unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.
Sadly, targets of bullying often make poor life choices because of bullying. Years ago, I was targeted and yes, I made some really bad decisions, some of which continue to affect my life today.
At the time, I didn’t really know why I made those decisions. However, today, there is no doubt in my mind that the reason I allowed myself to get into smoking marijuana and having sex during high school was that I was lonely from being bullied.
You see? Most targets have been bullied for so many years that they will do anything- anything, to be accepted and make friends. After so long, the loneliness, the despair, and the sadness becomes too much to bear and desperation begins to creep in.
Young Targets may do one or more of the following:
1. Try drugs
2. Overeat
3. Undereat
2. Have unsafe sex/promiscuity
3. Join gangs
4. Participate in crime
5. Commit high-risk behaviors (like drag-racing and dangerous daredevil stunts)
They will sometimes do these things just to feel like they belong.
Girls may begin “dating down”. They settle for either a partner they don’t really love, or an abusive partner just for validation that they too can attain romance and they are worthy of love just like everyone else. Boys may do the same.
They may also get into drinking, drugs, and hard partying.
Girls may also deliberately become pregnant because they want so bad to have someone (the baby) to love them.
If you are a target of bullying, I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t have to do these things to be accepted or to feel loved. There are better options.
Instead of making unwise choices, practice your talents, and do the things you enjoy. Spend time with the people who DO love you. Give a little of yourself to help others every day and I promise you, it will pay off sooner or later.
Know that there will come a day when you attract genuine friends into your life. IT’s true. Believe it with every fiber of your being!
Sadly, neither did I. Although bullying is never a laughing matter, if I’d only realized this back then, I would’ve laughed at them instead of letting them get me upset.
Think about it. When you’re bullied, your peers stay mad at you all the time, have negative and destructive thoughts of you, talk about you constantly, start whispering campaigns to keep you alone and friendless.
You consume their thoughts day and night! And all of this takes so much energy, so much effort! Wow!
All this just for you!
Group of people or crowd cheers carrying signs. The event, Fan club, demonstration concept. cartoon vector
I’m making fun of the bullies, of course. Because they tell all just by their reactions, which only means you’re not boring(Snicker). Good or bad, they keep you relevant. You can rile people up, fire up their emotions, make them crazy with rage without lifting a finger!
All you have to do is be seen or walk into the room, and blood pressures all around you shoot up. You’re making an impact on them.
Understand that bullies don’t hate you. They only hate themselves because you remind them of what they only wish they could be.
Football hooligans are in-game. Angry soccer fans shouting and booing in the crowd. Losing team fans got mad. Furious silhouette people complain and protest a mistake made by the referee.
You may not realize it, but you’re really the one in control. Take advantage of it. Fire them up. Because anger affects a person’s ability to think clearly and causes them to goof up, make a mistake, and shoot themselves in the foot.
That’s right! They’ll get so fired up that they’ll do something stupid and get caught. You won’t even have to snitch! They’ll do it for you!
Although I’m a smart-aleck, it’s also true. You can very slyly get bullies worked up, and they’ll slip up and end up being “hoisted by their own petards.”
I didn’t experience bullying, nothing beyond normal teasing, until I moved to a small Tennessee town after having been an Army Brat and lived in several different areas. Until then, bullying had always been something that happened to kids in the movies.
When I became a target of severe and chronic bullying as a sixth-grader at the age of twelve, I began a long lesson in the human predator/prey dynamic and a battle for my dignity, safety, and my very soul.
During the sixth grade, I never fought back. I’d been taught that decent young ladies didn’t fight. So, I took the physical beatings, name-calling, and abuse.
When I entered seventh grade at the age of thirteen, the harassment by my classmates reached a fever pitch. I was a target of what is called “poly-victimization.” I was name called, slandered, humiliated, threatened, physically beaten, the whole nine. And after enough of it, I learned the hard way that I had two choices, either take a stand and fight back or get eaten alive.
The more I tried to set boundaries, the worse the bullying became.
The physical bullying was brutal. I suffered horrible beatings, and it escalated to the point of having a box cutter pulled on me and my life threatened.
