Tag: bullying

unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

Othello’s Error: Why Targets Take the Blame

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William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) on engraving from the 1800s. English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language. Published in London by L.Tallis.

Othello’s Error often happens in police interrogation rooms and principal’s offices.

It comes from Shakespeare’s play, “Othello.”  In the play, the main character, Othello, assumes that his wife, Desdemona, is having an affair. The reason he believes this is because of her nervous response when he questions her.

In reality, Desdemona is innocent.

However, Othello  questions her in a aggressive and volatile manner. And this makes the poor wife nervous. Even worse, Othello takes her nervousness as a sign of guilt.

Sadly, his often occurs in real life.

many fingers pointed at scapegoated employee, concept of accusation

Often, targets become nervous when someone questions them aggressively. The questioner then misreads the response. taking it as a sign that the person is lying or hiding something. It’s how so many people have gotten blamed for something they didn’t do.

Just as nervousness is mistaken for deception, the show of confidence is mistaken for honesty and trustworthiness. As we all know, bullies are well-known for feigned confidence and false bravado.

Targets of bullying are always nervous, and rightfully so. Who wouldn’t be if they were constantly abused, smeared, shamed, threatened, and attacked?

Victim Blaming word cloud

People tend to rush to the first possible explanation that fits what they want to see. Should it be any wonder why people blame targets and let bullies go scot-free?

After the abuse goes on for so long, targets learn to expect more of the same. And they usually get it. In other words, the expectation of such treatment brings more of the same. As a result, the target grows more nervous with each occurrence.

As the target grows more nervous, bystanders and authorities grow more and more suspicious of him.

The fact is that nervousness has several reasons, and the mistake often occurs in the decoding of it and not the observation!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Bullies Sometimes Call You “Uppity”

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Snobby group of cliquey girls with their ringleader pointing at you

Ever wonder why bullies sometimes call you “uppity?”

First, let’s examine the word, “uppity.” Uppity means arrogant, haughty, or pompous. It’s used to describe a person who thinks they are better than everyone else. However, a bully may label you “uppity, even though it isn’t who you are.

Understand that a bully’s definition of the word goes much deeper. You must look at the context in which the term is being used. Also, look at the circumstances which prompted the bully to make such a judgement of you. What would motivate a bully to refer to you as “uppity?”

Here are 3 reasons why bullies often accuse targets of being uppity:

Woman screaming and pointing an accusing finger at you

  1. The target displays confidence.

Confidence is power. When a person is confident and knows who they are, they’re least likely to allow others to control them. This is a huge threat to the bully’s power. Therefore, bullies will give targets the “uppity” label in hopes that the target will question themselves or worse, believe it, then feel guilty for it.

If the target falls for this BS and believes it, he will automatically “tone it down.” Consequently, he will unwittingly give the bullies the green light to gradually heap on more and more abuse.

Remember that a bully’s opinion of you means nothing unless you allow it to. Never buy into it! Keep your confidence no matter what!

Marginalized man putting out hands to block the fingers that are pointed at him

  1. The target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands.

 Defiance is a huge threat to the bullies’ power. When a target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands, mandates, or orders, he, in essence, gives the bully the middle finger. Then, he goes on doing what he wants and not what the bullies want him to do.

Ouch! This is painful to bullies. Why? Because, if the target doesn’t comply, then others just might feel emboldened not to comply. Defiance has a way of spreading and, once it spreads, the bully loses power. Bullies know this and, therefore, double down by labelling the target as uppity (among other labels).

Kids fighting with the quote, "Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, you fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark... and brother, it's startin' to rain."

  1. The target defends himself.

When the target stands up for himself, this is also a threat to the bullies’ power. Why? Because the target just might put them in their place and make them look like punks. Therefore, the target takes back his power, leaving the bullies looking slack jawed and stupid. As a result, some bullies will retaliate to reinforce their dominance.

Therefore, you must keep your power. Resist the urge to comply. Push back when bullies attempt to abuse you. They may retaliate, but in you dig your heels in and continue to stand your ground, you keep your personal power, and with it, your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is That Coveted Je Ne Sais Quoi?

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Charming older woman smiling

What is that Coveted je ne sais quoi? Je Ne Sais Quoi is French, and it means, “I don’t know what.” The term is used to describe a special but indescribable characteristic that someone has – a characteristic that is hard to name. It’s that unnamable characteristic that attracts people, especially suitors, and puts them under the person’s spell.

