Category: bullying

Being Predictable Is Bad for Targets of Bullying

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Chess board and text “Strategic plan” Business planning concept

Being unpredictable can be your best weapon against bullies. Anytime you are predictable in a climate of bullying, you’re a sitting duck. Bullies will soon know what gets you upset, what will get you to fly off the handle and do something irrational and how to sabotage you socially and academically. You must be versatile if you expect to throw the bullies off-kilter.

Predictability is human nature. People are creatures of habit and have a need to see familiarity in the actions of others. If you’re a target of bullying, any predictability on your part will give your bullies the idea that they have control of you.

Understand that the reason bullies have so much power over you is that you’re too darn predictable. You make it too easy for them to predict what you’ll do. Because they’ve studied and picked up on your habits, they have the foreknowledge of what your reaction will be. And they’ll weaponize it every chance they get!

bullying strategy plan game table goal

But when you flip the script and begin deliberately exhibiting behavior that has no consistency and no objectives, you automatically throw your bullies for a loop! Take your unpredictable behavior up several notches and bullies will be intimidated.

Now. Before I go on, let me mention that here’s one good thing about your predictability- you’ve gotten your bullies so used to your patterns that you’ve lulled them off to sleep, which will make any versatility on your part all the more powerful once you start deliberately changing your reactions to their attacks.

So, here goes:

If you’re a target of bullying, you want to make it look you have no clear strategy. You must scramble your behavior patterns and your reactions to confuse the bullies if you want them to back off. And when you do, not only will it confuse them, it’ll scare the stupid out of them!

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I’ll use a scenario with one of my old classmates as an example:

Just two years ago, Carol, one of my old classmates, attacked me online after she found out that I was collaborating with a producer out of New York on a screenplay adaptation of my first published book.

Let me start by saying that we hadn’t seen each other since high school. Back then, I was quiet, shy and timid girl, but with a hair-trigger temper when I was pushed too far. That’s how Carol had remembered me.

And had she verbally attacked me back then, I either would’ve walked away from her without saying anything back to her, or, on a bad day, I would’ve fought fire with fire- screaming back at her, cursing her out and calling her every name but a child of God.

This time, I did neither. As you’ll see in the screenshots below, I reacted in a way she never expected me to.

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Carol expected me to fly off the handle, have a moment of sheer stupidity, and counter-attack with the same vitriol and craziness she dished out to me first. Then she could have used my counter-attack against me and made me look like the instigator. That’s exactly what she had plans to do, and I knew it.

However!

Instead of reacting, I responded.

I remained calm and told her how it was without name-calling, without cursing, and without using all caps. And boy! Did it throw her into a hissy fit! Carol literally FREAKED! ‘Had a complete meltdown online as she sent me hateful message after hateful message. I happily took screenshots and outed her all over social media before finally blocking her.

By reacting in a way I knew she never expected, I threw her off balance and not only instilled fear, but induced panic and rage in her. I shook her up so much so that she couldn’t think clearly nor rationally. She stumbled, making blunder after blunder.

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In being unpredictable, I forced her to give me the goods I needed to expose her with. She fell face-first into the trap I calmly laid for her, and I have to admit. Outsmarting her felt soooo good! Carol played right into my hands and didn’t realize her mistake until after she’d calmed down. But by then, it was too late. Carol had made herself look like a complete lunatic and had I acted as she had, I would’ve looked just as nutty as she did.

‘You see? When you deliberately respond in ways your bullies don’t expect, you throw them off-kilter and force them to react out of fear, confusion, even anger. And when a person reacts out of pure emotion, they make a truckload of mistakes, blunders, and gaffes, then end up making a colossal fool of themselves.

Even better, after I exposed Carol online, many other old classmates, out of loyalty to her, came to her defense and attacked me the same way she had. Although they knew that she was in the wrong and that she’d attacked me without provocation, their loyalty to their old high school buddy was much stronger than their sense of right and wrong.

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Carol’s, brother, sister and son also joined in the vitriol. They even went to the pages of my husband and my son and attacked them too. Carol’s allies didn’t private message them but went to their public pages where all could see. In doing this, they also exposed themselves for the idiots they were while we sat back and laughed.

