Tag: bullying

unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

Bullies with Social Capital Are the Most Destructive- What You Can Do to Minimize the Damage

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These are the bullies with the most social connections and friends in high places- the bullies well thought of (or well-feared) by a vast majority in a school, workplace, neighborhood, or community. They can be the “cool kids” at school or the “Good Ol’ Boy” clique at work or in town. These bullies can also be local politicians and businessmen or members of certain well-known families in a particular area.

Although money does help, these people don’t necessarily have to be rich to have these connections. I’ve known people who were quite poor who had these types of relationships as well. What gives them the power they have is their connections with the right people, which is why bullies in these select groups are especially dangerous and can do the most damage to a target.

These types of bullies proactively build a network of social relationships to re-enforce their power and get protection from any accountability for wrongdoing. In many cases, they already have close and well-established ties, which go back several years.

These relationships ensure that the bullies are well-protected and above reproach. Worst of all, they also give them carte blanche to ride roughshod over anyone freely and with impunity. These are the types who will watch you closely.

These bullies know they have good name recognition, and they take advantage of it. Any time a bully has a ton of social capital, others will not risk alienating them for fear of being the next target. And chances are that if they target you, their followers, who are secondary bullies, will only follow their lead.

Social Capital

In short, bullies can weaponize their connections and popularity!

This is why the most popular and well-connected bullies get away with deplorable behavior and can do anything they want to anyone. And they will take full advantage. If you become a target of one of these people, they will use their connections and influence to destroy every aspect of your life. Also, they’ll never stop coming after you.

Understand that these bullies are very influential, persuasive, and, most of all, convincing. Their names alone carry much weight behind them. They have trust, mutual understanding, and shared values and behaviors which promote unity and strengthen their group. When one of these people says something, others, even those outside their circle of connections, are more likely to listen attentively and take their word as fact!

I call these people “sacred cows” because they have such power and influence in a school, corporation, or community that they’re perceived as not to be questioned nor spoken against, even if they’re in the wrong.

With sacred cows, people may not necessarily like them, they may even hate them, but you can be sure that they fear them. So, even haters are careful not to speak against them publicly or within earshot of the wrong people.

With that said, if you’re a target of bullies who have social capital, know that they can make your life hell. They can tarnish your name with smear campaigns, and others will believe it simply because of who the rumors and lies come from. They can also cause the loss of your job and blacklist you, robbing you of any opportunity to find other means of employment.

These people can destroy your ability to make new friends because others will be too afraid to associate with you. If you own a business, they can either discourage customers from patronizong it or have their worker bees to set fire to and burn it down altogether. And don’t put it past these bullies to trump up false criminal charges against you, set you up to be arrested, or send henchmen to either visit you or meet you on the street somewhere.

Your self-esteem can also take a harder hit because of these bullies’ popularity, and you’re likely to be paralyzed with fear, especially if you’re a kid in school.

But here are a few things you can do to lessen the trauma these powerful bullies can cause and build your own social capital.

A macho man standing crossed arms near-luxury open-top car in tropical resort isometric image vector illustration

1. Befriend and align yourself with other targets because you can be sure that you aren’t the only one these bullies torment.

2. If you can find people who were once a part of the bullies’ circle but whom the bullies ousted for whatever reason, that’s even better! These people would be the ones who have private and sensitive info about each of the bullies and their sycophants. They’ll more than likely be looking for a little payback and only too happy to give you the deets!

3. Establish tight connections with your fellow targets and with the former members whom the bullies booted out of the “social club” or double-crossed. Band together with them because nothing unites people like the shared anger and hatred toward an enemy.

4. Pal around with or eat out with them. Be sure you’re seen with these targets and outcasts and with as many of them as possible. This will provide you with a little protection!

5. The more targets and outcasts you connect and bond with, the better!

6. Important!!! Always have their backs and make sure they have yours!

7. Make friends, take jobs, and seize opportunities that are outside the bullies’ element. If need be and all else fails, move to a new area.

8. Tell no one of your plans, where your new job is, your address, or where you’re moving to. Sometimes, it’s just best to vanish!

Do these things, and you’ll be much safer!

Other Bullied Classmates Are Still Afraid to Tell Their Stories Today

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small town bullying

Even today, thirty years later, there are other targets from way back who are afraid of telling their stories. Some are scared that it may somehow get back to the people who bullied them. And that the bullies from high school will hunt them down and harm them or their families if they speak out. Hey, Oakley’s a small southern town and they have to live there. Luckily for me, I got out of there.

Their worries aren’t exactly needless either. Many of them live in the same small town the bullies do, and the bullies have powerful connections. Many of the classmates who bullied me are either working in law enforcement (Isn’t it funny how most people who were bullies in school seek out careers that give them a little power and authority?), or ended up with spouses in law enforcement.

People in small towns never forget who they hated in high school and seem to carry grudges for a lifetime. Many of them would jump at the chance if they could bully the person again for old time’s sake. Trust me. I know these people, and they wouldn’t think twice about it!

Hate is blind

I’ve heard countless horror stories from others. They were stories about how these former bullies from high school would have certain people they didn’t like pulled over and plant drugs in their vehicle to press bogus charges of illegal possession and ruin their lives. It happens more than we realize. So far, when passing through, I’ve been very fortunate.

I’ve also heard another story from a very reliable source about how one of the women who bullied me in school, handled marital issues with her husband.

