Month: May 2021
When People Believe the Most Outrageous Lies About You
If you’re a target of bullying, I almost certain that you’ve had bullies tell the most outrageous and outright ridiculous falsehoods about you- lies which were laughable at best. And shockingly, everyone in the place actually believed that garbage! And you wondered, “How could anyone with even a lick of sense believe such moronic tales!”
It seemed as if everyone around you was smoking crack. They’d have to be to believe such tripe!
Understand that anytime you’re a target of bullying; you’re at your absolute worst! Anyone would be at their worst under the extreme pressure that bullying brings. Anytime a person is bullied by everyone, it doesn’t matter how strong they are, how brave they are, how beautiful, how awesome their personalities are, they will eventually be overcome with exhaustion and taken down.
If you’re bullied long enough, by enough people, you’ll only be able to stay strong and withstand it for so long. Because we’re all human, and no one can hold up under that kind of stress and adversity forever.
Bullies instinctively know this. So, they increase the abuse until you begin to crack. You will be overwhelmed with so many emotions. You’ll be completely paranoid- and with good reason!
You’ll be furious, you’ll be terrified, shocked, confused, and stressed to the extreme! Your appetite will be gone, and you’ll get very little sleep. You’ll have lots of your hair falling out, and your stomach will be in knots. You’ll have excruciating headaches. At times, you’ll feel nauseated and even vomit!
Should it be any wonder that people believe everything they hear about you?
They’ve seen you morph from a cheerful, reliable, responsible, and reasonable person to a stressed out, hot mess of a train wreck who’s barely able to function, much less concentrate on schoolwork or work projects.
Here’s another thing:
Joseph Goebbels, who was the minister of propaganda to Adolf Hitler, said it best when he made these statements,
“Tell a lie once, and it remains a lie. Tell a lie a thousand times, and it becomes the truth.”
“The bigger the lie, the more it will be believed.”
Believe it or not, people will believe the big, outlandish lies before they accept the little white lies that make more sense. If we hear something about another person, especially if it’s something huge and horrible and comes from a person we trust and with a little bit of power, we may feel shocked and disbelief at first, we will eventually end up believing it.
And the reason we end up believing it is that the repercussions of severe wrongdoing are so enormous that we don’t want to think that anyone would tell such a big fat lie about someone if there isn’t some truth to it.
We cling to the belief that if a person is audacious enough to make such an accusation about another person, then somewhere, there must be evidence to back it up. Otherwise, they wouldn’t dare make such bold accusations and risk being proven wrong and made to look like a fool!
So, we hold on to the idea that where there’s smoke, there’s fire and allow caution and speculation to supersede any logic. And if we expect trouble to come from a specific place, that’s where we’re going to look.
And when we look for a specific thing, we usually find it.
Also, if a lie is something that goes against the target’s character, we’re more likely to believe it strictly because any story of hypocrisy has a certain amount of shock value and entertainment to it as long as the story is about someone else and not us.
Another reason we’re more prone to believe a big fat lie is because it frightens the crap out of us. When people hear a lie so big and outrageous, it makes them wonder if they ever really knew the target at all. And the idea that someone they know could do such a horrible thing scares people to death.
Is it all making sense now? Great!
The more you know, the better!
Better Off Alone
Bullied? Whatever You Do, Don’t Wallow in Self-Pity.
It all comes down to you. You are responsible for your successes and your happiness. Happiness is a choice, not something that magically happens to only certain people.
It’s okay to cry when someone hurts you. It’s okay to be hurt, angry, and sad. In fact, you need to allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to get angry. Permit yourself to cry it out. Just don’t unpack your things and live in that dark place.
Never let the cruel words and actions of a bully alter your outlook on the world around you, humanity, and especially yourself! Know that bullies’ behavior does not reflect on you! It reflects on the bullies themselves and their issues. Although I realize that this is not always easy.
Understand that your bullies are cowards and fighting demons of their own, albeit the wrong way, and their mistreatment of you is only proof of it.
In most cases, the reason why bullies point out your shortcomings is to distract people’s attention from their own. They’re so afraid that somebody will find out what their weaknesses are. Bullies are notorious for projecting their flaws onto their targets to keep other people from seeing theirs. It’s pathetic when you think real hard about it.
