That False Sense of Insecurity When You’re a Target

Bullies will often bully a specific victim for so long that the victim eventually expects maltreatment from all people. Although I no longer get bullied and have long since regained my confidence and self-esteem, I do remember that feeling all too well.

After being bullied for so long, you become fearful. Around people, you clam up, keep your eyes to yourself and go about your business. However, it seldom works because bullies are like pit bulldogs; they can smell fear from a mile away, so being reserved and staying out of the way tends to bring about more bullying.

You can always tell when a person is a victim of bullying because they continuously apologize for everything. Overapologizing is the surefire sign of bullying and abuse, as is being reserved and afraid to look people in the eye.

Understand that the person who does that is scared to death. They’ve lost all sense of their worth and are afraid to make decisions because they might make the wrong one and be ridiculed, shamed, or harmed for it.

Many targets are also afraid to talk to people because they’re afraid of saying something stupid or offensive and again getting persecuted for it. They’re fearful of going out or being seen in public because they might run into the wrong people (bullies).

They’re scared to greet people because they fear that they’ll be seen as too friendly. So, they’re often mistaken for being stuck up or standoffish.

If you are a victim of bullying and you do any of the above, STOP!

Living your life in fear is no way to live! It sucks! It’s a downright miserable existence, and I refuse to keep my head down and clam up to avoid the pettiness of other people!

I want you to realize that you don’t need permission to be yourself or to exist! The day you say, “Screw it! Who cares what those idiots think!” will be the day you get your life back. Things may indeed get worse before they get better. But it’ll be worth it in the long run. I guarantee it.

You Should Never Be Afraid of Conflict

Let’s face it. Conflict is a part of life and something we all encounter at many points in our lives. Many targets and survivors of bullying are deathly afraid of conflict. Why? Because they’ve had so much of it forced on them in the past by bullies who just refused to let them be. Also, many targets and survivors are traumatized by the bullying they presently suffer or from past bullying.

Understand that these poor souls haven’t yet dealt with the hurts they still have, and they don’t yet know their worth and the good they deserve. Many targets and survivors of bullying suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, they’re still stuck in survival mode.

As a result, target’s cave in and give in to bullies to appease them just so they’ll shut the hell up and go away. And people do get tired of hearing self-entitled and self-indulgent bullies bitch, rant, and beat their chests when they don’t get their way.

So, the unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

I can understand why targets and survivors end up being this way. It’s because a person gets exhausted when they’re constantly have to battle and struggle to take back their autonomy, their self-determination, their personal power, their safety, their dignity, and their right to exist. They get worn down, they get weary, and all they want is for people to leave them alone and let them have some peace.

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak and they’ll walk all over you. You must set boundaries. There are times when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across and let people know that no means no and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships and no, none of it feels good.

In short, you must stand up for yourself and that means facing conflict.

Think of it this way, if you’re a target of bullying, you’re going to face conflict no matter what because people will bring the conflict to you. Hiding from it does no good because it will eventually find you. When you are a target of bullying, conflict is unavoidable and certain.

In other words, run from conflict and you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

So, why not face it head on, better yet embrace it and stand up to people, then you can feel better about yourself later knowing that you finally grew a spine and told them where to shove it. You may face retaliation for it, but you would face it anyway because, right or wrong, bullies will always find some justification for attacking you.

Bullies Actually Fear Losing Power and Control over Their Targets

I look back now and realize that my bullies were in constant fear of losing control and dominance over anyone they deemed inferior. I say this because I remember that anytime I or any other target at Oakley High, countered their insults, or had our own opinion about anything, the bullies and their followers would be quick to shout us down.

They would demand that we “shut up,” or “sit down and be quiet.” They would also threaten bodily harm or instigate violent arguments to intimidate and shut down anyone who dared to exercise their rights to speak freely, therefore, asserting their dominance.

Targets were highly discouraged from having their own thoughts, opinions, or views. I also remember during a class discussion, when a teacher asked me what my thoughts were on the subject we were discussing, I only had time to get the words, “I think…” out of my mouth when another girl shouted, “You think nothing! Shut up!”