Every morning before going to school, I would feel a huge lump in my throat and swallow hard. It took everything I had in me to step onto that school bus, knowing what would be waiting for me as soon as I walked through the school entrance.
During P.E., I was good at some sports, but not so good in others. I loved volleyball and kickball but basketball and baseball weren’t my strong suits. Music and writing stories were my gifts, not sports.
However, students and a few teachers judged me because I wasn’t an athlete or a sorority girl. I was the musically talented and creative type. So, what they were doing was akin to judging a fish on its ability to fly.
In just two short years, I went from being a confident and outgoing kid who always made the honor roll, to a sad, withdrawn, angry and bitter girl who made C’s and D’s.
Schoolwork had always been so easy for me. I had been one of those lucky kids who didn’t have to pick up a book. All I had to do was to listen in class and do my homework (which I could get done in minutes), and I’d ace every test. But in a matter of two years, the schoolwork went from being a piece of cake to being difficult and overwhelming.
Who can concentrate on schoolwork when they’re busy looking over their shoulder and dodging bullies. Who can learn effectively when they’re constantly in survival mode?
The torment became next to unbearable, and I attempted suicide at the age of fourteen, which landed me in ICU for a week. I almost didn’t make it.
Having my power stripped away was a hell I would not wish on anybody, not even my worst enemy. The trying to keep a calm demeanor amid so much toxicity and the desperately hanging onto my dignity with everything I had was exhausting! I felt as if I were emotionally held hostage by my classmates and yes, even a few school staff as a few of them joined in the bullying as well.
Because I felt powerless, I began to bully those who were even weaker than me in attempts to grab back some of my power, and it is something I’m not proud to confess today.
I had no one to turn to as bullying was considered a normal rite of passage in those days and something I had to deal with on my own. Anytime I spoke out about or reported the mistreatment, I was shouted down by the other classmates and told to “shut up”, blamed for my own suffering, or perceived as a whiner, thought of as weak, and ridiculed. There was no help nor relief.
I was not allowed to be a human being. There was no margin for error.
They would minimize or ignore any good deed, any accomplishments, and any successes. And they would maximize any mistakes.
If I wore a dress and went to school all dolled up (which I often did in high school), I was trying to either impress the opposite sex or get a date and/or laid. If I wore my jeans the slightest bit tight, I looked like a whore.
If I cried, I was too sensitive. If I laughed, I was trying to get attention. If I got angry, I was crazy. If I was friendly, I was either flirting or trying to kiss up. If I smiled, I was secretly plotting something devious.
I was not allowed to be myself and it was exhausting. It felt as if I were suffering a slow and agonizing social murder.
The last straw finally came when I was four months pregnant with my first child. I was attacked from behind, thrown over a teacher’s desk, then kicked as I lay balled in a fetal position on the floor, guarding my growing belly and trying to protect my unborn baby. Luckily, my unborn child survived and was born healthy later that year.
After the last attack, I was done with Oakley High. I changed schools, and the bullying stopped. Words cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally have the opportunity to transfer to a new school! To a safer environment! One which would be much less stressful!
I loved my new school and felt like a bird out of a cage! The feeling was of being released from a nearly six-year-long prison sentence. I had done my time in hell and now I could put it behind me.
While riding along the highway toward the new school I would enroll in, I sat in the passenger seat with my then-husband (I got married while still in high school) behind the wheel and cried tears of joy.
It was hard to believe that it was over! The persecution! The pain that was so great I couldn’t even cry! It was all finally over! and I could start a new and better chapter in my life. Sure enough, I went on to make friends out of my new classmates, but, more importantly, my grades skyrocketed! The transformation of my grades seemed to happen suddenly and like magic!
After five years, I made honor roll again, then finally, graduation!
I now lead a successful life and use what I went through to help bullied kids today. Anytime I hear of an innocent child bullied into suicide, it truly breaks my heart.
What’s even more heartbreaking is the attitudes and remarks I hear from others around me when a tragedy like this happens! I often hear statements such as:
“But that boy was so quiet!”
“Really??? Still waters run deep!”
“But that girl always kept to herself!”
“No joke! Just as an AIDS patient keeps his diagnosis to himself!”
“Shame on him! He was such a coward!”
