Tag: victim-blaming

victim-blaming

signs of gaslighting

Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

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Would you like to know the signs of gaslighting so that you can better protect yourself against it the next time it occurs? Here are the most common indicators and examples you need to know.

signs of gaslighting

People can gaslight you without your even knowing it’s happening, which is not only harmful, but also confusing. As a former target of it myself, I’m giving you the sure-fire signs of gaslighting you must know so that you’ll recognize it and be prepared.

You are going to learn about the signs of gaslighting and examples of it as well.

After learning about all these tactics and what they look and sound like, you will better be able to defend yourself against them.

This post is all about the most common signs of gaslighting in both your abusers AND yourself you should be aware of.

The Most Common Signs of gaslighting

1. Bullies deny their behavior.

Denial is one of the most obvious forms of gaslighting.

Often, when a bully or abuser says something to insult you and you call them on it, they will flat out say, “I didn’t say that,” when you know doggone well they did. Understand that this is their way of covering up their behavior by making you look unstable.

Moreover, the bully has the chutzpah to lie and deny even when you present clear evidence of the truth. That’s what makes this form of gaslighting so astonishing.

The goal of this tactic is to cause the people around you to think that maybe you’re hearing things. Also, bullies do this deliberately to cause you to doubt yourself. The bully wants you to wonder if you heard them correctly.

In other words, their goal is to convince you that what happened didn’t really happen. Therefore, they plant seeds of doubt in your mind to trick you into thinking that it is all in your head.

Furthermore, there’s another thing bullies like to say when you call them on their behavior. “You’re only imagining things.”

Additionally, they might say that the bullying you report “is only in your imagination.”

Again, this is denial and it’s designed to make you doubt yourself and to make you look paranoid to any bystanders. And if you doubt yourself, it will inspire others to doubt you too.

Don’t fall for it. Chances are that you heard them correctly or actually saw what you saw. Counter the gaslighting by telling them, “You did say that,” or “I know you did because I saw you with my own two eyes. Don’t even try to gaslight me, buddy.”

Yes, call out the gaslighting. Then walk away and limit any future engagement with them.

2. Bullies questioning your memory IS ALSO ONE OF THE SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING.

Questioning your memory is another slick tactic bullies use to shirk responsibility for their questionable behavior. Bullies mostly pull this number on older adults. However, anyone at any age can be a target of this kind of gaslighting.

For example, when you confront an abuser on something they did in the past, the bully may ask you, “Are you sure that’s the way it happened?”

Just as it is with denial, bullies use this method to make you doubt and question yourself. Consequently, it’s so easy it shouldn’t work. But it does.

Again, don’t fall for this trick. Tell them right away and up front that your memory is just fine and that they’re only gaslighting you to cover their own butts. Also, when you tell them, do it with conviction. Then, again, walk away and have no further association with them.

3. They trivialize the way you feel or what you experienced

This is yet another tactic designed to make you look immature or mentally imbalanced.

For instance, you may report a bully for bullying you at school or a perverted boss at work for making a sexually suggestive comment to you. As a result, they may counter your complaint by making statements like:

“You’re just being a crybaby”

“You’re too sensitive. You need to toughen up a little.”

“Oh, shut up!”

“Awww, stop whining.”

or

“You need to lighten up.”

Bullies do this to embarrass and shame you into silence while, at the same time, covering themselves by minimizing their own behavior. In other words, they use shame and embarrassment, hoping you’ll shut up and allow them to keep abusing you.

They employ this tactic to cause others to doubt you too. When others don’t believe you and choose to side with your bullies, it’s even tougher to know when someone is gaslighting you.

Moreover, when others agree with them, you’ll feel even more compelled to keep your mouth shut and go along with it. The reason for this compulsion is fear.

Bullies and abusers hope you’re afraid that if you don’t clam up, you’ll only suffer more abuse as punishment for daring to open your mouth.

However, don’t stay silent. Keep speaking out and do it calmly but with a strong voice.

Never apologize for feeling hurt or angry at someone else’s abuse! Never! In these situations, you have a right to feel the way you do! Let no one tell you how you should feel when you know with utmost certainty that you’re being abused!

Just tell them to shove it, walk away, and have nothing more to do with them.

4. you constantly second-guess yourself

The signs of gaslighting doesn’t only show up in your bullies, they show up in you too.

Notice that you’re hyper-self-aware, self-conscious, and always on guard. You self-monitor to make sure you do and say the right thing.

Furthermore, you say something, make a judgement call,  or make a choice, then turn right around and begin wondering if you said the right thing or made the right decision. You’re confused all the time.

Should I do this or should I do that? Should I say it like this or like that? Do I make this choice or that?

Gaslighting does this to it’s victims. Understand that this is no way to live.

You can only solve this problem when you stop worrying about what others think and know that your first instinct is usually the correct one. Also, cut the toxic people out of your life.

5. One of the main signs of gaslighting: you constantly bend knee to keep from being further gaslighted

When bullies gaslight you on the daily, it can be tempting to apologize way too much. Again, understand that when bullies gaslight you they re-victimize you by countering you for calling them out or reporting them. In a sense, they re-victimize you a second time.

 Gaslighting is the main reason why targets are often programmed to apologize for things that don’t need an apology. And calling someone out on their evil actions is one of those things that doesn’t warrant one.

I understand that the apologies that victims make are often knee-jerk reactions that come from extreme fear of gaslighting. Moreover, the incessant apologies are ways to appease the bullies and make them go away and leave them alone.

However, bullies know this and that’s why they gaslight you and use it to their advantage. They also know that such an apology isn’t heartfelt and that you’re only trying to pacify them and keep them from harming you again.

never give an unwarranted apology.

As tempting as it is, you should never apologize for confronting anyone over their abuse because, when you do, you only take away your own power and hand it over to your bullies.

On the other hand, when you refuse to apologize where an apology isn’t needed, it’s a sign of greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. It also shows that you have more dignity and integrity.

It pays to know when you should and shouldn’t apologize. So, do it only when you should. Not when others think you should.

This only gives the bullies an ego boost and makes you look like a simp.

Doing other things to appease the bullies, such as staying silent and doing what they want at your own expense is also bending knee to them. Because bullies don’t only gaslight you for speaking out about their abuse and reporting them to authority members, they also gaslight you for refusing to give in to their demands.

Therefore, never apologize for calling a bully out nor refusing to do what they want. Also, never cave in and obey if the bully demands that you do what they want. The only chances you have to end the gaslighting is to stand up to it, then ditch the gaslighters.

6. your bullies label you as “crazy.”

This is, perhaps, the cruelest form of gaslighting.

There is nothing that discredits victims like the “crazy” label. Even bank-robbers and former prison inmates get more believed by others than someone whom others have labeled mentally ill.

