Tag: bullying

unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

The Bullying Survivor

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The survivor of bullying who escapes the abuse first comes out with shock, anger, and sadness. But once the healing is underway, they’re filled with renewed hope.

When school or workplace bullying experiences have exposed you to the darkest sides of human nature, you have a stronger sense of your own endurance and capability. This is all because of what you have endured and were able to overcome.

You never know your own strength until you’ve overcome bullying, especially severe and chronic bullying.

Another takeaway is that the survivor has a stronger sense of people. She can smell fakery and BS from a mile away and can spot bullies before even talking to them. The survivor pays closer attention to how people carry themselves, body language, and the vibes and energy others put out.

survivors x-ray eyes

He is better able to avoid people who might want to harm him because he’s learned, the hard way, the importance of listening to his gut instinct and heeding it anytime something is even the slightest bit “off” about a person. In short, the survivor of bullying has learned that it’s okay, even paramount, that he trusts himself, and in that, his feelings and judgement.

On the other side of bullying, a survivor learns and develops the determination never to conform to the standards and criteria of others, but to live life on her terms because she knows what it’s like to be a slave to the approval of others. She knows what it’s like to be a prisoner to outside influences. She knows the powerlessness of having one’s pleasure depend of the permission of others. She knows what it’s like to be forced to apologize for simply being who she is and she’s not having any of it!

Overcoming past abuse gives the survivor a restored and refined sense of his worth and knowledge of the immense value he brings to this world. He awakens to his goodness and realizes that yes! He is worthy of love, friendship, affection, and of all the best things in life. He also realizes that he is loved and always was no matter what all those vile people told him!

The survivor of bullying ends up with a much clearer vision of what she will not tolerate nor settle for. She is unmovable in her refusal to kiss arse or bow down to anyone no matter what the cost may be. She’s spent enough years living on her knees and if she’s going to be punished for her unwillingness to kowtow, she’ll suffer those consequences standing up.

The survivor of bullying is also a fierce warrior for other victims. If he sees another person being bullied, he’s will stand up for that person and go toe to toe with the bullies to protect the target.

The survivor who has overcome bullying isn’t afraid to say no, nor to walk away from any relationship that doesn’t fulfill and nourish him. He refuses to be stuck in any environment that doesn’t allow him to grow and flourish.

The survivor is more aware than ever of what she deserves and goes after it with resilience and tenacity. Life’s given her enough of what she doesn’t want and now it’s time for her to go get what she knows is due her.

The survivor realizes, probably more than anyone, that life is short, and you only get one shot in this world. And she works diligently to create the life she knows she deserves, and she does it without guilt. She knows that she’s not entitled nor privileged. She realizes that the big bad world owes her nothing. And that’s okay.

The survivor realizes that there’s no such thing as a free ride because, heck, no one ever gave him anything but hell. What he understands more than anything as that all you have is you and the only person you can depend on is you. So, he knows that reaching his goals and dreams is up to him and him alone. And he works toward what he wants with a fervor.

The survivor of bullying makes it a point never to take anyone for granted but lets her family and friends know that she loves and values them. Why? Because she knows what is like to be alone, unwanted, and abused and she would never want anyone- especially the people she cares about feel that way or endure it.

The survivor of bullying savors every wonderful moment, every positive encounter, and every happy event because he has seen enough negativity.

What the survivor enjoys more than anything else is wonderful relationships and happy moments, and most of all, she’s grateful for them. She also enjoys helping others who go through what she once endured. And she uses her experiences to encourage them and give them hope.

Sometimes, you must be torn down to be built up again. Sometimes you must first be dejected and left lonely before you can truly appreciate the family and friendships you have later. And sometimes, it takes being forced into the chains of others’ approval and validation before you can enjoy the freedom of self-love and the indifference to the opinions of those who don’t matter and, perhaps, never should have mattered.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Things That Happen When You Call a Bully’s Bluff

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As we all know, bullies are convincing liars. But what happens when they finally get called out on their lies and evil deeds. Let’s use scenarios to find out.

For example, you’re a target of bullying. You find out that the one friend you thought you could trust has been spreading your deepest secrets and spreading lies behind your back while only pretending to be your best buddy (This can apply to both school and workplace environments). When you confront her, here are her possible reactions.

1. She will deny it or, at the least, try to avoid the subject. How you’ll know she’s dishonest? She will change the subject by talking about a topic irrelevant to the issue while appearing to be busy doing a task. Girls are known for this.

2. She will become irate and go on a tirade. She may even yell and curse at you. She may turn it back on you and accuse you of being paranoid, crazy, a crybaby, etc. But understand that she only looks and sounds desperate when she does this. Know that this is just another dead giveaway, and most bullies get highly defensive when they’re afraid they’re busted.

