Month: July 2021
Letter to My Bullies- Your Anger and Personal Attacks Only Expose Your Guilt
And now, thanks to “From Victim to Victor (A Survivor’sTrue Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying,” more and more people know the truth. They know what really happened- more people than you ever thought would find out back when we were in school.
Even though I wasn’t out for revenge when I wrote the book, and therefore, had the common decency to conceal your real names and omit certain events that would’ve called you out for the devils you are, I consciously chose not to identify your sorry butts. So, go ahead, show some chutzpah. Get offended, get angry, talk smack, I don’t care.
‘You see? The thing you don’t realize is that by getting your noses out of joint, you unwittingly called yourselves out! By opening your mouths, you exposed yourselves, and as I already knew you would! So, who’s the “retard” now?
I concealed your real names, which is more than what you deserved, yet you get your emotions so stirred up you end up telling off on yourselves! So, who are the stupid ones?
Here’s the thing. If someone had written a book about me and exposed me and all my dirt, but changed the name? I would’ve been smart enough to zip my lips and not to let on that the book was about me!
I would’ve put on a poker face because I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I was one of the idiots who acted so immature back in the day- that I was one of the brutes that mistreated so horribly a person, who back then, was powerless to defend herself! And here another newsflash. Today, bullies don’t get the glory they got back in the ‘1980s.
People look down on bullies nowadays!
And let me address the psychopaths who’ve sent me threatening and nasty messages off and on for the last three years. Heads up: I’ve both screenshotted and saved them all “just in case.” And I’ve already exposed one woman. Don’t be the next person I plaster all over the internet. Because I will, in essence, parade you naked before the eyes of the entire world.
And if anything does happen to me, anything at all, that book will be seen as a possible motive. Many, many people will come around, asking questions. And who do you think they’ll come to? Who do you think those people will want answers from? Are you willing to take that risk?
The entire class will be under a microscope, and everyone will know what the possibilities are. But that’s all it takes. Isn’t it?
One accusation. One offhand comment. One motive. The slightest suspicion. That’s it.
So, if you see me out anywhere, your best bet is to keep on walking. You stay away from me, I’ll stay away from you, and everybody’s happy.
Letter to My Bullies- I’m No Longer Afraid of You
Also, the fact that no one cared about the truth nor even asked is only further proof that you all bullied and mobbed out of pure spite, ignorance, and stupidity. And the same three afflictions is why a few teachers, who followed your lead, also bullied me to the point of considering a lawsuit. A few even escalated the vitriol because they saw me as a threat.
Those few so-called teachers were afraid that I would file citing discrimination based on a perceived disability. Why? Because they found out about the daily journals, I kept each school day, documenting everything! And I’ll never forget their reactions (and those of some of you) each time they saw me writing.
It’s hilarious when I look back now because some of you seemed pretty desperate and afraid!
And the few spineless, undeserving losers I was such a fool to call friends? (Scoff) They didn’t have the stones to have my back, which means it’s safe to say that I didn’t have any friends at OHS. So, should it matter to any of you if I speak up or stay silent?
I can be honest about it now because none of you are anyone I need to impress, and I surely don’t owe any of you anything- not even respect because you did nothing to earn it. I’ll say again. You get no respect from me.
As for the few rotten apples who called themselves teachers, I realize they only fell for your lies and smear campaigns. These teachers, who were supposed to be adults, but only regressed into children by joining you in your evil and spiteful attacks, weren’t smart at all, only educated idiots. They were also too lazy to look for the facts.
Far be it from me to put their names out there because I won’t go that low. But I already suspect you know which teachers I’m referring to. So, I’ll leave it there.
With you, the excuse was always, “I’m afraid of her!” or “She’s crazy!” But the reality was that I was much more afraid of you than you ever were of me. But deep down, most of you were already aware of it.
Oh yeah. I know and you do too. I knew it back then; only I was too afraid to voice it because I knew what most of you would do if I opened my mouth. Oh, yes. You got that one for free. I was afraid of you all back then.
