As of May 31, 2022, WordPress has taken away my ability to follow new blogs nor like new posts. And they’ve done it for reasons that are unjust.
However, I do have a plan B. I can put you in my blog roll and keep up with your posts this way. It’s the next best thing to following. Know that I do appreciate new follows and if I could, I’d follow you in a heartbeat! God bless you all!
(Continued from Part 1 last month)
Your boundaries and standards are the invisible fortresses surrounding you with protection. They keep you safe from harm. When you set boundaries, it means that you don’t allow others to take advantage of you. It also means that you refuse to be a pushover and won’t let other people make you do things that aren’t in line with your goals, values, morals, or convictions. In short, you don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.
And it requires that you call out anyone who tries to stick so much as one knee, one foot, or one toe over those boundaries. You’re assertive but not overly aggressive. You’re strong but not overbearing. When you say no, you mean it, and you say it without feeling guilty over not saying yes. And when you do say yes to others, you can do it without saying no to yourself.
Sadly, it can be hard to set boundaries and standards, especially when dealing with overly-aggressive bullies who have anger issues. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves any way we can- even if it means we must appease these people to ensure our safety.
Many targets have zero boundaries and feel that to keep from being bullied worse than they already do, they must always bend over backward to make sure the people around them feel comfortable and at ease, which is wrong and a horrible way to live!
And sadly, that only works temporarily because bullies and abusers always come back for more.
Many targets don’t feel strong enough to keep invaders out of their bubble. And it’s because of this that they feel guilty and like failures when they’re unable to enforce their boundaries and standards. Targets also feel as if they’ve let themselves down, and, let me tell ya! It’s the worst feeling in the world.
I want you to understand that, no matter what others may tell you or how they may act, it’s okay to refuse their mistreatment and disrespect. It’s okay to say no to bullying by those who insist they have the right to cross your boundaries and invade your space physically, socially, psychologically, or spiritually. Know that you deserve a seat at the table of life, not one in the corner.
Setting boundaries and standards is not having an“attitude.” It’s your right! It would be best if you accepted that any limitations you put in place will get a ton of resistance. So, take this as a given! And again, look at it this way. The resistance you will get will be a sign of who your real friends aren’t.
Resistance is soooo telling! It can help you find out who’s really for your good and who isn’t.
It’s never good to be a yes-person, nor is it smart. Caring about others is great but caring too much is unhealthy. Boundaries and standards are needed because, without them, you subject yourself to living your life on autopilot- you’re a car without a steering wheel- a ship without a rudder!
But with them, you have a rudder, and you can chart your life’s course. The winds and currents may change, and the waters get rough, and you may indeed go off course, but you’ll still have some degree of direction. In setting boundaries and standards, you’re not completely powerless over what happens to you. You have some say over your destiny.
That’s why it’s so crucial that you stand in your power and speak your truth. Never dumb yourself down and make yourself less than the awesome person you are. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve.
Put yourself first instead of everyone else before you. Stop being a people pleaser. Stop putting your wants and needs on the back burner to keep others satisfied. It would be best if you practice self-love and self-care.
Accept that people won’t handle it well and be willing to let them go because they don’t deserve a seat at your table. And once you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much better life gets and how many people of integrity and sound quality come into your life. And I can say this from experience.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus
Many times, when we set boundaries and refuse to lower our standards, we’re accused of having “an attitude.” Lord only knows how many times I got that response when I either said no to something I didn’t like or refused to be manipulated or to take abuse. Therefore, it’s better to accept, even embrace, the reality that others will see you as doing just that- having an attitude when you stand on your principles.
Toxic teachers will assume that you’re insubordinate. Abusive managers and supervisors will think you’re not a team player, and bullying peers will see you as a ‘difficult’ person to be around, and that’s only a very mild version of what they may call you.
Understand that anytime we enforce our boundaries and standards, we become threats to abusers. We expose the manipulative people in our lives through the limits we set and see them more clearly. Why? Because we force them to tell off on themselves through their very reactions toward us.
Through having boundaries and standards, we can better tell the difference between real friends and fake ones. We can better see which people are truly for us and value our friendship and which ones are only in our lives because they want something from us.
Like all abusers, bullies feel entitled to devalue you and expect you to “just go with the flow” and not object to it. With these types of people, your healthy boundaries and standards are an insult to them. Why? Because they don’t recognize limits.
In their minds, anything goes, and the world and everything in it is one big free-for-all. In other words, any rules, laws, or limits don’t apply to them.
Bullies and frenemies believe they should have carte blanche to treat you any way they choose. They get super offended when you get enough of their abuse and finally have the courage to put your foot down. Accept that you will lose people you think are friends when you establish boundaries and standards. And they will often be the people you’d never expect.
