Choose Your Friends Wisely: 9 Criteria to Judge by

September 13, 2024March 7, 202520 Comments

‘Want to know how to choose your friends wisely even if people are bullying you? Here are the exact criteria to go by.

Choosing friends can be especially difficult when you’re a target of bullying. Because bullies have maligned you to others and destroyed your once-good reputation, you may not have any friends at all.

As a result, you can become so desperate for friendship that you may choose people who only come around to take advantage of you. Therefore, it’s essential that you learn how to choose your friends wisely.

In this post, you will learn the exact criteria you should base your choices of friends on.

After you learn which characteristics to look for, you will then be able to choose your friends wisely and shun those who are not healthy for you. Moreover, you will have the courage to give fake friends the boot and wait until better people come along.

This post is all about How to Choose your friends wisely and the criteria you should use when making your selection.

Before we go over the criteria, let’s discuss why people pick the wrong people to be friends with.

It’s normal to respond positively to people who smile at you and those who are or, at least, seem kind and like “nice people.” However, you should never take people at face value because appearances can be deceiving.

Anytime you’re a target of intense and chronic bullying, there will be time when you will feel lonely. Moreover, that loneliness can grow so much until you become too determined to have friends. This will leave you vulnerable.

Consequently, human predators will notice your vulnerability and they will take full advantage of it. But that’s not all.

They may even do worse! They may exploit and weaponize it against you!

Therefore, if people ritualistically bully you every day, it’s imperative that you keep your eyes open and watch out for these types. Also, never allow desperation for friendship trick you into lowering your standards. You must remain selective to keep the creeps away.

Choose your friends wisely: What Characteristics should you look for?

Being selective of your friends doesn’t mean choosing the type who only tell you what you want to hear. You can get that anywhere. Moreover, many people will tickle your ears just to manipulate you or soften you up.

It goes much deeper.

Also, it’s not about how much money or prestige they have- the hot car they drive or latest fashions they wear. Neither is it about how good they look or how popular they are.

It’s all in how they make us feel about ourselves, and the space they give us to grow. Even better, it’s how they help us to grow and vice versa.

Understand that you can’t buy things like honesty, loyalty, integrity, class, respect, and love. The person either has them or they don’t. And there are a lot of people with money and wealth who are as slimy as can be.

Here are the criteria:

1. Do they show up?

Consistency is key in a friendship. Do you ever hear from them? And no, I don’t mean pauses between visits. Sometimes life gets in the way and people get so busy that they go for several months without seeing their friends. However, they still maintain some contact even if it’s through social media.

Therefore, if you don’t hear a peep out of the person you call friend for over a year or two, it’s pretty good guess that you’ve drifted apart. In life, friends do come and go and it’s a normal part of life.

But, when you’re the only one initiating contact, that’s a problem. It’s a sign that you’re making all the investments.

2. Choose your friends wisely: Have they been there for you when the chips were down?

This is a biggie! Supportiveness is crucial in a friendship. If your friends are always there when you’re riding high, then suddenly disappear when you’re flat on your back, that’s a huge red flag.

Don’t settle for fair-weather friends. You only want friends who are there when you’re sick, broke, grieving the death of a loved one, or just having a hard time. These types of friends are keepers because, rain or shine, they’re there for you regardless.

3. Do they have your back when your bullies come calling?

This is another biggie! Real friends will back you up when nefarious people come against you. They’ll protect you from the unsavory types. Fake friends will only bail on you and leave you to fend for yourself.

Therefore, it’s crucial that you be selective. Because, when friends who disappear when you’re in danger, they only prove themselves to be sniveling cowards. What you need are strong and brave friends who aren’t afraid to stand up for you when you’re being attacked.

4. Choose your friends wisely: Do they respect you?

Do they treat you as an equal or do they treat you as if you’re inferior? Do they throw backhanded comments and talk over you when you’re speaking or do they allow you to speak and respect your feelings.

Moreover, do they respect your opinions even if those opinions differ from theirs? And do they respect your time? In other words, do they get angry when you can’t be there right away because you have a sick child or parent?

These are the questions you must ask yourself anytime you’re in doubt about a friendship. Because if they have no respect for you, it’s time to ditch and switch.

This means ditch the friends who don’t respect you and switch to friends who do. And if you don’t have friends who respect you, find some.

5. Do they accept you or do they only tolerate you?

When you’re around friends who only tolerate you, you can tell right off. You feel awkward around them because you notice little micro-flashes of resentment. You’ll also notice that you’re always lagging behind the rest of the group because they won’t stop and wait on you.

Also, they make you feel bad about yourself and cause you to doubt yourself. Moreover, they make you feel left out and discarded.

You’ll also notice it in how they look at you and in how different they treat you compared to how they treat the other members. Even more hurtful is the fact that you’re the only one in the group who never gets an invite to any shindigs they may have.

These are all clues that these people are not right for you! They’re a complete waste of your time and energy. Therefore, drop this bunch like a bad habit.

6. Choose your friends wisely: Can you trust them?

In other words, have they ever stolen from you or dated your partner behind your back? This should be a no-brainer. Anyone who does these things is dishonest and lacks integrity. Not to mention, they’re about as loyal as a snake! Time to give them the old heave ho!

7. Do they trust you?

In other words, do they judge you by your good actions and refuse to believe it when bullies and others speak negatively of you? This is super important. Anyone who automatically believes lies and smears about you doesn’t deserve your friendship and you should tell this person to get lost!

This bears repeating! When someone you think is your friend takes a bully’s word over yours, this person might as well be an enemy. Drop them like a hot brick!

8. Are they forgiving?

In other words, do they forgive you after a spat. Do they know that you’re still their friend even if you must go a long time without contact? If so, you have a keeper. If not, you might want to re-evaluate the friendship and make some changes.

9. Choose your friends wisely: Are they good listeners?

In other words, are they there for you when you need to talk? Moreover, do they listen attentively when you need a shoulder to cry on? This is just as important.

If your friends won’t do any of these things, it’s time to decide whether you want to remain friends with them.

In closing:

Selectiveness is important. Although media, politicians, and other talking heads trumpet terms such as “inclusive,” “inclusivity,” and such. However, being selective is not being exclusive.

When you’re selective of your friends, it means that you pick people of integrity and keep out the snakes to protect your peace.

Therefore, always keep company with those who make you feel the best about yourself. This means the people who want to see you do good for yourself, the people who point you in the right direction, and the people who remain loyal even when the chips are down.

Associate only with the people who love, encourage and want your very best. Reserve your friendship only for those who have your back! Choose the friend who is willing to walk through the fire with you.

They won’t block your path to success. You won’t have to fight for their time or their love. They will make time for you and give love freely. Therefore, be selective of who you let in your life.

This post was all about how to choose your friends wisely so that you can head off trouble before it comes and protect yourself from future betrayal and heartbreak.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

2. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

3. Removing Toxic People: 5 Successful Ways to Give Them the Boot

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

Needy Behavior: 5 Reasons it Derails Your Social Life

August 13, 2024August 13, 20247 Comments

‘Want to know why and how needy behavior destroys your social life? Here are 7 reasons why being needy repels the right people and attracts the wrong people.

Chronic bullying causes so many social problems for victims. When a victim is selected for bullying, bullies begin a vicious smear campaign that can destroy the victims friendships and relationships.

In other words, people begin turning against them because no one wants to risk their own reputations by associating with the bullied person. As a result, everyone isolates the bullied person.