Labeling another person crazy is too easy because people have a strong tendency to see the worst in others, especially today. The label of crazy also has lots of staying power.

Moreover, mental instability is the most difficult to disprove. Why? Because although your abusers can never prove that you are, in fact, crazy; there’s also no way you can prove that you’re not.

Another reason it’s so hard to disprove is that any victim of bullying will more than likely be an emotional wreck because of the chronic abuse they suffer. And if your bullies can make you look loony, then who’s going to believe you when you speak out about the abuse?

The burden of proof falls on you.

However, know this. Any time bullies and abusers pull the “crazy” card, they do it as a last option. The crazy label is used when there’s nothing else they can pin on you. Bullies use this tactic out of desperation when they know you’re onto them and their true natures are about to be discovered.

Here’s something else you should think about.

when bullies label you crazy, they actually know you’re not.

When bullies label you as crazy, it doesn’t mean they actually think you are.

Remember that bullies are big cowards and if they really and truly thought you were crazy, they they wouldn’t come near you.

In other words, if a person with any common sense knows someone who is factually and legitimately bats*** crazy, their first instinct is to either stay away from the person or walk lightly around them and do their due diligence to keep from setting them off!

Why? Because a crazy person has no filter and no sense of right and wrong. Therefore, they have no reservations about seriously hurting someone or worse.

So, though they may label you as such, they know that you aren’t. What your bullies really think is that you’re weak. They only play the “crazy” card to discredit you.

Always remember that.

To counter this, you must point out exactly what they’re doing and why they do it. Reject the label, and continue to speak out no matter what they may call you. The key to doing this is not to care what people think and eighty-six anyone who sticks you with the label, or any label for that matter.

7. you feel you can’t do anything right.

In other words, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you stay silent and take it, they call you a wuss. If you report the abuse or stand against it, you’re either a bad person or you’re mentally ill.

This is a form of gaslighting because it’s designed to confuse you and leave you filled with doubt. That’s what gaslighting does.

The way to combat this type of gaslighting is to stand strong and never give relevance to your bullies or their tactics. Stand your ground and stick to your guns. Remember the trick is to not to care less what they say or think. Don’t give it any oxygen and put some distance between yourself and your abusers. That’s how you win against gaslighters.

Your bullies may not change their attitudes toward you but they’ll eventually disappear from your life if they can’t manipulate and gaslight you. Why? Because they prefer easy prey rather than someone who makes them work at it.

Also, you’ll feel much better about yourself knowing that you were wise to their games and stood up to them.

this post was all about the 7 most common signs of gaslighting to help you wise up to the mind games and gather the confidence to stand against it and put a stop to it.

Related posts you will enjoy:

  1. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

  2. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

  3. Reasons Why People Bully – 7 Most Common Motives

being a scapegoat

Being a Scapegoat: 5 Insanely Powerful Ways to Put a Stop to It

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Do you want to know the absolute best ways to stop being a scapegoat? Here are the best defenses you must know about.

being a scapegoat

Scapegoating is the most harmful and alienating experience a person can endure. If you’re being scapegoated like I was, chances are that you’re wondering what to do to put a stop to it. As someone who has been there and overcome, I’m giving you the most powerful ways to stop being a scapegoat that worked for me and others I know.

You are going to learn about the 5 best ways to stop being a scapegoat and, ultimately, take back your life.

After learning about all these smart strategies, you are going to finally take back your dignity and peace of mind.

This post is all about the 5 best ways to stop being a scapegoat that every victim should know.

Best Strategies to stop being a scapegoat

1. Learn what scapegoating is and how to recognize it when you see it.

The first step of defense is knowledge. In other words, to stop being a scapegoat, you must know what scapegoating is and be able to spot it when those around you are trying to make you one.

So, what is scapegoating and who are scapegoats?

According to Cambridge Dictionary, scapegoating is the act of blaming a person or group for something bad that has happened or that someone else has done. In other words, the scapegoat is made to bare the burden of someone else’s wrongs and is punished in the guilty person’s place.

Scapegoating also happens when others take all their anger, frustrations, hurts, and other issues out on you. In essence, they’re punishing you for the crappy hand life is dealing them whether or not you caused it.

Projecting or projection is another term for this type of scapegoating.

Here’s an example of scapegoating:

A football team loses the big game. Afterwards, they blame the bench warmer for the loss, even though it was the quarterback who failed to tackle the opposing player before he got to the goal line, or, maybe another teammate fumbled the ball, which cost them the game.

I’m not real football savvy here, but you get the point.

Scapegoats and scapegoating go all the way back to the Bible days. During the Old Testament, people gave burnt offerings of lambs to cleanse themselves of sin.

During the Medieval Period, being a scapegoat would put a target’s life in mortal danger. Kings used scapegoats to cover their own mistakes and wrongdoings. They would do this by forcing the scapegoats to take the blame for the kings’ screw-up and put them to death.

Executing the scapegoats serve two purposes. It kept them quiet and ensured that the kings continue to smell like roses.

People, especially bullies, do the same today, only in different ways. Also, the scapegoat is always the person who is totally innocent and one who has the least power to fight back.

2. Set boundaries.

Being a scapegoat comes with being bullied. If you set boundaries, however, people are least likely to bully you. Therefore, there’s also less chance of you being a scapegoat.

Setting boundaries is a must, though not always easy, especially if you’re a victim of bullying. However, you must continue to have boundaries, otherwise, others will only ride roughshod over you.

“What is setting boundaries?” you might ask.

It’s clearly communicating to others what you will and will not tolerate and what they can expect from you if they violate one of your boundaries.

It takes confidence to set boundaries, which, sadly, is something a few bullying targets have. Moreover, bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. Therefore, you may need to prepare yourself to fight to protect your boundaries.

But, I want you to know this. Having boundaries is not wrong nor is it selfish. Neither is expressing the freedom to be yourself and asserting your right not to be violated

If you have no boundaries, you get no respect.

However, any time you don’t set boundaries, you give up your rights to be treated with dignity and respect. You end up looking like a simp.

People will only take advantage of you and, over time, they will get comfortable with doing so. Even worse, you will come to be known as the poor sucker that everyone can crap on and attract more of the same from total strangers.

In that, you make yourself susceptible to being a scapegoat and target of bullying.

Being overly friendly, overly accommodating, and too available does not win respect. It will only does the opposite because people will take your kindness for weakness. In short, you hand over your personal power.

Whereas, when you do set boundaries, you enact your autonomy and speak from a place of self-care and self-love. In doing this, you take your personal power back.

when you set boundaries, you take back your personal power

Again, setting boundaries won’t be easy. In fact, it will probably make some people angry. However, understand that if people become angry at you for having personal boundaries, it’s because they’re afraid they’ll no longer be getting the benefits they’ve enjoyed… benefits they’ve been getting at your expense!

