Tag: willful blindness

cognitive dissonance meaning

Cognitive Dissonance: 5 Ways It Plays a Huge Role in Bullying

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Do you want to know about cognitive dissonance and the huge role it has in incidences of bullying. Here we discuss how it leaves you standing alone and perpetuates more bullying.

cognitive dissonance

Sadly, most bystanders, witnesses, and members of authority have cognitive dissonance. Especially when it comes to incidences of bullying in school, the workplace, and in the community. However, it only serves to embolden bullies and abusers. Also, it multiplies the sufferings of victims and targets.

In this post, you will learn all about this psychological mechanism so that you can call it by name.

After you learn about this form of denial, you’ll confidently call it what it is the next time bystanders do nothing and claim they didn’t see your bullies attack you.

So What is Cognitive dissonance?

According to Very Well Mind, it is “the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes.”

Human nature dictates that people would rather hold onto their attitudes, perceptions, and beliefs. Therefore, when what they see and hear conflicts with those long-held perceptions, it causes them to feel uncomfortable.

For example, you have a bullied coworker and bullies and their followers have defamed the person for years. Moreover, people at work may have seen the victim break down or snap. And why not? Almost anyone would break under the pressure after suffering relentless bullying for so long.

As a result, the bullies only weaponize the victim’s perfectly normal response and twist it to make it look like the person is a bad person or they need help.

Therefore, everyone else in the company thinks this person is either unhinged or they’re just a terrible person who doesn’t have good temperament. Even worse, they’ve all held those beliefs for years.

Then, one day, someone who really knows the bullied coworker starts working for the company and tells them what a great person the victim really is. The friend will even provide some kind of evidence that proves it.

However, the other workers only get angry at the friend for telling the truth and contradicting their perceptions. They then begin to bully the victim’s friend and escalate the abuse of the victim a hundred fold!

Moreover, the more the friend explains that the victim really is a good person once people at work get to know them, the more the blind coworkers double down in their attitudes. Consequently, they also triple the abuse.

the above scenario is what cognitive dissonance is and what is does.

This psychological defect only comes from pride. In other words, the bullies and everyone else will never admit that they had the victim all wrong.

To admit that they messed up would mean admitting they treated the victim like crap. Moreover, they would risk losing face and possibly their jobs.

This is why the truth angers most people who deny it. And you don’t see CD in only cases of bullying and abuse. You also see it in politics and in family cases of divorce.

Moreover, cognitive dissonance can show up after a bad breakup.

Another example would be back in the 1400s, when people thought the world was flat. After Christopher Columbus discovered that it was round, most people refused to believe it and ridiculed him.

Again,  most people refuse to believe something even if proof of it is right under their noses. In other words, they may see the opposite of their perceptions with their own eyes and still refuse to believe it.

Another Example of Cognitive dissonance

Here’s another example. You’re bullied in school and you come to the office with bruises and cuts all over your face. You report your bullies beat you up in the schoolyard.

The brutes that beat the mess out of you happen to be stars on the football team and college-bound students with stellar grades. Moreover, their families are either big time mobsters or they’re high officials in the city government.

The principal, who admires the bullies and knows their families well, swears up and down that you’re lying. He accuses you of doing it to yourself to make the attackers look bad and get them into trouble. Or, he may accuse you of having someone else beat you up and blaming those innocent bullies for it.

So, you give the names of the other students who stood around watching the entire thing. When the principal calls them all in, they each claim they didn’t see the bullying when you know doggone well they did see it.

You saw them standing around watching as the bullies attacked you. The principal then blames you and gives you a three-day suspension while your assailants get off Scot free.

However, tell the principal that you’re well aware of the cognitive dissonance everyone has. Then watch his chin hit the floor as the shock grabs him by the boo-boo!

You’ll practically hear him thinking, “Where the hell did this kid learn that?”

What happens when you meet one of your bullies at the ten-year reunion?

You meet your bully or bullies at the ten-year reunion with your spouse and children. You’re civil to them. Then you tell your family that these people bullied you in school but you rose above it.

Your bullies hear this and respond with denial, anger, or indignation.

Or,  you see them at the reunion and they bully you again, in front of your family. Moreover, they throw subtle digs at your spouse and kids because your spouse tells some of the classmates that you’re such a great husband/wife and that you couldn’t have picked a better life partner.

The point to this story is this.