“Right! Anyone running through the woods from a wild boar would look like a coward to someone sitting safely in a tree! You spend a few years being bullied by everyone you know and see how mighty and brave you are! You’ll find out how quickly your life can go to crap!”
If you haven’t experienced it, you’ll never know what it is to be a target of bullying. I was fortunate in that I survived and moved on to happiness and success. But many victims don’t, which is why writing about bullying and advocating for victims is my passion.
Although being bullied is never a good thing, I did get a few positive takeaways:
1.) Having been bullied has made me appreciate the great friends I have today. It also gave me empathy and compassion for others and a desire to help those who endure the same!
2.) Having been bullied made a strong woman out of me. It made me more determined never to quit until I reach a goal! Knowing that bullies often bully out of jealousy and fear is the motivation for me.’
3.) Being bullied gave me the determination to love myself, put myself first, and the willingness to say “no” anytime I am asked or told to do something which does not feel right!
4.) Having been bullied gave me the determination to follow my dreams, to do things I most enjoy, and to reach success!
5.) Having been bullied has given me hope. Because I know that if I can go through bullying and survive, then I can rise above anything!
6.) It gave me a soft spot and a great willingness to fight for the underdog.
7.) And lastly, it sharpened my BS detector, giving me the ability to read people, spot a bully instantly and avoid being targeted!
Being a target of bullying almost broke me, yes! But in the end, it made me! And if you’re a target of bullying and you don’t give up, you too can survive and emerge a winner!!!
Being the object of bullies is a hell that only few people can comprehend. If you aren’t careful, it can very easily turn you from a kind and caring human being to one of two things:
1. an angry, bitter. distrusting and mean-spirited person
2. a sad, sullen, and withdrawn individual.
Bullying can either make or break a person. Sadly, so many people end up broken. But I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be this way.
If you continue to practice self-care, chances are that, although as painful as it may be, the bullying you suffer will not have as much of an impact as it would if you give up on yourself. So don’t – I repeat – DON’T give up! EVER!
I’m living proof. I’m a very happy, healthy, and successful adult. But if you knew me during high school, you never would’ve thought that I would ever make it as far as I have.
The bullying didn’t break me. It made me! I consciously chose not to let it break me, and you, too, have that choice.
Being bullied is never good. But it not only made me a stronger, more resilient, and compassionate woman, it also motivated me.
It gave me the drive to pursue my goals and dreams. It gave me a purpose. That purpose is to spread awareness of the bullying epidemic, which seems to be sweeping the globe. It gave me the drive to become a published author and be a voice for those who are too afraid to speak out.
If you have a dream, there will be people along the way who will do their best to discourage you because if you flourish, it’ll be as if you’re holding a mirror up to them and showing them a reflection of their own pathetic lives.
No matter how others may treat you, you must continue to follow your dreams and do it because it makes you happy. Never dumb yourself down to make someone else feel better about themselves.
Instead, mute the voices of these toxic people and get them out of your life (if possible) as quickly as you can. Then, continue to go after and achieve your goals because life is too short, not to.
You only get one shot at life. Make it count! Do what fulfills you and live life to the fullest! You can do it!
Bullying is a war unlike no other. It’s the fight of your life- a battle in which there’s no clear cut enemy. Bullying is a situation in which hope is your only ally. Don’t lose it! Because, in losing it, you also lose morale and the strength to keep going.
Hope enables you to look to the future and know that whatever you endure in the present will eventually pass. It encourages resilience and gives you the strength to go on. Hope gives you confidence, and with confidence comes the determination to reach the finish line and win the race.
Hope opens doors. It’s that still, small voice that whispers, “Keep going. You’ve got this!”
Holding onto hope fuels success in helping you to attain your goals and desires. It’s the will to persevere during the toughest of times and go after your dreams in life.
Never lose hope. Because if you lose it, there’s nothing left.
education, bullying, social relations and people concept – students gossiping behind classmate back at school
If you’re a target of bullying, I almost certain that you’ve had bullies tell the most outrageous and outright ridiculous falsehoods about you- lies which were laughable at best. And shockingly, everyone in the place actually believed that garbage! And you wondered, “How could anyone with even a lick of sense believe such moronic tales!”