Naturally, the teacher reamed her out for the outburst. However, the others only laughed at the teacher, the teacher went silent, then continued on with the discussion and allowed me to finish my answer.

There was nothing a target could speak about that one of the bullies wouldn’t shout down and attack them with. For example:

Target: “I don’t feel so good. I think I need to call home.”

Bullies and classmates: “You ‘ain’t’ sick! You’re just trying to get out of coming to school when your dumb ass needs to learn something useful!”

Target: “I’m afraid that…”

Bullies and classmates: “Shut up! You don’t have nothin’ to be afraid of! You’re just a big chicken!”

Target to target: “I need the hall pass to go use the restroom.”

Bullies and classmates: “You ‘ain’t’ goin’ nowhere! Shut up and sit down!”

Or…

If a target put up their hand and walked away from a confrontation, one of the bullies would either physically step in front of him/her and block them from leaving, grab the target by the back of his shirt and pull him back, or follow close behind them while shoving them forward while screaming, “Don’t turn your back and walk away from me, (expletive),” or “Turn around and look at me when I talk to you!” And If a target ignored a group of bullies, those bullies would then want to fight him.

It was as if the bullies had grown desperate and were panicking. And now that I know better, I realize that that’s exactly what they were doing- feeling desperate and panicking. And they were doing it out of fear.

So, anytime bullies yell and scream at you because you spoke or because you showed any form of opposition to their abuse, realize that it’s because they fear losing their dominance. Bullies instinctively know that if they lose control over a target, they lose face and look weak in front of the others around them. They also realize that if their target has the guts to challenge their power, then it just might encourage others to follow suit and bullies can’t have that.

Bullies must have their targets, not only to get sick pleasure and entertainment from, or to wield dominance over. They must also have them as examples to show everyone else that there will be brutal consequences if they show any form of dissent. Targets are used to keep everyone else in line too.

So, always remember this, and look for a way to use the bullies’ fear to your advantage. You have more power than you know.

When You Look into The Face of a Target of Bullying

You see the anguish- the desperately yearning to belong.

You see the hopelessness and despair- the wondering if things will ever get better.

You see the fear- the knowing he/she could be physically or psychologically attacked at any moment, or many even killed.

You see the sadness- the wanting to cry but not daring to for fear of looking weaker than they already look to others.

You see the determination- the determination to survive another day.

You see the silent pleas for help- help that is being denied and seems to never come.

You see the lack of trust in humanity- because the person has been let down too many times. How can that trust be restored?

You see the exhaustion- the weariness of the constant battle they face.

Lastly, you see the yearning for peace- the desperately wanting the war to stop so they can relax, breathe, and not have to fight anymore.

Bullies with Guilty Consciences

Have you noticed that anytime you speak out against bullying and abuse, or any wrongdoing for that matter, that the guilty dogs always come for you and bark the loudest? Maybe you tell your story of the bullying and abuse that you, yourself, suffered in the past and how you’ve since overcome it.

And…BOOM! Many haters come out of the woodwork, latch on, and start screaming, cursing, putting you down and accusing you of everything under the sun. Some call you ugly names and threaten – even people you don’t know, who don’t know you, and have nothing to do with what you’re talking about.

Thankfully, this has not happened here on WordPress and I am so grateful for all my WordPress family! You guys are truly the best and I could not ask for better people online.

But, on occasion, it has happened on a few other forums and once in person when I gave information about it to someone who desperately needed it. The person thanked me but the people who overheard our conversation went berserk over it later. So, if this has happened to you too, did you ever wonder why?

Its because the people who are sooo offended and doing the yelling, cursing, and tantrum-throwing have guilty consciences.

Here’s a further explanation:

Naturally, we know that people who’ve bullied and abused you in the past, are going to come out in droves and attack you. That’s a given. And you don’t have to call these people out by their names to trigger them and put them on the defense. Why? Because to hear, read about, or even know that you’re speaking out on the subject itself makes them very afraid- panicky even.