Because she was angry and wanted to get back at her spouse, she sent a picture of herself and another man in their home to her husband’s phone while he (the husband) was at work at the police department, all to prove a point to him that she could leave and have any other man she wanted.

In doing that, she baited her police officer husband into losing his temper, leaving his shift and coming home to fire several shots into the home they shared, placing both herself and their children in grave danger. Yep! Talk about stupid!

 

Luckily, neither she nor the kids were hurt. However, if she would do a damn fool thing like baiting her spouse to do something foolish and make herself out to be the innocent wife who’s so abused and mistreated, then she’d bait someone else with whom she wanted to get revenge on. And most of her friends, who were also bullies, are the same manipulative way, which is why I make it a point to keep them at a long distance from my loved ones and me.

I’ve committed a grave sin by writing and publishing a book about being bullied in high school, and yes, they know about it. Although I never used their real names in the book, I received quite a few nasty and threatening messages from them after the book became available, and a few other classmates bought it.

One woman even informed me that she had contacted several classmates, and they all wanted to meet me somewhere where we could “have a meeting” and “have a well-needed discussion” over what I’d written and published.

nope refuse bullying

Emoticon making deny sign

That meeting didn’t happen. And it never will because I wouldn’t trust any of them as far as I could throw them. You never know what they may be plotting or what might happen. Had I stupidly agreed to meet with them, there’s no telling what I would’ve walked into. So, I bade them thanks, but no thanks.

No reunions for me. I hope my classmates have fun, but they’ll have to do it without me.

There are times I still get nasty messages from a classmate or two, not often, but it does happen. It doesn’t phase me any because number one; they don’t know where I live. Number two; I could care less.

gut feeling

If I must do any business in the town, I do it without worrying about the possibility of being seen by the wrong people. I know that they would be a fool to approach me today.

The bullies know that if they try anything foolish, and if anything happens to me, anything at all, they will only prove every word I wrote in “From Victim to Victor.” Also, people from everywhere will come around asking questions and guess who they’ll go to for answers.

They will only make themselves suspects.

In essence, “From Victim to Victor” is my protection. The book can serve as a shield from any retribution my old bullies may want for my daring to speak out about the notoriously vile and ignorant way they acted years ago. These people know not to bust themselves.

My other classmates, who were also victims, do not have that protection going for them, and I can only hope and pray that they are left alone to live their lives with their families in peace.

It’s Hard to Feel Empathy When You’re A Target of Bullying

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Targets of bullying often get accused of being selfish and out for their own interests. However, anytime we are hurting so badly, the pain only blunts our capacity to feel for others.

Anytime a person suffers severe and relentless bullying for so long, their pain overrides any ability to empathize with those around them, who may also be hurting.

It’s like lying in the emergency room with both legs broken after a car accident. The pain is so intense that you could care less about the patient in the next room. All you’re thinking of is how soon a doctor will see you and order a pain reliever.

I tell you this because it happened to me. When I was a target of bullying in school, two girls in my class died in a horrific car crash during the eleventh grade, and as much as I hate admitting it today, I could not have cared less about it back then.

Naturally, I don’t feel the same today. Now, thirty years later, I’m sorry that happened to them, but at the time it happened, I had absolutely no feeling for the girls and even had the attitude that it had served them right and that maybe I’d get lucky and a few more bullies would drop dead soon.

I had been a target of the class for so long I just did not have it in me to care.

After a person endures bullying for so long, he/she becomes cold and unfeeling toward other people if they aren’t careful, and it will only bring about resentment from people who might otherwise offer love and support.

If you are a target of bullying in school or at work, never let it take away your empathy, kindness, and humanity. It won’t be easy, but there are ways to buffer your self-esteem from the effects of bullying and hold on to your sweetness.

Humiliation: The Bully’s Most Dangerous Weapon

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Humiliation, unlike embarrassment or shame, leaves a mark on the person who suffers it, and the stigma surrounding the person can follow them for the rest of their lives. Why? Because people who’ve been publicly humiliated are always thought of and remembered for their humiliation. Think, Harvey Weinstein and the sex scandals which broke a few years ago.

Although ol’ Harvey’s humiliation is well-deserved, not so for victims of bullying. Innocent victims are often humiliated by their bullies and stuck in an uncomfortable and degrading position while others gather around excitedly to taunt and abuse them.

Humiliation has been used down through the ages. Tarring and feathering was a technique used in the Old West, which involved covering people with hot tar and feathers and parading them through the crowded streets on a horse-drawn cart. Think of Chuck Connors’ character, Jason McCord, in the old western series, “Branded.”

To humiliate someone is to assert power over them by denying and destroying their personal dignity. Throughout history, humiliation has been the most common and effective means of punishment, abuse, and oppression. It’s not the threat of imprisonment or even death that is a deterrent of crime; it is the dread of humiliation.

It’s a fact! People fear losing face worse than they do a violent death!

Humiliation is also used to maintain a social hierarchy and to emphasize that the group, alumni, organization, or community as a whole supersedes the individual. It is designed to defuse any threat to a particular order or someone’s esteemed position.

Think of today’s cancel culture.

In student hierarchies in schools, bullies at the top of the pecking order go to great lengths to protect their often ill-gotten status and uphold their positions. At the same time, the other kids are forced to submit to different kinds of debasement. And it’s the same in the workplace too.

