Tag: bystander effect

bystander effect

6 Sure Signs Someone is Having Their Strings Pulled

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Believe it or not, it’s easy to tell when someone is being controlled. If you pay attention, you’ll always know if a person you know is being told what to say, what not to say, what to do, and what not to do.

If you are a target of bullying, you more than likely suffer at the request of a powerful ringleader. You may have had friends and allies at first, but you’ve found that slowly, those friends and allies have only disappeared and now, you have no one left who will associate with you, much less help you.

Do you know why? It’s because your bullies have gotten to them somehow. They have either threatened to retaliate and harm them if they have any more to do with you, or they may have given them good incentives to turn against you- social and financial perks, promotions, rewards, etc.

So, how can you tell when a person is compromised?

1. They flip-flop back and forth. This person will say whatever they’re told to say and that often means they have to flip-flop. They say one thing, then later say the opposite. They say whatever they think will benefit them, or, at least, keep them out of hot water.

 2. They say anything they think people want to hear no matter how irrational and stupid they may sound. Again, this goes back to flip-flopping and bullies do change narratives often, so, the puppet must change with their puppet-masters and handlers if they want to stay in their good graces.

 3. They go with whatever the prevailing narrative or belief is. These people will fall in line quick. You can always tell a follower because they stay in lock step with your bullies. They quote whatever quote is popular, say whatever is popular, wear whatever the bullies are wearing, and act however they must, in order to stay on the bandwagon. In short, they’re a bunch of wannabes trying haplessly to fit into the bullies’ world of morals and standards.

 4. They’re a chameleon. This person will behave one way around this person and another way around that person. Understand that this person has no personality of their own. They change personalities like a model changes clothes.

 5. They can’t think for themselves. Again, these people never think for themselves. They only flex and bend to anything others tell them. They’ve been sucked into the group-think. God help them if they ever had an original thought. Or worse, took a stand (gasp!).

 6. They’re easily led and influenced. Life must really suck if you need someone to hold your hand in order to make decisions and choices. But some people would rather be controlled than to go out on a limb and choose for themselves.

They’re under the belief that it’s better to have security than to have freedom. That freedom and independence are too risky because they just might fail!

It’s true that being your own person involves a lot of risk. To be independent and have your own thoughts and opinions will invite the risk of failure and the enmity of a few others. But understand that anyone who doesn’t like you because you prefer to be yourself is more than likely a controlling person- an abuser, a bully, a narcissist. That’s right. Only people who like to control others hate those who are independent and who think for themselves.

stupid idiot

So, why would you want to please those types of people? Why would you want to have a puppet-master? Understand that only objects have owners. And you’re not an object, you’re a person with your own thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs. Keep it that way!

If you’re a target of bullying and your friends and allies have turned their backs on you, it’s best that you have nothing more to do with them and find new friends outside of the bullying environment.

You don’t want friends who are sheep and too weak to have your back when the chips are down. Trust me on that one. You want strong friends and allies- people who aren’t too chicken to have your back and are more than happy to go to bat for you. That’s what real friends do!

You want the types of friends who are hard to find, not those who are a dime a dozen. Know that you deserve better!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

A Few More Reasons I Won’t Go to My High School Reunion

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“Madness is the exception in individuals but the rule in groups.” – Nietzche

It’s because of a thing called “group behavior.”

It’s a fact that school bullies rarely get over the passionate hatred of their targets once they graduate and meet them again in the real world later. My old bullies are no exception. They may not admit it to anyone other than each other, but it’s still there- simmering under the surface. Not that I’m concerned about how they feel because I could care less. As long as they stay away from me, they can feel, think, and say whatever and however, they want. It’s of no concern to me.

What would concern me is that going to the next reunion would put me in physical danger. And let’s face it. People act much differently in large groups than they do on their own. In groups, humans will do things they usually wouldn’t do, and they’ll do it for the sole purpose of conforming.

Understand that a high school reunion will have at least fifty to a hundred people in attendance. And the bigger the group, the more compelled the people in it will be to conform.