It seemed as if everyone around you was smoking crack. They’d have to be to believe such tripe!
Judgemental girls tauting fellow student
Understand that anytime you’re a target of bullying, you’re at your absolute worst! Anyone would be a total emotional wreck under the extreme pressure that bullying brings. Anytime a person is bullied by everyone, it doesn’t matter how strong they are, how brave they are, how beautiful, how awesome their personalities are. They will eventually be overcome with exhaustion and taken down.
If you’re bullied long enough by enough people, you’ll only be able to stay strong and withstand it for so long. Because we’re all human, and no one can hold up under that kind of stress and adversity forever.
Bullies instinctively know this. So, they increase the abuse until you begin to crack. You will be overwhelmed with so many emotions. You’ll be completely paranoid- and with good reason!
You’ll be furious; you’ll be terrified, shocked, confused, and stressed to the extreme! You’ll have periods of crying. Your appetite will be gone, and you’ll get very little sleep. You’ll have your hair falling out and your stomach will be in knots. You’ll have excruciating headaches. At times, you’ll feel nauseated and even vomit!
Should it be any wonder that people believe everything they hear about you?
They’ve seen you morph from a cheerful, reliable, responsible, and reasonable person to a stressed out, hot mess of a train wreck who’s barely able to function, much less concentrate on schoolwork or job projects.
Here’s another thing:
Joseph Goebbels, who was the minister of propaganda to Adolf Hitler, said it best when he made these statements,
“Tell a lie once, and it remains a lie. Tell a lie a thousand times, and it becomes the truth.”
“The bigger the lie, the more it will be believed.”
Believe it or not, people will believe the big, outlandish lies before they accept the little white lies that make more sense. If we hear something about another person, especially if it’s something huge and horrible and it comes from a person we trust or who has a little bit of power, we may feel shocked and disbelief at first but we will eventually believe it.
And the reason we end up believing it is that the repercussions of severe wrongdoing are so enormous that we don’t want to think that anyone would tell such a big fat lie about someone if there isn’t some truth to it.
We cling to the belief that if a person is audacious enough to make such an accusation about another person, then somewhere, there must be evidence to back it up. Otherwise, they wouldn’t dare make such bold accusations and risk being proven wrong and made to look like a fool!
So, we hold on to the idea that where there’s smoke, there’s fire and allow caution and speculation to supersede any logic. And if we expect trouble to come from a specific place, that’s where we’re going to look.
And when we look for a specific thing, we usually find it.
Also, if a lie goes against the target’s character, we’re more likely to believe it strictly because any story of hypocrisy has a certain amount of shock value and entertainment to it as long as the story is about someone else and not us.
We’re more prone to believe a big fat lie because it frightens the crap out of us. When people hear a lie so big and outrageous, it makes them wonder if they ever really knew the target at all. And the idea that someone they know could do such a horrible thing scares people to death.
Make no apologies for who you are nor what you stand for. And make no apologies for any successes nor victories you’ve had. Most importantly, make no apologies for loving yourself and going after what you want and deserve.
Bullies will get jealous of your successes and victories and try to undermine them. They give you backhanded compliments, accuse you of having “freak luck,” or call you an imposter.
Also, if you’re a confident and happy person, bullies will be jealous of that too. They will accuse you of being “full of yourself,” “arrogant,” “conceited,” and other such nonsense.
Turn a deaf ear to these haters!
Many times, bullying targets, after having been bullied for so long, end up apologizing for or explaining away the beautiful parts of their personalities because they have been forced by others to believe that something really is wrong with them. If this applies to you, I want you to stop doing that! You owe no one any apologies nor explanations for being YOU.
I want you to think about this: Perceptions are often wrong, and just because others “perceive” you to be less than does not mean that you are. Accept yourself, embrace the imperfections. You know the imperfections I’m talking about- the ones you can do nothing about, because we all have them. We wouldn’t be human if we weren’t a little flawed in some way, shape, or form. Stop apologizing, stop explaining, and begin loving yourself for all that you are.
In abusing their targets, bullies objectify them- they reduce their targets to things, mere instruments or tools to make use of and then discard until they need them again.
