idea

How to Outsmart a Bully: 1 Proven Strategy.

5 Comments

‘Want to know how to outsmart a bully at school or work and make yourself bully-proof? Here is one proven three-part technique you need to know about.

how to outsmart a bully

Having a bully on your tail can be overwhelmingly stressful. If you’re anything like I was when it was happening to me, you’re probably wondering how to outsmart a bully. As someone who has been there and used this method successfully, I’m giving you the exact tactic that worked for me.

You are going to learn the exact tactic that works like a charm.

After you learn this three-step strategy. You will be able to successfully lure your bullies into a trap they won’t be able to escape from. Moreover, they will think twice before trying to use you again.

This post is all about how to outsmart a bully at school, work, or the community by using the three part tactic that every victim of bullying should know.

how to outsmart a bully

Before we get into the three-part strategy, let’s first discuss the bully’s attitude about anyone who is smart.

Whether in the school, workplace, community, or even family setting, bullies hate a person who’s smart. Why? Because anyone who’s intelligent is likely to see through their acts and smoke screens.

Moreover, bullies also hate anyone who’s independent because they’re least likely to be controlled and subdued. In fact, most independent people are smart because they know how to improvise and do not need anyone else to hold their hand.

As we see in so many examples today in government and media, bullies would rather have you dependent, submissive, and ignorant. Now, why is this?

It’s because an ignorant person is a gullible person who will believe anything others tell them even if it leads them to the slaughter.

naivete is the root of dependence and submissiveness.

People who aren’t very bright, are the easiest to take power from and control because they never think for themselves. Also, they never think critically. People with low IQ take everything at face value and will fall for anything.

Moreover, a person who is naive either hasn’t had enough life lessons to learn, or they’ve been coddled and sheltered. In other words, they weren’t allowed to fall on their butt and have never been made to pick themselves back up.

Therefore, this person is also dependent. They are dependent because they never learned how to fend for themselves. Who can learn anything when, people are constantly bailing them out?

The ignorant are also submissive because they’ll do anything people, especially those who have a little influence (politicians, media, celebrities, sports figures…anyone with authority and clout) tell them just to stay in their good graces and those of society and the public.

How to outsmart a bully: Realize that Bullies easily take advantage of those who are naive, dependent, and submissive.

Therefore, understand that knowledge is power. Having the knowledge of evil and the motives and intentions behind it is the only way you’ll be able to protect yourself from it.

On the other hand, if you don’t know evil is happening, you’ll never be able to defend yourself against it. Therefore, you will be blindsided and thrown off balance when evil finally strikes!

And then you will be defenseless!

And the same will be if you’re willfully blind and ignorant. Though ignorance may be bliss, it won’t help you when evil strikes and reality is staring you square in the face. You’ll be just as defenseless!

You’re never too old to learn. And the process of attaining growth and wisdom is never comfortable.

In fact, it can be downright painful because it requires that you unlearn some of the falsehoods that have been drummed into your head for so long.

It also requires that you admit that you were duped- that you fell for all the bullies’ lies and that you were wrong. And, yes, it also demands that you admit that you are, or have been…wait for it… a dimwit! Gasp! Ouch!

It’s what I had to do, and it wasn’t fun, I can tell you!

It will be worth it in the end!

However, once you allow yourself to go through this painful process. In other words, once you admit some hard truths, you will come out a much better version of yourself. You will be wise, and it will be as if you’ve been given a new set of eyes.

 You will see so much clearer and be able to pick out the tiniest detail. And the devil is always in the details.

Again, ignorance is bliss, but only for so long. Eventually, you will do either one of two things. You will either wise up and act to save yourself. Or, you will suffer the shock of realizing you were duped all along.

And your eyes will finally open the moment you face the very real prospect of being destroyed by the very people who fooled you.

How to outsmart a bully at school or work: What is the three-part strategy?

1. go ahead and allow the bullies to think you’re ignorant.

In other words, play the fool!

Here’s one thing you must know right now. When people think you aren’t very smart, you can run circles around them if you know how to use it to your advantage.

Why? Because you can use it to deceive your bullies and lull them into a false sense of security. Moreover, you can give them a feeling of mind-superiority and disarm any suspicions they may have.

Here’s one of the anti-bullying quotes I put on social media a few years back.

“When people mistake you for being stupid, it can really be a good thing if you know how to use it to your advantage. You can pull some sly, shady stuff and get away with it because no one would ever suspect it was you. They’d never think you were smart enough to pull it off!”

This is especially true with aggressive bullies because they’ll often rush in foolishly and make rash decision. As a result, they can get themselves in a lot of trouble.

Furthermore, this also works on arrogant and overconfident bullies. Why? Because the easier they think it is to abuse you, the easier it is for you to flip the script on them.

How to Outsmart a Bully: If you’re going to play the fool, be a genius at it!

If you want to move up any ladder but are low on the social hierarchy, appearing foolish can be the perfect cover! In other words, look like a complete moron, and no one will ever suspect you have tricks up your sleeve.

When bullies deem you a dummy, they don’t perceive you as a threat. They may look down on you, yes. But they’ll likely leave you alone. Therefore, when you finally put your plan into action and strike without warning, you’ll catch them completely by surprise.

So let them think you’re a complete idiot and use it as a weapon against them and a boon for yourself. Bullies may laugh at you behind your back, but if you know how to use it to your advantage, you’ll be the last one laughing!

When Bullies Label You “not smart,” Always Remember this:

Everyone’s a dummy outside of their talents, gifts and fields!

Fish can’t fly,
Birds can’t swim,
Most pro football players can’t write fiction novels,
And most singers and writers probably suck at sports!

My point is that everyone has something they’re good at, maybe some haven’t found out what it is, but everyone has a talent somewhere!

Moreover, understand that people will say things like this any time they feel you are surpassing them at something. Even better they lull themselves into thinking you are the most foolish person on earth.

However, if you see it as an opportunity, you can turn tables on bullies and make utter fools out of them- right before the eyes of everyone else!

2. How to Outsmart a Bully at school, work, or anywhere: Slyly Bolster your bullies’ ego.

In other words, let them delude themselves into a false sense of superiority and security. Oh yes! You read that correctly! Let them think you’re the most ignorant fool around because it’s the first step in laying your trap for them.

And once they get the idea that you’re such a dim bulb that you couldn’t pour pee out of a boot, that’s when it’s time to pull something elaborate, sly and shady as hell!

Put another way, look even more ignorant than your bullies and their perceptions of you will be your shield. They will be your cover when you slyly bait them or attack them, trick or deceive them!

Then, once they do find out you were behind it, it’ll be too late. And your bullies will look like blooming idiots!

3. Strike Unexpectedly.

Put your attack or dirty trick into action. Then, stand back and watch your bullies as they stand there slack jawed. Enjoy the embarrassment they feel and laugh to yourself.

Here’s a good example of this three-step strategy: This is how to outsmart a bully at school.

Celie is in the seventh grade and is a victim of bullying. A group of female bullies sits at the table next to hers and they are brutal.

One day, suddenly and out of the clear blue, they begin acting nice to Celie.

Celie knows there was a catch somewhere. However, she decides to humor the bullies just to see what they want.

Sure enough, a week later, the bullies very sweetly ask her to take up their trays (Ah-HA!!!)

Celie smiles at her bullies and agrees to do it. Therefore, she decides to demean herself for a little while and be their maid for a while. Why? Because Celie has a slick plan for those little creepstresses!

1. How to outsmart a bully At School: Celie Let’s the bullies think she’s ignorant.

So, the other kids laugh and think Celie is a complete pushover. But they don’t suspect that Celie knows something they don’t. But, they’ll soon find out once the opportunity arrives for her to put her plan into action.

2. Celie bolsters her bullies’ ego by continuing to clean up their mess.

Celie continues to play maidservant to her bullies for the next two weeks. That is,  until the day finally comes when the bullies decide to get up and leave the lunchroom.

Just as Celie hopes they do, the bully girls leave their trays, empty milk cartoons, dirty napkins and other garbage lying on the table. They have grown so arrogant, thinking Celie will continue to clean up after them.

3. Celie seizes the opportunity and strikes unexpectedly.

Celie sees her chance. She only gets up and goes to her next class, leaving those trays sitting right there on the table. She leaves the trays exactly where the girls have left them!

As a result, the cafeteria ladies take down the names of all the girls and reports them to the principal!

The principal then calls the girls out of class, takes them back to the cafeteria and makes them clean up their mess. Oh, the humiliation they suffer!

Word gets around about the incident in a matter of minutes, and the girls became laughing stocks of the school! School staff scowl at the girls and other kids point fingers at them, calling them pigs, skanks, slobs, and other degrading names!

 Joy! Celie ends up making her bullies look like the utter garbage they are.

And the bullies’ reactions? Fury! Rage! They immediately threaten physical retaliation. They yell and scream, calling Celie all kinds of names, while she only points and laughs at them.

The bullies never bother her again after their anger cools. They learn a valuable lesson in this. Never underestimate someone you think isn’t smart. They just might prove to be smarter than you think.

This post is all about how to outsmart a bully so that you can humiliate your bullies so badly that they stop targeting you.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying

2. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

Enforcing Personal Boundaries: 7 Powerful Strategies

17 Comments

Setting personal boundaries is one thing, but enforcing personal boundaries is another. Therefore, do you want to know what comes with enforcing personal boundaries? Or, vise versa?

enforcing personal boundaries

Enforcing personal boundaries is much riskier than setting them. This is because, when you set boundaries, you’re only letting people know what they are. Therefore, the only risk to you is of someone challenging those boundaries.

On the other hand, enforcing your boundaries means that you impose consequences to anyone arrogant enough to cross them. Therefore, once a bully or abuser steps over your boundaries, then, it’s time to enforce them.

In this post, you will learn exactly what it means to enforce personal boundaries. Also, you will learn how to go about doing it so that you can better protect yourself against human predators.

After you learn about all these things, you will better and more effectively keep bullies and abusers at bay. Also, you will be able to more successfully protect yourself from all kinds of bullies and abusers.

This post is all about enforcing personal boundaries, what it entails, and how you go about it, so that you can more effectively keep bullies away.

Enforcing Personal Boundaries

As stated earlier, setting boundaries is telling others what you will and will not tolerate and what they can expect from you if they violate one of your boundaries. Enforcing boundaries, on the other hand, is doing what you said you’d do if someone violates them.

Understand that you can set boundaries all day long but if you don’t enforce them, people will pick up on it very quickly. Therefore, they’ll no longer take you seriously.

Moreover, they’ll only see you as making empty threats. People will then step over your boundaries deliberately, just because they can!

This is why enforcing personal boundaries is so important. It’s the step that let’s people know in no uncertain terms that you’re not one to toy around with.

However, setting and enforcing boundaries is never easy, especially if you’re dealing with bullies. Bullies, especially those with narcissistic personality disorder, despise boundaries and will retaliate and lash out at you for daring to have them.

Bullies Despise Boundaries and anyone who has them.

They hate anyone who is their own person and not the person they want them to be. Bullies want conformers and followers, not original, free-thinking individuals.

 Moreover, the reason bullies abhor boundaries is because it means that they can’t control you. And when a bully cannot control you, they go into panic mode and will do very desperate things.

The backlash will be even worse,  if bullies have grown comfortable with wresting control over you. Why? Because you will automatically take them out of their comfort zones once you take your power back. Then you will have hell to pay if you aren’t careful.

Understand that when you decide you will no longer be controlled by your bullies, the power dynamic automatically changes. The trick is to keep that new power dynamic from rolling back.

You see? Bullies have an entitlement attitude and they want things back to the way they used to be. Therefore, be prepared for them to attempt to try to reclaim power by doing either one or all of the following.

  • They will be super sweet to you.
  • They’ll threaten to ruin you socially.
  • They may verbally or physically attack you.
  • Or they’ll resort to smearing you to others.
  • They’ll also lay guilt trips on you.

However, no matter what they do or how they may retaliate, don’t back down. Stick to your guns.

so, what strategies are involved in enforcing personal boundaries?

There are 7.

1. Don’t Just Mouth It. Mean it!

Again, you can’t just set boundaries by threatening consequences. You must be prepared to back it up with action (enforcement) if someone sticks so much as a toe over your boundaries. And the consequences must be severe enough that the person doesn’t want to even think of messing with you again.

2. If they physically attack you, hit them back and make it count.

Anytime a bully lays so much as a finger on you, they are violating your physical boundaries. One of the ways to enforce your physical boundaries is to hit them right back! And when you hit them, make it count!

In other words, hit the bully with enough force that it knocks them down, or at least back a few steps. Instead of only punching them with the strength of your arm, use the strength and weight of your entire body.

Also, hit them dead in the nose. That booger box is the best body part to aim for because a hard blow to the nose stuns a person.

Then, quickly pelt the bully with such a hail of punches that he can’t even think to exchange licks. You must be quick about it because once the bully recovers from the stunning blow and gathers his senses, he will come back at you.

Therefore, unleash a quick-as-lightning rainfall of hard punches to the face and head. And don’t stop until the bully is either down for the count or someone pulls you apart.

3. Enforcing Personal Boundaries: If the Bully is Super Sweet to you, take it with a grain of salt.

In other words, see through the bullies fake, good-guy act.

Anytime bullies start getting chummy with you, there are three reasons.

  • They want something from you.
  • Your bullies are trying to set you up for something bad.
  • They’re trying to bring down your defenses.

Therefore, whatever you do, don’t fall for it!

