Category: abuse

Smear Campaigns In-Depth

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It always starts subtly. Bullies start rumors by dropping a suggestion. And all it takes is one little rumor- just one! Because people will want to believe it.

If enough people do, it will become the truth even if it is a bald-faced lie. And there’s no getting away from public opinion no matter how false or unjustified it is.

Bullies ruin targets by making things up, leaking info they hear, or spreading ideas. Next, the bullies will fade into the background because they know that with everything put together, the rumor or whatever lie they spread will stick. They’ve done their part, and now they can sit back and let the rumor mill do the work for them. It’s that easy!

Let’s break it down.

The bullies start by suggesting that the target would be better off if he/she got professional help, moved, etc . They will say that it’s for his (the target’s) own good.

They may then drop an offhand comment here and another there.

In the beginning, the target may have friends and be very well-liked. And these friends may try to support the victim and speak on his behalf, but that’s when the bullies will tell them, “Oh, no. There’s more to it than what he told you.” Or, the bullies may lie to the friends by telling them that sometime in the past, the target criticized them (the friends) or stabbed them in the back.

Now it’s time for the bullies to stand back and let the old rumor mill do its handiwork. And, sure enough, the lies become the truth. People begin reporting things to the bullies and higher-ups in the social hierarchy- even things that never happened.

And as the rumors and lies spread from person to person, the bigger they get until they sound so bizarre and outlandish they’d be fit for a horror movie.

The target might say, “Aw, but they’re my friends. They’d never do that to me. They know I’m a good person, and I have a clean reputation. All I have to do is tell them my side of things, and this stuff will go away.”

Wrong!

Once the rumors get around, the target’s friends will no longer believe him to be right. They’ll only think the victim is a thorn in the side with a big mouth. By the time bullying is underway, your reputation is no longer clean.

Now, everyone thinks the target never deserved any respect or friendship. The people around him also feel that the reason he was so well-liked is that he conned his way into their hearts.

They’ll say that the target put on a front, and he only weaseled his way into everyone’s good graces. The bullies and their followers may even accuse the victim of being a kiss-arse.

The target’s past wins, accomplishments, successes, or accolades will be made irrelevant. And every mistake and failure will be maximized, along with many more he didn’t make. At the same time, they’ll rewrite the victim’s history.

When you’re a target, even if others see with their own eyes evidence of your successes, friendships- anything positive, they’ll only react by claiming that you’re only a smooth-talker who’s darn good at using fake charm to manipulate others.

And the friends that your bullies turn against you? Your former friends will claim that they never liked you from the start and that they were only kind to you because they were afraid of you, felt sorry for you, or because you smooth-talked and conned them.

Your so-called friends will tell others, “who you really are.” They’ll claim that the bullies you bitched about were only reacting to your sneaky provocations, and if they ever agreed with you about your bullies, they only did so because you fooled them into it.

And telling your side of things will do no good because they’ll never believe it anyway. Your embittered friends “may have fallen for it at first,” but now they claim to “know better.”

I want you to understand that their minds are already made up and there’s no changing it.

In cases like these, it’s best just to find a way to get out of the environment altogether and never look back, and to never have anything to do with any of these people again. You owe it to yourself to kick them all to the curb.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here’s How Demonization Works

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I want you to realize that everything you say, good or bad, can be used against you in the court of public opinion if you are a target of bullying. So, please, don’t be confused or surprised when this happens as it will only further cloud your thinking and cause you not to defend yourself properly.

If you are a target of bullying, EXPECT the following:

1. Any joke you tell, no matter how funny it may be, will be considered unfunny.

2. Any self-deprecating humor will be seen as your having no self-confidence or being mentally unstable.

3. Any sarcasm will be taken literally.

4. Any casual comments such as, “I would love to have been able to sleep in this morning,” will be taken as your admitting you planned to be absent from school or work today and are complaining about having to come in. They will accuse you of either being a lazy bum or so depressed that you found it difficult to get out of bed.

