Month: June 2020

A Letter to My Bullies: You Were Lessons, Not Blessings

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Much to your chagrin, I’m no longer the naive girl of yesterday, but the wise woman of today. And the beauty of getting older is the wisdom you store up and the realization that you’re perfect just the way you are and always have been. Also, you realize that you never needed certain people in the first place and that certain people don’t belong in your life. You, OHS class of 90, except for two- two people, are “certain people.”

Another great thing about getting older is that you become completely secure in yourself and comfortable in your own skin. You can speak your mind no matter who sees and hears it because you could give less than a damn what others think.

Who are you, anyway? Who are any of you? I’m the only one who can decide who I am. I’m the only one who has that kind of power.

So many people tell me things, and it is people you’d never expect. ‘You know? Those who tell you stories of people you could care less about and regardless of whether you want to hear them? Yeah, those types. Believe it or not, some of them are people you think are your friends.

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Oh, yeah! They stop me in places like the supermarket and the gas station, or when I’m passing through. They tell me that many of you keep up with my social media posts and read my blog regularly. Yep. I know all about it.

So, I don’t doubt that you’ll read this blog post too, so I’m writing this to help you indulge yourselves. Because you only expose yourselves and your obsession.

To be real, I could care less about what or how any of you are doing. Because you were only people, God was teaching me to look out for. You were lessons, not blessings. And the things I take away from having the displeasure of even knowing you are these:

  1. That if I can survive your obsessive bullying and mobbing for six long years, then I can survive anything. Oh, yes! You most certainly showed me my own strength, resilience, and determination.
  2. You showed me the type of people I don’t want in my life, and who aren’t good enough to be in it.
  3. You gave me a much better appreciation for the real friends I have today.
  4. You gave me a thick skin and a fighting spirit.
  5. You gave me clarity- clarity of what I want and what I will and will not tolerate in my life.
  6. You gave me the confidence that when hard times come, they will eventually pass me by, and things will get much better.
  7. You gave me the drive and determination to have what I want out of life and the motivation to work hard and keep going after it until I get it- the commitment to reach success and live my dreams.
  8. You gave me the desire not only to learn and improve my knowledge of bullying and the psychology of predatory behavior but to use what you tried to do to me to protect other innocents from people like you.
  9. You also gave me the ability to spot a liar and faker a mile away in the dark! It’s funny how dealing with the likes of you can give one the ability to point out other liars and fakes without ever meeting them.

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I survived because my determination to remain standing superseded your desperation to tear me down. I survived because the fire inside me burned hotter and brighter than the fire you ignited around my feet.

My efforts to reach happiness and success outmatched your efforts to keep me miserable and in failure. And my strength to keep going was much bigger than the force you expended to stop me. I prevailed against odds that would’ve proved overwhelming for the likes of you.

I graduated because I kept pushing myself and went on living through enormous threats and circumstances under which you wusses would’ve dropped out.  And the thing is, most people would’ve hated you. But I don’t. ‘You know why?

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Because hate is a waste of energy, and I’d rather spend my energy focusing on my goals. I’m too busy working on me and pursuing my own agenda than to hate on anyone. I make it about me. That’s right, class, all about me, my family, and my goals.

(Continued in Part 2…)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry? For What?

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I don’t apologize for being who I am. I’m just the way God made me.

I’m not sorry for being a woman, being of my race, having brown hair nor brown eyes. For those are the things that make me me. And I’m happy and secure with it.

I don’t apologize for being a Christian nor for holding certain values- for valuing God and family. For those are the things I hold dear.

I also refuse to be sorry for wrongdoings committed by others. I cannot control the actions of others nor should I be expected to pay for their sins. That is between them and God and they’ll be judged for it one day.

I’m not responsible for any sins other than my own.

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Too many people self-loathe and feel guilty for things they haven’t done, which only strips away their happiness and peace of mind. And if you allow others to heap false guilt on your head unjustly, what do you think they will do next?

Take charge of your happiness and your life. And know that anyone who tries to force you to feel something you shouldn’t feel or do something that is either degrading to you or that you don’t want to do, you should have no more to do with them.

Continue to love yourself. Apologize only for what you’re guilty of and to the person you transgressed against. And if that person doesn’t accept your apology, that’s on them and you should love yourself enough to get on with it.

 

Bullying and Toxic Shame

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Bullies ritually beat their victims down to the point that the poor targets have come to view themselves through the eyes of their bullies. Toxic shame is, perhaps, the worst type of shame a person can have. Because once you begin to view yourself through the eyes of your abusers, that’s when you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

Their contempt, disgust, and aversion toward you have rubbed off on you, and you began to hate yourself. But I want you to understand that this is what your bullies want. They want you to hate yourself. Because the bullies know that if they can work on you and finally get you to hate yourself, they know they’ve won.