Anytime a target of bullying defends himself against harassment and abuse, the bullies will often use humiliation to retaliate and subdue the victim by way of jokes, pranks, or setting the target up to get in trouble with the staff or a horrific beating by other kids. Bullies at the top will also spread vicious rumors and lies against their object.

Most forms of humiliation involve invading the victim’s privacy and sneakily taking videos of him/her in compromising positions.

Example 1:
A targeted girl is taking a shower in the locker room or undressing in the privacy of her bedroom, and the bullies hide behind a corner or just outside her bedroom window at night and take videos of her with their smartphones. They then spread the videos to other classmates. Or worse, a girl naively sends her boyfriend a nude selfie. They break up. He then shares it on social media, and the photo goes viral!

Humiliation and exile. A crowd of people chases a sad person.

Example 2:
A targeted boy is standing in front of a urinal using the bathroom, and a bully hides in the stall next to him, peering through the crack and the camera lens on his smartphone, taking videos of his manly areas. He then sends the video to all his buddies, and they laugh and joke about how small, crooked his package is (or it could be the mole, anything different about it). Remember the suicides of Tyler Clementi and Amanda Todd and the circumstances surrounding each case.

Example 3: A bright worker is set up to fail in the workplace. And when he does, it follows him the rest of his working life.

Humiliation is horrible for anyone. It is so devastating that it involves negative things with which the victim will always be associated, and there will be no getting away from it! Embarrassment and shame are only temporary. Humiliation, however, can follow a person for the rest of their lives!

So, if you are a victim of bullying, protect yourself. Also, I cannot stress this advice enough! No matter how much your boyfriend/girlfriend may claim he/she loves you! No matter how much the person begs and pleads for you to do it, nor what they threaten you with if you don’t! Never, ever, ever let anyone talk you into sending a nude pic! Ever!

And if anyone ever films you in an indecent position without you knowing it, know that what they did is against the law! Speak out about it and file criminal charges and a civil suit for damages!

The more you know, the better you protect yourself!

The Difference Between Passing Judgement and Being Selective

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Often, when we are simply being selective of those we keep company with, others will accuse us of being judgmental or passing judgment and it can be difficult to defend against this if you don’t know how to tell the difference. So, what is the difference between passing judgment and being selective?

Here are your answers:

1. Passing judgement. You pass judgment on someone by excluding and bullying them for any reasons that are petty and without any evidence that suggests that the person isn’t safe to be around. For example, you judge them based on race, sex, weight, height, or orientation. You may also judge them based on the kinds of clothes they wear, how they look, or based on the nasty rumors you have heard from others about them, instead of judging them based on their character or the behavior and actions you’ve personally seen from them. In other words, you convict the person before having the time to get to know them, even though your gut is telling you the person is harmless.

2. Being selective. When you are being selective, on the other hand, you know without a shadow of a doubt that the person is abusive, toxic, and no good to be around. You have evidence that the person is unhealthy to be around because you have witnessed firsthand their crappy behavior, the terrible way they treat others, and the nasty attitude they have. No sane person wants to be around toxic people and with good reason. Also, your gut will tell you a lot about a person and you’ll feel the icky vibes they exude. So, you should never ignore it!

Being judgmental isn’t healthy nor smart because we rush to judgment on people we don’t really know. As a result, we may miss out on people who could be great friends, allies, and who could bring a lot of good to the world.

Being selective is healthy and the smart thing to do because, in being selective of the people we associate with, we base our judgment on what we know and witness in content of character and behavior. Therefore,  we ensure our safety from those who may wish to harm us.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Hatred Disguised as Social Justice

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The biggest excuse for hatred and bullying today is in the name of social causes. They hide their hatred of certain individuals and groups behind political activism and the accomplishment of social goals, which have nothing to do with love for your fellow man. As we’ve learned in the last year, most political policies only serve to destroy civilization.

Bullying and hatred only see laws, rules and norms as ways to oppress. I’m not saying that certain corrupt individuals won’t pervert them for their own ends, because they do. However, laws, rules and norms are initially put in place for a good reason, to preserve peace and safety for everyone. The dark side of human nature dictates that without laws and rules, our society would be a cesspool of chaos, anarchy, and suffering.

Bullies and haters will use words like “equality” and the past sins of targeted groups and individuals as an excuse to cause harm and destruction to those who have been labeled, fairly or unfairly. They will hide their hatred behind a veneer of a desire to do the right thing and use shame, disgust, and ridicule to bully people who may or may not have contributed to the inequality.

In this, innocent people can become objects of bullying and hatred because they are different somehow- they may be of different races, religions, or political beliefs. They may also be bullied and hated because they are poor. Maybe they smell bad, or are considered unattractive.

Many are bullied and hated because of something they have no control over- maybe they have a mental handicap, are physically weak, disabled, or disfigured. Some are hated because they don’t conform to certain standards. Maybe they were disadvantaged, got a poor education, and not as knowledgeable about things that most people already know.

Maybe they don’t dress properly, or they just do things their own way and not the way everyone else does. Difference, no matter how slight, always attracts bullying and hatred. Always! It’s sad but true! And innocent people who so happen to fall into the hated category of people end up persecuted and suffer needlessly and unfairly.

Hatred and bullying are so tricky because, like I’ve mentioned earlier, people often disguise their hatred and bullying as morality and equality. To be accepted, hatred and bullying can never be boldfaced and without moral reasoning. Bullies and haters must hide behind the facade of justice and fairness.