5. Any positive statements or compliments will be seen as kissing up or an attempt to score points with the recipient.

6. Any self-confidence and good self-esteem will be perceived as being pompous, arrogant, and full of yourself.

7. Refusing to talk to your bullies and their minions or to answer any gotcha questions, though justified, will be deemed as your being “too good to speak” or having something to hide.

8. If you smile, they’ll think you’re plotting something.

9. If you’re happy, you must’ve done something evil.

In short, when you are a target of bullying, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be able to prepare for the attacks and to either properly counter them or to make your escape to a better environment.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Observing the People Around You: 4 Things to Watch Out For

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Antique books with magnifying glass. Old leather bound vintage books in a row

In life, we must always observe the goings-on around us. That means watching people and, most of all, being good at people-watching.

You cannot afford to walk around blindly. It would be best if you watched people for a while before you connect with them. This isn’t cowardly. It’s smarts.

‘Not saying you should stare a hole through anyone. Little micro-glances and using your peripheral vision is enough and will tell you a lot about the kinds of personalities that surround you.

Also, listen carefully to everything and every word spoken around you. Most of all, listen to your gut instinct. Pay attention to the vibes people put out because energy never lies, and neither does your body. You always feel bad vibes in your body.

Just pay attention period. You’ll be surprised at how quickly and easily you pick out the bullies in an environment.

Watch how people carry themselves. Notice their facial expressions, their dispositions, the way they dress, their eyes, everything. Listen to the tone of their voices and how they talk. Pay attention to their posture.

Do this for about a month before attempting to get friendly, and you’ll know who to avoid. As a reminder, here are some red flags to watch out for.

1. Are they gossips? You’ll know a gossiper within five minutes when you observe one and overhear them talk. If you hear them talk about someone else, you can be sure they will talk about you too, just give them time. It’s best to avoid people such as these.

2. Are they nosey? These types of people will ask you a ton of questions, and they’re not ashamed to ask those that are personal. Understand that they’re not interested in you or your life. They’re only trying to get juicy information to spread about you later. Again, get away from these types. And don’t walk, run!

3. Are they aggressive? Don’t have anything to do with these types, especially! Because you’re likely to get hurt if you fall on their bad side. Why even take the chance? It isn’t worth it.

4. Are they clingy and desperate for human connection? Trust me. You want nothing to do with these types, either because they can be so annoying. Ewww! I realize that it’s what some people do when they’ve endured bullying and abuse, and my heart goes out to them. However, you must look out for yourself and put yourself first. It’s not that you don’t want to be friends with this person, and it’s not that you mean to hurt their feelings. But there’s a problem when a person wants to be right up under you all the time and doesn’t give you a little space to breathe.

Being observant of others around you can help you avoid many dangerous people and uncomfortable situations. Some might notice your distancing and say that you’re too quiet or anti-social, but in saying so before they get to know you, they only reveal themselves as possible gossips and troublemakers. So, all the better for you.

The more you know…

Mobbing is The Worst Kind of Bullying

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Mobbing is bullying by large groups- it is a form of violence where either a vast majority of or whole of alumni in a school, a workforce in a workplace, a(n) entire organization, or community collectively harass and attack a single targeted individual. The mob often act under the influence of a ringleader or someone in a position of power. Mobbing almost always happens out of retaliation against a long-bullied target who became fed-up with the disrespect and cruelty and finally spoke out about or did something about it.

Mobbing has other names as well: Collective Bullying or Mass Bullying.

Remember that bullies and their followers expect the target to stay quiet about the abuse- even demand that he bow down to and submit to it. And when a targeted individual finally has enough and asserts his right to be treated as a human being, the bullies will punish him with mobbing.

Here’s a description of mobbing:

A large group of people (or mob) targets a person who opened his mouth about the bullying and abuse, and they become increasingly aggressive, and the number of attackers against the target grows until the targeted person is completely alone and stripped of power.

Group aggression, or collective bullying, serves to reinforce a shared negative view of the targeted person regardless of the victim’s prior value or reputation. As vicious gossip circulates throughout the environment about the target, destructive labels and damaging accusations will ensue and only isolate the target.

