7 Powerful Ways to Spy Lies Bullies Tell

Have you ever wondered if someone was telling the truth (or not)? Before I go any further, it should go without saying that we should only trust bullies as far as we can throw them. In other words, we trust them at our own risk.

However, there are many great actors in the world these days- people we think are friends but are only the opposite. Therefore, sometimes, it’s difficult to spot it when someone is deceiving us.

So, how do we spy the lies? We do it by watching the person’s body language. What are the “tells” that the body gives away when someone is lying? Here are 4 powerful ways to spy lies bullies tell:

  1. The Eyes.

The liar may have shifty eyes, or they may avoid eye-contact altogether.

  1. The Body.

The deceitful person may fidget continuously. He can’t help it!

  1. Voice.

The faker may clear his/her throat.

  1. Vagueness.

The person telling the falsehood may be vague in their story, leaving out crucial details.

  1. pauses (especially after you ask a question).

The person may have to think before speaking. In other words, they have to think up a lie to cover the last lie they told.

  1. The Arms.

The liar may keep his arms still. Stillness is their way of avoiding giving off any tells.

  1. Answering questions.

They always respond to questions with questions. Why? Because they can’t find an answer that sounds good. Or they’re afraid that any answer they give will be another tell.

Understand that, mentally, it takes more work to lie than to tell the truth. People who lie have to study others carefully to make sure they respond the way that they want. Liars worry about how believable their stores sound. Therefore, they must work, and work damn hard, to appear credible to their associates.

Watch the body of the person closely. If you spot one or more of the above signs, you have then, most likely, spied the lie. Also, most importantly, you must document the bullying you suffer and document every instance of it.

And lastly, watch bullies show their true colors when you or someone else calls them on their BS. That will be the most obvious tell!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

11 Reasons It’s Hard to Say, “No”

“No” is such a tiny word but has huge power behind it. It can be intimidating to both say to someone and get for an answer. Targets of bullying have an especially difficult time saying no to people. And why not? Others have bullied them into saying yes for so long that they’ve conditioned the targets to do it without thinking. However, many people who have never been bullied also have a hard time telling others no. Why is that?

There are many reasons:

1.Many of us were raised to believe that saying no is self-centered, rude, and disrespectful. 

When we were children, adults often forced us to say yes. Abusive adults often conditioned us to go against our own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment. It was “obey, or else.”

Many of us grew up during a time when we automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter if the adult in question was being fair or not. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us. Just by virtue of being adults, we “owed” them respect simply because they’d lived on this earth longer than us. We were made to believe we were obligated to give respect to any adult no matter how lowdown and creepy the person may have been.

Sadly, these adults conditioned us this way and molded us into spineless, submissive adults. As a result, we get used and abused by our partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers because all our lives, we’ve been duped into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) of us means that we’re “good people”- that being agreeable one hundred percent of the time shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Only we end up learning the hard way that it’s the exact opposite- what it really means is that we become suck-ups, kiss-butts, and wusses.

Saying no means setting boundaries. And if we don’t set boundaries, we only end up with self-esteem that was never given the chance to develop properly. Therefore, we place ourselves at the mercy of bad people.

2. We’re afraid of offending people.

Let’s face it, people, especially bullies and abusers, often become offended with things which aren’t necessarily offensive. Understand that some people, especially bullies, abusers, narcissists, and psychopaths, hate it when you tell them no and will become infuriated. So, be prepared.

They will lay guilt trips on you and tell you what a rude and selfish person you are. Also, you will most likely even feel pangs of guilt and feel as if you’ve done something wrong. But don’t you believe it! See the person’s behavior for what it is- emotional manipulation.

Realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled. This is why they take being told “no” so personally. Realize that any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is neither your responsibility nor is it your problem.

3. We’re afraid of letting other people down.

This is understandable. No one who’s a decent person and worth their salt want to let down another human being. However, if you don’t save a little time, energy, and resources for yourself, there will be nothing left for you. Constantly putting your needs and priorities on the back burner isn’t healthy at all.

4. We’re afraid of being thought of as selfish.

Most people care what others think and many, perhaps, a little too much. Although it’s normal to want others to think of us as good, decent, and caring people, too many people feel they must bend over backwards to prove it. This kind of thinking is unhealthy. It reeks of desperation and only attracts users and abusers who’ll only bleed you dry of time, energy, resources, and self-esteem.

Remember the verse in the song, “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring? The verse that quotes, “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care…yeeah…”

Nooo! What it does is make you look like a simp to other people.

5. You waste so much of your time.

And that is time you’d rather spend with your family, closest friends, and loved ones. Or it could be time better spent studying your lessons, working on your own pursuits and hobbies, or resting. There are only 24 hours in a day and if you’re constantly prioritizing others first, your needs will take a back seat and you won’t have time left for yourself and the people who matter most.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential! It’s a necessity! Realize that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but that’s okay. So, be okay with it.

Be prepared for some people to call you “selfish” when they hear the word no come out of your mouth. But again. Remember that you’re not responsible for the way they feel or for their problems.

6. We want to help others because it’s rewarding.

This is normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. Helping others makes us feel good and has huge heart-rewards. For example, when we help our family members and friends, it shows them that we love them, and we care about their happiness and well-being. When we help total strangers, we do it because we care for our fellow man. That feels great!