Understand that most bullies will get loud. They scream, yell, and pound their fists, curse, and swear when they fear exposure. However, don’t let this scare you because the dramatics and theatrics they display only mean that the bullies are desperate!

3. She will lay guilt trips on you.

“Well, if you were my friend, you wouldn’t believe…”

“If you were a true friend to me, you wouldn’t even question my loyalty.”

Don’t buy that garbage. The person is just trying to make you feel guilty or trying to intimidate you into silence. If your so-called friend was the only person you told any secrets to or knows about your life outside of the school, workplace, or organization, it’s a safe bet they’re guilty. And if enough people tell you that she is saying things behind your back, especially people you’ve never met or had any dealings with or people who aren’t a threat to you, she’s guilty!

Example 2: You have a bully on your back, and you’ve finally had enough. You call him/her out on his/her bad behavior and begin speaking out about the abuse she dishes out.

4. She will escalate the harassment to either punish you or intimidate you and shut you down. Understand that the bully is afraid of being exposed, facing accountability, and losing face and will stop at nothing to silence you.

5. He will justify himself with full conviction.

“If you didn’t always make trouble, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you!”

“If you weren’t so stupid, I wouldn’t give you such a hard time!”

“You made me do it because you always do this when you should do that!”

“If you would just do this, I wouldn’t have to do that!”

“You won’t shut up, so you deserve it!”

Again, don’t believe a word of it! Continue to report the harassment. You must protect yourself by speaking just as loud and with just as much conviction as the bully. Make plenty of noise because the wheel that squeaks loudest gets the grease!

6. She will slander you to everyone who will listen to her and try to turn others against you. Again, understand that this bully is afraid of being exposed. So she spreads rumors and lies to discredit you by distracting others from her appalling and embarrassing behavior by making you look like the guilty party.

If the bully can make you look bad and turn everyone else against you, she reaps several benefits.

a. She can intimidate you into silence and avoid any future risks of exposure.

b. She can discredit you, make herself look like the victim, and, therefore, gain attention and sympathy from other people.

c. She can successfully cut you off from any support you might otherwise receive.

d. She gets the green light to bully you again later and with impunity.

e. She gets to move up the social ladder and win more friends and allies.

f. She gets the satisfaction of maintaining power, domination, and control over another person.

As goes the old political quote from World War II, “Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.”

People pointing a woman hidden behind a computer

Understand that any smear campaign is designed to protect the guilty bullies from being exposed and shift blame onto innocent victims. It’s a tactic used since the beginning of time!

So, don’t shut up no matter what! Continue to call out the bullies’ behavior! And if they react like any of the above, tell them like it is.

Say this:

“The tirade isn’t going to work anymore” or “Go ahead and lie all you want. Everybody knows this is only retaliation because I had the gall to expose your deplorable behavior! Right,(the bully’s name)? Is that what this is, (Bully’s name)?”

Be sure to say the bully’s name at the end of the above questions because that really shakes a bully when you put his/her name on it!

If the bully says, “No!” Tell her in a fast and short tone, “Oh, yes it is, and you know it, (Bully’s name)!”

Counter. Everything. She. Comes. Back with!

4 Things Bullies and Abusers Do When You Finally Speak Out About Their Abuse

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If you’re a survivor of bullying and abuse and you finally begin speaking out about your bullies and their abusive behavior, you instantly put them on high alert. You put them in defense mode, and they will do one, some, or all of four things:

1. Lash out at you. This is, perhaps, the most revealing. Many bullies and abusers will go into a tirade. They’ll scream and yell at you, they’ll curse you out and call you the ugliest names- everything but a child of God. I know it’s difficult to do, but don’t panic and don’t be afraid.

See it for what it is- you just forced them to reveal their true colors because when your bullies (or former bullies) attack you by getting enraged and flying off the handle, that’s when you know you’ve busted them. Or, more appropriately, you’ve forced them to bust themselves! Yay for you!

2. Deny their abuse, and sometimes to your face. Lots of times, bullies and abusers may confront you either calmly or aggressively, claiming they never bullied or mistreated you. They may even through out subtle hints that you must’ve misinterpreted them or that you “have everything misconstrued.” Again, no matter how calmly or subtly they do it, this is gaslighting and it speaks volumes about their character.

3. Defame you. The second you see their bullying and abuse for what it is and call it out, is the second bullies and abusers lose control over you. If these people can no longer control you, they will control your image in the eyes of others. And they will tell everyone who will listen what a lowdown piece of garbage you are.