To objectify someone is to dehumanize them by degrading them to the status of a thing. Targets are treated like things rather than people. Just as male chauvinists and sexual perverts objectify women and girls, bullies do the same with their targets.
Here’s how bullies objectify their targets:
1.Bullies consciously or unconsciously believe they own their targets. And it shows in that they violate their targets’ boundaries- talking down to them, putting their hands on them to cause bodily harm, nosing through, taking, or destroying their targets’ belongings, grabbing their targets and physically moving them if they happen to be in the way, sitting in their chairs, and leaning on their cars. This conveys that the bully thinks they own the target, that the target has no boundaries nor rights, and, therefore, the bullies feel they have carte blanche to do anything they want to them.
2. Denial of freedom, autonomy, and self-determination. Bullies will strip their targets of personal freedom. They boss them around, telling them what to do and how they should conduct themselves. They coerce their targets to do what they want them to do. Bullies also use threats of physical harm to make their targets submit. From the bullies’ perspective, targets have no right to protest nor question their abuse.
3. An instrument. Bullies often use their targets as tools to fulfill their own agendas. An example would be to hate on the target in a group to solidify the bully pack and tighten bonds with one another as they are abusing the target.
4. Silencing their targets. Bullies render their targets voiceless by taking away their voice. They use fear and retribution to keep the target from speaking.
5. They deny their targets’ humanity. To be human is to have the right to choose, be free to pursue your own goals and outcomes, deciding what is and isn’t valuable, and discovering ways to promote what you value.
This is the difference between being human and being an inanimate object. Unlike inanimate objects, humans have dignity. Bullies deliberately take all this away. Bullies are never mindful of their targets’ humanity nor will they consider it. Therefore, the bullies purposefully break the target’s will and reduce them to mere objects of sadistic abuse.
When the bullies succeed in breaking the target’s will by force, they can then possess the target’s autonomy, and with it, their humanity. Once the target loses their humanity, the bullies can then mold them into a thing to be used.
There can be no equality and therefore, no reciprocation in the surrender of the target’s will and humanity to bullies.
The more we learn about the bully mindset, what makes bullies tick, and the inner workings of bullies, the more we will be able to protect our self-esteem, our dignity, and our overall right to live and thrive in this world.
Depression is the lowest point a target can be driven to. Targets of bullying who are depressed have been bullied and beaten down so much, for so long that they’ve progressed downward.
First, these targets were weakened and made to feel inadequate. As the bullying continued, and, more than likely escalated, they next began to feel helpless and hopeless. As time progressed as did the bullying, these targets were driven even lower until they felt resigned. And once they felt resigned, they then sank into depression.
Why is Depression so bad?
It’ because it comes from a feeling of powerlessness. When you feel as if you have power over nothing- when you feel as if your life has been set to autopilot, it’s the epitome of hell on earth.
A depressed target doesn’t fight back because he/she has been worn down. Therefore, they resign themselves after so long. The target has been knocked down by his bullies (and life in general) too many times and they’ve finally given up. The target feels that no matter what he does and how hard he tries to remedy his circumstances, life only comes at him that much harder through his bullies.
Once a target of bullying reaches the point of severe depression, he loses the will to fight. For example, a bully will insult him, and the target will only become more depressed instead of angry. The reason for this is that the target has been brainwashed over time, by repeated and relentless attacks, to believe that he somehow deserves it, can do nothing about it, and is at the mercy of his bullies.
Bullies love picking on the depressed because they’re least likely to push back. Depressed targets see the bullying they suffer as proof of how undesirable and undeserving of happiness they are.
Depression Concept with Word Cloud and a Humanbeing with broken Brain and Heavy Rain
Understand that people who are depressed have already been diminished, so, the bullies don’t have to work so hard to bring them down. That work has already been accomplished. Therefore, all the bullies have to do is keep the target diminished. After all, it’s much easier (and a lot less time consuming) to keep someone down than it is to bring them down. It’s always easier to maintain something than to change it.
Depressed targets have often been run over by so may people that their interactions with others leave them with the belief that they’re inferior to everybody. They have such a sense of inferiority and undesirability and they often misinterpret gestures from others.
