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your first line of defense against bullying in school

Your First Line of Defense Against Bullying

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‘Want to know your first line of defense against bullying? The answer is so simple it may shock you.

your first line of defense against bullying

Many victims of bullying have no earthly idea what the first line of defense is because, sadly, they’ve never been taught. Or, maybe no one has taught them in a way that they would understand.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn what your first line of defense against bullying is. Moreover, you will be amazed at the answer and wonder why you didn’t know it sooner.

Once you learn this simple answer, you will be able to buffer your self-esteem against the onslaught of bullies. The beauty of this is that their attacks will seem to bounce off you as if you were wearing body armor.

This post is all about your first line of defense against bullying so that you can protect your self-esteem and face your bullies confidently.

Your First Line of Defense Against Bullying

Can you guess what it is? I’ll give you a hint. You can see it in both the introductory image and the featured images in this post.

For those of you who saw it, I’m proud of you. On the other hand, for those of you who are still trying to figure out what it is in the photos, I’m proud of you too. Want to know why?

Because it means you’re willing to learn and I love that! So, here goes.

Your first line of defense is…

CONFIDENCE!

Here are several reasons:

1. Confidence means self-acceptance.

When you are confident, you have complete self-acceptance. In other words, you accept yourself for all that you are- the good, the bad, and the downright ugly parts of yourself.

You’re not perfect and you’re okay with that because you know that there’s no such thing as a perfect person. Therefore, you allow yourself to make mistakes.

Moreover, you don’t mind people seeing you without your make-up from time to time. Instead, you’re comfortable completely barefaced when you’re working in the yard and your neighbors see it.

When they wave at you, you smile and wave back at them without worry.

2. Your first line of defense against bullying:

When You’re confident, you don’t care what people think.

You realize that some people don’t have lives and that they will talk smack about you. Moreover, you let them talk because you know who you are, what you want and what you like, even if they don’t.

Also, you know that everyone has their own opinion and that the weight of any opinion depends on your relationship with the person who holds it. Put another way, you don’t place as much value on the opinions of strangers, bullies, and abusers as you would of those who love you.

Therefore, you’re least likely to get offended and let it define you.

3. Having confidence means that you don’t worry about who does or does not like you.

This is a close cousin of not caring what people think. And because you don’t care what people think, you’re not out there, turning somersaults trying to score approval from anyone.

Moreover, you realize that there will always be those who don’t like you and never will. And do you know what the best part of this is? It’s that you’re perfectly okay with it.

Again, you know who you are and what good you bring even if they do not.

You have a small circle of friends and you’re satisfied with it. Moreover, you realize that it’s much better to have two or three true friends than a thousand fake ones.

Therefore, you’re happy with the buddies you have.

4. Your First Line of Defense Against Bullying:

When You’re Confident in who you are, you’re least likely to doubt yourself.

In other words, you trust your own instincts and can easily spot shady people when you see them. And that includes bullies.

You heed your gut any time it warns you that dangerous people are nearby or when a decision isn’t the best one.

In fact, you trust your feelings, your decisions, and your abilities.

5. When you have confidence, you’re least likely to give in to fear.

This isn’t to say that you don’t get scared sometimes because everyone does. However, you step back, analyze the fear and decide whether that fear is necessary.

For instance, let’s say that a bully at work or school tries to intimidate you. Moreover, you know that this person is a blowhard.

Therefore, instead of backing down, you stand up to the bully and tell them to piss off. Why? Because you know that bullies thrive on fear and use it to get others to give them what they want.

6. Your First Line of Defense against Bullying:

When you’re confident in yourself, you aren’t afraid to set boundaries.

In other words, when some creep tries to get in your face, talk down to you, or physically attack you, you’ll defend yourself.

You’ll either tell them to go to hell, or you’ll punch them in the nose because you refuse to be a victim. Why?

Because you’re absolutely clear with what you will and will not put up with. You know without a doubt that you deserve better. Moreover, you love yourself enough to set boundaries and to enforce those boundaries when some idiot sticks so much as a toe over them.

You give respect to others. However, you expect the same in return and won’t settle for anything less. You’re kind to others without being too nice.

In other words, you give to others. However, you won’t let them take you for granted.

7. Bullies are least likely to want to tangle with you Unless they feel threatened by you.

Now, why is that?

Because most bullies prefer to target low-hanging fruit. In other words, they’re such cowards that they prefer easy targets.

Easy targets for bullies are those with low self-esteem and those who are insecure with themselves. Bullies also like to target those they can easily intimidate and those who don’t stand up to them.

But not you! Nope!

Most bullies can sense your confidence and it only intimidates them. They know that confident people are least likely to take any shit off them.

Therefore, they’re least likely to target you. They’ll just move on to an easier target.

Now, there will be bullies who will feel threatened by you. These people will likely be those in the workplace. Therefore, they may see you as a challenge and push your boundaries.

However, you won’t be afraid to stand your ground.

8. Your First Line of Defense Against Bullying:

With Confidence, you’re not afraid to have your own opinions, beliefs and convictions.

Therefore, you hold on to those values because you understand that it’s a part of who you are.

Now, you might be thinking, “Okay. Well, all these points sound good if you’re in the earliest stages of bullying and bullies are testing you to see what you’ll do. But, what if you’ve been bullied for a long time and your self-esteem is already shot to hell? Is it too late?”

To answer your questions, it depends.

Every situation is different. For instance, if you’re in the late stage of bullying, it most likely won’t work. Why? Because, by this stage, people have grown accustomed to mistreating you.

In other words, bullying you has become a habit and habits are hard to break. Therefore, you might decide that it’s better to move on to a place where you can get a fresh start.

However, if you don’t have that option, here’s what you can do:

you Take Away Your Bullies’ Power by Re-Framing the things you’re insecure about and that they exploit.

  1. For instance, you’re a kind and easy-going person and bullies see those good qualities as a sign of weakness.

You can use those traits to uplift and give support to other targets of bullies. In doing this, you will make great friends and allies.

Remember that bullies always attack in groups. Why? Because they’re weak and afraid when they’re alone.

Therefore, when you establish a group of your own, bullies will back down because you now have friends to back you up.

2. Your First Line of Defense against Bullying:

Here’s another example. You’re painfully shy and quiet and bullies mistake those characteristics for fear.

You can use your silence to be a good listener when someone needs to talk. This too gains you close friends because the other person will feel that you’re listen to them and that you care.

Moreover, they will feel that you’re interested in them and who doesn’t love that!

3. You have a small mole that bullies make fun of.

Remember that Marilyn Monroe also had a mole just above her upper lip. But her mole was referred to as a beauty mark and it ended up being her trademark.

These are only a few examples. Find a way to re-frame what people see as weaknesses and you’ll be surprised at how quickly you take back your power.

In Conclusion:

Confidence isn’t only your first line of defense against bullies, it’s also freedom! Therefore, how you build it is to keep company only with those who love you and want the best for you.

Also, instead of wondering if people will like you, start wondering if you’re going to like them.

This post is all about your first line of defense against bullying and all that comes with it so that you can begin building your own.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bullying and Self Confidence: 7 Steps to Keeping Your Confidence Up When People Bully You

2. The Perfect Victim: 9 Traits Bullies Look for in Potential Targets

3. The Advantages of Having Enemies: 7 Powerful Positives You Can Take from It

4. Beating Bullies at Their Own Game: 9 Insanely Easy Strategies

5. Be Happy Be Yourself: 3 Benefits You Reap When You Stop Caring What Others Think

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The Advantages of Having Enemies: 7 Powerful Positives You Can Take from It

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‘Want to know the advantages of having enemies? Here are all the positives that you need to know about.

the advantages of having enemies

Many people, especially victims of bullying, belief that having enemies is a bad thing. But, what if I told you that there are positives to having enemies?

In this post, you will learn the advantages of having enemies so that you can finally feel better about having them.

Once you learn all the positives enemies can bring, your confidence will rise and you will feel so much better about yourself. Also, you will be able to more calmly and intelligently deal with any bully who comes for you.

This post is all about the advantages of having enemies that you must be aware of in order to boost your confidence and self-esteem.

The Advantages of Having Enemies

“You can tell a man’s vises by his friends, his virtues by his enemies.” – Ben Domenech.

There is value in having enemies. If you meet a person who has not one enemy, you would naturally be suspicious of that person and wonder if they’re either lying or mistaken.

However, if they do have enemies and (even better) are proud of that, it means they stood for something at some point in life. As a result, they made some people uncomfortable.

Understand that everyone has enemies. They may not admit it or may not know it, but they do have an enemy out there somewhere.

What are the advantages of having enemies?

Before we get to the advantages, let’s first discuss why it is that most people consider enemies a bad thing.

Too many people feel that they must win a popularity contest, and they go out of their way to do it. They suck up, trying to be someone they aren’t just to run with the pack.

Moreover, they  seek attention, and bully those they see as defective. What’s even sadder is that they reach a point where they don’t know who they are anymore.

The sad thing is that, in doing these self-demeaning things, they unknowingly make themselves slaves to other people’s opinions and, therefore, slaves to others.

You must know that this is a waste of time and too much work. Even worse, it chips away at your self-esteem. You end up letting yourself down to please others, and that’s not good.

Realize that the only way you can be free is to be true to yourself and let others have their opinions of you, good or bad. Realize that opinions are just that- opinions. 

Opinions are like elbows. Everybody has them and they’re are just as cheap as talk.

We must learn to re-frame our attitudes about enemies.

Enemies have a negative opinion of you. Some may dislike you and some may even hate you. However, instead of trying to win over people who can’t be won, be glad that you have enemies because enemies see you as a challenge.

Moreover, some may view you as a threat to them somehow and others may want to compete with you in something.

Therefore, rest assured that having enemies can be a good thing. It’s all in the way you look at it.

Also, realize that your enemies don’t know you on a personal level, and probably never did. They aren’t and never were anyone who matters.

The weight you should give to anyone’s opinions, thoughts, or feelings depends on who holds it and and the relationship you have with those people.

Here are the advantages of having enemies:

1. Having enemies means that you stood for something.

Whether you stood up for your beliefs and convictions, or you stood up for someone being bullied, you stood for something and that angers a lot of people.

Also, you may have refused to participate in something bad. Or, you may have refused to go along with something that could’ve gotten people hurt or killed, you had the courage to be disliked. This makes you a very brave person with integrity.

Therefore, understand that bullies and their followers lack integrity. And those who don’t have integrity are people who’s approval and acceptance you don’t need. Feel great about making enemies out of them!