But, as difficult as it may be, don’t let it phase you. Realize that they’re panicking and in a mad rush to do some damage control because they’re afraid that word about their true nature just might get around and cause them to lose face.

Most of the time, your former bullies and abusers will tell others that you’re “crazy” and that you’re having some sort of mental episode. Again, they’re only revealing their true colors because if you weren’t telling the truth, they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t react so desperately. So, always see this as an admission of guilt.

4. Avoid you. These types won’t bother you. Instead, they’ll avoid you like the plague because they’re scared. Understand that this is the best outcome because if they’re avoiding you, you don’t have to worry about them abusing and bullying you again. Why? Because they know they’ve been found out and that word of their abuse is already very quickly circulating.

So, the last thing they want is to do anything that has even a scant possibility of making them look guilty because they fear their reputations are already on shaky ground. Although these people are cowards, they’re making the smartest move by simply staying away from you and avoiding even mentioning your name.

However, be advised that not all people who avoid you will stay away from you for long, they may avoid you long enough to defame you to others or they just might be secretly plotting revenge against you for daring to open your mouth. Different bullies and abusers react in different ways and may use any or all four of the above defensive measures.

You must realize that bullies and abusers, even those who are formerly so, count on your silence and they detest, or more appropriately, fear being exposed. Exposure is the worst thing that could happen to them because they risk losing respect in the community and other people seeing them for the monsters they are.

Bullies make everything about appearances and when you will back the curtain, you make liars and hypocrites out of them.

So, naturally, they’re going to either attack you, avoid you, or both. They may make statements such as:

“Well, we were just kids then.”

“But that’s all water under the bridge.”

“Just let bygones be bygones.”

Or

”Just let sleeping dogs lie.”

They may tell you to “get over it” or accuse you of bringing up old stuff. Understand that any time people make these statements, their main goal is to shut you up.

But they have other objectives as well:

1. To minimize their past brutality and the impact it all had on you

2. To make you look like a whiner who just can’t “let the past go.”

3. To cover their backsides and minimize any dents to their reputations or any backlash they might receive.

Again, don’t be afraid. Instead, see it as they’re unwittingly revealing themselves and let them go at it. Let them launch their personal attacks.

Before I close, I’d like to make another huge point: When you speak out about your bullies and their abuse, you force them to explain themselves. Anyone who must explain and justify themselves or their behavior is never in a powerful position.

So, in forcing your bullies to explain themselves you instantly snatch them out of their position of power and move them into a vulnerable position. In other words, you automatically turn the tables and leave the bullies in a very helpless and subordinate place. In short, you strip them of power. Ouch!

In forcing the bully to explain their past or present behavior, you instantly remove their “authority”- their power because neither power nor authority ever explains itself. It doesn’t have to.

Hence the reason bullies despise even the thought of having to give explanations because it puts them in a weak and subordinate position.

No wonder bullies get crazy when you out them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Problem with Looking Outside of Yourself for Your Value

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Bullying is hurtful no matter how confident you are, that much is true. We’re all human and we all have feelings and emotions. However, the effects of it are even more damaging when we’re insecure and only look outside of ourselves for our value, in fact, the damage to the self-esteem is exponentially higher.

The problem is that when you look outside of yourself for your value, you automatically look to others to give it to you. And when you do this, you put yourself at their mercy.

Therefore, I have repeatedly emphasized over six years of blogging that knowing your worth is your foundation and that it’s never good to look outside of ourselves for it. Understand that your value, or worth, whatever term you prefer, comes from within and never from without.

Here’s why it’s better to let your value come from the inside:’

1. You can never control the environment around you. Many times, we will find ourselves in toxic environments full of poisonous people, whether it be the school we attend, the company we work for, or the home or neighborhood we live in. When you know yourself and, in that, know your value and let it come from the inside, any bullying or abuse you’re likely to get from others won’t have such an impact on you.

It will hurt, yes. But it won’t be nearly as devastating and cause you to suppress as much of yourself because, deep down, you’ll know who you are and that the people around you are only saying the things they say to diminish you.

Also, when the crap gets too thick, you’ll know when it’s time to bail out of the environment. In knowing yourself and knowing your worth, you’ll realize that you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and that you’re better off leaving this cesspit and moving on to greener pastures.

And you’ll do it without feeling guilty- you’ll do it knowing that it isn’t because you’re “chicken” or “running away from your problems” but because you deserve better. You’ll know what’s best for you, and that it’s because you’re looking out for the best interests of your health.

2. You can never control others’ behavior and how they think of you. And because of this, it’s never good to rely on the approval of others for your value. Understand that there will always be people who don’t like you and some who even hate you and when you depend solely on the approval of others, you make yourself a doormat. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, don’t give another person that kind of power!