When someone has a certain je ne sais quoi, people will usually say things like, “There’s just something about him/her.” Someone who falls in love will often use that phrase when those outside the relationship can’t understand what the love-stricken individual sees in the person they’re in love with.

Some people were born with this mysterious allure and come by it naturally. These lucky people seem to attract people easily and effortlessly. Others, like most bullying targets, were not blessed with it and have great difficulty making friends. Shy people and those on the autism spectrum tend to have the most difficulty in this arena.

can this je ne sais quoi be taught?

Businessman schmoozing colleagues at a social gathering

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying and you’re having difficulty making friends or finding love, the secret to getting that je ne sais quoi is to understand exactly what it is. Thankfully, it is something you can learn, and, once you learn it, you can use it to your advantage.

So, what is it exactly?

Simple. It’s social intelligence, which is a combination of confidence, charm, and charisma, or The Three C’s. The most precious thing in the universe isn’t money. It isn’t gold or silver. It’s these three traits because they set you on a path of success in every aspect of your life. However, to have the three C’s, you must first have healthy self-esteem.

Sadly, many targets of bullying don’t realize this. They want these traits so badly but don’t have the self-esteem to back them up.

As a result, they live a lonely and unsuccessful life. They secretly resent those who have that je ne sais quoi as they sit on the sidelines and watch them have a blessed life. Also, they may resent God for not blessing them with it, which only makes things worse.

man with confidence

Healthy Self-Esteem always comes before je ne sais quoi

Moreover, when a young target asks an adult how to learn that certain something that attracts people, the adult may only laugh them off and tell them,

“That’s something that can’t be taught. It’s something you’re born with. You either have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re just shit out of luck.”

Adults give them those types of hurtful responses because either they themselves don’t know, or they do know but would never tell them for obvious reasons. Consequently, young targets believe the lies and stop trying – at everything. They stop trying to make friends and move up in the world.

The resulting mentality becomes this: “Why do all that work if it isn’t going to get me anywhere? I’d only be spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.”

As a result, these people accumulate long strings of failed friendships and relationships and jump from job to job. Also, they run around with ne’er do wells. In short, they relax their standards and become content to cruise through life without extending any effort. Many targets end up on welfare and public housing and it’s because their self-esteem is shot to hell.

man holding a card that reads, "Low Self-Esteem"

Therefore, I often stress doing everything you can to salvage your self-esteem because, again, in order to have charm and charisma, you must first have a healthy self-esteem. Thankfully, you can also learn this. I repeat, no matter what others have told you, social intelligence can be taught and you can go from anti-social to social ninja in just a few years.

Here are a few things you can do to raise your self-esteem and with it, your je ne sais quoi:
  1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.
  2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.
  3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).
  4. Realize that it’s not about you. One thing I want you to know right now. People care more about themselves and their lives than they do about you. It’s just the reality of human nature. Therefore, become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

Confident man reach out to shake your hand

Start with doing the above practices and don’t be afraid to learn new tricks. And realize that you will probably need to fake it, at first- fake it until you make it! It’s what I had to do. However, I discovered that when you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And when you feel confident, the fake becomes real.

Practice these things and you will soon be able to raise your je ne sais quoi and draw people to you. And once you do that, you might even be able to schmooze like a pro!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Can Hide In Plain Site

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If you’ve ever been a target of bullying, have you noticed how bullies, their followers, and cohorts consistently brag and boast to others and among themselves about how they abuse you. They gloat to anyone who will listen to them, and people seem to get personal entertainment from it. And they’re not afraid to do it right in front of you.

You’ll hear statements such as:

“I beat the breaks off that *****!”

“That little punk got owned!”

“We sure put that wimp in her place!”

“When we see him, we’re going to cut him down to size!”

“We sure shut her down when she tried to open her mouth, didn’t we?”

And they do it while laughing and high fiving one another. In doing this, they openly admit that you’re their target and that they abuse you.

Yet, if anyone outside their group brings it up and, especially if you do, they will sneer, ridicule, and do their due diligence to silence you? They even deny that it’s happening, or they try and justify themselves.

So, prepare to be gaslighted

Have you even wondered why these people do this- openly brag about the abuse they inflict on you, then turn around and, depending on the person bringing it up or the overall circumstances and environment, try to cover up the abuse?