That’s what reacting out of emotion does. It causes us to make dumb mistakes.

Needless to say, after I exposed them (or they exposed themselves) those people backed off quickly and I never heard from them again. Neither did my family. They now stay far away because they were surprised to find that I’m nowhere near as naïve as I was in high school. I stayed calm and was smart enough to deflect their attacks and use them against them.

Again. Understand that by doing something unexpected, you gain a huge advantage over your bullies. And when bullies can’t figure out what you’re going to do, it scares them to death and they’ll almost always react out of fear!

Nothing is more frightening than when you make a move nobody would ever expect. It’s the reason natural disasters are so scary because no one knows when and where they’ll hit next. It’s why deer hunters can track down their prey and kill them. They know the habits and patterns of behavior of the deer they hunt.

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Realize that habits and patterns are the worst things that go against a target of bullying because bullies pick up on your routines and use them against you.

In closing, you must learn to unsettle your bullies by allowing them to see you do things they’d never expect. If a bully launches an attack, you should counter-attack suddenly, without warning, in a way they’d wouldn’t expect you to, and when they least expect it.

You must purposefully mislead your bullies to trick them into an emotional reaction!

If you’re going to be predictable, don’t stay that way. Do it for long enough that your bullies get used to your patterns and are lulled into a false sense of security, then strike suddenly with something unexpected! And that’s how you get them to leave you alone!

When Bullies Target Quiet People and Why They Do It

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Many times, I’ve noticed that it’s the quiet person who often gets targeted by bullies. So, why do bullies go after those who have little to say? The silent types usually mind their own business. They have no need for attention, and they don’t bother anyone.

Quiet people don’t feel the need to be a part of a group to feel important. They work hard and stay out of the way. So, again. Why do bullies target them?
There are several reasons:

1. Bullies presume them to be weak and timid. Most people are under the misguided belief that anyone quiet is afraid of conflict. They think that the silent types are socially awkward misfits who others have shot down in the past and are now using avoidance to play it safe.

But in reality, they have better things to do and have no time for gossip and other meaningless chit-chats.

2. Bullies mistakenly believe they’re least likely to stand up for themselves. Unfortunately, bullies think that because someone isn’t loud and obnoxious like they are, they won’t defend themselves when provoked. This is a fallacy. I’ve seen many bullies push silents too far and end up with a face-full of humble pie.

3. They’re are mistaken for being standoffish. Bullies will presume that silents are stuck up and think they’re too good to speak. And bullies can’t stand it if there’s a possibility that someone is ignoring them. So they target the person to get a reaction out of them. Or, they punish them for “being so stuck up.”

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4. The silent are thought of as sneaky and having something to hide. So bullies will often target them to shake them up and make them slip up and accidentally reveal “whatever it is they’re hiding” out of nervousness.

Bullies often believe the stereotypes they’ve heard about people of few words:

“It’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for!”

“The quiet ones are the most dangerous!”

But wait! It goes much deeper.

5. Quiet people intimidate bullies. Only the bullies will never in this lifetime admit it. So, why would someone so silent be so intimidating to bullies?

a. They’re unpredictable. Remember that bullies rely on a target’s predictability to bully effectively. And if you can’t predict what a person’s next move is likely to be, that, in and of itself, can be very frightening. And if the person is the kind who’s stoic, all the more difficult it will be to “get their number.” The less you say, the harder others must work to figure you out.

Also, many bullies see the silence as a challenge and will rise to it by provoking the person to get a reaction.

b. Having little to say keeps people off balance. If bullies can’t figure out where you stand on anything, where your hot buttons are, or your desires, likes, and dislikes, they have less fodder and ammo to use against you.

And if they aren’t sure what gets you excited, ticks you off, or makes you nervous, they can’t control you so easily.