When your value comes from within, you will have respect for yourself, you will love yourself and you will have great self-esteem. You will give yourself compassion and care when others take pot shots at you. You will have the confidence and courage to protect yourself and stand up to abuse. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that the idiots around you are the ones who have the issues and not you.

Your value should always from you. Never from another. You get your value from knowing who you are and knowing that you were put on this earth for a good reason. Realize that everyone serves a good and higher purpose here. You may or may not know what that purpose is, but you are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and fulfill it. And know your value!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Confirmation Bias

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People will believe what they want to believe, and no amount of solid evidence will convince them if they refuse to believe it. Sadly, the only way confirmation bias has anything to do with truth is when the truth matches the belief.

If the truth doesn’t match the person’s beliefs, chances are strong that they’ll only deny it and look elsewhere for evidence that contradicts that truth.

Understand that bullies do the same when it comes to their targets. They seek to justify and explain away their cruelty and abuse and find arguments that support their opinions of the target. Bullies either don’t realize (or refuse to) that this creates problems.

Any time bullies disregard information that contradicts their beliefs, they either don’t realize they’re doing it, or they do know what they’re doing but don’t care.

Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.

For instance, bullies abuse the target, they get caught and are standing tall before a member of authority to answer for their abuse. So, the bullies tell the person in authority that there’s a good reason why they beat up the target and make up a cockamamie excuse for their brutality. They blame the target, saying that he instigated the fight by spreading a rumor that could cost them their reputations and they just had to teach him a lesson.

This justification has worked for them before, but this time is different. Instead of convincing the person in power that they had a good reason for bullying the target, and it backfires on them.

This is what confirmation bias is- it’s the tendency to recall, interpret, and favor information in a way that confirms a pre-existing belief.

Bullies commit this type of bias when they desperately search for evidence that supports their pre-existing beliefs of their targets. They will be selective in their stories of the target, either adding to or taking away from the truth, this is how they make their lies so convincing. They rarely tell straight up lies, they mostly take one tiny grain of truth and embellish it.

Bullies either blow it up, water it down, or heavily distort the truth. They are also good at (conveniently) taking things out of context. But understand this: all this is done deliberately. Bullies will distort anything to shoehorn it and make it fit their beliefs and agendas.

Bullies will even cherry-pick different parts of the truth, the parts that fit their beliefs, and then add their own spin to it to glue the pieces together to create their own version of the truth and make it sound believable. This is done so that it can fit the bullies’ existing beliefs.

Think about it. The media does this all the time. A witness may pull out their phone and film something terrible that is happening right before their eyes, they then send it to a news station to be broadcasted.

When the new media gets a hold of the film, they will edit out anything that doesn’t fit their beliefs or agenda and only show the bits and pieces of the film that best fits the story they wish to put out. If they get an audio recording, they will also edit it and create soundbites, only broadcasting fragments of the recording that best fits the story they want to tell the public.

It’s all the same.

Granted, each one of us looks at things from our own perspective, therefore, we all have a tiny bit of confirmation bias in us because everyone looks at the world differently.

However, bullies will take this to a whole different level, and they will twist, distort, embellish, and lie to get the answers they desire. And if it means denying solid evidence- any solid, concrete evidence which is in the target’s favor, then that is what they will do.

Understand that the reason bullies do this is to discredit their targets and skew the perspectives of any bystanders and authority members to create prejudicial and negative views of and attitudes about the target.

And to make it sound even more truthful and further cement the hatred of others against the target, they will repeat and repeat again the same false narrative a million times.

It’s so important that we understand the mindsets of bullies, their tactics, and their intentions behind such tactics. It’s also important that these tactics have names and that we know those names and how to describe them. Only then will we be better able to speak out about them and be our own advocates should we become targets of bullying.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Reasons Why Bullies Like to Target Classy Chicks and Good Girls

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Before I start, I want everyone to know that in no way am I judging anyone who is sexually liberated. If it’s what makes you happy, then do your thing. Live how you want because we all have free will. So, I won’t attempt to do a job that’s only God’s to do.

But when bullies who are sexually liberated (and the vast majority of them are) mistreat and label classy women and good girls because they choose not to live the same lifestyle as they do and to save themselves for true love, that’s when I’m going to have something to say and I can tell you that some people won’t like it.

So, here goes.

Have you noticed that it’s almost never the not-so-good women and butt-floss wearing females who get targeted for bullying? It seems that it’s mostly the girls who are discreet and have self-respect who are the worst treated. They’re excluded, ridiculed, and made to feel like they don’t matter. Moreover, it seems to be the former who go after the latter.

