Tag: self-preservation

self-preservation

Having and Setting Boundaries is a Must!

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Girl sitting on the ground and drawing personal space. Selective focus

You must have the courage to love yourself, even when it angers the people around you. That means setting boundaries, being clear on what you will and will not tolerate.

During grade 6, my first year at Oakley* Schools, I lacked boundaries because I didn’t know how to enforce them. Without those limits, I gave away my friendship, time, energy, and power to people who never deserved it and left nothing for myself. I was bending over backward to please others, treading lightly, being careful not to rock the boat, and make other people angry.

I had been conditioned to think that I wasn’t enough, and I should be anything other than myself. And I thought that being friendly, being accommodating, and being available would win me love and friendship.

boundaries no refuse stop

It didn’t. It got me the exact opposite- walked over, bullied, and mistaken for a fool because the people I was overly friendly to never extended the same to me in return. Without meaning to, I gave the impression that I was desperate to fit in.

A year or so later, during the seventh grade, I began setting boundaries because I was tired of being a doormat. However, first impressions are powerful and it was too late. The power dynamic and others’ expectations of me had already been set. What I should’ve done was drew the line from day one.

In junior high, although my boundaries were clear, many others violated them every chance they got for no other reason than to demonstrate their power and show who was boss. Anytime I said ‘no’ to any of my classmates at school, I would face retaliation of some kind- guilt trips, threats, or physical beatings because they had grown too used to me being a pushover.

They were afraid that if I developed a spine, the benefits they were getting at my expense would stop. Therefore, the retaliation was their way of reinforcing their power and dominance and keeping me subdued.

But now that we’re all adults, let any of them try that today, and they will be very disappointed. Back then, I often wondered why nothing ever seemed to work out.

Understand that timing is everything. Also realize that you already have power but for it to work, you must know how to use it and you must stand up for yourself the very first time bullies come for you. Otherwise, your place in the pecking order will become iron clad and once that happens, you might as well not have any power at all.

I didn’t realize it then, but during those early years in Oakley*, I was going about it all wrong. ‘You see? You must put yourself and your needs first. Never lower your standards or your boundaries! It’s okay to be kind, but never be nice!

say no saying no boundaries stop

The difference between being kind and being nice is that kindness is genuine. People are kind because it’s the right thing to do, not because it can win friendships or favors. Also, kind people never give at their own expense.

Nice people, on the other hand, want friendship and approval. Also, people who are nice give at their own peril and stick their neck out for others to step on, thinking others will come around when they realize how much they care. “Nicies” are under the impression that the more you suffer, the more it shows you care. Um- Wrong!

It gives the impression that you’re a pushover, a kiss butt, a boot-licker! Being nice never awards you any respect because there’s usually an ulterior motive and the reason for your niceness is to avoid conflict!

Being kind, on the other hand, is genuine and others can sense the genuineness. Being kind is much more respectful. Being ‘nice’ is for wimps.

Nope refuse

Understand that anytime you set boundaries, there will always be those who will hate you for it and retaliate. And they will fight you for a while to wear you down. That’s what bullies do!

However, stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.

So, always set limits and be prepared to fight to protect them. Be kind, yes! But if people start taking your kindness for being a fool and treating you like crap, don’t be afraid to tell these people to kiss off!

Being kind to others means being kind to yourself first.

*Not the real name of the town

Why Many Targets of Bullying Find it Necessary to Lie

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I’ve never told one lie in my entire life, and that’s no lie!

Ha! Shyeah, right!

Let’s face it, we’ve all told some big ones in our lives, myself included and yes, even you have. No one is perfect and there are many reasons why people lie- too many to list.

As we all know, bullies and abusers are notorious liars and they do it without even a shred of conscience. The scary thing about it is that they’re good at lying, and their talent for telling such convincing falsehoods is what makes them so dangerous. And why not, bullies and abusers have been telling fibs all their lives.

They’ve had so many years of practice, they’ve gotten deception down to a fine art. In other words, they’ve become masters at it!

We also know why bullies and abusers lie. They don’t only lie to cover their butts and conceal wrongdoings, imperfections, and shortcomings; but also, to discredit their victims, defame others, assassinate people’s character, and ruin their reputations and lives.