Moreover, you not only set boundaries but you also need to enforce them!

You must have the courage to keep setting those limits no matter how others feel or how they react. If your boundaries offend people, tough cookies.

Stick to your guns. Keep fighting for your right to be treated with respect. Show them that you will stand up to them no matter what they do, and eventually, they’ll get tired and realize that you aren’t worth the effort. They’ll go find an easier target.

So, always set boundaries and be prepared to fight to protect them.

3. If you want to stop being a scapegoat, you must refuse to engage with the people who scapegoat you.

In other words, if others blame you for things that happen that are beyond your control, it’s time to walk away for good.

If they try to blame you for something they or someone else is guilty of, refuse to accept blame and tell them to take a walk. Then never speak to them again.

Also, if people are constantly projecting their own wrongdoings and shortcomings onto you, don’t associate with them any longer. They’re a waste of your time.

Realize that you are not a dumping ground for all their baggage. So, have nothing more to do with them. Give them the old heave-ho because they do not deserve a place in your life.

This may be difficult to do, especially if the people who scapegoat you happen to be members of your family. However, if you want to stop this abuse, sometimes, it means making a few heartbreaking decisions.

4. If you want to stop being a scapegoat, you’ve got to Rock it!

Grey-rock it, that is!

Grey rocking a bully means showing no emotion toward their behavior and only giving short, one-word answers to them. It also means to keep minimal contact with them. In other words, you wait long periods of time between seeing them and wait a long time before answering their texts.

In short, it means acting like you just don’t care what they say and having a little interacting with them as humanly possible.

Although this can be easier said than done, and the bully may or may not lose interest and go away right then, it’s a good tactic if your goal is to stop being a scapegoat.

You may have to repeat it again and again before your bullies will get the message, but, if nothing else, you’ll feel better about yourself knowing you finally took back your coconuts and stood up to the creeps.

5. Practice Self-Care and Compassion.

How you do this is to practice making affirmations to yourself every day. Say to yourself, “I am not the guilty party,” or “I will not be a victim of their blame game,” “I am a good person regardless of how they treat me,” or “I am perfectly fine without them.

Also, establish a support network. Choose genuine people as friends and keep company only with those who lift you up. Dress however makes you feel good. Treat yourself to a pampering session at a nice spa or a new hairdo or hair cut.

Do the things that you love doing and that make you feel alive. Work on your hobbies and pursue your goals and dreams. The trick here is to work on you and to give yourself the love and care that others aren’t giving you. Self-care is great because it can help counteract the negativity your bullies throw at you.

This post was all about how to stop being a scapegoat, giving you steps to help you assert your right not to be blamed for other peoples’ behavior or mistakes, and take back your personal power.

A related post you will enjoy:

1. Reasons Why People Bully- 7 Most Common Motives

Instantly Expose Bullies

7 Secrets to Instantly Expose Bullies

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Instantly Expose Bullies

‘Want to know how to instantly expose bullies for who they are and get your life back? We must learn how to do this effectively if we even hope to regain peace in our lives and reclaim our personal power.

in this post, you will learn 7 secrets to instantly expose bullies.

Fortunately, there are several things you can do to rip the mask off and keep yourself safe. Introducing, 7 secrets to instantly expose bullies and unleash your power. These are things that I learned through trial and error and wish I had known when I was young and enduring bullying myself.

However, know that there will be a certain degree of risk involved. But also know that you take a risk each day by walking outside. Risk is something no one can escape unless they want to live a meaningless life.

  1. Know your enemy.

    How you do this is to stand back and always OBSERVE the people around you, but without looking like you are watching them. Pay close attention to body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. I can’t stress enough the importance of this. This is how you find out who the trouble makers are.

    In other words, if you see another student gossip and make trouble for others, you can be sure that in time, they will do the same to you. This is how I now know who to avoid at all costs. However, be advised that avoidance will not work if you have a determined bully after you. If a person wants to get to you badly enough, they will seek you out until they find you.

  2. Document everything.

    As it has been said, “if it isn’t documented, it never happened”. Keep a journal and write down everything. I did this in junior high and high school just in case one of my bullies either hurt me bad enough to hospitalize me, or worse…killed me.

    Moreover, you must write down the names of your bullies, the names of any bystanders or authority (teachers, principal, or any member of authority) present at the time the altercation took place, the date, time, place it happened, what happened and if possible, why it happened. Also, record what is said and by whom. Document every… single… detail!!

3. Never reveal anything that you wouldn’t want anyone to know.

You’ll be asking for trouble and it’s better to be safe than sorry. You never know when your bullies might turn them against you. And once they do, you can be sure that your former friends will be more than happy to tell all!

4. Keep a low profile.

Don’t do anything that may draw attention to yourself. And stay away from places the bullies may gather. Think, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Just don’t make it obvious to your bullies that you are ducking and dodging them. I avoided several confrontations by simply laying low.

However, if the bullies do seek you out, they will risk exposing themselves because the people who know you and aren’t influenced by the bullies will see what is going on and know they are stalking you.

So, keep that in mind as well.

  1. Save any threatening texts, emails, social media messages or voicemails. 

And if possible, set your cellphone to record during any altercation brought on by a bully, provided it is hidden in your pocket. You certainly do not want the bully to know what you are doing.

Also, keep your composure and be sure not to tarnish the recording by yelling or using foul language. Schools are now becoming more aware of the issue of bullying. If you happen not to have a cellphone, keep a digital recorder handy (if possible) and be ready to record as soon as the torment starts.

  1. Never brag about any evidence you have on your bullies.

Not even to your best friend…PERIOD! Again, bullies have a knack for prying information out of people, even your friends. They can also turn your friends against you, making them more than happy to volunteer the information. Don’t do it! Anytime you are a target of bullies, you are in no position to trust anyone!

  1. Call the bully out in front of an audience. 

This is risky and could bring retaliation. However, the bully will also know that you are on to him/her and you just might intimidate them enough that they will leave you alone. It happened for me on a few occasions. But keep in mind that this doesn’t happen for everyone.

Calling the bully out in front of people can also humiliate the bully and make that person more determined to get you. So access the bully’s personality and the situation carefully before you decide to do this. Also, you could, very slyly, force the bully to expose him/herself. You can learn how, right here.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

7 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

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One thing I’m certain of is that every target of bullying, has at some point asked either themselves or another person these questions: “Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”

Here are the answers, and there are many:

1. Bullies are very convincing liars.

Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what does not work. They are master manipulators who acquire great skill in the arts of deception.

Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are wordsmiths and con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.

2. Bullies often use projection.

They project all their faults and shortcomings onto their targets, making the target look like the bully and themselves look like the victim. When they face possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry and feign victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.

3. Bullies are very charming to the right people.

Consequently, people can use this as another weapon against a target. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Because of this, they have a way of winning people over and making them their allies.

The reason charming bullies use their good reputations as a weapon against any target is because, with this good name, the bully has everyone (except the target) fooled. Others cannot believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone. Take a look at the outgoing guy that everyone loves.

No one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.

4. Because this person has so many friends who cherish them.

Even if these friends did witness them undertake any wrongdoing, they will still more than likely cover-up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on the target.

5. There is strength in numbers.

Most bullies have a large number of friends behind them. And people in large numbers wield a cumulative power that can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent individuals. To put it plainly, if enough people actively hate a certain person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful, or easy-going they may be.

6. Bullies use gaslighting.

In other words, they add their own spin to make you look and feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips- trying to convince you that it’s your own fault or that the abuse is just your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

7. Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility:

Moreover, they recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you. This occurred to me regularly in school. My bullies would do this for my having the gall to stand up to them and refuse to take their abuse.

There were several different benefits from the execution of this strategy.

1. It could be used to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most who have been in school have a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal.

2. Destroying the target’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of him being listened to, should the target run and “tattle” to members of the authority. Again, protecting them from discipline at school and allowing them the freedom to do whatever they want to the target whenever they feel like it.

3. It’s used to silence the target and make him/her afraid to report the bullying or speak out about it.

Schoolboy angel with wings and halo concept for being clever, good, successful in education or smug

Targets get the blame because, sadly, the attitudes of most bystanders and members of authority are these:

“Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?”

“Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”

After all, who will look any further than the child with the worst reputation anytime a confrontation arises? If people expect trouble to come from a certain place, that is where they’re going to look. Therefore, the target is under suspicion and the bully gets off scot-free.

It is all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and, therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.

Targets not only need the confidence to fight to bully but also the knowledge of bullies. The first step of defense is knowing the mindsets and intentions of bullies and the tactics they use. Fortunately, there is a way for those in authority to find out who the real target is. However, they must know what to look for and the target also needs this knowledge in case they have to point it out to them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Signs You’re Being Conditioned

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toxic brainwashing

Conditioning happens when others brainwash and train you to believe something. Therefore, evil and terrible abuses get “normalized.” When you’re a target of bullying, bullies will try to condition you to roll over and take their abuse.

Conditioning doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, incremental, bit-by-tiny-bit process that can also be soft and subtle. So, how do you know your bullies have conditioned you?

You know by the feelings you have.

1. If you feel guilty for speaking out and reporting bullying to authority, your bullies have conditioned you.

2. When you feel that the bullying is your fault, your bullies have conditioned you.

3. Anytime you feel like a mean and cruel person for standing up for yourself, your bullies have conditioned you.

4. If you feel guilty about saying no to anyone, your bullies have conditioned you.

Are you angry yet?

What are the statements bullies use to condition you? And what do those statements condition you to think and feel? Let’s find out:

1.“Bullying is a rite of passage that everyone goes through.”

This statement conditions you to believe that bullying is normal. But it’s anything but! Bullying is sick, perverse, and damaging to the target. So, say, “Oh no, it’s not!” And be very firm when you say it.

2.“You ‘made me’ hit you!”

This statement conditions you to believe that bully’s despicable behavior is your fault- that you somehow caused the bully to get out of line and that you deserved what you got. Again, this is a blatant lie!

No one deserves bullying and abuse. You have a right to feel and be safe. And you have a right to open your mouth and be heard. Therefore, you counter the bully’s statement by saying, “No, I did not!” And say it with full conviction!

3.“You had it coming!”

“You asked for it!”

“You’re bringing it all on yourself!”

Again, these statements condition you to believe that you’re to blame for the bullies’ horrid behavior.

Consequently, bullies hoodwink you into thinking their evil actions are your fault, and that you deserved it. NOT true! Remember that bullying is abuse, and no one deserves it. Say, “No, I didn’t!” or “No, I don’t, and you know it!” Be stern!

4. “You’re always trying to start something!”

“You’re always making waves.”

“Don’t rock the boat!”

“You’re always making trouble!”

“You just keep pushing it!”

“Don’t push it!”

Again, these are lies and ways to deceive you into silence.

Don’t’ fall for it. Counter the bully’s claims and always, always do it with a tone of conviction.

PTSD

5. You’ll also be accused of:

“Making a mountain out of a molehill!”

“Making something out of nothing!”

“Acting like a crybaby!”

“Being a liar!”

“Being crazy!”

“Not knowing what you’re talking about!”

Just the same, it’s all lies. Counter with “No, I’m not!” or “I know exactly what I’m talking about! I know what you’re trying to do, and I won’t accept it!”

Understand that you’ll hear these statements anytime you attempt to set boundaries and stand up to bullying and abuse. Realize that bullies hate it when you stand against them. Most would cut off their right arm before they’d ever admit to any wrongdoing.

NEver Be Afraid to Speak In Your Own Behalf.

Therefore, don’t let it deter you. Keep standing up. Continue defending yourself. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Because, if you don’t,  no one else will either. So, all you have is you. In a situation of bullying, all you have is your voice. Use it! Don’t lose it!

Start saying no, and do it often. However, realize that you can’t change a bully. And if the bullies resist (and they more than likely will), be ready for possible retaliation. And if they do retaliate and still don’t respect your commands for them to stop, again, it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility.

Moreover, it isn’t because you weren’t firm enough. And don’t think it was because you aren’t any good at standing up for or defending yourself. It’s because your bullies are a bunch of pathetic, self-entitled turds. Realize that bullies are abusers. Abusers have a talent for conditioning their victims. Therefore, abusers expect the rest of the world should bow down and kiss their asses. Nothing more.

Don’t fall for their power plays. Stand up, stand tall, and stand firm no matter what.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Know Who the Real Target of Bullying Is

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When you witness bullying, it can be difficult to know which person is the bully and which is the target. Why? Because most bullies are cunning, clever, and covert. Therefore, not all bullies resort in physical violence, where they leave bruises, cuts, and broken bones that are easy to see. Many bullies use psychological tactics and emotional manipulation to bully and abuse their targets.

Also, they many use psycho/emotional methods to set the target up for physical violence or to get into trouble with authority. Remember that bullies have ways of slyly provoking the target and setting them up to look like the aggressor.

Additionally, bullies have ways of gaslighting you and making you doubt your own sanity. They have a knack for manipulating your emotions and making you feel guilty for things you aren’t guilty of. These people also have ways of brainwashing you over time and turning you against yourself. They know how to make you feel as if you did something to justify their mistreatment and abuse.