But why?

1.Pop culture and music. We get subliminal messages from the music, movies, TV, and other media outlets that push the narrative that it is okay to act like a, dare I say, “ho.” Girls listen to a lot of “thot-pop” and watch videos of overrated stars like Cardi B and Miley Cyrus, who bare it all and commit blatant sexual acts for all the world to view right from their livingrooms. Who remembers either watching or hearing of Cardi B’s raunchy performance with Megan whatshername live to her infamous “WAP” song?

Sadly, our girls are getting the message that it’s okay, and worse, completely normal to let it all hang out and to act inappropriate in public- that it’s completely fine to cheapen themselves and make themselves nothing more than a sex object- that it’s better to use your behind rather than your mind to get ahead in life. Society is embracing the wrong values and bullies are persecuting the classy ladies who don’t or won’t jump on board the illicit “sexualize yourself” bandwagon.

(This?)

(or this?)

The running narrative is that anything goes, and that showing belly, boobs, and butt is what it takes to get a man, when, in reality, no guy who’s worth his salt would even consider a long-term relationship, much less marriage with such a woman.

2. Bullies and sadly, most of society, are under the false belief that classy women are old-fashioned and boring. It’s no secret that bullies prioritize the wrong things (attention, approval, admiration, and popularity). So, they’re all for engaging in indecent behavior and stripping down to nothing if it will get them lots of those social benefits. Because bullies are all about being idolized and worshiped while sneering at others who aren’t ratchet and slutty like they are.

But! Here’s the thing. Maybe, just maybe, it isn’t only that bullies consider classy women and good girls to be old-fashioned and boring. It just might be that bullies know that classy women and good girls would never bow down and worship them- these are the females who won’t give them the validation they’re seeking and worse, who might reject them! Gasp!

So, again. Why do people bully good girls and classy women?

Because a good, classy, down-to-earth lady respects herself too much to kneel before anyone. And the narcissistic she-bullies are more than likely to be the butt-cheek baring, all-eyes-on-me, girls. And the lady deems attentions-seekers to be of the lowest common denominator. Therefore, such females aren’t worth her time, and the she-bullies know that and are angered by it.

God forbid that anyone they deem inferior rejects them. I mean, think about it. Maybe that’s why these she-bullies are so hell bent on bringing the decent and classy women down is because, deep down, they know these women already look poorly on them. They have an I’m-gonna-get-you-before-you-get-me kind of attitude.

So, to all the good, decent, and self-respecting classy young ladies out there, this is my message to you.

Know that your worth is so much higher than the she-bullies and their tomcat male counterparts who bully you. Because you have standards, a strong sense of self and know that you’re not sex objects, you chose to expose your mind and not your behind. And one day, it will be highly valued by a real man who truly deserves you and wants to love you.

Know that your worth isn’t determined by the eye candy and cheap appearances you can offer men, nor is it determined by what you can do for them. Your worth is determined by what you can do for yourself and how well you treat yourself and others.

That’s why the best thing you can do is to be a lady because it is the ladies who end up being the winners. They don’t have to resort to cheapening themselves to get male attention or to fit in and they don’t accept attention from the cheap tomcats who crawl up behind the she-bullies.

The beautifully decorated, yet half-naked she-bullies are a dime a dozen. The she-bully only attracts the dogs- the beta-men who only pose as alphas- the cheap playboys who are only there to hit it then quit it.

But a lady is a keeper. She’s not a one-date wonder or a one-night stand because she knows she’s worth more than just her body. The lady doesn’t care what petty people think of her. She doesn’t give a hoot that the she-bullies and their tomcats look down their noses at her because they don’t matter.

It is the lady, the once-bullied classy chick and good girl who will score a high-value man because she is a high-value woman. And because of this, the lady will live a good life because she has good morals she chooses to live by. And the morals they have are, in fact, so strong that they’re unchanged by the decaying society in which we unfortunately live.

Instead of being half-naked to fit in, the lady will stand out by keeping her clothes on. This doesn’t mean she dresses like a nun, but she keeps it classy. And that’s why you’re already ahead of the game.

She-bullies are only good for a one-time roll in the sack.

Ladies, on the other hand, are wife for life material.

I can’t stress this enough. Don’t let the desire to fit in cause you to relax your values, your morals, your beliefs, and your convictions. Hold on to your standards. Things may be lonely for you now but the things about you that your bullies snub and ridicule will be the very qualities that real people, men and women, with strong beliefs, values, and confidence will cherish. You just wait!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Judging Others for Past Mistakes is Counterproductive. But Are Bullies Unaware of It or Do They Really Care?

