “I said stop it, now!” And when you say it, say it confidently and firmly while looking the bully in the eye and giving him a hard glare. Also, make a power pose (hands on hips and feet shoulder-width apart).

The last thing you want to do is to sit or stand in silence and say nothing. You must let the bully know that you aren’t one who will put up with them.

Remember that, In today’s world, bullies and abusers are everywhere and they will violate your boundaries if you allow them to.

Also, remember that bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. In their minds, you’re the victim and you don’t deserve the same human rights as everyone else.

Sadly, many victims of bullying don’t have the confidence they need to set boundaries. They only keep their mouths shut, grin, and bear it while others wipe their feet on them.

Consequently, this only damages self-esteem and overall mental health. Just as you would protect your physical boundaries, you must also protect your psychological and emotional boundaries as well.

It’s your responsibility to put a stop to the abuse, no one else’s

It isn’t your fault if you’re a target or victim. However, at some point, you will need to make a stand. Do you want to spend your whole life being someone’s footstool?

Don’t continue to suffer in silence and obscurity. You should never allow people to use you as a rug. Realize that if people are bullying you, it is your responsibility to put a stop to the abuse, no one else’s.

Yeah, I know you look at schools everywhere and see anti-bullying policies on their websites and “Stop Bullying” posters on their walls in the hallways. Workplaces even have their own policies against bullying.

But the reality is that most anti-bullying policies aren’t worth the paper they’re written on. Why? Because people in authority rarely enforce those policies. Also, in most cases, the institution will only take the bullies’ side over yours. It happens all the time.

That’s why I stress that if a person is being bullied, it’s their responsibility to put a stop to it.

I understand that setting boundaries is not easy. In fact, it’s one of the hardest things to do. Especially after people have bullied you for so long.

They may have brainwashed you into thinking that you’re to blame for their brutish behavior. Your bullies may have even conditioned you to take the abuse and allow them to ride roughshod over you. Or, you may even fear for your physical safety.

However, at some point, you will have to make a choice. You either stand up and defend yourself or you keep taking it and spend your entire life with people jerking you around.

That’s no way to live. So, again tell the person to stop while using body language and facial expressions that match your words. You’ll be glad you did!

2. Say “No.”

And mean it. Put simpler, if someone asks or tells you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, say, “no.” Then, back it up by refusing to do it.

“No” is a tiny word but has huge power behind it.

However, many of us were raised to believe that saying “no” is rude, self-centered and disrespectful.

Many of us grew up during a time when children automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter whether or not the adult was being fair. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us.

Nevertheless, the adults in our lives often forced us to say yes. Abusive ones conditioned us to go against our own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment.

It was “obey, or else.”

As a result, they ended up molding us into spineless adults. We get used and abused by partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Why? Because, in the past, we were duped into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) means that we’re “good people.” We got the message that being agreeable shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Only we ended up learning the hard way that it’s the exact opposite- what it really means is that we become easy targets for human vampires, leeches and predators.

“No” is not an easy word to say.

“No” is not an easy word to say, especially to bullies, abusers, narcissists, and psychopaths. Why? Because they despise it when you tell them no and, chances are that they will become enraged and retaliate.

However, realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled. This is why they take being told “no” so personally.

However, you must hold firm even if they retaliate, and even if they use tactics of emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping. Know that any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is NOT your responsibility OR your problem.

Don’t cave in and eventually, they’ll give up and go find another stooge.

3. when someone physically attacks you, defend yourself.

To put it bluntly, if someone physically attacks you, you are well within your rights to haul off and punch them back. And when you do, do it with all your strength and make sure to go for that booger box. Hitting a bully in the nose will stun them. Then, when the bully is stunned, unload on them.

Physical violence should be a last resort after all else has failed, that much is true. However, it becomes necessary when someone is physically attacking you and the situation calls for self-defense.

Whether or not to hit back is the question on every bully target’s mind these days, especially in today’s climate of political correctness that we find ourselves in. Politicians, the media, and movies vehemently suggest not fighting violence with violence. You’ve probably heard statements such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”
And,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

However, what if your bully won’t let you be the bigger person? What if your bully has you cornered and you can’t walk away? What do you do then?

Also, what would the person making the statements above do? Obviously, they’re not the one who’s bullied and facing a possible beat down. Therefore, what right do they have to make such statements?

Don’t you just love it when those who know so little talk so much, giving you all this free advice?

speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

Furthermore, bullies don’t understand nonviolent means. They don’t understand talking it out, reasoning, politeness, and diplomacy. The only language they understand is brute strength and raw power.

Therefore, you speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

You throw up your dukes and punch the bully’s lights out. Remember, this isn’t about a competition of “Who’s the Toughest Kid on the Block.” It isn’t about any pissing contest.

What it’s about is protecting yourself. It’s about keeping someone else from harming you and it’s also about safeguarding your physical health and well-being.