But, more than anything, it eats at their conscience!

Again, realize that you don’t have to necessarily expose them. All you’ve got to do is prick at their sense of guilt and they go nuts.

The latter is why you may also trigger people who may not know you nor have anything to do with what was done to you- you delivered a huge blow to their conscience! Even worse, you made them feel dirty! And that alone drives people utterly insane!

Though they may not necessarily have bullied and abused you, they did someone else. And hearing you talk about your experiences, or talk about bullying and abuse in general, made you a huge reminder to those people. You caused them to either think of the abuse they’re dishing out to someone else or have inflicted in the past. Ouch!

It’s subconscious. They don’t know it, and probably couldn’t explain it. All those people know is that your story, or the subject you speak of is rubbing them the wrong way and causing them a lot of anxiety.

This is the reason they freak out and flip their wigs.

It’s happened to me. I’ve seen it up close. And believe you me, these folks become downright scary! Because when they lose it, their eyes seem to jump out at you and they snarl when they yell at you. I mean, they really come unglued!

But understand that they are only revealing themselves. They’re ripping their own masks off and don’t realize they’re doing it. Why would someone get so defensive, so irate and have a complete meltdown if you weren’t stepping on a few toes- if the people around you didn’t feel that somehow, some way, you weren’t talking directly to them, or about them?

Really think about it. Pastors of churches have this happen all the time. During Sunday service, they’ll preach on a certain subject, then a few church members get angry over it and give him the what-for after the service is over.

My point is that if they knew they weren’t guilty of anything, they’d automatically know that the conversation had nothing to do with them. So, why would they care?

Remember that the people who are most offended by this and react irately are the guilty ones and you can bet that they have, at some time, bullied you or another innocent person. Anger can be revealing.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Must Take Risks

 

Too many targets of bullying grow too paralyzed with fear to make a move and take control of their destinies. Their bullies and abusers have reprogrammed them to believe that, no matter how hard they try, they’ll always be losers and failures. They’ ve been trained to believe that, to be accepted, they must always march in lockstep with the rest of society- to tread lightly and never rock the boat . And if they didn’t walk carefully, what was in store for them would be emotional- even physical brutality.

I understand because I’ve been there. I know the fear all too well.

In short, targets are taught to take the path of least resistance and stay in their comfort zones. But do you really live your best life when you choose this path instead of your own?

To see positive change in your life, you must be willing to take risks. Whether you’re working on achieving a short-term goal or chasing a dream you’ve had your whole life or whether you want to rid your life of bullies/abusers and surround yourself with better people, risk is not only expected but required.

To get something you never had, you will need to do things you’ve never done and that can be scary. To create something beautiful into your life means you will have to push through the birth pains first, it’s the only choice you have.

I took a risk when I decided to stand up to abuse. I also took risks when I wrote and published my first book, “From Victim to Victor (A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying.”

I knew it would be risky and I was prepared for it.

In doing both, I not only faced the possibility of failure, but I offended and made many people angry. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends. But that’s alright because I look back now and realize that I really didn’t lose friends at all.

What I did was weed out the people I thought were friends- the fakers, posers, and imposters who only pretended to be but were never friends in the first place.

I also knew that the book would be painful to write because it required that I relive the torment. I chose to push through the pain. Understand that if you ever want to achieve something great, you must step out of your comfort zone and face fear head on.

Life is a gamble. Everything is chance. You can’t win the game if you don’t roll the dice.

And if you really stop and think about it, we roll the dice when we do the most basic things in life – when we get out of bed in the morning, or walk out of our houses, or get in the car to go to work every day. In life, risk is unavoidable. So why not take bigger risks and go after what you want?

Wouldn’t you much rather face the fear of risk now than live with the pain of regret later? I sure would.

After the book was published and a few classmates read it, oh boy! I got quite a few nasty, hateful, and threatening messages and yes, some of it was pretty scary. But I chose to stand strong and continue speaking my truth.

My goal wasn’t only to become a published author, but to use what I endured years ago to help others who are going through it now. I wanted to be the person that I didn’t have, and to give other targets the support I was denied.