They mistake a genuine smile for pity, neutrality for aloofness, and a frown for rejection or contempt.
Targets who are depressed consciously or subconsciously berate themselves because the bullying and abuse they’ve suffered for so long and, in many cases, still suffer, has reshaped their thinking, feelings, self-evaluations, and self-belief.
I tell you these things because I was there once, and it was the lowest point of my life. And this post is for those who DO NOT understand what bullying can do and who DON’T understand depression and the sheer hell of it. Many people have been there, they understand. But sadly, there are also many who’ve never battled it and don’t understand it.
The effects of bullying and the depression it brings is heartbreaking because the target has been broken and may either remain that way, or spend years, even decades, mending and healing. But know that the target can heal.
Understand that this may require a lot of therapy, but they can reprogram themselves to regain their confidence and feel good again. They can take their lives back.
It won’t be easy. In fact, it will be hard, even exhausting at times, but will be worth it later. If you are battling depression brought about by bullying, or anything else, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, accident, injury, or any traumatic event, know that there are people who care and can help you. You are not alone and it’s okay to not be okay.
I’m sending warm and loving thoughts and prayers your way!
When I could talk about and better yet, write about the bullying I had suffered and be open and honest about how it made me feel without feeling ashamed or embarrassed, that’s when I knew I had healed.
I also discovered some positive takeaways, such as wisdom, a sharper people sense, and an ability to detect lies and sense bad intentions. I also developed a determination to put my needs first and to say no. In short, I discovered the value of self-care.
I now realize that the bullying I suffered back then was only ensuring that I wouldn’t be a target later because it was teaching me exactly what to watch out for in other people. But even better, it was setting me on the path I was meant to be on. It was paving the way for me to help others!
Anytime we haven’t healed from trauma, we tend to bury it and deny it ever happened. We pretend we’re stronger than what we are, and we act as if we’re someone we aren’t. We run from it rather than admit what happened to us and how it changed our lives.
Healing isn’t easy because to heal requires that we feel the pain. We must allow ourselves to go through emotions that aren’t comfortable and that make us feel vulnerable and out of control. That’s the most difficult part. We must admit to ourselves that our bullies and abusers made us feel weak. Understand that this process will take time. It will not happen quickly. It may even take years.
But in the end, it will be worth it because once the pain and feelings of vulnerability are dealt with and begin to subside, we can move on and get our lives back. We can finally attain the happiness we deserve.
In fact, we can use what we endured to help someone else who is currently suffering the same scourge and there’s nothing more rewarding!
This is what makes us not only survivors, but overcomers, winners, conquerors!
So, know that you can escape bullying. You can heal, and you can overcome! You too can become a conqueror! Please hold on to hope!
It’s because any time you counter a bully, not only do you restore your self-esteem, but you also restore the balance of power. In other words, you take back your personal power, the very thing your bullies are trying to take away from you.
This puts bullies in panic mode because they feel that if they lose power over the target, they’ll then lose power over everyone and everything. To further break this down, the bullies are afraid they will lose face, and with that, they will lose respect, credibility, allies, and support. Then, they will become the bullied.
Bullies have an obsessive fear of going from hunters to the hunted. And why not? You aren’t the only person they’ve bullied. There were many others before you and bullies know all too well that most normal people hate people like them, and love to see them get what’s coming to them.
Everyone loves to see a bully get brought down and once a bully is brought down, no one will ever allow them to get up again, to put it figuratively.
This is why bullies will pull out all the stops to keep their targets under their control. If the bullies cannot control their targets, they control nothing. Most people are still under the presumption that targets are weak and if a bully can no longer dominate the target others will see that and the bully will be at everyone else’s mercy.
Others will look at the failed bully and think, “Wow! If he can’t handle a wimp like him (the target) then he really couldn’t handle me! This is a juicy opportunity! I can punk this creep out so easily!”
The bully then becomes the new man on the bottom. Gasp! Because if you can’t overpower the person who’s deemed the weakest link in the bunch, then you become the new weakest link! Ouch! Talk about a humbling situation!