Bullies don’t want to notice anything about you that forces them to remember that you are generally a good person.  They don’t want to see proof that you are respected and very well-loved.

In other words, your bullies will deny that you’re a kind and thoughtful person and not deserving of brutal treatment.

And they for sure don’t want to remember that they were the ones who made school hell for you and caused you so much pain. In fact, they refuse to see you as a human being, deserving of the same rights and considerations as everyone else.

The reason why bullies do NOT want to see these things is that it would only prick at their consciences and make them feel dirty!

Cognitive dissonance: this bares repeating

Regardless of the facts, of what you say or do, or of your intentions, your bullies will take everything out of context. Moreover, they will misconstrue and spin it to support their narratives, whatever they may be.

Deep down inside, your bullies, their followers, your former friends who have been turned against you- they all know that you’re a great person.

Believe me, they are very much aware of your kindness, your big heart, and of your potential, only they would never in this lifetime admit it. Because to admit it would be to convict themselves.

Admission of your positive qualities would be an admission of their guilt! That they were in the wrong and that they are a bunch of cruel monsters!

Therefore, to save face and not feel like total scumbags, they can’t afford to acknowledge the truth. Because, again, to do so would be to demonize themselves.

And you can bet that if you happen to run into one or more of your former bullies from school or work at the supermarket, the gas station, or anywhere else in public, they will automatically turn their heads and walk away- fast!

However, you must understand where it all comes from.

Don’t feel rejected. And don’t feel the least bit upset about it. You must see it for what it is, and what it is, is guilt! It’s nothing personal.

Realize that each time they see your face, it only reminds them of the horrible things they did to you in the past, and they feel dirty!

No one wants to feel dirty.

Therefore, when this happens to you, don’t let it shake you. Don’t feel rejected because it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Moreover, they’re trying to bury feelings of shame and they’re afraid you might expose them.

just smile when your old bullies turn and run.

Because that’s what they’re doing. They feel very uncomfortable around you. Therefore, you have power over them now. Why? Because the very sight of you intimidates the hell out of them. Guilt is a very powerful but uncomfortable emotion and it can cut a person to the quick.

However, bullies with NPD may not feel this guilt as most people with this disorder don’t. They may give you dirty looks instead. But still, you have power over them otherwise, they wouldn’t even waste the energy of a look. Instead, they’d just go on their marry way.

This post was all about cognitive dissonance so that you can confidently call it out when you see it. Moreover, you can take advantage of your bullies’ discomfort by using it as a self-esteem booster.

1. Know Your Enemy: 7 Reasons to Gather Intel on Your Bullies

2. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

3. The 4 Stages of Bullying

4. Bullying by Teachers: 15 Proven Signs a Teacher is Bullying You

5. The Horns Effect: Bully-Induced Bias Against Victims of Bullying

Both a Blessing and a Curse

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When you have a sharp BS detector and are able to see through others’ fakery and behind their douchebaggery, you have a special gift that few people have. That much is true. Moreover, with this gift, you can more easily avoid the many traps and pitfalls bullies, shysters, and con artists set up.

However, having this gift can be a curse. Although being awake and alert to lies, deceit, and bad intentions is both freeing and empowering, it can also be an excruciating and alienating journey. It can be lonely, confusing, and frightening. You often struggle as you try to process the insanity around you.

There is a reality that no one talks about- the darkness that accompanies your having this kind of sight. In fact, you may grieve what you thought, for so many years, was the truth. The realization that everything you once thought you knew turned out to be lies is, perhaps, the most difficult pill to swallow.

Furthermore, the people you once trusted, the principals you were taught, the beliefs you once held, the illusions you once had, and the life you once lived- when they turn out to be lies, it’s the hardest thing!

The Truth Hurts

Having your illusions shattered is never an enjoyable experience. However, with growth comes pain and discomfort and it doesn’t stop there. With these newfound revelations, you will often find yourself grieving again. You’ll grieve the loss of relationships with people you thought were friends and were smarter.

You’ll feel alone. And you’ll be ridiculed not only by acquaintances and passers by but sometimes by friends and family. You’ll realize that you never had nearly as much in common with the people you care about as you originally thought.

When you’re wise to bullshit, people will judge and ridicule you because they either don’t see what you do, or they do see it but are either living in denial or they’re too chicken to call it out.

