‘Want to know the definition of bullying. Here’s how to find out if the person mistreating you is a bully or just your common, everyday asshole.
Sometimes we use the term bullying in situations it doesn’t belong in. Some people are jerks. However, it doesn’t mean they’re bullies.
Therefore, in this post, you will learn the definition of bullying so that you will learn the difference between a bully and a jerk.
Once you understand these crucial differences, you will be able to recognize bullying when it occurs and address it effectively.
This post is all about defining bullying so that you can distinguish between bullying and douchebaggery.
Definition of bullying
To distinguish between bullying and everyday incivility, it is essential to understand the definition of bullying. Therefore, here’s a definition provided by the Anti-Bullying Alliance.
“The repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. Bullying can be physical, verbal, or psychological. It can happen face-to-face or online.”
An altercation must have these four elements before we can call it a bullying incident.
4 Elements of Bullying
There are four elements of bullying. Here they are.
1. Imbalance of power.
Physical Strength
In cases of bullying, the bully often has more power than the victim. If you’re a victim of bullying, the power your bully has over you can be physical strength. Therefore, they use it to instill fear in you and exert control over your life.
Social Status
A bully’s power can also be their social status. For example, a popular bullies may weaponize their popularity. They may use it exclude you or to ruin your reputation and reduce your place in the social hierarchy.
The reason they do this is because they know that because they’re so popular, others will listen to them. Their social status automatically gives them credibility. Therefore, they many spread vicious lies about you.
Why? Because they know that others outside the bullying dynamic will take their word over yours. As a result, they can succeed in destroying your good name.
Definition of Bullying:
Psychological strength
The most seasoned bullies may also have more psychological power. You might tell them off when they try to abuse you. However, your comebacks may have little to no effect on them.
The reason these bullies have nerves of steel is that they have learned to shut off their emotions. Bullies with NPD have no empathy at all, and they rarely show emotion. Therefore, it will be challenging to shame or hurt their feelings. They may hurt inside if you deal them a good comeback, but they’ll hide it. However, most victims aren’t as good at concealing their emotions.
2. Repetition.
Bullying is a repeated behavior that becomes a pattern. Remember that bullying is a form of brainwashing. Therefore, it’s why bullies repeat the same narratives and attacks over and over again.
If you are a target of bullying, you will notice that you hear the same narratives day in and day out. Moreover, your bullies will use the same tactics on you time and time again.
It will be as if your bullies are following an internal script, using the broken record technique.
3. Deliberate Intent to harm.
Another element of bullying is the deliberate intent to harm. The harm can be physical, psychological, emotional, or social. Bullies have a strong desire to hurt and to inflict pain, and for several reasons, depending on the person.
Some bullies inflict harm on their victims as a form of revenge. Perhaps your bully retaliates because you reported them. Some bullies bully out of jealousy. Others may bully you because they secretly enjoy seeing you suffer.
4. Definition of Bullying:
Same Victim
Bullying usually targets the same person repeatedly. Remember that bullying always needs a target. Without the victim, bullying doesn’t exist.
However, bullies won’t choose just any victim. They select the easiest target. Therefore, they will pick the person who easily gets emotional or the individual who is least liked by others.
Bullies may also pick those who are small in size and stature or those with disabilities. Nevertheless, whoever they choose will have some weakness that can be exploited.
Is it bullying or is the person being an asshole?
Because people use the term “bullying” so much, they throw the word around willy-nilly. As a result, they use it in situations that don’t fit its use. What do I mean by this? You may wonder.
What I mean is that many are too quick to stick the “bully” label on anyone who says anything they don’t like. There’s so much confusion about bullying. And people may mistake rudeness for it. They may wrongfully label someone who’s only being a jerk, or voicing an unfavorable opinion.
Therefore, we must define bullying. We also need to clarify what constitutes bullying and what does not. Only then will we be able to distinguish between a bully and an every day douche bag.
The Definition of bullying
Bullying – an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical, and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social, and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over one or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening (https://www.ncab.org.au/bullying-advice/bullying-for-parents/definition-of-bullying/)
Not All Bad Behavior IS bullying.
Not all bad behavior is bullying. For example, simple statements that make you uncomfortable are not considered bullying. Here is a list of situations that do not constitute bullying.
- Disagreements and truthful debates
- Misunderstandings
- Stubbornness
- Incivility and jerky behavior
- Unfavorable opinions.
Bullying has become a blanket term to describe anyone who is an asshole. Assholes are those who are rude, obnoxious, and opinionated. People are quick to label uncivil jerks and jackasses as bullies. In fact, they call anyone who says, does, or believes anything they disapprove of a bully. This is wrong.
Definition of bullying:
Examples
Suppose a 6’5” tall, muscular knucklehead bumps into you on the street. He says, “Hey, idiot! Watch where the hell you’re going!”, then keeps walking. Afterwards, you never see the guy again. That’s not bullying.
Is the person an asshole? Absolutely. But he isn’t necessarily a bully.
But what if he deliberately runs into you and shoots his mouth off every time he sees you on the street? What if he made a habit of it by continuing to harass you?
In that case, yes, you could call him a bully. Why? Because he would use his size and height to intimidate you. He’d also repeat the behavior every day. Moreover, he would treat everyone else with respect and dignity while singling you out for abuse. Therefore, all these behaviors point to bullying.
Unfavorable opinions.
For instance, a person is voicing an opinion. When someone asks them what they think of their new next-door neighbor, the person answers. They say, “I think he is an arrogant, egotistical jackass.”
The person is voicing an unfavorable opinion, yes. However, he still isn’t bullying the new neighbor.