This can cause needy behavior in the victim because they become so desperate for friends that they’re willing to humiliate themselves just for one tiny crumb of human connection.

However, most victim don’t realize that this only makes things worse.

If this is you, this post will teach you how to recognize needy behavior in yourself when it happens. Moreover, you will learn powerful ways to stop the behavior so that you can take back your power and your dignity.

This post is all about how to recognize and stop needy behavior so that you can take back your self-respect and control over your life.

How Do You Recognize Needy Behavior?

You recognize needy behavior by first assessing your inner dialogue, or self-talk. In other words, your thought patterns.

If you’re thinking to yourself things, such as:

“If only I was ten pounds thinner and had long, flowing hair, maybe my friends would like me”

“Maybe if I had bought front row tickets to the game, concert, etc. instead of regular tickets, he would love me.”

“If only I made a 4.0 instead of a 3.99, my family would be proud of me.”

“Maybe I should have bought her a dozen roses instead of a half-dozen, then she would love me.”

“Maybe if I worked sixteen hours a day instead of twelve, then my boss and coworkers would like me.”

Then, yes, you may be exhibiting needy behavior without even knowing that you’re doing it. When you feel needy, you tend to act that way.

Moreover, most bullying targets tend to hold those toxic beliefs about themselves, which translates to, “I’m not enough.” However, I want you to know right now.

You are enough and always have been. It’s just that other people, for selfish or nefarious reasons, have managed to convince you that you aren’t. Therefore, you should see them for what they are… liars!

So, How do you recognize needy behavior in yourself?

Before we go any further, you need to know this. It’s easy to see this kind of behavior in others. The view is always much clearer from the outside.

However, it’s difficult to see a certain behavior in ourselves. We do things all the time without thinking about it. Self-awareness is a must and most people don’t have it, sorry to say.

Here are the behaviors to watch out for:

1. You’re constantly bending over backwards to prove your worth to people.

For example, you may put in lots of effort to help around the house and no one thanks you for it. Or worse, they don’t even acknowledge it.

Here’s another example. You may buy the girl who went on a mercy date with you a dozen roses and even shell out money to pay her car payment… you get the point.

You feel you must buy her love.

The girl doesn’t even like you but she’ll sure take your money and may even thank you for it. However, she doesn’t want to go on a second date. But she forces herself to go to keep getting the benefits from you.

So, while you’re on this date, she ignores you and talks to other guys, making you feel like a loser. But, to hang onto her, you keep giving her money, letting her bleed you until you’re broke.

And once you have nothing left to give her, she ghosts you!

Understand that this over giving never works. It only produces the opposite of your desired result!

What usually happens when you do this?

Anytime you sacrifice yourself to score approval points, you spin your wheels and get nowhere. If anything, people won’t respect you. They’ll only look down on you with a mixture of pity, disgust, and hilarity.

They think you’re pathetic when you’re so eager to kiss butt in you weak attempts to win friends and dates. Also, the more you give at your own expense, the worse others treat you. Why? Because you leave yourself wide open for use and abuse.

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval. Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

You only attract predators, while repelling good, quality people of class and decency. Additionally, human predators have a spidey sense when it comes to picking out those who are weak and approval-seeking. They’ll see you coming a mile away!

And they will take full advantage and bleed you dry of resources, time, and worse! Confidence and happiness!

2. You go out of your way to maintain friendships with people who only tolerate you Just to keep from being alone.

Anytime you become needy, some people might include you in their groups, but not because they like you or want to be around you. They’ll only pretend to like you because they feel sorry for you.

And the last thing you should want is someone’s pity. Yuck! Who in their right mind would want to settle for that? But wait! It gets worse!

After a while, any pity these people might have for you will wear thin.

Here are a few reasons why needy Behavior is not only unattractive and humiliating but downright dangerous:

1. Any time you’re a target of bullying by everyone- the group of so-called friends who pretend to like you put themselves at risk of being made targets themselves. And they know it.

In the minds of the bullies and others, these so-called friends of yours are guilty by association. Therefore, instead of being an asset to the group, you become a liability!

2. The group must pretend to like having you around because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

But their real feelings about you will only seep out in ways that are not so obvious. It’ll be so subtle that you may not even know it’s happening.

And you can bet that if you make the slightest mistake or they perceive the tiniest slight from you, the floodgates will open and their real feelings of dislike and hatred will come rushing out like a raging torrent.

Consequently, they’ll look for any reason to make you go away even if they must treat you with blatant brutality.

Moreover, they’ll never have your back. When your bullies come calling, your fake friends will throw you under the bus, then get behind the wheel and run you over a few times. Understand that these people will not value you as a person.

3. With Needy Behavior, you attract more users and abusers to come into your life.

Others who don’t know you will watch you closely as you continue to simp for acceptance. Then, you’ll draw in new predators because they will see you as someone they can get something from, even if it’s only psychological benefits.

Understand that human predators are drawn to the needy like vultures to a carcass. They seek out people who are desperate to exploit their needs and weaknesses to get what they want from them.

Again, once they’ve gotten all they want out of you, they’ll discard you like a dirty piece of toilet paper.

You may not realize it, but you can do better than a bunch of scavengers!

I want you to understand this.

If you’re doing these things:

Feeling that you must put on a front for others to approve of you.

Fulfill impossible demands from your boss at work.

Thinking that you must give them your delicious dessert at lunch when you really want to eat it yourself.

Believing that you need to do someone’s homework for them, give them money or do something that you don’t want to do to win their friendship

Having to chase someone or go out of your way to get them to see the good in you

Putting up with being abused, disrespected, and humiliated by people who are supposed to be your friends

Tolerating friends who never have your back, who disappear and always throw you under the bus when trouble comes for you

Needing to force conversations with these so-called friends

In a nutshell, if at any time a friendship doesn’t feel right, these people do not deserve the time of day!

4. You’re too agreeable.

People notice when you don’t have your own opinions and beliefs. Agreeing with things you really don’t agree with not only stifles your individuality, it makes you a target.

Understand that everyone is different. Therefore, embrace your individuality and have an opinion that’s all your own. Moreover, if others abuse you for it, that should tell you that you should find better friends.

5. You wear yourself out.

Because you work so hard to win approval, you eventually deplete yourself of energy. Then, you get exhausted.

In no way am I blaming You because I’ve been there.

I understand the feeling of social deprivation when bullies are constantly sabotaging your ability to make new friends. It gets tough after so long.

However, when you’re that hard-up for social connections, it shows. Anytime you’re willing to put up with crappy treatment to keep from being by yourself, it decreases your worth as a person.

Other people see it and immediately think you’re pathetic. You come off to others as clingy and needy. Even worse, the desperate vibes you put out only attracts more bullying and alienation.

Needy behavior just plain stinks. It is off-putting and repels even the people who would otherwise be good friends.

But you don’t need enemies with friends like that. Ditch these losers fast! They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

Know that you’re worth more than you know and that you can do much better! Believe that with every fiber of your being.

this post was all about needy behavior so that you can learn to spot it and correct it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

2. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

3. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

4. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem: 7 Insanely Easy Ways

July 9, 2024August 12, 202434 Comments

Would you like to know how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel good about yourself and take control of your life?

Low self-esteem can drag you down and hold you back from your full potential. Therefore, if you’re wondering how to overcome low self-esteem, then look no further. I’m about to show you easy and powerful ways to do so.

You will learn the best and easiest practices to do so. As a result, you will finally be a pro on how to overcome low self-esteem.

After you learn these simple and highly effective practices, your self-esteem will skyrocket! Your confidence will soar! And you will be ready to take life by the horns and master all your talents and abilities fearlessly.