The problem comes in when we’re so busy taking care of others that we don’t have time to take care of ourselves. When it reaches this point, life can get stressful and overwhelming. Also, bullies, users, and abusers will take notice and try to exploit our generosity, taking our kindness for being weak and dumb.

These are things we much watch out for.

Realize that you only have so much of these commodities. Use them wisely and don’t waste any of them on people don’t deserve them or haven’t earned them (i.e. bullies, abusers, anyone who takes you for granted).

7. We have low-self-esteem.

When we have a low self-image, we are under the false assumption that our time, energy, and resources aren’t worth as much as those of others. We believe that we’re inferior to everyone else. Therefore, we quickly say yes to others, even those who give ridiculous demands, when we should say no.

Many times, we bend over backwards to prove our value. But worth is something we should never prove to anyone. It is something that’s either there, or it isn’t.

In other words, if you’re a good person, you have value. And if you have value, it’s already there and there’s no need to turn somersaults for people.

Here’s another thing. Saying no will actually raise your self-esteem and the more you say it, the higher it will rise until you realize that you’re just as good as everyone else and that your time, your energy, your pursuits, and your dreams are just as important as everyone else’s.

8. We want approval and to be liked by others.

Wanting to be liked and approved of is a natural human desire that’s hardwired in all of us. It’s how we make friends, connections, and allies. It’s also how we nurture our relationships with family and those we love. We try to relate to and find commonality with others to get accepted.

Many times, this is why we say yes even when we’re better off saying no. Understand that, though you may get approval from others if you’re a yes-person, that approval will be short lived. Because people always come back for more and there will be times when something comes up and you won’t be available for them. Then what?

Realize that keeping your self-esteem and self-respect is worth a hell of a lot more than getting anyone’s approval. And trust me, any approval that has the fine print of conditions tagged onto it is not the type of approval you want.

9. We give in to the threats and demands of bullies and abusers.

Unfortunately, some people won’t take no for an answer. Bullies and abusers are such people. These types will move Heaven and Earth to manipulate you into feeling obligated and saying yes to them. They will try things, such as”

1. Screaming and yelling at you.

2. Calling you names like:

“selfish”

“greedy”

“mean”

“crazy”

“arrogant”

“bitch”

“asshole”

And the list goes on…

1. Cursing you out

2. Threatening physical harm

3. Hurling insults

4. Humiliating you in front of others

5. Ostracizing you

6. Giving you the silent treatment

Understand that these people use these evil tactics to punish you or to make you cave into their demands. They also do this to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, or afraid, in hopes that you’ll give up and give in to get them to stop abusing you. But please, for your sake, don’t’ cave in!

You must realize that, if you give into the bullies’ demands, you’ll only quell their hostility temporarily because, sooner or later, bullies always come back for more and thus, these incidences will become a pattern.

Remember This!

There’s one thing I want you to know right now. Bullies and abusers aren’t dumb. They know exactly what they’re doing. Believe me when I say that your bullies are fully aware that they’re trying to manipulate you. They know good and well that they’re being abusive and yes, they also know that what they’re doing is wrong.

Never think for one moment that these bullies don’t realize what they’re doing!

As long as you remember this, it will give you the confidence, courage, and resilience to stand firm against this atrocious behavior, call it out for what it is, and hold your position.

Better yet, you will be less likely to feel shamed, humiliated, fearful, or guilty. You’ll see the bully’s behavior as a reflection of their cowardice, insecurity, and desperation and this alone will make it easier to stand your ground.

10. We’re afraid of conflict.

Many people are deathly afraid of conflict. Targets and most survivors of bullying are especially so because they’ve had so much conflict forced into their lives. And they will make a complete about-face when they detect even the slightest scent of it.

I shamefully admit that I become one of these people for a while in my twenties. However, I soon came to realize that conflict is a part of life, and many times cannot be avoided. There are times when conflict will seem to hunt you down like a hungry wolf. In other words, conflict is something we will all face at some points in our lives. It is certain. This is why we must learn to be assertive and say no to people when we need to.

Sadly, for many of those who have this fear, giving into others is a quick and easy fix. Any time the other person shows signs of becoming angry or frustrated when the pleaser can’t be available right that second, they’ll try to assuage the other person. They retract statements, change their minds, and acquiesce.

Pleasers believe that surrendering to the demands of another is safer (easier) than standing their ground, and they immediately cave in to avoid conflict.

11. Saying yes to everything and everyone becomes a habit.

Many people have been conditioned to people-please and the longer they do it, the more entrenched it becomes until it becomes instinct. In other words, our brains continue to develop more neural pathways for people-pleasing until we become wired to do it and it’s an automatic response. As a result, we do it without even thinking about it, nor realizing it. Realize that for some, people-pleasing is a learned response, and it stems from many factors.

These 11 things are the roots of our apprehension and the best way to solve any issue is to get to the roots of it. If you know why you have a hard time saying no, you’re more likely to know what to do to change it. And once you get over the fear of saying no and begin asserting your rights, you will feel more empowered than you ever felt before. I promise you!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Fall in Love With Yourself First!

two fingers representing couple in love against red background

Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, And this is whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenagers, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships.

Therefore, if a young girl isn’t getting those wants and needs met through peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route.

Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a dating partner makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.

A Partner will Never Help You Achieve Wholeness

Being in a romantic relationship can feel like such a welcome change,. It’s like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It can buffer the self-esteem from the bullying and take the sting out of the torment the target endures.