It’s because this is the best way for the bullies to hide the abuse in plain sight and sadly, it works like a charm and it’s hard to combat. But don’t lose hope. Know that these types of people always get a little too cocky and then get stupid. They’ve been getting away with stuff for so long that they push a little further, a little further. They keep pushing until they finally push over the line and end up hanging themselves. And the best part is that you’ll get to see it!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How Confidence and Egotism Differ

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The confusion between the two is quite common. However, there are ways to distinguish between confidence and egotism. Before I go further, let me start by saying that we all have egos. However, the trick is in how we handle them.

1. Confidence is quiet. Egotism is loud and boastful.

2. The former doesn’t have to boast because it already knows its value. The latter, on the other hand, must constantly remind others of its value.

3. Confidence is teachable. Whereas, egotism is not. It kills the capacity to learn because it thinks it already knows everything there is to know.

4. Confidence leads to growth. Egotism can only lead to stagnation and eventual destruction.

Two Opposites

Princess Diana, during her latter years, was the perfect example of confidence. Once she saw her worth, she traveled the world, helping the less fortunate.

Hitler, on the other hand, was an example of egotism. His overinflated ego led to the destruction and loss of millions of innocent lives. Also, it produced intense hatred for an entire people.

As we know, bullies aren’t confident, they’re egotistical. Again, we all have egos. However, not all of us have egotism. Egotism is bad because it often stems from negative feelings of anger, guilt, jealousy, insecurity, and fear. And it’s the reason bullies often target those based on the lower role they play and their stations in life.

Confidence Promotes Equality while Egotism Promotes Division

Confident people treat the janitor or the security guard with the same respect they would give the company president or the CEO. In contrast, egotistical bullies only will only mistreat the janitor and security guard while sucking up to the president and the CEO.

A confident person gives kindness and respect to those who can do nothing for him. He treats everyone equally regardless of difference or position. Ego-driven bullies only abuse those he knows can’t benefit him somehow.

Those who are confident have selfless motives and doesn’t care who you are as long as you’re a decent and moral person. However, those who are ego-driven bullies are self-serving. With these types of personalities, it’s all about fame and name.

Putting ego aside means respecting those who society deems beneath you and giving them the same human value. It means making an effort to understand those who are different from you and doing your best to help them somehow.

Egotism is when ego overrides humanity and places it in grave danger. Confidence, on the other hand, helps and saves humanity.

Confidence Saves Humanity, Egotism Destroys it.

Sadly, I’ve worked with people who were great people to get along with. But once they got that coveted promotion, they became people I no longer recognized.

Bullies often spend money beyond their means to buy expensive clothes and cars, trying to look like they’re better off than everyone else. This is a sure hallmark of egotism. Unfortunately, they get deep in debt and sometimes resort to thievery to get out of it. As a result, they end up in legal trouble, which is an example of the self-destruction that egotism can bring.

Therefore, be aware of these signs in other people. And be confident, but know where the line between confidence and egotism lies.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Never Try to Control Others

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As we know, bullies are notorious for trying to control other people and bend them to their will. And they do it by using fear-tactics, threats, and force. However, here’s the thing they don’t realize.

When you try to get someone to do something, the more they’ll want to do the opposite.

“Parents are fully aware of this law! If you tell your children not to do something, they want to do it all the more.” (“The Like Switch,” by Jack Schafer PhD and Martin Karlins PhD p.114, para. 3)

Bullies are all about making the statement, “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Remember the line in the movie Matilda, by Matilda’s father, Harry Wormwood, played by Danny DeVito?

“Listen, you little wiseacre: I’m smart, you’re dumb; I’m big, you’re little; I’m right, you’re wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Just imagine how that made little Matilda feel. It only made her that much more determined to do and say what she wanted.

This I’m right/You’re wrong approach bullies cram down their targets’ throats only puts them on the defensive. It inspires them to push back. In other words, it’s only natural for others to protect their reputations, images, and egos. Therefore, bullies only pit other people against them.

But it’s the same when targets try to get others to accept them.

Bullies have bullied them for so long and rendered targets lonely and friendless. Therefore, some targets will often use every trick in the book to win friends. They’ll tell sob stories, fake being ill, dress in flashy clothing and act like they have more money than they do. Bullies and others see through this and get angry. Why? Because they know the target is attempting to trick them into doing something they aren’t ready to do.