However, many targets of bullying also lie. But they lie for totally different reasons.

Targets of bullying don’t like having to tell falsehoods. In fact, they hate it! But they do out of fear and terror. They lie out of desperation. You see, a person who is under the threat of being harmed will do anything to remove that threat. And if they have to lie to save themselves, they’ll do it.

Many targets of bullying must tell lie after lie just to survive! Sadly, most people who are bullied feel like they must lie to protect themselves because they know that truth could get them hurt. Or they lie to make the bullying stop.

Sadly, lying becomes a survival method and, even worse, a terrible habit that’s hard to break.

I must confess that this was me years ago. During the years I was bullied, I felt I also had to lie to ensure my personal safety, and it sucked. A lot of my relationships suffered in the process, and I lost a lot of people.

After years of being bullied, I became a very sneaky and wile person. I used craftiness and cunning to get through a normal school day. I felt I had to use trickery and con games just to survive each day and I’m not proud to admit this today.

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: The people you feel you must lie to have power over you. They control your life. In other words, by lying, you make yourself a subject.

Here’s another thing you should remember:

People with any common sense can tell when they’re being played. And lies have a way of unraveling. Falsehoods are also hard to maintain, and you must tell another lie to cover up the first one. In other words, it’s a lot of work to maintain a lie.

Eventually, I came to realize these important facts. There finally came a time when I began to ask myself these questions:

“Who are these people that I should have to lie?”

 “Why must I work so hard to hide stuff instead of being myself and being free?”

“Who do I have anything to hide from?”

“Why should I give up my power to people who have no business having it?”

That’s when I got sick of it and said, “screw this!”

Lying is too much work and it’s stressful too. And it’s a shame that more don’t learn that lesson. I’m so glad that I now have the confidence to be honest without feeling the need to apologize for it.

Today, I know that I have nothing to hide from anyone, and that means I have nothing to lie about. If they can’t handle the truths of my reality, then screw them. They don’t pay my bills, nor do they sign my paychecks. They have no authority over me and no bearing on my life whatsoever.

And even if they did, I wouldn’t feel the need to lie to them about anything.

Being myself and standing in my truth allow me to relax and live in peace and harmony. There’s no need to scramble to cover up any lies and it’s the life I love and want to continue to live.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Either Put Yourself First, or You’ll Have Nothing Left for Yourself

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positive me time alone

Putting others first isn’t a bad thing. It shows that you care about your fellow man and that you’re willing to contribute some good to the world. It’s an outstanding character trait to have.

Many people have been conditioned, often by well-meaning parents, that the polite thing to do is to put others ahead of ourselves. That making sacrifices for others shows manners and that we’re “good people”- that we are well-mannered and have morals. Nothing wrong with it.

However, when that courtesy is overdone or done at your own expense, that’s when it becomes a bad thing. The problem is that people will come to expect you to be a yes-person and take their crap. You’ll soon attract users and abusers and become a doormat.

In taking this advice, many of us found out the hard way that giving too much of ourselves sometimes involved overlooking abuse. Even worse, we found that it didn’t make the mistreatment go away but only encouraged the person to abuse us later.

bullied victim walked on doormat

Growing up, I heard every excuse you can imagine.

“Oh, they’re just having a bad day.”

“Maybe they have an abusive or cheating spouse at home.”

“Oh, but you never know what that person is going through.” Blah-blah-b-blah.

A few adults in my family and a few teachers advised me to,

“Give them a break.”

“Cut so-and-so some slack.”

“Try to overlook him.”

“Oh, but try to put yourself in her shoes.”

“Be reasonable.”

bullied victim doormat

That got old very quickly. I eventually grew fed up and wanted to scream,
“Um- EXCUSE ME! I’ve been ‘reasonable,’ and the only thing I ever got from it is taken advantage of! Would you be reasonable if this happened to you?!”

The point is that no matter what anyone tells you, it’s okay to put yourself first. And no law or rule says you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior- from anyone! Ever!

Anytime you’re mistreated, then advised or forced to “be nice” or “understand what Joe Blow is going through,” it only means that, subconsciously, the givers of this advice either don’t care about your boundaries, or they’re afraid of making the offending person angrier, and of the situation escalating. Some people can’t handle conflict.