But the difference between then and now is that I’m not anymore. Now that I’m a grown woman, I’m not afraid of any of you.
I don’t have to see any of you. You can’t touch me now. So I can say pretty much anything I want. And I say it loud and proud. Even better, I make speaking out about people like you my livelihood, my bread and butter, and my niche!
Therefore, in bullying me, you were only paving my path for me. In trying to instill fear, you only encouraged me. In trying to keep me down, you only uplifted me! And in turning others against me back then, you ultimately made me truer friends now than I ever could have imagined back then.
Now, you must ask yourselves what good all that meanness did in the long run, and where did it get you? It certainly didn’t help you reach the top! It didn’t get you fame or fortune because none of you ever went anywhere.
Arrogance and Self-Loathing- Two Extremes
Letter to My Bullies- You Only Made A Winner Out of Me
I’ll give you this much. For a while, you had me down and even managed to keep me there during school. I forgot who I was. Or maybe without meaning to, I allowed you to take the knowledge of who I was from me. You even succeeded in making me out to be the troubled one.
And while you bullied, harassed, name-called, slut-shamed, shoved, tripped, jumped, beat, choked, and kicked me- even threatened my life with a blade on two different occasions; I was told to ignore it, to toughen up, and not to be a snitch or a crybaby.
Even worse, people also dared to tell me to be thankful that the abuse wasn’t worse or just to take it in silence.
But as you can see, it didn’t last. You couldn’t keep me in your little box and your vacuum. And once I got away from you, I began to flourish.
In the end, you only made a fighter out of me. What you did is make a winner out of me. You ended up making me more determined to love myself. The girl who used to finish last now finishes first. Why? Because I put myself first.
When you all attacked me, others judged me unfairly and brutalized me- even those who were bystanders and those I thought were friends. And that was worse because the betrayal was more devastating than the bullying and mobbing itself.
Oh, yes. I’ll admit. People, even a few school staff, only scoffed when I went to them for help and tried to explain to them what I was going through. When I needed a listening ear and a shoulder to lean and cry on, they only ignored me. When I needed someone to care, understand, and make sense of what was happening, they abandoned me. Therefore, for a while, you won.
I even went against my better judgment and asked many of you why. Not even you could give me a straight answer, which should’ve been my first clue that none of you knew and, more than likely, still don’t know why you acted so ignorant and stupid.
Though I was only a kid and didn’t realize it back then, it’s only proof that you had no excuse nor justification for the simple way you behaved. And the most astonishing part was you didn’t need any evidence of any wrongdoing on my part to rally the school to your side.
Letter to My Bullies- You Were Lessons, Not Blessings.
Much to your chagrin, I’m no longer the naive girl of yesterday, but the wise woman of today. And the beauty of getting older is the wisdom you store up and the realization that you’re perfect just the way you are and always have been. Also, you realize that you never needed certain people in the first place and that certain people don’t belong in your life. You, OHS class of 90, except for two- two people, are “certain people.”
Another great thing about getting older is that you become completely secure and comfortable in your own skin. You can speak your mind no matter who sees and hears it because you could give less than a damn what others think.
Who are you, anyway? Who are any of you? I’m the only one who can decide who I am. I’m the only one who has that kind of power.
So many people tell me things, and it is people you’d never expect. ‘You know? Those who tell you stories of people you could care less about and regardless of whether you want to hear them? Yeah, those types. Believe it or not, some of them are people you think are your friends.
Oh, yeah! They stop me in places like the supermarket and the gas station, or when I’m passing through. They tell me that many of you keep up with my social media posts and regularly read my blog. Yep. I know all about it.
So, I don’t doubt that you’ll read this blog post too, so I’m writing this to help you indulge yourselves. Because you only expose yourselves and your obsession.
To be real, I could care less about what or how any of you are doing. Because you were only people God was teaching me to look out for. You were lessons, not blessings. And the things I take away from having the displeasure of even knowing you are these:
1.That if I can survive your obsessive bullying and mobbing for six long years, then I can survive anything. Oh, yes! You most certainly showed me my own strength, resilience, and determination.