For example, hatred that stems from jealousy often dresses itself as a campaign of fairness. I’m not saying that all campaigns of fairness and justice stem from hate. However, many do.

The idea of spreading the wealth is one such example of class envy and hating and bullying those who have worked hard and reached financial and personal success.

In my opinion, a person that has worked hard to get his business off the ground and is successful in doing so deserves to keep his profits. Why? Because he worked hard, and he earned it. And he has the option to donate to the charities of his choice and help the poor but it’s his choice whether to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m charitable and I like to give to the less fortunate, but only because I want to! Not because some politician or activist demands that I give a portion of my earnings. And I can guarantee that if anyone dares to demand that I give them something, the only thing they will get from me is a proverbial middle finger and an “up yours.”

People give because they want to, not because they’re ordered to. That, my friends, is human nature.

Movements like these send the wrong message- that’s it’s somehow wrong for someone else to have something “that I don’t have and haven’t found a way to get” even though they worked their ass off to get what they have and where they are.

Another example is hatred and the desire to take revenge, which often masquerades as movements and campaigns against injustice or for justice.

Again, I’m not saying that all of these campaigns are about hate and vengeance. Martin Luther King, in his marches for freedom, surely did NOT advocate hatred, bullying, or taking revenge. His campaigns were for true unity and the good of mankind.

However, it’s too easy to use these campaigns to justify hatred and bullying, just as extremist groups like Antifa and others do. This is wrong. There’s no justification for hatred and bullying. Never! When groups such as these say the word “justice,” what they really mean is “revenge.” It’s how they justify burning, looting, violence, and murder.

Bullies and haters will also pervert the word compassion to hide hatred and bullying and will also recruit people to join them in their hatred of another person or group. This is how they trick people into believing that they’re being compassionate of their pain when, all they’re really doing is promoting hatred and hostility toward a target or targets.

Remember that MLK encouraged forgiveness and peaceful protesting. He encouraged unity. Sadly, groups like Antifa, BAMN, and The Red Guard encourage only hatred and any voice that encourages forgiveness or peace will be seen as opposition and quickly silenced. These groups will make it seem unfeeling and to lack empathy for the oppressed.

But lies disguised as compassion are of the most evil variety because they cause the most destruction and blind it’s followers to their hate, hostility, and viciousness. It’s also how innocent people are demonized and brutalized. Because, when an innocent person is labelled as bad and evil, they then become targets for hatred, violence, even murder!

It’s actually a clever and convincing disguise, but think about this: Satan never comes before you in a red suit with horns and a pointy tail, no. He always comes as an angel of light or as your heart’s desire- something you’ve always dreamed of. And trust me, he’s damn good at it! And why not? He’s the master of lies and fake disguises!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When Bullies Talk in Code Around Their Targets

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bullies talk in code

I remember sitting in class one morning and overhearing my bullies and others degrade and threaten a girl named “Jenny”, someone I had never met but who was, according to the talkers, in our age group.

She didn’t go to our school, so I figured she was a girl they knew who went to a different school.

They would call Jenny the foulest of names and tell each other aloud what they would love to do to her, and what they would do if they didn’t think they’d be held accountable.

As I listened to their conversation, I began to feel bad for this poor mystery girl.

Certain classmates would say things like,

“Jenny is so fake!”
“Jenny is such a little whore!”
“That Jenny is such a disgusting skank! I want so badly just to kill her!”
“If I thought I wouldn’t go to jail, I’d cut her throat and leave her in a ditch to die! She doesn’t deserve to breathe!”
“I’d cut her heart out and feed it to her!”
“Maybe we should put arsenic in her lunch; maybe we could do it like that!”

These kids were making very detailed comments which were nothing short of sick and demented, and it frightened me for this Jenny girl. My first instinct was to find out who she was and warn her about those monsters!

help code bullying

Much to my horror, I later learned from another source that this girl, Jenny, was really me they were discussing, and it shook me to my very core!

“Jenny” was only a code name. It was one thing to have others dislike you and not want to be around you, but, in my young mind, it was worse to think they wanted me dead.

This would be terrifying to anyone, more so to a teenage girl. Fortunately, I changed schools shortly after, and things took a complete turn for the better.

Know that bullies are slick and sometimes, they will talk in code if their target is anywhere nearby. If you hear anyone talking that way about not only you but anyone, avoid them and keep as far away from them as you can, if possible. Because if they’d talk about another human being this way, it goes to show that their minds are not in a good place.

Understand that when you avoid harmful and hurtful people, it is not because you are “chicken,” but because you are smart enough to avoid drama and negativity.
Sadly, when you are the object of bullies, the only person you have in your corner is you!

If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will! Therefore, it is up to you to do whatever it is that you have to do (within legal limits, of course) to ensure your safety and peace of mind.

Spousal Bullying (Domestic Abuse)

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One of my readers suggested that I do a piece on spousal bullying, and I apologize for the length of this post. Because there’s much to cover on this subject, I did my best to cover everything as concisely as possible.

Whether you call it domestic abuse or spousal abuse, it is still a form of bullying, only the bullying takes place in the home against a significant other. The reason this is a form of bullying is because there is a clear power imbalance between the abuser and the target and the attacks, whether physical, verbal, or psychological, are repetitive. They become a pattern, and are ongoing over a period of months, years, or decades.

The bully in the home, (or domestic abuser) abuses the target verbally, emotionally, and/or physically to assert power and dominance and keep them from gaining or maintaining their independence, defending themselves, or leaving the relationship.