And trust me, we all have imperfections. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Distraction and projection are how bullies operate. They would be the top two tactics in the “How To Bully” handbook if there ever were such a guide. Understand that bullies bully out of only, fear and insecurity!
Child abuse with the eye of a young boy or girl with a single tear crying due to the fear of violence or depression caused by hunger and poverty and being afraid of bullying at school.
So, never let your tormentors decide how you should feel about yourself. And never allow them to cause you to feel sorry for yourself because self-pity is so unattractive and socially repelling! I’m telling you this because there were times when I made the same mistake, and the only thing it did was bring more misery and repel people. So I tried something different. I began countering everything with comebacks, affirmations, and positive thoughts.
Only when you begin to counter your bullies’ statements will their words not have as significant of an effect on your self-esteem. In other words, your new, positive self-talk will become a buffer to the bullies’ insults and name-calling, and you won’t be nearly as hurt or saddened by it.
Remember that no matter what anyone says about you, you must look in the mirror every single day and convince yourself that you are the best thing God created. That you are the best, and sometimes, the best are the ones who get mistreated. If you must have this self-talk every minute of every day, then do it because any positive internal dialogue has to be consistent to sink in.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try positive self-talk and praising yourself for all your good qualities and know in your heart the good you bring to this world and the blessing you are to the people who love you. Because the more you love yourself and the less self-pity you live in, the easier it will be to find solutions.
You’re worth it! Don’t you think?
“Silent Screams” by Cherie and Amber
Nobody hears the deafening screams but me,
incessantly blurring the thinking inside my mind.
Nobody knows my pain, they only guess and that’s good enough for them,
whilst assumptions and judgements smear the cracked glass of reality.
Their screams can be heard loud and clear,
searching for their prey, drooling from their lips.
But mine are only hidden and obscured,
suppressed and confined to protect the camoflague of my sanity.
I can’t let them see me wounded,
for they will pounce on the opportunity to get their ego fix of daily pain to feed themselves.
Can’t let them see me sweat,
for they will smell their meat from distances.
I must remain strong even if I must fake it,
smiling behind a facade of torn misery.
Can’t allow them to see my vulnerability,
lest they strike the final blow that kills me forever.
Sometimes there is no coming back from the horror of the ever running cycles of hunter and prey.
Never Ever Apologize for Who You Are
Make no apologies for who you are or what you stand for. And make no apologies for any successes or victories you’ve had. Most importantly, make no apologies for loving yourself and going after what you want and what you deserve.
Bullies will get jealous of your successes and victories and try to undermine them. They give you backhanded compliments, accuse you of having “freak luck” or call you an imposter.
Also, if you’re a confident and happy person, bullies will be jealous of that too. They will accuse you of being “full of yourself”, “arrogant”, “conceited” and other such nonsense.
Turn a deaf ear to these haters!
Lots of times, targets of bullying, after having been bullied for so long, end up apologizing for or explaining away beautiful parts of their personality because they have been forced by others to believe that something really is wrong with them.
If this applies to you, I want you to stop doing that! You owe no one any apologies, nor explanations for being YOU.
I want you to think about this: Perceptions are often wrong and just because others “perceive” you to be less than does not mean that you are. Stop apologizing, stop explaining and begin loving yourself.
Silent Treatment Can Work for You Too!
Another Weapon Bullies Can Use Is Your Predictability
Being predictable is dangerous. Because if a bully can predict your reaction or your next move, it’s game over. Remember that bullies are very socially intelligent, and they tend to spot behavior patterns in their victims.
Bullies carefully observe a potential target, looking for any patterns of behavior, habits, and weaknesses. They closely monitor your reactions to everything, what ticks you off, what makes you happy, and what excites you. They scrutinize the way you do things, even the way you arrange objects.
They study your moods, body language, and expressions to feel out your emotional state. And in observing you, bullies leave no stone unturned.
Bullies are like bank robbers who case out a bank before pulling off the heist. The robbers get the bank’s layout, search for any vulnerabilities in the security system, and look for any patterns of patrols and the comings and goings there.
Is it any wonder that being targeted for bullying can feel like being under a microscope? Like you’re being watched? It’s because you are!
Being too predictable is unwise when you’re bullied. Instead, make it a point to be unpredictable. Be as fluid with every as you possibly can. I know it won’t be easy because we’re all creatures of habit. It’s going to take work.