But realize that these peoples’ condescension and dismissal are only proof of their discomfort and their only recourse. Bullies can’t handle an assertive person of incredible strength because they can never meet them on their level.
Also, understand that you cannot grow, be safe, or be free if you don’t set boundaries, and in many cases, people go out of their way to prevent targets of bullying and abuse from imposing any limits. It seems that boundaries and standards are okay for anyone else but strictly prohibited for targets.
But realize that you cannot continue to live your life as a doormat. Therefore, you must dig deep and pull out the courage to establish your boundaries, which include,
Physical boundaries
Psychological boundaries
Time boundaries
No entry sign with barrier tape
Material boundaries
Intellectual boundaries
You are a flesh-and-blood human being who has rights! And sometimes, you must “cop an attitude” to defend those rights and enforce your boundaries from relentless bullies and other fakers who won’t take no from an answer and continue to violate them.
When you set firm boundaries and standards and enforce them, you protect your physical well-being, emotional health, self-esteem, and identity from anyone who seeks to destroy them. You make yourself an individual human being who asserts your right to make your own choices and decisions.
(Continued in Part 2 Next month)
Everyone has fake friends- people who only pretend to like them but secretly wish them harm and bad luck. And often, these people want to be right up under us now, only to end up betraying us later.
But if they hate us so much, why do they continue to stay around?
Here are a few reasons:
1. To watch us closely. You may not realize it, but these people have a strategy and do this deliberately to achieve their own evil ends. They stick around to study your movements and patterns. They want to learn your routine so that they can better predict any reactions and what your next move is likely to be.
Understand that to learn an enemy’s patterns is to collect intel on them that can be weaponized later.
2. To win your trust. They know that if you let down your guard and trust them, the more likely you are to let them in on your problems and deepest, darkest secrets. Also, when you trust someone, you’re more likely to feel more comfortable making simple, human mistakes and showing your less than desirable emotions around them because, if the person is a friend, they’re least likely to judge you.
But! If they’re fake, you only unwittingly give them fodder and ammunition to use against you later.
3. To watch you fail. Everyone experiences failure at some point. And your fake friends want nothing more than to be around to see it when you do fail at something. They can then smile inside and get the satisfaction and gratification they’ve been looking for.
4. They want to know your desires, plans, goals, and dreams. Because if they know what they are, they know where to sabotage you and gain a sense of power over your life.
Understand that any time you’re bullied, it isn’t so much the bullies who are the most harmful to you. It’s the betrayal of those you thought were your friends. That’s what hurts the most and can be so devastating.
And what makes this so crushing is the knowing the person duped you into handing over your trust. You not only feel violated, you feel stupid for ever allowing the person into your life, to begin with.
It’s the worst feeling in the world- knowing that you were hurt partially because, willingly or not, you allowed it to happen.
So, how do you weed these fakes out before they get the chance to betray you?
Here’s how:
1. Be yourself. When you are your true, authentic self, you only naturally drive away people who don’t need to be in your life in the first place. This is a good thing because these people would only harm you later.
Better to rid yourself of them now rather than to wait until you establish a connection and get close to them. Because once you’re close to someone, you naturally give them the benefit of a doubt and it’s much harder to believe they would ever hurt you and even more difficult to have the courage to show them the nearest exit. Better to weed them out now and save yourself that heartache.
2. Voice your opinions. This is more important to do today, more than ever! Because most people nowadays tend to get abusive and bent out of shape when they find out that you don’t have the same opinions, beliefs or convictions as they do.
So, do you want people around you who don’t respect your rights to be a separate individual with an independent mind? I would hope you wouldn’t.
Understand that we should always respect the opinions of others, even though we don’t always agree with them. However, many don’t live by that virtue these days. And when people resort to ad hominem when you don’t agree with their views, they only reveal their own evil intolerance.
Realize that when you’re authentic, you force people to reveal their true natures and tell you all you need to know about them.
And this is how you weed out all the frauds and attract the people who truly value you and who deserve the privilege of being in your life!
Always remember that!
At different times in my life, I have either met, or been around certain people whom my inner alarm tried to warn me about. I cannot explain the feeling I got. The only way I can describe this gut feeling is to say that something seemed to be “off” about these people and I would get a sinking, creepy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could literally feel the bad vibes that seemed to pour fourth from these people.
When I was young, I would often mistake this feeling for “just being paranoid” and ignore the feeling, which is something that a whopping majority of bully victims do. And it proved to be to my disappointment…every time! I have since learned that had I listened to my gut and avoided these people, I could have saved myself a truckload of heartache.