The bully feels he/she must use intimidation and force to keep their partner in line because they are life losers who have no social intelligence and no redeeming qualities. Somewhere along the way, they’ve been taught through experience that being a loving partner, calming talking out any issues, or seduction and soft persuasion are either signs of weakness, or doesn’t work.

But the reality is that they never learned how to love. They never learned social skills and how to use positive re-enforcement. Also, they never mastered the art of charm or soft persuasion. So, the only thing these poor souls have left in their toolbox is the use of intimation, force, and violence.

Here are ways that domestic bullies keep control and dominance over their partners:

1. Verbal abuse. If you have a partner that subtly puts you down through jokes or offhand comments, it is still verbal abuse, only you are in the early stages of it. But understand that this stage is the safest time to leave and the longer you stay in the relationship, the more danger you will be in when you finally do walk away.

 Know that you deserve to live a peaceful life on your own for a while. And when the time comes, you deserve a partner who respects you and treats you with love. You owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship before it gets any worse. 

Anyone who screams, yells, curses you, or calls you degrading names does not love you but only wants to control you and run your life. They may claim they love you but actions speak louder than words..

Again, you must find a path of escape and disappear because verbal bullying tends to turn physical if not dealt with. Do what you must do to get yourself to safety. I realize that it’s hard to leave someone you love, but if your partner doesn’t love you enough to treat you with respect and ensure your safety, you’re better off alone where you can live in peace and make room for someone who truly loves you and treats you with the respect you deserve.

2. Physical abuse. Nobody wants to be physically beaten and many people will submit to a bully just to keep from getting hurt. However, submission only provides physical safety in the short term. Bullies/abusers always come back for more. Again, any form of bullying and abuse will escalate if it’s not addressed properly.

Like school bullying, workplace bullying, and neighborhood bullying, spousal or domestic bullying can very quickly become a pattern and escalate because the bully grows comfortable with abusing their target. Bullies and abusers are notorious for pushing the envelope. In other words, when they get bored with verbal abuse, they will begin to commit “borderline physical abuse,” which is shoving or tripping. Next, they’ll up the ante to “blatant physical abuse” through punching, choking, kicking and progress on to severe beatings until it finally ends in murder.

If you are being physically abused, it’s imperative that you call police and a battered partner’s shelter and get help. Find a way to get out of the relationship. The last thing you want is to end up dead and any children you have (if you have any) to become orphaned.

3. Controlling the purse strings. Domestic abusers/Spousal bullies are notorious for keeping a tight fist on any household income. They refuse to give their partners any money or allow them to go to work and make their own money. If the abused partner happens to have a job, the bully/abuser will demand that they give them the money, or they force them to quit their jobs.

Understand that the reason these bullies are so stingy with the money is because they want to control you and they know that having your own money brings freedom and independence. The last thing the abuser wants is for you to have enough money to find an apartment somewhere and skip out on them one day while they’re at work. What better way is there to keep you stuck in the relationship than to keep you broke?

4. Isolating you from family and friends. Spousal bullies (or domestic abusers) do this to cut you off from any support you might receive from outside the relationship. Understand that the bully is very much afraid that you might speak up about the abuse and that your family and friends might advise you to drop them. And gasp! You just might take their advice!

So, they cut you off from your support system and keep you all to themselves to abuse and degrade at will. Again, you must find a way to get away from this person…fast!

5. Using any children you have together as leverage. Many spousal bullies will threaten to take the children and never allow the abused partner to see the kids again. I’ve heard and read many stories like this. Domestic abusers/spousal bullies use the love you have for your children to intimidate you into staying with them and letting them continue the abuse. But understand that when an abusive partner does this, he/she doesn’t really love the children nor want what’s best for them. They only use the poor kids as pawns in a very dangerous game. 

I cannot stress enough that, if you want to protect yourself and your children, you must find a way to leave the relationship and get legal and financial help. Because not only will you be in danger, but your children will too. Also, your children can end up with long-term emotional trauma if you don’t take them and get away. So, please. I beg you. Get your ducks in a row and leave this person, not only for your own safety, but for that of your precious children.

Understand that anyone who must bully and abuse their partner is highly insecure in the relationship. They are the weak ones. They are the cowards. If you are the target in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that none of it is your fault. Realize that it’s not your responsibility to fix this person. Know that you owe it to yourself, your children, and your family and friends to find a way out of the relationship so that you can lead a better, happier, and more productive life, and so that your children, family, and friends do not risk losing a loved one to murder.

Know that you’re worth it and you deserve to be free of your abusive partner and lead a life of peace and safety!

If you’ve suffered spousal bullying (domestic abuse), please feel free to tell your story in the comment section below. Also, if I’ve left anything out, let me know in the comments.

Bullying and Jerky Behavior. What’s the Difference?

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Everyone deals with jerks and disrespect, but not everyone gets bullied.

Jerks and disrespect are a normal part of life. Bullying, on the other hand, is a whole other animal. Although a jerk’s behavior is hurtful and negative, it does not mean that it can be classified as bullying.

When is hurtful behavior classified as bullying, and how do we tell the difference between bullying and disrespect? What is the difference between a jerk and a bully?

When a person is “just being a jerk,” his/her bad attitude is random, sporadic, and directed at anyone at any time.

On the other hand, bullying is when the ill-treatment becomes a habit or pattern and is directed towards one person in particular- the same person over time.

