You not only never forget the bullies, but you also remember the people who were there- the people who had the power to help you but did nothing. Many times, the bystanders who saw it never tried to intervene and stop the attacks, nor did they speak up on my behalf.
As much as I hate to say it, I was guilty of the same thing. When I watched a few others get bullied, I said and did nothing, thinking that my voice wouldn’t make a difference if I did speak up. Other times, I was just damn glad that, for a change, I wasn’t the one targeted and that it was someone else taking heat for a change.
For this, I am very remorseful and would like to apologize to all the other targets I left to fend for themselves. I’m truly sorry.
Here are the reasons bystanders do nothing to help a target of bullying:
1. They’re afraid of arousing the bullies’ anger and becoming the next target. No one wants to be a target of bullying. I get that. Many bystanders fear getting involved, and for good reasons. However, many bystanders do have some power because they’re high on the social hierarchy.
And the higher you are in the pecking order, the more weight your actions and words carry. So, why not use your power to help the target? Because if you’re extremely popular, the chances are that other bystanders will follow your lead and join you, and the bully will leave the victim alone. There’s strength in numbers.
2. The bystanders see the bullies’ torment of the target as entertainment. Bullies always bully in front of an audience to humiliate the target. During altercations between bullies and targets, bystanders immediately gather around to watch it go down.
Most bystanders then stand around, laughing and pointing fingers. Many of them cheer and egg the bully on, stirring it up to get more entertainment, all of which only encourages the bully to continue and even escalate the abuse.
As long as it isn’t them getting dogged out or having their brains beat in, most bystanders think it’s funny to see it happen to someone else.
Silhouette of two hands with smartphones, shoot a video on a sinking person’s hand, asking for help. The concept of a selfish society, a social problem
It’s the reason that instead of helping the target, bystanders will automatically whip out their smartphones and record the confrontation. They can then watch it later, send the film to their friends, and have another big laugh over it.
But! It’s not the least bit funny to the target. It’s painful and humiliating. It can be devastating to a victim who has already been a target of bullying for an extended time and can drive them over the edge.
3. The bystanders themselves either dislike or hate the target. In many cases, bullies have run vicious smear campaigns and turned everyone against their victims. When an altercation finally breaks out, the bystanders refuse to help the target because they think she deserves the abuse. Many times, these bystanders secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing the target suffer.
They may stand around snickering or join the bullies in tormenting the target. Often, the bullies are only doing to the victim what many bystanders wish they had the stones to do themselves. So, they get complete satisfaction in seeing someone else attack the target. Bystanders often hate the victim so much that they would defend a total stranger before protecting the victim they hate so intensely.
4. They don’t want to get involved. Many bystanders figure that it’s none of their business and choose not to get involved. These bystanders are so indifferent that they won’t even stop and watch. They will only pass by and keep going. They don’t care. Period.
Understand that bullies always perform in front of an audience to show their superiority, strength, and power. Bystanders who do nothing to stop the attacks only silently support and encourage the bullies. These bystanders are just as guilty as the psycho bullies who perpetuate the attacks.
Often, bystanders either don’t understand or underestimate the power they have, especially in large numbers. When witnesses speak up for the target, the bullies will likely stop and leave the target alone.
With knowledge comes empowerment!
It doesn’t just apply to bullying alone. It took the death of one Kitty Genovese back in the 60s to reveal the dark truth about why bystanders opt to avoid getting involved.
I totally agree, Monch. And I read about the Kitty Genovese incident a few years back and was floored by it!
mdr
Thank you.
I also agree 👍
Wonderful
Thank you so much. 🙂
Most welcome
😊😊😊
Hi Cherie
Every point you make is a valid point. I’ve never been a victim of physical bullying but there was verbal bullying because of my ethnicity and weight and was laughed at in the office by not only the bully but other colleagues too. The comment was laughing at how I could be a “fat vegetarian”
My brother was bullied in his class by the teacher and humiliated info t of the whole class by being made to stand on the desk and sometimes caned for being late or not producing homework. And I got caned in the canteen behind the counter by the same teacher for breaking the rules of queuing after sports class. This was in Uganda and the work bullying was in the UK.
I’m so sorry you were bullied at work and school. Verbal bullying is bad too because it beats you up on the inside. I’m also sorry your brother was bullied by a teacher. You’d think adults would know better.
That is horrendous.. My heart truly goes out to you.. Those people should be deeply ashamed.
It was a long long time ago when these things, even in GB were common. The 50’s to 70’s , growing up in Uganda, were hard, but the happiest. The “bullying” was not a word that ever came up in any conversation. These things were taken as “normal”.
Absolutely right. 💯 Bullying was considered a normal right of passage that all kids went through. However, not all kids endured it. It’s was only a handful amd there was nothing about it that was “normal.” It was only an excuse that people copped out behind.
Yes luckily things are changing its why we need to speak out. Stay strong.
🙂 <3
There are third world countries where people in authority use their power to bully the meek and poor. And school bullying by teachers and head teachers is so prevalent, it’s dis-heartening.
That makes sense. In third world countries, bullies know they can get away with that kind of thing.
An important expose of the reality of bullying. As a former victim I recognised a lot of this blog post.
Thank you so much, Alan. My heart goes out to you for the bullying you suffered. You didn’t deserve it and you didn’t “bring it on yourself,” like some many people like to tell targets of bullying. I hope that you found peace and happiness later.