This post is all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel so much better about yourself and have the confidence to go after your dreams and work on achieving those life-long goals!

Even better, you will have the courage to confidently stand up to bullies and haters that even attempt to try and bring you down.

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem

Overcoming low self-esteem isn’t easy, especially if you have bullies and negative people attacking you from every corner. However, practicing thought habits and daily physical habits to raise your esteem is still so important.

Moreover, it may even feel weird at first. Doing something you’re not used to doing always does. But push through that feeling. Once you practice these new things long enough, they’ll come naturally.

And you’ll be surprised at just how much it will change your life!

Now, without further adieu, here are the ways on how to overcome low self-esteem.

1. Replace Negative Thoughts about Yourself with Those that are Positive

This means catching every negative thought that pops in your mind with a positive thought. However, it won’t be easy and may even feel weird at first, but you must stay on top of it.

Guard your mind and if you catch a negative thought, immediately replace that thought with a positive… without waiting. Also, do it repeatedly until it becomes like second nature.

You’ve heard the quote, “You are what you eat.” So, it goes with your thought processes. You are also what you think.

This is especially important for victims of bullying because they usually start off as confident and outgoing people.

However, after years of bullying and abuse, they become insecure, afraid, and withdrawn. Sometimes, they can turn against themselves.

Negative Thoughts Produce Negative Things!

For example, they began to think that they aren’t worthy of anything good in life. They stop believing in their own good qualities. They no longer think they’ll ever be loved, ever be accepted, or ever be successful and that nothing will ever go right for them.

And before long, things begin to happen that matches their thoughts and feelings. These poor people began to fall out with friends and family, they have back-to-back bad breaks. They finally develop feelings of self-loathing and end up alone, rejected, unsuccessful, and unlucky.

This is why you must realize that your thought patterns determine your outlook (attitude). Your outlook determines your decisions and behavior. Then, your decisions and behavior determine your outcomes.

Your outcomes determine your life and the events that happen in it. All this then re-enforces your outlook or attitude. This becomes a cycle and cycles always repeat themselves.

It’s the Pygmalion Effect at work.

Again, for your own sake, get into the habit of thinking positive. Moreover, put in the inner work to change your thought patterns for the better and you’ll be amazed at how it will completely change your life!

2. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Practice Self-Care

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential! It’s imperative!

Self-care is more than just treating yourself to a soothing soak in the tub, or changing your eating habits and starting an exercise regimen. Yes, all the things I just mentioned are a part of self-care.

However, it can also mean making some heartbreaking decisions, like going no contract with a toxic family member or breaking off a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend with narcissistic personality disorder.

Moreover, you may even be forced to break off a friendship with a jealous bestie.

Believe me, those things are the most difficult to do because we care deeply about these people. However, if they don’t care enough about you to stop abusing you, then, what choice do you have?

You must love and care enough about yourself to walk away from anyone who brings you down and causes you anguish. Life is too short to tolerate abuse. Know that you deserve better.

3. Surround Yourself with Positive and Uplifting People

Many times, your self-esteem levels have so much to do with the company you keep. In other words, if you spend most of your time around people who constantly berate you and bring you down, no wonder your self-esteem is shot to shit!

One thing that few of us think about is that we each are the sum of the types of people we spend the most time with. In other words, if the people you spend most of your time with are negative, then negative is what you become.

On the other hand, the opposite is true also. If you spend most of your time with people who are positive and uplifting, then you will feel and be the same.

So, if you’re the only positive person in the room, you’re in the wrong place! If you’re around people who drain you and make you feel bad, you must find a way to fix it without hanging around and trying to fix them.

You can only fix things by removing yourself from their company.

Know that you always know when you’re with the wrong people because you will immediately sense that something is off anytime you’re around such negative folks. You will feel exhausted just being around them because it will be as if they’re sucking the oxygen out of the room.

Also, you’ll feel yucky because they’re killing your good vibes. Therefore, you must get out of there… fast!

Don’t stifle your own peace, happiness, and, most of all, growth by continuing to hang around. Make it your goal to get away from these people and out of that environment!

4. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Make Positive Affirmations to Yourself

You would be surprised at how effective making positive affirmations is when it comes to boosting your self-esteem. Therefore, when you make these affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror each morning and make these “I AM” statements.

Here are a few examples of affirmations and “I AM” statements:

I am not to blame for being bullied.

I am lovable.

You can even say,

I am a good person.

I am worthwhile.

There are hundreds of affirmations you can use. These are only a few.

Moreover, if you do this for long enough, you will begin to believe it with every fiber of your being and your life will change for the better.

5. Love and Accept Yourself

This means embracing your flaws as well as your perfections, allowing yourself to make mistakes, and having the courage to be yourself.

If you don’t love yourself, no one else will either. Moreover, you won’t be able to properly love anyone else. Therefore, you’ll be on an endless quest for love and acceptance from others.

Realize that your love only comes from within, not from without.

Completely love and accept yourself. For, it is a stepping stone to happiness. When you accept yourself as you are, quirks and all, and stop being so concerned about how others see you, you experience total freedom. It’s like a huge weight being lifted off of you.

Also, you become much more attractive to people. In fact, you will draw them to you like a magnet!

Moreover, the creeps who are waiting for you to mess up will only get bored, give up and stop watching you. I know this from experience. Self-love and acceptance is such sweet freedom!

6. Stop Caring What Other People Think

Remember. When you care too much about the opinions of others, you become their slave. Therefore, free yourself by not bending over backwards to please others and doing the things you want to do.

Gather the courage to be yourself and realize that there will be a few people who dislike you and yes, even hate you. Moreover, see this as a part of life and embrace it.

This is how you become a powerful force in your own life!

7. Focus On Your Life Goals and Dreams

When you begin working on yourself and focusing on your life goals and dreams, you will be too busy to dwell on the negative opinions of others. Also, you will more than likely succeed at attaining your goals.

This, in itself, is a lesson in how to overcome low self-esteem.

In other words, you must focus on what you want out of life and go after it with a fever and a fervor.

This post was all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can take back control of your life.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

4. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

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Raising Self-Esteem: 5 Easy Mind Hacks that Help

June 28, 2024August 12, 202411 Comments

Do you want to know the mind hacks that help with raising self-esteem so that you can feel more confident and have the courage to get things done?

When people are targeting you for bullying, raising self-esteem can be difficult. If, you’re like I was, you’re probably wondering how you can get your confidence back and reclaim your life. As someone who survived and overcame bullying myself, I’m giving you the same mind-hacks that I used to finally boost my confidence and change my life for the better

You are going to learn about all the tried and true mind hacks that work in helping you to not only win back your confidence, but also take back your personal power.

After you learn about all these clever mind hacks that help with raising self-esteem you will feel and be more confident than you ever thought possible.

This post is all about the mind hacks that help with raising self-esteem that every target of bullying needs to know.

Raising Self-Esteem

Before we get into the mind-hacks, lets discuss the harmful effects of low self-esteem and how it can negatively alter your life.

Low self-esteem can be a real energy-killer and motivation buster. As you probably know, bullying can have a devastating effect on both self-esteem and overall mental health.

Most importantly, the low self-esteem that results from bullying can alter the entire trajectory of your life. It may seem that bullies have taken control over how you feel about yourself.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way.

In fact, you can take control over how your bullies’ attacks make you feel and raise your self-esteem. You can re-frame the attacks and purposefully buffer your confidence and self-esteem against them.