Also, because you don’t show your cards, bullies resent you for making them work so hard to pin them.

c. Quiet people expose bullies by staying- well, quiet! They’re very in tune with what goes on around them and listen very deeply while those around them rattle off at the mouth, exposing everything about themselves.

d. In their silence, quiet people terrify bullies. They keep them under their control. Subconsciously, bullies know this, and it drives them nuts!

e. People desire to know what others are thinking. Again. Quiet people make bullies uncomfortable and their silence makes it difficult to guess their intentions.

f. Quiet people put bullies on the defensive. Their answers are short and silences are long, which automatically puts bullies on the defense because the bullies assume the person is getting short with them.

If you’re a silent person and a target of bullies, don’t let them shake you. Continue to play your cards close to the vest. Your lack of predictability is what protects you. You must understand that silence has a power all it’s own. Use it.

Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin: What It Means

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positive always be yourself

To become comfortable in your own skin, it takes several years and plenty of life lessons and experiences. It takes being knocked down enough times by enough people before you can finally say, enough is enough and choose to be happy.

And when we choose to be happy, despite our imperfections and what others think or say of us, we choose to be truly free! Free from the constraints of longing to fit in- free from the constraints of conformity!

To be comfortable in your own skin means loving and accepting all parts of you- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

It means doing what fulfills you and makes you happy.

It means living life on your own terms.

It means refusing to apologize for who you are.

It means allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them.

It means refusing to live up to standards and expectations other than your own.

It means making time for hobbies and interests.

It means making time for your family and closest friends.

It means not being afraid to say no or to set boundaries.

It means not being afraid to ask for what you want.

It means following your dreams.

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It means working toward your goals.

It means celebrating your successes and accomplishments.

It means not being afraid to ask for help when you need it.

It means being selective of friends and who you spend time with.

It means accepting and embracing differences in people.

It means having empathy and compassion for others.

It means putting yourself and your health first.

It means being realistic with goals and patient with the time it takes to reach them.

It means being present in the moment.

It means knowing your limitations.

It means knowing what you want in life and going after it.

It means being clear on what you will and will not tolerate.

It means loving yourself enough to know when it’s time to walk away.

It means knowing that you’re worthy of respect, love, compassion, friendship, and peace.

Most of all, it means the freedom to be.

After Being Bullied for So Long, Targets Can Seemingly Grow Accustomed to It

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It’s one of the most heartbreaking aspects of being bullied- enduring it for so long that you finally grow accustomed to it and resign yourself. Sadly, targets eventually grow numb because the bullying has gone on for so long that the attacks don’t even hurt anymore.

What happens it that you get so used to the torment that the more subtle attacks no longer sound cruel. Some people think that targets are better off when they no longer realize they’re being bullied. But are they really?

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I don’t know. In some instances, yes, and in others, no. If you don’t react because you don’t know to, some bullies will get bored with the lack of response and leave you alone. But others will only bully you worse because either they know you didn’t catch it, or they get angry because you must be ignoring them.

Either way, there comes a point when the target just says, “F it!” and doesn’t care anymore. In order to survive and keep your sanity, sometimes it becomes a necessity not to give a damn until you can find a way out.

Sadly, Many Parents Encourage Their Children to Bully Other People’s Children

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bullying parents

Back in 2016, I saw a video, in which a young man was bullied by not only an adolescent girl but also her mother.

In the video, the young man is badly beaten by two, maybe three other boys, who were with the girl and her mother when they spotted the young man in a local park. Listening to the audio, it was clear that this mother was actually encouraging the bullies and cheering them on as they were viciously attacking this young man. Later, it was reported that the mother had been arrested.

Sadly, this was not the first video I had seen of bullying involving a parent. I have watched many videos in the past ten years…violent videos, in which the parent of the attacker actually encouraged and egged on the altercation.

I have seen on the news, reports of parents arrested for attacking children on school buses, in city parks, and schoolyards for a perceived slight against their child.

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Also, children and teens are also being cyber-bullied by not only their classroom bullies but the bullies’ parents as well. Just google the Megan Meier case and you will see how this precious child committed suicide because she was being harassed online by not only her teenage bullies but by the mother of one of her bullies.

This type of behavior is horrible enough coming from young people but coming from parents, who should know better, it’s downright disgusting!