4. If bullies threaten to ruin you socially, let them.

Even better, tell them to go for it. Chances are good that your bullies have already smeared you to other people and turned them against you. So, what do you have to lose?

And if you do have a few friends they might get to, see this as a test to your friends. In other words, watch your friends closely and see if they go along with it.

Here, you’ll quickly find out whether your friends are really there for you. If your friends believe the bullies’ lies and smears and turn against you, you’ll know that they never were your friends to begin with. Then you can cut them out of your life for good.

On the other hand, if they blow the bullies off and continue to stand with you, you’ll know that they’re true friends and that you can count on them.

5. If they begin screaming, yelling, and cursing you out, put your hand up. Then turn your back and walk away.

Anyone who stands in your face yelling, screaming, and cursing is violating your psychological and emotional boundaries. Therefore, show them that this is not okay.

Put your hand up and walk away. These people do not deserve the privilege of being in your company. However, keep your eyes peeled in case they try to attack you as you’re walking away. People are nuts these days.

And know that if they’re in your face, it’s okay to punch their lights out.

Also, you can look your bullies dead in the eyes, put your hand out like a traffic cop, and tell them to stay the hell away from you.

 

6. Enforcing Personal Boundaries: If Your Bullies smear you to others, again, let them.

That’s right! Let them talk. Let them try to turn everyone against you.

See your bullies’ behavior for what it is. They’re in panic mode. They’re desperate to get you back under their thumb because they’re deathly afraid of losing control of you.

Also, remember this! If they can’t control you, they will try to control how other people look at you. In their desperation, your bullies will lie. They will spread ugly rumors and they will act like you violated them somehow.

And this bears repeating. If others outside of the conflict side with the bullies by believing their falsehoods, then those others, including the people you thought were friends, do not deserve a seat at your table.

Give them all the boot and do it yesterday!

7. If they lay guilt trips on you, blow them off and be on your way.

In other words, your bullies may make up a story about how they’ve done you a favor in the past. And this will more than likely be something you know doggone well isn’t true.

Moreover, when you call them on it, they might tell you that maybe you’ve forgotten about it or that your memory isn’t serving you correctly.

But don’t let them cause you to doubt yourself. And, for Pete’s sake! Don’t let them make you feel guilty!

Remember your history with them. You know that these people have never done a damn thing for you. They’ve only tried to use, abuse, and puppeteer you.

Therefore, tell them to take a hike!

In Conclusion:

Know that enforcing your boundaries will not be easy, especially once bullies have grown accustomed to controlling you.

Nevertheless, you must, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, hold firm and double down. If you refuse to give in to your bullies, there’s always a chance they just might leave you alone.

But be prepared just in case they don’t. You might need to either fight like hell or remove yourself from the bullying environment and go to a place where you can make a fresh start.

This post was all about enforcing personal boundaries to give you the strategies you need to stay strong and take care of yourself.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

3. What to Say Instead of Sorry: 5 Powerful Responses

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

5. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying

Gaslighting Examples: 11 Notable Tactics Gaslighters Use

6 Comments

Do you want to know all the gaslighting examples so that you can properly protect yourself from narcissistic bullies and abusers? These are the most common manipulation tactics that gaslighters use.

gaslighting examples
Gaslighting can leave you dazed and confused, not to mention powerless. If you’re a target of bullying like I was, you’re probably doing all the research you can on how to spot it when it happens. As someone who has been on the receiving end, I’m giving you the most common tactics you need to look out for.

You’re going to learn the tactics gaslighters use, from denial to projection to trivializing.

Once you learn these gaslighting examples, you are going to be prepared for anything bullies throw at you. You will have a good comeback ready and be an expert at shutting down any gaslighter who crosses your path.

This post is all about the gaslighting examples that every decent human being should know.

Gaslighting Examples

Before we go any further, you must first know what gaslighting is, why people gaslight, and the effects it has on victims.

So, what is gaslighting?

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator” ( https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting )

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1940s movie, “Gaslight,” in which a husband slyly tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane.

However, gaslighting doesn’t only happen in marriages and love relationships like in the movie. It occurs everywhere, in families, friendships, at school, work, and in the community. There is also political gaslighting, where dictators and crooked politicians gaslight the people in their land.

Gaslighting is all around us.

Why do people gaslight?

They do it to avoid accountability and to maintain control of their victims. People also gaslight to get their way and have what they want.

What effects does gaslighting have on victims?

Long-term victims of gaslighting often suffer from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Also, they may have trust issues. Moreover, they may be overly self-conscious and struggle with intense self-doubt. Victims of gaslighting tend to question themselves and their own abilities and worth.

Here are 11 Common Gaslighting Examples

1. Denying any wrongdoing

For example, the bully/abuser may say something out of the way to you. Then, when you call them out for it, they emphatically deny it.

“I didn’t say that!”

And they’ll say this when you know doggone well they did say it. To this gaslighting statement, your response should be, “No. You did ‘say that’ because I heard you say it.”

Understand that the reason your bully or abuser uses denial of something they said or did is to make you question your memory.

But don’t question it! Know that you aren’t imagining things and that you aren’t only hearing things in your head. You know what you heard.

2. Telling Boldface lies

Gaslighters tell boldface lies. Moreover, they tell such obvious lies that you’re left wondering where they get the nerve and how they can do it with a straight face.

But understand that these types of people do this deliberately, and there’s a reason why they do it. It’s to cause you to doubt your own perception of the truth.

In fact, people with narcissistic personality disorder and other toxic types are masters at getting people to question their own understanding of what is true. Also, bullies and abusers all have NPD and toxic tendencies.

Therefore, never question your understanding of the truth and have nothing more to do with anyone who pulls this little number. The further you distance yourself from these creeps, the better off you’ll be!

3. Gaslighting examples also include projecting

Projecting or projection is another mechanism gaslighters like to use. So, what is projection?

When bullies project, they accuse their victims of the same evil deeds that they, themselves, are guilty of. Hence, they project their own behavior onto their target victims.

Do not allow them to do this. Keep standing in your truth and calling out the gaslighter’s behavior.

Tell them that they’re only projecting and that it doesn’t work with you.
This may or may not change the gaslighter’s behavior. In fact, the evil person will more than likely double down on it, especially if they have narcissistic personality disorder.

However, if you continue holding your ground, they’re least likely to gaslight you a second time, and others around you will know better than to try it with you as well. In other words, you’ll get more respect in the future.

4. Questioning your memory

Gaslighters love to question your memory because they know that this technique throws most people off-balance. The goal behind this tactic is to cause you to doubt yourself.

Therefore, it causes those around you to doubt you as well because if you have no confidence in your own memory, it’s likely that others won’t either.

So, don’t give them that opportunity. You know what you heard or saw.

Your eyes and ears are not playing tricks on you. Don’t play into the person’s hands. And don’t you doubt yourself for a minute.

5. distracting

Bullies are good at this but only with those who are easy to distract. Therefore, keep your focus on their bad behavior and call it out as it is.

Common ways a gaslighter tries to distract you and others from their wrongdoing is to bring up your past or a mistake you’ve made in the past. Tell them point blank that it has nothing to do with what they just did (or said) and that they’re clearly using a distraction method.

Yes, call out their distracting too and call it out by name. Again, this may not change their behavior and may even make the person want to retaliate.

However, their retaliation will only give them away. So, be sure to make that known as well.

6. Trivializing your reality Is also one of the many gaslighting examples.

Gaslighters are notorious for trivializing their victim’s reality. They may accuse you of “making a mountain out of a molehill.” But call it out by name.

You can always come back with, “Oh, no, no, no! Don’t even try to trivialize it because you’d respond the same way if it were done to you.”

If they keep on, just tell them, “I don’t want to hear another word from you.” Then walk away. You must let this person know that you’re not one they can pull this trick on.

7. Blame-shifting

Ahhh, shifting blame! A classic gaslighting move! Don’t allow them to blame you for their ugly behavior.

Simply tell the person that you aren’t responsible for their actions or their words and that they can never make you accountable for it.

This bears repeating, call it by name. Tell this idiot that blame-shifting won’t work with you and that you’re onto them.

And do it calmly. I guarantee they’ll only go find an easier target because gaslighters hate being challenged.

8. Discrediting

Bullies discredit you by spreading nasty rumors and lies. Your best recourse is to allow them to do it while proving them wrong through your calm demeanor and good behavior.

Remember that the one who talks the loudest is the least credible.

Anyone who points a finger at you has three pointed back at them. Also, when someone tries to defame you, they often repeat the same hogwash over and over again.

Therefore, let them talk themselves into trouble. Then, watch their surprise when people get sick of hearing their BS and get bored with them.

The trick here is to force this person to out themselves without realizing they’re doing it.

In other words, don’t try to defend yourself against the rumors and don’t try explaining yourself. You owe no one any explanations here. Just let them talk.

9. Subtle insults Are Classic Gaslighting Examples

Bullies love to throw zingers at you because they’re too cowardly to bluntly come out and say it directly. And they make sure other people are around to hear it.

They employ these subtle insults in hopes that it will confuse you and fly right over your head while, at the same time, making you look like a clueless dolt to others.

Therefore, you must notice this behavior immediately and call it out. For example, if the bully is pulling this crap because you call them out on something earlier, you can always say this:

“Wow! You’re so angry, aren’t you. You’re mad because I called you out for being a jerk last week. Don’t lie. I know that’s why you’re trying to sling insults.

And do it in front of an audience.

Chances are good that you’ll embarrass the person so bad that they might leave you alone and go find an easier target to toy with.

10. Rewriting history

Gaslighting bullies rewrite history to feel better about themselves when you call them out on something they’ve done in the past. Moreover, they put their own spin on reality to make themselves look better to other people.

They may do this by saying that the reason for their bad behavior is because they were reacting to something that you did to them in the past.

Again, don’t buy this line of garbage. But you don’t have to explain anything either.

Just respond by telling the bully that they’re full of it and walk away. Believe me. Other people will wise up to them sooner or later.

11. Love-bombing

This tactic is a biggie! Gaslighting bullies will, all of a sudden, out of the blue, start acting really nice to you. However, when they do this, now’s the time to watch out.

Why? Because these bullies are nice to you to trick you into letting down your defenses. Moreover, they want to break your defenses so that they can either get something from you or set you up for something bad.

Therefore, it’s imperative that you keep your guard up when these people pour on the niceties. Don’t trust them. Instead, avoid them like the plague.

You don’t need to explain why. Just ignore and avoid them.

They’ll get the hint eventually and back off. Or, they’ll show you their true colors when they get frustrated that you aren’t giving into them.

Either way, you win because they either go away or they expose themselves.

This post was all about gaslighting examples to help you better spot gaslighting tactics and protect yourself against them.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

3. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

4. You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

5. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

stages of bullying

The 4 Stages of Bullying

12 Comments

‘Want to know what the 4 stages of bullying are so that you can know to put a stop to it before it gets out of control?

the 4 stages of bullying

Bullying ruins the lives of millions of innocent people each year. If you’re one of them, you’re probably wondering how it begins and what it is about potential targets that attracts the ire of bullies. As someone who’s been in the crosshairs of bullies, I’m giving you the 4 stages of bullying, in full detail.

You will learn all the characteristics of each of the 4 stages of bullying so that you can know which stages your situation falls in.

Once you learn these phases, you will know what to do and if there’s still time to turn things around.

This post is all about the 4 stages of bullying and what you, as a target, can do to remedy the situation.

The 4 Stages of Bullying

This post isn’t about me and I always make sure to make every post about you, the reader. However, I feel compelled to tell you what my wise grandmother once told me.

“Never. And I mean NEVER… let anyone get comfortable with abusing and mistreating you.”

She was right. However, by the time she gave me that little gold nugget of wisdom, it was already too late.

I was in high school and had been a victim of bullying since moving to *Oakley School District in the sixth grade. Therefore, right then, I understood what she meant and why she gave me that advice.

Therefore, understand that bullying is a process. It goes through stages, the pre-beginning stage, beginning stage, middle stage, and late stage.

Moreover, the bullying can move through stages either quickly and even skip a stage or two, or more slowly. But, how it progresses depends on the situation, environment, and people involved.

1. Pre-beginning Stage of Bullying

A group of classmates or coworkers (bullies) search for a target. Once they spot a potential target (PT), they watch them closely, studying them. Here’s what the bullies try to figure out:

  • What excites the PT
  • Things that make the PT happy, sad, angry, upset, etc.
  • What the PT most desires
  • Any voids in life the PT has
  • Any unmet and unfulfilled wants and needs the PT has.
  • The PT’s body language and facial expressions to assess moods and mental states.

 In other words, the bullies want to know these things to find areas where the PT is most vulnerable. Then, they can figure out whether the person would be an easy target.

2. Beginning Stage (Grooming Stage)

If you’re that PT, understand that bullies will test the waters by throwing out subtle or not-so-subtle insults and attacks to see how you react. If you give the bullies the reaction they’re looking for, they will select you and make you their target.

In other words, the bullies use the above process to groom you.

By this stage, the bullies have gathered the intel they searched for in the pre-beginning stage. They then weaponize it and use it in their attacks against you.

For example: If the bullies find out that your father has a drinking problem, or that your husband or wife is cheating on you. They may use the info to bait you into a reaction.

They may say something to the effect of:

“Hey, So-and-so! I heard that your father is a drunk (or, your wife cheated on you)! Is that true?”

You then fire back saying:

“No, he’s not (she didn’t)! You lay off!

Next, the bullies put you on the defense, then build off your defensive reaction. The bullies laugh and say, “Aww! ‘Smatter? ‘Truth hurt?”