Also, it may be about survival. I can’t count the stories I’ve read about school fights where bully victims have been beaten to death. These days, there are countless news stories about bullies murdering their victims during a fight.

So, why just let another person use you as their personal punching bag and leave everything up to chance?

This post was all about setting boundaries to help you gather the courage to stand your ground when dealing with bullies and human predators.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

self-defense, hanging pair of boxing gloves

Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

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Want to know the best methods of defending yourself from bullies that every victim of bullying should know? These are the successful defense tactics you need to know about.

defending yourself from bullies

Defending yourself from bullies can be terrifying and if you’re anything like me, you’re researching ways to protect yourself properly. Having once been right where you are now,  I’m giving you the most successful self-protection techniques you need to know and that I and many other overcomers of bullying swear by.

You will learn all about defending yourself from bullies, using best remedies that I and several other targets have taken to free ourselves from bullying once and for all.

After learning about all these strategies, you are going to be able to successfully counter your bullies’ attacks and take back control over your life.

This post is all about defending yourself from bullies, providing you the steps that every young victim of bullying must know.

Defending yourself from bullies and how you do it.

1. Know Your enemy.

This requires that you stand back and OBSERVE the people around you but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this.

This is how you find out who the trouble makers are. If you see another person gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure they will do the same to you. This is how you avoid bullies and save yourself a ton of drama.

2. Document everything!

Defending yourself from bullies also demands that you keep a journal and write down every bullying incident. Documenting each and every occurrence serves two purposes:

a. It establishes a written record, which is evidence that is admissible in court in case you decide to sue for damages.

b. Also, it allows you to keep everything organized and explain your side of the story in a clear and intelligible manner. In other words, it keeps you from rambling when reporting the bullying to a school official or company manager.

Always record the incidents using the 5-W method (What, Who, When, Where, Why, and sometimes How). In other words, you must write down the names of not only your bullies, but anyone present when the altercation took place.

Write down what happened and, include the names of authority members (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time of the incident.

You should also record the date and exact time. Very important!

Don’t forget to jot down where it happened. what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!!

There will be more on the 5-W method of documentation in a future post.

3. Defending yourself from bullies means that you Don’t reveal any information about yourself that you would not want to be told.

 Never share anything private about yourself to anyone, including your friends. In other words, your business is your business and no one else’s.

Besides, you never know if your friend has another friend who is either your enemy or is somehow closely connected to one of your bullies. Also, if you are the target of bullies, you can be sure that your bullies will, at some point, either try to pry information about you out of your friends or they will turn your friends against you altogether.

Therefore, keep your private business to yourself.

4. Keep a low profile.

Don’t do anything that may undue attention to yourself. Also, stay away from places the bullies may gather.

Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.

Lastly, know that avoiding toxic bullies is not cowardice, it’s smarts.

5. Save any threatening texts, emails, and/or voice mails for evidence.

if possible, set your cellphone to record during any altercation brought on by a bully, provided it is hidden in your pocket. You certainly do not want the bully to know what you are doing.

Furthermore, keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language. The last thing you want is to give your bullies ammunition to do the old DARVO switcheroo and make you out to be the bully.

If you happen not to have a cellphone, keep a digital recorder handy (if possible) and be ready to record as soon as the torment starts.

However, before you record the bullying, make absolute sure you know the laws in your state concerning recordings. In some states, recording of others are against the law and your bullies would love nothing more than to have an excuse to sue you.

Again, make sure you get abreast to the laws in your state!

6. Defending yourself from bullies also means to never brag about any evidence you have against your bullies.

It just isn’t smart. Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends.

Moreover, they can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information. Don’t do it!

Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!

7. Call the bully out in front of an audience, especially those in authority.

This is risky and could bring retaliation later. However, the bullies will also know that you are on to them and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone.

This happened for me on a few occasions. However, keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone.

Calling the bullies out in front of people can also have the opposite effect.  Bullies absolutely despise humiliation, especially by anyone they deem inferior and they will only be that much more determined to get you.

So, pick and choose your battles wisely. Access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this.

8. Have a strong set of beliefs and principles.

Defending yourself from bullies doesn’t only take physical strength, it takes a lot of mental toughness as well. When you have a strong set of beliefs and principles, you’re least likely to fall for lies and name-calling your bullies try to bombard you with.

Therefore, you’re least likely to allow them to influence how you see yourself or to cause you to make decisions and choices based on their approval. Instead, you will do what you know is best for you and what makes you feel happier and most alive.

9. be okay with who you are.

This is, perhaps, the most fundamental rule of all because, when you aren’t comfortable with yourself, you will be least likely to defend yourself. Realize that you are perfect just the way The Creator made you.

However, don’t confuse low self-esteem with the desire to improve yourself. Know that it’s okay if you strive for self-betterment.

We all have goals and aspirations. That goes for you, me, and everyone. The problem comes when you allow others’ opinions of you to change the way you view yourself.

