‘Want to know about the people pleaser trauma response? People pleasing is mostly a trauma response. Here are five adverse life events that can lead to fawning, along with ways to break this self-sabotaging habit.
In this post, you will learn all about the people pleaser trauma response and the five adverse events that cause it.
Once you learn all about these crucial details, you will be able to not only recognize it in yourself if it’s something you struggle with, but you will also be able to narrow down where it came from.
This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can recognize it, know what causes it, and identify all the signs of it.
People Pleaser Trauma Response
People-pleasing caused by trauma is real. Why? Because people-pleasing behavior, in general, is usually caused by some past trauma.
Let’s find out why some folks people-please.
Psychological Conditioning
Another name for people-pleasing is fawning.
As I’ve mentioned in other posts, many victims of past bullying and abuse struggle with people-pleasing. Abusers have instilled the belief that, to win approval, you must bend over backwards for others. You must even tolerate shitty treatment from creeps.
So, they obey others’ demands because bullies have brainwashed them. And, not so much by words, but by their actions.
How? By retaliating and inflicting harm anytime the victim grew a spine and refused their demands. By doing this, bullies send the message that the next time you refuse to submit, they will punish you.
Moreover, they will often hurt you for daring to say “no!” Therefore, you fear asserting yourself. And you quickly adapt to having to cater to others to ensure your safety. Sadly, some victims linger on in the same situation for years on end.
It’s a hell of a way to live, and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for others’ purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment, not your own.
People Pleaser Trauma Response:
Bullies don’t take no for an answer.
Bullies have a massive sense of entitlement. Moreover, they feel that they are superior to you. Therefore, they don’t take no for an answer, especially from a little peon like you.
They punish anyone who refuses their demands. And that punishment can be psychological or even physical. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to stand firm.
It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!
The Difference Between Kindness and People-pleasing
Kindness means that you give of yourself because you want to. Those who are kind have healthy self-esteem and give out of love. However, they never give at their own expense.
However, a people-pleaser has low self-esteem. Their giving and generosity come from fear instead of love. They give because they feel no one will like them if they don’t. Or, they do it because they may suffer consequences if they don’t.
So, what are the disadvantages of people-pleasing behavior?
People Pleaser Trauma Response:
the disadvantages of People-pleasing
- You end up feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!
- You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.
- You have no time for yourself.
- Your productivity declines because other people’s priorities constrain your time.
- Others lose respect for you.
- It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.
- You feel anger and resentment, not only at the people who constantly use you, but toward yourself for allowing them to.
If nothing else, realize this. Most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for your needs. No one else can do that for you.
Charity always begins at home. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others. You must take care of yourself first.
Now, let’s learn the signs of people-pleasing you may see in yourself.
People Pleaser Trauma Response:
Signs You’re a People Pleaser
First, what is a people-pleaser? It is someone who always puts others before themselves. In other words, they put themselves last.
Many, especially targets of bullying, will have an overwhelming urge to people-please. This is not to say that they’re bad for doing it. However, it is unhealthy because what you are doing is not only counterproductive but also self-destructive.
To know the signs, you must distinguish between kindness and people-pleasing. Again, those who are kind give of themselves out of love. Their giving comes from the heart, not self-esteem issues or fear.
So, how do you know you’re a people-pleaser?
- The fear of retaliation.
- The desire to be liked and win friends.
- To prove your worth.
- To avoid conflict.
- From insecurity.
- You have low self-esteem.
- Feeling like no one appreciates you.
- Secretly having anger and resentment toward those who use and abuse you.
- Being angry at yourself for allowing it.
- Others may call you a “simp.”
5 Adverse Events that Cause People-Pleasing Behavior
1. Bullying or Past Bullying.
Bullying, whether at school or work, is traumatic. If you aren’t careful, it won’t take long, and before you know it, you’ll be walking on eggshells around everyone. And that’s what causes people-pleasing behavior.