2. The advantages of having enemies is that you’re not afraid to be yourself.

You’re authentically you, and that’s a good thing. Sadly, there are more fake people in the world than there are people who are genuine. So, anytime you choose to just be yourself, you will make enemies. See this as a given.

Understand that when you choose to be yourself, you choose such sweet freedom. Maybe your enemies are jealous of your freedom and the confidence and strength of character you exude. Maybe they want those characteristics that you possess but don’t know how to get them.

Also, realize that fake people feel very threatened by those who decide to be themselves because a person who is true to themselves is more likely to call them out on their fakery.

Therefore, always keep these things in mind.

3. There’s power in having enemies.

Yes! You heard that correctly!

The reason for that power is that your enemies automatically make you relevant. In an enemy’s desire to “get you,” you consume their mind. In other words, they can’t stop thinking about you and obsessing over ways to stick it to you.

Therefore, which person has the power, them or you? This is true especially if you have an enemy who hates you.

4. The Advantages of having enemies: You control your enemies whether you mean to or not.

This goes back to number three because when you control something, you have power over it, whether or not it’s intentional.

An example of this would be your enemy catching sight of you at a party or in the supermarket. A flood of negative emotions immediately washes over them. Your enemy may either lash out or they may leave. Either way, you made an impact on them, regardless if it’s negative.

That’s power!

5. You might have beat them at something.

Whether your partner chose you over them or you beat them at a contest, let’s face it. Most people are sore losers, especially nowadays.

So, instead of agonizing over it, feel good about it!

6. The Advantages of Having Enemies: They motivate you to do well.

Nothing feels better than to show up an enemy. Therefore, let that be a motivation for you to follow your dreams. Continue to follow your path, work on your goals, and live your best life!

7. They can strengthen your courage and your resilience if you let them.

 This means using your enemies as fuel to power through obstacles and get things done. Achieve and accomplish! Your enemies may or may not notice, but you will.

Celebrate the small wins you enjoy!

The Advantages of Having Enemies:

In Conclusion

Understand that anyone’s dislike or hatred of you more than likely comes from a place of ignorance, stupidity, bitterness, jealousy, or insecurity. Nothing more.

And take it with a grain of salt. Moreover, only value the opinions of those who know you- God, and those of you closest family members and friends.

It’s the same with your bullies and haters- they dislike or hate you out of any or all of the above filthy five characteristics mentioned above.

Furthermore, realize that to be hurt, angered, and offended by someone, you must first value their opinions. This means that you must value them to some degree.

When you stop caring what bullies think of you, you stop valuing their opinions. In that, you stop giving bullies value and consideration they haven’t earned. Therefore, you stop giving them power by not allowing their thoughts and how they feel about your to control you.

Know Your Worth.

Begin seeing your worth and you realize that you are much more successful and better off than they will probably ever be. Moreover, ask yourself these questions:

“Have any of these people even reached my level?”

“Do their opinions even matter?

“Who are they that I should even care?”

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying, you should have the same attitude. Realize that not everyone’s thoughts or opinions, especially enemies, are relevant nor do their words mean anything.

Don’t let your enemies stop you from being yourself.

Always be yourself. Stand up for your beliefs and convictions. Have your own preferences and make your own choices. And do the things you love to do. And lastly, follow your own dreams and your heart. Do all of these things no matter who does or doesn’t like it.

So, if you have enemies, be proud of it. It means that you’ve taken a stand and that you’re not afraid to be different. If you have enemies and are okay with having them, then you have the freedom, and you can do anything you want. Always remember that

This post was all about the advantages of having enemies and what they can do for your confidence and self-esteem.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

people pleasing behavior

Disadvantages of Being a People Pleaser: 7 Consequences of Putting Yourself Last

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 The disadvantages of being a people-pleaser are many. However, there are still so many people, especially targets of bullying, under the misguided belief that putting others’ needs before your own will gain them positive results.

disadvantages of being a people pleaser

It’s because they don’t know what the disadvantages of being a people pleaser are. Otherwise, they’d make a few changes in how they try to influence others.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn all the disadvantages of being a people pleaser and the adjustments you must make to win respect.

Once you learn all about these consequences, it will motivate you to stop overdoing putting others’ needs before yours and make sure to get a few of your needs met.

Moreover, you will finally get people to stop using you and finally get the respect you so deserve.

This post is all about the disadvantages of being a people pleaser to encourage you to take care of yourself as well as you take care of others.

Disadvantages of Being A People Pleaser

Before we get into the disadvantages of being a people pleaser, let’s first find out why people, mainly, targets of bullying and abuse,  do it.

As I’ve mention before in other posts, many targets of bullying obey others demands because their bullies have brainwashed them. By retaliating and inflicting harm on the victim whenever he refuses their demands, the bullies send the message that the next time he refuses to submit, they will punish him for it.

 Moreover, there have been times when saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they intensely fear asserting themselves.

Victims of bullying quickly adapt to having to cater to others in order to ensure their safety. Sadly, some linger on in the same situation for years on end.

It’s a hell of a way to live and it’s akin to being held hostage. You feel as if you exist only for other people’s purposes, agendas, pleasures, and entertainment; not your own.

Bullies are people who don’t take no for an answer.

Also, we all know that bullies are people who don’t take no for an answer. Know that this type of attitude comes from a sense of entitlement and superiority.

Toxic bullies are notorious for retaliating against anyone who refuses their demands. However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to stand firm. Therefore, you absolutely must hold your ground no matter what it costs.

Understand that it’s better to be hated by others than to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

Know that people who are genuinely kind also have a healthy self-esteem. They know who they are and what they want. They’re giving and generous, but not at their own expense. They give from love, because they want to give.

However, a people pleaser has low self-esteem and their giving and generosity comes from fear instead of love. They give because they feel no one will like them if they don’t.

So, what are the disadvantages of being a people pleaser?

Here are 7 consequences.

1. You end up feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

Each and every human being on the face of the earth was born with a mind and a will of their own. In order to be truly free, you need to have your own choices and some degree of control over your life’s trajectory.

Constantly catering to others’ wants and needs while placing yours on the back burner can leave you stressed out, tired, and worst of all, used and abused.

You may eventually adapt to it. However, others on the outside of the dynamic will watch you being used and doing everything for everyone else. As a result, they’ll think it’s okay for them to use you too.

Consequently, you’ll then have even more people making requests or outright demands then you did before. This is only one reason why people pleasing is never good.

2. You’re never free to pursue your own interests because people are constantly haranguing you for favors.

In other words, other people are taking up so much of your time with their problems that you have none left to take care of your own.

Understand that you cannot be there for everyone all the time. You must assert time boundaries and make time to do the things you need and want to do as well.

After all, you only have so much time on this earth. Why waste so much of it trying to keep other people happy instead of focusing on your own happiness as well?

You can’t please everyone all the time. So, stop spending your life this way.

 3. Disadvantages of Being a People Pleaser: You have no time for yourself.

Again, this is where setting time boundaries is important. Everyone needs time to themselves to rewind and recharge and you’re no exception. Some people need more of it then others.

Therefore, take time for yourself each day and practice self-care. You deserve it after all you put up with, I promise you!

4. Your productivity goes down because your time is limited by other people’s priorities.

Yet again, time boundaries, baby! Just as you take care of other people’s problems, you must take care of yours as well.

Understand that your priorities come before theirs. So, be sure that your productivity isn’t taking a hit before you make any commitments to anyone else.

If at any time some creep doesn’t respect your time, you must show them the door, fast! Then lock it behind you. A person who is so self-centered that they get angry because you have no time for them, doesn’t deserve one more second from you.

Therefore, rather than fear their anger, see it for what it is. It’s a big clue as to what kind of person they are and how much they really care about you. So, respond accordingly.

 5. One of the social disadvantages of being a people pleaser is that Your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you.

This cannot be stressed enough! Say yes to people too many times, and others will see you as a doormat. People don’t respect doormats, they wipe their muddy feet on them.

Moreover, people who have no boundaries, morals, or integrity will take full advantage and use you as their go-to anytime they need or want something. But, they’ll disappear like magic whenever it is that you need help.

Also, bullies and abusers see you as an easy target.

People Watch you all the time.

Even worse, they may even treat you like garbage. Understand that people watch you all the time. Decent people watch you to see if you are a good person and a worthy friend or associate.

On the other hand, human predators watch you to see what they can possibly get away with. They study you closely to suss out whether you’d make an easy target.

Therefore, two things will happen once people catch a whiff of neediness from you. And that’s what people-pleasing is. It’s needy behavior because it seeks approval and admiration from others.

1. Decent, good, and healthy people will have nothing to do with you because they see you as pathetic and don’t want to be responsible for “fixing” you.

2. Bullying and predatory people will see you as pathetic too, yes. But they’ll hang around only so they can use, abuse, and control you.

This is why you absolutely must set and, if need be, enforce boundaries and do it firmly!

 6. Disadvantages of being a people pleaser: It erodes your confidence and self-esteem.

When people lose respect for you, it can deliver a huge blow to your self-esteem, causing it to sink even lower than it already was.

I hate to say it but it’s true. Low self-esteem is a turn off. It only attracts unsavory people while repelling the good healthy types.

There’s a reason why people who are confident attract most people and make them want to be friends and be around them. It’s because the people a confident person draws to them are people who also feel good about themselves. These are healthy, quality people.

Low self-esteem, on the other hand, attracts those with low self-esteem or those who are evil – low quality people. Therefore, you must stop trying to people please and work on raising your self-esteem so that you can begin attracting people who are high quality.

7. It causes you to feel anger and resentment, not only at the people who constantly use you, but toward yourself for allowing them to.

Believe me, once enough people have used and abused you for so long. You’ll begin feeling anger an resentment. Not only will you resent the people you allow to walk over you, but you’ll resent yourself for letting them to it.

In fact, you’ll feel like a complete jackass! And there’s no worse feeling then to feel you were foolish for letting others use you like a dishrag.

However, you do have the power to make it right. And how you make it right and alleviate those toxic feelings is to begin placing your own priorities ahead of theirs.

Be prepared for some to respond harshly once you begin taking care of your needs first.

They may not like it and they may even react harshly to you once you begin putting yourself first. But the good thing is that, through their behavior, these people will show you exactly who they are. And this will be your cue to get rid of them once and for all.

 If nothing else, realize this. Most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for seeing to it that your needs get met. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t run yourself ragged trying to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first. Always remember that.