It totally amazes me how totally immature a good portion of today’s parents really are! I have personally seen parents act as if they are still in high school and it’s embarrassing, to say the least. And what embarrasses me the most is that the parents are of my generation!

These parents are no better than the bullies they are raising! They try to be their son’s/daughter’s BFF instead of being their parent and teaching good morals and values. Hence one of the reasons I believe bullying is so prevalent today.

Often, parents condone, even encourage their child to bully other people’s children because they have a deep-seated belief that being a bully is what it takes to move up the social hierarchy and be successful in life. They believe that keeping others down is key to being on top.

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These parents believe that being popular and the toughest kid on the block is what life is all about. Also, I’ve seen parents who have wanted to fight the parents of the child who their child is bullying for nothing more than speaking out. Worse even, I’ve seen cases where the bully’s parents wanted to physically fight the young victim for daring to stand up to their bully child!

Again, the crying shame of it all is that these parents are mostly people in my age group and younger…thirties, forties, and fifties- old enough to have looong known right from wrong! And I wonder if, perhaps, their parents before them were just as bad and the bullying behaviors just moved from generation to generation.

Is it any wonder that bullying is so widespread???

One thing I cannot fathom is how an adult can insert themselves into kiddie confrontations, bashing the other child by calling them degrading names like they themselves are still in middle school. How do they resort to saw despicable acts and continue to keep a straight face?

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How can people such as these bare to look in the mirror at themselves every day without turning ten shades of red? I just don’t get it. What is wrong with some of the parents of my generation?

Parents of this low caliber do not care about any other children than their own, having no empathy whatsoever. In my opinion, people of this kind shouldn’t have children.

It’s sad that good, wholesome, strong parents, who actually love their child enough to call them out on bad behavior and enforce rules, are a dying breed today and more parents continue to encourage despicable behavior in their children.

What will society and the world be like in another twenty years if we do not address this issue?

A Short Reminder to Targets of Bullying

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Anytime bullies escalate their abuse- anytime they increase their name calling and double their efforts to besmirch you, it only means they’re scared to death and desperate to contain the threat that you are to them. They see you as a threat to their perceived status and power.

Therefore, they feel they must double down on the abuse. What they don’t realize is that they only make themselves look desperate and pathetic. Their blatant repetition and redundancy is so telling. Bystanders and witnesses to their deplorable behavior might not say the quiet part out loud but trust me, they see it, and they think it.

And rest assured that the ones who take the bullies’ side already know who the good guy is, only they’ll never admit it because they’re too scared of becoming the next target.

Always remember that. You have more power than you know. Bask in it.

Finding That Healthy Balance Between Positive and Negative Experiences

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Everyone has both positive and negative experiences with others, which can determine the level of confidence and self-esteem. The trick is to keep the positive either equal to or higher than the negative.

When targets of bullying feel hopeless and pushed to the breaking point, it means that they’ve had so many negative experiences with people that any positive experiences they once had become irrelevant.

Think of confidence and self-esteem as a bank account. If others bully a child nonstop for long enough, their positive account can quickly be depleted, then go into the negative.

If you’re a parent and your children are targets of bullying at school, it’s imperative that you and others who love them continue to deposit “money” into their banks every day with words of encouragement and love. You also contribute by teaching them the importance of confidence, and creating plenty of positive experiences for them.

Positive words, actions, and experiences must equal or, better yet, outnumber the negative ones they get from bullies at school. Only then will the self-esteem be prepared, and the victimized child begin to regain that confidence.

Finally, once confidence is restored, the child will be better able to combat bullies and, ultimately, cease to be a target.

Understand that, although talking about the abuse they suffer and getting it out in the open does help with healing, it only does so much. For any target of bullying to keep their self-esteem and confidence from completely tanking, we must, at the very least, help them create just as many positive experiences as the negative experiences they get from being the target of bullies.

We must help them establish friendships outside of the bullying environment and create wonderful memories. That is the best kind of therapy there is.