2. You showed me the type of people I don’t want in my life and who aren’t good enough to be in it. Moreover, you showed me the type of person I never wanted to become.
3. You gave me a much better appreciation for the real friends I have today.
4. You gave me a thick skin and a fighting spirit.
5. You gave me clarity- clarity of what I want and what I will and will not tolerate in my life.
6. You gave me the confidence to know that hard times are only temporary and they will eventually pass me by.
7. You gave me the drive and determination to have what I want out of life and the motivation to work hard and keep going after it until I get it- the commitment to reach success and live my dreams.
8. You gave me the desire not only to learn and improve my knowledge of bullying and the psychology of predatory behavior but also to use what you tried to do to protect other innocents from people like you.
9. You also gave me the ability to spot a liar and faker a mile away in the dark! It’s funny how dealing with the likes of you can give one the ability to point out other liars and fakes without ever meeting them.
I survived because my determination to remain standing superseded your desperation to tear me down. I survived because the fire inside me burned hotter and brighter than the fire you ignited around my feet.
My efforts to reach happiness and success outmatched your efforts to keep me miserable and in failure. And my strength to keep going was much bigger than the force you expended to stop me. I prevailed against odds that would’ve proved overwhelming for the likes of you.
I graduated because I kept pushing myself and went on living through enormous threats circumstances- pressures under which you wusses would’ve dropped out. And the thing is, most people would’ve hated you. But I don’t. ‘You know why?
Because hate is a waste of energy, I’d rather spend my energy focusing on my goals. I’m too busy working on myself and pursuing my own agenda to hate on anyone. I make it about me. That’s right, all about me, my family, and my goals.
The Courage to Be Yourself
Why You Should Never Believe nor Internalize the Labels Bullies Give You
We’ve all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies or the Pygmalion Effect. It’s a phenomenon in which our thoughts become things. People also call it the power of expectation.
” What we believe we also become.”
When people (adults at work AND kids at school) are told they are smart and will do well, they usually end up doing just that. Whereas, if a person is told he is stupid and will never amount to anything, he will also live up to what he hears.
Bullying and life – pictured as a word Bullying and a wrecking ball to symbolize that Bullying can have a bad effect and can destroy life, 3d illustration
High expectations= high performance= high outcomes.
Low expectations= low performance= low outcomes.
Understand that bullies are brain-washers. They are repetitious in their verbal attacks, and if you aren’t careful after they have repeatedly suggested that you’re stupid, ugly, or no good long enough, they will force you to believe it too. You won’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late.
‘You see? A bully knows that if you tell a person something enough times for long enough, that person is more likely to believe it.
Understand that bullies do this on purpose. Their goal is to derail you, your goals, and your future by manipulation, to turn you against yourself.
Because bullies know that once they make you believe you’re worthless and can’t do anything right, you will unwittingly and ultimately live up to their expectations.
You must realize that any name a bully calls you, they want you to be. Anytime a bully tells you that you will never be loved, never be successful, etc., the goal is to crush your self-esteem and any prospect for the future.
Law of Attraction on Blackboard with Words
And people want to be right! Bullies want so badly to be right about you so that they can eventually point at you and tell others,
“See? What did I tell you? I told you he was a jackass!”
“I told you she would (screw up, fly off the handle, get into trouble, etc.).
“Uh-huh! What did I tell you? Huh?”
Therefore, should it be any wonder why bullies continuously bombard you with horrible names and accusations? If a person calls you a lowlife, they want you to be a lowlife because they want you to prove them right!
There is a reason why cycles repeat themselves over again! Everything becomes a cycle. What you expect is what you will end up getting. Even worse, it’s what you’ll eventually live up to. Always! It’s only the Law of Attraction at work, and it never fails.
It won’t be easy to do. It’s challenging to think positively and to keep loving yourself when you’re continually having horrible names and negative comments hurled at you from every direction. It’s tough to keep your heart open when the hearts of people around you are closed and locked tight. It feels impossible to love yourself when it seems that everyone hates you. I feel your pain because I’ve been right where you are now.