This post was all about the disadvantages of being a people pleaser to give you cues for when it’s time to make the changes you need to make and make yourself a priority.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. What to Say Instead of Sorry: 5 Powerful Responses

5. No Apology Necessary: 8 Things You Should Never Apologize For

The Risks of Saying No: 11 Reasons You Fear Saying No to People

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If you’re a victim of bullying, do you want to know exactly why you’re afraid to face the risks of saying no? You know the concept but would you know how to word it if you had to explain it?

the risks of saying no

When you’re a target of bullying, saying no is risky. Bullies use force to get what they want and they don’t take no for an answer. Here are the most common reasons why it’s so difficult to say no when you need to.

You will learn all the risks of saying no to bullies so that you can pick the answers that best suit you and your situation.

After you learn what these reasons are, you will better be able to face your fear of saying it. Even better, you will have the answers you need to conquer that fear.

This post is all about the risks of saying no and what you can do to conquer your fear of saying it when you must.

“No” is such a tiny word but has so much power behind it. It can be intimidating to say to someone and to get for an answer from them. T

Victims of bullying have an especially difficult time saying no to people. And why not? Others have bullied them into saying yes for so long that they’ve conditioned the targets to do it without thinking.

The Risks of Saying No

However, many people who have never been bullied also have a hard time telling others no. Why is that?

There are many reasons:

1.Many people, especially victims of bullying, were raised to believe that saying no is self-centered, rude, and disrespectful. 

When we were children, adults often forced us to say yes. Abusive adults often conditioned us to go against own rights and welfare, or risk worse punishment. It was “obey, or else.”

Many of us grew up during a time when we automatically owed anyone over the age of eighteen respect. It didn’t matter if the adult in question was being fair or not. Neither did it matter if they were self-serving and out to harm us.

Just by virtue of being adults, we “owed” them respect simply because they’d lived on this earth longer than us. We were made to believe we were obligated to give respect to any adult no matter how lowdown and creepy the person may have been.

Sadly, these adults conditioned us this way during childhood and molded us into spineless, submissive adults. As a result, we continue to get used and abused by our partners, family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.

Moreover,  all our lives, people have duped us into believing that saying yes to everything everyone asks (or demands) means that we’re “good people.”  Moreover, we have received the message that being agreeable one hundred percent of the time shows that we’re being “respectful” and that we have “a good attitude.”

Saying No to Ourselves by Saying Yes to Others

Consequently, we only learned the hard way that it’s the exact opposite. What it really means is that we become suck-ups, kiss-butts, and wusses.

However, understand this right now. Saying no means setting boundaries.

If we don’t set boundaries, we only end up with self-esteem that was never given the chance to develop properly. Therefore, we place ourselves at the mercy of bad people.

2. Another Reason You Don’t Take the Risks of Saying No is Because You’re afraid of offending people.

Let’s face it, people, especially bullies and abusers, often become offended with things which aren’t necessarily offensive. Understand that bullies, abusers, and other toxic people have an overinflated sense of entitlement. And they will become infuriated if you have the intestinal fortitude to tell them no.

Moreover, how they react could be downright scary! Look for these people to lay guilt trips on you and tell you what a rude and selfish person you are.

Also, you will feel pangs of guilt because bullies will, more than likely, convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

However, don’t you believe it for a second! See the bullies’ behavior for what it is- emotional manipulation.

You must realize that the offense these people take comes from insecurity and the feeling of rejection. It also comes from feeling entitled.

This is why they take being told “no” so personally. But! If nothing else, know this!

Any indignation or anger the other person feels and displays is neither your responsibility nor is it your problem.

Therefore, walk away from the idiot and have nothing more to do with them. They do not deserve the time of day from you.

3. You’re afraid of letting other people down.

This is understandable. No one who’s a decent person and worth their salt wants to let down another human being.

However, if you don’t save a little time, energy, and resources for yourself, there will be nothing left for you. Constantly putting your needs and priorities on the back burner to accommodate everyone else isn’t healthy at all.

So, begin putting your needs before theirs no matter the cost. If you take care of your needs first, then you can better take care of others’ needs later.

4. You don’t take the risks of saying no because you’re afraid of being thought of as selfish.

Most people care what others think and many, perhaps, a little too much. Although it’s normal to want others to think of you as good, decent, and caring person, too many people feel they must bend over backwards to prove it.

This kind of thinking is unhealthy. It reeks of desperation and only attracts users and abusers who’ll only bleed you dry of time, energy, resources, and self-esteem.

Therefore, remember the verse in the song, “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring? The verse that quotes, “the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care…yeeah…”

Nooo! What it does is make you look like a simp to other people.

5. One of the risks of saying no is that you take people out of their comfort zones.

And that is time you’d rather spend with your family, closest friends, and loved ones. Or it could be time better spent studying your lessons, working on your own pursuits and hobbies, or resting.

There are only 24 hours in a day and if you’re constantly prioritizing others first, your needs will take a back seat and you won’t have time left for yourself and the people who matter most.

Self-care is never selfish. It’s essential! It’s a necessity! Realize that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but that’s okay. So, be okay with it.

Be prepared for some people to call you “selfish” when they hear the word no come out of your mouth. But again. Remember that you’re not responsible for the way they feel or for their problems. And see it as you’ve taken them out of their comfort zones because they’ve grown used to hearing you say yes.

So, embrace it because these people are showing you exactly who they are and who you should eliminate from your life.

6. You want to help others because it’s rewarding.

This is normal and there’s nothing wrong with it. Helping others makes us feel good and has huge heart-rewards.

For example, when we help our family members and friends, it shows them that we love them, and we care about their happiness and well-being.

When we help total strangers, we do it because we care for our fellow man. That feels great!

The problem comes in when we’re so busy taking care of others that we don’t have time to take care of ourselves. When it reaches this point, life can get stressful and overwhelming.

Also, bullies, users, and abusers will take notice and try to exploit our generosity, taking our kindness for being weak and gullible.

These are things we much watch out for.

Realize that you only have so much of these commodities. Use them wisely and don’t waste any of them on people don’t deserve them or haven’t earned them (i.e. bullies, abusers, anyone who takes you for granted).

7. You forgo the risks of saying no because You have low-self-esteem.

When you have a low self-image, you’re under the false assumption that your time, energy, and resources aren’t worth as much as those of others. You believe that you’re inferior to everyone else.

Therefore, you quickly say yes to others when you want to say no. You even give into those who give ridiculous demands.

Many times, you’ll bend over backwards to prove your value. But worth is something you don’t have to prove to anyone. Worth is something that’s either there or it isn’t.

In other words, if you’re a good person, you have value. And if you have value, it’s already there and there’s no need to turn somersaults to prove it.

Here’s another thing. Saying no will actually raise your self-esteem.

In fact,  the more you say it, the higher your confidence will rise until you realize that you’re just as good as everyone else. Also, you’ll find out that your time, your energy, your pursuits, and your dreams are just as important as everyone else’s.

8. You want approval and to be liked by others.

Wanting to be liked and approved of is a natural human desire that’s hardwired in all of us. It’s how we make friends, connections, and allies.

Also, it’s how we nurture our relationships with family and those we love. We try to relate to and find commonality with others to get accepted.

Many times, this is why we say yes even when we’re better off saying no. Understand that, though you may get approval from others if you’re a yes-person, that approval will be short lived.

Why? Because people always come back for more and there will be times when something comes up and you won’t be available for them. Then what?

Therefore, realize that keeping your self-esteem and self-respect is worth a hell of a lot more than getting anyone’s approval. And trust me, any approval that has the fine print of conditions tagged onto it is not the type you want.

9. You feel that the risks of saying no Are too High. Therefore, You give in to the threats and demands of bullies and abusers.

Unfortunately, some people won’t take no for an answer. Bullies and abusers are such people.

These types will move Heaven and Earth to manipulate you into feeling obligated and saying yes to them. They will even resort to screaming and yelling at you, calling you names like, ”selfish, greedy, mean, bitch, asshole, and other derogatory names to get you to comply.

Also, they’ll likely hurl insults, severely curse you out, ostracize you, give you the silent treatment, or try to humiliate you in front of others.

However, see these reactions for what they are, manipulation and retaliation. Put simply, they’ve lost control over you and they’re trying like the devil to get that back!

You must be ready for these people to use these evil tactics to punish you or to make you cave into their demands. They want to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, or afraid.

Because it’s worked for them before. Bullies and abusers hope that you’ll give up and give in to get them to stop abusing you.

But please, for your sake, don’t’ cave in! You must continue to stand your ground.

Realize that, if you give into the bullies’ demands, you’ll only quell their hostility temporarily. Sooner or later, bullies always come back for more and thus, these incidences will become a pattern.

If Nothing Else, Remember This!

Bullies and abusers aren’t dummies. They know exactly what they’re doing. Believe me when I say that your bullies are fully aware that they’re trying to manipulate you.

They know good and well that they’re being abusive and yes, they also know that what they’re doing is wrong.

Therefore, never think for one moment that these bullies don’t realize what they’re doing!

As long as you remember this, it will give you the confidence, courage, and resilience to stand firm against this atrocious behavior. So, call it out for what it is, and hold your position.

Also, once you learn this little nugget of truth, you will be less likely to feel ashamed, humiliated, fearful, or guilty. You’ll see the bully’s behavior as a reflection of their own cowardice, insecurity, and desperation and this alone will make it easier to stand your ground.

10. The Risks of Saying No: You’re afraid of conflict.

One of the risks of saying no is conflict. It’s just how it goes sometimes.

Many people are deathly afraid of conflict. Targets and most survivors of bullying are especially so because they’ve had so much conflict forced into their lives.

 This is why they will make a complete about-face when they detect even the slightest scent of it.

However, you must realize that conflict is a part of life and there will be times when you won’t be able to avoid it.  Also, there are times when conflict will seem to hunt you down like a hungry wolf.

In other words, conflict is something we all face at some point in our lives. It is certain. This is why we must learn to be assertive and say no to people when we need to.

Sadly, for many of those who have this fear, giving into others is a quick and easy fix. Any time the other person shows signs of becoming angry when you can’t be available right that second, you’ll try to assuage them.

Finally, you will retract statements, change your mind and acquiesce. Don’t do that!

Never submit on the belief that surrendering to the demands of another is safer (easier). It won’t be easy. But continue standing your ground. Never allow the other person to cause you to cave in just because you’d rather avoid conflict.

11. Why You Should Face the Risks of Saying No: Because Saying yes to everything and everyone becomes a habit.

Many people have been conditioned to people-please and the longer they do it, the more entrenched it becomes until it becomes instinct. In other words, the brain continues to develop more neural pathways for saying yes too much until you become wired to do it.