But before I could do that, I had to be willing to take risks and to endure some pain along the way. It meant risking my time, my comfort, and my associations. I had to be willing to remove all the negative people from my life and make room for people who were positive, uplifting, and empowering. And you will have to do the same if you want to follow your passion, find your purpose, and create a better life for yourself.

You must be willing to risk it all because the last thing you want is to wake up one morning- eighty years old and say, I woulda, shoulda, coulda done this or I woulda, shoulda, coulda done that.

As for me, I don’t want to have to say, “Oh no! If I’d only done this or that,” or “I had this great idea five, ten, twenty, or thirty years ago and I didn’t act on it because I was too afraid.”

So, do it while you can and be willing to accept the risk that goes with it.

It is either do or die. Risk now or regret later!

“Get busy living or get busy dying.” – Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption

Deep Inside the Bully’s Psyche (The “I” in Bullying)

Anytime you are the object of a bully’s hostility, it really isn’t about you. It’s about them. Here are things bullies tell their targets and the real meaning behind it.

“You’re fat! You’re ugly! You’re weird, stupid,” etc.

What is the meaning behind it? It depends on the circumstances. If the target is overweight, the bully is only pointing it out to make themselves feel better. What the bully is really saying is,

“I have flaws that I’m afraid are worse and more noticeable than yours. So, I’m going to point out your flaws to distract everyone’s attention from my own.”

“You Snitched on me! Now You’re Going to Pay!”

Here’s what the bully is actually saying.

“You exposed me and got me into trouble! You made me look like the bully that I really am! You outted my true personality and humiliated me! So, I’m going to get back at you for it!”

“You think you’re so smart, cute, cool, pretty,” etc.

Here’s the meaning behind it.

“Your good qualities overshadow mine! I’m living in your shadow! Your talents and natural gifts are better than mine, and you’re getting more attention than I am! You make me feel inferior to you! So I’m going to put you in your place by crushing your self-worth! I’m going to convince you that you’re not that important and make you too afraid to show your good qualities! Then I can shine!”

“You make me want to…”

Anytime a bully mistreats you and says that you make them do it, they’re only telling you,

“ I’m afraid of being unmasked and being held responsible for my horrid behavior, so I’ve got to blame you so I can be let off the hook and leave you holding the bag! If I can make you look like the bully, I can keep on screwing with you anytime I want in the future because no one will believe you if you snitch on me again!”

“Nobody Likes You!”

What the bully is really saying:

“Nobody likes me either. They only pretend to. So I’m going to make you think Nobody wants you to crush your confidence! Then hopefully, you’ll withdraw from people and self-sabotage your own relationships!”

“I don’t like you!” or “I hate you!”

Here’s what the bully is really saying:

“You make me feel inferior! You intimidate me! You outshine me in some way! You have what I want and can never have! So, I’m going to hoodwink you into believing you did something to cause me to dislike or hate you and, hopefully, ruin your self-esteem!”

workplace bullying bully draws back to hit physical

Bullies have big egos. It always goes back to them. Bullies are all about “Me,” “Myself,” and “I.”

Understand that anytime a bully says these things to you without being provoked? The most likely reason is jealousy, and that they see you as a threat to their popularity.

Always remember that if this happens and leaves you bewildered, wondering what you did to deserve it!

Bewilderment is always your first clue!

Bullies, Dictators, Terrorist Groups and Regimes Are All One and The Same. Their Tactics Are Both Universal and Timeless

Bullying has always been around and, unfortunately, always will be. It happens on ALL levels, ranging from the individual level to the government and political level. The best thing we can do is to take steps to bully-proof ourselves at the individual level to either cease to be victims or never become a victim.

It has dawned on me that the same mental processes and tactics that happen in bullying and mobbing in schools and workplaces against a target are the same processes that give dictators and autocratic leaders the ability to control countries.

From Saddam Hussein to Karl Marx and Benito Mussolini and Adolf Hitler; from Xi Zinping and Kim Jong Un, to Josef Stalin; dictators have been a terrible reality for many countries. Understand that dictators are bullies! They influence an entire population first by making empty promises of equality for all, play on our emotions by showing crime, suffering children, poverty, etc.