I think it is times like that when you find out who your true friends and family are. Maybe we just don’t have the maturity when we are young but none of us have that many true friends. Even the most popular kids, a lot of it is on a shallow, superficial level. Watch out for those that claim they are your friend in private but in public join along with the crowd or stand back and watch a so called friend get tortured. And if you are a person of character sometimes you have to get involved.
Bingo on everything you mentioned here! You don’t know who your friends are until the chips are down or you begin speaking out and standing in your truth!
I must admit that I spent the first 11 years of my life as a bully at school. I had very few friends because of it. I’m not trying to use this as an excuse, but I know now that I was acting out the bullying and abuse that I was enduring at home to the other children that I was very jealous of. That said, I am also someone who stands up to bullies, often to my own peril. Maybe I am trying to atone for my earlier bullying sins, but I think I just can’t tolerate injustice and feel the need to stand up for any and all that are being mistreated.
Great points in your post, and I especially feel the memes about those that would rather film a sinking person than save them. A sad testament to the times, to be sure.
I really admire you for opening up about this, Peach. And I know exactly where you’re coming from. I too became a bully in high school after having been bullied for a few years. In my case, it came from feeling powerless and trying to take back some of the power that my bullies took from me. So, I understand completely. I too am very remorseful for my actions back then, and, like you, I stand up for targets now. Like me, you felt completely powerless because of the abuse you were suffering at home, so the bullying you inflicted on others was a way to take back some of that power. I’m so sorry you were abused. But I’m proud of you for realizing what you were doing, stopping the bullying, and opening up about it. That takes a lot of strength! You are very brave and you have my utmost respect! <3
Thank you. ❤ It is wonderful that we have enough self-awareness to recognise these things. I feel sorry for those that lack this ability. Opening up is a new venture, as I spent many years in silence of my abusers, and then of my shame. I am ready to unload now that I’m in my 40s, and feeling embarrassed or ashamed, of things that had nothing to do with me, has to stop now. I’m hopeful others’ may be encouraged to do the same. No point wasting anymore time. I’m sure your blog benefits many in this way. Keep up the great work!
You’re most welcome! And sweetie, you have a right to speak out! It’s hard for you to believe you have nothing to be ashamed of but believe it. You were never responsible for their behavior. Know that we support you and that we care. 💖💐🌹🦋
Feel free to delete this second comment if you like, haha. 🤦🏻♀️
Oh, gotcha! I was on the road today and I’m still trying to answer comments! I got a boatload of them! 😁😁😁
No doubt!
Thank you for being so honest.. This just goes to show its all about a struggle for power where someone feels they have none, that humanizes it.. And we all make mistakes the point is that we can grow and learn..
I couldn’t agree more.
Thank you! As long as we keep learning and heading in the right direction, we are doing all right.
Exactly! It’s progress and that’s all that matters.😊🤗
Thars is the most important thing and understanding when our own blind spots get in the way. ❤
You got that right, girl! <3
Exactly!
This is why i go ballistic at funny video shows.. laughing at someone being hurt.. My ex did this and then tried to paint me a crazy thing for not joining in the fun. I am so glad I held my ground. he broke up with me in the end as I was so defecitive!! NOT!!
I’ve never liked those types of shows either. Empathy is a very strong and important trait, unfortunately to truly learn it you’ve likely had to go through some hard times yourself.
So true especially if you had parents who also could not show it due to their own diffucult background. You sharing this helped me understand something that’s always troubled me. Thank you so much. 🌹
You’re so welcome. It absolutely tickles me that this is helping you to regain your confidence! <3
I am sure your blog is helping a lot of people Cherie.
Thank you so much! I believe so too and I’m so thankful! <3
🌈🕊🙏
Agreed. What a wonderful honour! I’m glad to hear it and the pleasure is mine. 🥰
It really is brave of you to say it! Indeed, the ones who bully have often been bullied or have faced that they try to hide behind that mask of bravado. They need to take out that anger and frustration that is boiling inside their heart. I am glad that you realise it and now see it differently.
And true, standing up for someone being bullied and also intervening the one who is bullying can help so much.
You’re spot on! If we knew then what we knew now, we would have aligned with the other targets and protected them instead of bullying them and we realize it now. And that’s all that matters. 😊🤗
And may be we can as a community help the ones who need it the most.
Thank you for your series on bullying, I am sure it helping so many people. 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words! 🙂
Isn’t she brave! I love her honesty and strength! 💖
😍
Thank you so much. 😊 All we can do is learn from our experiences and do better, at least that should always be the goal.
Absolutely! And more power and strength to you 🙂
😀
Sadly, those who stand around, watching an injustice occur and are complicit are just as guilty for doing nothing, when they can do something. Sometimes, folks think that because it’s not happening to them, it’s not their problem. Oh, how mistaken they are. Very good post Cherie my dear! 🤗💖🥰
Thank you so much, Kym! Amd I agree because, when it happens to them, and it will, they will want someone to help them! 💯🎯👀👀👀👀
Girl, don’t you know it!!! Uh, huh!!! 👍🏼💯💃🏼
💐🌹🕊
Brilliant My nephew is a bully I stormed out one day when he was laughing at someone vulnerable it made my stomach seize up.. I am only now seeing how he has bullied my sister this entire time.. This post as made it so clear to me…