 Consequently, once you become hardwired to overdo the yeses, it becomes an automatic response. As a result, you’ll do it without even thinking about it.

Realize that for some, not saying no when they must is a learned response, and it stems from many factors.

Therefore, the 11 factors we just mentioned are either some or all of the roots of your apprehension. The best way to solve any issue is to get to the roots of it.

Put another way, if you know why you have a hard time saying no, you’re more likely to know what to do to change it. And once you get over the fear of saying no and begin asserting your rights, you will feel more empowered than you ever felt before. I promise you!

This post was all about the risks of saying no to help you pinpoint why you fear those risks so that you can know what changes you must make to take back your freedom and autonomy.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2 Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

friends

Choose Your Friends Wisely: 9 Criteria to Judge by

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‘Want to know how to choose your friends wisely even if people are bullying you? Here are the exact criteria to go by.

choose your friends wisely

Choosing friends can be especially difficult when you’re a target of bullying. Because bullies have maligned you to others and destroyed your once-good reputation, you may not have any friends at all.

As a result, you can become so desperate for friendship that you may choose people who only come around to take advantage of you. Therefore, it’s essential that you learn how to choose your friends wisely.

In this post, you will learn the exact criteria you should base your choices of friends on.

After you learn which characteristics to look for, you will then be able to choose your friends wisely and shun those who are not healthy for you. Moreover, you will have the courage to give fake friends the boot and wait until better people come along.

This post is all about How to Choose your friends wisely and the criteria you should use when making your selection.

Before we go over the criteria, let’s discuss why people pick the wrong people to be friends with.

It’s normal to respond positively to people who smile at you and those who are or, at least, seem kind and like “nice people.” However, you should never take people at face value because appearances can be deceiving.

Anytime you’re a target of intense and chronic bullying, there will be time when you will feel lonely. Moreover, that loneliness can grow so much until you become too determined to have friends. This will leave you vulnerable.

Consequently, human predators will notice your vulnerability and they will take full advantage of it. But that’s not all.

They may even do worse! They may exploit and weaponize it against you!

Therefore, if people ritualistically bully you every day, it’s imperative that you keep your eyes open and watch out for these types. Also, never allow desperation for friendship trick you into lowering your standards. You must remain selective to keep the creeps away.

Choose your friends wisely: What Characteristics should you look for?

Being selective of your friends doesn’t mean choosing the type who only tell you what you want to hear. You can get that anywhere. Moreover, many people will tickle your ears just to manipulate you or soften you up.

It goes much deeper.

Also, it’s not about how much money or prestige they have- the hot car they drive or latest fashions they wear. Neither is it about how good they look or how popular they are.

It’s all in how they make us feel about ourselves, and the space they give us to grow. Even better, it’s how they help us to grow and vice versa.

Understand that you can’t buy things like honesty, loyalty, integrity, class, respect, and love. The person either has them or they don’t. And there are a lot of people with money and wealth who are as slimy as can be.

Here are the criteria:

1. Do they show up?

Consistency is key in a friendship. Do you ever hear from them? And no, I don’t mean pauses between visits. Sometimes life gets in the way and people get so busy that they go for several months without seeing their friends. However, they still maintain some contact even if it’s through social media.

Therefore, if you don’t hear a peep out of the person you call friend for over a year or two, it’s pretty good guess that you’ve drifted apart. In life, friends do come and go and it’s a normal part of life.

But, when you’re the only one initiating contact, that’s a problem. It’s a sign that you’re making all the investments.

2. Choose your friends wisely: Have they been there for you when the chips were down?

This is a biggie! Supportiveness is crucial in a friendship. If your friends are always there when you’re riding high, then suddenly disappear when you’re flat on your back, that’s a huge red flag.

Don’t settle for fair-weather friends. You only want friends who are there when you’re sick, broke, grieving the death of a loved one, or just having a hard time. These types of friends are keepers because, rain or shine, they’re there for you regardless.

3. Do they have your back when your bullies come calling?

This is another biggie! Real friends will back you up when nefarious people come against you. They’ll protect you from the unsavory types. Fake friends will only bail on you and leave you to fend for yourself.

Therefore, it’s crucial that you be selective. Because, when friends who disappear when you’re in danger, they only prove themselves to be sniveling cowards. What you need are strong and brave friends who aren’t afraid to stand up for you when you’re being attacked.

4. Choose your friends wisely: Do they respect you?

Do they treat  you as an equal or do they treat you as if you’re inferior? Do they throw backhanded comments and talk over you when you’re speaking or do they allow you to speak and respect your feelings.

Moreover, do they respect your opinions even if those opinions differ from theirs? And do they respect your time? In other words, do they get angry when you can’t be there right away because you have a sick child or parent?

These are the questions you must ask yourself anytime you’re in doubt about a friendship. Because if they have no respect for you, it’s time to ditch and switch.

This means ditch the friends who don’t respect you and switch to friends who do. And if you don’t have friends who respect you, find some.

5. Do they accept you or do they only tolerate you?

When you’re around friends who only tolerate you, you can tell right off. You feel awkward around them because you notice little micro-flashes of resentment. You’ll also notice that you’re always lagging behind the rest of the group because they won’t stop and wait on you.

Also, they make you feel bad about yourself and cause you to doubt yourself. Moreover, they make you feel left out and discarded.

You’ll also notice it in how they look at you and in how different they treat you compared to how they treat the other members. Even more hurtful is the fact that you’re the only one in the group who never gets an invite to any shindigs they may have.

 These are all clues that these people are not right for you! They’re a complete waste of your time and energy. Therefore, drop this bunch like a bad habit.

6. Choose your friends wisely: Can you trust them?

In other words, have they ever stolen from you or dated your partner behind your back? This should be a no-brainer. Anyone who does these things is dishonest and lacks integrity. Not to mention, they’re about as loyal as a snake! Time to give them the old heave ho!

7. Do they trust you?

In other words, do they judge you by your good actions and refuse to believe it when bullies and others speak negatively of you? This is super important. Anyone who automatically believes lies and smears about you doesn’t deserve your friendship and you should tell this person to get lost!

This bears repeating! When someone you think is your friend takes a bully’s word over yours, this person might as well be an enemy. Drop them like a hot brick!

8. Are they forgiving?

In other words, do they forgive you after a spat. Do they know that you’re still their friend even if you must go a long time without contact? If so, you have a keeper. If not, you might want to re-evaluate the friendship and make some changes.

9. Choose your friends wisely: Are they good listeners?

In other words, are they there for you when you need to talk? Moreover, do they listen attentively when you need a shoulder to cry on? This is just as important.

If your friends won’t do any of these things, it’s time to decide whether you want to remain friends with them.

In closing:

Selectiveness is important. Although media, politicians, and other talking heads trumpet terms such as “inclusive,” “inclusivity,” and such. However, being selective is not being exclusive.

When you’re selective of your friends, it means that you pick people of integrity and keep out the snakes to protect your peace.

Therefore, always keep company with those who make you feel the best about yourself. This means the people who want to see you do good for yourself, the people who point you in the right direction, and the people who remain loyal even when the chips are down.

Associate only with the people who love, encourage and want your very best. Reserve your friendship only for those who have your back! Choose the friend who is willing to walk through the fire with you.

They won’t block your path to success. You won’t have to fight for their time or their love. They will make time for you and give love freely. Therefore, be selective of who you let in your life.

This post was all about how to choose your friends wisely so that you can head off trouble before it comes and protect yourself from future betrayal and heartbreak.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

2. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

3. Removing Toxic People: 5 Successful Ways to Give Them the Boot

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

needy, kiss feet

Needy Behavior: 5 Reasons it Derails Your Social Life

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‘Want to know why and how needy behavior destroys your social life? Here are 7 reasons why being needy repels the right people and attracts the wrong people.

needy behavior

Chronic bullying causes so many social problems for victims. When a victim is selected for bullying, bullies begin a vicious smear campaign that can destroy the victims friendships and relationships.

In other words, people begin turning against them because no one wants to risk their own reputations by associating with the bullied person. As a result, everyone isolates the bullied person.

This can cause needy behavior in the victim because they become so desperate for friends that they’re willing to humiliate themselves just for one tiny crumb of human connection.

However, most victim don’t realize that this only makes things worse.

If this is you, this post will teach you how to recognize needy behavior in yourself when it happens. Moreover, you will learn powerful ways to stop the behavior so that you can take back your power and your dignity.

This post is all about how to recognize and stop needy behavior so that you can take back your self-respect and control over your life.

How Do You Recognize Needy Behavior?

You recognize needy behavior by first assessing your inner dialogue, or self-talk. In other words, your thought patterns.

If you’re thinking to yourself things, such as:

“If only I was ten pounds thinner and had long, flowing hair, maybe my friends would like me”

“Maybe if I had bought front row tickets to the game, concert, etc. instead of regular tickets, he would love me.”

“If only I made a 4.0 instead of a 3.99, my family would be proud of me.”

“Maybe I should have bought her a dozen roses instead of a half-dozen, then she would love me.”

“Maybe if I worked sixteen hours a day instead of twelve, then my boss and coworkers would like me.”

Then, yes, you may be exhibiting needy behavior without even knowing that you’re doing it. When you feel needy, you tend to act that way.

Moreover, most bullying targets tend to hold those toxic beliefs about themselves, which translates to, “I’m not enough.” However, I want you to know right now.

You are enough and always have been. It’s just that other people, for selfish or nefarious reasons, have managed to convince you that you aren’t. Therefore, you should see them for what they are… liars!

So, How do you recognize needy behavior in yourself?

Before we go any further, you need to know this. It’s easy to see this kind of behavior in others. The view is always much clearer from the outside.

However, it’s difficult to see a certain behavior in ourselves. We do things all the time without thinking about it. Self-awareness is a must and most people don’t have it, sorry to say.

Here are the behaviors to watch out for:

1. You’re constantly bending over backwards to prove your worth to people.

For example, you may put in lots of effort to help around the house and no one thanks you for it. Or worse, they don’t even acknowledge it.

Here’s another example. You may buy the girl who went on a mercy date with you a dozen roses and even shell out money to pay her car payment… you get the point.

You feel you must buy her love.

The girl doesn’t even like you but she’ll sure take your money and may even thank you for it. However, she doesn’t want to go on a second date. But she forces herself to go to keep getting the benefits from you.

So, while you’re on this date, she ignores you and talks to other guys, making you feel like a loser. But, to hang onto her, you keep giving her money, letting her bleed you until you’re broke.

