Tag: false guilt

Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

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Do you want to know about the over apologizing trauma response and ways to overcome it? Here are the best ways of overcoming these knee-jerk and often unnecessary apologies that every target of bullying needs to know.

over apologizing trauma response

The over apologizing trauma response, although not a wise response, is all too common in people who suffer abuse or have suffered it in the past. It’s a learned response that survivors of bullying and abuse have learned. Hence the term, over apologizing trauma response.

You are going to learn all about the over apologizing trauma response, why you’re so quick to do it, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can take back your personal power.

After you learn this very important information, you will know when you should say sorry and when you don’t need to. Moreover, you will learn what triggers you to express needless remorse and what you can do to break this self-defeating habit once and for all.

This post is all about the over apologizing trauma response, what triggers you to give one, and what you can do to overcome it so that you can end the cycle of bullying that you endure.

The Over Apologizing Trauma Response

Before we get into the possible triggers of apologizing too much and how to drop this bad-for-you habit, let’s first discuss a little history and the good side to telling someone that you’re sorry.

From the time we’re toddlers, the adults in our lives teach us to apologize when we’ve done something wrong to another person.

When something warrants an apology, it’s actually a good thing for you to give one when you have trespassed against another person. A sincere apology to someone you’ve hurt shows good character and integrity.

Moreover, it brings about healing and reopens the lines of communication between yourself and those you’ve wronged. Also, it helps the other person to heal and thus begins to restore the broken relationship, be they familial, romantic, or friend.

However, too much of a good thing is never good because it can backfire when you overdo it.

All too often, victims of bullying apologize way too much after others have bullied and abused them for so long. Understand that this is a trauma response. In other words, it is a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of danger and that danger is further bullying and abuse.

In other words, people who’ve suffered chronic bullying or abuse many overdo the apologies as a way to avoid conflicts or to preserve their personal safety. They may say “I’m sorry,” before they even have time to think about it. It’s an automatic response.

I want you to understand this right now. If you’re a target of bullying and you have picked up the habit of over apologizing, it’s not your fault.

A means of survival

Know that you are not a bad person for it. The over apologizing trauma response is one you’ve learned over the years as a means of survival.

When people target you for bullying and abuse, they usually blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong in your life and in theirs. This is a form of gaslighting.

Moreover, your bullies and abusers often force you to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with or occurrences that were beyond your control.

As a result, this is why you’ve been programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. Therefore, you’ve gotten into the self-defeating habit of apologizing, thinking that it will protect you from further abuse.

It’s only knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear. They are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave you alone.

But, understand that bullies will only see your unnecessary apologies as weakness. Why? Because you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault.

And when you give bullies apologies that are undeserved, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior. Furthermore, you’re giving your bullies exactly what they want and they know it.

But How do You OVercome the Over Apologizing Trauma Response?

1. Identify the triggers that cause you to give knee-jerk apologies.

This is difficult at first. However, if you practice, it will get easier the more you do it. Realize that knee-jerk apologies, or trauma response apologies are given out of fear for one’s safety and to keep away danger.

Therefore, figure out what frightened you enough to want to apologize.

Did the person yell at you out of anger when they overheard you talking about the scholarship your son won (jealousy)? Know that you don’t have to apologize for it because you aren’t responsible for their feelings or their behavior.

Did they pause and give you a threatening glare when you walked into the public restroom (contempt, hatred)? Understand that there’s no need for an apology. You have just as much right to use the restroom as anyone else.

Did the person accuse you of being full-of-yourself when you know that you aren’t? Don’t be sorry for that. The person probably mistakes your confidence for arrogance. Or, they could be envious of your confidence.

2. The Moment You Catch Yourself About to Apologize, stop and Assess.

Therefore, when you catch yourself about to say “sorry.” Stop for a moment and assess the situation and the person you’re apologizing to. This is how you find out whether or not you should apologize.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Doesn’t this warrant an apology?
  • Is this person someone I need to apologize to?
  • Is this my fault?
  • Did I have any control over this?
  • Am I responsible for someone else’s behavior other than my own?

If the answers are no, then save your apology for a person who deserves it and a situation that warrants it.