And sadly, once they do, you won’t know how to save yourself from those who accuse you of perpetuating the bullying, label you, and penalize you unjustly. You’ll have difficulty identifying and naming the tactics bullies are using against you. Therefore, you won’t know how to explain what is happening to you or report the bullying without sounding like you’re rambling.

And worst, your bullies and the circumstances they force on you will convince you and those in power that you are the culprit. If you happen to be the person who witnesses someone else being bullied, you’re likely to point a finger at the wrong person.

Therefore, if you want to know who the real target of bullying is,

ask yourself who has the least power.

Ask yourself who has the least social capital.

Other questions you should ask are as follows:

Who has the least influence?

Who has the least friends?

Which of these individuals is liked or loved the least.

Which of these people is most hated.

Ask yourself which person people can openly abuse and get away with it.

Once you know the answers to these questions, the answer will be crystal clear.

 

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Othello’s Error: Why Targets Take the Blame

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William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) on engraving from the 1800s. English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language. Published in London by L.Tallis.

Othello’s Error often happens in police interrogation rooms and principal’s offices.

It comes from Shakespeare’s play, “Othello.”  In the play, the main character, Othello, assumes that his wife, Desdemona, is having an affair. The reason he believes this is because of her nervous response when he questions her.

In reality, Desdemona is innocent.

However, Othello  questions her in a aggressive and volatile manner. And this makes the poor wife nervous. Even worse, Othello takes her nervousness as a sign of guilt.

Sadly, his often occurs in real life.

many fingers pointed at scapegoated employee, concept of accusation

Often, targets become nervous when someone questions them aggressively. The questioner then misreads the response. taking it as a sign that the person is lying or hiding something. It’s how so many people have gotten blamed for something they didn’t do.

Just as nervousness is mistaken for deception, the show of confidence is mistaken for honesty and trustworthiness. As we all know, bullies are well-known for feigned confidence and false bravado.

Targets of bullying are always nervous, and rightfully so. Who wouldn’t be if they were constantly abused, smeared, shamed, threatened, and attacked?

Victim Blaming word cloud

People tend to rush to the first possible explanation that fits what they want to see. Should it be any wonder why people blame targets and let bullies go scot-free?

After the abuse goes on for so long, targets learn to expect more of the same. And they usually get it. In other words, the expectation of such treatment brings more of the same. As a result, the target grows more nervous with each occurrence.

As the target grows more nervous, bystanders and authorities grow more and more suspicious of him.

The fact is that nervousness has several reasons, and the mistake often occurs in the decoding of it and not the observation!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies and Self-Victimization

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To put it in simplest terms, bullies target someone less powerful, then claim the opposite, that the target is bullying them. It’s a classic move and, gladly, it’s easy to expose if you know the playbook and know what to look for.

Therefore, any time a bully targets you and you call them out for it, you must expect this to happen and prepare for it. Expect them to cry “bully” when you dare to stand up for yourself or to speak out.

Realize that bullies despise resistance to their abuse, and, even worse, they hate it when you expose them. Any time bullies meet resistance to their evil, deceptive manipulations, voila! They suddenly claim that you are bullying them!

Conveniently Reversing the Roles

Bullies very convincingly cast themselves as so marginalized, so fragile, and so oppressed. Moreover, they label anyone who dares to call them out on their shit as “bullies.” They call any criticisms or even questions of their actions and behavior as “bullying.” Convenient, no?

Bullies do this by crying crocodile tears, using trending tropes of the day, and rationalizing their behavior. Therefore, they make everyone believe that they were only defending themselves or reacting to your bullying. And trust me, they’re good at it.

Bullies instinctively know that the best way to silence criticisms and reports of their ugly ways is to self-victimize. And sadly, it works like a charm!

blame point fingers

Fortunately, society is just now catching on to this and it’s long overdue. Also, there are names for this that didn’t exist thirty years ago. If they did exist then, they weren’t well-known. So, targets can now call these tactics by name and better describe what’s happening to them.

Every day, society is learning more and more about the bully-target dynamic. This, in itself, is promising to targets.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Three B’s of Bullying

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bullying charlie brown lucy

Believe it or not, there is a method to the bully’s madness. Bullies are master life-chess players. They put a lot of forethought into their attacks against their targets. Always. Here’s how bullies can bully and get away with it.

Baiting

First, a bully slyly baits her intended target by provoking her for a reaction. If the target blows it off and fails to react, the bully meticulously and subtly intensifies the taunts. They will wear her down, over time, until they achieve the desired reaction. And they often do this in the presence of bystanders and witnesses. A bully is very much aware that everyone has a breaking point.

gossip rumors lies bitches

Bashing

Once the target reaches his limit and reacts (yelling, telling the bully off, cursing the bully out, punching the bully in the face, etc.), the bully weasels his way into the hearts of bystanders and authority, using superficial charm and charisma to feign victimhood.

The bully bashes the target by using her perfectly normal reaction as proof of the target’s “mental illness” or “meanness.” They very meticulously make it look as though the target is at fault. And bullies do this to distract others from their own evil actions, projecting guilt onto the target.

victim blame It's your fault

Blaming

Once the bully has succeeded in turning everyone against the target, she entices others to join her in shaming the target. Everyone may gang up on the victim, making statements such as, “Aww! You just need to toughen up!” or “Can’t you take a joke?”

Others may accuse the target of “bringing it all on herself” when in reality, the opposite is true. It is the bully who has harassed the target for months, even years. It reality, the target has tried to handle the abuse calmly and objectively. However, after so long, she only succumbs to exhaustion and reach her limit.

Moreover, when the target reports the abuse, the guilt is placed on the her and the bully goes unpunished. Then the bully takes the impunity as a green light for future torment. All the while, others see the target in a very negative light, with no other choice but to endure the torment in silence. The target will often clam up because they know they will only further tarnish her already damaged reputation. And why not? By this point, there’s a strong chance that no one will believe her anyway.

bullied victim blame blaming burned at the stake effigy

Each time the target makes a report, others who are often in a position to help, blow her off, thinking that the torment is justified. The bully then becomes more emboldened and the victim becomes more devastated and damaged.

The more brazen the bully becomes, the higher the degree to which the harassment escalates. Therefore, the more frequent and intense the attacks become. And it continues until the targete is maimed, is killed, is removed, or transfers schools to escape the torment or commits suicide.

Widening the Imbalance of Power

The bully benefits from the feeling of power and control she gets from mistreating her target and getting away with it.  Moreover, this gives the bully a sense that she is invincible and untouchable. The bully also enjoys the sympathy and petting others give her.