 

chain and heart-shaped padlocks representing love and romance

Having dating partners and suitors can act as a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation you suffer daily. It provides assurance to the target that they are a great person and worthy of love and friendship no matter what. Affection from a partner can act as a testament to the targeted girl’s beauty and confirmation of her value.

Many of these girls look to a partner to rescue them. They see their partner as a refuge from a cold, cruel world that hates them. However, this is a very needy mentality and can backfire in the long run.

No One is Going to Rescue You.

During school, because I had no real friends, I turned to grown men of late teens and early twenties. Moreover, I did this to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school from people my age. Although I was gorgeous to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name. With that, they also destroyed any prospects for dating and love among peers my age.

However, by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation. As a result, I had an abundance of opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name

I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me, and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. And thirty years ago, underage dating was more accepted than it is today.

I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help . For bullied victims, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.

Co-Dependency isn’t healthy

However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the person eventually comes to believe that if he/she is not half of a couple, they are nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.

encouragement

This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. No one should ever see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. They should never look outside of themselves for happiness. Men and women come and go, and if the person continues to depend solely on them for their fulfillment, they’ll be in for a huge disappointment.

When someone looks solely to a partner to validate them, it’s a sign that the person doesn’t know their worth as a young lady or young man. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see them as someone they can use and degrade.

The person risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what they want before dumping them and leaving them devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a partner they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!

If you are a bullied girl or boy, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself and with life before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a person has sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you.

It’s Okay to Be Alone.

You are just as beautiful and whole without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.

In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.

Be patient. Be careful of the choices you make. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Powerful Defense Strategies Targets Use

Being a target can be a lonely and terrifying existence. Because of the intense hatred people spew daily, you walk on eggshells because you don’t know what the bullies and their minions will do next. They could physically hurt you, or worse. Also, you feel desperate to correct what is wrong, but you have no clue what it is.

So many targets can relate. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a target of school bullies, you are not alone, and you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.

So, what are two lesser-known defense strategies targets use?

1. They Dress up for school or work.

To keep their self-esteem from completely tanking, they may dress in flashy clothes, desiring to look like a million bucks for school or work. Clothes from Walmart just aren’t good enough for these targets. They feel they must shop at Maurice’s, or maybe even Nordstrom in order to feel good about themselves. And if they don’t dress to the nines at school, they feel less than. They also resort to this to alleviate some of the shame they feel.

Not that dressing snazzy is a bad thing. It isn’t. However, the reason these target do it is because they’re insecure inside and the clothes help to remedy that insecurity.

This has a lot to do with how poorly people have treated them. So, they then dress even better, only for the bullies and the rest of the student body or coworkers to label them “a poser.” However, the nice clothes and knowing that you look damn good has a way of buffering your self-esteem when bullies go on the attack..

Targets also feel that their attire provides them a sense of not only style but control.

2. They act stuck-up and conceited.

Put plainly, targets may think to themselves or even say out loud, “I don’t care what they say. I’m awesome. They’re just too jealous to admit it.”

Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Is it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no. Sometimes, a good defense is for the target to act conceited and like they just don’t need any of them.

In other words, their holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might be, helps targets to preserve what little self-esteem and dignity they have left. It helps them to keep going when things were at their worst. Most importantly, it helps them to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by evil bullies who would love nothing more than to destroy not only their bodies, and prospects, but also their minds.

A defense Mechanism to keep people away.

Targets may walk around with their noses in the air and refused to speak. Also, they may have a sassy and smart-alicky attitude. Moreover, I say this from experience. I was extremely sarcastic and had a snotty disposition. I even laughed at and bullied others to grab back some power. My attitude stunk – period.

Again, it’s the only way some targets know to stay strong and and maintain a little bit of poise.

Although, it’s only a self-protective behavior, the downside to this is that this attitude can easily get targets hurt or worse. It can also drive away people who otherwise could and would be great friends and allies. Nobody wants to put themselves at risk of being rejected, even people who aren’t targets of bullying. I don’t recommend you bully others like I did. However, if people are bullying you, you have every right not to speak to them and to hold your head high. Just be aware of the circumstances first.

Some targets of bullying can be really sarcastic. This sarcasm gives them a sense of power. In fact, it’s how they survive. But understand that this reaction to others is only out of fear and it’s no way to live. Therefore, I cannot stress enough that, if you’re a target of bullying, don’t let it change your overall attitude for the worse.  Pick and choose the times and people you show your snarky attitude to. Sometimes, it can be socially powerful, but at other times, it can get you into serious trouble.

What are your thoughts? Please feel free to comment on your experiences and what you did to cope.

4 Easy Ways to Avoid Being Gaslighted

Gaslighting is the worst form of abuse. It is the worst form of manipulation and psycho/emotional control and it happens when bullies and abusers consistently feed their targets lies that cause them (the target) to doubt their own experiences and what they know to be true. In other words, it undermines your perception of reality. Consequently, if bullies gaslight you often enough and for long enough, it can make you think that you must be going crazy.

Nowadays, narcissists, abusers, users, and psychopaths (BKA, bullies) are everywhere, and they will gaslight you. That is, if you don’t know how to avoid it. Sadly, many targets don’t have this knowledge and, therefore, end up brainwashed once the gaslighting has gone on for so long.

One this happens, targets will then become victims. Gaslighters and brainwashers can be anyone- bullies in school or at work, abusive parents and spouses, satanic cult leaders, and crooked politicians and dictators. Although these categories of people are different kinds of bullies from different walks of life, know this! They all pull the same tactics and play the same game.