Never put yourself down because bullies and everyone else is putting you down. In other words, no matter what they say or how they act toward you, do not, under any circumstances, lose sight of your worth.

Continue to value yourself and refrain from thinking that you should be like someone else. You are you. Be okay with it.

The trick is to practice self-acceptance and self-love while you improve.

10. walk away from All toxic people

Toxic people, AKA bullies, abusers, users, and losers, serve no purpose but to bring you down and keep you there. These people can also be fakes who pose as your friends.

Therefore, know that anyone who even subtly insults, guilt trips, or gaslights you does not deserve one micro-second of your time. You’d much rather be alone than with fake friends who throw zingers and backhanded compliments your way.

You’ll be much happier and at ease without them in your life. You’d much rather be alone than with people who make you feel like you don’t belong. So, be patient and better friends will come along. I promise you!

11. If a bully physically attacks you, hit them back.

This seems to be the question on everyone’s mind these days, especially in the notoriously politically correct climate in which we live. “Should I hit back if one of my bullies hits me?”

My answer is, “‘Damn right you should!

Although the media, politicians, and even big-name celebrities and influencers vehemently discourage fighting violence with violence, should you actually listen to them?

You hear school officials, managers, police personal, and others in positions of authority make statements, such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”

And the all-time favorite,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

But what if one of your bullies won’t let you be the bigger person and walk away? Then, what?

Understand that bullies don’t understand politeness, civility, nor diplomacy. The only language they know is raw power and brute strength. Therefore, when a bully physically attacks you, you have a God-given, primal right to defend yourself from being harmed. I state this with full conviction!

Yeah. I know it isn’t the “politically correct” thing to do. But when someone is harming you, all that jazz about political correctness and being the bigger person goes out the window, and the gloves are off.

The only thing you should think of at this point is how to disable your attacker. Additionally, you want to give them such a bad memory that they’ll never even think about laying so much as a finger on you again.

You aren’t a troublemaker or a brute for this. It’s self-defense and you’re well within your rights to defend yourself when someone attacks you.

Therefore, if a bully hits you first, haul off and knock their block off! And when you do, don’t just give him a love pat. Deck the creep with the strength of your entire body.

Your counter punch should be so hard that you knock the bully down and they have difficulty getting back up. Then unleash a hail of hard licks so that he doesn’t get up. Because once they get up, the person will charge you!

Again, self-defense is not a crime, it’s a right when a bully attacks you.

This post was all about defending yourself against bullies to help you ensure your safety and peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. 4 Powerful Ways to Handle Physical Bullies

2. The Mindset Behind Physical Violence

3. Bullying and the Fight or Flight Response

2 Powerful Defense Strategies Targets Use

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Being a target can be a lonely and terrifying existence. Because of the intense hatred people spew daily, you walk on eggshells because you don’t know what the bullies and their minions will do next. They could physically hurt you, or worse. Also, you feel desperate to correct what is wrong, but you have no clue what it is.

So many targets can relate. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a target of school bullies, you are not alone, and you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.

So, what are two lesser-known defense strategies targets use?

1. They Dress up for school or work.

To keep their self-esteem from completely tanking, they may dress in flashy clothes, desiring to look like a million bucks for school or work. Clothes from Walmart just aren’t good enough for these targets. They feel they must shop at Maurice’s, or maybe even Nordstrom in order to feel good about themselves. And if they don’t dress to the nines at school, they feel less than. They also resort to this to alleviate some of the shame they feel.

Not that dressing snazzy is a bad thing. It isn’t. However, the reason these target do it is because they’re insecure inside and the clothes help to remedy that insecurity.

This has a lot to do with how poorly people have treated them. So, they then dress even better, only for the bullies and the rest of the student body or coworkers to label them “a poser.” However, the nice clothes and knowing that you look damn good has a way of buffering your self-esteem when bullies go on the attack..

Targets also feel that their attire provides them a sense of not only style but control.

2. They act stuck-up and conceited.

Put plainly, targets may think to themselves or even say out loud, “I don’t care what they say. I’m awesome. They’re just too jealous to admit it.”

Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Is it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no. Sometimes, a good defense is for the target to act conceited and like they just don’t need any of them.

In other words, their holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might be, helps targets to preserve what little self-esteem and dignity they have left. It helps them to keep going when things were at their worst. Most importantly, it helps them to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by evil bullies who would love nothing more than to destroy not only their bodies, and prospects, but also their minds.

A defense Mechanism to keep people away.

Targets may walk around with their noses in the air and refused to speak. Also, they may have a sassy and smart-alicky attitude. Moreover, I say this from experience. I was extremely sarcastic and had a snotty disposition. I even laughed at and bullied others to grab back some power. My attitude stunk – period.

Again, it’s the only way some targets know to stay strong and and maintain a little bit of poise.