Add that with encouraging the target to open up about the abuse and being a good listener, then you have a sure-fire way for them to restore their confidence.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When the World Wants to Dumb You Down

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Remember that bullies hate people who are smart. And the current corrupt government and extremist groups are certainly no exceptions.

We live in an age during which most people want to discourage you from being your best. Most of the “participation trophy” generation are now young adults and if they see someone who’s a winner making achievement after achievement and success after success, they get angry and want to tear the person down.

Never mind if it’s a person they can learn form and look up to as a role model. If the person is “too good” or “wins too much,” they get furious and scream, “it’s not fair!” They then go after the person.

During the past twenty to thirty years, we’ve witnessed the wussification of the West, where, if one person wines and gets an award, everyone else has to have an award too to keep their feelings from being hurt and their egos from being shattered. Otherwise, “it just isn’t fair.”

Well, who ever said that life was “fair?”

Here’s what the use of participation trophies does:

It cheapens the prize for the winner.

It also discourages participants from even trying- it sends the message that no one really has to make an effort because, if they’re going to get a prize anyway, there’s no incentive to do your best.

Also, we’re being fed utter nonsense by the media, which is, of course, designed to dumb us all down. But isn’t it true that bullies desire to dumb down their targets? Of course, it is, because a smart person is least likely to fall for the bullies’ BS. Governments and extremist groups do the same thing to their populations.

One such example is that our media claims that there are 50, maybe 80 something different genders, and sadly, the sheeple lap that up like thirsty dogs.

As the people on the Left always say, “follow the science.” But science says that there are only two genders- male and female, and this is determined by our chromosomes- XY (male) and XX (female).

For there to be 50 to 80 different genders, there would have to be 50 to 80 different pairs of chromosomes– hmmm. I bet nobody on the Left has thought about that one.

But hey! I’m just following the science. Sadly, no one wants to have that conversation because they’re either dumbed down or scared of being cancelled.

This is a perfect example of the dumbing down of the masses. Many people may get angry over this post, but I don’t care. I prefer common sense over following along with the prevailing narrative. And if it sounds stupid, sorry, I won’t go along with it.

I prefer to stand out from the crowd, not to get lost in it. If that means I get bullied for it, so be it. I overcame many bouts of bullying. I’ll overcome the next.

Many Targets of Bullying Have Vivid Imaginations

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Ideas Vision Innovation Share Think Concepts

Targets of bullying often use their imaginations as an escape from the real world of bullying and abuse. It’s why many of them later become successful writers, actors, musicians, artists, and architects.

Speaking from my own experience, I too had a very colorful imagination, and I’ve come to realize that this is a good thing because, without imagination and fantasy, there’s no life.

Imagination allows you to leave your toxic environment and envision a better life. We may fantasize about having friends, saving someone and being their hero, love, sex, money, or winning an award for a good deed or job well done. We may also envision our future- growing up to be a doctor. We might dream of becoming a lawyer and winning a high-profile case in court, or of marriage and lots of children.

Without imagination, we’d be stuck because the imagination is the starting point to success and a better life. Imagination sets us on the path to realizing our dreams and aspirations. It inspires creativity and gives us pleasure we can’t get anywhere else.

Imagination also relieves emotional pain and boredom.

I believe that my imagination is partly what kept me alive during the years I was bullied. It helped me to survive and ultimately, find my purpose, my calling, my passion, and my life’s work.

Understand that without imagination, we will have no purpose, no direction, no incentive to work hard and follow our paths, and no hope.

If you’re a target of bullying and your bullies ridicule you over your picturesque imagination, please do not listen to them and never be ashamed of it. Because it’s the very thing that can take you places you never dreamed of and will inspire greatness!

Nurture and grow you envisions by continuing to daydream. This is something you should never stop doing. Keep being creative and your creativity will grow. Understand that when you imagine and create, you have hope and hope is the only thing that will keep you going.

Never give up your dreams no matter what others may say or think. And realize that the people who make fun of it are only losers with no imaginations or creativity at all and they only do it because they’re jealous of your awesome mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should Never Believe nor Internalize the Labels Bullies Give You

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We’ve all heard of self-fulfilling prophecies or the Pygmalion Effect. It’s a phenomenon in which our thoughts become things. People also call it the power of expectation.