God gave us all that “sixth sense” or as it is more commonly called, the “gut feeling” or “instinct”, for a reason. Anytime you get a bad feeling in your gut about someone, you are not being paranoid, you are not over-reacting. You are picking up on a person’s energy. As a result, your inner alarm is trying to warn you about the person or situation and keep you safe. Here are a couple of excerpts from my book, “From Victim to Victor” that explains this even further:
“…My gut feeling warned me many times about my classmate’s personalities or that someone was about to harm me in some way, shape or form. I did not listen to my innate alarm because the faith in my own intuitive abilities had been shattered. As a result, I often mistook it for being overly suspicious.
Another example of poor decision making was that I became a very MEAN and VICIOUS person. As a result, I often repelled the people who had my best interests at heart, who were genuine and would have otherwise been true friends. I missed out on a lot of opportunities for friendship because I had very quickly come to a place where I did not trust anyone.
It was much safer to put up a barrier and keep everyone, including my own family out than it was to take risks and learn how to trust the right people.
Being bullied and being stuck with unnecessary labels can very easily do this to a person. It cannot only cause you not to believe in yourself and your own abilities, but it can also enable you to trust your own innate intuition if you let it. It blinds you to people who are true as it completely zaps your senses of who is for real and who is fake, thus causing the loss of your ability to avoid dangerous people.”
“…You are not stupid. It is not only in your imagination. You are not being overly sensitive. You are not being a wimp, wuss, crybaby, crazy or whatever else unsavory people call you. You always know when something does not feel good. You can see it in the way certain people cut their eyes at you and talk through their teeth. You can hear the short and cold tone in their voices. You can feel, deep down in your gut, the nasty vibes they exude. This is why you should always listen to your gut feeling because it is never wrong. Eighty-six those people pronto!”
Please don’t ignore this instinct. Never overlook that sinking feeling in your stomach because it could save you from so much trouble. It could even save your life!
Realize that you have more power than you think. It’s up to you to listen to what your gut is trying to tell you and act on it. No one else can do it for you. You owe it to yourself to avoid anyone who gives you a creepy vibe.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Guys, this is despicable! The target’s classmates have put a special needs middle school girl and a few other targets at the school on a hit list. What’s even worse is that the bullies’ adult parents and other family members are calling this child’s phone and leaving threatening messages on her phone late at night and in the wee hours of the morning. Still, the school board acts like it’s a big joke. My heart goes out to this young lady and her family. May God form a hedge of protection around them and keep them safe. Watch below:
One thing that few of us think about is that we each are the sum of the types of people we spend the most time with. In other words, if the people you spend most of your time with are negative, then negative is what you become.
On the other hand, the opposite is true also. If you spend most of your time with people who are positive and uplifting, then you will feel and be the same.
Likewise, when a target is surrounded by bullies eight hours per day, whether it be at school or work, this takes up most of his day. It’s even worse if the target has negative family members at home. Therefore, he spends most of his day with bullies which will, over time, turn him into a negative person if he isn’t careful.
So, if you’re the only positive person in the room, you’re in the wrong place! If you’re around people who drain you and make you feel bad, you must find a way to fix it without hanging around and trying to fix them.
Realize that each person has a mind of his/her own and to try and “fix” them is a waste of your time and energy. It’s up to the other person to improve themselves and they must be the one to do that. Moreover, you wouldn’t want that responsibility. Understand that any internal fixing is their job, not yours.
You can only fix things by removing yourself from their company.
You always know when you’re with the wrong people because you will immediately sense that something is off anytime you’re around such negative folks. You will feel exhausted just being around them because it will be as if they’re sucking the oxygen out of the room. You’ll feel yucky because they’re killing your good vibes. Therefore, you must get out of there… fast!
Don’t stifle your own peace, happiness, and, most of all, growth by continuing to hang around. Make it your goal to get out of that environment!
Take the steps needed to find a pleasant environment filled with people who are either just as or more positive than you. Then soak up their uplifting personalities, dispositions, and vibes. In doing this, you allow yourself to grow and continue to move toward self-betterment.
Realize that people can only meet you from the place they’re at. In other words, if the person is negative, they can only meet you from a negative place. And if your places contradict, it can only cause division and conflict. Therefore, you must go where you get the most positivity and that also means choosing your friends wisely.
And once you do, you’ll be glad you did!
With knowledge comes empowerment!
I hope you all have been enjoying the Springtime. I’ve been taking a long hiatus from blogging due to exhaustion and recovering from health issues. However, I plan to begin posting again starting next week. I won’t post nearly as often as I did in the past, maybe once per month on average. Know that you all have been on my mind and I appreciate each and every one of you. And, as you can see, I’ve finally gone self-hosted and I couldn’t be happier about it!
Have a wonderful rest of this week! ‘See you next week!
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”
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“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
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“Silence make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying, but the never needing to say that counts.”
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“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.”
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“Words are easy, like the wind; faithful friends are hard to find.”
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“If you have two friends in your lifetime, you’re lucky. If you have one good friend, you’re more than lucky.”
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“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”
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“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.”
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