Month: May 2021

“Get Over It!”

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Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.

“Get over it!”

“Let it go!”

“Forget about it!”

How many of you have been told to do either of these? As if you could just wiggle your nose and everything is peachy king. When you’ve been abused, you cannot just let it go. Healing takes time.

The emotions you feel won’t just go away. Even if you paint a smile on your face and pretend that nothing’s wrong, these feelings will still be there, simmering under the surface, and the more you try to stuff them down and bury them, the more damage it will cause.

Understand that the emotions you’re feeling are there for a reason. They warn you that something isn’t right. Realize that the anger and hurt doesn’t disappear overnight and the people who give you that kind of response are ignorant and only re-abuse you when they demand that you “get over it.”

In order to heal and get your life back again, you must allow yourself to feel those raw emotions. No, it isn’t comfortable. No one wants to feel pain. But you must go through it to come out on the other side of it. And while you’re moving through the pain, practice self-care.

Give yourself some TLC. Have self-compassion. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to baby yourself.

Take a few days off. Lounge around the house in your pajamas if you want to. Eat your favorite treat or give yourself a good, sweaty workout. Treat yourself to a spa-day, facial, new do, or a beach vacation. Your first priority is self-care, whatever it may be for you.

Last and most important, don’t shut up! Keep speaking out and standing in your truth. Self-care also means being your own advocate and if people don’t like it, too bad.

Put yourself first!

Would You Want to Be a Boss or a Leader?

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There is a huge difference between a boss and a leader. I have had several bosses but not that many true leaders. Here is the difference between the two.

A boss is a demanding blowhard. He/She is bent on power and loves to lord it over the subordinates. He expects them to bow down. He is a bully and uses intimidation, threats, and force to get his employees to do what he wants.

She has to literally make her subordinates carry out her wishes because although they would never tell her, the subordinates secretly do not respect her and naturally resist her demands.

A Leader is sincere and is a team player. He works with subordinates to get the job done and get it done correctly. He is never a show-off and doesn’t toot his/her own horn.

She treats her subordinates with respect because she knows that she must treat them with respect and kindness to get the cooperation she needs.

A Boss browbeats and degrades his workers when they make a mistake. He’s arrogant and lets his position go to his head.

A Leader is down to earth. He addresses the employee who made the error yet gives that person positive reinforcement or constructive criticism. He gets his point across simply by having a great attitude toward his workers and being calm and level-headed. A leader refers to his subordinates as “people I work with.” Notice the word “with.”

A Leader will work with you. A Boss will make sure the whole company knows that he is “over” you.

A Leader is strong, competent, and has impeccable people skills.

A Boss is a weak windbag and bumbling idiot who has to trumpet his own importance and authority to get others to notice, and it often has an undesired outcome.

A Leader will roll up his sleeves and help his people when a task is overwhelming. He doesn’t mind hard work. He will help you out when you’re having difficulty completing a task, and he will work just as hard as you to help you finish the job.

A Boss is useless and lazy. He will only stand over you like a slave master, barking orders and watching you struggle. And he will do it complete with arms folded across the chest, legs wide apart, and a sour look or smirk on the face. He may even secretly take pleasure in seeing the subordinates struggle.

People are drawn to leaders, enjoy working with them, and love them. On the other hand, people despise bosses and will cross a busy street if necessary, to avoid them.

People are also more than happy to do what the leader wants because they always make them feel valued. The leader naturally has others eating out of his hand with minimal effort. In contrast, the boss only gets resistance from others, and people will do the exact opposite of what he wants because the boss makes people feel low and taken advantage of.

A boss isn’t even an afterthought to others, but a leader is unforgettable. A boss is a schmuck! A leader is a champion!

Bosses come a dime a dozen, but Leaders are very few and far between.

Anybody can be a boss, but it takes an exceptional individual to be a leader.

So, which would you prefer to work for? A boss or a leader? Better yet, which would you rather be? A boss or a leader?

Who Are the Real Bullies?

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If you want to know who the real bully is, ask yourself these questions:

“Who has the most power?”

