people pleaser trauma response psychology

People Pleaser Trauma Response: 5 Adverse Events that Cause It.

January 16, 2026December 16, 2025Leave a comment

‘Want to know about the people pleaser trauma response? People pleasing is mostly a trauma response. Here are five adverse life events that can lead to fawning, along with ways to break this self-sabotaging habit.

In this post, you will learn all about the people pleaser trauma response and the five adverse events that cause it.

Once you learn all about these crucial details, you will be able to not only recognize it in yourself if it’s something you struggle with, but you will also be able to narrow down where it came from.

This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can recognize it, know what causes it, and identify all the signs of it.

People Pleaser Trauma Response

People-pleasing caused by trauma is real. Why? Because people-pleasing behavior, in general, is usually caused by some past trauma.

Let’s find out why some folks people-please.

Psychological Conditioning

Another name for people-pleasing is fawning.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, many victims of past bullying and abuse struggle with people-pleasing. Abusers have instilled the belief that, to win approval, you must bend over backwards for others. You must even tolerate shitty treatment from creeps.

So, they obey others’ demands because bullies have brainwashed them. And, not so much by words, but by their actions.

How? By retaliating and inflicting harm anytime the victim grew a spine and refused their demands. By doing this, bullies send the message that the next time you refuse to submit, they will punish you.

Moreover, they will often hurt you for daring to say “no!” Therefore, you fear asserting yourself. And you quickly adapt to having to cater to others to ensure your safety. Sadly, some victims linger on in the same situation for years on end.

It’s a hell of a way to live, and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for others’ purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment, not your own.

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Bullies don’t take no for an answer.

Bullies have a massive sense of entitlement. Moreover, they feel that they are superior to you. Therefore, they don’t take no for an answer, especially from a little peon like you.

They punish anyone who refuses their demands. And that punishment can be psychological or even physical. However, this doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to stand firm.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

The Difference Between Kindness and People-pleasing

Kindness means that you give of yourself because you want to. Those who are kind have healthy self-esteem and give out of love. However, they never give at their own expense.

However, a people-pleaser has low self-esteem. Their giving and generosity come from fear instead of love. They give because they feel no one will like them if they don’t. Or, they do it because they may suffer consequences if they don’t.

So, what are the disadvantages of people-pleasing behavior?

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

the disadvantages of People-pleasing

You end up feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!
You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.
You have no time for yourself.
Your productivity declines because other people’s priorities constrain your time.
Others lose respect for you.
It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.
You feel anger and resentment, not only at the people who constantly use you, but toward yourself for allowing them to.

If nothing else, realize this. Most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. Don’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others. You must take care of yourself first.

Now, let’s learn the signs of people-pleasing you may see in yourself.

People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Signs You’re a People Pleaser

First, what is a people-pleaser? It is someone who always puts others before themselves. In other words, they put themselves last.

Many, especially targets of bullying, will have an overwhelming urge to people-please. This is not to say that they’re bad for doing it. However, it is unhealthy because what you are doing is not only counterproductive but also self-destructive.

To know the signs, you must distinguish between kindness and people-pleasing. Again, those who are kind give of themselves out of love. Their giving comes from the heart, not self-esteem issues or fear.

So, how do you know you’re a people-pleaser?

The fear of retaliation.
The desire to be liked and win friends.
To prove your worth.
To avoid conflict.
From insecurity.
You have low self-esteem.
Feeling like no one appreciates you.
Secretly having anger and resentment toward those who use and abuse you.
Being angry at yourself for allowing it.
Others may call you a “simp.”

5 Adverse Events that Cause People-Pleasing Behavior

1. Bullying or Past Bullying.

Bullying, whether at school or work, is traumatic. If you aren’t careful, it won’t take long, and before you know it, you’ll be walking on eggshells around everyone. And that’s what causes people-pleasing behavior.

In this situation, you aren’t trying to get others to like you. You’re trying to keep them off your back. Therefore, you fawn to keep them happy. But it only produces the opposite results. Others who are evil will notice it and only exploit it.

2. People pleaser Trauma Response:

Growing Up with Child Abuse.