They are only trying to silence you to appease the person who’s being a total jackass.

bully bullies crybaby tantrum crazy

These kinds of advice and expectations can do one of either two things to you as you get older:

A. It can program you to be over tolerant of unacceptable and abusive behaviors and set you up for a life of getting bullied by other people.

You grow up being so afraid of pissing anyone off that you accept any abuse to avoid conflict. You end up living a life of being crapped on by others.

B. It can have the exact opposite effect and give you an “F-you” attitude and a bad case of The Don’t-Give-A-Shits.

Because of being forced to accept bad behavior in the past, you become a mean, bitter, and apathetic adult and could care less about anyone. That’s not good either.

I’m one of the lucky ones. It gave me an equal blend of both. I believe in treating others how I’d want them to treat me and don’t mind lending a helping hand to someone who needs it.

positive self-care you can't pour from an empty cup you first

But if for one moment, I suspect that someone is taking my kindness for being a fool, I’ll drop that person like a bad habit and they’re on their own!

It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to put others before you, but only in particular circumstances.

For example:

It’s perfectly fine to give an older adult your chair in a crowded doctor’s office.

It’s okay to get up and offer your seat to a combat soldier in a crowded airport.

In fact, it’s called having respect for elders and servicemen and women who fight for your country.

But never take abuse nor accept excuses for unacceptable behavior. Anytime someone crosses a line with you, go ahead. Respond in kind. Give it back to them because only then will the person realize that you aren’t a doormat and find someone else to abuse.

This is not selfish or being self-centered. It’s called self-preservation.

You Don’t Need to Explain Yourself to a Bully

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Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. The only reason they blame you for something and try to bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. The psychological payoffs, being satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

While you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince the bully that you aren’t guilty of whatever it is that they’re accusing you or attacking you for, the bullies are mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the backs over how easily they’ve got you to react, how easily they can scare you and make you nervous, and get you all up in arms. Some things don’t need an explanation.

Here are more reasons why you shouldn’t explain yourself to a bully:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that bullies only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Any facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong. Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, deep inside, they already know you’re innocent.

They are fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression. Realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react and give them that rush of power that you’ve been giving them all along and that they crave and can’t seem to get enough of.

Even when you produce evidence to prove your point, you must work to gather that evidence.

Just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself is enough to give them the thrills they’re looking for.

So, instead of letting them bait you into a defense, you should be asking yourself,

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to these jackholes? They don’t pay my bills!”

Understand that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death and not began rattling off an excuse in nervousness, hoping that a reasonable explanation will make the harassment go away. But trust me, it won’t!

It certainly didn’t make things better for me. If anything, it only got worse because my reaction only made me look like an easy target.

But once I realized what they were doing, I began to get bored with them and walk away because their games no longer affected me. The same will be for you too, and you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails, and they’ll finally leave you alone.

With knowledge comes empowerment.

Be Kind to Others, Yet Remain True to Yourself and Your Needs

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Yes! You can do both at the same time, but few people know where this healthy balance lies. May people are under the impression that kindness is weakness, which means that they believe that it’s a zero-sum game. They assume that you cannot be kind to others and yourself at the same time. I’m here to debunk this assumption.

Although it’s true when it goes to extremes, a healthy balance of kindness is a virtue! It’s all about keeping in that happy middle.

First, let me discuss the imbalances and extremes here:

1. Too kind or “nice.” When the niceness goes to extremes- when you’re “too nice” and let others use and walk on you, you set yourself up to be a doormat and that’s never good. A person who’s too nice is often so because they seek approval from others. So, they say yes to everything- even things they’d rather say no to. This isn’t healthy and it only attracts bullies and others who will only use and abuse you.

 2. Not kind at all- a jerk or worse, a bully. Because you’ve been hurt one too many times, you no longer care about the feelings of other people, and you treat others like crap and use them to achieve your own agenda. If you go this route, you’ll only miss opportunities to make good friends and improve your relationships with your family. You’ll always be lonely because no one wants to be around a jerk and everyone despises a bully.

The trick is to extend kindness to others and reserve your jerky side for only those who use, abuse, and disrespect you. Say no if someone asks or demands that you do something you don’t want to do. Refuse to get sucked into drama.