The mob will expand to include several teachers and school staff, or managers on many levels and large numbers of students or coworkers. People who are often peaceful and kind are encouraged to resent or hate the targeted person. A bully in power directs them to gossip about the person and to mistreat and bully him. Even the sweetest, most compassionate people can suddenly become mean and nasty.

And, one by one, the entire student body, workplace, or community judges, slanders, and accuses the target of one thing after another, and after another.

Understand that, in these cases, those who are generally good, kind people won’t see themselves as mean or as participants in bullying but rather, as defenders against an (alleged) evil enemy.

They view their own atrocious behavior as justified and necessary because to see themselves as bullying participants goes against their sense of decency.

Understand that people will always act differently when they’re in a group. Always! Because they feel they must conform. Also, understand that once bullying escalates to mobbing, it’s nearly impossible to stop.

And the reason why it’s the most damaging to a target is that he quickly loses support as more and more people jump on the hate bandwagon, until everyone avoids, defames, and blames the mark for any tiny thing that goes wrong.

School staff, the management, or community authorities then close ranks, thereby eliminating any help or escape from the abuse.

Sadly, there isn’t much you can do once the violence has escalated to this point. But in the next post, I will talk about mobbing in more detail. I’ll talk about the steps, stages, and signs that bullying is heading toward mobbing and how you can name it, describe it and raise your chances of heading the bullying off before it gets that far.

Rumors and Lies Breed False Memories

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As rumors and lies circulate, details are included and added to the stories, and these details have a way of being inserted into people’s memories. There have been cases of burglaries where the homeowners “thought they saw” an unarmed burglar with a gun when, in fact, there was no gun.

Understand that in these cases, people don’t lie on purpose. They really and truly believe they saw a gun in the criminal’s hand or his pocket. They actually “remember” seeing it.

And the reason they remember it so plainly is that they’ve heard and talked about it so much their brains filled in the blanks with the details based on what they heard. Another reason for false memories is that when bullies ask questions such as,

“Did you see her do this?”

“Did you hear him say that?”

they only suggest that she did do this, or he did say that- the Power of Suggestion at work.

It’s so easy to influence people’s memories by presenting something in a particular way. Also, the memory will adjust itself according to a person’s stereotypes and expectations. People see what they expect to see.

Too often, people’s memories depend on social expectations- what they expect the target to do and not what he is actually doing.

Understand that memories are mistakable and can be falsified. Sure. And whether accurate or make-believe, once it becomes a memory, there’s no way to tell the difference.

If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to realize that this does happen and that you must make preparations accordingly to protect yourself better.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Reasons Why Ignoring Bullies Won’t Make Them Go Away

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I cannot count the times I was advised by both family members and teachers to “just ignore them.” – to ignore my bullies and their guff. However, when I took that advice, I found out that it only made the situation worse.

They only escalated their attacks. Ignoring bullies is a slap in the face to them because they’re about taking power any way they can. When you ignore them, you proverbially thumb your nose at them. You send them the message that you refuse to bow down to them or let them scare you. This is not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. You’re handling it the best way you can and that makes you the better person.

But the problem is that when you ignore the bullies, one of two things happen:

1. It only infuriates the bullies. They become much more determined to “get you.” And they won’t stop until they do. I want you to realize that if bullies can’t get any reaction out of you, they will push you and push you until you snap. They will then claim that you are mentally imbalanced. Or they might physically attack you.

2. Bullies mistake your ignoring them for fear. Bullies are like a pack of wolves. If they even think they smell fear, look out! Anytime bullies think you’re afraid of them, they know they have you and they move in for the kill. They’ll bully just for fun and the power rush they get from your (perceived) fear. And they won’t stop because they won’t be able to get enough of that power high. Understand that the high they get is no different than a drug. Once they’re addicted to bullying you, they’ll always come back when that rush wears off and they need another fix.

It’s much better to stand up to them and set boundaries from the start. Never let it go one for long without asserting yourself. Look the bullies in the eyes and tell them in no uncertain terms that you’re the wrong one and that you won’t tolerate their crap. If you take a stand right when the harassment begins, chances are good that they’ll back off and go find someone else to jerk around.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Number One Indicator A Bully is Guilty of Something

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How do you know a bully is guilty of something?