Although, it’s only a self-protective behavior, the downside to this is that this attitude can easily get targets hurt or worse. It can also drive away people who otherwise could and would be great friends and allies. Nobody wants to put themselves at risk of being rejected, even people who aren’t targets of bullying. I don’t recommend you bully others like I did. However, if people are bullying you, you have every right not to speak to them and to hold your head high. Just be aware of the circumstances first.

Some targets of bullying can be really sarcastic. This sarcasm gives them a sense of power. In fact, it’s how they survive. But understand that this reaction to others is only out of fear and it’s no way to live. Therefore, I cannot stress enough that, if you’re a target of bullying, don’t let it change your overall attitude for the worse.  Pick and choose the times and people you show your snarky attitude to. Sometimes, it can be socially powerful, but at other times, it can get you into serious trouble.

What are your thoughts? Please feel free to comment on your experiences and what you did to cope.

Bullying and the Fight or Flight Response

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upshot of attacker with his foot raised to stomp you

Bullying and the fight or flight response go hand in hand.

According to the Psychology Tools website, “The fight or flight response is an automatic physiological reaction to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. The perception of threat activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee. These responses are evolutionary adaptations to increase chances of survival in threatening situations.” ( https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/fight-or-flight-response/ )

Any time bullies target a person with relentless bullying at work or school over an extended period of time, they force that person into a constant state of high alert. Although useful in short, immediate circumstances, this hyper-vigilance is unhealthy if the person remains in this state for too long, causing stomach issues, headaches, and fatigue, among many other ailments.

Even worse, facing continuous danger can also cause the person to overreact in response to certain occurrences.

The Fight or Flight Response is Innate. Every Creature on earth has it.

Every living creature has an innate and perfectly natural physiological reaction in the event of a threat or attack. Called the Fight or Flight Response, it protects us from harm in dangerous situations through the release of adrenaline. When adrenaline is released into the blood, it’s next to impossible not to do either of two things- fight or flee.

Fight or Flight sign showing a man with fists raised and another running away

When others are consistently bullying and abusing you during school or anywhere, escape is usually not an option. Your bullies will corner, surround, or back you into a wall or some other large object. With flight cut off to you as an option, what do you have left? Fight! Long-term bullying can cause a person to live on this adrenaline every day, all day long. All your aggressors have to do is to come around you and they can put your body and mind on constant alert. It’s a horrible way to live.

Getting on the school bus and walking through the entrance to the school can feel like a death march. Moreover, horrible headaches and violent nausea will plague many targets.

Here is an excerpt on the subject from my book:

“I recall an afternoon in English class when my mouth and eyes began to water. I swallowed hard to control my gag reflexes as I approached the teacher’s desk to ask to be excused to the bathroom.

‘What do you want?’ Mrs. Caraway asked rudely.
‘I don’t feel good.’ I replied.

Without a word, she gave me the hall pass, and I scurried my way to the girls’ room, I barely made it to the first stall before launching a stream of the bitterest, most horrible tasting green liquid into the toilet.

man balled up in a corner with the words, claustrophobia, stress, panic, depression, anxiety, and fear on the wall behind him

A long series of dry heaves followed, which were quite painful. Instead of making me feel better, the vomiting only did the opposite, and my headache became next to unbearable.

I’ll never forget the sound of the bathroom door as it flung open and the teacher stormed in, demanding to know why I was taking so long. I began to cry and, in between gags and wretches, pleaded with her to let me go to the office and call my grandmother….”

She accused me of making myself vomit so that I could go home early.

targets live in a constant state of survival mode.

Even teachers can join the other kids against you once they hear enough rumors and falsehoods bullies spread about you. This can place you in a very lonely and heartbreaking position.

As time goes on, the fear of going to school and having to face their megalomaniac classmates grows. It’d like an infected tumor that grows bigger with each passing day. A target’s stomach draws up every morning when they set foot on a school bus.

The next eight hours are like walking through a minefield, never knowing when your next step could mean BOOM! Others begin hitting, shoving, kicking, or bombarding the target with a torrent of taunts, insults, and names. It is a situation they see no end to, and to say that they are afraid is an understatement. Targets are petrified.

Fenced off field with sign on fence warning of mines

Most never think of the magnitude of fear the target must live with. Also, they don’t think of the health consequences of living in that perpetual state of fight or flight. The impact on the target’s physical health may not show up right away. However, it may rear its ugly head later in life.

But this doesn’t only happen in school; it happens in the workplace also. What people once believed to only happen to school-aged people also happens to adults in the workplace. Bullying knows no age group.

authority figures usually blame targets for defending themselves.

Many targets get into serious trouble when the bullying finally escalates and becomes physical. Every day, school staff unjustly suspend or expel innocent targets are unjustly from school for exercising their rights to self-defense.  Moreover, managers in the workplace terminate bullying targets from work because bullies force them into fight mode to defend themselves.