Child abuse is another adverse event that causes people-pleaser behavior. Children who live in abusive homes learn quickly that to stay off an abusive family’s radar, they must fawn.

In other words, they must do everything humanly possible to make the abuser happy. Why? Because they know that if they don’t, there will be hell to pay.

They develop survival habits that are normalized. And by the time these kids reach adulthood, they become a way of life.

Sadly, through their people-pleasing behavior, they only attract more abusers. And they end up a victim of bullying for life. Understand that bullies and abusers look for a trauma response. It’s how they select their victims.

3. Spousal Abuse.

Spousal abuse is so potent. Oftentimes, a person who marries an abuser is highly confident at first. However, it doesn’t take long before domestic abuse whittles their self-esteem down to nothing.

Once your self-esteem is gone, you’ll bend yourself into a pretzel to please your abusive partner. And because trying to please them rewards their behavior, they’ll only treat you worse.

4. People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Not Knowing Any Better.

You may genuinely believe that you’re being kind when, in fact, you may be overdoing the pleasantries. And the next thing you know, others are treating you like a doormat, and you don’t understand why.

You may have been raised to treat everyone as you would want to be treated. However, your guardians may not have taught you that some will take advantage of it. Therefore, you people-please without realizing it.

Again, people-pleaser behavior is a sign of trauma. And signs of trauma are what abusers look for in potential victims.

5. Emotional gaslighting.

Bullies and abusers will use emotional gaslighting when you dare to defend yourself. Understand that they do this to drag you back under their power.

Therefore, if you have a habit of people-pleasing and you begin defending yourself because you’ve grown tired of taking bullshit, look for others to gaslight you.

It’s what happens when you first begin standing up for yourself.

Here’s how to get rid of the people pleaser trauma response:

1. Establish boundaries

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect for you. Pleasers have no boundaries. Therefore, others quickly notice it and exploit it.

Setting boundaries may feel weird at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. Why? Because setting boundaries shows that you have self-respect.

It also shows that you’re not afraid to prioritize your needs, even if it makes others angry. Realize that you teach others how to treat you. And how you treat yourself depends on how you allow others to treat you.

I can’t stress this enough: trauma responses attract bullying and abuse.

2. Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, overdoing it can backfire.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give unsavory characters undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem. Moreover, you show greater power and display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less of a victim.

So, stop giving needless apologies. Realize that this overwhelming urge to over-apologize is only a knee-jerk reaction to extreme fear. Bullies and abusers can sniff fear from miles away.

3. How to Get Rid of The People Pleaser Trauma Response:

Say no.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Saying no is risky. However, saying yes to bullies won’t keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being, but it won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that saying yes to some, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself. So, never be afraid to say no and mean it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well-being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that if you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and others who don’t value you.

So, continue to do you. Others may not like it, but that’s their problem, not yours.

5. How to Get rid of the people pleaser trauma Response:

Make your needs a priority

You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you make your needs a priority, you’ll have more to give to others. Always remember that.

Realize that you don’t need to kiss ass, eat shit, and lick boots to prove your worth or ensure your safety. When you tend to people-please, you only bring more bullying and abuse into your life. Why? Because evil characters look for signs of trauma in potential victims

It isn’t your fault. However, you must still learn how to ward off bullies and attract healthy people. Standing up for yourself is how you do it.

This post is all about the people pleaser trauma response so that you can know where it comes from and how to break the bad habits that attract bullying and mistreatment.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bullying and Trauma

2. People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

3. Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

4. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying\

5. The Perfect Victim: 9 Traits Bullies Look for in Potential Targets

Saying Sorry Too Much: 4 Reasons You Do and How to Stop It

March 29, 2025March 22, 20252 Comments

‘Want to know how to stop saying sorry too much so that you can finally overcome bullying and abuse?

Is saying sorry too much making you seem like a doormat to the people around you? If so, you’re probably wondering why you do it and how to kick this self-sabotaging habit.

As someone who’s made that mistake and corrected it, I’m giving you the reasons why you do it and tips on how to stop it and re-empower yourself.