And on and on the bullies build on each answer to get you riled.

The bullies continue to berate you until they get bored with the same tactics. They then escalate the attacks.

 If you don’t stand up for yourself during this stage, you’ll come to be known as a pushover, a wimp- someone that is ripe for abuse.

And once that label becomes iron-clad, it will be almost impossible to keep people from using you as a doormat.

3. The 4 Stages of Bullying: Middle Stage.

In this stage, the bullies signal to other classmates or coworkers that you’re ripe for attack. Therefore, they encourage and even recruit bystanders to unite with them and join in the torment.

Moreover, bullies do this through gossip, rumors, accusations, and smear campaigns. They continue this behavior until, one by one, people begin turning against you.

As time goes by, more and more people turn their backs on you until you have no friends nor support system left.

Now, you have become radioactive. In other words, no one wants to associate with you because they know they’ll be next if they do.

Therefore, to ensure their own reputations don’t become tarnished, bystanders may avoid you altogether. Also, they may become willing participants in the attacks.

We call these people, secondary bullies.

During the middle stage of bullying, physical abuse begins.

In this stage, the bullying becomes physical. Therefore, bullies and others begin to physically attack you. First, they may accidentally on purpose, run into you in the hall or parking lot. Next, they’ll trip you as you’re walking outside.

After that, they hit you, kick, punch, and shove you. Finally, you’ll suffer brutal beatings by bullies and their new followers.

Although physical bullying can happen in the workplace, it’s much more common in the school environment.

The physical bullying then escalates to a climax. People seem to be standing in line, waiting on their turn to have a boxing match with you.

It grows to such that you, while only trying to defend yourself, get involved in many fights.

Consequently, the number of physical altercations causes teachers and staff (or police) to label you as the troublemaker.

Defamation of your character also grows during this stage.

Also, once the mistreatment goes on for so long, others get comfortable with abusing you. In fact, they grow so accustomed to being cruel to you that they don’t even think about nor care how they hurt you.

It is also during this stage that bullies and their recruits go home and tell their families horrible lies and rumors about you. The family members then spread the word to the people they know at work, the supermarket, etc.

Next, the coworkers, friends, and extended family members pass what they’re told to their families.  And word of your perceived evilness or craziness spreads throughout the entire community.

Thus, they completely decimate your reputation. Therefore, everyone meets your reputation before getting the chance to meet you in person.

Understand that people do this deliberately to create a toxic environment for you. In other words, they lay the groundwork for an environment that doesn’t allow you to receive support, make new friends, nor rise above the abuse.

Finally, your opportunities for love, friendship, jobs, careers, etc. are either limited or lost.

4. The 4 Stages of Bullying: Late Stage.

Bullying becomes mobbing when it reaches this stage!

Now, people who’ve never met you wish to attack you. It becomes a case of “you don’t know me, but I know you.”

Therefore, this stage is the most dangerous because everyone around you becomes deranged. Also, they get so emboldened that they don’t try to hide their hatred anymore.

And why not? They’ve gotten away with their abuse for so long that they know that there’s no incentive to stop the attacks.

 snowball effect

Once it reaches this stage, there’s no accountability. Moreover, when there’s no accountability for abuse, there are no limits to it.

Therefore, the bullies (and everyone else) can now escalate the abuse at will. This is the stage that bullying has become life-threatening.

Everyone in the community hates you and wants nothing more than to see you suffer. Understand that the “good people” of the community have no idea why they hate you. Moreover, they’ll never be able to tell you exactly what you did to deserve it.

All they know is that they loathe you and have an intense desire to destroy you.

Furthermore, people will come to expect you the take the abuse. Any attempts to defend yourself will only bring more outrage.

In fact, others will prevent you from questioning their abuse nor talking back to them when they verbally attack you. Also, they’ll try to prevent you from even talking about the abuse to people outside the dynamic.

In other words, when you finally get fed up and stand up to your persecutors, they won’t respect you for it.

The last and most dangerous of the 4 Stages of Bullying

Why is that? Because they’ve grown so accustomed to abusing you, any self-defense on your part takes them out of their comfort zones.

People love their comfort zones. Therefore, they’ll only retaliate and do everything in their power to subdue you. You’ll be in a constant battle which will only wear you down and exhaust you.

Again, this stage is the most dangerous and if you’ve reached this stage, now is the time to leave. Pick up and move to a different area and tell no one where you’re going or even that you’re moving.

Or transfer to a different school. Whatever the case, just find a way to quickly and quietly disappear because your life may depend on it.

Be warned that it is also during this stage that you’ll either die by suicide or leave town, move schools, or move on to a different company to pursue a better life. I hope you choose the latter and not the former.

If you choose the latter option, you’ll finally relocate and get a fresh start. You will also get a chance to reinvent yourself and move on to prosperity.

You will rebuild your life, begin to flourish, and create a better world for yourself.

Case In Point

You must firmly stand up to bad treatment in the early stages of bullying. Why? Because during these stages, it’s more likely that others will respect your right to be treated well.

Therefore, they’ll either leave you alone or began treating you better.

Whereas, if you allow the bullying go on for a long time before defending yourself, others will grow comfortable with abusing you. Therefore, they’ll probably only resent you for daring to open your mouth about it and stand up to their abuse.

They will then double down in their abuse or eliminate you somehow.

Why? Because, as mentioned earlier in the post, once people grow comfortable with mistreating you, it’s much more difficult to fight.

Therefore, always set and enforce your boundaries right when the bullying begins. Never let it go on for any length of time. The sooner you do, the easier it will be to assert your rights and avoid retaliation.

this post was all about the 4 stages of bullying so that you can better prepare your defense strategies.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

5. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

needy, kiss feet

Needy Behavior: 5 Reasons it Derails Your Social Life

6 Comments

‘Want to know why and how needy behavior destroys your social life? Here are 7 reasons why being needy repels the right people and attracts the wrong people.

needy behavior

Chronic bullying causes so many social problems for victims. When a victim is selected for bullying, bullies begin a vicious smear campaign that can destroy the victims friendships and relationships.

In other words, people begin turning against them because no one wants to risk their own reputations by associating with the bullied person. As a result, everyone isolates the bullied person.

This can cause needy behavior in the victim because they become so desperate for friends that they’re willing to humiliate themselves just for one tiny crumb of human connection.

However, most victim don’t realize that this only makes things worse.

If this is you, this post will teach you how to recognize needy behavior in yourself when it happens. Moreover, you will learn powerful ways to stop the behavior so that you can take back your power and your dignity.

This post is all about how to recognize and stop needy behavior so that you can take back your self-respect and control over your life.

How Do You Recognize Needy Behavior?

You recognize needy behavior by first assessing your inner dialogue, or self-talk. In other words, your thought patterns.

If you’re thinking to yourself things, such as:

“If only I was ten pounds thinner and had long, flowing hair, maybe my friends would like me”

“Maybe if I had bought front row tickets to the game, concert, etc. instead of regular tickets, he would love me.”

“If only I made a 4.0 instead of a 3.99, my family would be proud of me.”

“Maybe I should have bought her a dozen roses instead of a half-dozen, then she would love me.”

“Maybe if I worked sixteen hours a day instead of twelve, then my boss and coworkers would like me.”

Then, yes, you may be exhibiting needy behavior without even knowing that you’re doing it. When you feel needy, you tend to act that way.

Moreover, most bullying targets tend to hold those toxic beliefs about themselves, which translates to, “I’m not enough.” However, I want you to know right now.

You are enough and always have been. It’s just that other people, for selfish or nefarious reasons, have managed to convince you that you aren’t. Therefore, you should see them for what they are… liars!

So, How do you recognize needy behavior in yourself?

Before we go any further, you need to know this. It’s easy to see this kind of behavior in others. The view is always much clearer from the outside.

However, it’s difficult to see a certain behavior in ourselves. We do things all the time without thinking about it. Self-awareness is a must and most people don’t have it, sorry to say.

Here are the behaviors to watch out for:

1. You’re constantly bending over backwards to prove your worth to people.

For example, you may put in lots of effort to help around the house and no one thanks you for it. Or worse, they don’t even acknowledge it.

Here’s another example. You may buy the girl who went on a mercy date with you a dozen roses and even shell out money to pay her car payment… you get the point.

You feel you must buy her love.

The girl doesn’t even like you but she’ll sure take your money and may even thank you for it. However, she doesn’t want to go on a second date. But she forces herself to go to keep getting the benefits from you.

So, while you’re on this date, she ignores you and talks to other guys, making you feel like a loser. But, to hang onto her, you keep giving her money, letting her bleed you until you’re broke.

And once you have nothing left to give her, she ghosts you!

Understand that this over giving never works. It only produces the opposite of your desired result!

What usually happens when you do this?

Anytime you sacrifice yourself to score approval points, you spin your wheels and get nowhere. If anything, people won’t respect you. They’ll only look down on you with a mixture of pity, disgust, and hilarity.

They think you’re pathetic when you’re so eager to kiss butt in you weak attempts to win friends and dates. Also, the more you give at your own expense, the worse others treat you. Why? Because you leave yourself wide open for use and abuse.

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval. Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

You only attract predators, while repelling good, quality people of class and decency. Additionally, human predators have a spidey sense when it comes to picking out those who are weak and approval-seeking. They’ll see you coming a mile away!

And they will take full advantage and bleed you dry of resources, time, and worse! Confidence and happiness!

2. You go out of your way to maintain friendships with people who only tolerate you Just to keep from being alone.

Anytime you become needy, some people might include you in their groups, but not because they like you or want to be around you. They’ll only pretend to like you because they feel sorry for you.

And the last thing you should want is someone’s pity. Yuck! Who in their right mind would want to settle for that? But wait! It gets worse!

After a while, any pity these people might have for you will wear thin.

Here are a few reasons why needy Behavior is not only unattractive and humiliating but downright dangerous:

1. Any time you’re a target of bullying by everyone- the group of so-called friends who pretend to like you put themselves at risk of being made targets themselves. And they know it.

In the minds of the bullies and others, these so-called friends of yours are guilty by association. Therefore, instead of being an asset to the group, you become a liability!

2. The group must pretend to like having you around because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

But their real feelings about you will only seep out in ways that are not so obvious. It’ll be so subtle that you may not even know it’s happening.

And you can bet that if you make the slightest mistake or they perceive the tiniest slight from you, the floodgates will open and their real feelings of dislike and hatred will come rushing out like a raging torrent.

Consequently, they’ll look for any reason to make you go away even if they must treat you with blatant brutality.

Moreover, they’ll never have your back. When your bullies come calling, your fake friends will throw you under the bus, then get behind the wheel and run you over a few times. Understand that these people will not value you as a person.

3. With Needy Behavior, you attract more users and abusers to come into your life.

Others who don’t know you will watch you closely as you continue to simp for acceptance. Then, you’ll draw in new predators because they will see you as someone they can get something from, even if it’s only psychological benefits.

Understand that human predators are drawn to the needy like vultures to a carcass. They seek out people who are desperate to exploit their needs and weaknesses to get what they want from them.

Again, once they’ve gotten all they want out of you, they’ll discard you like a dirty piece of toilet paper.

You may not realize it, but you can do better than a bunch of scavengers!

I want you to understand this.

If you’re doing these things:

Feeling that you must put on a front for others to approve of you.

Fulfill impossible demands from your boss at work.

Thinking that you must give them your delicious dessert at lunch when you really want to eat it yourself.

Believing that you need to do someone’s homework for them, give them money or do something that you don’t want to do to win their friendship

Having to chase someone or go out of your way to get them to see the good in you

Putting up with being abused, disrespected, and humiliated by people who are supposed to be your friends

Tolerating friends who never have your back, who disappear and always throw you under the bus when trouble comes for you

Needing to force conversations with these so-called friends

In a nutshell, if at any time a friendship doesn’t feel right, these people do not deserve the time of day!

4. You’re too agreeable.

People notice when you don’t have your own opinions and beliefs. Agreeing with things you really don’t agree with not only stifles your individuality, it makes you a target.

Understand that everyone is different. Therefore, embrace your individuality and have an opinion that’s all your own. Moreover, if others abuse you for it, that should tell you that you should find better friends.

5. You wear yourself out. 

Because you work so hard to win approval, you eventually deplete yourself of energy. Then, you get exhausted.

In no way am I blaming You because I’ve been there.

I understand the feeling of social deprivation when bullies are constantly sabotaging your ability to make new friends. It gets tough after so long.

However, when you’re that hard-up for social connections, it shows. Anytime you’re willing to put up with crappy treatment to keep from being by yourself, it decreases your worth as a person.

Other people see it and immediately think you’re pathetic. You come off to others as clingy and needy. Even worse, the desperate vibes you put out only attracts more bullying and alienation.

Needy behavior just plain stinks. It is off-putting and repels even the people who would otherwise be good friends.

But you don’t need enemies with friends like that. Ditch these losers fast! They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

Know that you’re worth more than you know and that you can do much better! Believe that with every fiber of your being.

this post was all about needy behavior so that you can learn to spot it and correct it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

2. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

3. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

4. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

14 Comments

‘Want to take a people pleaser test to know the difference between kindness and people-pleasing behavior?

people pleaser test

Kindness is always good. If people target you for bullying and you maintain your kindness, this is even better and shows your strength of character. However, two many people confuse kindness with people-pleasing behavior. This people pleasing test will help you to know the difference.

In this post, you will learn how to distinguish between kindness and people-pleasing acts.