Moreover, they all have the same goal- power!

Therefore, it’s imperative that you learn how to avoid it to overcome it and protect yourself from any future gaslighting.

Here are three easy ways to avoid this evil tactic:

  1. First and Foremost, Know yourself!

This is the most important thing to do. It means knowing who you are, what you want out of life, and what you absolutely will not accept. You must yourself inside and out and be secure with who you are. Once you know yourself completely, you’ll have the courage to set firm boundaries. Additionally, you’ll feel even better about yourself for doing it.

  1. Recognize gaslighting tactics when bullies use them!

So, what are the tactics used in gaslighting?

  • Doing something abusive and then denying it when you call it out.
  • Attacking your self-esteem when you defend yourself against abuse, such as name-calling, minimizing the abuse, and ridicule.
  • Projection- when the bully projects all their shortcomings onto you.
  • Distraction- when the bully calls attention to your flaws to keep people from noticing theirs.
  • Victim-blaming- blaming you for their abuse of you. Saying things like, “You made me do it,” “You had it coming,” “You deserve it.”

bye, talk to the hand

  1. Distance yourself from the bully (if possible)

This means having as little to do with the bullies as possible. Avoid the places they may gather. Put your hand up and walk away from them if they approach you. Do everything you can to put distance between you and them. If they start running their mouths, don’t respond unless you see an opportunity for a good burn that will embarrass the bejeebers out of them.

  1. See the bullies for the pathetic chumps they are.

When you realize that bullies are really a bunch of cowardly blowhards and on a lower lever than you, their words will no longer carry any weight and their gaslighting is least likely to affect you.

I can’t stress this enough! Confidence is the number one deterrent of bullies and bullying. The more confidence you have, the less likely you are to fall victim to gaslighting. You may be a target of bullies and their gaslighting, but you will never be a victim. Therefore, after so long of gaslighting you and not getting the reaction they want, the bullies will more than likely get bored and move on to someone else.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Are They Intimidating or Intimidated?

angry woman pointing at camera

There are always motives and emotions behind the attacks of every bully.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you, whether it’s something you said, did, or conveyed. It could be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them and becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

1.Fear

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from fighting back is to retaliate with greater force.

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you. You just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose respect, status, and authority (power).

2. Resentment and Revenge

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

3. Deception

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive and go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

5 Body Language Mistakes You Should Avoid

Bullies are always on the hunt for targets. Therefore, they look for signs in a target person that screams “victim.” Bullies will study their quarry’s body language first and foremost. They also note their emotional reactions to certain stimuli. In other words, they watch how the person handles conflict and adversity. But first things first. Let’s talk about body language, particularly, body language you should always avoid and ways to correct it.

1. Lack of Eye-contact (Looking down or away)

Lack of eye-contact signals either dishonesty, or a lack of confidence, which is exactly what bullies look for.

Many targets get nervous in social situations, which is understandable. When people have bullied a person for long enough, that person no longer feels safe in social interactions and will often avoid them altogether.

A little nervousness is normal. However, when you’re nervous to the point of avoiding eye-contact with others, bullies may notice and peg you for a victim. Also, even people who aren’t necessarily bullies may mistake you for being deceptive.

Therefore, the best thing to do is to relax and look others in the eye when socializing. Realize that not everything is about you. Make the interaction about the other person or people in the conversation. Smile. Act confident.

Yes, acting confident may seem fake. However, personal experience has taught me that if you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And confidence is the best way to get through any social situation. Also, it lessens your chances of attracting bullies.

2. submissive body language

This includes poor posture, such as slouching and hunching down. Also, people-pleasing is another form of submission. Behaviors such as shying away from saying what you want to say and not seeking to achieve your needs are forms of people-pleasing.

You must stop this behavior right now. Begin standing and sitting up straight. Stop trying to please other people and instead, start achieving your own needs for a change. Remember that you deserve, just as much as the next person, to have your needs and wants met. Start working toward your own goals.

3. self-protective behaviors (closed body-language)

Crossing of the arms in front of you, crossing your legs, and hunkering down into the shoulders and hiding the neck are all self-protective behaviors. Bullies will instantly notice this behavior from a mile away and think, “fresh meat!” when they see it.

Instead, open up and allow yourself to take up some space. Lengthen your neck and hold your head high. Relax. Always relax!

4. Having a Sheepish Look On Your Face

That includes downcast eyes, holding your head down, and looking bashful. Again, hold your head high. Look people in the eye and smile. I guarantee you they will appreciate it when you do and think more highly of you.

5. trying to stay motionless to avoid drawing attention

This almost always gets you opposite results. Staying motionless won’t keep you from drawing attention. It just might get you the wrong attention- from bullies. You must move freely and I’m going to say it again… relax!

In closing, you must watch your body language if you don’t want bullies to spot you as a potential target, it’s imperative that you watch your body language. In other words, if you catch yourself looking down, correct this by looking people in the eye or looking ahead. If it’s slouching you find yourself doing, sit up straight. And keep doing this until it becomes second nature, no matter how long it takes. Because body language speaks louder than words ever will. Not only should you mind your own body language, you should also watch the bullies’ nonverbal cues as well.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

It Never Pays to be a People Pleaser

Grovel in business, employee sucking up to the boss

To gain acceptance, too many people think that they have to give more of themselves than what is necessary.

Moreover, they feel they must bend over backwards and go out of their way to make others value them. Others have conditioned them to believe that they must be someone other than themselves to win approval from others.