Extend to the janitor the same respect you give to the CEO. Treat the poor and homeless with dignity. Befriend the kid who has no friends at school. Be kind to the combat veteran with severe PTSD and who everyone thinks is crazy. Give your seat to the elderly woman using a walker. Be kind to those who are powerless and cannot do anything for you. For that’s the real test of character.

Stand up for yourself when arrogant bullies attack you and don’t back down. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, just like the next person. Command the same well-treatment that everyone else has a right to.

Don’t be too nice, but don’t be an unfeeling jerk either. And, for the love of Pete, never be a bully! Know that there’s a happy middle and stay in it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Sometimes Self-Care Means Making Heartbreaking Decisions

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Once you choose not to be a target anymore, you must realize that you may have to make very tough, even heartbreaking decisions. You will more than likely have to weed certain people out of your life for good, and sadly, some of those people may even be people you love very much.

You can still love them, ‘nothing wrong with it. However, as much as you may love them, they are not always healthy for you to be around.

It was a decision that I had to make with a family member twenty years ago and again seven years ago. And let me tell you, it was an excruciating decision. And when we stopped talking, I missed them very much.

No, worse. I mourned the person deeply. Even after all the cutting remarks, they had made toward me and a few others I loved, I still mourned them. It was akin to having a death in the family.

There’s no pain like mourning someone who’s still alive.

In both cases, we did not speak to one another for a few years. And we were not welcome in each other’s homes. During those two years, I would pass this person by in the supermarket, the gas station, or on the road somewhere while driving from time to time. No, “Hi. How are you?”. No honk and wave. Nothing.

We would both just turn our heads and go on about our business. And I would feel my heart sink into my stomach and fight back the tears, knowing that there was a possibility that we would never speak again.

There was always that dreadful “Could I have done something different” feeling, which always seemed to rear its ugly head. Feelings of guilt would emerge even in the midst of knowing I had done the best that I possibly could.

Many of you may be going through something similar but do not lose heart. Your relationship with your estranged loved one is still repairable. I am blessed to be able to say that this story has a very happy ending to it.

After another family member had gotten sick, I received a call from my loved one, and we reconciled, apologized, and forgave one another. After the reconciliation, I made sure that I could lend a helping hand in taking care of our sick family member, and we became close again.

Now, we are closer than EVER! We visit each other, we talk on the phone, and we never hesitate to tell each other how much we love one another. From this, I learned a very powerful lesson.

Hit the road concept, road – 3D rendering

That lesson is this:

Sometimes, it takes a separation to bring people closer. Although painful when it happens, walking away may actually be a great thing and produce awesome results later on. Anytime you walk away, your value and the other person’s value often go up, and in time, you both learn to respect one another. Then you love each other even more than you did before.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

You Aren’t Selfish

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To expect fair and humane treatment from others at work or school.

To expect better and more loyal friendships.

To walk away from a job with a boss or coworkers who don’t appreciate your efforts.

To stop putting other’s wants and needs before your own.

To snub people who don’t value you.

To chose not to do anything you don’t want to do.

To say no to things and people you don’t like or just aren’t right for you.

To kick toxic people and life-suckers out of your life.

To refuse to let others take advantage of you.

To walk away from a relationship or friendship that only drains you and leaves you feeling terrible about yourself.

To look out for and take care of yourself.

To put yourself first.

To love yourself and all your imperfections.

You must realize that most people do not care about being fair or reasonable; they only speak of fairness and reason when it suits them.

Understand that you deserve for others to treat you with love and respect. You have a right to say no- to refuse and to walk away when something doesn’t feel right to you.

You deserve the freedom to live your life on your terms, to do things your way, and to be successful, happy, and fulfilled.

Anything less than that is unacceptable. And if any of this constitutes being selfish, then it’s okay to be “selfish.”

When the Target is Made Out to Be the Bad Guy

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When the target has had enough of being bullied and abused, and he/she snaps and overreacts, bystanders and authority are often under the delusion that the target’s reaction takes away from the fact that people have mistreated and abused them for such a long time- that it somehow detracts from the truth that it was the bullies who drove them to overreact.