3. overcoming the over apologizing trauma response:

Figure out who the people are who cause you to feel like you must over apologize.

In other words, step back and notice who always intimidates you to overdo the sorries. This is also how you must train yourself not to apologize when there’s no need to.

Moreover, pay attention to the arising circumstances and context that cause this knee-jerk reaction in you.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do these people bully and abuse me?
  • Do they gaslight you when you defend yourself or when you assert your needs and wants?
  • Do they yell at you or insult or ridicule you when you are having fun and just being yourself?
  • Do they bully you more intensely when you express your own thoughts and opinions?
  • Do they punish you for feeling angry or sad emotions?
  • Do they ridicule me for asking for help?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you don’t have to apologize. So, don’t!

I can’t stress this enough. When you overdo the apologies, you are wondering into people pleasing territory. Also, your apologies will eventually lose their meaning when used too much for long enough.

Moreover, they can weaken you in the eyes of predatory people. You will become the victim of people who wish to take advantage of you for their own selfish and sick pleasure and gain.

Why? Because you’re sorry for simply existing and taking up space.

Furthermore, when you over apologize, you often do it out of guilt and shame that is unnecessary. Also, it could be from low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and insecurity. In cases such as this, apologies can become compulsive.

4. Don’t beat yourself up for your over apologizing trauma response.

Don’t feel like a failure if you catch yourself apologizing without pausing to think about what it is you’re doing it for. Realize that your compulsion to apologize is a habit you’ve probably developed over the course of many years. Therefore, don’t expect to be able to drop this habit overnight.

The trick is to work at becoming more aware of when an apology is appropriate and when it isn’t. And, more importantly, allow yourself to progress slowly. Never try to rush through this learning process.

Know that it’s okay to make mistakes because you will slip up every now and again. That’s all a part of the process of dropping bad habits.

However, the longer you work at this, the slip ups will come less and less frequently as time passes.

5. Get therapy.

Therapists can give you coping strategies that help you overcome the guilt of skipping an unnecessary apology. So, don’t be ashamed to turn to a therapist if you need one.

6. Read self-help books on the subject of over apologizing.

Many self-help books are available to order and they will successfully guide you. These books are great tools to help you learn when and why an apology isn’t needed.

Moreover, they can teach you, step-by-step, on how to discern whether or not you need to say “sorry.”

7. Respond Accordingly.

If a bully or abuser is trying to force you to apologize for something you know isn’t your fault, is beyond your control, or something that doesn’t need an apology, these are powerful responses.

  • You’ll get over it.
  • You’ll be alright.
  • By the end of the day, this won’t even matter.
  • It’s no big deal.
  • This isn’t a crisis. Everything’s going to be okay.

8. Identify the things you should never apologize for

  • Apologies for asking for help.
  • An apology when someone runs into you and nearly knocks you down
  • An apology when you take a while to respond to a client or loved one because you were busy with other commitments.
  • An apology when you can’t go on a date with your boy/girlfriend because you have a sick family member who’s in the hospital.
  • Apologies for making time for you.
  • Apologies for saying no when you need to.
  • Apologies for walking away from toxic people.

Therefore, understand that in those circumstances, you are not inconveniencing anyone and you are not being a bother. Know that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

9. Make positive affirmations

  • “I am good enough.”
  • “I am just as good as anyone else.”
  • “I have a right not to apologize when one isn’t warranted.

Making affirmations may feel weird at first. However, if done everyday or every time you think about it, the weirdness will subside after a while and you’ll slowly build your confidence.

Avoiding the urge to apologize unnecessarily can be difficult at first and it will feel weird. However, saving your apologies for situations that warrant them will help you to become less a target. It will also make you comfortable with being more authentic. More importantly, it will empower you in ways you never thought possible.

This post was all about the over apologizing trauma response and how to overcome it so that you can feel more confident and reclaim your autonomy and your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

Conditioning: 5 Signs You’re Being Conditioned

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Al’Want to know the signs of conditioning so that you can protect yourself from it? These are the surefire signs to be aware of.

conditioning

Bullies and abusers have ways of conditioning you without you ever being aware that they’re doing it. In most cases you won’t notice it until it has totally changed you and ruined your life. As someone who has been there and overcome it, I’m giving you the signs you must know to stay safe.