Once they get into office, they influence by fear and rule with an iron fist.

Understand that your worst bullies in school or at work are busting with charisma. They’re experts at charming and influencing the rest of the student body or workforce. They have a talent of fooling and appealing to others. They’re experts at persuading everyone to turn against their victims. This is how DICTATORS are made.

You can bet that every dictator the world has ever known got their start as a school or workplace bully!

Once a dictator is voted in and the people give them power, they disarm the citizenry, enact a set pay scale for everyone, a set healthcare system, take over the food supply and strip the people of their freedoms and human rights.

Dictators are bullies. Why? Because they rely on fear, dependency, and an imbalance of power from which to draw their power and there’s a clear imbalance of power between the dictator and the citizenry.

bullies snakes poisonous toxic

Just as bullies have followers, dictators have regimes, parties, and secret police. Also, these dictators have targets- certain groups of people they single out and oppress. Hitler’s targets were the Jewish people and anyone who disagreed with him. Stalin’s targets were ethnic Ukrainians, Polish, and Bulgarians.

Their followers are terrorist groups, such as Hitler’s Nazi party of Germany, Mussolini’s Fascist party of Italy. Then, we have Stalin, Lenin, Marx, and the Bolsheviks of Russia, who lead the Bolshevik Revolution and brought Communism to Russia, which is how the country became the Soviet Union, or U.S.S.R. (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics).

Today, we have Antifa, The Red Guard, and other nefarious groups, who continue to burn and loot cities and physically attack anyone who they don’t like in order to bring Socialism/Communism to America.

Understand that all of it is a form of bullying because it instills fear and creates an imbalance of power in average citizens and is used for intimidation, dominance, and control of them against their will.

toxic brainwashing

Dictators and terrorist groups have had targeted groups to oppress, torture, and kill and have thrived on fear to turn entire populations against their targeted groups. They do this through use of propaganda and usually complete their end goals of genocide. Down through  history, Communism has caused tens of millions of deaths.

Bullies have influenced student bodies and workforces to turn against a target to assassinate their characters and kill their reputations. And the scary thing is that it’s such a slow process that it almost isn’t noticeable until it’s already gone so far.

The tactics used against targets are the same used against the Jews in Nazi Germany during the thirties- demonization. Understand that demonizing is how it starts.

Though the outcome was much worse, with the Jewish people ending up maimed, physically tortured, and murdered, bullying requires the same tactics that slowly build to the final culmination of a social murder of their targets.

Bullying and mobbing are still psychological torture, and it does kill, only on the opposite end of the violence spectrum. But the social contagion and pack-mentality that make each collective attack possible are pretty much the same.  Again, it’s gradual and incremental. It happens so slowly that targets don’t realize they’re being conditioned to accept brutality and bystanders and witnesses don’t realize they’re being conditioned to hate and brutalize the target.

Target on your back metaphor as a person with a tattoo of a bulls eye symbol tattooed on the skin as an icon for being a victim of bullying and bullied or psychology of feeling vulnerable with 3D illustration elements.

Here’s how bullies target individual persons for bullying.

  • A particular person is singled out and labeled as different from everyone else.
  • Others spread the word of the targeted individual’s difference.
  • Before long, everyone defines the target’s “difference” from the rest to suggest that the target person is inferior.
  • Next, everyone is directed by a person in power to target the person for elimination.
  • The person in power sends the message that if anyone associates with, befriends, or helps the target, that person will be targeted next. But if they join in the brutalization and humiliation of the target, they will be rewarded with acceptance and a climb up the social hierarchy.
  • People increasingly leave the targeted person out of the social group and block them from access to knowledge and any deserved awards or credits.
  • The target is isolated, called ugly names, and demonized, which makes it much more acceptable for others to harm them.
  • The target is accused of the same things the bullies are themselves guilty of and a reversal of victim and offender is achieved.
  • Soon, everyone agrees that the targeted person deserves abuse and inhumane treatment.
  • Finally, the rest of the group eliminates the targeted person through character assassination and annihilation of his/her once-good reputation, whether it be isolation, expulsion, termination, banishment, or even murder.
  • Later, everyone either denies they bullied the targeted person or they justify and rationalize it- giving reasons that sound justifiable for their part in the brutal treatment of the person to avoid feeling and looking guilty.