As a result, many targets stop defending themselves because of this very thing. It seems that every time they stand up for themselves, even if they did it in a calm manner, they were punished for it.

Therefore, targets feel they have no other choice than to stay silent. They are forced to resign themselves, stay quiet, and do what the bullies want, which is to allow them to continue to bully and abuse.

The fear of being made the villain, no matter what they do, supersedes their natural desire to self-defend. In their silence, targets hope that other people will see by their passivity that they really are, in fact, the victim. But, in most cases, this doesn’t work either.

The target is damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

But understand that bullies use this as a weapon. If they can make you look like the instigator when you defend yourself, they then become brazen and have carte balance to bully you more frequently, more severely, and more openly.

People will believe what they want to believe about you and if they want to think that you’re crazy, arrogant, whatever, there’s not much you can do but to not associate with them.

However, you must, no matter how they shout you down and no matter how they blame and punish you, tell your side of the story. You must speak out about the abuse even if no one wants to listen to it.

Just the having your say alone can give you such a relief. The fact that you got it off your chest and out in the open keeps you from internalizing everything and your self-esteem from being destroyed. This is all a part of self-care.

And when you’re against these types of odds, self-care is the most important. Realize that, although the bullies may never change their behavior toward you, they can never stop you from taking care of yourself. In these situations, all you have is you. So, practice self-care. Show yourself compassion and do what you must do to preserve your safety and mental health. Be your own best friend. Fight for yourself.

You’re worth fighting for. Don’t you think? I do.

What Do You Do Once You Leave a Toxic Workplace?

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You’ve worked for a toxic company for three years. You’re out of a job because your bully boss either fired you or you get fed up, pulled a Johnny Paycheck, and told your tyrant boss to “take this job and shove it” and, in essence, fired him.

So, how do you get a new job, knowing that the honest thing to do is to put the hell-hole you just escaped from down as a previous employer and your former boss’s name on the line in the application that’s labeled “supervisor”?

Well, let’s be real here. Sometimes honesty’s not the best policy. After all, you and your family have to eat. Right?

So, if you’re the unethical type, here are a few underhanded things you could do. Because unethical or not, you have to survive somehow.

bye goodbye

1. Omit the workplace altogether. Yeah, it sucks. It’s not ‘the right thing to do,’ but what else do you have to lose? If you’re a married mother or grandmother, all the better. Just fill in the blanks with a homemaker and stay-at-home mom. Who’s going to question that? Yeah, you could hit a roadblock when the interviewer asks you about any experience! But again, they might give you a try! You never know! The object is to avoid a crappy report from your former boss.

2. Go to work for the competition. There’s less chance a competitor will take the word of their opponent. Also, you can sneakily give secrets away and help your new employer drive the other guy out of business. At least you’ll get a little justice!

3. Tell your new employer you were self-employed. If you were your own boss, who are they going to call for a work reference? Tell a good story, and make sure you have a good backup. Maybe you had an excellent blog and it got shut down by Google because Google made changes to its policies?

workplace bullies back stabbers gossips

back-stabbing colleagues threatening employee with scissors and knife

4. If you have a family member or friend who owns a business, have them be a job reference for you. They can give you a good report, and your chances of getting the gig will be higher.

Hey, desperate times, desperate measures. And if you want to work again, you must get around the bully boss any way you can.

Sometimes you must get as dirty as your BB because he will be waiting on a call from a potential employer once you’re gone. Your old bully will be looking for another chance to block you from future prospects. He may even try to blacklist you.

If you disappear from his radar by omitting him and his company from any job applications, it will be harder for him to reach out and touch you.

bullying boss

Strict Boss: Angry upset young business woman with blank speech bubble on white on gray background. Vector illustration.

5. Hire yourself. Yes. If you can, start your own business and work like the devil to build it. Then, if you’re lucky, five years from now, when you run into your old dictator at the local gas station while he’s putting gas in his suped-up Harley or sportscar, you can thank him for inspiring you to go into business for yourself and make it. And you can smile as you watch his face contort!

There’s no guarantee that the first four are going to work and you might even get fired from your new job if your old bully boss finds out where you’re working and decides to give your new employer a call.

But at least you will have bought yourself some time and put off going broke for a little while longer.