” What we believe we also become.”

When people (adults at work AND kids at school) are told they are smart and will do well, they usually end up doing just that. Whereas, if a person is told he is stupid and will never amount to anything, he will also live up to what he hears.

Bullying and life – pictured as a word Bullying and a wrecking ball to symbolize that Bullying can have a bad effect and can destroy life, 3d illustration

High expectations= high performance= high outcomes.

Low expectations= low performance= low outcomes.

Understand that bullies are brain-washers. They are repetitious in their verbal attacks, and if you aren’t careful after they have repeatedly suggested that you’re stupid, ugly, or no good long enough, they will force you to believe it too. You won’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late.

‘You see? A bully knows that if you tell a person something enough times for long enough, that person is more likely to believe it.

Understand that bullies do this on purpose. Their goal is to derail you, your goals, and your future by manipulation, to turn you against yourself.

Because bullies know that once they make you believe you’re worthless and can’t do anything right, you will unwittingly and ultimately live up to their expectations.

You must realize that any name a bully calls you, they want you to be. Anytime a bully tells you that you will never be loved, never be successful, etc., the goal is to crush your self-esteem and any prospect for the future.

Law of Attraction on Blackboard with Words

And people want to be right! Bullies want so badly to be right about you so that they can eventually point at you and tell others,

“See? What did I tell you? I told you he was a jackass!”

“I told you she would (screw up, fly off the handle, get into trouble, etc.).

“Uh-huh! What did I tell you? Huh?”

Therefore, should it be any wonder why bullies continuously bombard you with horrible names and accusations? If a person calls you a lowlife, they want you to be a lowlife because they want you to prove them right!

There is a reason why cycles repeat themselves over again! Everything becomes a cycle. What you expect is what you will end up getting. Even worse, it’s what you’ll eventually live up to. Always! It’s only the Law of Attraction at work, and it never fails.

It won’t be easy to do. It’s challenging to think positively and to keep loving yourself when you’re continually having horrible names and negative comments hurled at you from every direction. It’s tough to keep your heart open when the hearts of people around you are closed and locked tight. It feels impossible to love yourself when it seems that everyone hates you. I feel your pain because I’ve been right where you are now.

 

However, you can only break the cycle of abuse and negativity by continuing to love yourself even when it seems that nobody else does, by finding a reason to live when life seems hopeless, and by refusing to lose sight of your goals, your dreams, and most of all, your value as a human being.

Be mindful of your thoughts and always replace any negative thinking with thoughts that are positive.

If a bully calls you stupid, counter his statement by saying something as simple as,

“No! I’m smart! You’re the stupid one!”

You may have to work hard at it, but you can do it.

Never Pay a Bully a Compliment. Ever!

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Trust me, bullies, especially the arrogant and puffed up type, get their boots licked enough.

They get false compliments and fake sympathy from their sycophants daily. How do you think they got so sickeningly full of themselves? Compliments should only be handed out only to people who deserve them.

I learned this the hard way when I was sixteen and a sophomore in high school.

I remember seeing a girl in the cafeteria at lunch, and she was wearing a lovely dress. Naturally, I told her that it was a beautiful dress and that I liked it. And I meant it from the bottom of my heart when I said it.

However, it only fueled her arrogance. She only sneered at me and said,

“I know. So what? Nobody likes you, and you think kissing up changes things?”

You can imagine how heartbroken I was.

guilt concept – unhappy young sporty man showing his throat with gun-like hands for sign of low self-esteem, textured effects

Although few things uplift a person like a sincere compliment, which comes from the heart, a bully will only take it as confirmation that they are better than you. A bully will also see it as the fulfillment of their expectation that you’re willing to suck up to them.

A compliment to a bully is nothing more than an ego boost and an opportunity to rake your dignity over the coals because they’re used to having the other classmates or coworkers bow down before them.

Instead, be the one who gives these life-suckers and happiness thieves a healthy dose of the real world. Be indifferent toward them- like you just don’t give a crap about them.