Moreover, you might grieve the loss of your own ignorance because ignorance is bliss and reality is harsh. You might even find yourself wishing that you were still just as ignorant as they are because, if you were, you’d still fit in with them.

Having the sense to see through all the smoke screens can be a lonely road to travel. There’s no sugarcoating it- getting wise to the realities of the world and of the people around you can be brutal!

Most People Can’t Handle the Truth

Furthermore, the ability to dive down into the deepest, darkest rabbit holes and to remain functioning in daily life is a skill that we don’t talk about enough.

I’ve lost many people I thought were friends. However, I still consider myself one of the lucky few. Why? Because most of my family and my small circle of true friends? They get it and they get me. However, many of you aren’t so lucky. You’re struggling with feeling disconnected from your family and friends and it’s as though they exist in another world.

Just know that you’re not alone. Not only are you not alone, but you also have an entire tribe standing behind you. We may be separated by miles, but we’re deeply connected in purpose and spirit.

So, hold on to your faith and your dignity. Hold onto your truth and stand on it. Continue to be yourself and to press forward. Know that we’re here and we’ve got you! Most importantly, know that God’s here and He’s got you!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

All About Bully Privilege

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In most cases, bullies have the benefit of followers and bystanders covering for them when they terrorize and brutalize their targets. Targets, on the other hand, get no leniency whatsoever, so, they must make extra efforts to keep their hands clean because, unlike the bullies, they can’t afford to break any rules. IF targets dare to engage in the same behaviors the bullies do, they’d quickly be fired, expelled, prosecuted, or worse, killed.

What targets are severely punished for bullies get away with. You see it all the time- in the schools, workplaces, and communities. For a target of bullying, there’s no margin for error. Targets don’t have the benefit of a cheering section. And if bullies can’t find anything to hold against the target, they’ll make something up.

Understand that bullies and their enablers don’t play by the same rules. When bullies engage in bad behavior, people are silent, and the bullies are exempt from accountability. While bullies get a pass for the worst behaviors, targets are persecuted for perceived or made up slights or normal human errors that anyone could make.

Realize that this is a clear-cut example of “bully privilege” and it’s real. It’s been around since the beginning of time.

During the Medieval Period, kings had scapegoats who were blamed for mistakes and wrongdoing- scapegoats, who were executed. If targets expect to defend themselves properly, they must stop being so shocked about it and realize that such things exist.

Targets must prepare and stop being blindsided because it will only throw them off balance and hinder their ability to think properly.

Realize that we live in a fallen world and one that isn’t just. Also, understand that nothing is impossible and that we should expect the unexpected.

Only then will you be able to come up with a strategy and protect yourself more effectively.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying and Confirmation Bias

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People will believe what they want to believe, and no amount of solid evidence will convince them if they refuse to believe it. Sadly, the only way confirmation bias has anything to do with truth is when the truth matches the belief.

If the truth doesn’t match the person’s beliefs, chances are strong that they’ll only deny it and look elsewhere for evidence that contradicts that truth.

Understand that bullies do the same when it comes to their targets. They seek to justify and explain away their cruelty and abuse and find arguments that support their opinions of the target. Bullies either don’t realize (or refuse to) that this creates problems.

Any time bullies disregard information that contradicts their beliefs, they either don’t realize they’re doing it, or they do know what they’re doing but don’t care.

Studio shot of playful disobedient adult son in red t-shirt, covering ears with index finger and saying lalala while wanting mom get mad, standing indifferent to argue, being impolite and childish.

For instance, bullies abuse the target, they get caught and are standing tall before a member of authority to answer for their abuse. So, the bullies tell the person in authority that there’s a good reason why they beat up the target and make up a cockamamie excuse for their brutality. They blame the target, saying that he instigated the fight by spreading a rumor that could cost them their reputations and they just had to teach him a lesson.

This justification has worked for them before, but this time is different. Instead of convincing the person in power that they had a good reason for bullying the target, and it backfires on them.

This is what confirmation bias is- it’s the tendency to recall, interpret, and favor information in a way that confirms a pre-existing belief.

Bullies commit this type of bias when they desperately search for evidence that supports their pre-existing beliefs of their targets. They will be selective in their stories of the target, either adding to or taking away from the truth, this is how they make their lies so convincing. They rarely tell straight up lies, they mostly take one tiny grain of truth and embellish it.