Once you learn the difference between the two, you will be able to extend your kindness only to those who are worthy of it, those who reciprocate the same to you. Moreover, it will help you to better protect yourself from people who take your kindness for weakness.

This post is all about taking the people pleaser test to determine if people are likely to respect your kindness or expect it.

Introducing, The People PLeaser Test

Many people, especially targets of bullying, will have an overwhelming urge to people-please. This is not to say that they’re bad people for doing it. However, it is unhealthy because what these targets are doing is not only counterproductive, it’s self-destructive.

4 Signs YOu’re A People-Pleaser

1. You Extend Kindness and Do for Others Out of fear of being harmed and for self-preservation.

The fear of being harmed is the most common motivator here. Moreover, it’s natural for people to do things against their own wishes and at the behest of an entity more powerful to save themselves from harm. It’s a survival mechanism.

The sad thing is that, though the behavior may protect them for the time being, it will not keep bullies from hurting them later on, down the road. So, does people-pleasing behavior actually work? No.

Consequently, what it does is bring about more bullying. It also entices bystanders who witness it to begin using and abusing you also. Why? Because, if the bullies are doing it and getting the benefits from it, then why shouldn’t they do it too and get those same benefits?

This is what most bystanders will think.

Therefore, you should say no when you don’t want to do something and reserve your kindness to those who return it. Those are the people who deserve it.

“Oh, but they’ll hurt me!” or “They’ll bully me even worse!”

They’re going to do that anyway, if they don’t already. So, why waste your time trying to appease those you can never appease?

2. People Pleaser Test: You do Your Good Deeds Out of A desire for approval and to be liked.

First off, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. It’s a natural, hardwired human need that we all have. However, the problem comes when that’s all you focus on.

Targets of bullying want to be likeable because they think it will protect them and keep them safe. Again, nothing wrong with it. As I stated earlier, it only does the opposite.

Another sad thing is that victims think that the only way to likeability is to be agreeable with everyone. The problem is that you can never be agreeable one hundred percent of the time. It’s just not humanly possible.

Moreover, being too agreeable can have the opposite results of what you’re aiming for. Being too agreeable can cause you to lose respect and for others to see you as a pushover! Yikes!

There are times when it just isn’t smart to be “likeable.” Sometimes you must, in a sense, kick a little bit of booty.

So, how do you train your brain to avoid this behavior?

You start by asking yourself these questions:

1. Do you do it to get approval and be liked?

2. Is your people-pleasing a way to get others to validate you?

3. Do you people-please because you feel you need to prove your worth to people?

4. Do you do it because you want to be accepted or included?

5. Are you attracting users and abusers by this behavior?

6. Are you doing it out of fear?

This is how you’ll get your answer.

There’s nothing wrong with being good to people and helping them out. However, you can do it for the wrong reasons. As a result, you can find yourself getting the opposite of what you want out of it.

For instance, you may attract those who only use and abuse you. Understand that bullies and other such unsavory people will sniff you out. And they’ll use you for their own ends. Therefore, this is why people-pleasing is never good.

3. You Extend Kindness to Prove Your Worth.

Understand this, you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. Worth doesn’t have to be proven. If it’s there, it’s there. People may or may not see it, but it’s still there. It’s up to you to feel worthy.

Your worth is like the wind. You can’t see the wind with your eyes when it blows, but it’s there because you can feel it. Therefore, you see the wind by feeling it.

It’s the same with your worth. See your worth by feeling worthy. Only you can determine what your worth is. Others may think that they can decide it but they can’t. Self-worth always comes from within, never from without.

Therefore, stop trying to prove yourself. Stop bending yourself into a pretzel to seek approval. Decide right now that you don’t need approval from others, especially those who use and abuse you. Their approval, you absolutely DO NOT need. Screw ’em!

4. You Feel Like No One Appreciates you.

If ever you feel like no one appreciates the efforts you go to to make them comfortable, this is how you’ll know to begin making changes. Therefore, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do these people treat me with respect?

If they disrespect you, it’s time to cut these people out of your life for good!

2. Are these people only nice to me when they want something?

This is a huge red flag here. Anytime someone is only nice when they need something from you, it’s a sign that you should get rid of this person.

3. Do they return the favor sometimes?

Give and take, 50-50, is not required. Also, it’s an impossibility. In the best of relationships and friendships, there will be times when you will give more and the other party will give less. On the other hand, the time will come when they give more and you’ll give less.

Therefore, this is not to say that you should constantly keep score. Keeping score is just as bad. However, if they use and abuse you, you might want to reconsider even having those types of people around. Period.

Undue Value and Worth

Basic human value is one thing. Every human being on earth in entitled to basic human value. However, anything above that, they must earn. Worth is not something you should ever give away freely.

Never give your bullies or anyone who abuses or uses you anything they haven’t earned from you. And that includes your respect, your time, your friendship, and your consideration.

In short, never give anyone anything that isn’t reciprocated. For instance, if you’re polite to someone and they take that for weakness and treat you like dirt, then you should drop this person like a bad habit!

You don’t have to treat them like crap, but you don’t have to have anymore to do with them either. Again, you shouldn’t care about trying to please people who judge you and who hate you, because it’s a waste of time.

No. It won’t be easy to rewire your brain and break this bad habit. Learned behavior is not only difficult to change, but it takes time, sometimes years. However, it can be done.

People Pleaser Test: It’s Not ABout The Acts of Kindness, It’s the Motivation Behind Them.

This test doesn’t require you to examine your good deeds. However, it does suggest examining your motives for doing so. This is how you find out whether you do your good out of kindness or an impulse to please people.

So, stop trying to seek approval from these people. Cease trying to be friends with them. Stop wasting so much for your precious energy on people who aren’t worth your consideration.

Remember, they hate you. And to bend over backwards trying to prove yourself to them and get their approval is a waste of your time and energy. They’re just aren’t worth it.

How you put a stop to this is to simply stop overextending yourself, especially for those who don’t appreciate you and don’t care. It’s that simple.

You prioritize your needs and begin meeting your needs first. Others can wait. That is, unless they’re your sick, elder mother or your six-month-old baby who needs you. But, you get the point.

The people who use and abuse you do not deserve one nano second of your time and aren’t even worth your consideration.

You’re worth more than they know and you deserve better.

This post was all about the people pleaser test to help you make your needs a priority and to cut off those who use your good deeds to use you.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

5. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

Social Contagion Effect: Bullying and Social Contagion

6 Comments

If, you’ve experienced bullying did you notice that when people first began to bully you, the hatred seemed to spread throughout the environment like a cancer? Unfortunately bullying has a high social contagion effect.

social contagion effect

This post is all about the social contagion effect of bullying. We will also discuss the mechanics of it and how it effects the target and everyone else in the bullying environment.

After you learn about the details of this phenomenon, you will better be able to prepare yourself. Also, you will make better and more sound judgements as to how to handle it.

bullying and social contagion effect

First, let’s discuss social contagion effect. According to Google, social contagion effect is an ubiquitous process by which information, such as attitudes, emotions, or behaviors, are rapidly spread throughout a group from one member to others without rational thought and reason.

In other words, a certain emotion or mood can spread quickly through a large crowd, leading them to extreme mindsets. This explains the “pack mentality” where people in large groups act in ways they may later regret.

It is the same with bullying. A few bullies select one target out of the whole class, workplace, or community.

Before you know it, the entire student body, workplace, or neighborhood is acting in evil and brutal ways toward the selected target- doing sadistic things that, under normal circumstances, they would never do.

Intense hate spreads throughout the group like cancer. Bystanders, witnesses, even teachers, school officials, supervisors, and managers will partake in the abuse of the singled-out and defenseless target.

But Why do People Do this?

They do this for several reasons:

1. To keep from being the next target
2. To fit into the group
3. To feel better about themselves and superior to someone (anyone).
4. They believe any lies/rumors about the target
5. To tighten bonds among themselves- using the target as the common enemy to unite against

Social Contagion Effect Works to the Bullies’ Advantage.

 Using social contagion effect, charisma, and influence, bullies are able to unite people who think like they do and win over bystanders and members of authority. It’s the reason why entire schools, workplaces, and communities will repetitiously mob a single targeted person. Understand that hate builds on hate.

Moreover, each member of the hating group gets huge psychological benefits from the collective hatred.

The hate helps to mask the insecurities of each member of the hating group. And all haters have insecurities, but not all insecure people are haters.

Bullies know that, outside of a group, they are insignificant, ineffective, and powerless. If you have noticed, and I’m almost certain you have, haters always- always hate in packs. Therefore, they incentivize bystanders and total strangers to join in. Others not only partake in their hatred of the target, but also agree with and condone it.

In their shared hatred of a target, each member gets validation and gains a sense of self-worth. The group also helps them to forget all about their insecurities and shortcomings. Moreover, each person gets the chance to feel superior to the target.

Other benefits bullies get from their groups is a feeling of immense power, anonymity, and decreased accountability.

Hate has a better and much quickly Social Contagion Effect than Love. It is also a Better Group Adhesive.

Realize that hate is like an adhesive that binds each member of the bully group together. When a group of bullies verbally attack their target, it enhances each member’s self-image and the overall status of the group.

However, this is when things tend to become dangerous! It can only get worse, not better for the victim.

Once verbal attacks lose their thrill, the hating group will take it up a notch and begin taunting the target by flipping him off, throwing rocks, destroying their property, and other such activities.

And once that no longer produces the rush of power that they seek, they will then begin shoving, tripping, pushing, etc. Shoving, pushing and tripping will then escalate to punching, kicking, and beating- then worse, worse, and worse still.

Again, understand that hate spreads like a cancer. It’s the root of so many problems today. It’s true that hate hurts the haters more than the hated and that it eats the haters up inside.

However, it can cause a lot of collateral damage and make life dangerous for the victim if the victim fails to learn to recognize it.

An Example of The Social Contagion Effect:

The enthusiasm of the supporters who back the bullies is that of the audience for their favorite ball teams, or an entire nation when its soldiers return home from war. It spreads throughout the group with extreme fervor and exalts their “heroes” while degrading the adversary or enemy.

Also, each member must continue thinking and acting like the rest of the hating group, or risk being excluded from the group. Even worse, the group may target them too and they know it.

Us Versus Them

Another example of the social contagion effect is that the group only grows.

In other words, your bullies and their loyal sycophants vastly outnumber you and their numbers seemingly increase day by day. And, the larger their numbers, the more emboldened they become to show hostility because they believe it’s safer to do so.

This is why people in groups are far more open with abuse because they get a certain degree of cover and anonymity from the group.

Worse even, not only do their numbers grow, the hatred and hostility of each member also grows. Moreover, the more they band together and bond with each other. Therefore, the more hostility they will heap on top of you.

And the hatred and hostility only serve to strengthen their desire to not only isolate you, but to eliminate you altogether.

Therefore, the group’s increasing numbers and their comradery and support for one another, combined with their blatant hostility for you are both powerful and dangerous. It’s the same kind of scenario you also see in political fights and persecution.

Whether in sports against the opposing team, in the military against the enemy on the battlefield, or a group of bullies and bystanders against a target, the mentality and feelings of hostility are all the same- it’s the dynamic of “us versus them.”

When bullies turn an entire school, workplace, or organization against one target, the entire group shares a great degree of esprit de corps. Members of the group solidify themselves to one another and distance themselves from you. In this, they overplay the sameness in their clique and differences from the you.

What Happens When You Confront this Type of thing Head-On?

Sadly, these kinds of dynamics are difficult for you to stand up to and defend against. Therefore, let this serve as a warning.

You will feel angry and you will become tired of all the BS. And you may decide once and for all, to stand up to all of them and speak out, which, you have ever right to do so.

 However, when you do muster up the courage to say and/or do anything to assert, defend, or stand up for yourself, you are going against a large group and perceived norm.

And once you dare to push back against any status quo and any large group, you had better prepare yourself for an all-out war!

Remember. In their minds, you are the enemy! Nothing more, nothing less. And the enemy doesn’t deserve the right to live in peace. The enemy deserves nothing but total destruction. Again, this is how they think.

As much as it may suck, when you become a target of bullying, people- bullies, bystanders, and yes, sometimes even those in authority, such as teachers and school officials, upper management in the workplace, or police in a community, consciously or subconsciously expect you to stay a target.

From their perspective, you are to “know your place.” In other words, they expect you to put your head down and take the abuse. Moreover, they want you to just accept your position in life and not to expect things to get better.

And if you even attempt to grow a spine, they will do everything in their power to break it.

So, What Can You Do about social contagion effect?

I hate to say it. But sometimes, the best recourse is just to find a way to escape the environment. Understand that you’re not running away nor are you being cowardly.

You are being wise. You’re doing what you must do to take care of yourself. Moreover, you are seeing reality for what it is.

And the reality is that some power dynamics are too great for one person to stand against. Therefore, rather than stay and continue to push against a brick wall that just won’t budge, you must get out of that hostile environment and allowing yourself to move on to a safer one.

Therefore, again, there’s nothing wrong with this and it doesn’t mean that you’re a coward.

Know When It’s Time to Move On.

“Oh, but they’ll think I’m a coward! So, I have to stay and fight.”

SCREW them! What do you care what they think after you’ve left? Let them think what they will. What are you going to do? Stay and continue wasting your time fighting something you can’t change or win? Life’s too short for that.

Part of taking care of yourself and being brave is to know when to cut your losses and move on to greener pastures.

In other words, if you’re an object of this kind of hatred, the best you can do is to make yourself a priority.