Bullies have a real flair for charming and seducing supervisors, managers, teachers, and staff. They lie very convincingly and making the target look like the aggressor. Targets are often severely punished for nothing more than trying to protect themselves. Whereas, bullies are either given a slap on the wrist or escape with complete impunity. In short, the target has no support whatsoever!

School staff and workplace management should know well that, just like all God’s creatures, bullying targets have this fight or flight instinct. Therefore, they have the right to defend themselves if running is not an option.

Cornered dog feeling threatened and getting ready to bite you

And when bullies are attacking the target left and right and you have no support, it’s left solely up to them to take care of themselves in bullying situations.

It’s only natural that if you corner a dog and kick it enough times, sooner or later, you’ll get bit!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Empowering Feeling of Saying No

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Quote, "Saying no means yes to your rights"

Saying “no” can be difficult and at times, even downright scary. Like when bullies are trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do.  You know the feeling when they threaten either physical harm or worse social exclusion if you don’t do what they want you to do. I know the feeling because I’ve been there.

Nobody wants to get hurt. The natural human response is to submit and make the pain, torment, or the threat of, stop. In your mind, you’re thinking, “Alright, alright! I’ll do it if you’ll go away and leave me alone!” I get that because it’s what I did. Sadly, I submitted to my bullies many times, too many times. I fell for the false promises that they would let me be and stop hurting me. But-

Saying yes to them meant saying no to myself.

They never made good on those promises. The harassment didn’t stop. If anything, it only got worse! Anytime I did say no, they would threaten me and yes, even physically attack me.

Saying no to a bully is never an easy option. Bullies don’t take no for an answer, least of all from their targets! However, not only is it necessary, but it feels darn good sometimes!
If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve said the word “no” a lot more than I did. I wouldn’t have cared about the retaliation I might have faced. Unless one of my bullies had done something drastic, like pulled a gun, I’d have stood firm.

In no way would I advice anyone to risk their life. If someone pulls a gun on me, I will do what I must do to stay alive! I’ll do what he wants and tell him what he wants to hear. Moreover, I’ll dance a jig wearing fluorescent orange and white polka-dotted bell bottoms if it keeps me from dying!

I’ll grant you, saying no is risky.

But if they only threaten me with the business end of their fists, I know I’m only going to come out of it with a shiner and a fat lip. In a situation like that, it’s much safer to say no. Those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing I hadn’t let myself down will last for years.

However, if you do choose physical safety first, I want you to know that you’re not wrong for that. In no way will I ever think less of you if you submit to your bullies’ demands. As I mentioned earlier, a natural reaction is to obey to keep from being harmed.

And the winner is...

Today, I say that little two-letter word a lot more and will continue to say it in the future. It doesn’t matter what people say, how they feel about it or what they do. I would much rather get the crap kicked out of me and still feel good about myself for taking a stand. Today, I’d rather take a beating than to cave under pressure.  I’m funny about letting myself down by doing something I didn’t want to do. To me, that’s worse than getting my butt kicked! But that’s just me.

Many times, I let myself down by saying yes.

My physical wounds healed. But knowing I let someone else force me to do something I neither wanted to nor agreed to, left a psychological injury that took a long time to recover from. I ended up asking myself, “Now, why didn’t I tell those creeps to take a flying leap off the highest cliff head first?” That feeling of powerlessness was worse than the physical pain I would have suffered.

So, permit yourself to say that tiny little word because it can be so empowering! You may indeed get your tail kicked, but at least you’ll feel good knowing you got hurt because you stood for something! Those psychological benefits will significantly outweigh the embarrassment of any beat down! Besides, you forced a bully to do something foolish and which will likely get him in trouble with an adult or the law! So, I ask you! Who’s the real winner here?

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Be Careful What You Put Up With

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Quote, "I deserve the best in life."

It’s best to begin standing up for yourself in the early stages or you’ll come across as a doormat to others. You will teach them how to treat you based on what they see. Sadly, many targets of bullying do not realize this until the bullying gets so out of control that their lives are in danger. By then, it’s usually too late to change anything and the only option left is for target to remove him/herself from the environment.

Furthermore, bullying always escalates and the more you ignore it, deny it, and tolerate it, the more emboldened, brazen, and full of themselves the bullies become until they become drunk on their own power. As a result, the abuse will get out of control and you’re most likely to end of getting severely hurt or worse.

Quote, "Be good to yourself today."

bullying is addictive because its all about power.

Bullying is like a drug. As we know, it takes one smoke, one drink, or one snort or two for a person to become hooked. Afterwards, they always want more. Likewise, it’s the same with bullying. All it takes is one backhanded compliment, one offhand comment, or one insult or two to get the target to react.  When the bullies get the reaction they want, they get that initial power high. Then, they always come back for more.