Here’s how dictators and terrorist groups target groups and populations of people. And it’s all the same!

  • They single the targeted group out and put the word out to label them as different from other groups of people.
  • The media and other tools of the oppressive government spread the word of the targeted group’s difference and perceived sins and evil.
  • The labeled group is deemed evil and inferior, then marginalized by society.
  • The message is conveyed to the rest of the people that it’s acceptable to oppress, even harm members of the targeted group.
  • People outside the targeted group are encouraged to dehumanize them and deny them knowledge, a voice, and fundamental human rights- with those in power making it unlawful for members of the targeted group to defend themselves against being hurt.
  • People in the oppressed group are deemed threats to the rest of society, insulted and degraded, cancelled, and denied representation,
  • Dictators and oppressors accuse the targeted group of the same things they themselves are guilty of so that the oppressors can achieve the reversal of victim and offender and cover their own crimes against humanity.
  • People outside the targeted group are only further encouraged to dehumanize members of the oppressed targeted group.
  • Dictators and those in power also promote the message that if anyone associates with and dares to stand up for the targeted group, they too will be targeted along with them. But if they join the fight against the targeted group, they may be rewarded with influential positions!
  • Soon, groupthink takes over, and everyone agrees, although wrongly and unjustifiably, that the targeted group deserves horrific treatment and needs to be destroyed no matter what it takes to destroy them!
  • The oppression and brutality toward the targeted group finally progresses to a sadistic and deadly climax, where those in power have the targeted group murdered by committing genocide and the rest of society looks on with satisfaction.
  • Later, they either deny their crimes against humanity, or they rationalize and justify them to keep from feeling dirty. (An example of this denial would be people, down through the years and even today who deny the Jewish Holocaust ever happened.)

fear silence

Again. Understand that over time, the brutality ever so gradually increases in tiny increments. It progresses so slowly that it isn’t noticeable until it reaches a certain pitch. There are names for this slow, unnoticeable (or barely noticeable to the trained eye) progression- gradualism and incrementalism.

So, you see? The tactics and processes are exactly the same, whether on an individual, school, and company level or government and political level, all of it is BULLYING and MOBBING but only under different names!

These tactics are universal and have been used down through history. If you are target of bullying, the ability to think ahead and predict your bullies’ next move is essential if you expect to be able to protect yourself.

Jobs School Bullies Usually Take Once They’re Out of School

Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.

Here are some of the jobs bullies select.

1.Politicians. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.

 2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless  job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.

However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.

And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.

3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?

Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.

 4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.

It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.

With knowledge comes empowerment

Reasons Why Ignoring Bullies Won’t Make Them Go Away

I cannot count the times I was advised by both family members and teachers to “just ignore them.” – to ignore my bullies and their guff. However, when I took that advice, I found out that it only made the situation worse.

They only escalated their attacks. Ignoring bullies is a slap in the face to them because they’re about taking power any way they can. When you ignore them, you proverbially thumb your nose at them. You send them the message that you refuse to bow down to them or let them scare you. This is not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. You’re handling it the best way you can and that makes you the better person.

But the problem is that when you ignore the bullies, one of two things happen:

  1. It only infuriates the bullies. They become much more determined to “get you.” And they won’t stop until they do. I want you to realize that if bullies can’t get any reaction out of you, they will push you and push you until you snap. They will then claim that you are mentally imbalanced.

  1. Bullies mistake your ignoring them for fear. Bullies are like a pack of wolves. If they even think they smell fear, look out! Anytime bullies think you’re afraid of them, they know they have you and they move in for the kill. They’ll bully just for fun and the power rush they get from your (perceived) fear. And they won’t stop because they won’t be able to get enough of that power high. Understand that the high they get is no different than a drug. Once they’re addicted to bullying you, they’ll always come back when that rush wears off and they need another fix.