How you do this is to take steps to protect yourself. There are times when that means leaving situations that are too toxic to stay in and too powerful to fight. The trick is to pick your battles and decide when you should fight and when you should walk away from toxic people.

 Moreover, focus on the people you love and who love you. Stay away from abusive people and keep yourself around people who uplift you. Move to and stay in a warm and loving environment if possible. You owe it to yourself.

This post was all about the social Contagion effect to better prepare you for situations of group bullying.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

Smiling woman against a wall. Her shadow has horns and a pointy tail.

Removing Toxic People: 5 Successful Ways to Give Them the Boot

33 Comments

‘Want to know how to go about removing toxic people from your life so that you can finally live in peace?

removing toxic people

Dealing with bullies, abusers, and users who suck the life out of you can add unnecessary stress to your life. However, if you’re anything like me, you’re probably desperately searching for the best ways of successfully removing toxic people.

You will learn the best and most effective ways to remove human leeches from your life.

Once you learn these techniques, you will be smart and successful at removing toxic people. As a result, you will live a more peaceful and relaxing life of freedom and happiness.

this post is all about how to go about removing toxic people and reclaiming your peace.

However, before you can learn how to remove these happiness thieves, you must first know how to spot them.

Toxic people are those who are ungrateful and never see the positive side of anything. They are also those who are notorious gossips, complainers, and whiners.

Other names for toxic people include,Negative Nancies or Nathans and Debbie or Danny Downers.

A toxic person will undermine your accomplishments and successes by stunning you with backhanded compliments. In a nutshell, they suck the oxygen out of the room with their negativity. In that, they make you want to run for the nearest exit when you see them coming.

I can’t stress enough the importance of giving these happiness thieves the old heave-ho. And once you do, you’ll be surprise at the amazing things it will do for your self-esteem.

But! It’s much easier said than done.

Removing toxic people means making hard decisions

It is only natural that you want to be liked and be accepted by peers. However, when you are a target of bullying, those wants can be hard to attain due to lies and rumors that bullies may spread to keep you isolated and alone.

You see? The last thing a bully wants is for anyone, and I mean ANYONE, to want to be friends with you.

Therefore, it’s too common for bully targets to become desperate for friends. Some get so much so that any human connection with anyone their age will do.

As a result, bullying victims may get involved with the wrong people. In other words, they hitch their wagons to people who only tolerate rather than accept them.

However, just because your new friends aren’t directly abusing you (hitting, shouting, name-calling) doesn’t mean they’re your friends. Therefore, don’t mistake this as a friendship and latch on.

 Also, you may feel that these losers are the best you can do.  You may think that there’s nothing better out there for you. But this is wrong. You can do better, you just don’t know it because bullies have convinced you that you can’t.

And sadly, while your back is turned, your “new buddies” at school or at work are rolling their eyes and talking through their teeth. I want you to realize that these new friends of yours are no better than your bullies. They only feel sorry for you. Yuck!

Therefore, these are the types of people who are toxic and you should ditch them… fast!

Removing Toxic People: Here’s How You Weed Them Out!

1. Be Yourself.

You may feel that you must build a fake persona for the sake of friendship and approval. However, what you don’t realize is that most of your friends aren’t really for you. They only act like they are just to get something from you.

Consequently, these people can reek havoc in your life if you aren’t careful! I want you to realize that like attracts like.

Understand that when you’re fake, you only attract more like-minded people into your world. In other words, you’ll only draw in fakes, fraudsters, and imposters!

On the other hand, when you begin being yourself, these people will naturally be repelled because they won’t like it.

Being real has a way of intimidating and threatening the fakes. It strikes fear in them because a person who’s for real has a chance of exposing their fakery.

Is it any wonder that fake people either stay away from or bully those who are real? It’s because realness scares them to death!

Two things happen when you decide that you’re going to be your true, authentic self. First, it allows you to see who’s for real and who isn’t. Secondly, you scare away the fakes. Trust me, this is what you want to happen.

In other words, when you’re authentic, you force people to reveal their true natures and tell you all you need to know about them.

2. Removing toxic people also requires you to Set Boundaries.

This is a biggie! Setting boundaries is not easy. It can be frightening sometimes.

It’s especially hard when someone pushes you too far and the situation calls for you to put on your bitch-face. However, some situations call for you to  show your booty to people.

Therefore, when these circumstances arise, don’t worry about what others might think or say about it.

If nothing else, remember this. Boundaries always expose the imposters. Always!

When you start setting boundaries, watch how people react! You’ll be amazed at how many people get angry and upset!

You will automatically see their evil sides as they immediately turn against you. Moreover, they will react by trying to lay guilt trips on you or smearing you to others, among other things.

But understand that anyone who gets angry at you for having boundaries only does so because of their own self-interest. Realize that these folks benefited all this time from you not having any boundaries at all. So, do you think they want those benefits to stop?

Don’t be afraid to let these people go because they never were your friends and therefore don’t belong in your life. Your real friends, on the other hand, will be happy for you. These people will cheer you on because they will genuinely care for you want what’s best for you.

3. Speak and Stand in Your Truth.

When you begin freely speaking out, especially about past abuse and bullying, you can bet that you’ll make a lot of people angry. You’ll make bitter enemies not only of these people but also of those who stood by and watched it happen but fail to stop it.

Moreover, even if you don’t use their names and choose not to identify them, it won’t matter. Understand that any abuse thrives on silence. Therefore, abusers and most bystanders don’t want you talking about it at all!

Sadly, these toxic leeches are sometimes those we call friends. Abusers can’t chance being exposed and seen by others in a negative light. Therefore, they’ll go to great lengths to shut you down.

Again. This is how you weed out all the fakes and expose people for who they are and you must deep-six these people. Fast!

Understand that for a garden to not only grow but flourish, you must get rid of all the weeds. The same goes for the people in our lives.

If you continue to surround yourself with users, abusers, and people who only stifle you, you’ll have no chance of growth and advancement.

On the other hand, when you remove all the junk people, you make room for new people of better quality to come into your life.

4. Removing toxic people: Voice your opinions.

This is more important to do today, more than ever! Why? Because most people nowadays tend to get abusive and bent out of shape when they discover that you don’t have the same opinions, beliefs or convictions as they do.

So, do you want people around you who don’t respect your rights to be a separate individual with an independent mind? I would hope you wouldn’t.

Understand that everyone is different. Different people have different backgrounds and experiences. Your background and experiences is what shapes your perspective.

 Therefore, not only should you respect the opinions of others, but they should also respect yours in return. Though we may not always agree with them, we can respect them and continue to get along with those who have differences of belief and opinion.

However, many don’t live by that virtue these days. And when people resort to ad hominem attacks against you when you don’t agree with their views, they only reveal their own evil intolerance and that they never were with you to begin with.

Therefore, show them the door quickly!

5. Go No Contact.

In other words, have no more to do with these life-suckers. Understand that you’re not ditching them to be mean to them, you’re doing it for your own psychological well-being. Just as we take care of our physical bodies, we must also take care of our minds as well.

By avoiding people who only want to bring you down, you restore your self-esteem and overall mental health. Also, your quality of life will skyrocket and you’ll have more happiness and peace of mind.

Therefore, do these five things, to expose and get rid of the weeds.

You’ll be surprised at how it changes your life. Moreover, what will really astound you is the high quality of new friends who come into your life later!

This post was all about how to go about removing toxic people from your life so that you can begin living a happier, healthier, and more peaceful life.

 Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

2. How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem: 7 Insanely Easy Ways

3. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

4. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

5. How to Stop a Bully from Bullying You: 7 Powerful Strategies

What to Say Instead of Sorry: 5 Powerful Responses

15 Comments

Do you want to know what to say instead of sorry when bullies and abusers demand an undeserved or unwarranted apology? Here are the most powerful apology-replacement responses you need to know.

what to say instead of sorry

Knowing what to say instead of sorry is so important when you’re being bullied, used, and abused. However, sorry is a common knee-jerk response in both victims and survivors. Here are the best substitutes for “sorry” that worked for me and helped me take back my power.

You will learn the correct responses so that you will no longer set  yourself up for people to take advantage of you.

After learning about all these replacement responses, you will respond to bullies and abusers who demand undeserved apologies with strength instead of weakness. Moreover, you will feel better about yourself knowing that you didn’t allow them to use guilt trips to control you.

This post is all about what to say instead of sorry so that you can respond to your bullies with strength and power instead of weakness and timidity.

What to say instead of sorry

A heartfelt apology shows bravery and great strength of character. It takes a person with integrity to apologize for any wrongdoing because few people will admit when they are “wrong.”

However, no matter how sincere or genuine, an apology or admission can also be taken as a sign of weakness in the presence of bullies or anyone who lacks integrity. We all live a life based on trial and error.

In fact, put another way, life is trial and error, and to grow and mature as a person, one must own his/her mistakes and wrongdoings.

Therefore, admitting mistakes and giving a well-deserved “I’m sorry” to someone we have transgressed against is a sign of honor and integrity. Only not to those who lack those qualities!

Yes, you should have an open mind. You should be empathetic, generous, and kind, but only in the presence of and to the people who reciprocate the same toward you. On the other hand, in the presence of bullies, extending those virtues is next to impossible and can be downright dangerous!

In other words, when you’re a target of bullying, it’s too easy to get into the bad habit of over-apologizing. And you do it emphatically, even when an apology isn’t necessary, to appease the abuser and avoid being harmed.

Why Should We Replace the word sorry when responding to a bully?

Because a bully will take your heartfelt apology, turn it against you, and steamroll you with it!

Furthermore, they will only take it as further evidence that he’s right, or worse- that you are a terrible person, clumsy, ignorant, take your pick. Your apology or admission will only serve bullies’ plans to assert control over you and keep it.

To a bully without a conscience, “I’m sorry,” only looks like a waving white flag of surrender. Therefore, you must make sure that you’re in a safe environment before extending one. Here are a few examples:

Victim: “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

Bully: “Damn right, you were wrong! Oh, you’re sorry, alright- a sorry sack of crap!

Victim: “Hey! What’s your problem? I just apologized!”

Bully: “Screw your apology! Your apology means nothing! You only apologize to cover your own butt and keep people off your back!”

When you don’t know what to say instead of sorry, this is the kind of response you should expect from a bully.

Therefore, you must find a more powerful response to use because bullies only understand strength and power. They don’t comprehend good personality traits like politeness, honesty, or kindness because they don’t have them.

Therefore, here’s what to say instead of sorry.

Before we go into the correct responses, let me start by stressing that your substitute should be more indirect with bullies because a direct apology will only make you seem weak to a bully and assure her that she has power over you! Here are a few examples of indirect apologies, and they’re what has worked for me:

1. Oh, relax! You’ll be alright.

This response shows that you acknowledge your bully’s anger, not that you should. After all, the person is a bully and doesn’t deserve a thought from you.

However, if you’re trying to kick the habit of over-apologizing, this is good response because you respond without taking any blame. You also make it apparent that your bully is the one who’s having the issue. Why? Because you make it seem like they’re overreacting. And, the truth is, they are.

2. You’ll forget all about this by the end of the day.

This is also a powerful response in that you know that your bullies are overreacting and, therefore, don’t see it as such a big deal. Again, in saying this, you respond with strength instead of weakness.

3. You’ll get over it.

This may seem callous, unfeeling, and cold. However, remember that these people are bullies and, after the way they treat you and probably many others, they shouldn’t get your consideration. Also, this response also allows you to express empathy without accepting blame.

4. It’s no big deal.

This is a powerful response because it lets the bullies know that you aren’t phased by their overreactions and that you refuse to apologize unnecessarily. Therefore, you don’t look like such an easy target after all.

5. This isn’t a crisis. Everything’s going to be okay.

Here’s a response that also works because you’re exposing the bullies’ overreactions and bringing attention to them while keeping your personal power.

Again, always remember that bullies lack integrity and a conscience. Any of the two shown in the presence of those who don’t have it will be shot down. Apologize, yes! But do it without taking any blame. Do it with POWER!

along with knowing what to say instead of sorry, you should also practice these things.

I’ve mentioned the actions below in an earlier post but they bear repeating.

The moment you catch yourself about to apologize needlessly, step back and asses the situation.

In other words, when you catch yourself about to say “sorry.” Stop for a moment and assess the situation and the person you’re apologizing to. This is how you find out whether or not you should say, “I’m sorry.”

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Doesn’t this warrant an apology?
  • Is this person someone I need to apologize to?
  • Is this my fault?
  • Did I have any control over this?
  • Am I responsible for someone else’s behavior other than my own?

If the answers are no, then save your apology for a person who deserves it and a situation that warrants it.

Knowing What to say instead of sorry also means Figuring out which people cause you to feel like you must say “sorry” for everything.

In other words, step back and notice who always intimidates you to overdo the sorries. This is also how you must train yourself not to apologize when there’s no need to.

Moreover, pay attention to the arising circumstances and context that cause this knee-jerk reaction in you.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do these people bully and abuse me?
  • Do they gaslight you when you defend yourself or when you assert your needs and wants?
  • Do they yell at you or insult or ridicule you when you are having fun and just being yourself?
  • Do they bully you more intensely when you express your own thoughts and opinions?
  • Do they punish you for feeling angry or sad emotions?
  • Do they ridicule me for asking for help?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you don’t have to apologize. So, don’t!

I can’t stress this enough. When you overdo the apologies, you are wondering into people pleasing territory. If they mistreat you on a regular basis, you don’t owe them anything, much less any “I’m sorry.”