But understand that bullies fear a fluid person and will leave him/her alone if they aren’t sure how they’ll react. So, try new things every day, in everything. It will surely pay off!
The more you know, the better your defense.
Bullies, Rumors, and Gossip
Gossip is purely judgmental and includes hasty generalizations about the target’s character and private life, which has nothing to do with the school, community, or workplace. The purpose of gossip is to control the target’s status by demoting the target on the social hierarchy.
Another purpose of gossip is to justify any punishment of the target by promoting a collective view that the victim doesn’t deserve respect, dignity, or humanity, but only abuse and hostility.
And once a target is viewed to deserve abuse, others will always escalate it!
Gossip has another benefit. It tightens group connections, gives higher status to the people who are privy to the negative information, and sets expectations and norms in the group as to how they should treat the target.
Through gossip, the group establishes, maintains, or changes social infrastructures. Gossip promotes unity and shared negative perceptions of the target. With the use of it, the group will foster justification for hostility. Therefore, no one in the group considers their actions as bullying. They will only say that the target “deserves it” and say they were reacting to “an evil enemy.”
People tell others to keep it secret, but they also ask them to inform the group of any new information and updates that concern their target.
Realize that it serves to provide bullies reaffirmations that their perceptions of the target are correct, that the target deserves abuse.
Gossipers will often cover their bad behavior with a slight confession of guilt by beginning their sentences with things like,
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but…”
“Poor thing…”
“Bless her heart…”
They will acknowledge that the target is a human being, but only because this gives them the green light to go on talking and helps them to feel less like the creeps they are.
It’s true that reputation doesn’t equal character. But it can effect life. Understand that the rumors may, in fact, be false and there may be zero credible evidence to back them up. But if pure speculation best fits the bullies’ goals, that’s what they will go along with.
In the late stages of gossip, all bystanders will become willing co-conspirators. Gossip brings scandal, which means to assassinate the target’s character, integrity, mental fitness, and worth as a student, worker, neighbor, or human being.
Anyone who questions or disbelieves the lies will immediately become an object of bullying as well. Nobody wants to be isolated, so this forces others to stay in line with the running narrative.
And if the target attempts to defend himself or speak out against the abuse, it will be used against him.
Unfortunately, at this stage, the only way for the target to ensure his safety and escape the abuse is to leave the toxic environment and go to a new place where he can start anew, establish new connections, and reinvent himself.
Remember the character, Chris Chambers, in the movie “Stand by Me.” Although he was a great kid, he was considered a rogue and a thief. Remember the scene where he was crying to his friend, Gordy, telling him about how he got his bad name and wishing he could go somewhere where no one knew him.
During the conversation, the character of Chris Chambers, played by River Phoenix, tearfully tells Gordy that a member of staff took the lunch money out of the teal but he got blamed for it solely because of his family name. It was heartbreaking to watch.
And sadly, that happens a lot. In a majority of cases, targets must leave the school, company, or community to heal and to rebuild their lives.
Excuses People Make for Bullies
As we know, bullies are very practiced and convincing liars and have a flair for using charm to deceive bystanders and authority.
Understand that this “charm” bullies often display is fake. It is all a part of the smokescreen they put up to hoodwink people, cover up bad behavior, and avoid accountability. In short, bullies are only actors and actresses.
Here is a list of excuses that bystanders and authorities often make for the bully anytime a victim reports them for their appalling behavior.
“That’s just his personality.”
“He was only joking.”
“She’s only expressing herself.”
“He just has a very strong personality.”
“She’s going through a hard time right now.”
“But he’s really a good person, he’s just having issues right now.”
“She’s just having problems at home.”
“He’s just being himself.”
“But he’s so well-liked and well mannered. Why would he bully someone like you?”
“But she’s so sweet and everyone loves her. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“But they’re just good kids who made a bad mistake.”
These are a few examples of how others justify and condone the bully’s behavior.
Don’t fall for it! Call them what they are- BULLIES! Never accept any excuse. It’s true that retaliation may follow.
However, stay strong and know that you don’t have to tolerate atrocious behavior from anyone! You have rights. And you have a right to be safe and to live in a healthy environment. Those are non-negotiables!
Lastly, always remember that it’s not your fault and the harassment isn’t about you. It’s about the bullies’ issues!