Easy! They’re busy accusing someone else of it.

Bullies are notorious for projecting. Anything they accuse you of doing, you can bet dollars to doughnuts they’re doing it. Put another way, bullies do the same things they accuse innocent targets of doing. Understand that this is how they tell off on themselves.

There’s so much truth to the saying that, any time you point a finger, there are always three pointed back at you.

Humans can never know the inner workings of anyone else but themselves. They see from their own perspectives and speak from their own thoughts and attitudes. It is why most cheating spouses will often accuse the other spouse of doing the cheating. Every wife or husband who’s ever been cheated on knows that this is a red flag that’s all too common.

Realize that any time you have some schmuck accusing you of something terrible that you know in your heart you’re not guilty of, the chances are high that your accuser(s) is/are the one(s) guilty of it. Projection is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

blame accuse pointing finger

Remember the quotes of Joseph Goebbels, a well-known propaganda minister:

“Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.”

And…

“A lie told once remains a lie. A lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.”

So, understand that when bullies project, they’ll repeat the same lie over and over again until people (even you if you aren’t careful) begin believing it.

The more you know!

Bullies Who Use Doublespeak

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Bullies are slick with their insults. Many times, they may disguise their vitriol and contempt with the use of doublespeak.

The term “doublespeak” comes from George Orwell’s book “1984” and a person uses it when he uses euphemisms and words that sound more palatable to the ears. Bullies use doublespeak to sound concerned rather than hateful to keep from turning other people off.

For example:

A bully is degrading and defaming their target. But rather than being blunt and saying,

“I can’t stand him, he’s batshit crazy and he belongs in the nuthouse!” the bully will instead say,

“I’m very concerned about him. I think he has a mental imbalance somewhere that hasn’t been addressed. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

The first version would make the bully sound like the person she truly is- a nasty old shrew! The second version sounds so much better and makes the bully look like a good person who’s genuinely concerned for the target.

Here’s another example:

A bully is putting her neighbor down. But rather than say,

“I’d like to catch her in the street and beat the living crap out of her and leave her to die!” which would make the bully sound like a vindictive and hateful bitch, she says,

“If she doesn’t change her attitude, I’m afraid someone’s going to hurt her really bad!”

Again, the second version sounds so much better because it shows concern rather than hatred for the target and it also makes the target look like she must be bringing the bad treatment on herself.

It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it and the nonverbal communication you use with it that makes all the difference. It’s too easy to bully someone without looking like a bully!

Believe it or not, if you’re a target, you know when you’re being bullied no matter how covert your bullies may be. The trick is to call it out in the early stages before the sneaky attacks become a habit or a set pattern.

Never let anyone grow too comfortable with abusing you. Once they do, the abuse will escalate until it  gets so out of control that people won’t even try to hide it! And that’s when you will be in grave danger!

Again! Call it out in the early stages. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put a stop to it!

The One Thing That Gets Targets of Bullying in The Most Trouble

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Overreacting. Any overreactions to the taunts, insults, and attacks of bullies only bring more problems targets would otherwise avoid if they stayed calm. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson through time-consuming trial and error, and it could’ve gotten me either maimed or killed. But you don’t have to.

Overreacting can have a boomerang effect because when you get overly excited, the chances are that the bullies will too- especially bullies who are overly aggressive. Overdoing the response could cause the altercation to escalate into something you may not be able to walk away from. Also, the bullies could use your overreaction against you.

The target’s overreaction is how bullies feign victimhood and make the victim look like the aggressor. It’s how bullies bait their victims. So why not use a different strategy?

Chess board and text “Strategic plan” Business planning concept

The smart thing to do is to fake a surrender or submission. Make it look as if you’re giving in to your bullies’ demands. I realize this may feel a bit cowardly to you, but you aren’t caving in, you’re only making your bullies think you are. So, remain calm and make them believe they have the upper hand. Doing so will stabilize the bully’s temper.