Also, drug addicts slowly build a tolerance to the drug, and, as time goes on, they need a bigger dose. First, they need one milligram, then two, then four, then eight, and on it goes. It’s no different with bullies. Just as it is with drug addicts with their drugs, bullies escalate the bullying, then escalate it further to keep getting that rush of power.

Quote, "Be real, be true, be yourself."

Bullying only escalates because, with time, bullies need bigger and bigger doses of power.

First, they start with offhand comments, backhanded compliments, and petty insults. Also, they may smear you to others and give you the silent treatment. When these lose their thrill, they escalate to yelling, cursing, and severe name-calling. Therefore, the verbal assaults become more blatant and hurtful.

Next, when blatant verbal abuse loses its luster, the bullying progresses to borderline physical abuse. Bullies will (accidentally on purpose) trip the target, lightly shove him, or run into him in the hallway.

Later, when bullies can no longer get their power rush from light physical bullying, they take it up, yet, another notch. They’ll progress to more obvious physical beatings- slapping, punching, choking, kicking, etc.

Once they get bored with this, they’ll begin using weapons. Bullies will hit with textbooks, slam heads against lockers or the sides of vehicles. Afterwards, they’ll use sticks, bottles, pipes, baseball bats, and so on.

Quote, "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect."

boundaries, respect yourself

So, understand that bullying and abuse always- always…escalates! In other words, it always gets worse and more severe. It also becomes more frequent!

The best time to stand up to bullying is during its earliest stages.

I’ve said it before, bullying is best countered and quashed in the earliest stages of it. The best time to stand up for yourself is during the “testing phrase”- when bullies are testing you to see what how you will react and what you’ll allow them to get away with.

You must stand up to bullies and abusers before they’ve had time to grow accustomed to abusing you.

Treat yourself better by not allowing others to abuse you, because how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Remember that you deserve better and you don’t have to put up with abuse from anyone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Physical Bullying: Should You Hit Back?

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It seems to be the question on everyone’s mind these days, especially in the notoriously politically correct climate in which we live. The media and politicians vehemently discourage fighting violence with violence. You’ll hear statements from others, such as:

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Don’t stoop to the bully’s level.”
And the all-time favorite,
“Be the bigger person and walk away.”

I’ve heard them all.

self defense

Yes, you should try more peaceful ways first, like walking away from the bully or reporting it to someone in power. However, what if the more peaceful solutions don’t work?

If you don’t stand up for yourself, the bully will only continue to come after you and hurt you. Also, everyone who knows you will see you as a punching bag at school and everywhere else. Because when word gets around that one person can hit you and get away with it, everyone else will think they can too. They’ll peg you as the school or the community whipping boy. That’s no way to live.

In the middle of a physical attack, the last resort is the only option you take.

So, here it is:

When a bully physically attacks you, you have a God-given, primal, animal right to defend yourself from being harmed. I state this with full conviction!

Therefore, if a bully hits you first, haul off and knock his block off! And when you do, don’t just give him a love pat. Deck the creep with the strength of your entire body- hit so hard that the bully has difficulty getting back up. Then unleash a hail of hard licks so that he doesn’t get up. Because once the bully gets up, he will charge you!

Yeah. I know it isn’t the “politically correct” thing to do. But when someone is harming you, all that jazz about political correctness and being the bigger person goes out the window, and the gloves are off.

Make them Not want to put their hands on you ever again!

The only thing you should think of at this point is how to disable the bully. Additionally, you want to give him such a bad memory that he’ll never even think about coming for you again. You aren’t a troublemaker or a brute for this, folks! It’s called self-defense!

However, this doesn’t mean that you bring a gun or other deadly weapon. Lethal weapons will only kill someone, and put you behind bars for the rest of your life. Never EVER carry a gun to school! It’s much better to put up your dukes and throw down when you must.

Again, punch the bully’s lights out! School stuff may suspend you from school, and managers may fire you from work. You may even go to jail for a night or two. However, people are much more vicious with physical attacks nowadays. Furthermore,  if you just let someone smack you around, they’ll only intensify the beatings until they hurt you bad enough to send you to the hospital or worse! And I’d much rather them suspend me, fire me, or take me to jail than to spend a month in the hospital or end up six feet under.

You may not condone fighting but sometimes there’s no other option.

Nevertheless, you may not condone fighting. Although you may need to fight many times in school, you may hate it each time you have to. However, when you’re a 5’4″, 120-pound girl being jumped and most of the time by multiple assailants, it may be your only option. If you are a small-built male and the attacker is much bigger than you, it’s not the time to play patty-cake. There will be times when you’re boxed in and cannot go anywhere.

When there’s no other choice, it’s either fight or risk your bullies possibly maiming or killing you. Sometimes the last resort is the only way to protect yourself. You must let the bully know that you’re not the one to mess with and that you aren’t afraid to fight back if necessary.

There will be others who may disagree with this post, and that’s okay. I am very thick-skinned now and rarely do I get offended. I can agree to disagree. But I will do what I have to do to protect my well-being and my life if ever I’m in physical danger.