“Who has the most social capital?”

But most importantly, ask yourself these questions:

“Who are the people no one is allowed to criticize?”

“Who are the people everyone is AFRAID to criticize or even question?”

“Who are the sacred cows- the people who seem to be untouchable and beyond reproach?”

“Who can openly inflict abuse on people and get away with it?”

If you can answer these questions honestly, you know who the bullies are.

Bullied? Whatever You Do, Don’t Wallow in Self-Pity.

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It all comes down to you. You are responsible for your successes and your happiness. Happiness is a choice, not something that magically happens to only certain people.

It’s okay to cry when someone hurts you. It’s okay to be hurt, angry, and sad. In fact, you need to allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to get angry. Permit yourself to cry it out. Just don’t unpack your things and live in that dark place.

Never let the cruel words and actions of a bully alter your outlook on the world around you, humanity, and especially yourself! Know that bullies’ behavior does not reflect on you! It reflects on the bullies themselves and their issues. Although I realize that this is not always easy.

Understand that your bullies are cowards and fighting demons of their own, albeit the wrong way, and their mistreatment of you is only proof of it.

In most cases, the reason why bullies point out your shortcomings is to distract people’s attention from their own. They’re so afraid that somebody will find out what their weaknesses are. Bullies are notorious for projecting their flaws onto their targets to keep other people from seeing theirs. It’s pathetic when you think real hard about it.

And trust me, we all have imperfections. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Distraction and projection are how bullies operate. They would be the top two tactics in the “How To Bully” handbook if there ever were such a guide. Understand that bullies bully out of only, fear and insecurity!

Child abuse with the eye of a young boy or girl with a single tear crying due to the fear of violence or depression caused by hunger and poverty and being afraid of bullying at school.

So, never let your tormentors decide how you should feel about yourself. And never allow them to cause you to feel sorry for yourself because self-pity is so unattractive and socially repelling! I’m telling you this because there were times when I made the same mistake, and the only thing it did was bring more misery and repel people. So I tried something different. I began countering everything with comebacks, affirmations, and positive thoughts.

Only when you begin to counter your bullies’ statements will their words not have as significant of an effect on your self-esteem. In other words, your new, positive self-talk will become a buffer to the bullies’ insults and name-calling, and you won’t be nearly as hurt or saddened by it.

Remember that no matter what anyone says about you, you must look in the mirror every single day and convince yourself that you are the best thing God created. That you are the best, and sometimes, the best are the ones who get mistreated. If you must have this self-talk every minute of every day, then do it because any positive internal dialogue has to be consistent to sink in.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, try positive self-talk and praising yourself for all your good qualities and know in your heart the good you bring to this world and the blessing you are to the people who love you. Because the more you love yourself and the less self-pity you live in, the easier it will be to find solutions.

You’re worth it! Don’t you think?

Another Weapon Bullies Can Use Is Your Predictability

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Being predictable is dangerous. Because if a bully can predict your reaction or your next move, it’s game over. Remember that bullies are very socially intelligent, and they tend to spot behavior patterns in their victims.

Bullies carefully observe a potential target, looking for any patterns of behavior, habits, and weaknesses. They closely monitor your reactions to everything, what ticks you off, what makes you happy, and what excites you. They scrutinize the way you do things, even the way you arrange objects.

They study your moods, body language, and expressions to feel out your emotional state. And in observing you, bullies leave no stone unturned.

Bullies are like bank robbers who case out a bank before pulling off the heist. The robbers get the bank’s layout, search for any vulnerabilities in the security system, and look for any patterns of patrols and the comings and goings there.

Is it any wonder that being targeted for bullying can feel like being under a microscope? Like you’re being watched? It’s because you are!

Being too predictable is unwise when you’re bullied. Instead, make it a point to be unpredictable. Be as fluid with every as you possibly can. I know it won’t be easy because we’re all creatures of habit. It’s going to take work.

But understand that bullies fear a fluid person and will leave him/her alone if they aren’t sure how they’ll react. So, try new things every day, in everything. It will surely pay off!

The more you know, the better your defense.