Therefore, the bully retaliates against the target for daring to stand their ground and assert their basic rights, the target counters again, and the bully only hates the target that much more. And with each provocation from the bully and each counter the target delivers- each wise crack, each sarcastic comeback, each clever witticism the target returns, the more determined the bully is to tip the scales of power back in his favor and save face.
With the target’s counter jab comes pain and humiliation for the bully and the human reflex is always to punish or eliminate the cause of that pain and humiliation. And the punishment can come in psychological or physical form.
When a target stands up to a bully, the bully feels stripped of power because the target just upset that power imbalance and took back her power. Therefore, the bully retaliates to restore the power imbalance and retake the target’s personal power.
In cases like these, targets have two choices, either keep fighting back with counterattacks or give up and feel even worse about themselves later. And most targets who’ve had enough will keep fighting until the bully gives up and leaves them alone.
And I would encourage them to do so because, eventually, bullies will give up after being humiliated so many times, then they’ll slink off with their tails between their legs and find another person to dominate. Remember that bullies must always have a victim. It’s sad and pathetic but it’s true. But all you should concern yourself with at this point is that they leave you alone. Then later, once you heal and recover from the exchange, you can help the new target.
Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.
“Get over it!”
“Let it go!”
“Forget about it!”
How many of you have been told to do either of these? As if you could just wiggle your nose and everything is peachy king. When you’ve been abused, you cannot just let it go. Healing takes time.
The emotions you feel won’t just go away. Even if you paint a smile on your face and pretend that nothing’s wrong, these feelings will still be there, simmering under the surface, and the more you try to stuff them down and bury them, the more damage it will cause.
Understand that the emotions you’re feeling are there for a reason. They warn you that something isn’t right. Realize that the anger and hurt doesn’t disappear overnight and the people who give you that kind of response are ignorant and only re-abuse you when they demand that you “get over it.”
In order to heal and get your life back again, you must allow yourself to feel those raw emotions. No, it isn’t comfortable. No one wants to feel pain. But you must go through it to come out on the other side of it. And while you’re moving through the pain, practice self-care.
Give yourself some TLC. Have self-compassion. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to baby yourself.
Take a few days off. Lounge around the house in your pajamas if you want to. Eat your favorite treat or give yourself a good, sweaty workout. Treat yourself to a spa-day, facial, new do, or a beach vacation. Your first priority is self-care, whatever it may be for you.
Last and most important, don’t shut up! Keep speaking out and standing in your truth. Self-care also means being your own advocate and if people don’t like it, too bad.
There is a huge difference between a boss and a leader. I have had several bosses but not that many true leaders. Here is the difference between the two.
A boss is a demanding blowhard. He/She is bent on power and loves to lord it over the subordinates. He expects them to bow down. He is a bully and uses intimidation, threats, and force to get his employees to do what he wants.
She has to literally make her subordinates carry out her wishes because although they would never tell her, the subordinates secretly do not respect her and naturally resist her demands.
A Leader is sincere and is a team player. He works with subordinates to get the job done and get it done correctly. He is never a show-off and doesn’t toot his/her own horn.
She treats her subordinates with respect because she knows that she must treat them with respect and kindness to get the cooperation she needs.
A Boss browbeats and degrades his workers when they make a mistake. He’s arrogant and lets his position go to his head.
A Leader is down to earth. He addresses the employee who made the error yet gives that person positive reinforcement or constructive criticism. He gets his point across simply by having a great attitude toward his workers and being calm and level-headed. A leader refers to his subordinates as “people I work with.” Notice the word “with.”
A Leader will work with you. A Boss will make sure the whole company knows that he is “over” you.
A Leader is strong, competent, and has impeccable people skills.
A Boss is a weak windbag and bumbling idiot who has to trumpet his own importance and authority to get others to notice, and it often has an undesired outcome.
A Leader will roll up his sleeves and help his people when a task is overwhelming. He doesn’t mind hard work. He will help you out when you’re having difficulty completing a task, and he will work just as hard as you to help you finish the job.
A Boss is useless and lazy. He will only stand over you like a slave master, barking orders and watching you struggle. And he will do it complete with arms folded across the chest, legs wide apart, and a sour look or smirk on the face. He may even secretly take pleasure in seeing the subordinates struggle.