Bullying requires a target! It is systematic, deliberate, vicious, and always escalates over time. Bullying involves smear campaigns, witch hunts and is relentless. Bullying seeks to destroy.

A jerk is afraid you might want something from him.

A bully wants something from you.

Don’t Worry About Who Does or Doesn’t Like You

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Why? Because liking of any person or thing is always subjective, and no two people have the exact likes, dislikes, tastes, or opinions. Know that there will always be those who do not like you and be okay with it because it bears no reflection on you. We all move in different circles and directions.

It’s just how life works and how we were made.

Continue to love and embrace yourself as the person God created you to be. Continue to enjoy the friends and loved ones you do have and never mind the people you don’t have. They aren’t important.

Embrace your differences because no two people are the same. Accept every flaw and quirk you have. Accept no one’s ignorant, cookie-cutter version of what you should be. You are enough!

Imagine how utterly and downright boring life would be if we were all the same. Imagine a world full of white people, black people, or Hispanics- a world full of people with blonde hair and blue eyes or dark hair and dark eyes- a world full of skinny people…or overweight people- or if everyone had the same tastes opinions or beliefs!

It would be like living in a town where all diners were pizza parlors and served pizza but nothing else. Yuck! I love pizza, but I wouldn’t want to eat that every day!

So love being different. Know that there are people who love you and are begging to spend time with you. And above all else, know that God loves you. You will be alright.

Bullies Have to Search for Flaws to Point Out

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Bullies may not have anything on you. Therefore, they must search. Oh, yes! Bullies have to search for dirt. They must look hard for something to get angry at you about. Bullies are on a constant hunt for things that are possibly wrong with you, and believe me. They’re like hounds sniffing a trail.

Bullies will search- and search- and search! They will hunt for anything, no matter how trivial and no matter how minute or tiny the flaw. Then when they find it, they will blow it up- make a big deal of it.

So, understand that bullies are always on the prowl for dirt, controversy, and scandal. And if they can’t find anything, don’t think they won’t invent something.

If bullies select you as their target, they will go over everything about you with a fine-toothed comb.

1.They will scan every word that comes out of your mouth for the slightest hint of sarcasm, stupidity, slowness of mind – anything they can take offense to, be annoyed with, pick apart, or twist to suit a vicious narrative.

2. They look you up and down, then back up. Bullies search your face for the slightest blemish and smallest mole, pimple, or birthmark. They scan the clothes you wear to see if they’re old hand-me-downs or if they’re brand new latest fashions from the department store. Bullies will study your attire carefully, looking for the slightest stain or tear.

3. Bullies stare at your body to see if you’re even the slightest overweight or underweight. They check your nose to see if it’s a millimeter too long and your ears to see with they’re too big.

4. They scan your hair to see if it’s too straight or too curly and your eyes to see if they’re too buggy-looking or too wide-set.

5. They look deep into your eyes, seemingly down into your very soul, trying to see if you are hiding something from them- trying to ferret out your emotional state.

6. Bullies watch your every move, just waiting, with bated breath, for you to trip, fall, drop something- anything they can use against you.

curiosity eye in the keyhole – spy concept

7. Bullies also have an ear cocked for any damaging information about you- any mistake you may have made or anything you may have done wrong sometime in the past- even if it was years ago.

But know this.

If your bullies have to look for stuff to use to throw shade on you, they were probably never bothered by you in the first place. And, truth be known, they’re probably not bothered by you now. So, rest assured, you did nothing to get on their “shadar.”

Three gossip girls listening through the neighbor wall at home

I want you to realize this.

  • when bullies must hunt for stuff to criticize you about
  • when they have to search for things about you to be angry, annoyed, or disgusted with
  • when they have to clock your every move for the slightest inkling of weirdness, awkwardness, or defect

It’s not about them being angry, offended, or bothered. What it is about is POWER! All about power and nothing else!

Every bit of it is a power-play to put you in your place, to force you under their thumb, and to hurt you.

Bullies do it to tear you down, discourage you from defending and protecting yourself. They do it to convince you that you’re nothing, no good, and always wrong. They do it to show you who’s boss- that they’re in charge of your life and you’re not. And that there’s nothing you can do to stop them from harming you.

The more you know, the better you expose the bully and protect yourself.

Psst! I’ve Got a Secret! ‘Wanna Know What It Is?

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Here it is:

Charles Manson Had Many, Many Followers. Jesus Only Had Twelve. If You Are Bullied, This is for You.

If you are a victim of bullying, you probably have very few friends, if any. It’s not your fault. It really isn’t. Truth be known, you’ve more than likely been bullied by your peers for a long time now and your lack of true friends has compelled you to question your own value.

You wonder what your are doing wrong and may even wonder if you’re a good person. Your family and those who truly care about you may assure you that you are indeed a great person, yet you may be thinking, “If I’m so great, why is it that people at school or at work treat me so badly?”

Believe me, I understand, having been through the same situation and had those very thoughts once upon a time.

However, a lack of friends does not mean you’re a bad person nor does it mean you’re doing anything wrong. You are NOT weak, stupid, ugly, crazy, trash or whatever your bullies may call you. No!

In fact, you just may be doing something right! And because you’re doing the right things, you stand out for it.

Think about it this way: Charles Manson, leader of the infamous Manson Family whom were responsible for several gruesome murders back in the late sixties, had many followers. He was responsible for the murders of high-profile celebrities Sharon Tate and Abigail Folger. It’s believed that he was responsible for the murders of over a hundred people.