Therefore, here are 4 easy mind hacks that help you in raising self-esteem:

**1. Remember that it’s about them, not you.**

When bullies and abusers insult you, realize that the insult is only a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Think about it. If bullies were truly happy people, they wouldn’t feel the need to hurt you or anyone else.

For example, if the bully calls you “worthless,” it’s a good indicator that he, himself, feels worthless. Therefore, it’s about them, not you.

Understand that people who are miserable want others to feel miserable too. Making you feel bad about yourself is the only way they can feel better about themselves.

Yes, being verbally (or physically) attacked hurts. However, you must put in the work to re-frame their attacks in your mind. Your self-esteem will thank you for it later.

Again, bullies draw their power by stripping others of theirs and making them feel powerless. When bullies attack you, they are projecting their own feelings of worthlessness unto you.

The only way they can feel good about themselves is to make others feel bad. Always remember that!

2. Any accusation a bully makes is usually a confession.

Bullies and unsavory people will often accuse you of something you know you’re innocent of. However, realize that what they’re really doing is admitting that they’ve either already done it or they are doing it now.

This is called, “projection” and it’s a classic bullying tactic that bullies and tyrants have used down through the ages. Moreover, bullies love to project and they’re experts at it.

For example, Back during World War II, Hitler’s Propaganda Minister, Joseph Goebbels once quoted, “Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.” He described the use of projection in a nutshell.

Once you realize what your bullies are doing, you’ll be able to respond accordingly and more intelligently.

As a result your confidence will soar!

3. Raising Self-Esteem means realizing that Your bullies only speak from their own worldview.

This is especially true when they say things to discourage you from following your goals and dreams.

For example, you may be working on publishing a novel and your bullies overhear you telling your friends about it. They may butt in and say things like, “You’ll only fail at it, miserably,” or “Your book will never sell.”

Again, realize that they’ve probably never succeeded at anything in their entire lives. Truth be known, your bullies themselves feel like failures.

Therefore, they will say anything to discourage you from working on your goals and dreams. Why? Because they’re afraid that you just might reach them. Here’s a quote from a few years back:

“When others tell you, ‘you can’t’, they actually fear that you can and are even more afraid that you will.”

So, any time your bullies try to pee on your goals, ask yourself these questions:

Have any of your bullies ever published a book?

Have they ever been successful in the book publishing industry or at anything for that matter?

Do they even know anything about book publishing?

Chances are that they haven’t and probably never will. This alone should be a huge self-esteem booster!

4. The weight of a person’s words should always depend on how much they mean to you.

In other words, you place the most value on the words of the people you love and who love you the most. For instance, the words of your loving mother or father would carry more weight than the same words from some smart-alicky classmate or coworker.

The people that mean the most can be your parents, grandparents, siblings, spouse, or children. They may even be a best friend, or a trusted mentor.

Their words should always carry the most weight because these are the people who love you the most. They also want what’s best for you and cheer for your success.

Moreover, they are the people who will be honest with you even if it stings a little. In other words, they won’t be afraid to give you constructive criticism and they will do this to help you and keep you safe.

Therefore, their words are golden!

However, the words of your bullies or anyone who abuses you, carry no weight whatsoever. Or, at least, they shouldn’t.

Therefore, place value on the words of the people you love and trust the most because they only want what’s best for you and are out for your good.

5. Bullies Can’t Insult nor offend you unless you Place value On their opinions.

To rephrase this, for others to insult you, you must first value their opinions. Ouch! I know, that hurts! But you should realize that a bully’s words aren’t worth considering.

Any time you allow their insults to get under your skin, you give them validation, which is something your bullies do not deserve.

Therefore, just let them talk and embrace it! Stop thinking that something must be wrong with you. Because you’re fine just the way you are.

In fact, here are a few positive ways you can look at it:

a. When people talk about you, good or bad, at least you know you aren’t boring.

And most people would rather be “bad” than boring. Also, you must be doing something right if people are mentioning you all the time. When they talk about you, good or bad, they make you relevant.

B. When people talk smack about you, it only means you still consume their minds.

So, who’s really in control here?

C. You have a lot of power if you can stir resentment or hate in someone without trying or meaning to.

It only goes to show that the dummy doing the talking can easily be controlled by you with little effort on your part.

D. They must really admire you and want to be like you.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be an afterthought to them. They’re admitting that they don’t have lives of their own. So, they take an interest in yours, which means that your life must be more interesting than theirs!

E. They have an Obsession with you.

Like the old saying goes, “He who angers you controls you.”

So, why not feel good about it and, even better, take advantage of it by letting them talk. Because some things don’t need a defense.

Just sit back, smile, and let the pettiness amuse you. Be your sweet self, and others will see through the petty attacks too.

When you finally wise up and take this approach, the results will surprise you and your only regret will be that you didn’t realize this earlier.

Therefore, attitude is what it’s all about. With the right attitude, you can beat your bullies without ever lifting a finger!

Unfortunately, it took me years to learn these things. How I wish I knew all this when I was younger and during so much bullying and abuse.

The good thing is, you don’t have to trudge through years of trial and error like I did. Learn, then mentally rehearse these mind hacks and I guarantee that you’ll know them by heart.

Even better, they will hugely buffer your self-esteem when bullies come for you, and your confidence will begin to soar!

Most importantly, remember that with knowledge comes empowerment.

This post was all about the simple but powerful mind hacks that help with raising self-esteem so that they can be a buffer to your bullies attacks and give you the confidence boost that you need.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

5. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

Knowing Yourself: Why it’s the First Step in Building Confidence

June 18, 2024August 12, 202452 Comments

‘Want to know what the first step is to building confidence? It’s knowing yourself with every fiber of your being.

Knowing exactly who you are goes a long way when people are bullying you. As someone who had to learn this the hard way, I can tell you that when you know yourself inside and out, the least likely bullies are to get under your skin.

You are going to learn how to get to know yourself as well as the importance of knowing yourself.

After you learn these all the powerful ways to do so, you will be next to invincible to any future attacks from bullies.

This post is all about the steps to knowing yourself to give you the confidence you need to counter your bullies’ attacks successfully.

Knowing Yourself

Before we get into the steps, let’s first discuss the importance of knowing yourself.

When you know yourself inside and out, you are better able to define yourself. In other words, you won’t allow others, particularly bullies and abusers, do it for you.

Therefore, when you learn to accept only your definition of who you are, you can more easily avoid bullying because you’re better able to recognize it. And when you’re able to identify abuse, you’re least likely to put up with it.

1. Know what your needs are, what you want, and what you will and will not tolerate.

Then refuse to accept what you won’t put up with. Also, focus on your wants and needs and work hard to achieve them. This means working on yourself. Moreover, it means working toward your goals and your aspirations.

This is of the utmost importance. Why? Because when you’re too busy working on yourself and pursuing your dreams and interests, you won’t pay attention to what your bullies have to say. In other words, you’ll care less about anyone’s opinions and verbal attacks.

Also, when you know who you are, you also know what you want and what you will and will not tolerate, which is why knowing who you are is of the utmost importance.

Knowing yourself means knowing your feelings, senses, and instincts and trusting them to guide you through this messed-up thing called life. Tuning in to your feelings and instincts means tuning into your gut. As we all know, your gut can guide you out of dangerous situations and environments if you allow it to.

2. Knowing yourself: Begin trusting yourself to make the right decisions for yourself no matter what.

Here’s a little nugget you should know, your first instinct is usually the correct one.

