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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

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Do you want to know the best ways to stop being a people pleaser? These steps are the best time-tested ways that you must know and practice.

how to stop being a people pleaser

Being a people pleaser can be downright overwhelming because you’re too busy trying to please others to take care of your own needs. If you’re like I was, you’re probably wondering how to stop being a people pleaser.

You are going to learn exactly how to stop being a people pleaser by learning the actions you should take to get there.

Once you learn about all these steps, you will finally free yourself from the impulse to people please, Also, you will be surprised at how much happier and freer you’ll be.

This post is all about how to stop being a people pleaser, so that you can finally take care of your own needs and live a freer and more peaceful and relaxing life.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Before we get into the steps, let’s refresh ourselves a little. What is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who constantly puts others’ wants and needs before their own. But, why do some many feel the need to people please?

There are many reasons. However, the most common reason for people pleasing is to seek and win approval from others. Other reasons include:

1. To avoid conflict

2. Low self-esteem

3. Insecurity

4. The desire to be liked and win friends

5. The fear of retaliation.

For example, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll be harmed. This is because, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves and say anything bullies and their helpers don’t want to hear.

Don’t be a simp!

Realize that being a people pleaser rarely produces the desired outcome. In fact, in most cases, it only produces the exact opposite of what you want.

To put it in simpler terms, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, people only lose respect for you. Understand that people know a people pleaser when they spot one.

If anything, they will only look down on you with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity. Moreover, you attract users and abusers. The term, “people pleaser” is just another word for “simp.”

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval or to avoid conflict. Realize that conflict is a part of life and you must gather the courage to deal with it.

Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

Here’s how to stop being a people pleaser:

1. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. However, people pleasers have no boundaries and other people quickly take notice of that, then take full advantage.

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect.

Setting boundaries, on the other hand, shows that you have self-respect. It also shows that you’re not afraid to make your needs a priority even if it makes other people angry.

Why? Because you fully understand that the reason these people become angry with you is because they’re afraid that the benefits they’ve been getting at your expense are about to stop.

Stop giving too much of yourself to people who don’t appreciate you. Also, stop giving at your own expense.

You must realize that how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Therefore, know that you deserve better!

2. Another way to Stop being a people pleaser is to Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents and older family members teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, if we overdo it, it can backfire.

Sadly, if you’re a victim of bullying, you probably apologize way too much because others have bullied you for so long. Consequently, all your over-apologizing only gives others the green light to  blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong.

Therefore, you must stop apologizing for things that don’t need an apology. Realize that this overwhelming urge to apologize needlessly is only a knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear.

Your incessant apologies are ways to appease others. Also, it’s a way to make them go away and leave you alone. So, you must address this fear and confront it head-on.

Understand that you don’t have to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with. There’s no need to apologize for anything that was beyond your control.

You must realize that over apologizing is a self-defeating habit. Moreover, regardless of what you might think, it won’t protect you from further abuse.

Even if, on the off chance, it does save you from retaliative abuse, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

Therefore, you must realize that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give bullies undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. Moreover, you display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less a victim.

3. Say no, and say it often.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Therefore, you must say no and say it often. And yes. This means gathering the courage to say no to people who are used to hearing yes. In other words, you must say no to people who probably don’t take no for an answer.

Therefore, saying no is risky, don’t get me wrong. However, saying yes to bullies and unsavory people won’t necessarily keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being but won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that bullies never make good on their promises that they’ll “leave you alone if you’ll only” do xyz, and the harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse still!

So, say no anyway. You may indeed end up with a shiner and a fat lip. However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Realize that saying yes to some people, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

Remember. The goal here is to take back your personal power and saying no is the most effective way to do it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that f you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

 The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and people who don’t value you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a parent raising children, or you have an ailing mother who depends on you, it’s only natural that you would put your family ahead of yourself- that’s a given. We all have an obligation to our families.

It’s also a given (or should be) that you always put God ahead of everyone else, including yourself. Again, that’s completely understandable, and more than that, it’s expected.