But Jesus Christ, on the other hand, had only twelve. He never murdered anyone. In fact, He was sinless.

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Also, several big-name celebrities, such as Taylor Swift, Tamar Braxton, Lady Gaga, Prince, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Swayze also got bullied either in a past job, in school or sometime in their pasts and they were very talented and exceptional people. Some of them still get bullied today via hate mail or hate messages online.

Case in point: People who are great, uber talented, exceptional always stand out from the rest. And those who stand out will be targeted by bullies. Do you understand now? Great! I knew that you would!

Rest assured that despite the vile treatment that you may be getting from others, you are awesome and you still matter! Keep standing strong and never let bullies define who you are!

Making Poor Choices Just to be Accepted

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Sadly, targets of bullying often make poor life choices because of bullying. Years ago, I was targeted and yes, I made some really bad decisions, some of which continue to affect my life today.

At the time, I didn’t really know why I made those decisions. However, today, there is no doubt in my mind that the reason I allowed myself to get into smoking marijuana and having sex during high school was that I was lonely from being bullied.

You see? Most targets have been bullied for so many years that they will do anything- anything, to be accepted and make friends. After so long, the loneliness, the despair, and the sadness becomes too much to bear and desperation begins to creep in.

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Young Targets may do one or more of the following:

1. Try drugs

2. Overeat

3. Undereat

2. Have unsafe sex/promiscuity

3. Join gangs

4. Participate in crime

5. Commit high-risk behaviors (like drag-racing and dangerous daredevil stunts)

They will sometimes do these things just to feel like they belong.

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Girls may begin “dating down”. They settle for either a partner they don’t really love, or an abusive partner just for validation that they too can attain romance and they are worthy of love just like everyone else. Boys may do the same.

They may also get into drinking, drugs, and hard partying.

Girls may also deliberately become pregnant because they want so bad to have someone (the baby) to love them.

If you are a target of bullying, I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t have to do these things to be accepted or to feel loved. There are better options.

Instead of making unwise choices, practice your talents, and do the things you enjoy. Spend time with the people who DO love you. Give a little of yourself to help others every day and I promise you, it will pay off sooner or later.

Know that there will come a day when you attract genuine friends into your life. IT’s true. Believe it with every fiber of your being!

They Didn’t Know it, But My Bullies Were My Fans!

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Sadly, neither did I. Although bullying is never a laughing matter, if I’d only realized this back then, I would’ve laughed at them instead of letting them get me upset.

Think about it. When you’re bullied, your peers stay mad at you all the time, have negative and destructive thoughts of you, talk about you constantly, start whispering campaigns to keep you alone and friendless.

You consume their thoughts day and night! And all of this takes so much energy, so much effort! Wow!

All this just for you!

Group of people or crowd cheers carrying signs. The event, Fan club, demonstration concept. cartoon vector

I’m making fun of the bullies, of course. Because they tell all just by their reactions, which only means you’re not boring(Snicker). Good or bad, they keep you relevant. You can rile people up, fire up their emotions, make them crazy with rage without lifting a finger!

All you have to do is be seen or walk into the room, and blood pressures all around you shoot up. You’re making an impact on them.

Understand that bullies don’t hate you. They only hate themselves because you remind them of what they only wish they could be.

Football hooligans are in-game. Angry soccer fans shouting and booing in the crowd. Losing team fans got mad. Furious silhouette people complain and protest a mistake made by the referee.

You may not realize it, but you’re really the one in control. Take advantage of it. Fire them up. Because anger affects a person’s ability to think clearly and causes them to goof up, make a mistake, and shoot themselves in the foot.

That’s right! They’ll get so fired up that they’ll do something stupid and get caught. You won’t even have to snitch! They’ll do it for you!

Although I’m a smart-aleck, it’s also true. You can very slyly get bullies worked up, and they’ll slip up and end up being “hoisted by their own petards.”

It’s easier than you think!

My Story- Enduring Bullying and Abuse

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I didn’t experience bullying, nothing beyond normal teasing, until I moved to a small Tennessee town after having been an Army Brat and lived in several different areas. Until then, bullying had always been something that happened to kids in the movies.

When I became a target of severe and chronic bullying as a sixth-grader at the age of twelve, I began a long lesson in the human predator/prey dynamic and a battle for my dignity, safety, and my very soul.

During the sixth grade, I never fought back. I’d been taught that decent young ladies didn’t fight. So, I took the physical beatings, name-calling, and abuse.

When I entered seventh grade at the age of thirteen, the harassment by my classmates reached a fever pitch. I was a target of what is called “poly-victimization.” I was name called, slandered, humiliated, threatened, physically beaten, the whole nine. And after enough of it, I learned the hard way that I had two choices, either take a stand and fight back or get eaten alive.

bullying bullied bully physical

The more I tried to set boundaries, the worse the bullying became.

The physical bullying was brutal. I suffered horrible beatings, and it escalated to the point of having a box cutter pulled on me and my life threatened.

Every morning before going to school, I would feel a huge lump in my throat and swallow hard. It took everything I had in me to step onto that school bus, knowing what would be waiting for me as soon as I walked through the school entrance.

During P.E., I was good at some sports, but not so good in others. I loved volleyball and kickball but basketball and baseball weren’t my strong suits. Music and writing stories were my gifts, not sports.