This strategy is also used as a means of striking fear into and silencing the target. It discourages any future attempts at speaking out and exposing the bully for what they truly are. And what they are, are cowardly, sniveling pieces of human filth.

bullying baiting

If bullies target you for abuse, you already know too well how it feels to be mistreated and then blamed for your own torment. It’s horrible enough to be constantly harassed, but to be blamed for that harassment is downright devastating. It leaves you feeling completely powerless!

Understand that this is just another weapon the bully uses and how she tricks people into allowing her to continue her bad behavior with impunity. And it is nothing new! Bullies have always used this method.

So, remember the 3 ‘B’s- Bait, Bash, and Blame and I believe that you will be better able to explain your situation when you report the harassment. At the same time, be expectant of what bullies are likely to do.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is DARVO and How do You Spot It?

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DARVO is just another term for gaslighting but is more in-depth. Bullies will discredit the victim by discrediting the claims.

DARVO is an acronym that stands for:

D – Deny – Anytime the target calls out their bullies’ abuse, the bullies will first deny the behavior. Bullies will counter with things like,

“That’s not what I said.”

“That never happened.”

“That’s not what I did.”

Or, they may not necessarily deny it, but may minimize their behavior by saying things like:

“It wasn’t that serious.”

“I didn’t hit you that hard. That was a love-pat compared to what I could’ve done to you.”

“If I was mad, you’d know it.”

A – Attack – Next, the bullies will attack you. They will discredit you by discrediting your claims. Also, bullies will use gaslighting to make you question or doubt yourself. And they will say to you, things like:

“You’re overreacting.”

“You’re crazy.”

“But you’re just looking for a fight.”

“You’re a drama queen.”

“You’re being paranoid.”

“But you’re being difficult.”

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

“You just won’t leave well enough alone.”

R – Reverse

V – Victim

and

O – Offender – The bullies will blame you for their behavior. They’ll claim that you did something to them to make them act the way they acted. Therefore, your bullies will make statements such as:

“It’s your fault.”

“You asked for it.”

“But you had it coming.”

“You made me hurt you.”

“You’re the bully, not me!”

I want you to know that DARVO has been around since the beginning of time, only today, it has a name. Down through history, it’s been the most common manipulation tactic of psychological abusers. Only 24 years ago did someone put a name to it! DARVO came from the work of psychologist Jennifer Freyd, PhD, who first introduced the term in late 1997.

You can read more about Dr. Freyd and DARVO here:

https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Sexual Harassment and the Bullied Girl

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Sexual abuse in schools with a warning sign of a sex predator abusing and attacking young innocent student victims represented by a yellow hazard sign with the criminal act illustrated as a symbol.

Often, when a girl is a target of bullying, the torment she suffers leaves her wide open for sexual harassment.

And this isn’t discussed enough. The harassment can range from inappropriate and embarrassing comments to unwanted physical touching. Though I’m female and am writing this post from a female perspective, I do realize that this can happen to bullied young men as well.

I cannot tell you how many stories I’ve heard from other female victims and survivors of bullying.  And I can relate because, numerous times, my bullies subjected me to this type of behavior when I was in junior high and high school. Young creeps on the bus, in the halls or the lunch line, would sneakily run a hand up my skirt, put their hands on my behind and other such disgusting acts.

As any woman or girl knows, when people hurl sexual comments at you, grope,  and feel you up, it leaves you feeling cheap and violated. And your first thought is to blame yourself. You wonder what you did to bring it about.

“Was my dress too short?”
“Were my jeans too tight?”
“Did I have on too much makeup?”

Even worse is when other girls blame you.

Yes! This happens all the time but most girls are silent about it. Other girls only assume that you “must have done something to make him do it”- that somehow, you “asked for it.”

Such incidences can attract the ire of the guys’ jealous girlfriends. Therefore, these girlfriends will accuse you of trying to steal their boyfriends. All the while, the pig who violated you walks away free as a bird. This only doubles the victimization. It’s no different from what a rape victim goes through!

Bullied girls can also be sexually harassed by other girls as well, only in different ways.

Girls harass other girls by verbal means, making statements such as,

“Nobody will $%#! you.”
“I’ll bet you’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”
”You’d $%&# anything that moves!”

These are only a few. I’ve heard worse. Sometimes, the other girls will encourage the boys to harass the victim sexually, then turn it around on her, calling her a whore, slut, floozy- take your pick.

In school, I knew another bullied girl who others referred to as “Tuna Fish.” I’ll say no more.

Sexual harassment at work and workplace. Touch knee. Movement against sexual harassment

Understand that any time a female is the object of bullying, she has comments and remarks directed at her which are unspeakable. They’re so horrible and explicit that you don’t dare repeat them by mouth, much less write it in a book or article.

There is no limit to the low that bullies won’t sink.

They can be inventive to the raunchiest, raciest, dirtiest, most vile, hurtful and demeaning comments and actions. And anyone who hasn’t been on the receiving end of such would be shocked if they heard or saw some of the things a bullied girl has.

Understand that bullies show a side to their targets they would never in a million years show to anyone else.

Objects of bullying witness firsthand the shocking evil and cruelty of which people are capable, and they see the absolute darkest sides of the human character.

Bullies are experts at fooling bystanders and authority.

They are highly skilled at manipulating a social infrastructure. Bullies are also very aware that if the victim reports such abuse, others will not believe her. Why? Because the same bullies have meticulously ruined her once good reputation. And who’s going to take the word of someone with a notoriously bad name?

Understand that bullies will only show the worst sides of their characters to their victims and no one else. And why not? To bullies, the victim is both inferior and powerless.

When a person believes that you are inferior and powerless, they could care less about what you think of them.

As far as they’re concerned, any opinions you have are irrelevant. Whereas, anyone the bullies see as equals or superiors will only see the best sides of their character.

With that said, if you are a bullied female, I want you to know with every fiber of your being that it isn’t your fault. Know that you never asked for that kind of behavior, nor brought any of it on yourself.

And if you are bullied and endure sexual harassment, do not take any blame for it. And for goodness sake, don’t be afraid to report it! Know that bullying will not last forever. When I became an adult, the bullying stopped, and I am now very well-liked, loved, and respected.

I want you to know that this is only one chapter in your life, not the entire book. You too can overcome and move on to love, happiness, and success. Just don’t give up! You are beautiful! You are a great person despite what others may tell you or how they may treat you. And there are people who love you and care for you!

You are worth fighting for! You are worth living for!

Define Yourself or Other People Will Do It for You

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Bullies may think they know you, and they may attempt to define who you are, but only you know the definition of who you are. By having the audacity to tell us who we are, not only to bullies attempt to force us to replace our thoughts of ourselves with theirs, they also try to play God.