People are drawn to leaders, enjoy working with them, and love them. On the other hand, people despise bosses and will cross a busy street if necessary, to avoid them.
People are also more than happy to do what the leader wants because they always make them feel valued. The leader naturally has others eating out of his hand with minimal effort. In contrast, the boss only gets resistance from others, and people will do the exact opposite of what he wants because the boss makes people feel low and taken advantage of.
A boss isn’t even an afterthought to others, but a leader is unforgettable. A boss is a schmuck! A leader is a champion!
Bosses come a dime a dozen, but Leaders are very few and far between.
Anybody can be a boss, but it takes an exceptional individual to be a leader.
So, which would you prefer to work for? A boss or a leader? Better yet, which would you rather be? A boss or a leader?
It all comes down to you. You are responsible for your successes and your happiness. Happiness is a choice, not something that magically happens to only certain people.
It’s okay to cry when someone hurts you. It’s okay to be hurt, angry, and sad. In fact, you need to allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to get angry. Permit yourself to cry it out. Just don’t unpack your things and live in that dark place.
Never let the cruel words and actions of a bully alter your outlook on the world around you, humanity, and especially yourself! Know that bullies’ behavior does not reflect on you! It reflects on the bullies themselves and their issues. Although I realize that this is not always easy.
Understand that your bullies are cowards and fighting demons of their own, albeit the wrong way, and their mistreatment of you is only proof of it.
In most cases, the reason why bullies point out your shortcomings is to distract people’s attention from their own. They’re so afraid that somebody will find out what their weaknesses are. Bullies are notorious for projecting their flaws onto their targets to keep other people from seeing theirs. It’s pathetic when you think real hard about it.
And trust me, we all have imperfections. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Distraction and projection are how bullies operate. They would be the top two tactics in the “How To Bully” handbook if there ever were such a guide. Understand that bullies bully out of only, fear and insecurity!
Child abuse with the eye of a young boy or girl with a single tear crying due to the fear of violence or depression caused by hunger and poverty and being afraid of bullying at school.
So, never let your tormentors decide how you should feel about yourself. And never allow them to cause you to feel sorry for yourself because self-pity is so unattractive and socially repelling! I’m telling you this because there were times when I made the same mistake, and the only thing it did was bring more misery and repel people. So I tried something different. I began countering everything with comebacks, affirmations, and positive thoughts.
Only when you begin to counter your bullies’ statements will their words not have as significant of an effect on your self-esteem. In other words, your new, positive self-talk will become a buffer to the bullies’ insults and name-calling, and you won’t be nearly as hurt or saddened by it.
Remember that no matter what anyone says about you, you must look in the mirror every single day and convince yourself that you are the best thing God created. That you are the best, and sometimes, the best are the ones who get mistreated. If you must have this self-talk every minute of every day, then do it because any positive internal dialogue has to be consistent to sink in.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try positive self-talk and praising yourself for all your good qualities and know in your heart the good you bring to this world and the blessing you are to the people who love you. Because the more you love yourself and the less self-pity you live in, the easier it will be to find solutions.
Being predictable is dangerous. Because if a bully can predict your reaction or your next move, it’s game over. Remember that bullies are very socially intelligent, and they tend to spot behavior patterns in their victims.
Bullies carefully observe a potential target, looking for any patterns of behavior, habits, and weaknesses. They closely monitor your reactions to everything, what ticks you off, what makes you happy, and what excites you. They scrutinize the way you do things, even the way you arrange objects.
They study your moods, body language, and expressions to feel out your emotional state. And in observing you, bullies leave no stone unturned.
Bullies are like bank robbers who case out a bank before pulling off the heist. The robbers get the bank’s layout, search for any vulnerabilities in the security system, and look for any patterns of patrols and the comings and goings there.
Is it any wonder that being targeted for bullying can feel like being under a microscope? Like you’re being watched? It’s because you are!
Being too predictable is unwise when you’re bullied. Instead, make it a point to be unpredictable.Be as fluid with every as you possibly can. I know it won’t be easy because we’re all creatures of habit. It’s going to take work.
But understand that bullies fear a fluid person and will leave him/her alone if they aren’t sure how they’ll react. So, try new things every day, in everything. It will surely pay off!