However, students and a few teachers judged me because I wasn’t an athlete or a sorority girl. I was the musically talented and creative type. So, what they were doing was akin to judging a fish on its ability to fly.

bullying judging demonize

In just two short years, I went from being a confident and outgoing kid who always made the honor roll, to a sad, withdrawn, angry and bitter girl who made C’s and D’s.

Schoolwork had always been so easy for me. I had been one of those lucky kids who didn’t have to pick up a book. All I had to do was to listen in class and do my homework (which I could get done in minutes), and I’d ace every test. But in a matter of two years, the schoolwork went from being a piece of cake to being difficult and overwhelming.

Who can concentrate on schoolwork when they’re busy looking over their shoulder and dodging bullies. Who can learn effectively when they’re constantly in survival mode?

The torment became next to unbearable, and I attempted suicide at the age of fourteen, which landed me in ICU for a week. I almost didn’t make it.

suicide attempt ambulance

Having my power stripped away was a hell I would not wish on anybody, not even my worst enemy. The trying to keep a calm demeanor amid so much toxicity and the desperately hanging onto my dignity with everything I had was exhausting! I felt as if I were emotionally held hostage by my classmates and yes, even a few school staff as a few of them joined in the bullying as well.

Because I felt powerless, I began to bully those who were even weaker than me in attempts to grab back some of my power, and it is something I’m not proud to confess today.

I had no one to turn to as bullying was considered a normal rite of passage in those days and something I had to deal with on my own. Anytime I spoke out about or reported the mistreatment, I was shouted down by the other classmates and told to “shut up”, blamed for my own suffering, or perceived as a whiner, thought of as weak, and ridiculed. There was no help nor relief.

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I was not allowed to be a human being. There was no margin for error.

They would minimize or ignore any good deed, any accomplishments, and any successes. And they would maximize any mistakes.

If I wore a dress and went to school all dolled up (which I often did in high school), I was trying to either impress the opposite sex or get a date and/or laid. If I wore my jeans the slightest bit tight, I looked like a whore.

If I cried, I was too sensitive. If I laughed, I was trying to get attention. If I got angry, I was crazy. If I was friendly, I was either flirting or trying to kiss up. If I smiled, I was secretly plotting something devious.

I was not allowed to be myself and it was exhausting. It felt as if I were suffering a slow and agonizing social murder.

fake fakery be yourself

The last straw finally came when I was four months pregnant with my first child. I was attacked from behind, thrown over a teacher’s desk, then kicked as I lay balled in a fetal position on the floor, guarding my growing belly and trying to protect my unborn baby. Luckily, my unborn child survived and was born healthy later that year.

After the last attack, I was done with Oakley High. I changed schools, and the bullying stopped. Words cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally have the opportunity to transfer to a new school! To a safer environment! One which would be much less stressful!

I loved my new school and felt like a bird out of a cage! The feeling was of being released from a nearly six-year-long prison sentence. I had done my time in hell and now I could put it behind me.

While riding along the highway toward the new school I would enroll in, I sat in the passenger seat with my then-husband (I got married while still in high school) behind the wheel and cried tears of joy.

positive escape fly away

It was hard to believe that it was over! The persecution! The pain that was so great I couldn’t even cry! It was all finally over! and I could start a new and better chapter in my life. Sure enough, I went on to make friends out of my new classmates, but, more importantly, my grades skyrocketed! The transformation of my grades seemed to happen suddenly and like magic!

After five years, I made honor roll again, then finally, graduation!

I now lead a successful life and use what I went through to help bullied kids today. Anytime I hear of an innocent child bullied into suicide, it truly breaks my heart.

What’s even more heartbreaking is the attitudes and remarks I hear from others around me when a tragedy like this happens! I often hear statements such as:

“But that boy was so quiet!”

“Really??? Still waters run deep!”

“But that girl always kept to herself!”

“No joke! Just as an AIDS patient keeps his diagnosis to himself!”

bullying filming instead of helping

“Shame on him! He was such a coward!”

“Right! Anyone running through the woods from a wild boar would look like a coward to someone sitting safely in a tree! You spend a few years being bullied by everyone you know and see how mighty and brave you are! You’ll find out how quickly your life can go to crap!”

If you haven’t experienced it, you’ll never know what it is to be a target of bullying. I was fortunate in that I survived and moved on to happiness and success. But many victims don’t, which is why writing about bullying and advocating for victims is my passion.

Although being bullied is never a good thing, I did get a few positive takeaways:

1.) Having been bullied has made me appreciate the great friends I have today. It also gave me empathy and compassion for others and a desire to help those who endure the same!

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2.) Having been bullied made a strong woman out of me. It made me more determined never to quit until I reach a goal! Knowing that bullies often bully out of jealousy and fear is the motivation for me.’

3.) Being bullied gave me the determination to love myself, put myself first, and the willingness to say “no” anytime I am asked or told to do something which does not feel right!

4.) Having been bullied gave me the determination to follow my dreams, to do things I most enjoy, and to reach success!

5.) Having been bullied has given me hope. Because I know that if I can go through bullying and survive, then I can rise above anything!

6.) It gave me a soft spot and a great willingness to fight for the underdog.

7.) And lastly, it sharpened my BS detector, giving me the ability to read people, spot a bully instantly and avoid being targeted!

Being a target of bullying almost broke me, yes! But in the end, it made me! And if you’re a target of bullying and you don’t give up, you too can survive and emerge a winner!!!