But wait! There’s another benefit! Your bullies more than likely expect or even want you to react with a high degree of aggression. But you don’t, and it will throw them off guard. It will surprise, even shock your bullies, because you remained calm and agreed with them. The surprise is a powerful weapon if you know how to use it.

Use your fake surrender as part of a bigger plan once you fool them into thinking you care. On the inside, you continue to stand your ground, but on the outside, you give in to their desires. Doing so can give you time to quietly plan a countermeasure that will bring the bullies down. Smarts will always trump aggression every time!

However, understand that this takes a truckload of self-discipline and self-control. And, as mentioned earlier, you may feel like a big old wimp when you use this technique. Just remember this: You’re not giving the bullies what they want. You only look like you are. You’re only playing dead to save your life!

Here’s a third benefit. By faking your submission, you also allow yourself time to study your bullies and carefully plot any future moves. And when the bullies are satisfied and lay off you, you’ll finally have room to make your countermove.

So, go ahead—fake your submission. Get close to your bullies and learn their ways. Give them no reason to react, nothing to prepare for, and no cause for resistance. Then when the time is right, BAM!

They won’t know what hit them.

Any time you make it look as if you submit to your bullies, you’re only mocking them. It’s silent disdain – like expelling a silent fart in their direction, only they don’t know they’ve been farted on.

You turn their own power against them and make them look like idiots. But they can’t retaliate because you did what they told you to do. Right?

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here’s What it Means to Begin Seeing Your Worth

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It means refusing to stay around people who don’t.

It means eliminating drama from your life.

It means not settling for less than you deserve.

It means having the willingness to be alone rather than to put up with shoddy treatment.

It means loving yourself enough to know when it’s time to walk away.

It means not caring what others think or say of you.

It means embracing the dislike of a few people who don’t matter anyhow.

It means letting go of toxic people, even if we love them, and not being concerned with the outcome.

It means having the guts to say “no” and saying it without guilt.

It means being nit-picky of the people you let in your life.

It means being a bitch when the situation calls for it.

It means not feeling guilty about putting yourself first and being a little selfish.

It means giving yourself a margin for error- allowing yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them.

It means not being afraid to fail.

It means embracing the good, bad, and downright ugly parts of yourself.

It means being comfortable in your skin.

But most of all, it means freedom! The freedom to be human! And to celebrate yourself!

You Can Learn a Lot from a Bully: 10 Life Lessons Learned for Being a Target of Bullying

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You would be amazed at what you can learn from bullies. This may sound a bit strange to some, but bullies can teach us so much about human nature and the evils of the world. Although they can hurt us, they can also teach us some of the most powerful lessons.

Here’s what bullies and bullying taught me.

1. That everyone, including the bully, has problems. Bullies always put on a front of having a perfect life. They use arrogance and cockiness to mask their feelings of hurt, insecurity, and inferiority. Many of my bullies had alcoholic fathers, drug-addicted mothers, fathers who cheated on or beat their mothers, or single mothers who had a different man in her bed every night. Many had parents who neglected or abused them, and others had an older sibling who bullied them. Several had a parent dealing drugs, a parent in and out of jail, or were sexually abused. So, is it any wonder most of my classmates were so full of pee and vinegar?

 

2. How to spot a liar or fake. If you’ve dealt with bullies and bullying long enough, you learn very quickly how to spot liars and fakes before you even talk to them. And you learn it because your survival depends on it.

3. To grow a thick skin. Have you ever noticed how redundant bullies are? Have you noticed how they repeat the same stupid insults, taunts, and negative statements over and over again? It’s true that the crap they talk can hurt and hurt badly. However, they can repeat the same rubbish so much and for so long that, after a while, it loses its effectiveness and potency. Then it just gets boring and your bullies can become one big yawn.

4. Empathy and compassion for others. When you know what it is to be a target of bullying and alone. It teaches you empathy and compassion for others- especially the underdog who is downtrodden. You’ll more likely reach out and protect those who are bullied because you were there, and you can’t stand the thought of anyone else enduring such pain.