But when you’re in a toxic environment, around people who want to use and take you for granted, understand that you are top priority and to hell with them if they don’t like it.

Expect some, especially bullies and abusers, to tell you that putting yourself first is selfish or greedy. Because they will. They’ll say that taking care of yourself only means that you’re self-centered.

Bullies and abusers will tell you these lies to shame you into staying around and silently taking their abuse. However, don’t fall for that crap!

Continue to do you and the naysayers will eventually go away and find some other sucker to toy around with. That’s when you’ll know that you have taken back control of your life.

5. Make your needs a priority

This means that your needs come first, then you can take care of others if you must. Realize that constantly putting other’s needs before your own will only leave you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

How can you have time to pursue your own interests when people are constantly haranguing you for favors? When you make too much time for others, you’ll have no time left for yourself.

Therefore ,your own productivity goes down when you limit your own time for other people’s priorities.

Moreover, when you’re too available for others, your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you. Even worse, it will slowly erode your confidence and self-esteem.

 Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for meeting your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Practice these five steps and you will no longer be a people pleaser. Instead, you will have control of your life and ensure your own peace of mind.

This post was all about how to stop being a people pleaser so that you can free yourself from others’ demands and take back your freedom and peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

5. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

What Babies Can Teach Us About Confidence

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Babies are so adorable! They have that charm and innocence that no other age group has. They don’t worry about what others think of them and they never try to impress others. These little darlings display sweetness, purity, complete authenticity, and hearts of gold.

Babies have not a care in the world what people think of them. They have no inhibitions whatsoever. They’re not afraid to cry and express their wants and needs. You can see it in the way little toddlers shamelessly coo, laugh, babble, skip, run, and dance. And they’ll do it in front of anyone. These little sweeties are fearless. They’re not afraid to show their emotions, express their thoughts, show their creativity.

Furthermore, their precious little souls are completely open. They give, share, and receive love with an open and grateful heart. They love being loved and doted on and will receive it with a soft coo or laugh.

Everything starts with self-love and babies are a perfect example of it.

Sadly, as time passes and these babies grow bigger, the ways of people and the world slowly and incrementally taint their little hearts. Many grow up in toxic environments and with parents who excessively criticize and abuse them.

Therefore, they build a protective wall around themselves to try and keep the contamination out. Because family members and others discount, ridicule, even punish them for their feelings, they learn to mask those feelings. They collect emotional baggage as they become preschoolers, school-aged kids, then teenagers, and finally, adults.

Also, many are raised by drug-addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful adults and they build walls to protect themselves from that as well. Therefore, many must learn to raise themselves.

None of us have low self-esteem and lack of confidence at birth. Either ell-meaning family members who wish to keep us humble and sweet, instill those characteristics in us or bullies and abusers force-fed them to us.

Consequently, many adults will cause a baby to grow up thinking that they are unlovable. They don’t feel they deserve to have their wants and needs met. Thus, they grow up filled with either anger and self-loathing, or sadness and depression.

Life Has Ways of Eroding That Confidence and Goodness We Were Born With.

We all go through these terrible changes, even those who aren’t bullied. Only few people in this world manage to keep that confidence and joy they were born with. Furthermore, life’s disappointments, hurts, and heartaches have ways of doing these things to all of us. However, the worse changes happen to targets of bullying and abuse.

They stop expressing emotions and give up asking for anything. Why? Because sometime during their childhoods, other people conditioned them. They conditioned them to think that they’re self-centered and wrong for ever needing or wanting anything out of life.

Therefore, they resign themselves to the attitude that, things are “just the way they are” and that there’s nothing they can do to change anything.

Consequently, when you tell them about self-love and how important it is, they wince at the idea because it makes them uncomfortable. But, again, other people program them to think that self-love is somehow self-absorbed and evil. I can relate to this because, when I was thirteen and fourteen years old, I did the exact same when I was first told about the idea of self-love and self-care.