And once you have nothing left to give her, she ghosts you!

Understand that this over giving never works. It only produces the opposite of your desired result!

What usually happens when you do this?

Anytime you sacrifice yourself to score approval points, you spin your wheels and get nowhere. If anything, people won’t respect you. They’ll only look down on you with a mixture of pity, disgust, and hilarity.

They think you’re pathetic when you’re so eager to kiss butt in you weak attempts to win friends and dates. Also, the more you give at your own expense, the worse others treat you. Why? Because you leave yourself wide open for use and abuse.

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval. Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

You only attract predators, while repelling good, quality people of class and decency. Additionally, human predators have a spidey sense when it comes to picking out those who are weak and approval-seeking. They’ll see you coming a mile away!

And they will take full advantage and bleed you dry of resources, time, and worse! Confidence and happiness!

2. You go out of your way to maintain friendships with people who only tolerate you Just to keep from being alone.

Anytime you become needy, some people might include you in their groups, but not because they like you or want to be around you. They’ll only pretend to like you because they feel sorry for you.

And the last thing you should want is someone’s pity. Yuck! Who in their right mind would want to settle for that? But wait! It gets worse!

After a while, any pity these people might have for you will wear thin.

Here are a few reasons why needy Behavior is not only unattractive and humiliating but downright dangerous:

1. Any time you’re a target of bullying by everyone- the group of so-called friends who pretend to like you put themselves at risk of being made targets themselves. And they know it.

In the minds of the bullies and others, these so-called friends of yours are guilty by association. Therefore, instead of being an asset to the group, you become a liability!

2. The group must pretend to like having you around because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

But their real feelings about you will only seep out in ways that are not so obvious. It’ll be so subtle that you may not even know it’s happening.

And you can bet that if you make the slightest mistake or they perceive the tiniest slight from you, the floodgates will open and their real feelings of dislike and hatred will come rushing out like a raging torrent.

Consequently, they’ll look for any reason to make you go away even if they must treat you with blatant brutality.

Moreover, they’ll never have your back. When your bullies come calling, your fake friends will throw you under the bus, then get behind the wheel and run you over a few times. Understand that these people will not value you as a person.

3. With Needy Behavior, you attract more users and abusers to come into your life.

Others who don’t know you will watch you closely as you continue to simp for acceptance. Then, you’ll draw in new predators because they will see you as someone they can get something from, even if it’s only psychological benefits.

Understand that human predators are drawn to the needy like vultures to a carcass. They seek out people who are desperate to exploit their needs and weaknesses to get what they want from them.

Again, once they’ve gotten all they want out of you, they’ll discard you like a dirty piece of toilet paper.

You may not realize it, but you can do better than a bunch of scavengers!

I want you to understand this.

If you’re doing these things:

Feeling that you must put on a front for others to approve of you.

Fulfill impossible demands from your boss at work.

Thinking that you must give them your delicious dessert at lunch when you really want to eat it yourself.

Believing that you need to do someone’s homework for them, give them money or do something that you don’t want to do to win their friendship

Having to chase someone or go out of your way to get them to see the good in you

Putting up with being abused, disrespected, and humiliated by people who are supposed to be your friends

Tolerating friends who never have your back, who disappear and always throw you under the bus when trouble comes for you

Needing to force conversations with these so-called friends

In a nutshell, if at any time a friendship doesn’t feel right, these people do not deserve the time of day!

4. You’re too agreeable.

People notice when you don’t have your own opinions and beliefs. Agreeing with things you really don’t agree with not only stifles your individuality, it makes you a target.

Understand that everyone is different. Therefore, embrace your individuality and have an opinion that’s all your own. Moreover, if others abuse you for it, that should tell you that you should find better friends.

5. You wear yourself out. 

Because you work so hard to win approval, you eventually deplete yourself of energy. Then, you get exhausted.

In no way am I blaming You because I’ve been there.

I understand the feeling of social deprivation when bullies are constantly sabotaging your ability to make new friends. It gets tough after so long.

However, when you’re that hard-up for social connections, it shows. Anytime you’re willing to put up with crappy treatment to keep from being by yourself, it decreases your worth as a person.

Other people see it and immediately think you’re pathetic. You come off to others as clingy and needy. Even worse, the desperate vibes you put out only attracts more bullying and alienation.

Needy behavior just plain stinks. It is off-putting and repels even the people who would otherwise be good friends.

But you don’t need enemies with friends like that. Ditch these losers fast! They don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

Know that you’re worth more than you know and that you can do much better! Believe that with every fiber of your being.

this post was all about needy behavior so that you can learn to spot it and correct it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

2. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

3. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

4. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

dreamstime s 85277136

Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

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‘Want to know what happens when you begin asserting boundaries? Here are both the pros and cons when you establish your boundaries.

asserting boundaries

Asserting boundaries is so important and if you’re anything like I was at one time, too scared to do it. Then you’re probably wondering what it is that encourages others to stand up for themselves.

As someone who has overcome the fear of establishing personal limits, I’m giving you all the reasons why you should. Also, I’m warning you of all that happens if you don’t.

You will learn about the importance of asserting boundaries. Moreover, you’re going to learn about the positive and negative results of doing do.

Once you learn about all these things, you will be more encouraged and motivated to assert your rights not to be abused. Also, you will be more emboldened to stand your ground for as long as it takes until you are finally free of bullies and abusers.

This post is all about asserting boundaries so that you can take back your personal power and live in peace and happiness.

Asserting boundaries

Here’s how the pros outweigh the cons:

People will accuse you of having “An Attitude”

Many times, when you begin to set boundaries and refuse to lower your standards, others, especially abusive others, will accuse you of having “an attitude.” This is what will happen once you finally take enough abuse and put your foot down and you should expect it.

Understand you will get that response when you either say no to something you don’t like. Moreover, people will give you the same response any time you refuse to be manipulated or to take abuse.

Therefore, it’s better to accept, even embrace, the reality that others will see you as having an attitude when you stand on your principles.

For example, toxic teachers will call you insubordinate. Abusive managers and supervisors will tell you that you’re not a team player. Also, bullying peers will see you as a ‘difficult’ person to be around, and that’s only a very mild version of what they may call you.

Asserting boundaries helps you separate real friends from the fakes.

Understand that anytime you enforce your boundaries and standards, you threaten the power of your bullies and abusers. Furthermore, you expose the manipulative people in your life through the limits you set.

Therefore, you see them more clearly. Why? Because you force them to tell off on themselves through their reactions.

Through having boundaries and standards, you can better tell the difference between real friends and fake ones. In other words, you can better see which people are truly for you and value your friendship. You find out which ones are only in your life because they want something from you. This is one of the most important pros!

bullies and abusers feel they have carte blanche to abuse you

Like all abusers, bullies feel entitled to devalue you and expect you to “just go with the flow” and not object to it. With these types of people, your healthy boundaries and standards are an insult to them. Why? Because they don’t recognize limits.

In their minds, anything goes, and the world and everything in it is one big free-for-all. In other words, any rules, laws, or limits don’t apply to them.

Bullies and frenemies believe they should have carte blanche to treat you any way they choose. They get super offended when you get enough of their abuse and finally have the courage to put your foot down.

Accept that you will lose people you think are friends when you establish boundaries and standards. And they will often be the people you’d never expect.

But realize that these peoples’ condescension and dismissal are only proof of their discomfort and their only recourse. Bullies can’t handle an assertive person of incredible strength because they can never meet them on their level. These are only a few of the cons.

setting limits allows you growth, safety, and freedom

Also, understand that you cannot grow, be safe, or be free if you don’t set boundaries. In many cases, people go out of their way to prevent targets of bullying from imposing any limits.

It seems that boundaries and standards are okay for anyone else but strictly prohibited for targets.

But realize that you cannot continue to live your life as a doormat. Therefore,  you must dig deep and pull out the courage to establish your boundaries, which include,

Physical boundaries

Psychological boundaries

Time boundaries

Material boundaries

Intellectual boundaries

Sometimes you must “Cop an Attitude” to defend your rights.

You are a flesh-and-blood human being who has rights! And sometimes, you must “cop an attitude” to defend those rights.

You must enforce your boundaries from relentless bullies and others who won’t take no for an answer. Also, you must set consequences for those who continue to violate your boundaries after you’ve told them to stop it.

When you set firm boundaries and standards and enforce them, you protect your physical well-being, emotional health, self-esteem, and identity from anyone who seeks to destroy them.

Moreover, you make yourself an individual human being who asserts your right to make your own choices and decisions.

Your boundaries and standards are the invisible fortresses surrounding you with protection. They keep you safe from harm.

When you set boundaries, it means that you don’t allow others to take advantage of you. It also means that you refuse to be a pushover.

In other words, you won’t let other people make you do things that aren’t in line with your goals, values, morals, or convictions. In short, you don’t allow others to manipulate you.

And it requires that you call out anyone who tries to stick so much as a toe over those boundaries.

Be Assertive but not aggressive. Be strong but not overbearing.

You’re assertive but not overly aggressive. You’re strong but not overbearing. When you say no, you mean it, and you say it without feeling guilty over not saying yes.

And when you do say yes to others, you can do it without saying no to yourself.

Sadly, it can be hard to set boundaries and standards, especially when dealing with overly-aggressive bullies who have anger issues. Our first instinct is to protect ourselves any way we can- even if it means we must appease these people to ensure our safety.

Many targets have zero boundaries. They feel that to keep bullies from causing further harm, they must always bend over backward to make sure the people around them feel comfortable and at ease. You should never feel you must live this way!

But here’s the positiive side. Assertiveness builds courage and, with it, your self-esteem.

Not asserting boundaries works only temporarily because bullies and abusers always come back for more.

Many targets don’t feel strong enough to keep invaders out of their bubble. And it’s because of this that they feel like they’ve let themselves down because they didn’t stand up to their abusers.

Moreover, they feel like failures when they’re unable to enforce their boundaries and standards. I’ve been there and, let me tell ya! It’s the worst feeling in the world.

I want you to understand that, no matter what others may tell you or how they may act, it’s okay to refuse their disrespect. It’s okay to say no to bullying.

 Know that you owe it to yourself to say stop to those who insist they have the right to cross your boundaries and invade your space. You have every right to disallow others to disrupt your peace. Know that you deserve a seat at the table of life, not one in the corner.

Realize that setting boundaries and standards is not having an“attitude.” It’s your right!

You must accept that toxic people will put up a ton of resistance to any limitations you set in place. Therefore, take this as a given!

The upside is that the resistance you get will give you clues to who your real friends aren’t.