*Tips 1, 3, and 4 are satirical of course*

How Bullying of a Particular Person Can Become Status Quo and Why You Must Assert Yourself (Part 2)

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Continued from Part 1…

If a certain student’s bullying is allowed to continue over a certain amount of time, even for as short as a few weeks, it will likely become the status quo with his/her peers at school. Once it becomes the status quo, it’s virtually impossible to assert your rights without encountering a ton of resistance and reprisals.

The trick is to assert yourself immediately before the bully or bullies grow(s) accustomed to tormenting you because once they do, in most cases, it’s too late. Once it is too late, anytime you are brave and refuse to bow down to a bully, expect retaliation…expect to be severely punished for undermining the bully’s perceived authority or power over you.

This is a warning that you absolutely must heed. Any time one certain student is repeatedly bullied over a certain period of time, it becomes a habit…a ritual for any and everyone at the school.

And when you muster up the spunk to say and/or do anything to assert, defend, or stand up for yourself, you are going against a status quo or perceived norm. And once you dare to go against any status quo, you had better prepare yourself for an all-out war!

You are a target! And bullies see you as anything but. As much as it may suck, when a person becomes a target of bullying, people- bullies, bystanders, and yes, sometimes even teachers and staff, consciously or subconsciously expect the person to stay a target.

They expect you to put your head down and take it…to just accept it, and if you even attempt to grow a spine, they will do everything in their power to break it.

Anytime a person, who has been a target of bullies over a long period of time, takes steps to take back their power, the unspoken message of the bully is this:

“No! Wait a minute! You’ve been a lowlife loser all this time, and NOW you decide to better yourself?” or “Whoa! You’ve been a doormat this long, so why NOW do you get uppity and decide to grow a spine?”

All of which translates to an even deeper message that says:

“Holy Crap! We’re not used to him/her being so outspoken! This scares us! We’ve tried A, now we have to do B, and if B doesn’t work, then we will have to resort to C to put this person back in his/her place and do it quickly before we lose our foothold on her and therefore, lose the benefits that we have enjoyed at her expense!”

This is because bullies are extremely frightened by change, especially a change in the power dynamic which has long been set. They and others want you to stay a victim because “it’s just the way things are done at this school.”.  Also, bullies benefit from your victimization, and they do not want to lose those benefits (social status, gratification, satisfaction, etc.)

Your bullies’ degradation of you has become a habit…a ritual…a tradition, so to speak. And your defending your right to be safe from harm poses the threat of change, and most people cannot easily accept change, bullies especially.

Furthermore, bullies believe that it is their right to abuse their target. Yes! They honestly believe that they have a right to mistreat the person because they assume that they have absolute authority over their victim and are entitled to inflict misery on him/her.

In the mind of a bully, you as the target do not have the right to undermine nor question their perceived authority over you. Others believe that you deserve the ill-treatment and that you owe it to them to put your head down and “just shut up and take it.”

If this does not tick you off enough to make you want to snatch your power back, I do not know what will. But before you can do so, you must know the inner workings of these types of individuals. You must be wise to what it is that makes this type of person tick.

You must get abreast on the psychology of the typical school bully, his/her background, motives, how and why the bully seems to escape accountability and a host of other important and possibly life-saving information.

You absolutely MUST address it early on, as soon as you begin to see a pattern forming. Do not make the same mistake I did and let it get so bad that you either fear for or want to end your own life.

How I wish I knew this back then!

Bullying of a Particular Target Can Become Status Quo and Why You Must Assert Your Right to Safety

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The torment of a particular classmate or coworker can become a status quo or a habit­ if it’s not properly taken care of in the early stages.

Bullying of a certain individual is like cancer that grows and spreads. A bully scans the environment, seeking whom he can torment. When the bully spots a possible victim, they test the waters by way of small snarky comments, backhanded compliments, or anything which may cause the victim to feel uncomfortable.

The bully does this to see how the other person will react. If the individual on the receiving does nothing to assert their right not to be mistreated, the bully sees this as a green light for future bullying. Therefore, this individual has now become a target!

bullied singled out surrounded

Word soon gets around the entire school or workplace that this target is ripe for bullying, and others will join in. As time goes by, the torment becomes more of a regular, everyday occurrence. More and more people will bully the target, and the taunts and physical attacks become more and more brutal. The attacks then become harder to combat; thus, it becomes more difficult for the victim to either get help or protection.