Sadly, most bully targets hold these beliefs.

“If only I was ten pounds thinner and had long, flowing hair, maybe my friends would like me”

“Maybe if I had bought front row tickets to the game, concert, etc. instead of regular tickets, he would love me.”

“If only I made a 4.0 instead of a 3.99, my family would be proud of me.”

“Maybe I should have bought her a dozen roses instead of a half-dozen, then she would love me.”

“Maybe if I worked sixteen hours a day instead of twelve, then my boss and coworkers would like me.”

Notice that these people already put in lots of effort and others don’t thank them for it. Or worse, they don’t even acknowledge it. Some of these scenarios may be a little exaggerated, but you get the point.

Man down on the floor kissing someone's feet, concept of people pleasing and sucking up

People-pleasing never works. It only produces the opposite of your desired result!

Therefore, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, the exact opposite happens. People do not respect a people-pleaser. If anything, they look down on the person with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity.

In the minds of others, the pleaser is a pathetic case. The person is eager to kiss butt in his weak attempts to win friends. Also, the more the person gives of themselves at their own expense, the worse others treat him. Why? Because to others, they are ripe for using and abusing. There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval.

Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

People-pleasers only attract predators into their lives while repelling good, quality people of class and decency. Additionally, human predators have a spidey sense when it comes to picking out those who are weak and approval-seeking.

Toadying man

Don’t be a simp!

If you are a simp (derogatory word for people-pleaser), predatory people will see you coming a mile away. Also, they will bleed you dry of resources, time and worse…confidence and happiness.

You must give these people the boot and do it FAST! Because they suck the life out of you and by the time you realize you’ve been had, it will more than likely be too late. Your confidence and self-esteem will already be shot and you will have to work like hell to get to know yourself again and get it all back.

I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay to want friends- to want positive connections with other people. Human beings are social creatures and we all want that. However, no one should have to eat crap in order to achieve it.

Boy pointing to his butt that has a red lip print on it Concept of kiss my ass

You can say “NO” if you don’t want to do something.

It’s okay to put your foot down and tell someone to get lost anytime they use and/or abuse you.

Also, you can speak up when something does not feel good.

You can have your own opinions and beliefs.

And you don’t have to put yourself out on a limb to please someone else.

You do NOT have to be a doormat! Start today by being true to yourself. If something does not feel good, there’s no law that says you must go along with it.

Quote, "Saying no means yes to your rights"

After you stop people-pleasing, expect backlash and handle it accordingly.

However, be warned. The users you have been associating with will not like the change in you. They have been benefiting from your willingness to suck-up for so long and the last thing they want is for those benefits to stop.

They will resort to calling you “selfish” or “stingy”, among other names. Also, they will accuse you of being self-centered and all about yourself. They will lay all kinds of guilt trips on you. They will do everything in their power to make you look and feel like the lowest form of life on the face of the earth!

But don’t fall for it. No matter what others may say or how they may act toward you, you must hold firm. Instead of people-pleasing, begin asserting yourself. You must make the decision that you will no longer be used or abused by these people! Tell them to take a flying leap and mean it!

Give them the old heave-ho! You do not need them in your life! You have to love yourself enough to walk away!

A name sticker that reads, "Hello, I am a... SUCK-UP!"

be willing to discard these users if you must.

I can guarantee that once you have the courage to kick the garbage out of your life, you will attract better people, who will love you not for what you can do for them, but for just being you. You will have more loving, productive and fulfilling relationships!

Best of all, you will feel so much better about yourself…you will be so happy and at peace. It happened for me and it can happen for you too.

You must take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Signs You’re Being Conditioned

toxic brainwashing

Conditioning happens when others brainwash and train you to believe something. Therefore, evil and terrible abuses get “normalized.” When you’re a target of bullying, bullies will try to condition you to roll over and take their abuse.

Conditioning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit process that can also be soft and subtle. So, how do you know your bullies have conditioned you?

You know by the feelings you have.

1. If you feel guilty for speaking out and reporting bullying to authority, your bullies have conditioned you.

2. When you feel that the bullying is your fault, your bullies have conditioned you.

3. Anytime you feel like a mean and cruel person for standing up for yourself, your bullies have conditioned you.

4. If you feel guilty about saying no to anyone, your bullies have conditioned you.

Are you angry yet?

What are the statements bullies use to condition you? And what do those statements condition you to think and feel? Let’s find out:

1.“Bullying is a rite of passage that everyone goes through.”

This statement conditions you to believe that bullying is normal. But it’s anything but! Bullying is sick, perverse, and damaging to the target. So, say, “Oh no, it’s not!” And be very firm when you say it.

2.“You ‘made me’ hit you!”

This statement conditions you to believe that bully’s despicable behavior is your fault- that you somehow caused the bully to get out of line and that you deserved what you got. Again, this is a blatant lie!

No one deserves bullying and abuse. You have a right to feel and be safe. And you have a right to open your mouth and be heard. Therefore, you counter the bully’s statement by saying, “No, I did not!” And say it with full conviction!

3.“You had it coming!”

“You asked for it!”

“You’re bringing it all on yourself!”

Again, these statements condition you to believe that you’re to blame for the bullies’ horrid behavior.

Consequently, bullies hoodwink you into thinking their evil actions are your fault, and that you deserved it. NOT true! Remember that bullying is abuse, and no one deserves it. Say, “No, I didn’t!” or “No, I don’t, and you know it!” Be stern!