Therefore, don’t weaken yourself in the eyes of predatory people. Don’t set yourself up to become the victim of people who wish to take advantage of you for their own selfish and sick pleasure and gain.

Why? Because if you unnecessarily apologize to bullies, you’re apologizing for simply existing and taking up space.

Furthermore, when you over apologize, you often do it out of guilt and shame that is unnecessary. Also, it could be from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and insecurity. In cases such as this, apologies can become compulsive.

Stop making needless apologies. Unnecessary Ones include:

  • Apologies for asking for help.
  • An apology when someone runs into you and nearly knocks you down
  • An apology when you take a while to respond to a client or loved one because you were busy with other commitments.
  • An apology when you can’t go on a date with your boy/girlfriend because you have a sick family member who’s in the hospital.
  • Apologies for making time for you.
  • Apologies for saying no when you need to.
  • Apologies for walking away from toxic people.

Therefore, understand that in those circumstances, you are not inconveniencing anyone and you are not being a bother. Know that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

This post was all about what to say instead of sorry to help you to quickly respond with strength anytime someone demand an apology that isn’t warranted.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

5. Knowing Yourself: Why it’s the First Step in Building Confidence

Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

10 Comments

Do you want to know about the over apologizing trauma response and ways to overcome it? Here are the best ways of overcoming these knee-jerk and often unnecessary apologies that every target of bullying needs to know.

over apologizing trauma response

The over apologizing trauma response, although not a wise response, is all too common in people who suffer abuse or have suffered it in the past. It’s a learned response that survivors of bullying and abuse have learned. Hence the term, over apologizing trauma response.

You are going to learn all about the over apologizing trauma response, why you’re so quick to do it, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can take back your personal power.

After you learn this very important information, you will know when you should say sorry and when you don’t need to. Moreover, you will learn what triggers you to express needless remorse and what you can do to break this self-defeating habit once and for all.

This post is all about the over apologizing trauma response, what triggers you to give one, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can end the cycle of bullying that you endure.

The Over Apologizing Trauma Response

Before we get into the possible triggers of apologizing too much and how to drop this bad-for-you habit, let’s first discuss a little history and the good side to telling someone that you’re sorry.

From the time we’re toddlers, the adults in our lives teach us to apologize when we’ve done something wrong to another person.

When something warrants an apology, it’s actually a good thing for you to give one when you have trespassed against another person. A sincere apology to someone you’ve hurt shows good character and integrity.

Moreover, it brings about healing and reopens the lines of communication between yourself and those you’ve wronged. Also, it helps the other person to heal and thus begins to restore the broken relationship, be they familial, romantic, or friend.

However, too much of a good thing is never good because it can backfire when you overdo it.

All too often, victims of bullying apologize way too much after others have bullied and abused them for so long. Understand that this is a trauma response. In other words, it is a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of danger and that danger is further bullying and abuse.

In other words, people who’ve suffered chronic bullying or abuse many overdo the apologies as a way to avoid conflicts or to preserve their personal safety. They may say “I’m sorry,” before they even have time to think about it. It’s an automatic response.

I want you to understand this right now. If you’re a target of bullying and you have picked up the habit of over apologizing, it’s not your fault.

A means of survival

Know that you are not a bad person for it. The over apologizing trauma response is one you’ve learned over the years as a means of survival.

When people target you for bullying and abuse, they usually blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong in your life and in theirs. This is a form of gaslighting.

Moreover, your bullies and abusers often force you to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with or occurrences that were beyond your control.

As a result, this is why you’ve been programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. Therefore, you’ve gotten into the self-defeating habit of apologizing, thinking that it will protect you from further abuse.

It’s only knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear. They are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave you alone.

But, understand that bullies will only see your unnecessary apologies as weakness. Why? Because you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

And when you give bullies apologies that are undeserved, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior. Furthermore, you’re giving your bullies exactly what they want and they know it.

But How do You OVercome the Over Apologizing Trauma Response?

1. Identify the triggers that cause you to give knee-jerk apologies.

This is difficult at first. However, if you practice, it will get easier the more you do it. Realize that knee-jerk apologies, or trauma response apologies are given out of fear for one’s safety and to keep away danger.

Therefore, figure out what frightened you enough to want to apologize.

Did the person yell at you out of anger when they overheard you talking about the scholarship your son won (jealousy)? Know that you don’t have to apologize for it because you aren’t responsible for their feelings or their behavior.

Did they pause and give you a threatening glare when you walked into the public restroom (contempt, hatred)? Understand that there’s no need for an apology. You have just as much right to use the restroom as anyone else.

Did the person accuse you of being full-of-yourself when you know that you aren’t? Don’t be sorry for that. The person probably mistakes your confidence for arrogance. Or, they could be envious of your confidence.

2. The Moment You Catch Yourself About to Apologize, stop and Assess.

Therefore, when you catch yourself about to say “sorry.” Stop for a moment and assess the situation and the person you’re apologizing to. This is how you find out whether or not you should apologize.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Doesn’t this warrant an apology?
  • Is this person someone I need to apologize to?
  • Is this my fault?
  • Did I have any control over this?
  • Am I responsible for someone else’s behavior other than my own?

If the answers are no, then save your apology for a person who deserves it and a situation that warrants it.

3. overcoming the over apologizing trauma response:

Figure out who the people are who cause you to feel like you must over apologize.

In other words, step back and notice who always intimidates you to overdo the sorries. This is also how you must train yourself not to apologize when there’s no need to.

Moreover, pay attention to the arising circumstances and context that cause this knee-jerk reaction in you.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do these people bully and abuse me?
  • Do they gaslight you when you defend yourself or when you assert your needs and wants?
  • Do they yell at you or insult or ridicule you when you are having fun and just being yourself?
  • Do they bully you more intensely when you express your own thoughts and opinions?
  • Do they punish you for feeling angry or sad emotions?
  • Do they ridicule me for asking for help?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you don’t have to apologize. So, don’t!

I can’t stress this enough. When you overdo the apologies, you are wondering into people pleasing territory. Also, your apologies will eventually lose their meaning when used too much for long enough.

Moreover, they can weaken you in the eyes of predatory people. You will become the victim of people who wish to take advantage of you for their own selfish and sick pleasure and gain.

Why? Because you’re sorry for simply existing and taking up space.

Furthermore, when you over apologize, you often do it out of guilt and shame that is unnecessary. Also, it could be from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and insecurity. In cases such as this, apologies can become compulsive.

4. Don’t beat yourself up for your over apologizing trauma response.

Don’t feel like a failure if you catch yourself apologizing without pausing to think about what it is you’re doing it for. Realize that your compulsion to apologize is a habit you’ve probably developed over the course of many years. Therefore, don’t expect to be able to drop this habit overnight.

The trick is to work at becoming more aware of when an apology is appropriate and when it isn’t. And, more importantly, allow yourself to progress slowly. Never try to rush through this learning process.

Know that it’s okay to make mistakes because you will slip up every now and again. That’s all a part of the process of dropping bad habits.

However, the longer you work at this, the slip ups will come less and less frequently as time passes.

5. Get therapy.

Therapists can give you coping strategies that help you overcome the guilt of skipping an unnecessary apology. So, don’t be ashamed to turn to a therapist if you need one.

6. Read self-help books on the subject of over apologizing.

Many self-help books are available to order and they will successfully guide you. These books are great tools to help you learn when and why an apology isn’t needed.

Moreover, they can teach you, step-by-step, on how to discern whether or not you need to say “sorry.”

7. Respond Accordingly.

If a bully or abuser is trying to force you to apologize for something you know isn’t your fault, is beyond your control, or something that doesn’t need an apology, these are powerful responses.

  • You’ll get over it.
  • You’ll be alright.
  • By the end of the day, this won’t even matter.
  • It’s no big deal.
  • This isn’t a crisis. Everything’s going to be okay.

8. Identify the things you should never apologize for

  • Apologies for asking for help.
  • An apology when someone runs into you and nearly knocks you down
  • An apology when you take a while to respond to a client or loved one because you were busy with other commitments.
  • An apology when you can’t go on a date with your boy/girlfriend because you have a sick family member who’s in the hospital.
  • Apologies for making time for you.
  • Apologies for saying no when you need to.
  • Apologies for walking away from toxic people.

Therefore, understand that in those circumstances, you are not inconveniencing anyone and you are not being a bother. Know that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

9. Make positive affirmations

  • “I am good enough.”
  • “I am just as good as anyone else.”
  • “I have a right not to apologize when one isn’t warranted.

Making affirmations may feel weird at first. However, if done everyday or every time you think about it, the weirdness will subside after a while and you’ll slowly build your confidence.

Avoiding the urge to apologize unnecessarily can be difficult at first and it will feel weird. However, saving your apologies for situations that warrant them will help you to become less a target. It will also make you comfortable with being more authentic. More importantly, it will empower you in ways you never thought possible.

This post was all about the over apologizing trauma response and how to overcome it so that you can feel more confident and reclaim your autonomy and your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

No Apology Necessary: 8 Things You Should Never Apologize For

14 Comments

Do you want to know how to spot moments when there’s no apology necessary? Here are the times to never say sorry that every target of bullying should know.

no apology necessary

Apologizing for something that doesn’t warrant an apology sets you up for victimization. Why? Because bullies, gaslighters, and abusers will notice it and take full advantage. As someone who’s been there, I’m giving you the things you should never apologize for.

Therefore, you will learn when there’s no apology necessary by knowing exactly what you should never be sorry for.

Once you learn when there’s no apology necessary, you will be better able to counter any bullying or gaslighting that comes your way. Moreover, you will easily shake off any guilt trips your bullies try to put you on.

This post is all about discerning when there’s no apology necessary by learning what to never apologize for.

No apology necessary

Before we get into when not to apologize and what doesn’t warrant an apology, let’s talk about over-apologizing. Also, we’ll go over who is likely to apologize too much, why they do it, and the psychological effects they suffer from it.

Sadly, bullies and abusers program their victims and targets into thinking they should apologize for everything. In other words, evil people try to force their prey to say they’re sorry for things they need not be sorry for. Moreover, bullies coerce victims through threats and trickery.

Understand that the needless apologies targets of bullying give are survival mechanisms. They over apologize in hope that the bullies will be appeased and back off from harming them.

I completely understand and will never fault them for that. As a matter of fact, I’ve been exactly where they are. These victims are only doing what they feel they must do to protect themselves. So, again, this isn’t necessarily their fault.

However, their apologies, in most cases, don’t work and can make the bullying worse.

Also, if targets aren’t careful, they can unwittingly allow themselves to be programmed to over apologize even after the bullying threat has passed. In other words, over-apologizing will become a habit… an automatic response any time they perceive a threat.

As a result, this will only attract more bullies, more abusers, and more abuse.

Let’s delve deeper by describing what happens in the bullied brain. When others bully, abuse, and make you unnecessarily apologize, you develop new neural pathways after so long.

Moreover, these new neural pathways slowly rewire us to become subservient. And the lines between what we should and shouldn’t apologize for become blurred.

So, when is no apology necessary and what are the things you should never apologize for?

1.Your very existence.

You have just as much a right to be here as the next person. Never ever apologize for being in this world. However, understand that there will be those who feel that you don’t have a right to be here and everybody has those people.

Remember that The Lord put you here for a great purpose. You have your space to fill, and you have every right to carve it out.

 2. Setting boundaries.

As human beings, we all have unalienable rights endowed by God, one of which is to stand up for those rights. If someone is violating you in any way, you must set boundaries.

You must call them out and make it absolutely clear to them that what they’re doing is wrong. Also, you must let these people know under no uncertain terms that you will not put up with their abuse.

Your boundaries are like an invisible force field that you place around yourself both physically, emotionally, and psychologically. The boundaries you set are what protect you from anyone wanting to disrupt your mental and physical well-being.

Remember that you have a right to personal safety. In other words, you have a right not to be harmed by anyone. You have a right to be drama-free and to live in peace.

Therefore, never be sorry for doing what you must do to protect your peace.

3. No apology necessary for Defending yourself and your loved ones.

This is a part of setting boundaries. If someone is harming you and your loved ones, you have every right to defend yourself and them.

A while back, media outlets were implying that if people of European descent defended themselves against home invasions, robberies, physical harm, and murder; it was wrong because they considered it “white privilege.”

 Ahem! No! What this is, is a human right. I

It is a right to protect yourself and loved ones against any threat to yours and their safety. Furthermore, it is human survival and self-preservation.

Everyone has a right to protect themselves from harm, no matter their race or skin color! And you should never feel guilty for defending your right not to be harmed.

Never! You have a God-given right to save your own life! God gave you a brain. Use it!

4. Walking away from drama.

Bullies, abusers, gossips, backstabbers, and troublemakers are people who bring us unnecessary drama. Life’s too short for it.

Anyone who brings you drama doesn’t deserve to be around you. To break it down, they don’t deserve to be in your space, or in your life. Period.

However, when you put your hand up to your bullies, turn your back, and walk away, many of them will try to guilt you for that choice. But, see it for what it is.

The reason bullies guilt you or ridicule you when you walk away and refuse to refuse to their utter buffoonery is because they want to control you.

Again, it’s all about control. And how they control you is to manipulate you into a reaction. Don’t react.

Stay above their pettiness and stupidity. It preserves your peace and drives them up the wall.

Above all, know that you have every right to get up and walk away. Never allow anyone to make you feel guilty for that.

5. no apology necessary for Your successes and accomplishments.

When you’ve worked hard and finally achieved hit a milestone or accomplished a goal, you have a right to be happy about it. Also, anytime you score a win, you have a right to the rewards that come with it.