The target’s victimization has now become the status quo with the student body or employees and the school or workplace. Others refuse to help the target either due to rumors and lies to discredit her or the widespread belief that, “Well, no one likes her anyway, so there has to be some justification to it.”.

The power dynamic has now been firmly put in place, and the status quo is maintained.
Finally, the victim feels trapped and is in constant misery and fear for their own safety.

Continued in Part 2…

7 Ways to Expose a Bully

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The best defense is to know bullying when it happens to you, and to know how to unveil a bully’s deplorable behavior. Here’s a list of several things you can do to rip the mask off and keep yourself safe.

1. Know your enemy. How you do this is to stand back and observe the people around you, but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this.

This is how you find out who the trouble makers are. If you see another student or coworker gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure that in time, they will do the same to you.

2. Document everything! As it has been said, “if it isn’t documented, it never happened”. Keep a journal and write down everything. I did this in junior high and high school just in case one of my bullies either hurt me bad enough to hospitalize me, or worse- killed me.

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You must write down the names of your bullies, the names of any bystanders or authority (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time the altercation took place, the date, time, place it happened, what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!

3. Do not reveal any information about yourself that you would not want to be told to anyone. Including your friends! If you do, you’re asking for trouble because if you are the target of a bully, you can be sure that your bullies will, at some point, either try to pry information out of your friends or they will turn your friends against you altogether.

4. Keep a low profile. Don’t do anything that may draw attention to yourself. And stay away from places the bullies may gather. Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.

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However, be advised that avoidance will not work if you have a determined bully after you. If a person wants to get to you badly enough, they will seek you out until they find you.

5. Save any threatening texts, emails, social media messages/posts, and/or voice mails for evidence. And if possible, hide a digital recorder on you or ease your hand down into your purse and set your cellphone to video during any altercations. Do it covertly so that the bully doesn’t know what you are doing. Just make sure you live in a one-party consent jurisdiction. Screenshot any nasty emails, messages, comments, and posts on social media.

Keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language.

6. NEVER brag about any evidence you have against a bully. Not even to your best friend! Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends. They can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information.

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gavel and soundblock of justice law and lawyer working on wooden desk background

Don’t do it! Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!

7. Call the bully out in front of an audience. This is risky and could bring retaliation. However, the bully will also know that you are on to them and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone. It happened to me on a few occasions.

But keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone. Calling the bully out in front of people can also humiliate the bully and make that person more determined to get you. So access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this.

Ripping the mask off the bully…layer by layer.

Why I Won’t Attend My 30th High School Reunion

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If you’ve read this blog for long enough, I’m sure you can already guess the answer to that question. “Why not?” you may ask?

There are several reasons:

1.I’d be a fool if I ever trusted them again. And I’d be a damn fool to put myself into a situation where I’d either get sucked into any petty drama or worse- hurt! And if they expect any trust from me, it’s too late. They should’ve have earned it by acting better.

2. Most of my classmates haven’t changed a bit since high school. Many are still the same drama-filled buffoons they were in high school. Only they’ve gotten older and less attractive over the years. They’ve gone from being obnoxious and self-absorbed punks to being angry and bitter mid-lifers who are resentful and crotchety because their lives didn’t turn out like they had thought. And they wouldn’t think twice about causing harm if it meant they could relive the glory days of high school.

3. Also, at high school reunions, people tend to regress into kids again. This little gathering would only be an opportunity for most of the classmates to compare themselves and their lives with one another.

4. Most of them will probably be drinking excessively, which, at our age, equals unattractive, obnoxious, and stupid. And it also means a higher intolerance of liquor than the good old days and being hungover and puking the next day. No, thank you! ‘Not my scene!

5. The reunion would, more than likely, be nothing more than a circus of posturing, showboating, and one-upmanship, where, figuratively, all the women would only talk about who’s gotten fat, who’s got the most wrinkles, and who’s had facelifts, tummy tucks, and boob-jobs. The men would probably only brag about who’s made the most money, who has the most sex, and who can still achieve an erection. And I have no time to listen to a bunch of drunken, and middle-aged adults compare bank accounts, waist measurements, or penis sizes.