4. “You’re always trying to start something!”

“You’re always making waves.”

“Don’t rock the boat!”

“You’re always making trouble!”

“You just keep pushing it!”

“Don’t push it!”

Again, these are lies and ways to deceive you into silence.

Don’t’ fall for it. Counter the bully’s claims and always, always do it with a tone of conviction.

PTSD

5. You’ll also be accused of:

“Making a mountain out of a molehill!”

“Making something out of nothing!”

“Acting like a crybaby!”

“Being a liar!”

“Being crazy!”

“Not knowing what you’re talking about!”

Just the same, it’s all lies. Counter with “No, I’m not!” or “I know exactly what I’m talking about! I know what you’re trying to do, and I won’t accept it!”

Understand that you’ll hear these statements anytime you attempt to set boundaries and stand up to bullying and abuse. Realize that bullies hate it when you stand against them. Most would cut off their right arm before they’d ever admit to any wrongdoing.

NEver Be Afraid to Speak In Your Own Behalf.

Therefore, don’t let it deter you. Keep standing up. Continue defending yourself. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Because, if you don’t,  no one else will either. So, all you have is you. In a situation of bullying, all you have is your voice. Use it! Don’t lose it!

Start saying no, and do it often. However, realize that you can’t change a bully. And if the bullies resist (and they more than likely will), be ready for possible retaliation. And if they do retaliate and still don’t respect your commands for them to stop, again, it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility.

Moreover, it isn’t because you weren’t firm enough. And don’t think it was because you aren’t any good at standing up for or defending yourself. It’s because your bullies are a bunch of pathetic, self-entitled turds. Realize that bullies are abusers. Abusers have a talent for conditioning their victims. Therefore, abusers expect the rest of the world should bow down and kiss their asses. Nothing more.

Don’t fall for their power plays. Stand up, stand tall, and stand firm no matter what.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

You Know Bullying When You Feel It

dreamstime_s_93685680

One of the saddest things about bullying is the confusion it often brings. Many targets of bullying are confused and misled as to whether or not they are legitimately being bullied or only being paranoid.

Oftentimes, when an individual defends themselves against a bully, others may gaslight the person by either trivializing the bullying or dismissing it. They tell the target that “it’s only in your mind” or “you’re just being paranoid”. Half the time, people convince the target of the above statements, which only forces him to endure the torment in silence. Bullying cannot thrive without silence.

Bullying Cannot Thrive Without Silence

Therefore, the bully is let off the hook and is free to target the same individual again in the future. The bully gets the message loud and clear that it’s okay to target this person simply because they can – and with impunity.

After so long, the target begins to feel as if it is somehow wrong to report and stand up to bullies. the person then questions their own sanity, thinking, “Maybe it really is only in my mind.” and often grows silent for fear of being gaslighted and seen as “paranoid”, “crazy”, “overly sensitive” or other labels that undermine and steal their voice.

Bullying is Not Only In YOur Mind.

If you’re a target of these mind games, let me assure you: It’s NOT only in your imagination. You are not being overly sensitive. You are not being a wimp, wuss, crybaby, crazy or whatever else unsavory people may call you.

Always remember that bullies are very skilled and convincing liars. You always know when something does not feel good. Your brain and your gut always let you know when something isn’t right!

You can see it in the way certain people cut their eyes at you.

You can see and hear them talking through their teeth.

Also, you can hear the short and cold tone in their voices.

You can feel, deep down in your gut, the nasty vibes they exude.

This is why you should always listen to your gut feeling because it is never wrong. Eighty-six those people, pronto!

Defending their rights concept

Anyone who causes you to feel bad does not deserve the time of day from you.

It does not matter if they are rich, smart, good looking, popular, successful, cool or tough. If they cause you to feel less than, ditch them! Weed. Them. Out! They are not worthy of even being in your presence. Never allow anyone to violate your boundaries, whether physical or psychological. Also, never allow anyone to silence you. Speak out! Refuse their gaslighting.

Self awareness is key, as is awareness of everyone and everything around you. Setting boundaries is equally important. You must get to know yourself. Listen to your body and the sensations you feel.

It is imperative that you get absolutely clear on what you will and will not accept. Only then will you be able to tell the difference and send your bullies packing.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Difference Between Curiosity and Nosiness

My husband and I have discussed how people often confuse curiosity for nosiness.  We both agreed that the two are different after I told him how they differ. Soon afterward, this conversation gave me an idea for a future blog post. However, I forgot about it because I was swamped with household duties, yard work, and other priorities.

Next, a fellow blogger and wonderful friend, Kym Gordon Moore, posted about the subject on her own blog. You can find her lovely and insightful post here.

what is the difference between curiosity and nosiness?

Simple. Curiosity doesn’t violate anyone’s boundaries. Whereas, nosiness does. This was my response during the above-mentioned conversation with my husband. And I didn’t have to elaborate on it.

In the words of Kym Gordon Moore, “Being nosy is prying into other people’s business, meddling, being intrusive, and snooping, oftentimes gossiping about what they find out,”

“…curiosity is more of a desire to learn something new that enhances one’s intellect and not about poking your nose in other people’s business for annoying reasons.”

Her statements were spot on, and I couldn’t agree more!

What does a Nosy Person and a Curious person do differently?

A curious person doesn’t invade others’ privacy. A curious person is more interested in educational information. They want to know more about how things work than they do other people.