So, if all else fails, go ahead and whoop that ***!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Feel free to comment below.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Foolishness

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Although healthy, forgiveness doesn’t mean you think what they did to you was okay. Far from it. What it means is that you refuse to let those who transgressed against you set up camp in your mind. It means that you refuse to hold onto grudges that may block you from your rightful blessings. In this, you make room for growth and success.

Sadly, too may people think that forgiveness means that you must become buddy-buddy with the person and have something to do with them. They then wonder why they keep getting hurt. Realize that bullies only see forgiveness as a weakness and stupidity. They view forgiveness as a green light to continue their abuse because they take for granted that you’ll always be okay with it.

Understand that forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to interact with the person who did you wrong. It doesn’t mean you continue to be someone’s fool. You can forgive someone and still realize that they’re no good. Toxic people are dead weight and though you may forgive them, you realize that it’s still best to keep them at arm’s length.

You’re strong enough to forgive but wise enough to avoid toxic people.

You avoid them because you realize that these people will only take your forgiveness for foolishness. Because these people have a history of pushing your boundaries, you’re forgiving, yet assertive.

Forgiveness is great because it gives you peace of mind. However, if you continue to allow these people to have a place in your life, they will only continue to take advantage of you. You don’t have to be mean to or mistreat them but there’s no law that says you have to trust them again. It’s better that you don’t trust them.

Some people you must forgive from afar.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What Bullies Want You to Believe & What You Should Believe

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Understand that bullies thrive on power and control. If they can’t control you, they’ll control how others view you. Also, they’ll use redundancy and repetition to make you believe their lies too. Here’s what they’re most likely to try and get you to think of yourself and what you should believe:

1.What bullies want you to believe

Apart from us, you can do nothing, you are nothing, and you never will be.

What you should believe

Apart from you, I’m better off. I can do anything I set my mind to do, I’m somebody, and later down the line, I’m going to be great and do great things.

2. What bullies want you to believe

You’ll never find happiness without our permission.

What you should believe

I don’t need your permission to be happy. I’m much happier without losers like you in my life.

3. What bullies want you to believe

Nobody will ever like or love you.

What you should believe

Maybe you never will, but I don’t mind because you don’t matter. There will be others who’ll love me for me. I’ll find my tribe.

4. What bullies want you to believe

You’re nothing without our approval.

What you should believe

I’m nothing with it because you are nothing. I don’t need your “approval” because it will never define me. Your opinion matters not because, for something to matter, you must first value it.

Therefore, always counter the statements, including the unspoken ones. You’ll be surprised at what it will do for your self-esteem and your spirit!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

3 Reasons Targets Fear Setting Boundaries

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All too often, targets of bullying have a hard time setting boundaries. Many just keep their mouths shut, grin and bear it while others wipe their feet all over them. They suffer in silence and obscurity, which only further damages their mental health. If being used as a rug hurts so much, why do they allow it to continue?

There are several reasons:

1. They don’t have the confidence.

Many targets of bullying feel helpless and simply think it wouldn’t do them any good. So, they see no point in speaking up because they know that they’ll likely get bullied worse for it. It takes confidence to set boundaries, which, sadly, is something a few bullying targets have.

Also, as we know, bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. In their minds, you’re a target and, to them, a target has no rights and deserves no human dignity. Bullies don’t see targets as human beings deserving of the same human rights as everyone else. That’s a fact.

2. They feel powerless to stop the abuse.

Again, setting boundaries is anything but easy- it’s one of the hardest things to do after people bully you for so long and brainwash you into thinking you’re to blame for their horrid behavior.

Many targets have been abused for so long that they’ve “gotten used to it.” In other words, bullies and their sycophants have conditioned the targets to take the abuse and allow them to ride roughshod over them. Many times, targets have been fooled into believing that setting boundaries is selfish.

This is why many targets cave in to the bullies’ demands. They feel it’s safer just to give them what they want and pacify them.

3. They fear the bullies will retaliate.

If you’re a target of bullying, you may badly want to tell your abusers to knock it off. You may want to tell them to get the hell away from you and stay away. You may even want to fight back, but you don’t know how they may react.

Another thing you don’t know is whether they’ll accept your boundaries, nor if they’ll want to accept them. You know that there’s a chance the bullies may act violently toward you for having the chutzpah to speak against their abuse.

Bullies despise even a hint of opposition because they see it as your challenging their power and perceived authority. And they’ll do whatever they can to tighten their grip if they suspect you’re defying them. And sometimes, things get dangerous, and you must do it scared.

But what they don’t realize is this. When you set boundaries, you enact your autonomy and speak from a place of self-care and self-love. You decide what you will and won’t tolerate. You take your power back.

However!

Before you’re able to do that, you must be clear of what you will not accept.