Therefore, in this post you will learn all the possible reasons why you’re in the habit of saying sorry too much and how you can drop this bad habit.

Once you learn all about this important information, you will know why you do it by seeing which reason applies to you. Moreover, you’ll be compelled to stop it so that you can reclaim your power.

This post is all about saying sorry too much, why you do it, why it sets you up for bullying, and what you can do to change it.

Saying Sorry Too Much

Saying that you’re sorry can be a good thing when you know for a fact that you’ve wronged someone. Moreover, it shows the person you’ve trespassed against that you regret whatever you’ve done to them.

When expressed genuinely, telling someone you’re sorry can help the other person to heal. Then, you both can begin to rebuild the trust that was lost and move onto a better and more rewarding relationship.

Moreover, this goes whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or familial kinship.

However, victims of bullying over-apologize as a trauma response and survival mechanism to keep from getting hurt. Even worse, they apologize to the wrong people… mainly bullies.

However, if you do this, your bullies will only throw it back at you. Why? Because they know that your apology is a trauma response.

It isn’t heartfelt. You’re only trying to keep them from harming you again. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s a typical response when you’re being bullied and only trying to survive day to day.

However, this does one of either two things. It gives the bullies a rush of power or makes them angrier and more determined to hurt you.

So, why do you apologize so much?

1. For Survival and self-preservation.

Many targets and victims of bullying over apologize for self-preservation and as a way to survive. Bullying can cause trauma. Therefore, the knee-jerk response of most victims is to over apologize.

If you fall into this category, know that the reason you do this is to avoid further bullying and abuse. The fear is such that you apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Moreover, you may do it for things that are beyond your control.

2. Saying Sorry Too Much:

You Have Low Self-Esteem.

Low self-esteem can also prompt you to over-apologize. Why? Because others, particularly bullies and abusers have brainwashed you into thinking that everything that goes wrong is your fault.

Also, you may think you must over-apologize to make people like you.

Moreover, you may feel you must apologize for things that do not warrant an apology. Your prevailing thought is, “tell them I’m sorry. Tell them anything they want to hear, and they’ll like me.

However, this usually only gets you the opposite results. Bullies see weakness in any apology but especially in over apologizing. Therefore, they will exploit it and bully you worse with it.

But even if it does save you from being brutalized, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to understand that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

You may even over-apologize during conversations. Why? Because, subconsciously, you believe your thoughts and questions aren’t worthy of consideration.

However, you must realize that questions and thoughts are understandable. Why? Because they are things that you learn and grow from.

Therefore, your voice matters just as much as anyone else’s. You must realize that you are just as important as the next person.

3. You fear judgment and rejection.

In other words, you apologize for approval and acceptance. However, you must realize that some people will never accept you no matter what you do. More importantly, you must be okay with it.

Begin putting yourself first and apologizing only when it’s absolutely necessary. Only then will your bullies and fake friends slowly begin to disappear.

Moreover, you will attract the right people into your life and make true friends.

4. Saying Sorry Too Much:

You do it out of fear of abandonment.

You might do it out of fear of abandonment when you since distance between yourself and someone you love. People who have been hurt by past lovers have a tendency to overdo it on the I’m-sorries.

Why? Because they have internalized that hurt.

You’ll say “I’m such a jerk, I’m sorry.” Or, you might say, “I’m didn’t mean to say that thing that made you angry. What I said didn’t come out right.”

You’ll say anything just to keep the person from cutting friendship ties, or breaking off the relationship.

Just to keep someone who isn’t worthy of you in your life!

However, this won’t work for long. It may for the time being. You may, in fact, lessen the danger of the person leaving… but only for now.

You may get rid of any immediate threats of abandonment. The person may hang around a little longer. But they’ll only do it out of pity!

Yuck! Do you really want someone to stick around because they feel sorry for you? Ewww!

Stop with the appeasement!

Therefore, you must stop compromising yourself. Stop degrading and humiliating yourself and start respecting yourself.

Because if you have to suppress yourself just to keep someone around, then that person doesn’t deserve you. If you have to appease someone and consistently apologize for being who you are, then they aren’t worth a nano-second of your time.