Your bullies aren’t stupid. They know that you’ll submit to the abuse because when a person hates themselves, they think they deserve abuse.

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When a target of bullying suffers from toxic shame, they accuse themselves of sins of which they aren’t guilty. They apologize incessantly over things that aren’t their fault. Ultimately, targets feel guilty for merely existing!

Toxic shame causes one to lose trust in himself and their decisions and judgments, and become afraid to make them. Ultimately, it makes for a miserable life.

The points mentioned above are why we must guard our self-esteem and confidence. But before we can do that, we must educate ourselves on where bullying comes from, the mindsets of bullies, how to spot them before they strike, ways for targets to minimize the effects of bullying, and the damage bullying can do. Only then will we have the knowledge to empower, protect, and take care of ourselves.

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This is what this blog is all about, and it’s my wish that targets and potential targets learn these things to defend themselves. Because if we can reduce the number of victims, we can then reduce bullying.

 

A Survivor’s Message

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Many bullied kids (and adults) are committing suicide. This should hit home with many people because the suicide rate among bullied kids and teens is astronomical! It certainly hits home with me because I attempted suicide at age fourteen after having been bullied for several years.

Therefore, I wrote, “From Victim to Victor: A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying,” to tell my story and to give encouragement to today’s youth. I survived, and things got much better once I left that toxic learning environment I was bullied in.

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I want the bullied children and teens of today to know these truths:

  1. They can overcome and move on to a better life.
  2. School is only one chapter of their lives, not the entire book.
  3. There are better ways to handle bullying other than taking your own life.
  4. They must love themselves and be themselves regardless of what others think.
  5. They are just as good as anyone else, regardless of what they’re told.
  6. They can do anything they put their minds to if they believe in themselves.
  7. They must educate themselves about bullies, their mindsets, their tactics, and the damage they can do.
  8. They must recognize the beginning symptoms of low self-esteem and find ways to fight it.
  9. They must realize that if bullies take their confidence, then bullies can alter the course of their lives.
  10. They have more power than they know.
  11. Confidence is the key to a better and more rewarding life.

Care home ‘bullied worker with coronavirus to return to work at home where five patients died’ — Metro

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This is inexcuseable! A home health worker infected with Coronavirus is bullied into returning to work where others died! Who does this???

Tatianna Dancy says she was pressured into returning to work despite testing positive for Covid-19, which has killed five residents of her care home

via Care home ‘bullied worker with coronavirus to return to work at home where five patients died’ — Metro

The Odd Girl Out (Is The It-Girl Now)

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By Cherie White

(verse)

Remember when you used to laugh at her

Because she didn’t have any friends

Remember how everyone trashed her

Back in school, she wasn’t cool like the rest of them

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‘Tried to break her down with glee in your eye

It used to be fun to make her cry

Now you’re chokin’ on the names you called

Because you know, now they don’t phase her at all

 

(Chorus)

Because the odd girl out is the it-girl now

She’s the movie star you watch on the silver screen

The odd girl out is the it-girl now

Don’t you feel so stupid for being so mean

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(Verse 2)

She walked around with a target on her back

And eyes in the back of her head

A broken heart and shattered soul

Downtrodden, beatdown and left in the cold

 

It used to feel good to keep her down

She used to be everybody’s clown

You slandered her name all over town

‘Used to be nobody wanted her around

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(Chorus 2)

But the odd girl out is the it-girl now

She left this pitiful town for big and better things

The odd girl out is the it-girl now

‘Feel your jealousy burn, yeah man it stings

 

(Bridge)

You never thought she’d ever get so far

Oh, but how could you have known

She’d show you up and reach her star

Who’s laughing now?

(Repeat Chorus 1 and 2)

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Yeah, yeah, watch her go she’s the it-girl now!

Yeah, yeah, see her shine she’s the it-girl now!

Yeah, yeah, it’s a poke in your eye she’s the it-girl now!

Yeah, yeah, and you don’t know why she’s the it-girl now!

 

It’s a poke in your eye, and you don’t know why she’s the it-girl now!

 

Will I Attend My 30th High School Reunion?

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If you’ve read my blog for long enough, I’m sure you can already guess the answer to that question. “Why not?” you may ask?

There are several reasons:

  1. I’d be a fool if I ever trusted them again. And I’d be a damn fool to put myself into a situation where I’d either get sucked into any petty drama or worse- hurt! And if they expect any trust from me, it’s too late. They should’ve have earned it by acting better.