However, you can only break the cycle of abuse and negativity by continuing to love yourself even when it seems that nobody else does, by finding a reason to live when life seems hopeless, and by refusing to lose sight of your goals, your dreams, and most of all, your value as a human being.
Be mindful of your thoughts and always replace any negative thinking with thoughts that are positive.
If a bully calls you stupid, counter his statement by saying something as simple as,
“No! I’m smart! You’re the stupid one!”
You may have to work hard at it, but you can do it.
Worrying About the Future Only Stops You from Enjoying Life in the Present
There’s a reason why I make it a point never to worry until it’s time to worry. What’s going to happen will happen, and I refuse to worry about things that haven’t occurred yet- and may never come to pass.
Too many people worry needlessly, which is why we had the stock market drop and the numerous closings and shortages of necessities back in March 2020 when COVID first hit. Was and is COVID something to be concerned about? Absolutely! But was and is it something to panic over. No.
The COVID crisis is just an example. But even before the crisis, people worried needlessly.
“Oh, my God! My girlfriend is going to leave me!”
“My boss is mad at me! I’m going to get fired!”
“My grandmother is 89 years old! Oh, no! She’s going to die soon!”
“Oh, no! We have a thunderstorm, so a tornado is likely to hit!
“I’m afraid to drive a car because I could have an accident and die!”
“My kid is not studying! He’s going to make bad grades!”
“Oh, no! China is mad at us and is likely to invade us!”
There’s nothing wrong with being concerned over something if there’s a threat. But to freak out over it as if it’s going to end the world doesn’t help matters any.
No one is saying that you should put on rose-colored glasses and pretend that everything’s peachy king because to go to the opposite extreme is just as dangerous. But never should we run out and buy a five-year supply of toilet paper. There’s a middle ground that we should stay in.
Studies show that over half the things we incessantly worry about never end up coming true. So, again. Should we worry excessively?
Understand that excessive worry only stops us from being able to think clearly and blocks our ability to make good choices and decisions. If we’re too worried, we’re more likely to make the wrong decisions to try and contain a perceived threat. Also, it lessens our capacity to focus on real problems.
But if we lessen our worry, we’re more likely to come up with better solutions to our problems.
And the best part is, if we train ourselves not to worry excessively, we’ll have more happiness and peace of mind.
So relax. Live in the moment and be present in it. Enjoy the good times while they’re here.
Anti-Bullying Anthem “Backstabbers” by The O’Jays
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91lWHndOfiU
Frenemies and Infiltration
Reactive Bullying, What is It?
Reactive bullying happens when a target has taken so much abuse for so long that when the pressure builds to the boiling point, the targeted person blows up or
‘snaps,’ lashing out at their tormentors.
The target let’s them have it! Many would say that the victim “bullies them back” and I have made the same statement. However, the more I think about that statement, the more it sounds like an oxymoron.
Be that as it may, is blowing up and going off on bullies the wisest thing for targets to do?
Believe me. I get that people can only take so much. I understand that when you’ve had enough, you’ve had enough, and I’m with you. However, make no mistake. An explosive reaction is precisely what the bullies want.
They want you to snap.
They want you to blow up on them so they can then claim victimhood and make you look like the bully.
Understand that bullies are experts at baiting a target into a reaction, then using the justified (and perfectly normal) response as proof that the targeted person is “mentally unstable,” “crazy,” “a dangerous person,” “too sensitive,” or a “drama queen”!
Bullies also use the target’s normal reaction to guilt and convince him/her that it’s all their fault.
Bullies will make statements such as:
“Well? Maybe if you wouldn’t get so overly emotional, you’d have friends!”
“If you didn’t overreact to everything, people would want to be around you more!”
In short, bullies gaslight their targets with statements like these to make excuses for the behavior and deflect the blame back onto the victims. And sadly, it works like a charm, and bystanders and witnesses believe the target is unstable.
Note: A perfect example is a scene in one of the “Home Alone” movies, when the main character, Kevin McAllister’s older brother Buzz makes a fake apology to his family, then sneakily calls Kevin a trout-sniffer during a family meeting after the fiasco at the choir concert. Notice how Buzz baits his younger brother Kevin into a reaction!