Stop apologizing just to appease people. Because, believe me, they see right through that and they will either take advantage of it or lose respect for you.

You must recognize these knee-jerk apologies as an automatic trauma-response. In other words, your CNS registers a potential fight, conflict, or distance as the threat of danger.

Moreover, your bullied mind pulls the proverbial alarm and you respond out of trauma in order to mitigate the perceived danger.

What happens when you have the habit of saying sorry too much

1. You Accept blame for things that you can’t control.

I understand that over-apologizing is something you learned to survive bullying and abuse. However, you only blame yourself for things you aren’t guilty of.

Moreover, you accept blame you do not deserve. You blame yourself for things that go wrong, even if it’s something you cannot control.

In other words, you give yourself a hard time and take responsibility for everything that goes wrong, even if it’s beyond their control.

2. You Set Yourself up to be a scapegoat.

Put another way, you set up the dynamic in your friendships and relationships where there is a power imbalance. Bullies, abusers, and other unsavory types of people can take advantage of your consistent blaming yourself and weaponize it against you.

Often, this is how bullying and abuse tends to repeat itself over and over as you get older. There are a lot of evil and lowdown people out there. Therefore, they’ll notice that you’re always apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.

As a result, they will use it to take advantage of you. This is why you continue to get bullied and abused by new bullies and abusers.

Human predators are like man-eating sharks. They see the blood in the water. In other words, predators will go after the animal in the herd who is wounded. Bullies are the same way.

This is why you should stop for a moment and do an assessment. Ask yourself, “Have I really done something wrong?”

3. Saying Sorry Too Much:

You give others the impression that you’re Trouble.

In other words, you only make others around you believe that you really are in the wrong when, in fact, the bullies are the guilty ones. Therefore, you only make it so much easier for your bullies to shirk responsibility for their evil deeds.

It gives the bullies the impression that they have power and control over you and that you will always surrender to them.

4. People lose respect for you.

Even worse, people lose respect for you because you display a lack of confidence. This gives bullies the okay to continue bullying you.

Moreover, you unknowingly decrease your value and look pathetic. You send the unspoken message that you’d rather be agreeable than honest.

5. You cheapen the value of your apologies.

Whenever a situation arises that warrants a sincere apology, others will only take your apology with a grain of salt.

Saying Sorry Too Much:

In Conclusion:

Instead, reserve your apologies only for when a situation warrants one.

When you refuse to apologize where an apology isn’t needed, it’s a sign of greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. It also shows that you have more dignity and integrity.

It pays to know when you should and shouldn’t apologize.

And for Pete’s sake! Never apologize for feeling hurt or angry at someone else’s abuse! Never! Moreover, don’t apologize for setting boundaries. You have every right to do so.

In these situations, you have a right to feel the way you do! Let no one tell you how you should feel when you’re being treated unfairly!

In other words, apologize only when you should. Not when others think you should.

Never Apologize to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

You should never apologize to a bully or an abuser. They aren’t worthy of your remorse or your apology. There’s nothing wrong with defending yourself when you need to.

Also, know that it’s perfectly okay to express your wants and needs. Remember that you are just as good as the next person. Understand that you aren’t obligated to apologize for being who you are.

Moreover, there’s nothing you need to be sorry for. Understand that each person is different and we all have our own thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and convictions. It’s a part of life.

Understand this. When people are bullying and abusing you, you have every right to be angry. You have every right to cry, to scream, to yell, and to tell them all to go pound sand.

Never be sorry for your emotions nor your responses to abuse.

This post was all about Why you get stuck saying sorry too much, the results, and Why you should only reserve an apology for a situation that warrants one.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Over Apologizing Trauma Response: 9 Easy Ways to Overcome It

2. No Apology Necessary: 8 Things You Should Never Apologize For

3. Signs of Low Self-Esteem and How to Correct It

4. What to Say Instead of Sorry: 5 Powerful Responses

5. When You Need Someone More Than They Need You: 8 Ways to Tip the Scales of Power!