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  1. Most of my classmates haven’t changed a bit since high school. Many are still the same drama-filled buffoons they were in high school. Only they’ve gotten older and less attractive over the years. They’ve gone from being obnoxious and self-absorbed punks to being angry and bitter mid-lifers who are resentful and crotchety because their lives didn’t turn out like they had thought. And they wouldn’t think twice about causing harm if it meant they could relive the glory days of high school.

 

  1. Also, at high school reunions, people tend to regress into kids again. This little gathering would only be an opportunity for most of the classmates to compare themselves and their lives with one another.
Text sign showing Learn To Say No. Conceptual photo decline or refuse few things before you destroy yourself Woman wear formal work suit presenting presentation using smart device.

Text sign showing Learn To Say No. Business photo text decline or refuse few things before you destroy yourself Woman wear formal work suit presenting presentation using smart device

  1. Most of them will probably be drinking excessively, which, at our age, equals unattractive, obnoxious, and stupid. And it also means a higher intolerance of liquor than the good old days and being hungover and puking the next day. No, thank you! ‘Not my scene!

 

  1. The reunion would, more than likely, be nothing more than a circus of posturing, showboating, and one upmanship, where all the women would only talk about who’s gotten fat, who’s got the most wrinkles, and who’s had facelifts, tummy tucks, and boob-jobs. The men would probably only brag about who’s made the most money, who has the most sex, and who can still achieve an erection. And I have no time to listen to a bunch of drunken, and middle-aged adults compare bank accounts, waist measurements, or penis sizes.

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  1. I forgive my classmates, yes. But it doesn’t mean I desire to play footsie with any of them. Again, many of them will probably be getting sloppy drunk and puking their guts out around a huge bonfire, and they will probably talk about the same boring crap over and over again. And I’ve got better things to do.

 

So, with that said, anytime you don’t feel safe going to a particular function, trust your instincts and don’t go!

If anyone tries to talk you into going to a gathering of any kind and you know specific people are going to be there- particularly people who’ve brought you drama and those you wouldn’t trust to shovel manure, there’s nothing wrong with rejecting the invite.

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Self-care is of the utmost importance. And if going to any function means that you must be around people who’ve given you no reason to trust them, then you have not only a right, but an obligation to yourself not to go!

And if they get offended or angry with you for declining, all the more reason you shouldn’t go! Remember that your safety and peace of mind comes first!

 

Cyberbully the movie — healthy international students blog

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https://youtube.com/watch?v=fk_YSO0py7s%3Fversion%3D3%26rel%3D1%26fs%3D1%26autohide%3D2%26showsearch%3D0%26showinfo%3D1%26iv_load_policy%3D1%26wmode%3Dtransparent

In our everyday lives at work and at school we are bullied a lot. People are bullied for all kinds of reasons whether it is a disability or looks or some other reason. We watched Cyberbully on Youtube as this movie is a VHS movie. It stars Emily Osment as a 17 year old girl […]

via Cyberbully the movie — healthy international students blog

When the Bullied React

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After people have targeted a person, they react sooner or later. Some targets react negatively by turning the rage inward and lashing out at others. I did that once upon a time, and I hate to have to admit that.

There are, however, exceptions! Several react positively- they may become advocates against bullying and for people who are targets of such mistreatment, which is a great thing. Others focus more on their life goals. Because they had positive influences in their lives, or they chose to be their own positive influence, which buffered their self-esteem from the blows in so many ways from the psycho/emotional effects of bullying.

Still, so many others often retreat within themselves, and it happens when others force them to feel as if their feelings don’t matter. These people often realize that no one will believe them if they talk about it. These are ones who suffer in silence while trying to process what’s happening to them and why.

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They stuff it down because they don’t want to feel the pain and negative emotions that come with being a target of bullying.

They feel that if they cry about it, they’re losing control.

They also feel that if they’re quiet about it, the bullying will magically go away.

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But these three things couldn’t be further from the truth! When we feel the pain and cry, we’re releasing all those pinned up, toxic emotions, and we feel so much better afterward. And being quiet about anything won’t make it go away, but is only why toxic emotions build up in the first place.

And you can’t continue to carry all that baggage forever. Sooner or later, you’ll need to unpack all that crap and put it away!

For me, it took a lot of therapy, journaling, and working on myself to survive it, but I’m so glad I put in the work. It takes much grit and determination to withstand any form of abuse.

Still, anytime I see a kid who’s shy and withdrawn, the first question that pops into my mind is, “Is this person a target of bullying?” And I say a little prayer for them!