Bullies either blow it up, water it down, or heavily distort the truth. They are also good at (conveniently) taking things out of context. But understand this: all this is done deliberately. Bullies will distort anything to shoehorn it and make it fit their beliefs and agendas.

Bullies will even cherry-pick different parts of the truth, the parts that fit their beliefs, and then add their own spin to it to glue the pieces together to create their own version of the truth and make it sound believable. This is done so that it can fit the bullies’ existing beliefs.

Think about it. The media does this all the time. A witness may pull out their phone and film something terrible that is happening right before their eyes, they then send it to a news station to be broadcasted.

When the new media gets a hold of the film, they will edit out anything that doesn’t fit their beliefs or agenda and only show the bits and pieces of the film that best fits the story they wish to put out. If they get an audio recording, they will also edit it and create soundbites, only broadcasting fragments of the recording that best fits the story they want to tell the public.

It’s all the same.

Granted, each one of us looks at things from our own perspective, therefore, we all have a tiny bit of confirmation bias in us because everyone looks at the world differently.

However, bullies will take this to a whole different level, and they will twist, distort, embellish, and lie to get the answers they desire. And if it means denying solid evidence- any solid, concrete evidence which is in the target’s favor, then that is what they will do.

Understand that the reason bullies do this is to discredit their targets and skew the perspectives of any bystanders and authority members to create prejudicial and negative views of and attitudes about the target.

And to make it sound even more truthful and further cement the hatred of others against the target, they will repeat and repeat again the same false narrative a million times.

It’s so important that we understand the mindsets of bullies, their tactics, and their intentions behind such tactics. It’s also important that these tactics have names and that we know those names and how to describe them. Only then will we be better able to speak out about them and be our own advocates should we become targets of bullying.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Are Well-Known for Making Snap Judgements

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If you’re a target of bullying, you often wonder why bullies and their followers make snap judgments about you before getting to know you or before seeing any evidence and getting the facts. You may also wonder why your classmates, coworkers, or neighbors automatically believe rumors and lies about you, especially rumors and lies that sound completely ridiculous.

I know how you feel. Some of the accusations my classmates accused me of were so absurd and ludicrous, that any sane person would’ve dismissed them outright. If you find yourself asking why your peers fall for such foolishness, here’s your answer.

Bullies don’t care what the facts are. Never are they concerned with the truth. Understand that these quick judgments are judgments that fit their agendas. The only agendas they have are to hurt you! Nothing else! And they will look for any justification and opportunity to do so.

People, especially bullies, don’t believe facts. They only think whatever feels good to them. It doesn’t matter if it’s a fact, opinion, or a complete falsehood.

Here’s an example: A wife has a husband she loves dearly. The wife’s best friend sees the husband out with another woman and kissing her one Saturday night. So, the best friend informs the wife that her husband is cheating, only for the wife to get angry at the best friend and throw her out.

Even though the husband is, in fact, guilty of cheating and the BFF did witness him kissing the mistress, the wife doesn’t believe it because she doesn’t want to believe it. Therefore, it feels much better to assume that the BFF is jealous of her happy marriage and is trying to break them apart.

Here’s another example: Lori hates Veronica. Lori is best friends with Cindy. Cindy befriends Veronica and finds out what a sweet and genuine person Veronica is. Later, she tells Lori that Veronica is not such a bad person, that she’s, in fact, a lovely and caring lady. Lori refuses to believe Cindy and only wants to believe the worst about Veronica.

Lori gets angry at Cindy for having anything to do with Veronica and accuses Cindy of betraying her (Lori). Lori now refuses to talk to Cindy.

But understand that Lori only stops talking to Cindy to manipulate her into cutting ties with Veronica. Because of Lori’s blind hatred for Veronica, she refuses to believe that Veronica may, in fact, be a great friend if Lori ever got to know her.

Lori has VDS- Veronica Derangement Syndrome.

Again, bullies don’t care about facts or evidence. They want to believe the lies, and even worse, they want the lies to be true! Self-deception and willful blindness always feel better to bullies.

Ignorance is bliss, and unfortunately, bullies are some of the most blissful people on earth.

If you are a target of such people, my advice would be NOT to try and convince them because you’d only be wasting your time and energy. Instead, continue to love and accept yourself regardless. Also realize that these people aren’t good for you and shouldn’t be in your life. You’re better off without them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!