If you are a target, I want you to understand that there is a name for this. It’s called gaslighting, and it’s a trick to throw you off balance.
Understand that, if you blow a gasket and tear into your bullies, in no way will your harsh reaction undercut the fact that they initiated it- that your bullies are the ones who asked for it and drove you to get out of character.
Realize that every single human one of us is capable of losing our cool when we’re under that kind of pressure after we’re attacked and subjected to vile treatment for so long.
However, there are many people who do think otherwise and will punish you because they feel you overreacted. There will be those who feel that the punishment outweighed the crime.
This is why teachers, supervisors, and others in authority must learn to distinguish between provocation and a reaction so that they will be able to identify the real bully and victim. And you must also learn to tell the difference between the two so that you can call it out when it happens to you.
Luckily, there are a few sure-fire ways of identifying the real victim who is only reacting to a provocation by a bully.
1. A victim who has only reacted always feels terrible about how they acted once they’ve calmed down and is usually the first to apologize for it. A real victim will also not be afraid to admit they’ve made a mistake.
On the other hand, a bully must always be right and will never admit they’ve done anything wrong. A bully will still blame the victim and be overly critical of the victim and the reaction. Bullies will also use the tiniest screw-up or imperfection and make it bigger than it is. They are also excessively dramatic.
2. A victim will also apologize, sometimes nervously and excessively.
A bully will never apologize. Because a bully is never wrong, even feels that it is their right to mistreat their targets.
Please note that if the bully is a smooth talker, he might even admit to a few minor mistakes or wrongdoings. However, they will always follow that with the claim that the victim is at fault.
So, always look for these signs, and you’ll be able to peel the mask off the bully, layer by layer! Moreover, you’ll be able to protect and care for the victim!
With knowledge comes empowerment!
Strong for So Long
Bullying and Relational Aggression- “Don’t Associate With Her!”
It’s bad enough when bullies mistreat you themselves. But when they set out to prevent you from becoming friends with people besides them, that’s even worse.
Social and relational bullies are like obsessive exes who won’t allow you to move on from the hurt. You know the type- an ex who claims they don’t want you but doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.
They deliberately try to isolate you to wield power over you and make you believe that you need them- that you need their approval to live a happy life.
Another goal is to instill shame in you and make you believe you somehow deserve to be bullied. Bullies also do this to isolate you so that they can more safely continue, even escalate their attacks. If the bullies can turn everyone else against you, then you’re least likely to get support, and they’re least likely to be held responsible for their behavior.
Bullies use socio-relational aggression for many reasons, a couple of which are to get back at you for a perceived slight or intense jealousy of your good relations with others.
Bullies reap other psychological benefits, as well. They get gratification and satisfaction in seeing you alienated from everyone else. Also, your isolation serves them as proof that you’re a terrible person. Bullies always have to be right about you.
Understand that these types of bullies observe you very carefully. They keep track of you to find out who you associate with, who you date, even who your family members are. They also dig up information about your life.
When they find out who your friends are, they then tell your friends lies about you or threaten to harm your friends if they catch them having any more to do with you. Bullies will also mistreat your partner and even go after your family. You must realize that bullies thrive on fear, and, as I’ve already mentioned, their goal is to isolate you and make you more vulnerable. They cut you off from any protection or assistance.
Once they have succeeded in alienating you, they can bully you at will and with impunity. Bullies can also keep you silent about the abuse. If you have no one to talk to-, if no one will listen to you, then there’s no way you can speak out about them or their abuse without getting rebuffed or ridiculed.
So, here’s the short list. Social and relational bullying reaps the following rewards for bullies:
• Silence of the target
• the freedom to abuse anytime they want
• protection
• confirmation of the target’s unworthiness
• favor with others
• immunity from accountability
• gratification, satisfaction, and, most of all, overall power and domination of the target!
Knowledge is power, so get wise to your bullies. It’s the first step in protecting yourself from them.