On the other hand, a nosy person will pry into your personal and private business, trying to get some dirt on you. It’s all for the purposes of spreading it to everyone later. These are people who will listen and ultimately, make you look like a scandalous person. Moreover, a nosy person will snoop through your mail, your computer- heck! If they can get access to all your social media passwords, don’t think they won’t go there too.

Understand that bullies are such people, and they will be the nosiest of the nosy. Why? Because they’re always and forever on the hunt for damaging information they can use against you.

Nosiness is invasive. If a nosy person asks you a personal question and you refuse to answer, they will accuse you of “having something to hide.”

nosy people will claim you have something to hide if you don’t give them answers.

Moreover, this is how bullies trick their targets. They will use the “having something to hide” line to coerce their targets into giving up the details. Moreover, many targets will feel compelled to give it up even if they know it’s better to keep it private!

When bullies make this accusation, targets will cave in and go against their better judgement. Some will answer the bullies’ questions, just to prove that they don’t have anything to hide. Consequently, they get themselves into trouble.

If you ever find yourself in this predicament, I want you to understand that your refusal to answer isn’t about having anything to hide. It’s about some things just not being anyone else’s business. Realize that you have just as much right to privacy as the next person.

Additionally, I want to mention that bullies will also accuse you of being nosy when you’re clearly trying to learn something new. This has happened to me and, being a young teenager, I fell for the lie and let it have a negative impact on my learning.

Responding to a Nosy Person

Close up of examining of test sample of microchip transistor under the microscope in laboratory.

Therefore, it’s so important to learn the difference between curiosity and nosiness. Knowing this difference will make you able to counter busybodies with confidence. Also, you’ll be able to confidently defend yourself any time some snake accuses you of being nosy when you’re only trying to learn and educate yourself.

So, in closing, I’ll again give you the short and easily digestible explanations of curiosity and nosiness.

Curiosity- a desire to learn something new that enhances one’s intellect and broaden one’s education. It includes reading, researching, studying, observing, and listening for information that can make you more intelligent and help you grow. Curiosity is non-invasive and non-intrusive. It does not seek to violate personal boundaries or to cause harm.

Nosiness- prying in other people’s personal business. It includes meddling, snooping, asking personal questions, and eavesdropping on other people. Nosiness is invasive and intrusive. It seeks to violate another’s personal boundaries and to cause harm to them.

Learn these differences by heart and you will be better able to counter bullies in any of the above-mentioned scenarios.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When the Labels Meet People Before You Do

The most insidious thing about being a target of bullying is the loss of opportunities to meet new people. In other words, you lose the inability to move on with new friends. When bullies and their drones have unjustly slandered or libeled you, even total strangers will no doubt hear of you. Then, chances are that they will automatically have their minds made up about you before they get a chance to meet you. Sadly, this is one feature of bullying that crosses very few people’s minds.

invisible enemies

What’s even scarier you are left completely defenseless against any attack these strangers may bring. When you haven’t the slightest idea who your attacker is, how do you know who to watch out for? How do you know who to avoid? It’s impossible to protect yourself from invisible enemies.

This is often the case once bullies have unjustly used smear campaigns against you. It is a situation in which you are walking blind and it’s even more dangerous! You cannot see the enemy. Someone could walk right up to you on the street, in broad daylight, with a weapon hidden on them and you would never know of their intent to hurt or kill you until it was too late.

Remember. We lost the Vietnam War because we didn’t know who the enemy was. We didn’t know exactly who was or wasn’t on our side!

Fighting Ghosts

It’s the same when you are a target of bullying, especially if you live in a rural area where everyone knows everyone. Once your tarnished reputation reaches so far, there will be times when you won’t know who is coming for you. And it will be as if you are fighting ghosts.

Sadly, in these cases, the bullying has for so long gone on that your reputation in the community has become ironclad, and there isn’t much you can do to change it. Therefore, the best you can do to better your life is to move away and get a fresh start in a new town. It will be the only way you will find happiness and stability.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and The Human Stress Response

Bullying and the Human Stress Response go hand in hand as bullying automatically activates this response in targets. Whenever bullies accost their target, the targets body instinctively goes into survival mode.  Therefore, the automatic response is either to fight or flee. But what happens when their bodies stay in that state due to long-term bullying?

the effects of Long-term bullying on the sympathetic nervous system.

According to the Cleveland Clinic website, “Your sympathetic nervous system is a network of nerves that helps your body activate its “fight-or-flight” response. This system’s activity increases when you’re stressed, in danger or physically active. Its effects include increasing your heart rate and breathing ability, improving your eyesight and slowing down processes like digestion.”( https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/23262-sympathetic-nervous-system-sns-fight-or-flight#:~:text=Your%20sympathetic%20nervous%20system%20is%20best%20known%20for%20its%20role,your%20get%20out%20of%20danger. )

After so long, bullying can screw up the target’s Sympathetic Nervous System. It can cause confusion and emotional numbness in targets. Moreover, the constant bullying puts the fight-or-flight response into overdrive.. After bullies have bullied a target for so long, adverse changes in the victim’s brain began to occur and the human mind begins to decline.

what long-term bullying does to mental health

Long-term bullying affects decision making and emotional control the most. Loss of cognitive abilities and a severely diminished ability to control emotions and think clearly and rationally will blind the target to any alternatives to their current situation. This is why targets often snap and do irrational things when the pressure builds to the breaking point.