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We’re all human and we will make mistakes. Most of us eventually learn from those mistakes and became better people. We realize our mistake and move on, or we try to, but others make it difficult to move on. Understand that there will be those who judge you on your past mistakes and who will flat refuse to let you live it down. Bullies and their followers are such people.

Granted, some people don’t think about the fact that lashing out at others for their past mistakes doesn’t necessarily make them do better but only alienates, angers, and upsets them. However, if you’re a target of bullying, I want you to realize that bullies already know these things. Oh, trust me- they do know it. Only they don’t care about alienating you because they see you as inferior.

Therefore, the reason why they judge and harp on you is so that they can feel superior to you. Bullies have an insatiable and unsatisfied need to feel superior to their targets and your mistake is just the fodder they need to get that addictive power rush they crave and can’t get enough of.

People who aren’t bullies understand that some of us are so sensitive that, if we find out we upset, hurt or offended someone, even by accident, we automatically punish ourselves more than anyone else ever could. But bullies and their followers, on the other hand, don’t care. In fact, they want you to punish yourself and they want to help you along in doing so because no amount of pain you feel will ever be enough for them and no amount of power, they lord over you will satisfy them.

Bullies know that to have others bear down on you and refusing to accept an apology is terrifying for targets. That’s one reason targets tend to over apologize.

But understand that no matter what mistakes you’ve made, even intentional mistakes can be forgiven. There have been reports of ex-gang members who have changed their ways and changed the way they think. There have been countless ex-convicts who have turned their lives around and helped to rehabilitate others living those lifestyles. They have saved and changed the lives of countless children who were headed for the penitentiary or the grave!

So, if they can redeem themselves and be an asset to the lives of others, don’t you think that you have an equal chance of doing that too?

Now, were they bad people for what they were doing at the time? Absolutely.

However, if people are willing to learn, to change, and to become better people, then they deserve forgiveness. They deserve a second chance, and we should give it to them, or at least make a conscious effort to.

And therefore you shouldn’t feel inferior to bullies who bring up your past mistakes. Realize that they’re the inferior ones for being so petty.

If you are a bully and you get off on punishing people for simple slips. You will drive more people to suffering from excessive guilt, depression, anxiety and may even push those vulnerable to taking their own lives. And if they’re survivors like me and have a healthy and solid sense of self they’ve worked damn hard to rebuild, they’ll only tell you to take a long walk off a short pier and keep moving. I can guarantee that you’ll only end up getting your feelings hurt.

And if you’re a target of such people, I want you to know that I’m behind you one hundred percent and that you don’t have to tolerate this garbage. And the bullies who bring up your past mistakes? They just might be projecting or distracting because they have a few skeletons rattling around in their own closets.

But this happens all the time. Especially social media where groups of unknown, faceless cowards can jump on the bandwagon and tear into some poor sucker for a screw up from twenty or thirty years ago.

Remember that most bullies have a lot of social prowess. Therefore, it’s safe to say that they know but just don’t give a fat rat’s patootie because their only aim is to make you feel inferior and themselves superior.

And knowing this makes it much easier to know how to respond to these kinds of games. So, respond accordingly.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When Bullies Discount The Target’s Pain and Suffering: The Subtext of It

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Bullies are notorious for abusing their targets, then turning around and discounting their normal, understandable, and justifiable sadness, fear, anger, and depression that result as a direct cause.

But understand the subtext of your bullies’ actions and discounting of your pain-

“Your feelings mean nothing.”

“Your pain and suffering aren’t real and don’t matter.”

“You’re not allowed to be sad, angry, scared, or depressed when we abuse you.”

When bullies discount your pain and suffering, they may make statements such as:

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re such a crybaby.”

“Can’t you take a joke?”

“You’re jumping to conclusions.”

“You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”

“You’re always on the defensive.”

“You’re taking stuff too seriously.”

“It’s only in your imagination.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re always trying to start something.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

…and the list goes on

The target may wonder why it is that he’s always in the wrong when he doesn’t mean to be. Understand that this is victim-blaming. And the bullies must blame you to keep from having to take responsibility for their behavior.

If nothing else, remember this:

You always know when something doesn’t feel good. So never doubt what you feel. Never second guess what you feel in your gut. Always listen to that jab in the pit of your stomach because your body never lies.

Then respond accordingly.

Bullying and Bias Go Hand in Hand

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Humans tend to be selective of those who are more like them because sameness brings comfort and security. We can choose who to date, who to be friends with, hang out with, and with whom to do business. We choose who we choose.