 

5. The evils humans are capable of and their predatory nature. Having been a target of bullying will teach you this if nothing else! Anytime you’re a target of bullying, you can end up seeing the darkest side of humanity possible if you’re unlucky enough- things that people who aren’t targets would never see. And they will be things you won’t forget.

6. To never take anyone for granted. I’m no longer a victim of bullying and I have such an awesome family and the most positive and fun circle of friends you’d ever want to meet. But because I know what it is to be a target of bullying and to be excluded and isolated, I don’t take my familial relationships or friendships for granted. I make it a point to be loyal to all of them and to stand behind them when the chips are down. I consider my family, blood, and non-blood, wonderful blessings to my life and I cherish all of them.

7. To appreciate the people in your life. Again, I value all my family and closest friends and I appreciate the qualities they bring to my life. Words cannot express how blessed I am to know them and to have them in my life.

 

8. To take care of, value, and love yourself. I learned the hard way that if you don’t love yourself, no one else will either. I make it a point to take care of myself and to treat myself kindly. How do I treat myself kindly, you may ask? By how I allow others to treat me. By what I tolerate and the people I let in my life, and by not being afraid to walk away if a person doesn’t treat me well.

9. That’s it’s okay, and in your best interests, to say, “no.” If something (or someone) doesn’t feel right to me, I no longer hesitate to say “no” and I do it guilt-free. I now know that saying “no” is saying “yes” to my rights and my dignity and that’s the best feeling ever!

10. To stand up for the underdog. Because you know what it’s like to be mistreated, you wouldn’t want to see anyone else endure what you have. So, you take the opportunity to be someone’s hero and friend for life. This is one of the greatest lessons bullying can teach you.

11. It sharpened my BS detector.

If you were ever a victim of bullying, it more than likely did the same for you. This is not to say that abuse of any form is a good thing because no one should ever be bullied. Ever! However, though painful and humiliating when it was happening, a bullied past has had its positive takeaways, one of which is my fine-tuned ability to smell bulls*** from a mile away.

Judging from my own experience and having heard stories of others who have endured the same, being a target of bullies has a way of giving you an almost psychic ability to see through people and detect true motives and intentions.

It allowed me to observe a large group of people, then spot and pick out the fakes and troublemakers at lightning speed and with accuracy. I don’t have to speak a word to anyone, only stand back and watch.

Just as a person who loses his sight experiences a much keener sense of hearing, a victim of bullying quickly grows the ability to read people like newspapers. Why? Out of sheer necessity. Many survivors can read body language like an FBI agent, deciphering the tiniest of micro-expressions. In fact, one can even pick up on the vibes others put out…especially negative ones.

 

When any certain skill is mandatory for your survival, nature gives you no choice but to quickly hon that skill and use it to near perfection.

I consider this sixth sense to be a gift. However, this gift came at a heavy price.

 

Being the object of bullies is never fun. But if you look for the lessons in it, it can teach you so much about the crazy world we live in, about the dark side of human nature, and that it’s of the utmost importance that you keep the faith, believe in yourself, love yourself enough to take care of yourself, appreciate the people who love you, and stand up for the people who aren’t able to defend themselves.

Know that you have the power to turn the abuse you suffer around for good and to turn the negatives into positives. Your pain can become your power! I guarantee it!

 

 

 

(redirect: 12 positive takeaways you can take from being bullied)

1. Empathy and Compassion for the underdog

2. Appreciation of your family, friends and all the fantastic people in your life

3. Clarity of what you will and will not tolerate

4. Determination to go after what you want in life

5. A Sharper BS Detector

6. A Mission to tell your story and speak out against injustice

7. A Realization of the importance of self-care, loving yourself, and being comfortable in your own skin.

8. A Desire to learn about human behavior and why people do what they do

9. The will to protect other targets of bullying

10. The Strength and willingness to get rid of toxic people and live life on your terms

11. The selectiveness of who you allow into your life

12. A better judge of character

You Should Never Try to Prove Yourself to a Bully

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Bullies don’t deserve for you to expend so much effort to prove anything to them. Why? Because they’re not worthy of your best. Only the people who truly love you, uplift you and are proud of the person you’re becoming deserve that. Only the people who have your back and are in your cheering section are worthy of the kind of work you put in.