In doing this, bullies also want to force us to deny our beliefs and convictions, and ultimately, deny ourselves. They want us to tell ourselves that what they did to us was all in our minds and only make-believe when it is they who are in a world of make-believe.

Understand that to accept someone else’s definition of you; you must discard your own. When we allow bullies to dictate our inner reality, we lose bits and pieces of ourselves. Also, little by little, we lose awareness of our emotions each time we allow them to do it and eventually grow numb.

For example, when we cry about a legitimate hurt that cuts us to the core, bullies will often invalidate the pain we feel and replace it with their perceptions of it.

They do it by making these biting statements:

“It isn’t that serious!”

“You’re too sensitive!”

“Oh, boo-friggin-hoo! You’re just a little cry baby trying to get attention!”

 “Grow up!”

 “Put your big-girl panties on!”

“Get over it!”

Understand that when you feel sadness, you feel sadness, and when you’re angry, you’re angry, and you should allow yourself and be allowed to feel those emotions. No one has a right to tell you how to feel. Ever!

Motivational inspirational be your own hero

In making these types of statements and accusations, bullies cause many targets to feel guilty for being a human being- for being a person. But realize that bullies don’t see you as a person with thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and convictions of your own. They see you as an abject- a robot they can control.

Bullies don’t see you as an independent and separate being. They see you as a subject who’s only here for their purpose, pleasure, and entertainment. In their minds, your sole purpose on earth is to make them feel powerful. Nothing more. So, instead of allowing you to own your truth, bullies will tell you what your truth is- or should be. And they’ll force-feed it to you and cram it down your throat.

Therefore, this is the kind of response you should expect from bullies.

And if you’re not careful, you’ll allow their statements to overtake you and, in that, allow their perceptions to replace yours. You’ll begin to see yourself through their eyes until you let them blind you to your true nature. You’ll slowly lose sight of yourself until you don’t know who you are anymore.

Even worse, you’ll lose the intuition that they’re abusing you and will no longer know when to protect yourself- you’ll grow numb to the abuse. Realize that this is how bullies and abusers train you not to defend yourself, and once they succeed, they then have you right where they want you- this is how bullies slowly and subtly take the fight out of targets and render them pacifists.

Understand that you must muster the strength to withstand your bullies’ attacks, do all you can to maintain your sense of self, and refuse to accept your bullies’ opinions and definitions of you. Never allow others to trick you into believing that they know you better than you know yourself. The truth is that you know yourself better than anyone else in the entire world because you’re the only one other than God who lives inside you.

Realize that bullies are persistent, so targets must maintain their sense of self and their clarity of who they are. Your beliefs, convictions, likes, dislikes, preferences, authenticity, autonomy, and your ability to decide when something doesn’t feel good add up to equal your definition and your truth.

Your self-definition, sense of self, self-belief, autonomy, confidence, self-esteem are like precious gems, and you must guard them against thieves who wish to take them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

5 Myths About Bullying We Need to Be Aware of

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Myths are often mistaken for fact and obscure people’s judgment. They can also blind us to bullying behavior, even when it’s happening right in front of our faces. Myths can even make it hard for a person to know when someone is abusing them.

Here are a few myths to be aware of:

Myth 1. Targets are weak losers who deserve bullying. People suffering at the hands of bullies are not weak, nor are they losers. In the past decade or so, we have found that bullies target mostly those who are good people with hearts of gold. Bullies are evil people who perceive goodness, kindness, and generosity as weaknesses. Therefore, they target people who have these qualities.

Also, bullies go after those who are multi-talented and star achievers and performers. Understand that bullies perceive these people to be a threat to their power. Why? Because one-upmanship is a way that bullies can feel powerful.

When high-achieving targets outshine bullies, especially bullies who are narcissists, they unwittingly provoke jealousy and narcissistic rage in the bullies, and they will pull out all the stops to make them pay and set them up to fail. If nothing else, understand this! Bullies hate to be outshone, outdone, or beaten at anything!

Nobody deserves bullying. Ever! Bullying is harmful and can destroy someone’s life.

Myth 2. Bullies are brave, strong, cool, exciting, and in control. Ha! Bullies are the opposite of these things. Let me break it down for you:

Bullies are brave. Nope! Bullies are great, big cowards! They’re only good at hiding it. Bullies live by the motto that strength comes in numbers, so they run around in packs- hiding their cowardice behind groups of sycophants or flying monkeys.

You will never catch a bully alone because a bully doesn’t know how to stand alone. The followers of the bullies are there to back them up and do their dirty work. Bullies get their power from an entourage. Without their wing-men to cover them, they would be powerless.

Bullies are strong. ‘Taint so! Bullies are weak, they only high it by aggression, loudness, and false bravado. They instill unnecessary fear into their targets. Understand that bullies draw their power from the fear they instill in others. Bullies are notorious bluffs, blowhards, and windbags. The tough act they put on is a way they hide their weakness.

Bullies are cool. Au contraire! Bullies are pathetic. They bluff, they posture, and they’re notorious one-uppers. They always have to be king of the hill and better than anyone else. All of this is a sign of insecurity and self-loathing. Because if they were secure in themselves, they wouldn’t resort to that buffoonery.

 Bullies are exciting. They may seem exciting at first, but they get boring pretty quick. Because they’ll talk incessantly about themselves, brag, and showboat until you’ll want to chew off your own arm just to get away from them. Also, they won’t be so exciting when they turn on you.

 Bullies are in control: Really? Is that what you want to call it? Um…not! Bullies can’t even control themselves and their own pathetic lives. So, they seek to control others in order to feel powerful. And in doing that, they not only create targets, but they also create enemies who hate them with a passion.

If you’re a bully, you may only control someone to a certain degree by putting the fear of God in them, but you’ll never control what they think of you and how they feel about you. Because the mind and thoughts are free. And if you run across a person who has a strong sense of self and doesn’t fall for your guff, what are you going to do then?

Myth 3. “Bullying is a normal rite of passage that all kids endure.” Not so. There’s nothing normal about bullying. It’s perverse, twisted, and sick. Bullying only speaks volumes of the mental imbalance and lack of character of the bully and is never a reflection of the target. Bullying is always a reflection of the bully’s arrogance, cowardice, insecurity, jealousy, and hidden rage. And the more we learn about the issue of bullying, the more evidence we seem to get that supports this.

Myth 4. Bullying builds character. No, it doesn’t. It tears it down or suppresses it, rendering targets afraid to relax, be themselves, and feel safe.

Myth 5. Bullying is only Darwinism, Natural Selection, or Survival of the Fittest. It may be a dark part of human nature, but a reason doesn’t equal an excuse. Bullies and their enablers often use this little line as an excuse to normalize their despicable and pathetic behavior.