Tricks and fakery are also forms of control. The only difference is that they are the passive kinds of control. And people hate being tricked less than they do blunt force. However, trickery is still a type of force- only it’s force without the other person’s knowledge.

Realize that the only person you can control is you. Other people have minds of their own and they will do whether they wish. There’s no stopping human nature. Sometimes you must go with the flow and once you do, you have a better chance of getting the desired outcomes and results.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Beware the Spotlight Effect!

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Many targets of bullying experience the spotlight effect after bullies have bullied them for so long. Why? Because bullying will conditions targets to think that everyone is watching closely. For example, the target will attend a social gathering and feel like a germ under a microscope. He will think that everyone is watching him.

When the target sees the people around him talking to each other, he’ll only assume that they’re discussing him. Therefore, he’ll think that they are judging him.

However, the people around him won’t be watching him because they’re worried more about themselves than they are him. Yet the target will still feel spotlighted- this is the spotlight effect at play.

Therefore, I want you to realize that this spotlight effect is born out of fear of judgment. You must be careful that you don’t spiral down this toxic hole.

Be Careful You Don’t Get Trapped by the Spotlight Effect!

Also, you can sometimes become victims of the spotlight effect while trying to make friends and allies.

Deliberately modifying your body language takes practice because it’s mostly a subconscious thing. Therefore, you will sometimes come off as awkward if you don’t practice in private. The spotlight effect happens when you deliberately modify your body language to make friends (or to ward off bullies).

Moreover, because you’re doing it on purpose to influence others’ behavior, you think that others can see through you. This will cause you to force the nonverbal signals and your suspicions will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Why? Because it will make it difficult to make it appear natural and effortless.

Consequently, you won’t be able to display this body language convincingly. In other words, your nonverbals will look contrived, or worse, inappropriate. And you’ll do it even if others are unaware that you’re putting on. Therefore, you will look fake at best, inappropriate at worst.

The spotlight effect is the killer of many opportunities. However, there’s a bright side here.

Once you know that the spotlight effect is real, you will be able to avoid it’s entrapment.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What Comes with Empowerment

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Empowerment from bullying is the best feeling ever and I say this from personal experience. However, it comes with some personal responsibility. Why do I say this? Again, it’s because of experience. Before I could re-empower myself and send my bullies packing, I had to take a certain amount of responsibility.

I not only had to learn the mindsets of bullying and do my own investigations, but I also had to learn how to respond instead of reacting. I had to find ways to empower myself and realize that once you begin taking steps to do so, the bullying will get worse before it gets better. And I had to change my own way of thinking. In that, I had to stop seeing myself as a victim and start viewing myself as a target instead. Words do matter.

Empowerment means having more control over our lives. It means having the courage to make our own decisions, even if those decisions upset other people. If we’re targets of bullying and we aren’t careful, we may unwittingly and unknowingly allow our bullies to take those things from us.

Therefore, let’s talk more in-depth about the empowerment process.

What steps can we take to empower ourselves?

1. Find your purpose. Having a purpose is so empowering! However, it requires that you find out what it is. Think back to those childhood inclinations and try to remember what your strongest inclination was. Did you want to be a singer? A writer? This is one way.

2. Find your passion. What do you enjoy doing? What is your favorite hobby? How might it help you to make the world a better place? If you can answer these questions, then chances are, you’ve found your passion.

3. Read and learn about bullies and bullying. This requires getting abreast of your bullies’ mindsets and weaknesses. How you do this is to read all you can about bullying. And when you read, you must think about all the behaviors your bullies have displayed, then put two and two together. And once you do, you will finally see the bullies for the pathetic cowards they are, and your self-esteem will soar!

It Won’t Come Easy!

 Finding your purpose and passion are wonderful ways to empower yourself. It gives you something to do that will take your mind off the bullying you suffer. Therefore, the bullying won’t have the effect on you that it would have if you only sat around and dwelled on it.

However, it won’t come without resistance from those around you. Sadly, when we chose to follow our purpose, passion, goals, and dreams, it can induce jealousy and insecurity, especially in your bullies. Moreover, they will find ways to distract you from achieving your desired outcomes.

Also, getting knowledge of your bullies and of bullying can empower you. In fact, it’s one of the most empowering things you can do. And once you realize where bullying comes from and why bullies do it, it won’t have near the effort on your self-esteem that it once did.