Resistance is soooo telling! It can help you find out who’s really for your good and who isn’t.

It’s never smart to be a yes-person. Caring about others is great but caring too much is unhealthy.

You need boundaries and standards because, without them, you subject yourself to living your life on autopilot. Put simpler, you’re a car without a steering wheel- a ship without a rudder!

But with boundaries, you have a rudder, and you can chart your life’s course. The winds and currents may change, and the waters might get rough. You may even go off course, but you’ll still have some degree of direction.

In setting boundaries and standards, you’re not completely powerless over what happens to you. You have some say over your destiny.

That’s why it’s crucial that you stand in your power and speak your truth. Never lower yourself and make yourself less than the awesome person you are. Never settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Put yourself first. Stop being a people pleaser. Stop putting your wants and needs on the back burner to keep others satisfied. Practice self-love and self-care.

Accept that people won’t handle it well and be willing to let them go because they don’t deserve a seat at your table. Once you do, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much better life gets and how many people of integrity and sound quality come into your life.

This post was all about pros and cons of asserting boundaries and how doing so can help you take back your personal power and your say in your life’s direction.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

3. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

6. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem: 7 Insanely Easy Ways

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Would you like to know how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel good about yourself and take control of your life?

how to overcome low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can drag you down and hold you back from your full potential. Therefore, if you’re wondering how to overcome low self-esteem, then look no further. I’m about to show you easy and powerful ways to do so.

You will learn the best and easiest practices to do so. As a result, you will finally be a pro on how to overcome low self-esteem.

After you learn these simple and highly effective practices, your self-esteem will skyrocket! Your confidence will soar! And you will be ready to take life by the horns and master all your talents and abilities fearlessly.

This post is all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can feel so much better about yourself and have the confidence to go after your dreams and work on achieving those life-long goals!

Even better, you will have the courage to confidently stand up to bullies and haters that even attempt to try and bring you down.

How to Overcome Low Self-Esteem

Overcoming low self-esteem isn’t easy, especially if you have bullies and negative people attacking you from every corner. However, practicing thought habits and daily physical habits to raise your esteem is still so important.

Moreover, it may even feel weird at first. Doing something you’re not used to doing always does. But push through that feeling. Once you practice these new things long enough, they’ll come naturally.

And you’ll be surprised at just how much it will change your life!

Now, without further adieu, here are the ways on how to overcome low self-esteem.

1. Replace Negative Thoughts about Yourself with Those that are Positive

This means catching every negative thought that pops in your mind with a positive thought. However, it won’t be easy and may even feel weird at first, but you must stay on top of it.

Guard your mind and if you catch a negative thought, immediately replace that thought with a positive… without waiting. Also, do it repeatedly until it becomes like second nature.

You’ve heard the quote, “You are what you eat.” So, it goes with your thought processes. You are also what you think.

This is especially important for victims of bullying because they usually start off as confident and outgoing people.

However, after years of bullying and abuse, they become insecure, afraid, and withdrawn. Sometimes, they can turn against themselves.

Negative Thoughts Produce Negative Things!

For example, they began to think that they aren’t worthy of anything good in life. They stop believing in their own good qualities. They no longer think they’ll ever be loved, ever be accepted, or ever be successful and that nothing will ever go right for them.

And before long, things begin to happen that matches their thoughts and feelings. These poor people began to fall out with friends and family, they have back-to-back bad breaks. They finally develop feelings of self-loathing and end up alone, rejected, unsuccessful, and unlucky.

This is why you must realize that your thought patterns determine your outlook (attitude). Your outlook determines your decisions and behavior. Then, your decisions and behavior determine your outcomes.

Your outcomes determine your life and the events that happen in it. All this then re-enforces your outlook or attitude. This becomes a cycle and cycles always repeat themselves.

It’s the Pygmalion Effect at work.

Again, for your own sake, get into the habit of thinking positive. Moreover, put in the inner work to change your thought patterns for the better and you’ll be amazed at how it will completely change your life!

2. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Practice Self-Care

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s essential! It’s imperative!

Self-care is more than just treating yourself to a soothing soak in the tub, or changing your eating habits and starting an exercise regimen. Yes, all the things I just mentioned are a part of self-care.

However, it can also mean making some heartbreaking decisions, like going no contract with a toxic family member or breaking off a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend with narcissistic personality disorder.

Moreover, you may even be forced to break off a friendship with a jealous bestie.

Believe me, those things are the most difficult to do because we care deeply about these people. However, if they don’t care enough about you to stop abusing you, then, what choice do you have?

You must love and care enough about yourself to walk away from anyone who brings you down and causes you anguish. Life is too short to tolerate abuse. Know that you deserve better.

3. Surround Yourself with Positive and Uplifting People

Many times, your self-esteem levels have so much to do with the company you keep. In other words, if you spend most of your time around people who constantly berate you and bring you down, no wonder your self-esteem is shot to shit!

One thing that few of us think about is that we each are the sum of the types of people we spend the most time with. In other words, if the people you spend most of your time with are negative, then negative is what you become.

On the other hand, the opposite is true also. If you spend most of your time with people who are positive and uplifting, then you will feel and be the same.

So, if you’re the only positive person in the room, you’re in the wrong place! If you’re around people who drain you and make you feel bad, you must find a way to fix it without hanging around and trying to fix them.

You can only fix things by removing yourself from their company.

Know that you always know when you’re with the wrong people because you will immediately sense that something is off anytime you’re around such negative folks. You will feel exhausted just being around them because it will be as if they’re sucking the oxygen out of the room.

Also, you’ll feel yucky because they’re killing your good vibes. Therefore, you must get out of there… fast!

Don’t stifle your own peace, happiness, and, most of all, growth by continuing to hang around. Make it your goal to get away from these people and out of that environment!

4. How to overcome Low self-esteem: Make Positive Affirmations to Yourself

You would be surprised at how effective making  positive affirmations is when it comes to boosting your self-esteem. Therefore, when you make these affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror each morning and make these “I AM” statements.

Here are a few examples of affirmations and “I AM” statements:

I am not to blame for being bullied.

I am lovable.

You can even say,

I am a good person.

I am worthwhile.

There are hundreds of affirmations you can use. These are only a few.

Moreover, if you do this for long enough, you will begin to believe it with every fiber of your being and your life will change for the better.

5. Love and Accept Yourself

This means embracing your flaws as well as your perfections, allowing yourself to make mistakes, and having the courage to be yourself.

If you don’t love yourself, no one else will either. Moreover, you won’t be able to properly love anyone else. Therefore, you’ll be on an endless quest for love and acceptance from others.

Realize that your love only comes from within, not from without.

Completely love and accept yourself. For, it is a stepping stone to happiness. When you accept yourself as you are, quirks and all, and stop being so concerned about how others see you, you experience total freedom. It’s like a huge weight being lifted off of you.

Also, you become much more attractive to people. In fact, you will draw them to you like a magnet!

Moreover, the creeps who are waiting for you to mess up will only get bored, give up and stop watching you. I know this from experience. Self-love and acceptance is such sweet freedom!

6. Stop Caring What Other People Think

Remember. When you care too much about the opinions of others, you become their slave. Therefore, free yourself by not bending over backwards to please others and doing the things you want to do.

Gather the courage to be yourself and realize that there will be a few people who dislike you and yes, even hate you. Moreover, see this as a part of life and embrace it.

This is how you become a powerful force in your own life!

7. Focus On Your Life Goals and Dreams

When you begin working on yourself and focusing on your life goals and dreams, you will be too busy to dwell on the negative opinions of others. Also, you will more than likely succeed at attaining your goals.

This, in itself, is a lesson in how to overcome low self-esteem.

In other words, you must focus on what you want out of life and go after it with a fever and a fervor.

This post was all about how to overcome low self-esteem so that you can take back control of your life.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

3. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

4. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

 

Click here to see Cherie’s Patreon

 

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

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Do you want to know how to go about putting yourself first so that you can live a freer and more peaceful and purposeful life?

putting yourself first

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity, especially if you’re a victim or target of bullying.

Sadly, many people have been conditioned from childhood to believe that putting yourself first is self-centered and greedy. Therefore, they put others before them to such an extent that they end of tolerating use and abuse.

In this post, you will learn the importance of putting yourself first. Also, you will learn the best, most time-tested self-care practices and how to practice them free of shame.

After learning these things, you will more readily prioritize your own needs. Best of all, you won’t feel any quilt nor shame when it’s time to take care of you.

This post is all about the importance of putting yourself first to help you give yourself the same love you give others, and do it guilt-free.

Putting Yourself First

Before we get into the practices, let’s make this absolutely clear.

Putting others first isn’t a bad thing. It shows that you care about your fellow man and that you’re willing to contribute some good to the world. Therefore, it’s an outstanding character trait to have.

However, many people have been conditioned, often by well-meaning parents, that the polite thing to do is to put others ahead of themselves. That making sacrifices for others shows manners and that they are “good people.”

However, when you overdo that courtesy or you do it at your own expense, that’s when it becomes a bad thing. The problem is that people will come to expect you to be a yes-person and take their crap.

Then, sooner or later, you’ll begin attracting users and abusers and become a doormat.

In taking this advice, many of us found out the hard way that giving too much of ourselves sometimes involved overlooking abuse. Even worse, we found that it didn’t make the mistreatment go away but only encouraged the person to abuse us later.

Growing up, you hear every excuse imaginable:

“Oh, they’re just having a bad day.”

“Maybe they have an abusive or cheating spouse at home.”

“Oh, but you never know what that person is going through.” Blah-blah-b-blah.

A few adults in your family and a few teachers more than likely advise you to,

“Give them a break.”

“Cut so-and-so some slack.”

“Try to overlook him.”

“Oh, but try to put yourself in her shoes.”

“Be reasonable.”

I know how you must have felt. That probably got old very quickly and you eventually grew fed up and wanted to scream,“Um- EXCUSE ME! I’ve been ‘reasonable,’ and the only thing I ever got from it is taken advantage of! Would you be reasonable if this happened to you?!”

Therefore, no matter what anyone tells you, it’s okay to put yourself first. And no law or rule says you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior- from anyone! Ever!

Anytime people mistreat you, then someone advises or forces you to “be nice” or “understand what Joe Blow is going through,” it only means that, subconsciously, the givers of this advice either don’t care about your boundaries, or they’re afraid of making the offending person angrier, and of the situation escalating.

Some people just can’t handle conflict. They are only trying to silence you to appease the person who’s being a total jackass.