In this situation, you aren’t trying to get others to like you. You’re trying to keep them off your back. Therefore, you fawn to keep them happy. But it only produces the opposite results. Others who are evil will notice it and only exploit it.
2. People pleaser Trauma Response:
Growing Up with Child Abuse.
Child abuse is another adverse event that causes people-pleaser behavior. Children who live in abusive homes learn quickly that to stay off an abusive family’s radar, they must fawn.
In other words, they must do everything humanly possible to make the abuser happy. Why? Because they know that if they don’t, there will be hell to pay.
They develop survival habits that are normalized. And by the time these kids reach adulthood, they become a way of life.
Sadly, through their people-pleasing behavior, they only attract more abusers. And they end up a victim of bullying for life. Understand that bullies and abusers look for a trauma response. It’s how they select their victims.
3. Spousal Abuse.
Spousal abuse is so potent. Oftentimes, a person who marries an abuser is highly confident at first. However, it doesn’t take long before domestic abuse whittles their self-esteem down to nothing.
Once your self-esteem is gone, you’ll bend yourself into a pretzel to please your abusive partner. And because trying to please them rewards their behavior, they’ll only treat you worse.
4. People Pleaser Trauma Response:
Not Knowing Any Better.
You may genuinely believe that you’re being kind when, in fact, you may be overdoing the pleasantries. And the next thing you know, others are treating you like a doormat, and you don’t understand why.
You may have been raised to treat everyone as you would want to be treated. However, your guardians may not have taught you that some will take advantage of it. Therefore, you people-please without realizing it.
Again, people-pleaser behavior is a sign of trauma. And signs of trauma are what abusers look for in potential victims.
5. Emotional gaslighting.
Bullies and abusers will use emotional gaslighting when you dare to defend yourself. Understand that they do this to drag you back under their power.
Therefore, if you have a habit of people-pleasing and you begin defending yourself because you’ve grown tired of taking bullshit, look for others to gaslight you.
It’s what happens when you first begin standing up for yourself.
Here’s how to get rid of the people pleaser trauma response:
1. Establish boundaries
When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect for you. Pleasers have no boundaries. Therefore, others quickly notice it and exploit it.
Setting boundaries may feel weird at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. Why? Because setting boundaries shows that you have self-respect.
It also shows that you’re not afraid to prioritize your needs, even if it makes others angry. Realize that you teach others how to treat you. And how you treat yourself depends on how you allow others to treat you.
I can’t stress this enough: trauma responses attract bullying and abuse.
2. Stop apologizing
From the time we’re toddlers, our parents teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, overdoing it can backfire.
Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give unsavory characters undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.
In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.
But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem. Moreover, you show greater power and display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less of a victim.
So, stop giving needless apologies. Realize that this overwhelming urge to over-apologize is only a knee-jerk reaction to extreme fear. Bullies and abusers can sniff fear from miles away.
3. How to Get Rid of The People Pleaser Trauma Response:
Say no.
The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.
Saying no is risky. However, saying yes to bullies won’t keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being, but it won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.
Realize that saying yes to some, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself. So, never be afraid to say no and mean it.
4. Practice self-care
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well-being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.
Understand that if you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!
The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and others who don’t value you.
So, continue to do you. Others may not like it, but that’s their problem, not yours.
5. How to Get rid of the people pleaser trauma Response:
Make your needs a priority
You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you make your needs a priority, you’ll have more to give to others. Always remember that.
Realize that you don’t need to kiss ass, eat shit, and lick boots to prove your worth or ensure your safety. When you tend to people-please, you only bring more bullying and abuse into your life. Why? Because evil characters look for signs of trauma in potential victims
It isn’t your fault. However, you must still learn how to ward off bullies and attract healthy people. Standing up for yourself is how you do it.
This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can know where it comes from and how to break the bad habits that attract bullying and mistreatment.
Related posts you’ll enjoy:
2. People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
3. Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It
4. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying\
5. The Perfect Victim: 9 Traits Bullies Look for in Potential Targets