‘You see? Bullies are the type of people who must have a target. They must have power over someone, anyone, or they end up feeling inadequate and useless (but aren’t they already?).

Bullies have an insatiable hunger for power. If they don’t have it, they feel as if they’ll go insane (Again, aren’t they anyway?)

If you’re a target of bullying and you try to prove yourself to those who could care less either way and whose only wish is to keep you down, you’ll be on an endless and futile quest. You’ll end up wasting precious time, which is time better spent focusing and working on you.

Understand that no one can prove themselves to a bully. It’s impossible because bullies only see the negative in others. They never have anything positive to credit anyone but themselves. In fact, the better, stronger, smarter, braver, and more awesome you are, the more threatened your bullies feel, and the more they attack you to tighten their grip on your life and keep you under their control and domination.

Bullies hate strength, they hate smarts, and they hate any positive quality in anyone else but them, especially if the other person’s good points surpass theirs. To a bully, control isn’t just about forcing you to do what they want, it’s about controlling your mind- your thoughts, attitudes, and preferences. It’s about controlling your life and having the power to ruin it.

It’s about having the power to break you and wear you down. Bullies get off on that power. And when you consistently bend over backward to prove yourself to them, all it does is show them that they still have power over you.

Because, if they didn’t already have it, you wouldn’t be trying so hard. In fact, you wouldn’t try at all because you wouldn’t give a crap what they thought.

Remember! You have nothing to prove to anyone other than yourself.

The more you know, the more empowered you are!

Believe It or Not, You Have the Power to Choose Whether to Accept or Reject the Labels

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If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to know that you have more power than you realize. You have a choice- a choice of whether to accept or reject your bullies’ labels and definitions of you.

I want to drum into your head this single truth: You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself!

Bullying hurts, no doubt about it. And you may have to suffer the pain of not being accepted. However, if you have the inner strength to reject the insults and name-calling, you’re already ahead of the game and least likely to be controlled by your bullies.

Understand that when bullies take it upon themselves to define you, what they’re doing is playing God because they’re claiming to know the unknowable. All they’re doing is pretending to know you better than you know yourself. The underlying message of the bullies is that they can read your mind and that they know your inner reality, when, in truth, no one knows that information but you and you alone.

Realize that when bullies define you, they purposely try to create a role of their own making in which to cast you. I can remember several roles my bullies handpicked for me and there were four of them.

  1. Crazy/mentally imbalanced
  2. A promiscuous whore
  3. An arrogant and uppity snob
  4. A lying, manipulative con-artist

Bullies desire to create your reality for you. But the truth is that they don’t have the power to do it. Only you possess that power. They may make you think they have that power, but they don’t and never will. They’re only fantasizing and creating a world of make-believe without realizing it. And the reason they do this is to wrest control and domination over you.

I want you to realize that no one can have power over you unless you give it to them.

  1. They cannot tell you what to do, say, feel, or believe.
  2. They cannot know your motivations and intentions unless you speak them aloud.
  3. They cannot know your wants, needs, and thoughts.

Those things are impossible for them because they’re not you!

When bullies attempt any of these “impossibles,” they may say things like:

  1. “You’re only trying to get attention.”
  2. “You’re just trying to make trouble.”
  3. “You’re just lying to keep from getting hurt.”
  4. “You’re only covering your ass.”
  5. “You’re just trying to kiss up and score brownie points.”
  6. “You’re only trying to get on everyone’s good side.”
  7. “You’re just jealous because no one likes you.”

Understand that when they tell you things like these, they are second guessing you and your feelings, thoughts, motives, and intentions. Again, they’re playing God because they are claiming to know your inner world, which is impossible for anyone who isn’t you to know. And they’re doing it to intimidate, control, and dominate you.

I’ll say again.

You choose whether to accept or reject this nonsense! Know that the only person who can truly define you is you. You are the sole owner of your self-definition.