For example: If twenty out of a hundred classmates attending this reunion decide to jump me, or even kill me, you can bet that for obvious reasons, none of those who stand by and watch would do a thing to help me. They probably wouldn’t so much as run and call for help.

Out of their loyalty for each other and hatred for me, the attendees would, more than likely, let me die. I wouldn’t put it past them. No way would they risk conflict and the possibility of being ostracized by the rest of the class. To be another, “usurper” like me. No way they would.

They’re  didn’t years ago, and they wouldn’t do it today. It doesn’t matter how much older we are. They would value their status within the class more than they would the life of a person they never deemed a human being.

And people like them figure that if no one stops them, it can’t be wrong. Bystanders have a ton of influence. So, when they turn a blind eye to wrongdoing, they’ll likely become participants in it at some point. My classmates like each other and have a lot in common. And the one thing they share is their collective resentment and hate of certain people they decided weren’t worthy of human dignity. Therefore, this would only cement their collusion.

So, why would I even consider going? Going to this reunion would be suicide, and I value myself and my life way too much to put myself in that kind of danger.

The more people present when an emergency strikes, the more likely they’ll only ignore it. Any altruism they have will, more than likely, fly out the window when a person is a part of a large group. Even if cellphones have made it easier to call for help, we’ve seen video after video of vicious beatings and other crimes against fellow humans, where bystanders only stood around, laughed, and filmed the attack rather than use their phones to call for help.

Given the feelings of anger and resentment my classmates still have thirty years later, I wouldn’t put it past them to pull out their phones and begin filming in the event some of them attacked me. It’s precisely the mentality the majority of them still have, and it’s sad.

And most adults aren’t mature adults in this day and age. Adults today aren’t the adults of the ’70s, ’80s, or ’90s. Many of today’s adults, 55 and younger, have no morals nor integrity. The world today is much more evil, and many people have let hatred and immaturity overtake them because, in the current climate, it’s easier to survive in today’s world if you go along.

It’s hard to go high when everyone else goes low. Few people want to be the square peg in a group of round ones because it’s much too risky.

And many of my classmates may not think they’d stand back and watch another human being getting pulverized. After all, we all want to believe we’d do the right thing. But human nature is a fickle thing, and the compulsion to conform to a group is more potent than we realize.

Be good enough to forgive someone, but don't be stupid enough to trust them again. forgiveness

This kind of stuff has happened too many times down through history- others looked the other way while the most brutal of atrocities were being committed.

This is not to say for absolute certain that they would resort to physically harming or killing another person because they may not. But there’s no way I can know for sure. And given all this, especially their past behavior, I’m not willing to take that chance. So, the best thing to do is to ensure my safety by avoiding them altogether.

So, if you were a target of bullying in school and you know for a fact that your classmates never resolved their hatred of you, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to go to any reunions, much less bring your spouse and kids to one. Sometimes distance is the safest bet.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Harsh Truths about Bystanders and Witnesses of Bullying

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bystander effect

You not only never forget the bullies, but you also remember the people who were there- the people who had the power to help you but did nothing. Many times, the bystanders who saw it never tried to intervene and stop the attacks, nor did they speak up on my behalf.

As much as I hate to say it, I was guilty of the same thing. When I watched a few others get bullied, I said and did nothing, thinking that my voice wouldn’t make a difference if I did speak up. Other times, I was just damn glad that, for a change, I wasn’t the one targeted and that it was someone else taking heat for a change.

For this, I am very remorseful and would like to apologize to all the other targets I left to fend for themselves. I’m truly sorry.

Bullying Poster Concept Illustration bystanders

Here are the reasons bystanders do nothing to help a target of bullying:

1. They’re afraid of arousing the bullies’ anger and becoming the next target. No one wants to be a target of bullying. I get that. Many bystanders fear getting involved, and for good reasons. However, many bystanders do have some power because they’re high on the social hierarchy.

And the higher you are in the pecking order, the more weight your actions and words carry. So, why not use your power to help the target? Because if you’re extremely popular, the chances are that other bystanders will follow your lead and join you, and the bully will leave the victim alone. There’s strength in numbers.