Again, don’t think any of these steps won’t come with some resistance.

So, what are the things bullies and other people will do to get in your way?

1. They will fill you with doubt. If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: Those who fill you with doubt also doubt themselves. When their own self-doubt holds them back, they will project it onto you and hold you back as well.

2. They won’t be as excited about your dreams as you are. But don’t take it personally. Only a few people in your life will be as excited about your dreams as you and vise versa. You will only be as excited about the dreams of those you love most and wish well. And bullies will laugh at your dreams. This is a fact of life.

Therefore, don’t let that kill your excitement and don’t let it stop you. Because, if you’re not careful, it’s easy to let their lack of enthusiasm discourage you.

3. They may go a step further and discourage you. They may tell you that your goal or dreams isn’t worth pursuing. Maybe, they’ll tell you that you’ll only fail. This can inject fear in your mind and cause you to hesitate taking the first step to success.

 Playing Mind Games with Yourself

Understand that bullies and others who discourage you, do so based on their own limitations and failures. Their discouragement comes from their own worldview. And their worldview is that of failure and disappointment. In other words, their own limited self-beliefs stem from their own lack of success and their observation of others around them who failed to achieve their goals and dreams.

Some discourage you because they are afraid that you’ll succeed and, in that, force them to take stock of their own lack of accomplishment. But others, who may indeed care about you, may call themselves trying to spare you from the heartache of failure. For example, let’s say you want to go into the music business and others are piling on a mountain of discouragement.

Here are some questions you will need to ask yourself:

1. Does this person really know more about music than you do?

2. Does this individual understand you as a person? Have they even taken the time to do so?

3. Have they themselves worked hard and achieved any of their own goals and dreams?

If the answer is no, then you should give no consideration to anything they tell you. We must do what we love. In other words, we must follow our purpose and passion. Otherwise, the desire to do so won’t have an outlet and will only grow. Also, the bullying we suffer will have more of a chance of getting under our skin.

You will only continue to squelch those desires, only for them to resurface? Or worse, you’ll end up living with regret? You must realize that people who are determined to stay in their comfort zones also want you to stay in yours.

Comfort Zones Only Keep You Stuck

Realize that empowerment comes with personal responsibility. It comes with a ton of mind work and much re-framing. And when bullies are attacking you left and right, it can be extremely difficult to re-frame those attacks and keep that victim mentality from getting a grip on you. However, if you want to keep your power and move toward a better life, you must refuse to call yourself a victim. Instead, call yourself a target. Because you are a target. But you don’t have to be a victim.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should Befriend Other Targets

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The old saying that “birds of a feather flock together” rings true. The Law of Similarity dictates that in order to find good friendships, you must establish common ground. Understand that those who share the same activities, experiences, perspectives, and attitudes have a high probability of developing close friendships. Humans are naturally drawn to those who share mutual interests.

How targets make friends is to find like-minded people to bond with. And nothing bonds humans like a shared contempt for the same things, people, and groups. Therefore, developing connections with other targets is not only necessary but wise.

When a target finds others who have been bullied by the same bullies, it not only confirms that he isn’t alone in the fight, but it’s a juicy opportunity to make friends and allies. And these new friends just might back the target up the next time her bullies come calling.

Commonalities Attract

Also, it reinforces the fact that the target is not a bad person. It says that, despite what bullies and most others have told him, he can make friends. It sends the message that the target is a likeable person and automatically discredits the bullies. Therefore, having friends who share the same experiences is a real self-esteem booster.

When targets unite, they share sameness and, therefore, are least likely to face conflict with one another. Each target in the group finally feels understood.

Case in point, sameness will always attract people to one another. People tend to become friends with those most like themselves. When targets begin to associate with and create ties with others whom the bullies have targeted, they immediately establish common ground. It is this common ground which quickly develops rapport.

A “Target Rich Environment”

If you’re a target of bullying and you find it difficult to make friends, you can create a “target rich environment” for  yourself by staying among other targets.

I cannot say this enough- we develop the best friendships with those who resemble us the most. We’re attracted to people with the same desires and pursuits. If you can find common ground, developing a positive relationship will be a cake walk!

So, how do you know that there’s common ground before you even talk to the person?