Moreover, you have a right to enjoy and celebrate the fruits of your labor and your successes.

Many times, jealous, insecure, and resentful people will attempt to make you feel guilty for being successful. Don’t fall for that garbage!

This is not to say that you should let it go to your head and be arrogant. And you shouldn’t let it affect how you treat others.

However, do be pleased about your success, whatever it may be. You have that right.

6. Being who you are.

You are beautifully and wonderfully unique. There is no one else in this world like you nor will there ever be.

Understand that the original is worth so much more than a copy. Don’t be peer-pressured into cheapening yourself by becoming just another copy of someone else

Realize that you will have those in your life, whether at school, work, in the community or in your family who will not like seeing you comfortable in your own skin. There will be people who will hate anyone who has the courage to be themselves and do it fearlessly.

Why? Because you have something they don’t have. And that is the courage to be yourself and the peace of knowing who you are and of loving and accepting yourself. You must realize that fake people become madly jealous when they notice these qualities in another person.

Therefore, let no one make you feel guilty for being who you are- an original!

7. Your happiness.

Happiness comes from within. You, as much as anyone else, deserve your joy. If you’ve done the inner work and found purpose in your life, let no one demand that you apologize for it.

All the while, be forewarned that there will be those who resent your happiness because they’re not happy themselves.

Moreover, they will accuse you of being too full of yourself. They will call you arrogant and overly-confident. Again, stay above these people because they are miserable and want you to be miserable with them.

8. Your lifestyle.

Unless you’re a criminal and your lifestyle is about causing others pain, never apologize for the way you live.

Ways of living that are unapologetic include well-earned affluence, poverty that you can do nothing about, being a single parent, etc. When it comes to these things, people really need to mind their own business.

Furthermore, you have a right to tell them just that if they have the audacity to judge your lifestyle.

To protect your self-esteem and confidence from bullies, abusers, you must be clear on what needs an apology and what doesn’t. Also, you must know who you are and what you will not accept or tolerate from other people.

With this knowledge, you have a powerful weapon with which to preserve your self-esteem and, thus, your personal power and your life.

this post was all about when to decide when there’s no apology necessary to help you raise your self-esteem, Feel better about yourself, and either preserve or reclaim your personal power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

5. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

9 Comments

Did you know that there are times when you don’t have to explain yourself? Do you want to know the 5 reasons you shouldn’t and under which circumstances?

you don't have to explain yourself

A sad part of people targeting you for bullying is that they will force you to take responsibility for things you can’t control, like their horrid behavior. Also, chances are good that you’re doing all the research on how to gather the courage to refuse to answer to your bullies.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Sure, people have told you this time and time again. But how do you gather the courage to refuse? You learn, most likely, the hard way, that your bullies are only trying to strip you of your personal power.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn the reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself to your bullies.

After you learn not to answer to these people, you will finally be your own hero. Also, you will take back your personal power and live in peace.

This post is all about the steps and mindsets to get to a place to where you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. These are things that every target of bullying should learn.

You Don’t have to Explain Yourself

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. There are reasons bullies accuse and attack you. Also, there are reasons why you don’t owe them any explanations.

1. Bullies project on you. They accuse you of the same things they are guilty of.

The reason they do this is to make you look like the guilty man. And when you try to explain yourself to them and swear up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong, your bullies will twist it to make it look as if you’re the one trying to cover your own behind.

For example, when you stand up for yourself, they will accuse you of being rude and disrespectful. However, realize that your bullies will only do this to gaslight you and make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

Don’t fall for it. Simply call out their gaslighting and tell them to step off. Or,  you could just put your hand up and walk away.

However, in most cases, your best recourse is to not try so hard to convince anyone of anything. Let people believe what they want, then let that help you decide who you should cut out of your life for good.

For the love of Pete! If the people who take your bullies word over yours are those you thought were your friends, show those people the door. Fast!

Look at it this way. These people aren’t really your friends and they don’t deserve the privilege of your presence, let alone your friendship! Stop keeping company with people who aren’t worth your time.

Understand that when you rid yourself of fake friends, you automatically make room for true friends to come into your life. And believe me, they will. You might have to wait a while but better people will show up in your life.

2. Another Reason Why You don’t have to explain yourself: Some people Will Try to Bait you

Moreover, the reason they bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. These psychological payoffs are satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

To break it down, while you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince your bullies that you aren’t guilty of whatever they’re accusing you of, they’re mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the back.

They’re proud of themselves over how easily they’ve gotten you to react. Also, they’re getting a high on how easily they can scare you, make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one.

3. Explanations are usually a waste of time and energy

Why? For three reasons:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that most people only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong.

Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Sometimes it’s just better to let them all know up front that you don’t owe them any explanations. Then, end the confrontation by telling them all to piss off before turning your back on them and walking away.

4. If nothing else, know this! Your bullies and abusers already know you’re innocent of their accusations.

In other words, all the mind games they play with you are deliberate!

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, they’re doing it to make a big show. Have you noticed that toxic people usually loudly accuse you of something in front of an audience?

Again, these people already know you’re innocent. They’re only doing it for show and to achieve nefarious ends.

They are, more than likely, fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression they accuse you of. So, you must realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react.

And why would they stop? You’ve probably been giving them that rush of power all along. And your bullies are addicted to it.

Understand that the power rush always wears off quickly. Therefore, your bullies will only crave another rush soon and come back for more. Power is something bullies can’t get enough of.

5. even if you produce evidence to prove your point, you will have to work to gather that evidence.

Do you really want to work that hard all your life? Here’s another hard fact about bullies:

They get their thrills just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself. Therefore, stop trying so hard to prove yourself to people who don’t (or shouldn’t) matter.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to people who have no bearing on my life. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t sign my paychecks, and they aren’t my spouse or my parents. These people have no say over any part of my life.

4. Are they even up to my level?

5. Do they bring anything positive and worthwhile to my life?

Once you ask these questions, you will know the answers. Moreover, you’ll realize that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death.

It’s difficult not to began rattling off in nervousness, when you just want them to go away and leave you in peace. But trust me, they won’t! Remember, bullies and abusers always come back for more!

This bears repeating. It won’t make things better. If anything, the harassment will only get worse because your reaction will only make you an even bigger and easier target.

Here’s what Will Happen Once You Realize what Your Bullies are Doing

 Once you realize what your bullies are doing and where it all comes from, you will began to get bored with them.  Also, you will blow the bullies off with a “whatever,” and walk away because their mind games will no longer affect you.

Therefore, you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails. Moreover, you won’t be any fun to them anymore.

The day will then come when your bullies will finally leave you alone and find some one else to toy around with.

This is why you must do whatever is necessary to take back your personal power and your life. Stop thinking you have to explain yourself to people who could care less anyway. Since when do you owe thing a damn thing?

Know that you deserve so much better. Command the respect you deserve. Also command better treatment. And if that means you walk away and sever ties with toxic people, then, so be it.

Therefore, know that you can do better than them.

This post is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. Its purpose was to help you lift yourself out of victimhood and reclaim your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying

16 Comments

Do you want to know how to bully proof yourself and go from victim to victor? Here are the tried and true do’s and don’ts you need to know about.

bully proof

There’s no better feeling then succeeding in making yourself bully proof. If people are targeting you for bullying, you’re probably wondering how you can go about doing it. As one who has been right where you are, I’m giving you the do’s and don’ts that will help make you resistant to bullies.

You will learn exactly what to do and what to avoid doing to bully proof yourself.

After you learn these unwritten rules, you are going to be emotionally resistant to any verbal and psychological attack bullies may throw at you.

This post is all about how to bully proof yourself to help you take back your peace, your autonomy, and your life.

Bully Proof

When targets endure continuous onslaughts of bullying, slow and subtle changes will happen over time. Moreover, they may or may not even be aware of these negative changes until the bullying has gotten out of control. These changes will happen in their self-esteem personalities and body language.

These transformations, although normal when dealing with any type of abuse, can bring about even more bullying and abuse.

Remember that bullies feed off the target’s low self-esteem and once they get even the slightest hint that you’re victim material, the bullying will become a pattern.

However, here’s the good news.

If you are one of those who bullies target for bullying and abuse, you don’t have to allow this to happen in your life. You have more control over your circumstances than you think you do.

Therefore, how you bully proof yourself is to never do these 7 things:

1. go on the Defensive nor explain yourself.

Any time you defend or explain yourself to a bully, you appear weak to them. Why? Because in your defense or explanation, the hidden subtext is that you feel you must answer to your bully. Consequently, you only give away your power.

Moreover, bullies don’t care what your reasons are. The only reason they blame or accuse you is to bait you into explaining yourself.

Understand that your bullies are looking for a psychological payoff. And the psychological payoffs, are satisfaction, gratification and a massive rush of power.

In other words, you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince the bully that you aren’t guilty of whatever it is that they’re accusing you of.

As a result, the bullies are mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the backs over how easily they’ve got you to react, how easily they can scare you and make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

To bully proof yourself, think about these 3 extra points:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that bullies only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Any facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong. Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, deep inside, they already know you’re innocent.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one. In fact, you do not owe anyone an explanation, nor must you go on the defense unless they are your parents, spouse, or boss.

2. To bully Proof yourself, never Apologize for anything.

This is not to say that apologizing for a wrong isn’t the right thing to do, because it is. If you know you wronged someone and that someone isn’t a bully, an apology is then necessary.

However, when people target  you for bullying, they often force you to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with or that were beyond your control.

So, you get into the self-defeating habit of apologizing, thinking that it will protect you from further abuse. But even if it does save you from being brutalized, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

There’s a time to apologize and a time not to.

Here’s one thing you must know right now! A bully does not deserve your apology.

Moreover, bullies see any apology you give as weakness, subjugation, or a way of begging not to be hurt. And they will only use it against you.

In other words, giving any apology in front of bullies automatically puts you in a position of weakness and a bully will only take advantage of it.

If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to understand that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give bullies apologies that are undeserved, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

Therefore, you must reserve your apologies for situations that warrant them and people who truly deserve them.

Here are a few responses you should give to bullies in lieu of apologies:

1. You’ll get over it.

2. Relax. You’ll be alright.

3. Don’t worry. You’ll forget all about this by the end of the day.

These are examples of how you should respond to bullies when they demand an apology or even signal that they want one.

3. Hit the bully first (that is, unless they’re in your face).

Bullies will deliberately provoke you to bait you into hitting them first. They do this because they either want an excuse to fight you or they want to get you in trouble with a teacher, a supervisor, or police.

However, an exception can be made when they get in your face. Why? Because when they get that close, it usually means that they’re about to physically attack you.

Only then should you hit the bully first to protect yourself. In times like this, offense is the best defense. And by all means, defend yourself if the bully tries to attack you.

4. to become bully proof, you must never People-please.

Bullies and their followers only see this as butt-kissing and trying to win approval. Again, they get a thrill out of seeing you bend knee to everyone, and they will use it to their advantage.

Furthermore, bullies will often dangle carrots of acceptance and friendship in front of you, only to pull it back when you reach for it.

Never subject yourself to these kinds of mind games. Or, to put it bluntly, don’t be a simp for approval. This kind of behavior is pathetic and it’s beneath you.

5. Do Not Stay silent.

Bullies and any type of abusers thrive on your silence.

Therefore, when you stay mum about the abuse they subject you to, it will only give them a green light to continue and escalate the abuse.

Instead of being quiet about it, report it. The bullies may retaliate, and authorities may not believe you, but you’ve said your piece, and the word is still out.

They may not listen to you, but they can never unhear you. Always remember that.

6. Don’t Go where the bullies gather.

Going to or passing through the places you know your bullies hang out is asking for trouble. Therefore, the best thing to do is to avoid those places if you want to keep yourself safe.

7. Never Slouch or look down.

Slouching and looking down only signals low self-esteem, submission, and intimidation. These are signals you never want to give off in the presence of bullies and abusers.

Remember that bullies are like a pack of wolves, and a pack of wolves will only attack the weakest member of a herd of elk.

Again, bullies are the same way. If they perceive even a whiff of weakness, they will prey on it.

Therefore, to avoid looking like bully bait, do the exact opposite of these things. Always be and appear confident!

One thing I should also mention: Never isolate yourself because you only cut yourself off from support. Moreover, you only play into your bullies hands because it’s exactly what they want!

Here’s a quick summary:

  • A bully is the last person you must answer to. Put simpler, never explain, apologize to, or go on the defense with bullies. You owe them nothing!
  • Instead of apologizing to bullies, say, “you’ll get over it.” It’s the perfect alternative to apology.
  • Stay calm when a bully provokes you. Let them get in your face before you decide to hit them first. And if they hit you first, hit them back. This is not assault, it’s self-defense.
  • Never people-please. Put yourself first and do the things you want to do, not what others want you to do.
  • Instead of staying quiet, speak out about any abuse you suffer and call out your abuser. Understand that when someone violates your boundaries, whether they be physical or psychological, you have every right to talk about it.
  • Avoid the places bullies gather. Instead of passing through their hangout spot or neighborhood on your way to school or work, find a different route and take it. And if the bullies demand that you meet them somewhere to fight, object and don’t go!
  • Stand up straight instead of slouching. Also, keep your head up and look ahead instead of lowering your head and looking down.

This post was all about ways to bully proof yourself so that you can take back your peace and live drama-free.