For instance, any time you have bullies shaming and ridiculing you, your first instinct is to get away from them. However, when your bullies see that you’re leave. They may mock you for it.

They say something to the tune of, “Awww! Did you get your feelings hurt? Is that way you’re walking away?” or “Are you scared, is that why you’re leaving? Don’t be a wuss. Stand up and face us.”

Moreover, they may even tell you, “You’d better run!”

Know that it’s okay to walk away from a toxic situation. Also, know that you aren’t scared, but you aren’t going to stick around people who try to make you feel bad. When you know yourself, you know that walking away isn’t being afraid. It’s being smart!

In other words, your bullies definition of you won’t get into your head. Therefore, you’ll refuse to allow your bullies to ridicule or guilt you into staying in circumstances that don’t feel good to you.

Therefore, any time your bullies accost you, don’t be afraid to put your hand up and walk away. Know yourself well enough to know that you don’t have time for their foolishness and drama.

Understand that when you turn your back and walk away from bullies and they call out these things to you, they do it for two reasons:

a. to control you by defining you. In other words, bullies try to shame you into sticking around

b. to bait you into a fight because they know the chances are good that you’ll get blamed for it.

No one wants others to label them a coward. However, people will try to define you as one to corner you and trick you into doing what they want. Bullies know that most people will feel compelled to hang around and they’ll do it for no other reason than to prove to the rest of the world that they aren’t.

Again, this is why you must know yourself. When you know deep down that you’re not what people call you, you won’t feel any need to do any posturing. Why? Because you’ll know that there’s no need to prove anything.

Although the name-calling might sting a little, it won’t bother you as much.

3. Practice speaking out and showing your emotions.

…in appropriate settings, of course.

Knowing yourself means that you won’t feel the need to hold back emotions. You’ll be able to recognize them better and allow yourself to feel them. In some situations, it may be okay to express them.

Therefore, you won’t let others tell you how you should feel or bullies to shame you into suppressing yourself.

However, there are times when expressing and suppressing emotions is the right thing to do. For instance, if you’re attending the funeral of a loved one and you feel sad, it’s perfectly acceptable to cry.

Whereas, you wouldn’t want to break down crying in front of everyone at school because a bully called you a name. Instead, you’d show annoyance and tell the bully to get stuffed.

Also, you wouldn’t cry publicly at work because the boss chewed you out or your project fell flat. You’d just stick out your chest and try to do better the next time.

4. Another step to knowing yourself is to Practice being yourself.

Know that you don’t have to put on a big front and try to act like someone you’re not. Also, there’s no need to try to fit in anyone. In other words, know that you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone.

Knowing yourself means also knowing your worth and that you are valuable no matter what people say and regardless of where you are in life.

Moreover, understand that people who don’t know themselves will follow the crowd and try to fit in. People who don’t know themselves will accept other’s definitions of them without realizing it.

They’ll build a fake identity based on how others view them and others’ expectations and ideas of who they should be.

Sadly, if a target is told by abusers that he’s ignorant, no good, lazy and that he’ll never amount to anything, in many cases, they’ll live up to it. It will show up in their grades, performance, and how they interact with people.

Therefore, don’t be that person. Authenticity is key here. Be an original because originals are like famous paintings and artwork. They’re much more valuable than copies.

So, don’t be a cheap knock-off!

Knowing yourself is freedom!

5. Get rid of the temptation to blame yourself for any bullying and abuse you suffer.

Always be true to your own heart no matter the cost. Though it may not look that way to the outside observer, quietly dig deep and get in touch with your inner sensations and instincts. Moreover realize that you aren’t to blame for the abuse you endure.

Knowing yourself is to fully understand that other people’s behavior towards you is no reflection on you. It only speaks volumes about their own lack of morals, decency, and character.

Getting to know yourself will only bring absolute confirmation that what your bullies do to you is wrong. Now this inner realization may or may not stop bullies from attacking you. In fact, it may make the bullying worse.

However, instead of hating and blaming yourself, know in your heart that they are the bad ones. Realize that bullies are notorious for projecting their own faults and shortcomings onto others.

It’s true! A bully’s accusations is usually a confession.

6. Always trust your gut.

I can’t stress this enough. Listen to what your gut tells you and believe it. Also, pay close attention to the vibes you’re getting from the people around you.

The energy people put out never lies.

This is how you maintain your inner strength and sense of self. It takes listening to your instincts when they tell you that you have reason to be cautious around certain people.

Even better, don’t be ashamed of it. Instead, pay close attention to how your body reacts when you’re around certain people.

Also, realize that you may not be able to put your finger on it and you may not know why you’re having these yucky bodily sensations.

Does your body automatically tense up?

Do you have that bad feeling in the pit of your stomach?

Does something just feel off about the person or people you’re with?

If so, know that any one of these symptoms is your cue to get away from these people… and fast!

Once you begin knowing yourself fully, bullies will no longer have power over you. As a result, you’ll be a much happier, freer, and healthier person for it.

Getting to know yourself may take time and lots of hard inner work, but it will be worth it in the end.

This post was all about knowing yourself and what steps to take to get to know yourself in order to help you raise your self-esteem and confidence levels.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

3. Like vs Respect: What’s the Difference?

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

5. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

Fall in Love With Yourself First!

February 13, 2024August 30, 20242 Comments

two fingers representing couple in love against red background

Females are hardwired to nurture, maintain, and enjoy relationships, And this is whether they be friendships, family, or romantic relationships. With teenagers, it is mostly about having close relationships with friends and romantic relationships.

Therefore, if a young girl isn’t getting those wants and needs met through peers at school or family at home, she may try a different route.

Sadly, some girls, particularly those who are targets of bullies, think that having a dating partner makes up for the lack of friends and positive relationships at school. I say this because, unfortunately, I was one of those girls with the same mindset. I leaned on dating and romance for comfort.

A Partner will Never Help You Achieve Wholeness

Being in a romantic relationship can feel like such a welcome change,. It’s like a soft pillow to land on during a fall. It can buffer the self-esteem from the bullying and take the sting out of the torment the target endures.

chain and heart-shaped padlocks representing love and romance

Having dating partners and suitors can act as a much-needed rebuttal to the daily degradation and humiliation you suffer daily. It provides assurance to the target that they are a great person and worthy of love and friendship no matter what. Affection from a partner can act as a testament to the targeted girl’s beauty and confirmation of her value.

Many of these girls look to a partner to rescue them. They see their partner as a refuge from a cold, cruel world that hates them. However, this is a very needy mentality and can backfire in the long run.

No One is Going to Rescue You.

During school, because I had no real friends, I turned to grown men of late teens and early twenties. Moreover, I did this to get the acceptance I wasn’t getting at school from people my age. Although I was gorgeous to look upon, bullies and their followers had destroyed my once-good name. With that, they also destroyed any prospects for dating and love among peers my age.

However, by dating guys who were already out of high school, I was able to get around my trashed reputation. As a result, I had an abundance of opportunities for romance. These college-aged men had never met me, nor were they aware of the falsehoods and labels tied to my name

I’m ashamed to say that, back then, I felt that my good looks and feminine wiles were the only things I had going for me, and often used them to get what I wanted. I thought I had to use trickery and charm to attain what most others seemed to come by easily and effortlessly. And thirty years ago, underage dating was more accepted than it is today.