Because children’s brains are still developing, kids stand a higher chance of damage to the mind and SNS. Relentless bullying can cause a child or teen to lose the ability to discern and make choices to get them to safety due to their brains’ negative changes.

If you’re a parent and you know your child is a target of bullying at school, you must help them leave that environment and get them into a new school so that their minds can begin healing and their abilities to make good decisions and reason can be restored!

Remember that a plant cannot grow in a hostile environment of no sunlight nor water. And neither can human beings grow in a hostile environment of bullying and abuse.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Know the Body Language of Targets

Bullies bully many of their targets long term, most over a period of years. Imagine what that does to the targets’ confidence and self-esteem. And sadly, it comes out in the targets’ body language.

Therefore, many targets of bullying are very nervous people, especially in social situations. And why not? Bullies have beaten them down- stripped them of their confidence, vibrance, their entire personhood. Is it any wonder they’re constantly walking on eggshells and monitoring every action and every word that comes out of their mouths?

It’s a crappy way to live when you’re always on guard.

Are they nervous and afraid or are they lying?

Consequently, many targets of bullying get accused by authority of lying about the bullying they suffer. Why? Because people all too often mistake nervousness and anxiousness for deception. If you’ve ever read “Othello,” by William Shakespeare, you’ll get a clearer picture of this heartbreaking scenario.

Many targets are often afraid to even look people in the eye, especially those with Asperger’s and on the Autism Spectrum. And being bullied to the point of lacking eye contact is a terrible thing. Although bad eye contact or complete lack of can, in fact signal deception, it’s usually not the case with targets. When a person is suffering from bullying or any type of abuse, it usually conveys nervousness and terror.

Therefore, we must look at context. Have we witnessed others consistently bullying and abusing the target? It’s too easy to confuse fear with deception if we aren’t careful.

Other signals of nervousness and fear are shaking, sweating, lip-licking and touching the face and neck. Again, targets of bullying are anxious. Who wouldn’t be if they were relentlessly bullied?

Before we make the snap judgement that the target is lying or has something to hide, we should always look for other nonverbals that go with it. Moreover, we must look at context- the circumstances in which the nervousness comes about.

Submissive Body Language

Many targets of bullying also display submissive body language. No surprise there. They have encountered bullies who have abused them so badly and for so long that they feel helpless. They bullying these targets have endured has rendered them powerless.

Therefore, these poor souls tend to be overly forgiving. They want to stay as far away from conflict or criticism as humanly possible because they already get enough of it in their bullying environments, be it at school, work, or home.

These targets will usually have a sheepish look on their faces. They also stay motionless to keep from drawing attention to themselves. Moreover, they tend to hold their heads down and look down all the time.

Protective Behaviors

Targets of bullying often have closed body language, such as crossing the arms in front of them crossing their legs or hunkering down into the shoulders and hiding the neck. This signals self-protection. Another thing they do is display bad posture by slouching.

This body language that targets display is so easy to spot, yet most people in authority either ignore it or don’t consider it. Worse even, it attracts bullies, users, and abusers!

Bullies can read this body language from a mile away and they will instantly think, “target!” and take full advantage.

It won’t be easy. However, if you’re a target of bullying, it is imperative that you watch your body language. And if you catch yourself displaying any of the above nonverbal cues, you must do your best to correct it.

How do You Stop Looking Like a Target?

When you catch yourself slouching, sit or stand up straight. If you see that you’re looking down, hold your head up and look ahead. Uncross your arms and legs, start making eye contact with people, and stop being overly forgiving. The last thing you want is to continue looking like bully-bait.

Begin seeing your worth and setting boundaries. Lose the sheepish look and replace it with the look of confidence.

Do these things and there’s a strong chance that your situation will improve drastically! And if you’re having difficultly, here are more ways you can buffer your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Know Who the Real Target of Bullying Is

When you witness bullying, it can be difficult to know which person is the bully and which is the target. Why? Because most bullies are cunning, clever, and covert. Therefore, not all bullies resort in physical violence, where they leave bruises, cuts, and broken bones that are easy to see. Many bullies use psychological tactics and emotional manipulation to bully and abuse their targets.

Also, they many use psycho/emotional methods to set the target up for physical violence or to get into trouble with authority. Remember that bullies have ways of slyly provoking the target and setting them up to look like the aggressor.

Additionally, bullies have ways of gaslighting you and making you doubt your own sanity. They have a knack for manipulating your emotions and making you feel guilty for things you aren’t guilty of. These people also have ways of brainwashing you over time and turning you against yourself. They know how to make you feel as if you did something to justify their mistreatment and abuse.

And sadly, once they do, you won’t know how to save yourself from those who accuse you of perpetuating the bullying, label you, and penalize you unjustly. You’ll have difficulty identifying and naming the tactics bullies are using against you. Therefore, you won’t know how to explain what is happening to you or report the bullying without sounding like you’re rambling.

And worst, your bullies and the circumstances they force on you will convince you and those in power that you are the culprit. If you happen to be the person who witnesses someone else being bullied, you’re likely to point a finger at the wrong person.

Therefore, if you want to know who the real target of bullying is,

ask yourself who has the least power.

Ask yourself who has the least social capital.

Other questions you should ask are as follows:

Who has the least influence?

Who has the least friends?

Which of these individuals is liked or loved the least.

Which of these people is most hated.

Ask yourself which person people can openly abuse and get away with it.

Once you know the answers to these questions, the answer will be crystal clear.

 

With knowledge comes empowerment!