They may get angry because they may think people owe them allegiance, but you won’t give them the wrong impression, and you’ll walk away with your self-respect intact.

Relationship is the Determiner in Many Cases of Bullying

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It’s not easy for people to distinguish between the real bully and the victim. Bullies are good at making victims look guilty, showing only the victim the worst, most brutal, and evil sides of themselves while showing everyone else their best, sweetest, and most loving halves of their personalities.

The bully may feign sympathy and compassion for her victim by making statements such as,

“I feel so terrible for (victim’s name). I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs before it’s too late.”

Bullies accuse their victims of attacking them when it’s the over way around, and people can quickly get confused and not know who did what to who. That’s one reason it’s so easy to blame the wrong person altogether.

Many times, if you’re a target of such torment, whether people believe you or not depends on their relationship with you and with the bully. If the bully is someone they either like or love, they will take the bully’s word over yours out of loyalty. It won’t matter that the bully is in the wrong. And in many cases, people may know the bully is wrong and even witness the bully’s bad behavior.

Again, they still may take the bully’s side because “that’s their friend” or “that’s their family.” Or maybe they dislike or may even hate the bullying person, but they dislike or hate you even more. So, they choose who they perceive to be the lesser of two evils.

People tend to believe those they care about and disbelieve those they don’t care about or don’t know.

My advice for targets of bullying is this: It pays to have friends and connections. If you don’t have them, find ways of making them, even if you must establish those connections outside of the toxic workplace or learning environment.

They may not be able to help you with your situation in the bullying environment. But what they can do is help you feel so much better about yourself and not feel so alone. And self-care is a must when you’re a target of bullying.

Also, establishing connections and relationships now may pay off in the long run because if you’re a target of bullying at your job, chances are you won’t be working there for much longer. And maybe your outside friends and connections just may work at your next job, and life will be much easier.

Softened Statements Bullies Make to Cover Evil Intentions and Behavior

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­Euphemism- word, phrase or statement that softens a harsher meaning.

Seasoned bullies are well-known for euphemizing their words so that they don’t look bad to others. Anytime bullies soften their insults, they appear concerned for the target’s well-being, or they appear sympathetic. But, don’t be misled. In reality, they’re anything but!

Also, in “softly” putting you down, they are more like to get confirmation for their interlocutors (the other people taking part in the discussion) to justify their atrocious behavior. And when they get the confirmation they seek, they get with it relief and the green light to continue talking.

Closeup portrait unhappy woman giving loser sign on forehead, looking at you with anger and hatred on face isolated on gray background.

Here are the most common softened statements.

“I hope she gets the help she needs.”

“The poor guy, it’s sad that people treat him so bad.”

“I know I shouldn’t say this, but…”

“Bless her heart, she’s such a miserable and unhappy person.”

“I sincerely hope she can go someplace where she can be happy.”

I want you to understand that when your bullies make these statements, they’re not the least bit sympathetic nor concerned about your well-being. They’re only concerned with how they look and sound to everyone else and with putting on a good front to cover their true feelings.

The more you know.

When People Tell You, “You Can’t Do Anything Right!”

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It’s true! When you’re a target of bullying and mobbing, you really can’t do anything right. But understand that bullying does that to targets. It causes them to be extremely nervous and always on edge.

You drop things, trip over stuff, the intense nervousness and fear make you awkward and uncoordinated. It makes you clumsy. The human stress response is, indeed, a tricky little devil!

You become even more afraid, which makes the clumsiness worse- fearful of screwing up, afraid to fail, afraid to be yourself because you know your bullies are watching you closely, and you’re mistakes and failures are precisely what they’re waiting for.

verbal abuse bullying

A bullied girl bakes a cake in Home Economics, only for it to collapse like a souffle. A bullied boy accidentally drops the ball on the basketball court in Physical Education. A company supervisor oversees a project, only for it to fall flat and be ridiculed.