It’s important to dispel and not to fall for these myths. Never blame yourself for other people’s crappy behavior. Hold on to your truth. And if anyone rattles off any of the above lines to you when you speak out against bullying, counter them and do it with conviction.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

“Offended” Bullies

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Isn’t it strange that, nowadays, we have so many people who are so easily offended? With that said, bullies are easily offended. In fact, bullies have such fragile egos that it takes zero effort to offend them- especially if you’re a target. Just your mere presence is an insult to them.

Understand that people who are easily offended take things completely out of context- automatically attaching meaning to the behavior of others, when, in reality, it’s completely devoid of personal meaning. Bullies and anyone easily offended have a flair for turning neutrality into a personal affront or confrontation.

They conjure up meanings out of exchanges from others that are totally impersonal. With these paranoid pansies, it’s always:

“She doesn’t agree with everything I say, do, and think, so that means she doesn’t like me!”

“He has a different opinion than me, so that means he’s looking down his nose at me!”

“She doesn’t like the same things I like, so that means she hates me!”

These sad, and often hateful, people automatically presume to know what the other is thinking and feeling.

In life, you will run into these types of people. That’s why it’s best to either divert the conversation to a neutral subject or walk away because they aren’t worth the energy expenditure.

Understand that bullies and the easily offended place entirely too much value and investment in how they are thought of by others. This is no way for a person to live. Anytime you place too much importance in how others evaluate you, you give them too much power over you- you make yourself their prisoner. You make yourself their servant- for free!

Bullies place too much value on their social images. They have a nasty habit of being too occupied with their imaginary views of how others think of them. They over-analyze the images others may (or may not) have of them. They must realize that this is a waste of time because it will never have any bearing on their (the bullies’) lives.

Back in the days of the cavemen, people had to be accepted by their in-group because it was a matter of life and death. To not be accepted in their in-group put the person at risk of starvation and extinction, especially it that person was a woman.

Thankfully, not so today. Nevertheless, if a bully feels they’re being insulted or made to look weak or stupid, they see it as the end of the world. The threatened loss of their gleaming reputations and becoming an outcast, to them, spells catastrophe!

Here are a few examples of the disease of over-offense:

1. Bully supervisors become offended and enraged at an employee for making a minor mistake because they take it too personally. Therefore, they wish to punish their victim- forever!

They see the other person as an enemy or adversary over one tiny mistake that was more than likely unintentional.

2. Bullies and the easily offended are also the types of people who think that when any rules or laws are applied to them, they only have the attitude that the people making the rules and laws are “picking on” them. They then feel a flash of powerlessness that prompts them to lash out.

Understand that these types of people have a child’s mentality and never matured beyond the age of six mentally and emotionally. Their tactics may be way more sophistication than a six-year-old, but inside, they still have the maturity and the attitude of one.

We must realize that the festering disease of “over-offense” is one of the causes of the societal rot that is happening today before our very eyes. And it’s the catalyst of cancel culture and other forms of senseless bullying we see happening every day.

Perhaps, it isn’t the targets of bullying who are the crybabies and who are weak. It’s the bullies and abusers themselves who have fragile and delicate little egos that get squashed like an overripe grape every time they hear, read, or see something they don’t like.

My message to these bullies is this.

It’s time to grow up and accept that the world isn’t concerned about your feelings- that life itself isn’t always going to flow the way you want it to flow and there’s nothing you can do about it. Life isn’t always fair.

If there’s anyone who is aware of the above truths in italics, it’s the target of bullying. Believe me, when I was bullied, life rarely went the way I wanted it. In fact, life really wasn’t fair for me during those days.

Life is downright horrible for targets of bullying. But few of them complain or whine about it. They either suffer in silence or they speak out about the abuse in a way that empowers them and others.

Although life really isn’t fair for targets of bullying, they do the best they can to get through each day and to achieve their goals. Most targets of bullying simply keep pushing on- they get on with it and eventually find a way to empower themselves and overcome the bullying. And those who don’t find a way to self-empowerment either don’t know how, or they’re in a position where they’re trapped.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Persistence of Bullies: They Will Not Be Deterred

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In movies and television, we see scenarios where targets stand up to bullies and automatically either get left alone or become friends with their former tormentors. However, in most cases, this is not reality. Remember that bullies are relentless.

Here are the tactics bullies use when a target stands up for themselves:

If you are a target, you must realize that bullies will not relinquish their power so easily. They will not be good sports and hand your human rights back over to you, nor will they bow out of your life gracefully. Bullies have an insatiable need to wield power over another, and without that power, they feel lost.

Why? Because bullies have no redeemable qualities and they’re losers in life. And since they can’t get power by their own merit, the only way left to get it is by ruining someone else’s life.

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Make no mistake about it. When you kick unsavory people out of your life, they will do the following:

1. They will gaslight you- by adding their spin to make you look and feel like the villain and maligning you to others to destroy your good name and credibility.

2. They will lay guilt trips- by trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

3. They may recruit followers and start a smear campaign- by recruiting followers to spread rumors and lies. They will also try to turn your friends against you. It happened to me many times and it would come as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

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4. They will turn your friends against you- Females, although becoming more and more physically violent with time, commit much of their bullying by Dividing and Conquering- attacking the targets’ relationships to turn everyone against the target to isolate them. Think about it. The chances are that your friends know your deepest, darkest secrets. They would know the most intimate details about your life. Friends are a GOLDMINE of information to bullies.

5. They will project their shortcomings onto you– Bullies have flaws and their greatest fear is having them exposed. What better way to keep their imperfections hidden than to either project them onto the target?

6. They will distract others’ attention away from their flaws by pointing out yours– What better way is there to hide their own shortcomings than putting the spotlight on yours? It shouldn’t be so easy but it is!

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If bullies can’t control you, they will control how others see you.

They use the above strategies not only to cover their backsides and to punish you for daring to grow a spine and defend yourself, but also to close you off from any possible help or protection.

Once the target is isolated, the bullies move in for the kill. Now, they can do with you whatever they choose to do, freely and with impunity because if everyone is against you, the least likely they are to report or stop the abuse. In the minds of others, you deserve what’s happening to you.

Bullies want to, figuratively, hold the target hostage, and they will resort to any means necessary to keep him/her on emotional lock down and “in their place.”

They will do it with physical violence when exclusion, subtle digs, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological abuse no longer have an impact. Bullies will commit their violence either by committing bodily harm themselves or sending someone else to do their savagery for them.

This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself because you should. However, when you do, be prepared. The torment will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. Be brave and know that none of it is your fault.

With knowledge comes empowerment!