I can agree that we have the right to choose the people we associate with. What we don’t have the right to do is mistreat, dehumanize, and demonize the people we don’t choose. Although we may not like certain people, we should respect their right to human dignity and to exist. We should let them go on with their lives and pursue their happiness, goals, and dreams, rather than try to hold them back just because they’re different from us.

Though we may not like a person, we must know that that person is due the same human rights. And where we go wrong is when we regard anyone different from us, “the enemy,” solely on their differences and not because of any actions they’ve done against us.

In deeming someone an enemy without just cause, we force them to become our enemy by the abuse we commit against them. Our offense justifies their defense. We make them an adversary by provoking them to fight back and defend themselves.

Biases can cause a kind of tunnel vision in that we can’t see outside our comfort zones. Sameness and familiarity may make people more comfortable and give certainty and security, but, on the downside, it causes narrow-mindedness and short-sightedness. It produces blind spots, and the more biased we are, the more we miss, or rather, reject information that may broaden our horizons and make us better and more informed people. In short, it promotes blindness to the world around us.

It’s like living in a small town all your life and never venturing outside the city limits. There’s so much you miss because there’s a much bigger world outside that small town.

It’s the same with selecting the same types of people to be in your life- people who look like you, think like you and act like you. You cheat yourself out of meeting many people who are also great and exciting. You miss out on people you could learn from and who would otherwise be significant assets to your life- people who would otherwise be great friends and add love and positivity to your life.

After all, “variety is the spice of life.” Right?

On the other hand, when you base your biases only on character and open yourself up to people who are different from you, you open yourself up to a much wider world. You broaden your outlook, widen your vision, and open yourself up to a broader range of ideas that might add benefit to your life.

With knowledge comes empowerment.

The Dangers of Copping Out Behind Victimization

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Too many survivors use victimization as justification for wrongdoing. They feel that because they suffered, life owes them somehow. I have seen people mistreat others merely because of the bullying they suffered in the past and think that it’s the only way they can feel empowered again. Sadly, I was guilty of the same thing in high school. It isn’t something I’m proud of today.

Example: Some people may choose to rob a bank or burn down a corporate building because they grew up poor and felt like they didn’t get a fair shake in life. Again, they feel like the world owes them and that there’s justification for striking back against a system they believe screwed them over.

When the law finally catches up with them and hauls them off to jail, they become even more embittered because the perpetrators feel that being held responsible for what they did only further evidences that they aren’t getting a fair shake.

These criminals fail to realize that we’re all still responsible for our actions regardless of what happened to us in the past. Evil behavior always brings consequences. You reap what you sow.

Past victimization does not justify wrongdoing. Ever! A reason does not equal an excuse. We’re all responsible for our lives, whether or not we admit it.

I could have gone on bullying others because people bullied me in the past. But where would it have gotten me? Nowhere! That behavior would have only brought consequences and more misery.

Wouldn’t it be better to learn from adversity and take accountability for your life? To try and make your life better than it was in the past? Of course, it would.

I promise you. You will be so much better off.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Living in The Past Is a Hallmark of Victim-Mentality

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A while back, a fellow blogger inspired this post with a comment, and she was spot on with it. For the life of me, I cannot remember who the blogger was, but I’d like to thank her in advance.

Sadly, too many survivors of bullying still render themselves, victims by living in the past. They constantly ruminate over the bullying they endured, wondering if they could have done anything differently and wishing they had.

They look back with remorse, shame, guilt, and regret. Now, it’s normal to do right after you’ve gotten out of the toxic environment that encouraged the bullying. I completely understand because I did it too. However, when this goes on for years and years, you only hold yourself back. Unnecessary baggage only keeps you down.

Many survivors trap themselves in an endless cycle of what-ifs. They keep themselves stuck and forgo opportunities to learn from and grow from their experiences. Some seek revenge. Others only bury it, live in denial, and try to rewrite history.

Understand that this is a waste of your time.

On the other hand, some survivors become conquerors. They acknowledge that, yes, the bullying happened, and, yes, it was painful, then aspire to learn and grow from it.

I realize that, once you’re out of an extremely toxic environment, there will be a period of grief. Again, completely understandable. It’s okay to mourn the loss of time bullying caused. It’s okay, even recommended, to feel angry and hurt for a while. In no way should you ever trivialize this period of mourning because it’s real, and it happens to survivors when they’re fresh out of an abusive situation.

And different people have different periods of grief.

My crying stage lasted a month; yours may be a lot longer or shorter. It depends on the person. Some may choose to get therapy, and others won’t. But there comes the point when you must move on and not allow it to take over your life. Don’t let your bullies live in your mind rent-free for too many years. They’ve already taken away enough of your life. Don’t you think?