And it seems the harder you try not to screw up, the more you do. You’re confused and don’t know which way to turn, nor which end is up. Making choices is hard and you aren’t sure which decisions are the right ones. No one can think clearly when they don’t feel safe.

bullying victim nervous, walking tight rope

Because when your mind and body are in panic mode- when your brain rewires itself for a hostile environment after people have, for so long, subjugated you to inhumane treatment, the part of your mind that deals with decision-making and emotional regulation automatically shuts down. And you’re at the mercy of your primal instincts!

Again, all this is what bullying does to victims! It’s why most victims of bullying have low grades and performance in school and why their work projects suffer in the workplace. And it’s why they’re looked at by teachers and supervisors as failures and nuisances.

bullying girl physical

But know that you’re not a failure, a loser, or a freak. You must realize that any time you’re bullied, there’s no way to relax and just be. It’s impossible. So, understand that your bullies, in their sadistic abuse, have turned you from a once calm and happy person into one hot mess! Then they’ve taken that and exploited it by calling you things like, “train wreck,” “crazy,” and other such cheap shots.

But there’s hope. When you finally get out of the dangerous environment you’re stuck in, and away from those poisonous people, you’ll be amazed at how quickly the nervousness, clumsiness, and awkwardness will go away!

You will be calm again, finally. You’ll be able just to relax, breathe, and be. And that’s a freedom I can’t describe when I remember how it happened for me.

The relief is such that it’s a feeling of being able to come up for air after having your head held underwater, or of coming home after a long time away. When you’re in a new place and around better people, you can put your best foot forward and start over.

It may be frightening at first because, after all, you just came out of an abusive situation, and you may need time to get used to the new people in your life. You may be afraid of being bullied again. But I promise you that you can make new friends and you can finally enjoy equal treatment.

Because you’ll be a fresh face, and in most cases, everyone loves the new kid because there’s an air of mystery that surrounds them. So, take advantage of that.

And once you’re able to relax and be yourself, you’ll be able to speak and do things more confidently and assuredly. Your actions and movements will be fluid and the clumsiness and confusion will fade away. It happened for me, and it will work for you too!

Sometimes Self-Care Means Making Heartbreaking Decisions

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Once you choose not to be a target anymore, you must realize that you may have to make very tough, even heartbreaking decisions. You will more than likely have to weed certain people out of your life for good, and sadly, some of those people may even be people you love very much.

You can still love them, ‘nothing wrong with it. However, as much as you may love them, they are not always healthy for you to be around.

It was a decision that I had to make with a family member twenty years ago and again seven years ago. And let me tell you, it was an excruciating decision. And when we stopped talking, I missed them very much.

No, worse. I mourned the person deeply. Even after all the cutting remarks, they had made toward me and a few others I loved, I still mourned them. It was akin to having a death in the family.

There’s no pain like mourning someone who’s still alive.

In both cases, we did not speak to one another for a few years. And we were not welcome in each other’s homes. During those two years, I would pass this person by in the supermarket, the gas station, or on the road somewhere while driving from time to time. No, “Hi. How are you?”. No honk and wave. Nothing.

We would both just turn our heads and go on about our business. And I would feel my heart sink into my stomach and fight back the tears, knowing that there was a possibility that we would never speak again.

There was always that dreadful “Could I have done something different” feeling, which always seemed to rear its ugly head. Feelings of guilt would emerge even in the midst of knowing I had done the best that I possibly could.

Many of you may be going through something similar but do not lose heart. Your relationship with your estranged loved one is still repairable. I am blessed to be able to say that this story has a very happy ending to it.

After another family member had gotten sick, I received a call from my loved one, and we reconciled, apologized, and forgave one another. After the reconciliation, I made sure that I could lend a helping hand in taking care of our sick family member, and we became close again.

Now, we are closer than EVER! We visit each other, we talk on the phone, and we never hesitate to tell each other how much we love one another. From this, I learned a very powerful lesson.

Hit the road concept, road – 3D rendering

That lesson is this:

Sometimes, it takes a separation to bring people closer. Although painful when it happens, walking away may actually be a great thing and produce awesome results later on. Anytime you walk away, your value and the other person’s value often go up, and in time, you both learn to respect one another. Then you love each other even more than you did before.

With knowledge comes empowerment!