It’s much better to stand up to them and set boundaries from the start. Never let it go one for long without asserting yourself. Look the bullies in the eyes and tell them in no uncertain terms that you’re the wrong one and that you won’t tolerate their crap. If you don’t take a stand right when the harassment begins, chances are good that they’ll back off and go find someone else to jerk around.

The more you know.

Stop Worrying About What Others Think

I urge targets of bullying to get comfortable with themselves, practice self-love, and to stop worrying about what others think of them.

When you finally stop caring about the opinions of others, bullies will eventually get tired of waiting for you to screw up, get bored, and go away.

Believe it or not, there are huge benefits to not giving a crap.

And here they are:

  1. You save your energy for better and more important things. Consistently seeking approval gets exhausting. You worry needlessly over people who aren’t even worth your time. You send the message that you need them more than they need you. And once you do that, you unwittingly tip the scales of power in their favor.

Indifferent.

Never, ever feel that you need anyone more than they need you. Put the value on yourself instead. And save your energy for only people who love you and who deserve you- your family and closest friends. They are the only people whose opinions should matter. Anyone outside of that circle of people shouldn’t be an issue.

  1. You take your power back. When you stop caring, what people think, you permit yourself to be yourself and to think independently. You stop apologizing for your flaws and learn to embrace them, knowing that we’re all human and that everyone has flaws. You take back control of your life and begin calling your own shots. You start doing the things you enjoy, and you also start looking down on and avoiding the people who make you feel bad about yourself. And believe it or not, those people will notice the difference in you. And they’ll disappear.

 Understand that anyone who you have to work to gain approval and acceptance from has no business in your life. Show this person the door. Fast! People like that, you can’t get rid of fast enough.

The more you know.

“You Can’t Do Anything Right!”

bullying girl

It’s true! When you’re a target of bullying and mobbing, you really can’t do anything right. But understand that bullying does that to targets. It causes them to be extremely nervous and always on edge.

You drop things, trip over stuff, the intense nervousness and fear make you awkward and uncoordinated. It makes you clumsy. The human stress response is, indeed, a tricky little devil!

You become even more afraid, which makes the clumsiness worse- fearful of screwing up, afraid to fail, afraid to be yourself because you know your bullies are watching you closely, and you’re mistakes and failure are precisely what they’re waiting for.

A bullied girl bakes a cake in Home Economics, only for it to collapse like a souffle. A bullied boy accidentally drops the ball on the basketball court in Physical Education. A company supervisor oversees a project, only for it to fall flat and be ridiculed.

bullying victim

And it seems the harder you try not to screw up, the more you do. You’re confused and don’t know which way to turn, nor which end is up. Making choices is hard before you aren’t sure which decisions are the right ones. No one can think clearly when they don’t feel safe.

Because when your mind and body are in panic mode- when your brain rewires itself for a hostile environment after people have, for so long, subjugated you to inhumane treatment, the part of your mind that deals with decision-making and emotional regulation automatically shuts down. And you’re at the mercy of your primal instincts!

Again, all this is what bullying does to victims! It’s why most victims of bullying have low grades and performance in school and why their work projects suffer in the workplace. And it’s why they’re looked at by teachers and supervisors as failures and nuisances.

workplace bullying

But know that you’re not a failure, a loser, or a freak. You must realize that any time you’re bullied, there’s no way to relax and just be. It’s impossible. So, understand that your bullies, in their sadistic abuse, have turned you from a once calm and happy person into one hot mess! Then they’ve taken that and exploited it by calling you things like, “train wreck,” “crazy,” and other such cheap shots.

But there’s hope. When you finally get out of the dangerous environment you’re stuck in, and away from those poisonous people, you’ll be amazed at how quickly the nervousness, clumsiness, and awkwardness will go away!

You will be calm again, finally. You’ll be able just to relax, breathe, and be. And that’s a freedom I can’t describe when I remember how it happened for me.