These kinds of advice and expectations can do one of either two things to you as you get older:

A. It can program you to be over tolerant of unacceptable and abusive behaviors and set you up for a life of getting bullied by other people.

In other words, you grow up being so afraid of pissing anyone off that you accept any abuse to avoid conflict. You end up living a life of being crapped on by others.

B. It can have the exact opposite effect and give you an “F-you” attitude and a bad case of The Don’t-Give-A-Craps.

Put another way, because others have forced you to accept bad behavior in the past, you become a mean, bitter, and apathetic adult and could care less about anyone. That’s not good either.

Maybe you’re like me, one of the lucky ones. It gives you an equal blend of both. You believe in treating others how you’d want them to treat you and don’t mind lending a helping hand to someone who needs it.

But if for one moment, you suspect that someone is taking your kindness for being a fool, you’ll drop that person like a bad habit and they’re on their own!

Here’s the point. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to put others before you, but only in particular circumstances.

Here Are a Few examples.

It’s perfectly fine to give an older adult your chair in a crowded doctor’s office.

It’s okay to get up and offer your seat to a combat soldier in a crowded airport.

In fact, it’s called having respect for elders and servicemen and women who fight for your country.

But never take abuse nor accept excuses for unacceptable behavior. Anytime someone crosses a line with you, go ahead. Respond in kind. Give it back to them because only then will the person realize that you aren’t a doormat and find someone else to abuse.

Realize that you are not selfish or being self-centered. It’s called self-preservation. And now for the habits you must get into to put yourself first.

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Habits to Practice

1. Set Boundaries and Say No when you must.

You must have boundaries or you won’t have any respect.

Saying no to others automatically establishes boundaries. It also means saying yes to yourself.

By saying no, you give yourself the gift of choice and autonomy. Many people, especially bullies, will demand that you go along with something that isn’t good for you.

Therefore, saying no and putting up boundaries can be essential for your well being. Never say yes to anything that puts you in danger or makes you uncomfortable.

Trust your feelings, be true to yourself, and say “no,” no matter what the cost. This is putting yourself first.

2. Make Time for Yourself.

In other words, make time to rest, relax, be alone, and just chill. Also, make time to pursue your own interests. Work on your goals and put in the work to make your dreams come true. Dedicate 2-3 hours of your day for you-time. And know that you are worth it and you deserve it.

3. Putting yourself first means asking for Help.

Admit it. Sometimes you need a little help. We all do.

Realize that you’re human and you can’t conquer the world. Especially not by yourself. Therefore, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

If you need your husband to help you clean the kitchen because you’re not feeling well. Ask him. Or, if you need help with your algebra homework, it’s perfectly okay to ask your older brother to help you.

Besides, all they can do is say no. They aren’t going to shoot you for it. So, learn to take risks. That means asking for help when you need it.

4. Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Making mistakes is a part of being human. However, it is also how we learn. So, try new things and don’t be afraid of not doing it right the first time. You learn more from mistakes than you do anything else.

5. Putting yourself first also means Doing what you know is right for you.

In other words, make your own decisions. You will have people, especially bullies and haters, who try to butt in and tell you what they think you should do. Don’t listen to their squawking.

Only you can do what’s best for you. Only you know what decisions to make in your life. Do what you feel is best for you.

You may or may not make the right decisions. However, if you make the wrong choices, learn from them. Only you can live your life. No one else can do it for you.

6. Never Concern yourself with other’s opinions.

Realize that most opinions you get from others, especially those from bullies, don’t (or shouldn’t) matter. When you worry about what other people think, you become a slave to them. In other words, they own your butt!

Everyone has an opinion. The only opinions you should be concerned with are those of God, yourself, and the people who love and care for you the most.

This is another lesson in putting yourself first. When you put first your opinions and those of people who love you, you automatically put yourself first.

7. Make time to Do the things you love to do the most.

If that’s travel, then make time for it. If you love playing music, make time for that. When you’re engaged in your hobbies and favorite things, you add meaning and happiness to your life.

There may be those who ridicule you over your hobbies. But realize that people who make fun of your favorite things to do have no hobbies of their own.

Therefore, continue to do the things that fulfill you. It makes life so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

This post was all about putting yourself first so that you can live your life freely and with purpose and meaning.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

male employee sucking up to boss

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

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Do you want to know the best ways to stop being a people pleaser? These steps are the best time-tested ways that you must know and practice.

how to stop being a people pleaser

Being a people pleaser can be downright overwhelming because you’re too busy trying to please others to take care of your own needs. If you’re like I was, you’re probably wondering how to stop being a people pleaser.

You are going to learn exactly how to stop being a people pleaser by learning the actions you should take to get there.

Once you learn about all these steps, you will finally free yourself from the impulse to people please, Also, you will be surprised at how much happier and freer you’ll be.

This post is all about how to stop being a people pleaser, so that you can finally take care of your own needs and live a freer and more peaceful and relaxing life.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Before we get into the steps, let’s refresh ourselves a little. What is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who constantly puts others’ wants and needs before their own. But, why do some many feel the need to people please?

There are many reasons. However, the most common reason for people pleasing is to seek and win approval from others. Other reasons include:

1. To avoid conflict

2. Low self-esteem

3. Insecurity

4. The desire to be liked and win friends

5. The fear of retaliation.

For example, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll be harmed. This is because, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves and say anything bullies and their helpers don’t want to hear.

Don’t be a simp!

Realize that being a people pleaser rarely produces the desired outcome. In fact, in most cases, it only produces the exact opposite of what you want.

To put it in simpler terms, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, people only lose respect for you. Understand that people know a people pleaser when they spot one.

If anything, they will only look down on you with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity. Moreover, you attract users and abusers. The term, “people pleaser” is just another word for “simp.”

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval or to avoid conflict. Realize that conflict is a part of life and you must gather the courage to deal with it.

Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

Here’s how to stop being a people pleaser:

1. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. However, people pleasers have no boundaries and other people quickly take notice of that, then take full advantage.

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect.

Setting boundaries, on the other hand, shows that you have self-respect. It also shows that you’re not afraid to make your needs a priority even if it makes other people angry.

Why? Because you fully understand that the reason these people become angry with you is because they’re afraid that the benefits they’ve been getting at your expense are about to stop.

Stop giving too much of yourself to people who don’t appreciate you. Also, stop giving at your own expense.

You must realize that how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Therefore, know that you deserve better!

2. Another way to Stop being a people pleaser is to Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents and older family members teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, if we overdo it, it can backfire.

Sadly, if you’re a victim of bullying, you probably apologize way too much because others have bullied you for so long. Consequently, all your over-apologizing only gives others the green light to  blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong.

Therefore, you must stop apologizing for things that don’t need an apology. Realize that this overwhelming urge to apologize needlessly is only a knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear.

Your incessant apologies are ways to appease others. Also, it’s a way to make them go away and leave you alone. So, you must address this fear and confront it head-on.

Understand that you don’t have to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with. There’s no need to apologize for anything that was beyond your control.

You must realize that over apologizing is a self-defeating habit. Moreover, regardless of what you might think, it won’t protect you from further abuse.

Even if, on the off chance, it does save you from retaliative abuse, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

Therefore, you must realize that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give bullies undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. Moreover, you display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less a victim.

3. Say no, and say it often.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Therefore, you must say no and say it often. And yes. This means gathering the courage to say no to people who are used to hearing yes. In other words, you must say no to people who probably don’t take no for an answer.

Therefore, saying no is risky, don’t get me wrong. However, saying yes to bullies and unsavory people won’t necessarily keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being but won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that bullies never make good on their promises that they’ll “leave you alone if you’ll only” do xyz, and the harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse still!

So, say no anyway. You may indeed end up with a shiner and a fat lip. However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Realize that saying yes to some people, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

Remember. The goal here is to take back your personal power and saying no is the most effective way to do it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that f you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

 The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and people who don’t value you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a parent raising children, or you have an ailing mother who depends on you, it’s only natural that you would put your family ahead of yourself- that’s a given. We all have an obligation to our families.

It’s also a given (or should be) that you always put God ahead of everyone else, including yourself. Again, that’s completely understandable, and more than that, it’s expected.

But when you’re in a toxic environment, around people who want to use and take you for granted, understand that you are top priority and to hell with them if they don’t like it.

Expect some, especially bullies and abusers, to tell you that putting yourself first is selfish or greedy. Because they will. They’ll say that taking care of yourself only means that you’re self-centered.

Bullies and abusers will tell you these lies to shame you into staying around and silently taking their abuse. However, don’t fall for that crap!

Continue to do you and the naysayers will eventually go away and find some other sucker to toy around with. That’s when you’ll know that you have taken back control of your life.

5. Make your needs a priority

This means that your needs come first, then you can take care of others if you must. Realize that constantly putting other’s needs before your own will only leave you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

How can you have time to pursue your own interests when people are constantly haranguing you for favors? When you make too much time for others, you’ll have no time left for yourself.

Therefore ,your own productivity goes down when you limit your own time for other people’s priorities.

Moreover, when you’re too available for others, your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you. Even worse, it will slowly erode your confidence and self-esteem.

 Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for meeting your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Practice these five steps and you will no longer be a people pleaser. Instead, you will have control of your life and ensure your own peace of mind.

This post was all about how to stop being a people pleaser so that you can free yourself from others’ demands and take back your freedom and peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

5. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

Why You Should Unlock Your Confidence

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Confidence is the most important characteristic you can ever have. Not only does it ward off bullies in school, it brings you good things all through life. It does not matter how smart you are or how high your grades are.

You can have five PhDs and be the smartest person on the face of the earth. But if you don’t have confidence, you will not be able to effectively communicate nor interact with people. Your social/people skills will be lacking and you won’t get anywhere in life.

confidence brings positive change in your social life

Whether you choose to believe this, the reality is that other people really do have control over whether we succeed or fail in life. Other people are the gatekeepers to our success and if you think otherwise, you are only fooling yourself.

I’ll give you a few examples: You can’t get that high position you want without being selected for the job by another person- the interviewer, who could be the owner of the company, an HR manager, or supervisor.

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Even during school, although the vast majority of teachers and professors are honest and grade students fairly regardless of how they may feel about the individual, it’s still not unheard of for a student to receive a failing grade solely because the instructor didn’t like them. It does happen, though not often.

Confidence= great people skills= charm= great friends and connections= success!!! Great people skills will always trump smarts, good grades, high marks, and college degrees! Always!

confidence or lack of it always shows.