I want you to understand that when a person is beaten down for so long, they grow afraid to ask for or pursue their wants and needs the right way. As a result, manipulation and deceit become a way of survival. Realize that this is a person who doesn’t need judgment; they get enough of that already. What they need is help . For bullied victims, partners are a proverbial band-aid to their feelings of hurt and inadequacy that come with the onslaught of bullies. Sexual partners and activity are a means to feel loved, wanted, sexy, and beautiful. And it works, if only temporarily.

Co-Dependency isn’t healthy

However, this is dangerous because it can easily lead to co-dependency. Relying on a dating partner for confirmation of worth is never good because the person eventually comes to believe that if he/she is not half of a couple, they are nothing and this kind of thinking is wrong.

encouragement

This mindset only sprouts desperation, and there is no dignity in being desperate for a partner. No one should ever see a romantic relationship as the end all be all. They should never look outside of themselves for happiness. Men and women come and go, and if the person continues to depend solely on them for their fulfillment, they’ll be in for a huge disappointment.

When someone looks solely to a partner to validate them, it’s a sign that the person doesn’t know their worth as a young lady or young man. Potential dates can sense this, and are either repelled or see them as someone they can use and degrade.

The person risks attracting a predatory partner of low integrity, one who will hang around as long as it takes to get what they want before dumping them and leaving them devastated. Also, people of quality and integrity do not want a partner they have to fix or rescue, and if they sniff out the slightest bit of neediness, they will disappear, and fast!

If you are a bullied girl or boy, I can’t stress enough how important it is to fall in love with yourself and with life before you fall in love with anyone else. Love should come from within and never from the outside. A relationship doesn’t complete you, and just because a person has sex with you doesn’t mean that they love you.

It’s Okay to Be Alone.

You are just as beautiful and whole without a partner as you are with one. Just because you’re dateless doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Single doesn’t mean defective.

In the meantime, do plenty of deep soul searching and make positive affirmations daily. Count all your good qualities, talents, and gifts. Continuously remind yourself that you have value, and soon, you’ll start to believe it with your whole heart.

Be patient. Be careful of the choices you make. Know that the right person will come into your life when you least expect it, and you aren’t looking for them. And when they do, they’ll be well worth the wait.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What Babies Can Teach Us About Confidence

December 5, 2023October 18, 20234 Comments

Babies are so adorable! They have that charm and innocence that no other age group has. They don’t worry about what others think of them and they never try to impress others. These little darlings display sweetness, purity, complete authenticity, and hearts of gold.

Babies have not a care in the world what people think of them. They have no inhibitions whatsoever. They’re not afraid to cry and express their wants and needs. You can see it in the way little toddlers shamelessly coo, laugh, babble, skip, run, and dance. And they’ll do it in front of anyone. These little sweeties are fearless. They’re not afraid to show their emotions, express their thoughts, show their creativity.

Furthermore, their precious little souls are completely open. They give, share, and receive love with an open and grateful heart. They love being loved and doted on and will receive it with a soft coo or laugh.

Everything starts with self-love and babies are a perfect example of it.

Sadly, as time passes and these babies grow bigger, the ways of people and the world slowly and incrementally taint their little hearts. Many grow up in toxic environments and with parents who excessively criticize and abuse them.

Therefore, they build a protective wall around themselves to try and keep the contamination out. Because family members and others discount, ridicule, even punish them for their feelings, they learn to mask those feelings. They collect emotional baggage as they become preschoolers, school-aged kids, then teenagers, and finally, adults.

Also, many are raised by drug-addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful adults and they build walls to protect themselves from that as well. Therefore, many must learn to raise themselves.

None of us have low self-esteem and lack of confidence at birth. Either ell-meaning family members who wish to keep us humble and sweet, instill those characteristics in us or bullies and abusers force-fed them to us.

Consequently, many adults will cause a baby to grow up thinking that they are unlovable. They don’t feel they deserve to have their wants and needs met. Thus, they grow up filled with either anger and self-loathing, or sadness and depression.

Life Has Ways of Eroding That Confidence and Goodness We Were Born With.

We all go through these terrible changes, even those who aren’t bullied. Only few people in this world manage to keep that confidence and joy they were born with. Furthermore, life’s disappointments, hurts, and heartaches have ways of doing these things to all of us. However, the worse changes happen to targets of bullying and abuse.

They stop expressing emotions and give up asking for anything. Why? Because sometime during their childhoods, other people conditioned them. They conditioned them to think that they’re self-centered and wrong for ever needing or wanting anything out of life.

Therefore, they resign themselves to the attitude that, things are “just the way they are” and that there’s nothing they can do to change anything.

Consequently, when you tell them about self-love and how important it is, they wince at the idea because it makes them uncomfortable. But, again, other people program them to think that self-love is somehow self-absorbed and evil. I can relate to this because, when I was thirteen and fourteen years old, I did the exact same when I was first told about the idea of self-love and self-care.

The thought of looking at myself in the mirror every day and telling myself “I love you” or “You’re beautiful,” “You’re Smart,” “You’re awesome,” etc., felt both weird. In fact, it felt downright sickening because I was under the impression that it was all a sign of sheer vanity.

It’s Sad When People Can Successfully Condition You to Believe that Self-love is Vanity

Self-love can feel downright painful after you’ve wasted years and decades hating and degrading yourself. After all, it’s not something you’re accustomed to practicing. Anything new and out of the ordinary feels painful at first. Like all things, it must first become a habit. And it can only become habit through rigorous learning and practice.

‘You see? My bullies and a few abusive others sold me on the idea that any form of self-care or self-love was abhorrent and self-serving. I was under the misguided belief that self-degradation and self-criticism was a virtue. It was a sign of being humble and meek. Therefore, I thought that was what normal people did, as I watched a few family members do the same thing.

Some of my family members still do this at times and it breaks my heart. If only they could see, I mean, truly see their value. . In my eyes, their worth is more than that of gold.

The truth is that self-hatred is the equivalent of having a millstone hung from your neck. You drag it around everywhere you go because it’s exhausting. Therefore, it zaps your energy. It takes the magic, wonder, and excitement from your life. And it keeps you stuck and worse, invites more disrespect and abuse from others.

Self-love doesn’t equal Vanity, It equals Virtue!

Self-love can only come from within, never from without. It doesn’t come from a partner, a spouse, or a boatload of friends. It can’t come from a banging body or fancy clothes, hairdos, or makeup. Money can’t buy self-love. Power doesn’t give it to you and neither does prestige. Self-love comes from the heart and only the heart.

Additionally, self-love is about self-acceptance and being perfectly okay with your imperfections. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin and not caring even the slightest what others think or say of you.

In order to find peace and joy in life, self-love is a must-have. It helps you to achieve your goals and realize your dreams and aspirations. It determines your outcomes- whether you succeed or fail. Also, it helps you to better re-frame bad situations and see them as learning experiences. Self-esteem and self-love give you peace of mind.

In a nutshell, self-love gives you complete freedom! It is the key to happiness and joy!

Don’t you think you deserve to be at peace with yourself? Don’t you think you deserve happiness and joy? I do.

So, be like a baby. Love yourself. Know that your true colors are vibrant and never be afraid to show them. Dance like you’ve never been ridiculed. And play like you’ve never fallen and scraped your knee. Express your emotions. Love, laugh, and live.

You’ll be surprised at how everything will change for the better! I promise!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is That Coveted Je Ne Sais Quoi?

November 17, 2023November 16, 20234 Comments

What is that Coveted je ne sais quoi? Je Ne Sais Quoi is French, and it means, “I don’t know what.” The term is used to describe a special but indescribable characteristic that someone has – a characteristic that is hard to name. It’s that unnamable characteristic that attracts people, especially suitors, and puts them under the person’s spell.