6. I forgive my classmates, yes. But it doesn’t mean I desire to play footsie with any of them. Again, many of them will probably be getting sloppy drunk and puking their guts out around a huge bonfire, and they will probably talk about the same boring crap over and over again. And I’ve got better things to do.

So, with that said, anytime you don’t feel safe going to a particular function, trust your instincts and don’t go!

If anyone tries to talk you into going to a gathering of any kind and you know specific people are going to be there- particularly people who’ve brought you drama and those you wouldn’t trust to shovel manure, there’s nothing wrong with rejecting the invite.

Self-care is of the utmost importance. And if going to any function means that you must be around people who’ve given you no reason to trust them, then you have not only a right, but an obligation to yourself not to go!

And if they get offended or angry with you for declining, all the more reason you shouldn’t go! Remember that your safety and peace of mind comes first!

Faking a Surrender to Bullies to Trick Them into Leaving You Alone

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Is there ever a time when you should surrender to a bully? The answer is yes, or at least make it look like you’re surrendering to them. In life, there are times when we should pick and choose our battles- to decide whether to fight back or leave well enough alone. It is a must when your bullies are extremely powerful because it isn’t smart to fight them and give them a chance to defeat you.

Sometimes real power comes with swallowing your pride and giving in to them first. When you do this, you’ll only enrage the bullies and throw them off-kilter because they were looking for a fight and so sure they’d get one but didn’t.

There’s no point in fighting an unwinnable battle. Showing weakness can be a strength if you know how to use it correctly.

When you surrender (or make it look as if you do), you give yourself time to recuperate and time to torture and irritate your bullies subtly. You can sneakily sabotage your bullies in ways they’d never expect nor detect. Maybe you can get what you can out of the surrender, then fight later when your bullies are not so strong. Believe it or not, bullies do eventually lose power.

You don’t surrender because you give up. You do it to humor your bullies and lull them into a false sense of complacency- to fool them into thinking they’ve won. Understand that bullies are continually trying to show dominance and superiority, and if you make it look like you surrender to them, it’ll be so easy to trick them.

Being submissive to them (for the time being) makes them feel satisfied and powerful. In this, the bullies become easier targets for a later countermove or indirect ridicule.

For example, You surrender, and the bullies let you walk away. But as you turn and walk away, you can cut a silent fart in their general direction, and they won’t think it came from you. They’ll only be looking at each other and wondering who dealt it.

Silent ridicule works wonders for self-esteem!

Reasons Why Ignoring Bullies Won’t Make Them Go Away

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I cannot count the times I was advised by both family members and teachers to “just ignore them.” – to ignore my bullies and their guff. However, when I took that advice, I found out that it only made the situation worse.

They only escalated their attacks. Ignoring bullies is a slap in the face to them because they’re about taking power any way they can. When you ignore them, you proverbially thumb your nose at them. You send them the message that you refuse to bow down to them or let them scare you. This is not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. You’re handling it the best way you can and that makes you the better person.

But the problem is that when you ignore the bullies, one of two things happen:

  1. It only infuriates the bullies. They become much more determined to “get you.” And they won’t stop until they do. I want you to realize that if bullies can’t get any reaction out of you, they will push you and push you until you snap. They will then claim that you are mentally imbalanced.

  1. Bullies mistake your ignoring them for fear. Bullies are like a pack of wolves. If they even think they smell fear, look out! Anytime bullies think you’re afraid of them, they know they have you and they move in for the kill. They’ll bully just for fun and the power rush they get from your (perceived) fear. And they won’t stop because they won’t be able to get enough of that power high. Understand that the high they get is no different than a drug. Once they’re addicted to bullying you, they’ll always come back when that rush wears off and they need another fix.

It’s much better to stand up to them and set boundaries from the start. Never let it go one for long without asserting yourself. Look the bullies in the eyes and tell them in no uncertain terms that you’re the wrong one and that you won’t tolerate their crap. If you don’t take a stand right when the harassment begins, chances are good that they’ll back off and go find someone else to jerk around.

The more you know.