You are going to learn about all the early signs of conditioning so that bullies can no longer play these mind games with you.

After learning about the signs of conditioning, you will be prepared and no longer easy to manipulate.

This post is all about the signs of conditioning that every victim and target of bullying should have knowledge of.

conditioning

What is it? In simplest terms, conditioning happens when others brainwash and train you to believe or accept something you wouldn’t normally believe nor accept. Therefore, unscrupulous people will psychologically condition you to believe many falsehoods and accept all kinds of abuse.

This is how people become brainwashed and extreme evil and terrible abuses get normalized.

Therefore, when you’re a target of bullying, bullies will very deceitfully try to condition you to roll over and take their abuse. Also, they will slyly and slowly, over time, “Pavlov” you to believe any lie they say until finally, they convince you to turn on yourself.

Realize that conditioning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit process that can also be soft and subtle.

In other words, conditioning starts out small and is barely recognizable when it first begins.  It is at this stage when you must know how to recognize it because, the longer it goes on and the bigger the abuses get, the harder it is to defend yourself against it and put a stop to it.

he one thing that will help you to recognize it is that your body will feel it and you’ll sense it in the vibes the people you’re dealing with put out. Pay attention.

So, how do you know your bullies are conditioning you?

Here are the signs:

5 Signs You’re being Conditioned:

You’ll know by the feelings you have.

1. You begin Feeling guilty for defending yourself, speaking out about the bullying you suffer, and reporting the bullying to authority

This most commonly occurs with empaths. However, if you’re an empath and you aren’t careful, you will likely be used and abused by narcissists, bullies, and abusers.

Remember that sometimes you must put your needs first. Also, there will be times when you will need to stand up for yourself.

You have a right not to be abused and you are just as good as the next person. You wouldn’t inflict pain on anyone else and you should never allow others to inflict pain on you either.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential.

Therefore, continue to stand up yourself. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Because, if you don’t,  no one else will either. Remember that you aren’t responsible for their feelings.

In a situation of bullying, all you have is you and your greatest weapon is your voice. Use it! Don’t lose it!

2. Another sign of conditioning is Feeling that the bullying you suffer is all your fault.

Anytime you blame yourself for the bullying you suffer, you can be sure that your bullies have conditioned you. Therefore, understand this right now! It’s not your fault!

You are not responsible for your bullies’ behavior. Their horrid actions are a reflection of their choices, not yours. Moreover, you cannot control the behavior of another person. The only person’s behavior you have control over is your own.

So, when you blame yourself for being bullied, you are taking responsibility for the behavior of others, which are things you have no control over.

Do not allow them to condition you to believe that anything beyond your control is your fault! It isn’t!

3. You start feeling like a heel for saying no.

Saying “no” can be difficult and at times, even downright scary. If you’re a decent human being who believes in being civil to your fellow man, the last thing you want is to let someone down. However, there are situations when saying yes to someone else is like saying no to yourself.

When you say no, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, especially when bullies are trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do.

But what if your bullies threaten either physical harm or worse social exclusion if you do not comply with their wishes?

Nobody wants to get hurt. The natural human response is to submit and make the pain, torment, or the threat of, stop. In your mind, you’re thinking, “Alright, alright! I’ll do it if you’ll go away and leave me alone!”

Therefore you fall for the false promises that they will leave you be and stop hurting you. BUT!

Realize that bullies and abusers never make good on those promises. The harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse.

Why? Because your bullies have benefited from forcing you to say yes. And more than likely, they’ve been getting those benefits for a long time now.

Your bullies never stopped the harassment after all those times you said yes to them before. So, why would they stop now?

Saying no to a bully is never an easy option.

Bullies don’t take no for an answer, least of all from their targets! However, not only is it necessary, it’s essential for self-care!

Therefore, begin saying no, and do it often. However, realize that you can’t change a bully. And if the bullies resist (and they more than likely will), be ready for possible retaliation. And if they do act up, again, it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility.

The only time you should say yes to bullies is if they pull a gun. Otherwise, stick to your answer.

I’ll grant you that saying no is risky. It always has been. Your bullies may threaten you with the business end of their fists and you may come out of it with a shiner and a fat lip.