When someone has a certain je ne sais quoi, people will usually say things like, “There’s just something about him/her.” Someone who falls in love will often use that phrase when those outside the relationship can’t understand what the love-stricken individual sees in the person they’re in love with.

Some people were born with this mysterious allure and come by it naturally. These lucky people seem to attract people easily and effortlessly. Others, like most bullying targets, were not blessed with it and have great difficulty making friends. Shy people and those on the autism spectrum tend to have the most difficulty in this arena.

can this je ne sais quoi be taught?

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying and you’re having difficulty making friends or finding love, the secret to getting that je ne sais quoi is to understand exactly what it is. Thankfully, it is something you can learn, and, once you learn it, you can use it to your advantage.

So, what is it exactly?

Simple. It’s social intelligence, which is a combination of confidence, charm, and charisma, or The Three C’s. The most precious thing in the universe isn’t money. It isn’t gold or silver. It’s these three traits because they set you on a path of success in every aspect of your life. However, to have the three C’s, you must first have healthy self-esteem.

Sadly, many targets of bullying don’t realize this. They want these traits so badly but don’t have the self-esteem to back them up.

As a result, they live a lonely and unsuccessful life. They secretly resent those who have that je ne sais quoi as they sit on the sidelines and watch them have a blessed life. Also, they may resent God for not blessing them with it, which only makes things worse.

Healthy Self-Esteem always comes before je ne sais quoi

Moreover, when a young target asks an adult how to learn that certain something that attracts people, the adult may only laugh them off and tell them,

“That’s something that can’t be taught. It’s something you’re born with. You either have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re just shit out of luck.”

Adults give them those types of hurtful responses because either they themselves don’t know, or they do know but would never tell them for obvious reasons. Consequently, young targets believe the lies and stop trying – at everything. They stop trying to make friends and move up in the world.

The resulting mentality becomes this: “Why do all that work if it isn’t going to get me anywhere? I’d only be spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.”

As a result, these people accumulate long strings of failed friendships and relationships and jump from job to job. Also, they run around with ne’er do wells. In short, they relax their standards and become content to cruise through life without extending any effort. Many targets end up on welfare and public housing and it’s because their self-esteem is shot to hell.

Therefore, I often stress doing everything you can to salvage your self-esteem because, again, in order to have charm and charisma, you must first have a healthy self-esteem. Thankfully, you can also learn this. I repeat, no matter what others have told you, social intelligence can be taught and you can go from anti-social to social ninja in just a few years.

Here are a few things you can do to raise your self-esteem and with it, your je ne sais quoi:

Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.
When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.
Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).
Realize that it’s not about you. One thing I want you to know right now. People care more about themselves and their lives than they do about you. It’s just the reality of human nature. Therefore, become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

Start with doing the above practices and don’t be afraid to learn new tricks. And realize that you will probably need to fake it, at first- fake it until you make it! It’s what I had to do. However, I discovered that when you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And when you feel confident, the fake becomes real.

Practice these things and you will soon be able to raise your je ne sais quoi and draw people to you. And once you do that, you might even be able to schmooze like a pro!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should Befriend Other Targets

December 29, 202213 Comments

The old saying that “birds of a feather flock together” rings true. The Law of Similarity dictates that in order to find good friendships, you must establish common ground. Understand that those who share the same activities, experiences, perspectives, and attitudes have a high probability of developing close friendships. Humans are naturally drawn to those who share mutual interests.

How targets make friends is to find like-minded people to bond with. And nothing bonds humans like a shared contempt for the same things, people, and groups. Therefore, developing connections with other targets is not only necessary but wise.

When a target finds others who have been bullied by the same bullies, it not only confirms that he isn’t alone in the fight, but it’s a juicy opportunity to make friends and allies. And these new friends just might back the target up the next time her bullies come calling.

Commonalities Attract

Also, it reinforces the fact that the target is not a bad person. It says that, despite what bullies and most others have told him, he can make friends. It sends the message that the target is a likeable person and automatically discredits the bullies. Therefore, having friends who share the same experiences is a real self-esteem booster.

When targets unite, they share sameness and, therefore, are least likely to face conflict with one another. Each target in the group finally feels understood.

Case in point, sameness will always attract people to one another. People tend to become friends with those most like themselves. When targets begin to associate with and create ties with others whom the bullies have targeted, they immediately establish common ground. It is this common ground which quickly develops rapport.

A “Target Rich Environment”

If you’re a target of bullying and you find it difficult to make friends, you can create a “target rich environment” for yourself by staying among other targets.

I cannot say this enough- we develop the best friendships with those who resemble us the most. We’re attracted to people with the same desires and pursuits. If you can find common ground, developing a positive relationship will be a cake walk!

So, how do you know that there’s common ground before you even talk to the person?

You start by noticing how the person dresses. Are there any similarities? If the person is wearing a tee shirt with the logo or picture of a rock group you like, there’s shared interest. And if they only have a slight interest in the group, you, at least, share a love of rock and roll music.

What a person is doing also gives clues. Also, their posture also has many tells in it. For example, if a person is sitting at the lunch table alone, slumps in their chair, and doesn’t interact much with others, you know that they have low self-esteem. And low self-esteem comes from bullying and abuse. So, don’t be afraid to go over and talk to them. You just might be the friend they’re looking for!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Which Would You Rather Be?

August 9, 202219 Comments

Hated for Being Smart or Pitied for Being Dumb?

I ask this question because many intelligent people try to hide their smarts for fear of hatred and bullying. They let others convince them that, because of their smarts, they come off as know-it-alls. Others tell them to dumb down because they “don’t want to make others feel bad about themselves.” They may even tell them to tone it down a little or they just might offend some people.

This is total BS!

I want you to know one thing right now! It is not your responsibility to make someone else feel good about themselves. Whether your intelligence offends others is not your problem. Their hatred of you is also not your problem.

Continue to be Your Smart Self

Understand that the reason why your intelligence may offend some people is because they are either jealous, intimidated, or insecure. It’s because of their own unaddressed psychological issues- issues that they’re trying to lay off on you.

Your intelligence may inspire some to doubt their own smarts and mental capabilities. Also, it may provoke others to compare themselves to you. Again, not your responsibility. They are the ones doubting and questioning their own intelligence. They are the ones who are making comparisons. You aren’t doing these things to them. They are doing it to themselves!

You are Not Responsible for Someone Else’s Feelings

Again, you are not responsible for another person’s self-esteem. Only they can do the inner work needed to raise their confidence levels. Therefore, if they’re too lazy to do that inner work, that’s on them!

Here’s another point I want to make: The hate that’s directed at you never feels good and can be frightening. But always remember that there’s dignity in being hated, but none in being pitied.

Yes, you read that correctly. When people hate you, you still have your dignity. But when they pity you, you’ve lost all dignity and respect!

Others hate smart people, but they pity the stupid.

Therefore, never hide your intelligence from anyone. Let yourself stand out and shine. And never feel tempted to hide your brilliance because you’re afraid of being bullied, ridiculed, or hated by others. Instead, ask yourself,

“Would you rather be hated for being smart or pitied for being dumb?”

I rest my case.

What Bullies Want You to Believe & What You Should Believe

June 15, 20222 Comments

Understand that bullies thrive on power and control. If they can’t control you, they’ll control how others view you. Also, they’ll use redundancy and repetition to make you believe their lies too. Here’s what they’re most likely to try and get you to think of yourself and what you should believe:

1.What bullies want you to believe

Apart from us, you can do nothing, you are nothing, and you never will be.