And you don’t have to explain that power or prove it. It’s there. Remember my friend’s quote I cited in one of my earlier posts a few months back:

“To be insulted by you, I must first value your opinion.”

– T-Ronn Hicks –

If you don’t value your bullies’ opinions, or, in this case, their definitions of you, then you’ll choose to reject them and they’ll have no power nor control over how you feel about yourself, nor over your emotions. And you’ll be able to take the wind out of their sails!

So, roll your eyes and blow your bullies off with disdain and a scoff. And if the bully happens to be your boss, do it in your mind (LOL) because your thoughts are free. Make fun of their ridiculous definitions because they only show just how delusional they are. You can even walk off twirling your finger next to your temple.

And before long, they just might get bored, go away, and leave you alone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

It’s No Use Trying to Change Other People

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Many targets of bullying try so hard to get others to like them, only to drive them further away instead. It all boils down to this: You are trying to change them.

Don’t. Because you can’t. I say this because anytime you try to change someone, they will sense that and only double down. Stop thinking about them because they aren’t worth the extra time and energy.

And why would you want the approval of people who only use and abuse you? Why do you even want those people in your life? I want you to realize that anyone who bullies you is the last person who deserves a spot in your life.

Or you could look at it another way: Would you want another person to try and change you? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? You’d feel even more resentment toward the other person, wouldn’t you? I would.

No one wants to be force or made to feel compelled. Including you. Besides, your bullies are already trying to force you to feel bad about yourself. They’re already trying to exert control over you. Do you really want to crawl behind people like them? Yuck!

Instead of focusing on them, focus on yourself and your goals and dreams. Get busy doing you. Be a little selfish. This is the time when you should make it all about you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies and Narcissistic Entitlement

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Bullies of the narcissistic variety truly believe they’re better than and more important than anyone else. They believe the world revolves around them and owes them. They believe that they deserve better treatment. They think people should favor them and bow down to their every whim. They really have grandiose delusions of themselves, how others are supposed to treat them, and how the world is supposed to work.

Narcissistic bullies will take advantage of others and exploit their weaknesses for their benefit. They have no empathy and have no care how they hurt their targets. They pass unfair and ridiculous judgements on their targets, or anyone they deem inferior.

Narcissists have very fragile egos, and they feel threatened by anyone who outshines them in any way. They put up mental walls to keep threatening messages and info from penetrating their grandiose sense of self-importance and those walls are supported by the insults they hurl at their targets.

(Narcissism as a protective barrier)*

Narcissistic bullies can’t handle social rejection and they react fiercely to people they feel threatened by. Less than perfect evaluations send them into a fury. They protect and re-enforce their grandiose but fragile egos by criticizing any negative evaluations and feedback.

Many narcissistic bullies use grandiosity as a cover-up for their feelings of vulnerability, inadequacy, and incompetence. They’re deathly afraid that their shortcomings will be exposed, so, they hurl disparaging remarks and ugly names at others to distract others from their own flaws.

That’s why they need targets to project their own issues of insecurity, fear, and self-loathing. They are really quite pathetic when you stop and think about it.

It’s so easy to see why narcissists are so hateful and hurtful. They need to hurt people to feel better about themselves.

Normal people, especially confident people, don’t feel the need to constantly fire off zingers to intentionally hurt other people. Therefore, they don’t have to have a target because they have a healthy sense of self.

No. People who are truly confident and not narcissists like to get along with everyone and enjoy seeing others happy. They have a love for other people and empathy for those who are hurting.

While narcissists degrade others and need a target, healthy and confident people have a more favorable view of everyone, including people who are targets of bullying. Confident people who love themselves do not need to put others down.

On the other hand, a narcissist feels that the only way they can love themselves is to put others down- including those who aren’t necessarily a threat to their grandiose views of themselves.

Narcissists feel their value comes from having power, riches, good looks, and popularity. Whereas, confident people get theirs from having healthy relationships with the people who mean the most to them and from having positive experiences with them.

And these are the differences between narcissists and people who are truly confident.

With knowledge comes empowerment!