The relief is such that it’s a feeling of being able to come up for air after having your head held underwater, or of coming home after a long time away. When you’re in a new place and around better people, you can put your best foot forward and start over.

Cyber bullying

It may be frightening at first because, after all, you just came out of an abusive situation, and you may need time to get used to the new people in your life. You may be afraid of being bullied again. But I promise you that you can make new friends and you can finally enjoy equal treatment.

Because you’ll be a fresh face, and in most cases, everyone loves the new kid because there’s an air of mystery that surrounds them. So, take advantage of that.

And once you’re able to relax and be yourself, you’ll be able to speak and do things more confidently and assuredly. Your actions and movements will be fluid and the clumsiness and confusion will fade away. It happened for me, and it will work for you too!

 

If You’re a Target of Bullying, Never Isolate Yourself.

dreamstime_xs_45771649

Many targets are bullied so viciously that they become terrified, withdraw and isolate themselves. They grew leery of social situations and lose trust in all people. Once they lose faith in humanity, they become hermits.

Some solitude is healthy, but too much of it isn’t good. Although staying away from people may seem to be the safest way to deal with being bullied, it isn’t.

Understand that when you withdraw from people, you not only close yourself off to bullies, you cut yourself off from people who can help you and from information that could be important.

You’ll cut yourself off from any talk that your bullies might be planning something harmful and you must always pay attention to what’s going on around you. Also, when you isolate yourself, you draw too much attention to yourself and make yourself an easier target. When you’re alone, you’re ripe for attack.

dreamstime_xs_49240841

Realize that we humans are social creatures and to have any power requires connection, interaction and being out and about.

It’s much better to mix and mingle with people and find friends and allies. What you should do is hide in the crowd from your bullies. Find others your bullies have bullied and use what you have in common to win them over to your side.

Making friends and allies both in and out of the bullying environment helps to counterbalance your bullies and give you protection.

When you refuse to isolate yourself, you’re more likely to receive news of what your bullies are doing and secrets they’re hiding, then use it to your advantage or for your defense. You can also better predict what they’ll do next.

Besides, the more sociable you are, the more at ease you’ll be and the more attractive you’ll become.

dreamstime_xs_115299846

Too much isolation, on the other hand, will also make you awkward around people and they will begin to avoid you.

So, remember. Isolation should only be temporary and in small doses. Only then is it good because it allows you time to think and evaluate things.

But too much of it can leave you exposed for attack because bullies always attack when the target is alone.

Think about it. In the animal kingdom, predators like tigers and wolves always attack in packs and when the prey is separated from the herd. Bullies are the same!

Trust Issues and Why Targets Have Them

dreamstime_xs_76913705

It’s not that targets don’t want to trust people because they do. They want so badly to be able to trust someone not to harm them or to turn on them.

Targets want so much to trust, to be able to relax and to be comfortable in social situations. Only they don’t know who to trust. Therefore, it’s much safer not to trust anyone- safer to put up walls and keep the rest of the world out.

Targets have, over time, built up invisible fortresses around themselves for protection. The problem with this is that these protective fortresses can become prisons and sometimes tombs!

dreamstime_xs_156142908

Here’s why this happens:

1. Targets of bullying have been outcasts for so long they don’t trust invitations to events. Even worst, they don’t trust people enough to even talk to them.

2. They get blamed for everything that goes wrong in the environment they’re stuck in.

3. They’ve been treated so badly that they’ve lost faith in humanity.

4. Bullies and their followers have, in the past, baited the target into trusting them somehow, all for the purpose of pulling a joke or prank on him. And the target can no longer risk being fooled again.

dreamstime_xs_66758207

Understand that people need human connection. And trust issues are a factor that re-enforces isolation and is no way for anyone to live. It’s a terrible existence and can sometimes create an opportunity for the target to commit suicide.

If you notice that your loved one is isolating themselves or is developing trust issues. It’s imperative that you lovingly talk to them, do a little investigating, and find out why.

Someone just might be bullying your loved one.