You start by noticing how the person dresses. Are there any similarities? If the person is wearing a tee shirt with the logo or picture of a rock group you like, there’s shared interest. And if they only have a slight interest in the group, you, at least, share a love of rock and roll music.

What a person is doing also gives clues. Also, their posture also has many tells in it. For example, if a person is sitting at the lunch table alone, slumps in their chair, and doesn’t interact much with others, you know that they have low self-esteem. And low self-esteem comes from bullying and abuse. So, don’t be afraid to go over and talk to them. You just might be the friend they’re looking for!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Many of my Bullies Claimed to be Christians

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But were they really Christians? Were they, in fact, true Christians? Sadly, because many of my classmates were known to others, especially the school staff, as church-going kids. Therefore, they often got credibility they never earned. For example, there was a group a girls who the teachers and principal dubbed as “the religious girls.” However, they were just as nasty, if not worse, than the secular kids in the class.

This is not to say that all Christians are like this, because no, not all of them are. And this comes from someone who is one. However, just as with any other religion, party, or group, there will always be wolves in sheep’s clothing among the flock.

Sure, over half of these classmates sat in a church pew on Sunday. However, they would bully me and a few others at school during the week or join in. And the few who didn’t actively participate in the bullying, would stand back. They would watch the bullying, and would either get entertainment from it, or pretend it wasn’t happening. How Christian was that?

Just Because They Claim to be Christians Doesn’t Make it So.

These so-called Christian kids never bullied me by cursing me out or beating me up. No. They were too smart to make it that obvious. However, they would sat back and snicker as they watched it happen. Or they would bully me spiritually. For instance, these kids would tell me that I should, ”turn the other cheek.”  They suggested that I submit to the bad treatment and if I didn’t,  I was going to hell. But the question here is this. What would they have done if the shoe was on the other foot? Would they have submitted to it if it were happening to them?

Now, you would think that the people who know the Bible better than me and had a Christian platform would never have used it to abuse me. But yes! Many of them did, And no doubt, they would again if they ever got the chance.

Remember that the devil never comes in the form of a red man with horns and a pointy tail. He comes as an angel of light!

It’s bad enough when people who aren’t in the church target you for bullying. But when it’s those who claim to be Christians, it can be downright devastating. Why? Because, just by virtue of being known as Christians, they will likely compel you to believe that you really are an evil person and feel terrible about yourself.

Judge Only by Actions, Not Affiliations.

Again, I had many so-called Christians in my class. And I can state, with full conviction, that they were a part of the abuse I suffered. However, now that I’m older, I can look back and see them for who they really were- sanctimonious hypocrites. And once you’re able to see your bullies exactly as they are, no amount of gaslighting will work on you. Any justification or rationalization of what they did will no longer have an effect on you because, in essence, they stand naked before you. And I thank the Lord for giving me this knowledge because it has given me so much confidence.

And confidence is freedom.

As I said earlier, I realize that none of us are perfect because we’re all human and humans sin all the time. Christians are no exception to this. And I’ll be the first to admit that there were times and situations when I didn’t act very Christian. And I’m not afraid to own it. But what I didn’t do was repeatedly use my faith as a weapon against someone who was already being horribly mistreated. However, anytime they use their faith to destroy another, they stoop to a special kind of evil and God will judge them the harshest.

I know for a fact that Jesus would have had my back. Also, He would have admonished them for not only their persecution of a few others, but for their fake Christianity and sanctimony. Because true Christians will never use their faith and Christian platform to bully and destroy another human being.

Giving it a Name.

Therefore, if anyone who claims to be a person of God bullies you and uses their faith to destroy your spirit, there are names for it you can use. Sanctimony and hypocrisy. Knowing how to name these people is your power because it makes it so much easier for you to call it out. So, I urge you to see these people for who they are and name them accordingly. They are not Christians. They’re only sanctimonious hypocrites.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies and Their Unsolicited Advice

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Bullies are good at giving unsolicited advice, even through they despise it when the shoe is on the other foot.

They give you free advice on how think, act, or feel under any circumstances. What bullies are best at is telling you how you should react to the very abuse they inflict. These morons have a lot of nerve, don’t they?

However, I want you to understand why bullies do this. Bullies give unsolicited advice because it serves them to do so. How does it serve them, you may ask? It does so by giving their audience the impression that they know more and are more qualified than you.