You owe it to yourself to heal and begin to accept what happened, then learn and grow from it. Only then can you reach empowerment and find happiness.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Resilience of The Target of Bullying

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Understand that we, as humans, know what we need to nourish and flourish. And if we’re not getting what we need and want in our current environment, we’ll get it somewhere else.

Targets of bullying are like flowers that lean toward the sunlight to grow.

If you’re a target of bullying, you will find someplace where you’re accepted. You will find friends. You’ll find love, and you’ll find happiness.

My bullies weren’t able to keep me bullied and broken. After I moved to a new school, their power ended. I was no longer within their reach. As badly as they wanted to, they couldn’t keep me under their bootheel forever. I moved on to a place with people who accepted me as I was.

Understand that bullies can only keep you down for so long. They can’t do it forever. There’s always somewhere people will accept you- just for being your awesome self. Always remember that. There’s always a better tomorrow!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What’s The Deal With Bullies and You-Statements?

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Have you noticed how bullies always seem to make “you” statements? You this, and you that; “you always” this, and “you never” that. You, you, you! The thing is, these statements are so transparent and so telling. They speak volumes about the bullies and nothing about the target because they are hallmarks of the typical abuser- accusation, and blame.

Here are a few common you-statements bullies make.

“You lie all the time!”

“You always bitch and complain about everything!”

“You’re (stupid, ugly, crazy, a liar, a wuss, etc.)!”

“You can’t leave well enough alone!”

“You’re a chicken!”

“You couldn’t find your ass with both hands!”

“You’ll never amount to anything!”

“You just keep pushing it!”

“You’re always trying to start something!”

“You always blow everything out of proportion!”

“You bring it all on yourself!”

“You always have to screw everything up!”

And the list is endless.

blame accuse pointing finger

Know that these you-statements are designed to tear you down and keep you there. They’re meant to strip you of your rights as a human being, your dignity, your autonomy, your joy, your pride, all of which is your personal power.

You must counter them, then turn them around on the bully. How to do this is by simply saying, “No I’m not, YOU are!” or “No I don’t! YOU do!” Then dismiss the bully and walk away.

The bully might argue back but the important thing is that you’ve made your point. And you walk away and leave the bully standing there running their mouth and looking desperate and stupid.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

As Much as We May Hate Politics, We Must Acknowledge that Bullying and Politics Go Hand in Hand

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Politics is a dirty word to a lot of people. Why? Because politics is dirty in and of itself. And though many of us may hate politics, we must acknowledge that it exists and that it’s everywhere!

I completely understand why the word itself leaves such a bad taste in your mouth. It does mine as well, because I’ve been a victim of it many times in my lifetime. Let’s been real, we’ve all been victims of it at some time or another.

However, we must realize that bullying and politics go hand in hand- always! There’s office politics in the workplace and school and student politics at school as well as local, state, national, and world politics. Again, politics is everywhere. And the longer we deny it, avoid it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, the longer we will continue to get steamrolled.

Hence the term, dirty politics.

Dirty politics is used to manipulate and restructure social hierarchies, and therefore, dis-empower targeted people and groups. Understand that dirty politics, in general, is about gaining power, nothing more.

But isn’t bullying also about dis-empowering targets and centralizing power only to a few in the in-group or the highest echelons of a social hierarchy in a school, workplace, community, and on up? Of course, it is.

Bullying and politics, or, more appropriately, dirty politics, are as ugly and nasty as they are close relatives.

Now do you see the connection between bullying and politics, particularly, dirty politics? I thought that you would. Understand that bullying is dirty politics!

I’ll leave you to think on this and if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to share them in the comments below and I’ll answer them as quickly and accurately as I can.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What It Means to Have That Sick Feeling in The Pit of Your Stomach

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When I see a bully from my past, I get that nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach even now. I don’t even want the person around me. I have no ill will toward the person, and I don’t hate them. I only wish for the person to stay away.

Understand that these body sensations never lie. They are there to warn you of impending danger, and you should always listen to them. That gut feeling is there to protect you. There are other names for the gut feelings we get. We also call it our instinct, a hunch, or sixth sense.

There’s a good reason God gave this instinct to us. It serves as an internal alarm to warn us when something is wrong. Animals have these instincts, too, as do babies and children.

Instincts in animals are a lot keener than in humans because they must survive in the wild. And the instincts of babies and children are much keener than in adults. The reason for this is that the world hasn’t yet tainted children and conditioned them to tone down that sixth sense.

To stay safe, we must reteach ourselves to obey what our senses try to tell us.

Your heart will deceive you, and so will your mind. But your gut is always honest. Listen to it.