Confidence, or lack thereof, is something that people notice right away when they meet you for the first time. When you walk into a job interview and meet your interviewer, he is going to notice right away whether you are confident in yourself and if you’re not, chances are very unlikely that you will get hired for that esteemed position that you have been coveting. The reason for this is that if you’re not confident in yourself, how then can you expect others to be confident in you?

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Make no mistake about it. Confidence is the number one ingredient in all areas of your life. It’s the first trait that potential employers look for and not only potential employers but also prospective associates, prospective customers, friends, and dates. Whether or not you are confident is something that everyone looks at unless they are so low on confidence themselves that they can’t afford to be the least bit selective.

guard your confidence and self-esteem as you would your life!

This is why you must never let a bully take away your confidence. If another person has already taken it away, you must fight like crazy to get it back. You do this by surrounding yourself with people who love you and lift you up, doing the things you enjoy and are good at, showing off your talents, taking care of yourself, and taking pride in yourself and in your appearance. Only then will you begin to see your own worth.

If a person steals your confidence, they also steal your potential for success and happy life. In short, they steal your future. Bullies are confidence thieves! Never surrender your confidence to anyone! This brings me back to Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said it best when he made this quote:

“If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.”

How right he was!

Bullied Kids Embracing the Suck

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Embracing The Suck

Life circumstances can sometimes trap young targets of bullying in a school that hates them. It’s easier to get out of a toxic environment when you’re an adult target bullied at work. you can transfer, and if you can’t transfer, you can always quit. However, when you’re a minor, it’s almost impossible. What if your family cannot afford to move to a new school district? Also, what if your parents refuse to move or to transfer you? What if your parents can’t afford to home-school you?

There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a toxic environment and in a horrible situation. When everyone in the school is bullying you and there’s no way of escaping it, it’s the feeling of entrapment! Just imagine finding yourself in this situation and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it! You can’t get away from it! You’re just stuck there!

So, What Do You Do?

You embrace the suck. Embracing the suck means that you just grin and bear it. You just accept the god-awful, crappy mess that plagues your life because there’s no other choice. In other words, you’re just plain screwed and there’s no way out of it. You decide to live with it and  make peace with the possibility that things may not get any better. And yes, it sucks!

Sadly, targeted kids are stuck in schools with a toxic culture of bullying. Other classmates attack these kids daily. They attack them psychologically and physically. Teachers and principals view these children unfavorably because bullies have them convinced that the targets are the instigators. Therefore, school staff are constantly watching these young targets, waiting for a reason to drag them into the principal’s office.

These kids suffer from plummeting grades and poor school performance because circumstances force them to live in survival mode. Why? Because preparing for a hostile learning environment takes priority over studying and learning. Therefore, school staff see them as lazy and hopeless and refuse to give them the extra help they need.

Gee! That’s an awful lot of suck!

And how much suck can one child deal with?

Understand that if you’re a child dealing with these types of circumstance, you don’t have to just “embrace the suck.” There’s always School Choice. Nowadays, families can apply for vouchers that allow them to transfer their child to a new school. These vouchers have saved countless targets from years of toxicity. Also, there are other things you can do if, by chance, School Choice isn’t an option where you live:

  • document the bullying and have your parent or legal guardian help you with your documentation.
  • Also, depending on the jurisdiction you live in, hide a body cam or digital device in your backpack or on your person.
  • Thirdly, practice self-care.

And keep the faith. School Choice may not be available in your area now but it doesn’t mean it won’t be later.

You are not completely powerless. Do the above three things because they are the things you have control over. When you document and record the bullying, and practice self-care, not only is it probable that you’ll change the dynamic, but you’ll feel so much better about yourself. You will also feel that you have, at least, some control.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Meet Your Bullies Where They Are

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“What does this mean?” You may ask. It means that you must speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

Put simpler, when a bully is in your face, they will go no holds barred and you can’t afford to be nice about it. There is no being polite. There is no way to handle a bully “nicely” because they will only see that as weakness and use it to their advantage. Also, there is no being quiet because a bully will take your silence as being afraid.

In other words, never try to handle a bully politely. Again, you must speak to the bully in the only language they understand. And what they don’t understand is nice and polite.

For example, the bully is in your personal space and they’re cursing you out. That’s when you put your hand out like a traffic cop. Then, you tell them in no uncertain terms to get the hell out of your face.

Sometimes, nice and polite doesn’t work

Understand that once you’ve done everything to try and defuse the situation peacefully and the bully keeps coming back, it’s time to get down and dirty. Remember that you’re in a battle and when you’re in a battle, there’s no time to hold back and try to be the bigger person. Because when it reaches this level, that’s when things can get dangerous fast.

You must be willing to go off on the bully and think nothing of it. You have to call them out and you can’t do it being nice. Sometimes you need to get nasty. There are times you must get just as dirty as they do and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You’re in a situation where you could get hurt and you must protect yourself by any means necessary but legal. And self-defense is legal.

Remember that the only rights you have are those you fight for.

This is not the time to be concerned with what people think

In school, I have classmates tell me, “You shouldn’t have cursed so-and-so out because you only stoop to their (the bullies’) level.” Really? However, it’s funny how they never said a word to the bully, who had me backed in a corner and was unloading on me and all of a sudden, I was the bad guy for using bad words.

Realize that when you’re forced to get just as nasty as a bully, there will be people who try to tell you the same thing. Instead of worrying about their reaction, always come back with, “Funny, you never said a word during all the times they were doing the same to me, so you have nothing to say about my behavior. Now, get lost!” And say it with conviction and without guilt.

“It’s not ladylike,” they say? Well, it’s not ladylike for the bully either. It goes both ways.

It’s about putting yourself before them

Tell them how you feel and what you think of them because you can’t be nice when you’re dealing with people who wish to harm you. You have to get funky with it! You must put your bitch-face on when things get hot. When some schmuck is in your face, nice and polite goes out the window.

And once they find out that you aren’t as weak as they thought, they just might back off and think twice before confronting you again.

Therefore, meet the bully where they are.

Drinking Dirty Water Means You’re Thirsty

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You might look at the title of this post and think, “Well, duh!” So, let me put it another way.

Just because you’re thirsty doesn’t mean you have to drink dirty water. Even if it seems that dirty water is all that’s available. In other words, don’t let loneliness cause you to go back to toxic people just because good people are hard to find.

“Settling for toxic friends because you’re lonely is like drinking dirty water because you’re thirsty.”  – Cherie White –

Many times, when you finally get enough of being used and abused by fake friends and decide once and for all to walk away, you may be alone for a while. Life may put you to the test to see if you’re really and truly done with the creeps you once, very naively, called friends. Even worse, life may decide to drag it out over a few weeks or months just to test your strength.

This happens with many targets of bullying. And, consequently, they may wait a little while, but eventually they cave in and go back to the same people who treated them so badly. Or the target may allow their frenemies to sweet-talk them back into the friendship. However, what happens once they do go back?

Patience is a Must!

It’s true that these fake friends may be extra friendly. They treat the target well for a few days, weeks, or maybe even a month. However, they will eventually go back to treating the target shabbily again. Why? Because they see any second chance the target gave them as evidence that he was only bluffing when he broke off the friendship.

You’ll only look desperate, or, as the kids say today, “thirsty.” And ewww! that’s not a good look at all! Cringe is what it is!

Therefore, these fakers only lose respect for the target and no longer take him seriously. Even worse, if the target again gets tired of the abuse and walks away a second time, the fakes will only look at each other and say, “he’ll be back. He just needs to cool off.”

There’s a reason for the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I’m all for giving second chances, don’t get me wrong. Because people screw up from time to time. However, you should use judgement when doing so. Who is it that you’re giving the chance to? And have they blown any chances you’ve given in the past? ‘Very important!

Don’t Give Chances to Those Who Only Abuse Them

Again, second chances are fine. Just make sure you don’t end up giving them a third chance, fourth chance, and so on. And realize that there are instances when even a second chance isn’t deserved- there are some things you just can’t come back from. So, if you decide to give another chance, make this your rule of thumb- the second chance is always the last chance. If they blow that chance, that’s it and it’s on them.

When it comes to situations such as this, you must stick to your guns. Otherwise, your fake friends, your bullies, and others who are around to see it will only use you as a cat toy.

Therefore, when you walk away from fake friends, do it and mean it! Do it with the presumption that you may have to wait a spell before better friends find you. Then stick it out! Wouldn’t you rather be by yourself rather than with people who only use and abuse you? If you’re going to be alone anyway, it might as well be for a damn good reason. Because nothing feels worse than being alone…in a group!

The next time you get fed up with shabby treatment and decide to walk, don’t let loneliness cause you to go back to toxic people. Be patient and wait it out! I promise you that better people will come along eventually. Dry spells don’t last forever and if you hold true to yourself and stick it out, you will have better friends. And they will be people who are worth your time and consideration- people who deserve to have you in their lives.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Importance of Forgiveness

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Forgiving your bullies and anyone who’s ever wronged you isn’t easy, but it’s the most important thing you can do for yourself.

I know, I know! I can practically hear the groans of dread and scoffs coming from a few already. To be honest, I once had the same attitude myself anytime someone advised me to forgive.  I wasn’t ready to because I hadn’t healed yet.

Sometimes, you need time to process the abuse you suffered and heal before you can forgive. Completely understandable! And only you can know when you’re ready. Understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the transgression they committed against you is okay, nor does it mean that you have to buddy up with the person who wronged you. But when you’re ready to forgive, it will only benefit you, not your attacker.

Allow me to delve a little deeper:

Forgiveness is a must! It is a prerequisite for re-empowerment and happiness. It’s not about letting anyone off the hook; it’s about setting yourself free from the toxic feelings of anger and hate, which will hold you back.

This message is for targets of bullying today and for survivors of bullying. Forgive them when you’re ready. I can tell you that for me, the ability to forgive was like a huge weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. There’s truly no better feeling!

Anytime you hold on to grudges and hate for a person, that individual controls you whether you realize it or not. They may have exerted control over the years they bullied you, but you don’t have to let them control the rest of your life.

Let me put it another way, holding onto and carrying around anger and hate doesn’t hurt the person it’s aimed at. It hurts you. Because the people you hate and hold grudges against either don’t know about it, or they don’t care.

While you’re sitting around stewing over someone who did you wrong, that person could care less. They’re going on with their lives and not giving you so much as a thought. So, why should you allow them to take up space in your mind?

Forgiveness is the only solution to this problem. It’s the only way that you will be able to take back control of your life.

If you want to be happy, successful, and live in peace, forgive the people who wronged you. It’s the only way!

With knowledge comes empowerment!