In other words, bullies don’t give advice to help you. They give it to help themselves– to look cute and like they’re smarter than you.

Therefore, if you don’t know why bullies do it nor how to counter it, it can chip away at your self-esteem. So, what are ways that you can counter a smartass bully who gives you advice you didn’t ask for?

You Don’t Need a Bully’s Cheap Two Cents.

You counter this by having a clear understanding that the amount of weight another person’s opinion carries with you depends on their relationship with you. Or, at least, it should.

Put another way, the people who are the closest to you and whom you feel closest to are those whose opinions you should value the most. These are the people who love and care for you the most- your parents, grandparents, your spouse- your dearest family and friends.

In contrast, the opinions of any bullies, fake friends, anyone who uses and abuses you, should carry the least weight. We should never value the opinions or judgements of bullies. Ever! Even if the bullies happen to be bosses, teachers, or any other superiors, you don’t have to give any worth to any opinions they have. Only with superiors, you may want to handle this differently. Perhaps the best thing is to keep quiet about it until you find a way out from under their thumbs.

Understand that all through life, many people will give their opinions. However, those opinions won’t serve you nor will they have any bearing on your life.

Never Give Value to Anything that Has None.

Opinions are like elbows and everyone has one. But the value of an opinion must always be determined by who they come from and the relationship you have with them.

Therefore, stop giving undue value to the opinions of those who aren’t worth your consideration. In that, you happily discard any unsolicited advice from anyone who hasn’t earned your respect. When you do, you keep your power and your dignity.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When Bullies Move the Goalposts

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Understand that bullies will always judge you and they will do it by default. In other words, they’ll judge you without provocation. You won’t need to do, wear, or say anything wrong because they will dissect everything until they find something wrong. Moreover, just your mere presence alone will invoke their judgements and attacks.

But know this. The negative suggestions and personal attacks they hurl are strictly to control you. That’s right. They insult you to control you. Realize that bullies want to make you think, feel, and act the way they want you to. Nothing more.

And those judgements, insults, and personal attacks come from a place of entitlement.

Therefore, you must realize that your bullies will not be happy with nor will they accept you, no matter what you do. And any efforts to win their approval will be like pouring water into a sieve.

Remember! It’s all About Control!

How many attempts to satisfy these bullies are you willing to make before you become exhausted? How long are you willing to shapeshift before you realize that conforming and adapting accordingly to their standards of who you should be will never yield the desired results?

You’ll only end up disheartened in the end. Because, just as you can never fill a sieve, you can never appease a bully.

So, stop wasting your time and energy. And stop sacrificing your happiness because these people aren’t worth the powder to blow them up. When you don’t stand up for yourself, others will only see you as an easy person and lose respect for you.

The amount of crap you put up with only determines how others treat you in the future. In other words, you teach people how to treat you by what you do or don’t put up with. And when you conform to the standards of others, you only discard your own standards.

Be Yourself in Every Way!

Isn’t it time you lived up to your own? Isn’t it time you begin living life on your own terms instead of someone else’s? Your choices, your likes and preferences, your pleasures, and your happiness should never depend on the permission of another.

Therefore, you must always be yourself. This means that you must have your own opinions, likes, dislikes, and preferences. Also, you must do the things you love most, no matter what others think. Be yourself in every way!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

A Bully’s Power is Your Lack of Knowledge

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If you are a target of bullying, you must have knowledge of not only where your bullies draw their power from, but where your own power comes from.

If you don’t know it, you must learn it. And once you do, you will disarm bullies from a very powerful tool. And that tool is your lack of knowledge. Realize that your lack of awareness of your own value, along with the bully’s nature, mindset, and tactics is their biggest power.

Therefore, when you understand the value that you bring and how bullies think and operate, their moves and power plays will no longer have any effect on you.

Again, your lack of knowledge of your own power and potential is the main area from where your bullies draw their power.

In other words, if you already know the bullies are bad news and that they aren’t worthy of your time nor consideration, they can’t get over on you. Why? Because it takes two to create a bullying incident- the bully and the target.

So, what pillars must you realize to understand your power?

1. Your goodness

2. Strength

3. Rights

In that, you know your value. And this is your power.

Additionally, when you don’t realize your value, that’s another one of the bullies’ greatest assets. And it’s why many targets simp out- they don’t know their value, rights, nor strength.

When You Simp, You Only Hand Over Your Power.