However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Again, you must say no, even if it makes others angry.

4. another hallmark of conditioning is when You feel like the biggest wuss on the planet.

You know the feeling. When you know you allowed someone else force you into something you neither wanted to nor agreed to. It left a psychological injury that took a long time to recover from.

You ended up asking yourself, “Now, why didn’t I tell those creeps to take a flying leap off the highest cliff head first?” That feeling of powerlessness can be worse than any physical pain you ever suffered.

 In other words, you blame yourself for not standing up to your bullies or abusers. You think that maybe you’re not strong enough, or this enough, or that enough. This is another sign of conditioning.

However, you must know that your bullies act up not because you aren’t firm enough. And don’t think it was because you aren’t any good at defending yourself.

It’s because your bullies are a bunch of pathetic, self-entitled turds. Bullies are abusers and abusers have a talent for conditioning their victims. Therefore, abusers expect the rest of the world to bow down and kiss their behinds and none of that is your fault.

Understand that their behavior isn’t your guilt to carry. Then, begin standing up for yourself and refuse to believe the lies your bullies try to drum into your head.

REPEAT!

Don’t fall for their power plays. Stand up, stand tall, and stand firm no matter what.

5. Your body will feel those icky vibes your bullies are putting out.

In other words. you’ll sense it by feeling that something is “off.” Moreover, you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach. And sometimes, you’ll feel it before the first words are exchanged.

This is, perhaps, the most important sign of all. Why? Because, as mentioned earlier in the post, conditioning is soft and subtle in the beginning. So much so that it isn’t noticeable.

However, here’s your first clue: Your body will tell you if you pay attention to it. Your body, particularly, your gut, will pick up on these sickening vibrations your bullies put out.

Many targets of bullying often mistake this feeling for “just being paranoid” and ignore the feeling. But this is the last thing you should do.

Understand that God gave us all that “sixth sense” or, as it is more commonly called, the “gut feeling” or “instinct”, for a reason.

Therefore, anytime you get a bad feeling in your gut about someone, you are not being paranoid and you are not over-reacting. What you’re doing is picking up on that person’s energy. As a result, your inner alarm is trying to warn you about the person and keep you safe.

You must pay close attention to your gut and to other people’s energy because energy doesn’t lie and neither does your gut instinct!

If ever you catch bad vibes off another person, have nothing to do with them. Instead, get as far away from them as you can and as fast as you can! You will save yourself a lot of trouble, I promise!

This post was all about the signs of conditioning to help you to recognize these indicators early on and protect yourself.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to be Aware of

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Power Statements to Use

You Have Nothing to Be Sorry About

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Don’t apologize for being who you are. You’re just the way God made you.

Don’t be sorry for being a woman, a man, your race, nor having brown hair, blonde hair, blue or brown eyes. For those are the things that make you you. Be happy and secure with it.

Don’t apologize for being a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, nor for holding certain values- for valuing your god and family. For those are the things you hold dear.

Refuse to be sorry for wrongdoings committed by others. You cannot control others’ actions, nor should you be expected to pay for their sins. That is between them and God, and they’ll be judged for it one day.

You’re not responsible for any sins other than your own.

Too many people self-loathe and feel guilty for things they haven’t done, which only strips away their happiness and peace of mind. And if you allow others to heap false guilt on your head unjustly, what do you think they will do next?

Take charge of your happiness and your life. And know that anyone who tries to force you to feel something you shouldn’t feel or do something that is either degrading to you or that you don’t want to do, you should have no more to do with them.

Continue to love yourself. Apologize only for what you’re guilty of and to the person you transgressed against. And if that person doesn’t accept your apology, that’s on them, and you should love yourself enough to get on with it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

3 Reasons You Should Never Hate Yourself

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In today’s backwards culture, we are continuously encouraged to hate ourselves, especially if we fall under certain criteria. You know what I’m talking about.

Also, we’re being brainwashed into believing that if we hate ourselves because of some kind of “privilege,” or because we’re Americans, or Westerners, or middle class, or because we own a business, because we’re successful-or whatever, then it shows that we’re morally good. Know that it’s only virtue signaling at its finest, and it’s all a bunch of hogwash!

You should never apologize for who you are, nor should you feel guilty about any successes or qualities that you have.