2. The bystanders see the bullies’ torment of the target as entertainment. Bullies always bully in front of an audience to humiliate the target. During altercations between bullies and targets, bystanders immediately gather around to watch it go down.

Most bystanders then stand around, laughing and pointing fingers. Many of them cheer and egg the bully on, stirring it up to get more entertainment, all of which only encourages the bully to continue and even escalate the abuse.

As long as it isn’t them getting dogged out or having their brains beat in, most bystanders think it’s funny to see it happen to someone else.

Silhouette of two hands with smartphones, shoot a video on a sinking person’s hand, asking for help. The concept of a selfish society, a social problem

It’s the reason that instead of helping the target, bystanders will automatically whip out their smartphones and record the confrontation. They can then watch it later, send the film to their friends, and have another big laugh over it.

But! It’s not the least bit funny to the target. It’s painful and humiliating. It can be devastating to a victim who has already been a target of bullying for an extended time and can drive them over the edge.

3. The bystanders themselves either dislike or hate the target. In many cases, bullies have run vicious smear campaigns and turned everyone against their victims. When an altercation finally breaks out, the bystanders refuse to help the target because they think she deserves the abuse. Many times, these bystanders secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing the target suffer.

They may stand around snickering or join the bullies in tormenting the target. Often, the bullies are only doing to the victim what many bystanders wish they had the stones to do themselves. So, they get complete satisfaction in seeing someone else attack the target. Bystanders often hate the victim so much that they would defend a total stranger before protecting the victim they hate so intensely.

4. They don’t want to get involved. Many bystanders figure that it’s none of their business and choose not to get involved. These bystanders are so indifferent that they won’t even stop and watch. They will only pass by and keep going. They don’t care. Period.

Understand that bullies always perform in front of an audience to show their superiority, strength, and power. Bystanders who do nothing to stop the attacks only silently support and encourage the bullies. These bystanders are just as guilty as the psycho bullies who perpetuate the attacks.

Often, bystanders either don’t understand or underestimate the power they have, especially in large numbers. When witnesses speak up for the target, the bullies will likely stop and leave the target alone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How “Good People” Become Willing Participants in Bullying

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Even the best and kindest of people can help bullies to destroy a target. Oh yes! It’s true!

Many times, good people are either scared or duped into joining bullies in destroying targets. Understand that your bullies have either intimidated or lied to these people until they finally succeeded in turning them all against you.

What’s worse? These people really and truly do not believe they’re bullying you. They don’t see it as meanness and an attempt to cause another human being to suffer intense pain. People who willingly join with bullies and take part in torturing and tormenting another person do not think that what they’re doing is evil and sadistic. No.

What these people believe is that what they’re doing is good and morally right. Remember that you’ve been labeled immoral. Bullies have painted you as an evil adversary who needs to be punished.

Although the reality is that you’re totally innocent and wrongly persecuted, perceptions (opinions and attitudes) are everything, and bullies can easily distort others’ perceptions to fall in line with their narratives. And sadly, everything in life is based on appearances, and no one cares about what’s behind them.

Understand that, one by one, the “good” people will be sucked into the bullies’ smoke screens. And, one by one, they’ll join forces with the bullies in defeating “the evil enemy.”

These good people will gradually distance themselves from you. Then, little by little, they’ll join in the gossip and defamation of your character.

Again, these bystanders and witnesses don’t see what they’re doing as bullying. They genuinely believe that what they’re doing is a good thing- they’re only doing it for the greater good- the good of the school, alumni, and staff. They’re doing it for the sake of the company and people in it. They’re only showing loyalty and trustworthiness to the group. They’re heroes.

I want you to realize that this is how good people do bad things to innocent people. When this happens, the fact that you’re innocent and undeserving of the abuse and brutality just doesn’t come into it.

Also, understand that there are benefits that come with siding with a group against “the enemy” and few people will forgo those benefits.

With knowledge comes empowerment!