But what if the person continues this behavior for a week, a month, or longer? What if he smears the new neighbor to everyone in the neighborhood in an attempt to turn everyone against him? Then, yes, they would be bullying the neighbor.
Definition of Bullying:
Debates.
If two people are arguing over different beliefs, it’s not bullying even if the argument is heated. Only when one of the arguers resorts to repeatedly calling their opponent names does it turn into bullying. Name-calling is meant to shame someone because they don’t share their beliefs. And the name-calling must go on for a long time, against the same opponent.
To prevent innocent people from being labeled as bullies, we must know what constitutes bullying and what does not. Only then will we be able to apply it to those who genuinely deserve the label.
Bully or Asshole?
Everyone deals with assholes, but not everyone gets bullied. Jerks and disrespect are a regular part of life. Bullying, on the other hand, is not. A jerk’s behavior is hurtful and harmful. Sure. But a bully’s behavior is not only hateful and negative, it’s abusive and repeated.
When is hurtful behavior classified as bullying? How do we distinguish between bullying and disrespect? What is the difference between a jerk and a bully?
When a person is “just being a jerk,” their bad attitude is random, sporadic, and directed at anyone at any time.
On the other hand, when an individual is a bully, their behavior tends to be a pattern. In other words, the ill-treatment becomes a habit and is directed towards one person in particular- you.
Bullying requires a target! It is systematic, deliberate, vicious, and always escalates over time. Bullying involves smear campaigns, witch hunts, and is relentless. Bullying seeks to destroy. It is a campaign with a goal. Therefore, bullying is well-organized.
A jerk is afraid you might want something from him. On the other hand, a bully wants something from you.
This post is all about the definition of bullying so that you can distinguish the Behaviors of Bullies and uncivil Jerks.
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Well done for pointing this out. I knew of a few bullying targets who were jerks so it is right to point out the difference.
Thank you, Michael. I knew a few of those, too. Some of the other targets would bully me because they thought they had something to prove. Moreover, they tried to shove me to the bottom of the social hierarchy to keep themselves off it.
🙏🌹
Aum Shanti
Thank you, Shanti!
This is a great one. I think that is probably one area where people do get confused about. Bullying is rampant and occurs on a regular basis, no question. However, we have to be careful to truly know what is actual bullying versus someone just being a jerk.
Some people just aren’t very friendly people and are rather snarky. They tend to be short or always make an ass out of themselves but it isn’t aimed at you personally. That being said behavior is always a choice. When someone says, “That’s just the way I am” and they are a jackass, that is nothing to be proud of. They make a choice to be that way. But we do have to remember that yeah they came across as a butthole toward us but they are that way with most people.
I will say this. All of us need to have a higher level of expectation for those we surround ourselves with. I have had a few friends in my life that are always rude to say a custodian or waitress. Not cool. And so many of us have been or are in relationships with people who are always mean or an asshole to other people or even to us! If your significant other is non-supportive or always has something snide to say or lives in constant jealousy for one’s success or jealous of one’s friends then that is a major red flag. Being an asshole is always a choice.
Exactly, Kandi. Many people are jerks and assholes to everyone because, maybe, they’ve been badly hurt somewhere in their past and want to keep people away so that they don’t get hurt again. That’s the thing I’ve discovered with jerks. And yes, being an asshole is a choice. You choose how you handle the hurt you’ve suffered.
One of the harsh realities we all learn is some people are simply jerks. They think their crap doesn’t stink, have no table manners or lack empathy and simply are just not nice people. They aren’t bullies really but they intentionally choose to be a curmudgeon or make no effort for social skills.
We all can be surly at times but sometimes we are guilty of defending our own family and friends when they act that way or even ourselves.
True that. Jerks and assholes aren’t as defensive of themselves as bullies are. They just don’t give a crap. For instance, if a jerk slights you and you turn around and call them an asshole, they’ll likely keep walking and not give you the slightest response. A bully, on the other hand, would turn around, approach you again, and say, “What did you just call me, bitch?”
However, most people, bullies and jerks, will defend their loved ones, even if they are in the wrong. This is a part of the human condition.
I meant to add and this is usually a different type of thing but I think one way to look at it is siblings for those of us who have them and no it doesn’t mean our siblings are jerks.
But often times Big Brother or Big sister being the oldest think they are the Alpha. And when you are younger, the fact they get to do stuff before you or often times they will try to put you in your place almost always leads to a conflict at some point. No it isnt the same but little brother/sister thinks older sibling is being an asshole to them or perhaps they even are in a way if they are babysitting or around their friends. Or the older sibling may feel that way about the younger brother/sister who decides to embarass them when they bring a date over.
Absolutely, Kandi. There’s always a degree of rivalry between siblings.
I think the biggest thing is recognizing some people are just that assholes. The A-holes just do nothing but smirk and make snide remarks and treat others poorly. Think of the tv series Dallas. Remember JR Ewing? He thought anyone who wasn’t rich and didn’t see him as a king was beneath him. He was just an a-hole in general even often times to his own family except for his dad on the early seasons.
I definitely remember JR Ewing. He was an asshole to everyone. And he was one to his family, especially to Bobby Ewing, his brother, whom he was highly jealous of.
Behavior is always a choice but I will concede some people aren’t mean because they are bullies, they just have a dark disposition and can find with anyone or anything and are standoffish and can be short and blunt. A good test of that is observe how they treat others too. I have known many a jerk who yes was an asshole to me but it wasn’t selective. They treated everyone that way!
Correct, Jess! To find out whether someone is bullying you or just being a jackass, always do a test – watch how they treat others. If they treat everyone like dirt, they’re a jackass. But if they treat everyone well but you, they’re a bully, and you are their target.