Greetings, everyone. Many people are under the misguided impression that bullying stops once we toss our graduation caps high into the air and began navigating the “real world”.

Not so. Sadly, most bullies do not stop bullying others once they are out of school. They grow to be bigger bullies, yet less obvious. I’ll use an experience I had about two years post high school as an example:

After having moved about fifty miles away, I would often drive into town, on the weekends to visit family, whom still resided there. I was eight months pregnant with my second child and my toddler, who had just turned two earlier that month, would always accompany me. Because my due date was drawing near, this would be the last trip I would make before the baby came. I was already taking a huge risk as it was, with delivery being only a few weeks away. I had watched Rescue 911 the night before and remembered the episode in which a woman had gone into full-blown labor while driving and ended up delivering her baby in the car with the aid of a police officer. How I prayed that wouldn’t be ME!

I visited my grandmother. During the visit, Grandma and I decided to have a good dinner but needed a few ingredients. So, I took my purse and my two-year-old son and drove to the grocery store.

Once we arrived at the supermarket, I sat my son in the child seat in the shopping cart and made my way down each aisle, in search of the items we needed for our meal and marking them off on my shopping list. Then I turned a corner and almost ran into whom were three girls whom had tormented me during school…the last three people I ever wanted to see.

They stopped dead, looking at me as their eyes narrowed into tiny slits, revealing very hostile facial expressions. As they all leered at me, I noticed fist clinching and feet wide apart. Their faces seemed frozen and their eyes dropped and seemed to settle on my bulging abdomen. Being heavily pregnant, the last thing I wanted was drama.

“What are YOU doing back here?” One of the women asked hatefully.
“…and having a baby so soon after your first?” The second she-bully asked, raising her voice, “Boy you must love being pregnant!”

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked… and intimidated because I didn’t know what they were going to do next. Because my son was hearing every word, I turned around and walked the other direction, hearing them shout behind me, “Yeah, that’s what we THOUGHT, you pregnant SLUT! You’ll probably have six kids, divorces and living on FOOD STAMPS before it’s over! That’s all you’re good for! And that kid won’t ever amount to anything either!”

Bewildered was what I was. Weren’t we supposed to be adults? Weren’t we supposed to be out of high school? I didn’t dignify any of it with a response. I just went to the checkout line to pay for my groceries.

Once I arrived at my car, I sat my son in his safety seat, then loaded the groceries while noticing the same three women walking right past, making it a point to get too close.

“I’ll bet you’re a lousy mother! People like you shouldn’t be allowed to even HAVE children!” were their last words.

Now this was a unique case. Most adult bullies are not that obvious. However, there are a few who are very overt, just like the women in the grocery store and overt bullies are only open with their assaults because they have absolutely zero fear of consequences.

If you have an adult bully on your tail, know that they basically use the same tactics as high school bullies, they are just better at going undetected than teenage bullies. Know that you still must hold on to the belief that you are better than what they tell you. Know that the issue and the guilt is always on their (the bullies’)shoulders, not yours. And know that in most cases, people of this caliber never get far. I say this because the three women who bullied me that day in the parking lot ended up in very bad situations. One has since passed away and the other two are horribly addicted to drugs…situations that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

There will always be people who will unjustly hate you. That’s life. But you don’t have to let their hatred define who you are or affect your life. You are still awesome in your own right and you are so worth fighting for!

Shelly(not her real name) had been one of my most vicious of bullies during school. Every time we passed one another in the halls, at a ballgame, anywhere and we would not hesitate to exchange nasty sentiments as we passed, “Bitch!”, “Whore!”, “Skank!”. Thinking up ways to degrade and slut-shame each other was always top priority during these little meetings.

Fast-forward twenty years, in late 2007, I went to a karaoke show, which was held in the Moose Lodge club on the outskirts of town to celebrate my recently having the courage to break off what had been a 2 1/2 year long abusive relationship. I truly had not known my own strength until this point and I was ready for a fun girl’s night out.

When I arrived at the Moose Lodge with a few friends in tow, the first word I heard was, “Oh my God! Not that bitch!” Honestly, I thought the verbal assault was directed at someone else until I looked up and saw her. There Shelly stood, pool cue in one hand, the other hand resting on her boyfriend’s back as her eyes and brows narrowed into little slits in her face and bore into me like a sharp object. I had not seen her in so many years and wondered how it was that she’d managed to drag around so much hate for so many years when I had completely forgotten about her amid juggling bills, a job and family and other adult priorities. It seemed that on her part, even twenty years, marriages and children hadn’t been enough to erase the teenage animosity she still held. We lived in a small Southern town and in small Southern towns, very few people ever forget the past and it’s very easy for the reputation you once had in your teens to follow you for the rest of your life. Sadly, this is how it is in a small town.

Having always loved music and had vocal talent, I got up and sang one of my favorite songs and everyone cheered once I was finished. After I sat down, Shelly sat down beside me and was very impressed with my performance. She told me that she admired my voice and that she’d always known I could sing but didn’t know I was that good. At first, I was flabbergasted. This was the first positive remark I’d heard from her but nevertheless, I was grateful. I smiled and gave her a gracious “Thank you. It’s good to see you again after all these years.”

We continued to talk and she took some pictures out of her purse to show me. Pictures of what was her talent- woodwork and paintings, the most beautiful work I’d ever seen. This lady was very talented and I couldn’t or wouldn’t deny it. I truly loved her work and could not stop looking at those pictures and complimenting her. She truly was and still is an expert at wood working and oil painting.

It was at that point that the dynamics of our relationship changed for the better. We exchanged phone numbers and soon began calling each other and texting cute little funnies back and forth. Then we began to invite each other to family outings, cookouts and meetings in town for lunch. Now, we are the greatest of friends and I truly love this lady. We often talk about how we missed out on what could have been a wonderful friendship years ago. But since the past cannot be changed, we are content to go from the present and make our friendship as fun and drama-free as possible.

The moral of this story is this: It is always possible to turn a bully or enemy into a friend. Nothing is impossible. All it takes is to break down that wall and show the other person genuine interest. Everybody loves it when you are interested in them, their likes, and how things are going in their lives. Even the coldest and meanest of people. As humans, we all have a certain degree of selfishness. We all want the same things- to be loved, appreciated and respected. Everybody also has a void, waiting to be filled and if we can fill the void- whether it’s by making the person feel loved and respected or giving the person some sense of who they are and where they belong, it can be the difference between gaining a friend or keeping an enemy.

Through our many talks, I found out that this poor young girl, whom I thought was so cruel, yet totally in control and didn’t need anyone was really a girl who didn’t feel loved by anyone. She was just as sad as I was but had put on a tough exterior. Also, she had suffered incidences of bullying herself, though not as severe as I did, it still hurt her immensely. Today, we continue to be friends and value each other almost like sisters.

By showing her genuine interest, without fakery, I was able to turn one of my worst bullies into one of my best friends!