Many targets simp for approval, attention, and popularity and most don’t realize they’re doing it. In doing these things, you not only get worse abuse from the bullies, but you also lose respect from bystanders who would otherwise be friends and allies. Therefore, even the bystanders and witnesses will begin to mistreat you too. And that reason will be that you don’t respect yourself.

Understand that if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will respect you either.

Therefore, you must respect yourself and do it in the early stages of bullying. Because once the bullying has gone on for so long, it will be too late. And the way to self-respect is to have knowledge of your value and your power. Know your worth and you will know your power!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Bully’s Worst Nightmare: Truth

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To bullies, everything is all about appearances. They work hard every day to put on the best and most convincing fronts. It’s what they’re best at.

Bullies are some of the dumbest, most incompetent people on the face of the earth, yet they’re talented at making themselves look intelligent. They make themselves look bigger, better, and more important than they truly are. They always have an image to keep up. But that image is false.

Truth shatters that image and lays bare their imperfections. Confront them with the truth about themselves, and that facade immediately melts away, and those true colors bleed through.

The truth hurts, and it’s maddening. Anytime bullies are confronted with the reality of who they are, they become enraged, going from zero to one hundred in a split second. Instant bitch mode is activated, and all hell breaks loose.

But this is a typical reaction from bullies. Their overinflated egos can’t handle being wrong and someone calling it out. It’s as if you hold a mirror up to them and show them their naked reflections and all the stretch marks, cellulite, and bumps of fat they’ve for so long kept hidden from the rest of the world.

When another person addresses a bully’s bad behavior, especially in front of an audience, they immediately bristle. They will deny it; they will fight it, but they can’t escape it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Please Hold On! The Best is Yet to Come!

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People may bully you now but they won’t always. Although the bullying is intense- even unbearable, the struggle is only temporary. And I do not say this lightly. I know what you must be thinking… “But she doesn’t understand!”

“Nobody understands!”

“She’s isn’t suffering, and she doesn’t understand the hell I go through every day at work or at school!”

I do understand because once upon a time, I was stuck in the same spot that you are in today. I know what it is like to want to smile, laugh, sing, and dance only for others beat it out of you. Also, I understand the pain of wanting to believe in yourself and see your own value. You try to feel good about yourself, only for others to repeatedly and seemingly deliberately drum into your head that you are nothing.

I Feel Your Pain because I Experienced it.

To want to speak and use your voice, only for people to silence you. You want to just live in peace. But others only threaten physical harm, further degradation and humiliation. School staff threatens suspension or expulsion. Your supervisor may threaten you with the loss of your job and livelihood. Moreover,  others may sabotage your opportunities! I know all too well the desire to move forward and go places, only for bullies to hold you back.

To want to escape the torment, only to be stuck in a toxic environment with toxic people, against your will! I know the horror of knowing that others curse your very existence and bombard you with death threats.

I know what it feels like to have others force you to sacrifice your own needs and wants for their own satisfaction! And to see others getting gratification and entertainment- all at your expense. I know what it’s like to be marginalized, shut out, devalued as a person. Additionally, I know what it’s like to even be slapped, kicked, beaten, scorned, disregarded, walked on!

It is a feeling of being run over by a truck, whose driver then stops, throws it into reverse, and backs over you again. The driver shifts back into drive and mows over you- yet again. He then stops the truck, opens the door, sticks his head out, and asks, “Are you dead yet?”

Bullies Don’t only Want to Hurt You, They Wan’t to Destroy You.

And any signs of life- any whimper or movement only encourages the driver to close the door, shift into reverse again, and back over you again. He just keeps running and backing over you until you finally succumb to the trauma and die.

Yes. This is akin to what targets of bullying endure. Bullies want to destroy you, and it seems that they won’t relent until they are sure that they have done just that.

But know this. You will not have to deal with these people forever, and Karma does repay- in spades! If you keep believing in yourself, you will become successful and happy. And when you finally get there, your bullies won’t even matter to you.

Know that You CAN Overcome Bullying!

You are beautiful! Smart! Awesome! And one day, you will cross paths with people who will see your worth and love you. Even better, they will love you unconditionally- just for being YOU! You will find a teacher, school, supervisor, or employer who will see the good you bring to the table.  And these people will view you as the asset you truly are!

Don’t give up. You are worth fighting for!

With knowledge comes empowerment!