It takes uber-confidence to stand up to a bully. It would be best if you also gave up your old self-protective behaviors – those you tried in the past that failed, which are ways your bullies and a few other abusers in your life probably conditioned you to respond.

1. You must stop over-apologizing.

2. You must stop trying to explain yourself to anyone.

3. You must stop trying to figure out what made the bullies so hostile.

4. You must stop wondering what you did wrong.

5. You must stop wondering if something’s wrong with you.

6. You must stop asking, “why me.”

Before you can stand up to abuse, you must squash the mentality that compels you to do any of the above mentioned.

You must understand that all the why me, why this, why that, gets you nowhere. And all the wracking your brains wondering and trying to figure out what’s wrong also serves no purpose. It’s a complete waste of time and only makes you feel worse.

Instead, be real with yourself and conclude that your bullies are just a bunch of ignorant, moronic jackasses who lack character and live fake existences. You must also learn to trust yourself, which includes trusting your body and how it feels. Trust everything you see, hear, feel, sense, and the vibes you pick up from the people around you. And finally, trust your decisions.

It also takes dogged determination:

1. Even if your bullies rationalize and justify their behavior, you won’t take their crap.

2. Even if they blame you for their despicable behavior, you won’t take it.

3. Even if they tell you that you’re crazy or mentally imbalanced, you won’t take it.

4. Even if they call you a bitch, an asshole, or any other degrading name, you won’t take it.

5. Even if you made a mistake and your bullies call it out in an abusive manner, you won’t take it.

6. And, for the love of Pete! If the bullies commit physical violence, you definitely won’t take that! Get the police involved, file charges, and sue for any damages! Or, put up those dukes and throw down if you need to!

And it’ll take calling your bullies out every single time they cross the line.

You can say:

“Stop it!”

“Cut it out!”

“Knock it off!”

“Get away from me!”

“Get out!”

positive bullied victim says NO

You get power just by loudly giving either one of these commands. And who knows? I’m not making any guarantees here, but you might shock your bullies back to reality and make them leave you alone. There were times when I was pleasantly surprised, and it worked for me.

You do not have to walk on eggshells around anyone! Know that you do have a choice and a voice. You can choose not to accept the bullies’ behavior. You have more power than you know.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How to Stay off The “Hadar”

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Many times, I would pit a few of my classmates against each other. If I knew of a few who disliked or hated each other, I’d very quietly and secretly pit them against each other. An offhand comment here, another there, and I’d have them fighting among themselves. Yeah, I know, it was a shady thing to do. However, if I could keep them fighting among themselves, then I could distract their attention and hostility away from me and, thus, keep the spotlight away!

And when people chronically bully you as they did me, you’ll do anything, and I mean anything to get a nice, albeit short, a reprieve from all the drama. And sometimes, “ya gotta do what ya gotta do” to keep yourself safe.

If you can find a few bullies who hate each other as much as they hate you, then perfect! Or, you can find classmates or coworkers who are mad at each other, stoke the fires a little, and take advantage of it! Stir the pot between them because if you can keep them busy fighting each other, they’ll leave you alone. And let me tell you! It worked wonders!

Understand that your goal is not to cause trouble. Your goal is to take the “hadar” (hate radar) off you and to protect yourself.

The only thing I’d advise is that you should use this sparingly. Save this little technique until you’ve exhausted all other options.

So, if you must, keep them too busy to even think about you. It’s not that you’re trying to hurt anyone; your only goal is to keep yourself safe!

With knowledge comes power!

You Should Always Address Bullying in The Early Stages. Here’s Why:

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My grandmother once told me this: “Never. And I mean never let anyone get comfortable with abusing and mistreating you.”

She was right. By the time she gave me that little gold nugget of wisdom, it was already too late. I was in high school and had been a target of bullying since moving to *Oakley School District in the sixth grade. But right then, I understood what my very wise grandmother meant and why she gave me that advice.

Here’s what Uma (what I called my maternal grandmother) had already known by being a people-watcher and very good at people-reading:

Once the mistreatment of a person has gone on for so long, the people around them get comfortable with mistreating that person. They grow so accustomed to being cruel to the person that they don’t even think about, nor do they care about how they hurt that person. Even worse, they come to expect the target the take the abuse without question, without talking back, speaking about it, and without defending themselves.

Put another way, if a target firmly stands up to bad treatment in the early stages of being targeted, it’s more likely that others will respect his right to be treated well and either leave him alone or began treating him better.

Whereas, if the target lets the bullying go on for a long time, then begins to stand up for himself after getting fed up with being everyone’s doormat, others will more than likely be only angry and resentful of the person for daring to open his mouth about it. They will then double down in their abuse or eliminate him somehow.

Once a person gets comfortable in mistreating you, it’s much more difficult to fight. Therefore, always speak out the moment the bullying begins. Never let it go on for any length of time. The sooner you do, the easier it will be to assert your rights and avoid retaliation.

With knowledge comes empowerment!