Here’s why you shouldn’t hate yourself no matter what anyone, including your bullies, the media, and certain politicians tell you:

1. If they can get you to hate yourself, then they can make you self-destruct. Understand that if you hate yourself, it isn’t to your own benefit, it’s only to theirs (bullies, media, politicians, the elite, etc.) Also, if they can get you to hate yourself, they can talk you into doing the most degrading and demeaning things- like bow down and kneel before other people, when the only person you should bow to is The Lord, Almighty.

2. Anyone who can get you to hate yourself can make you feel guilty for things that you had nothing to do with and that aren’t your fault. They can get you to subjugate yourself, and make you feel that you must “atone” for that (false) guilt.

Depression Concept with Word Cloud and a Humanbeing with broken Brain and Heavy Rain

3. Understand that people who hate themselves are easily led because they are yes-people who are too eager to please. They try so hard to show the rest of the world, they’re morally good- that they’re above certain things. These people will jump through hoops to prove they’re decent people.

But folks, if you already know yourself and know without a doubt that you’re a good, moral, and decent person, why then would you feel you must bend over backwards and make such a concerted effort to prove that?

You wouldn’t. Because, if you know yourself, you know that the goodness, morals, and decency are already there whether others know it or not. Your conscience is clear, and you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. Therefore, you instinctively know that anything the media, politicians, or anyone on the street might put out does not apply to you.

Anyone who virtue signals- who has to work so hard and put on a show to prove something to others can’t have a clear conscience- so they must pander, virtue signal, and really strain themselves not only to prove to the rest of the world that they’re on top of the moral mountain, but to ease their guilty conscience.

On the other hand, if your conscience is clear and you know that none of the narratives apply to you, you wouldn’t waste your time and energy trying to prove it.

You know where I’m going with this.

No matter where you come from,  it’s best to love yourself just the way God made you and turn a deaf ear to the lies of The Enemy!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should NEVER Hate Yourself

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In today’s backwards culture, we are continuously encouraged to hate ourselves, especially if we fall under certain criteria. You know what I’m talking about.

Also, we’re being brainwashed into believing that if we hate ourselves because of some kind of “privilege,” or because we’re Americans, or Westerners, or middle class, or because we own a business, whatever, then it shows that we’re “woke.” It’s virtue signaling at its finest, and it’s all a bunch of hogwash!

Here’s why you shouldn’t hate yourself no matter what anyone, including your bullies, the media, and certain politicians tell you:

If they can get you to hate yourself, then they can make you self-destruct. Understand that if you hate yourself, it isn’t to your own benefit, it’s only to theirs (bullies, media, politicians, the elite, etc.) Also, if they can get you to hate yourself, they can talk you into doing the most degrading and demeaning things- like bow down and kneel before other people.

Anyone who can get you to hate yourself can make you feel guilty for things that you had nothing to do with and that aren’t your fault, get you to subjugate yourself, and make you feel that you must “atone” for that guilt.

Depression Concept with Word Cloud and a Humanbeing with broken Brain and Heavy Rain

Understand that people who hate themselves are easily led because they are yes-people too eager to please. They try so hard to show the rest of the world, they’re morally good- that they’re above certain things. These people will jump through hoops to prove they’re decent people.

But folks, if you already know yourself and know without a doubt that you’re a good, moral, and decent person, why then would you feel you must bend over backwards and make such a concerted effort to prove that?

You wouldn’t. Because you know that the goodness, morals, and decency are already there whether others know it or not. Your conscience is clear, and you know that you’ve done nothing wrong. Therefore, you instinctively know that anything the media, politicians, or anyone on the street might put out does not apply to you.

Anyone who virtue signals- who has to work so hard and put on a show to prove something to others can’t have a clear conscience- so they must pander, virtue signal, and really strain themselves not only to prove to the rest of the world that they’re on top of the moral mountain, but to ease their guilty conscience.

On the other hand, if your conscience is clear and you know that none of the narratives apply to you, you wouldn’t waste your time and energy trying to prove it.

‘Know where I’m going with this? Great! I thought that you would!

No matter where you come from,  it’s best to love yourself just the way God made you and turn a deaf ear to the lies of The Enemy!