In the related posts below, you will find many other ways you can bully proof yourself.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

dreamstime s 85277136

Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

15 Comments

‘Want to know what happens when you begin asserting boundaries? Here are both the pros and cons when you establish your boundaries.

asserting boundaries

Asserting boundaries is so important and if you’re anything like I was at one time, too scared to do it. Then you’re probably wondering what it is that encourages others to stand up for themselves.

As someone who has overcome the fear of establishing personal limits, I’m giving you all the reasons why you should. Also, I’m warning you of all that happens if you don’t.

You will learn about the importance of asserting boundaries. Moreover, you’re going to learn about the positive and negative results of doing do.

Once you learn about all these things, you will be more encouraged and motivated to assert your rights not to be abused. Also, you will be more emboldened to stand your ground for as long as it takes until you are finally free of bullies and abusers.

This post is all about asserting boundaries so that you can take back your personal power and live in peace and happiness.

Asserting boundaries

Here’s how the pros outweigh the cons:

People will accuse you of having “An Attitude”

Many times, when you begin to set boundaries and refuse to lower your standards, others, especially abusive others, will accuse you of having “an attitude.” This is what will happen once you finally take enough abuse and put your foot down and you should expect it.

Understand you will get that response when you either say no to something you don’t like. Moreover, people will give you the same response any time you refuse to be manipulated or to take abuse.

Therefore, it’s better to accept, even embrace, the reality that others will see you as having an attitude when you stand on your principles.

For example, toxic teachers will call you insubordinate. Abusive managers and supervisors will tell you that you’re not a team player. Also, bullying peers will see you as a ‘difficult’ person to be around, and that’s only a very mild version of what they may call you.

Asserting boundaries helps you separate real friends from the fakes.

Understand that anytime you enforce your boundaries and standards, you threaten the power of your bullies and abusers. Furthermore, you expose the manipulative people in your life through the limits you set.

Therefore, you see them more clearly. Why? Because you force them to tell off on themselves through their reactions.

Through having boundaries and standards, you can better tell the difference between real friends and fake ones. In other words, you can better see which people are truly for you and value your friendship. You find out which ones are only in your life because they want something from you. This is one of the most important pros!

bullies and abusers feel they have carte blanche to abuse you

Like all abusers, bullies feel entitled to devalue you and expect you to “just go with the flow” and not object to it. With these types of people, your healthy boundaries and standards are an insult to them. Why? Because they don’t recognize limits.

In their minds, anything goes, and the world and everything in it is one big free-for-all. In other words, any rules, laws, or limits don’t apply to them.

Bullies and frenemies believe they should have carte blanche to treat you any way they choose. They get super offended when you get enough of their abuse and finally have the courage to put your foot down.

Accept that you will lose people you think are friends when you establish boundaries and standards. And they will often be the people you’d never expect.

But realize that these peoples’ condescension and dismissal are only proof of their discomfort and their only recourse. Bullies can’t handle an assertive person of incredible strength because they can never meet them on their level. These are only a few of the cons.

setting limits allows you growth, safety, and freedom

Also, understand that you cannot grow, be safe, or be free if you don’t set boundaries. In many cases, people go out of their way to prevent targets of bullying from imposing any limits.

It seems that boundaries and standards are okay for anyone else but strictly prohibited for targets.

But realize that you cannot continue to live your life as a doormat. Therefore,  you must dig deep and pull out the courage to establish your boundaries, which include,

Physical boundaries

Psychological boundaries

Time boundaries

Material boundaries

Intellectual boundaries

Sometimes you must “Cop an Attitude” to defend your rights.

You are a flesh-and-blood human being who has rights! And sometimes, you must “cop an attitude” to defend those rights.

You must enforce your boundaries from relentless bullies and others who won’t take no for an answer. Also, you must set consequences for those who continue to violate your boundaries after you’ve told them to stop it.

When you set firm boundaries and standards and enforce them, you protect your physical well-being, emotional health, self-esteem, and identity from anyone who seeks to destroy them.

Moreover, you make yourself an individual human being who asserts your right to make your own choices and decisions.

Your boundaries and standards are the invisible fortresses surrounding you with protection. They keep you safe from harm.

When you set boundaries, it means that you don’t allow others to take advantage of you. It also means that you refuse to be a pushover.

In other words, you won’t let other people make you do things that aren’t in line with your goals, values, morals, or convictions. In short, you don’t allow others to manipulate you.

And it requires that you call out anyone who tries to stick so much as a toe over those boundaries.

Be Assertive but not aggressive. Be strong but not overbearing.

You’re assertive but not overly aggressive. You’re strong but not overbearing. When you say no, you mean it, and you say it without feeling guilty over not saying yes.

And when you do say yes to others, you can do it without saying no to yourself.

Sadly, it can be hard to set boundaries and standards, especially when dealing with overly-aggressive bullies who have anger issues. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves any way we can- even if it means we must appease these people to ensure our safety.

Many targets have zero boundaries. They feel that to keep bullies from causing further harm, they must always bend over backward to make sure the people around them feel comfortable and at ease. You should never feel you must live this way!

But here’s the positiive side. Assertiveness builds courage and, with it, your self-esteem.

Not asserting boundaries works only temporarily because bullies and abusers always come back for more.

Many targets don’t feel strong enough to keep invaders out of their bubble. And it’s because of this that they feel like they’ve let themselves down because they didn’t stand up to their abusers.

Moreover, they feel like failures when they’re unable to enforce their boundaries and standards. I’ve been there and, let me tell ya! It’s the worst feeling in the world.

I want you to understand that, no matter what others may tell you or how they may act, it’s okay to refuse their disrespect. It’s okay to say no to bullying.

 Know that you owe it to yourself to say stop to those who insist they have the right to cross your boundaries and invade your space. You have every right to disallow others to disrupt your peace. Know that you deserve a seat at the table of life, not one in the corner.

Realize that setting boundaries and standards is not having an“attitude.” It’s your right!

You must accept that toxic people will put up a ton of resistance to any limitations you set in place. Therefore, take this as a given!

The upside is that the resistance you get will give you clues to who your real friends aren’t.

Resistance is soooo telling! It can help you find out who’s really for your good and who isn’t.

It’s never smart to be a yes-person. Caring about others is great but caring too much is unhealthy.

You need boundaries and standards because, without them, you subject yourself to living your life on autopilot. Put simpler, you’re a car without a steering wheel- a ship without a rudder!

But with boundaries, you have a rudder, and you can chart your life’s course. The winds and currents may change, and the waters might get rough. You may even go off course, but you’ll still have some degree of direction.

In setting boundaries and standards, you’re not completely powerless over what happens to you. You have some say over your destiny.

That’s why it’s crucial that you stand in your power and speak your truth. Never lower yourself and make yourself less than the awesome person you are. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Put yourself first. Stop being a people pleaser. Stop putting your wants and needs on the back burner to keep others satisfied. Practice self-love and self-care.

Accept that people won’t handle it well and be willing to let them go because they don’t deserve a seat at your table. Once you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much better life gets and how many people of integrity and sound quality come into your life.

This post was all about pros and cons of asserting boundaries and how doing so can help you take back your personal power and your say in your life’s direction.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

3. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

6. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem: 7 Insanely Easy Ways

31 Comments

Would you like to know how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel good about yourself and take control of your life?

how to overcome low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can drag you down and hold you back from your full potential. Therefore, if you’re wondering how to overcome low self-esteem, then look no further. I’m about to show you easy and powerful ways to do so.

You will learn the best and easiest practices to do so. As a result, you will finally be a pro on how to overcome low self-esteem.

After you learn these simple and highly effective practices, your self-esteem will skyrocket! Your confidence will soar! And you will be ready to take life by the horns and master all your talents and abilities fearlessly.

This post is all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel so much better about yourself and have the confidence to go after your dreams and work on achieving those life-long goals!

Even better, you will have the courage to confidently stand up to bullies and haters that even attempt to try and bring you down.

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem

Overcoming low self-esteem isn’t easy, especially if you have bullies and negative people attacking you from every corner. However, practicing thought habits and daily physical habits to raise your esteem is still so important.

Moreover, it may even feel weird at first. Doing something you’re not used to doing always does. But push through that feeling. Once you practice these new things long enough, they’ll come naturally.

And you’ll be surprised at just how much it will change your life!

Now, without further adieu, here are the ways on how to overcome low self-esteem.

1. Replace Negative Thoughts about Yourself with Those that are Positive

This means catching every negative thought that pops in your mind with a positive thought. However, it won’t be easy and may even feel weird at first, but you must stay on top of it.

Guard your mind and if you catch a negative thought, immediately replace that thought with a positive… without waiting. Also, do it repeatedly until it becomes like second nature.

You’ve heard the quote, “You are what you eat.” So, it goes with your thought processes. You are also what you think.

This is especially important for victims of bullying because they usually start off as confident and outgoing people.

However, after years of bullying and abuse, they become insecure, afraid, and withdrawn. Sometimes, they can turn against themselves.

Negative Thoughts Produce Negative Things!

For example, they began to think that they aren’t worthy of anything good in life. They stop believing in their own good qualities. They no longer think they’ll ever be loved, ever be accepted, or ever be successful and that nothing will ever go right for them.

And before long, things begin to happen that matches their thoughts and feelings. These poor people began to fall out with friends and family, they have back-to-back bad breaks. They finally develop feelings of self-loathing and end up alone, rejected, unsuccessful, and unlucky.

This is why you must realize that your thought patterns determine your outlook (attitude). Your outlook determines your decisions and behavior. Then, your decisions and behavior determine your outcomes.

Your outcomes determine your life and the events that happen in it. All this then re-enforces your outlook or attitude. This becomes a cycle and cycles always repeat themselves.

It’s the Pygmalion Effect at work.

Again, for your own sake, get into the habit of thinking positive. Moreover, put in the inner work to change your thought patterns for the better and you’ll be amazed at how it will completely change your life!

2. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Practice Self-Care

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential! It’s imperative!

Self-care is more than just treating yourself to a soothing soak in the tub, or changing your eating habits and starting an exercise regimen. Yes, all the things I just mentioned are a part of self-care.

However, it can also mean making some heartbreaking decisions, like going no contract with a toxic family member or breaking off a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend with narcissistic personality disorder.

Moreover, you may even be forced to break off a friendship with a jealous bestie.

Believe me, those things are the most difficult to do because we care deeply about these people. However, if they don’t care enough about you to stop abusing you, then, what choice do you have?

You must love and care enough about yourself to walk away from anyone who brings you down and causes you anguish. Life is too short to tolerate abuse. Know that you deserve better.

3. Surround Yourself with Positive and Uplifting People

Many times, your self-esteem levels have so much to do with the company you keep. In other words, if you spend most of your time around people who constantly berate you and bring you down, no wonder your self-esteem is shot to shit!

One thing that few of us think about is that we each are the sum of the types of people we spend the most time with. In other words, if the people you spend most of your time with are negative, then negative is what you become.

On the other hand, the opposite is true also. If you spend most of your time with people who are positive and uplifting, then you will feel and be the same.

So, if you’re the only positive person in the room, you’re in the wrong place! If you’re around people who drain you and make you feel bad, you must find a way to fix it without hanging around and trying to fix them.

You can only fix things by removing yourself from their company.

Know that you always know when you’re with the wrong people because you will immediately sense that something is off anytime you’re around such negative folks. You will feel exhausted just being around them because it will be as if they’re sucking the oxygen out of the room.

Also, you’ll feel yucky because they’re killing your good vibes. Therefore, you must get out of there… fast!

Don’t stifle your own peace, happiness, and, most of all, growth by continuing to hang around. Make it your goal to get away from these people and out of that environment!

4. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Make Positive Affirmations to Yourself

You would be surprised at how effective making  positive affirmations is when it comes to boosting your self-esteem. Therefore, when you make these affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror each morning and make these “I AM” statements.

Here are a few examples of affirmations and “I AM” statements:

I am not to blame for being bullied.

I am lovable.

You can even say,

I am a good person.

I am worthwhile.

There are hundreds of affirmations you can use. These are only a few.

Moreover, if you do this for long enough, you will begin to believe it with every fiber of your being and your life will change for the better.

5. Love and Accept Yourself

This means embracing your flaws as well as your perfections, allowing yourself to make mistakes, and having the courage to be yourself.

If you don’t love yourself, no one else will either. Moreover, you won’t be able to properly love anyone else. Therefore, you’ll be on an endless quest for love and acceptance from others.

Realize that your love only comes from within, not from without.

Completely love and accept yourself. For, it is a stepping stone to happiness. When you accept yourself as you are, quirks and all, and stop being so concerned about how others see you, you experience total freedom. It’s like a huge weight being lifted off of you.

Also, you become much more attractive to people. In fact, you will draw them to you like a magnet!

Moreover, the creeps who are waiting for you to mess up will only get bored, give up and stop watching you. I know this from experience. Self-love and acceptance is such sweet freedom!

6. Stop Caring What Other People Think

Remember. When you care too much about the opinions of others, you become their slave. Therefore, free yourself by not bending over backwards to please others and doing the things you want to do.

Gather the courage to be yourself and realize that there will be a few people who dislike you and yes, even hate you. Moreover, see this as a part of life and embrace it.

This is how you become a powerful force in your own life!

7. Focus On Your Life Goals and Dreams

When you begin working on yourself and focusing on your life goals and dreams, you will be too busy to dwell on the negative opinions of others. Also, you will more than likely succeed at attaining your goals.

This, in itself, is a lesson in how to overcome low self-esteem.

In other words, you must focus on what you want out of life and go after it with a fever and a fervor.

This post was all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can take back control of your life.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

4. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

 

Click here to see Cherie’s Patreon