What you should believe

Apart from you, I’m better off. I can do anything I set my mind to do, I’m somebody, and later down the line, I’m going to be great and do great things.

2. What bullies want you to believe

You’ll never find happiness without our permission.

What you should believe

I don’t need your permission to be happy. I’m much happier without losers like you in my life.

3. What bullies want you to believe

Nobody will ever like or love you.

What you should believe

Maybe you never will, but I don’t mind because you don’t matter. There will be others who’ll love me for me. I’ll find my tribe.

4. What bullies want you to believe

You’re nothing without our approval.

What you should believe

I’m nothing with it because you are nothing. I don’t need your “approval” because it will never define me. Your opinion matters not because, for something to matter, you must first value it.

Therefore, always counter the statements, including the unspoken ones. You’ll be surprised at what it will do for your self-esteem and your spirit!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Ways to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem

June 14, 20223 Comments

Bullying can be devastating to a child’s or teen’s self-esteem. And the damage can last a lifetime. It can have a negative effect on their progress even into adulthood.

No, it isn’t your fault. You and your child are innocent in this, but you still must do some damage control.

The parents of bullies should teach them kindness and empathy, yes. However, the targets’ parents also have work to do- they must teach their children confidence. Neither side gets out of this without some degree of responsibility.

I realize that it isn’t fair that most of the confidence-building work must be done on the target’s end. But nothing in life is fair and we can’t change that reality. We, as parents of bullied children still have to take action. We still must do our part to ensure our children’s confidence stays in tact so that they’ll be able to flourish. Therefore, it’s up to us to tip the mental health balance more in the target’s favor.

Teaching targets confidence involves teaching them never to look to bullies, or anyone for that matter, for confirmation of their worth and validity. Most of all, it means creating experiences for them that naturally balance out all the negative experiences they face at school. To neglect this work would be devastating for our children!

How do you do that?

**By giving them opportunities to make friends outside their toxic school environment.**

For instance, they can join a martial arts class, a scout troop, or go to summer camp, to name a few. There are so many options available for targets to forge lasting friendships. And you will be amazed at just how it will help build their confidence and self-esteem.

Yes, kind words, encouragement, and verbally re-enforcing positivity to your child is important. But giving them the positive experiences that back up your well-meaning words will work doubly well because it will serve as confirmation that they really are good and normal kids and give the self-esteem that extra boost.

So, give your bullied child fun, exciting, and positive experiences that they can look back on with confidence and assurance! They will thank you for it later! I guarantee it!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Reality Check: Not Everyone You Meet is Going to Like You

May 6, 202251 Comments

Like is subjective.

Not everyone is going to like you. Some may even hate you. But remember this! It’s their problem, not yours.

No matter how good, talented, famous, great, or small you are or who you are, it’s estimated that 10-35% of the people you know will not like you.

But always stay true to yourself, your beliefs, and your convictions. Use your God-given talents to the best of your ability. Be the best you can be and you will be happy.

Realize that everyone- EVERYONE, has someone who doesn’t like them. And if you don’t have enemies, then you’re doing something wrong.

If those who are exceptional, like celebrities, politicians, and athletes have people who dislike them or hate them, it should be proof that there’s nothing wrong with you.

So, feel good about yourself. Embrace everything about yourself. Appreciate the people who love you. Let love in and let yourself shine!

Your Mind Is Yours and Yours Alone. Keep It That Way.

March 23, 202295 Comments

Bullies don’t only want to hurt you or destroy your good name. More than anything, they want to get into your head and alter your mind.

The worst thing about bullying isn’t the physical assaults. Cuts and bruises heal easily. It isn’t even the name-calling, the smears, the rumors, or the marginalization. It’s what it can do to the mind if we aren’t careful.

The worst thing that can happen to a target of bullying is when he begins to believe what he’s being told. The worst thing that happens is when she begins to see herself through the eyes of the very people who hate her and who want nothing more from her than her complete destruction and ruination.

Anytime a target begins to believe he is nothing, he does himself a huge disservice because he discards his own definition of him and replaces it with that of his bullies. He values the bullies’ opinions over his own.

I cannot stress enough the importance of loving yourself even when it looks as if others don’t love you back. You must continue to believe in yourself even when it seems that no one else does. You must also continue to stand your ground even when people want to bury you in it.’

That’s how you keep your confidence and self-esteem from tanking. It’s how you keep even a little bit of your dignity and it’s how you protect your spirit from being broken.

Yes, your confidence may take many blows, but it doesn’t have to die. Your self-esteem may be pummeled, but you can keep it for hitting rock bottom. Bullies may break off pieces of your dignity, but you don’t have to give them the piece of it you still hold for yourself. Your spirit may take a hard beating, but only you decide whether to let them break it.

In short, you don’t have to surrender everything that matters to your bullies.’

You have more power than you know. Your thoughts are the freest commodity you have. No matter what they take from you, they can never take your mind if you don’t let them.

“Power is not what you have but what the enemy thinks you have.” ~ Saul D. Alinsky (Rules for Radicals)

Think about that quote for a moment and realize that it’s what all bullies live by.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Problem with Looking Outside of Yourself for Your Value

January 18, 2022138 Comments

Bullying is hurtful no matter how confident you are, that much is true. We’re all human and we all have feelings and emotions. However, the effects of it are even more damaging when we’re insecure and only look outside of ourselves for our value, in fact, the damage to the self-esteem is exponentially higher.

The problem is that when you look outside of yourself for your value, you automatically look to others to give it to you. And when you do this, you put yourself at their mercy.

Therefore, I have repeatedly emphasized over six years of blogging that knowing your worth is your foundation and that it’s never good to look outside of ourselves for it. Understand that your value, or worth, whatever term you prefer, comes from within and never from without.

Here’s why it’s better to let your value come from the inside:’

1. You can never control the environment around you. Many times, we will find ourselves in toxic environments full of poisonous people, whether it be the school we attend, the company we work for, or the home or neighborhood we live in. When you know yourself and, in that, know your value and let it come from the inside, any bullying or abuse you’re likely to get from others won’t have such an impact on you.

It will hurt, yes. But it won’t be nearly as devastating and cause you to suppress as much of yourself because, deep down, you’ll know who you are and that the people around you are only saying the things they say to diminish you.

Also, when the crap gets too thick, you’ll know when it’s time to bail out of the environment. In knowing yourself and knowing your worth, you’ll realize that you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and that you’re better off leaving this cesspit and moving on to greener pastures.

And you’ll do it without feeling guilty- you’ll do it knowing that it isn’t because you’re “chicken” or “running away from your problems” but because you deserve better. You’ll know what’s best for you, and that it’s because you’re looking out for the best interests of your health.

2. You can never control others’ behavior and how they think of you. And because of this, it’s never good to rely on the approval of others for your value. Understand that there will always be people who don’t like you and some who even hate you and when you depend solely on the approval of others, you make yourself a doormat. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, don’t give another person that kind of power!

When your value comes from within, you will have respect for yourself, you will love yourself and you will have great self-esteem. You will give yourself compassion and care when others take pot shots at you. You will have the confidence and courage to protect yourself and stand up to abuse. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that the idiots around you are the ones who have the issues and not you.

Your value should always from you. Never from another. You get your value from knowing who you are and knowing that you were put on this earth for a good reason. Realize that everyone serves a good and higher purpose here. You may or may not know what that purpose is, but you are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and fulfill it. And know your value!

With knowledge comes empowerment!