The thought of looking at myself in the mirror every day and telling myself “I love you” or “You’re beautiful,” “You’re Smart,” “You’re awesome,” etc., felt both weird. In fact, it felt downright sickening because I was under the impression that it was all a sign of sheer vanity.

It’s Sad When People Can Successfully Condition You to Believe that Self-love is Vanity

Self-love can feel downright painful after you’ve wasted years and decades hating and degrading yourself. After all, it’s not something you’re accustomed to practicing. Anything new and out of the ordinary feels painful at first. Like all things, it must first become a habit. And it can only become habit through rigorous learning and practice.

‘You see? My bullies and a few abusive others sold me on the idea that any form of self-care or self-love was abhorrent and self-serving. I was under the misguided belief that self-degradation and self-criticism was a virtue. It was a sign of being humble and meek. Therefore, I thought that was what normal people did, as I watched a few family members do the same thing.

Some of my family members still do this at times and it breaks my heart. If only they could see, I mean, truly see their value. . In my eyes, their worth is more than that of gold.

The truth is that self-hatred is the equivalent of having a millstone hung from your neck. You drag it around everywhere you go because it’s exhausting. Therefore, it zaps your energy. It takes the magic, wonder, and excitement from your life. And it keeps you stuck and worse, invites more disrespect and abuse from others.

Self-love doesn’t equal Vanity, It equals Virtue!

Self-love can only come from within, never from without. It doesn’t come from a partner, a spouse, or a boatload of friends. It can’t come from a banging body or fancy clothes, hairdos, or makeup. Money can’t buy self-love. Power doesn’t give it to you and neither does prestige. Self-love comes from the heart and only the heart.

Additionally, self-love is about self-acceptance and being perfectly okay with your imperfections. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin and not caring even the slightest what others think or say of you.

In order to find peace and joy in life, self-love is a must-have. It helps you to achieve your goals and realize your dreams and aspirations. It determines your outcomes- whether you succeed or fail. Also, it helps you to better re-frame bad situations and see them as learning experiences. Self-esteem and self-love give you peace of mind.

In a nutshell, self-love gives you complete freedom! It is the key to happiness and joy!

Don’t you think you deserve to be at peace with yourself? Don’t you think you deserve happiness and joy? I do.

So, be like a baby. Love yourself. Know that your true colors are vibrant and never be afraid to show them. Dance like you’ve never been ridiculed. And play like you’ve never fallen and scraped your knee. Express your emotions. Love, laugh, and live.

You’ll be surprised at how everything will change for the better! I promise!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Change to Appease Bullies

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Bullies are notorious for demanding that their targets change- that targets change something about themselves that they (the bullies) don’t like. We know that bullies point out anything they don’t like about targets to divert the attention of everyone else away from their own shortcomings and imperfections.

You should always be yourself and never allow bullies to change you. Here are the reasons why:

1. If the bullies can’t find something wrong with you, they’ll invent something wrong with you. If you want to better yourself- get an education, lose weight, get a better job, better home, etc., that’s completely normal because you’re doing those things for yourself. You’re making sensible changes and not to please anyone else.

But if you’re content with your life and some idiot demands you change something about yourself that they don’t like- something that’s not harming anyone, then you have a right to tell that person to go take a long walk off a short pier. Who are they to tell you that you should change?

2. Trying to be someone you aren’t to please others requires too much effort. Why would you want to expend so much work to fake your way through life? You’ll be watching every word that comes out of your mouth and every step you make, which means, you’ll be in a constant state of high alert because you’ll always worry what others think of you. Even if you do get accepted by others by being fake, it won’t make you happy. This is no way to live!

3. There will always be those who don’t like you no matter what you do. Therefore, all that extended effort, just to be liked, is all for naught. You’ll be jumping through hoops for other people. You’ll be shape-shifting yourself into a pretzel and in most cases, it doesn’t make people like you any better. What it does is cause you to live a life of undue stress and anxiety. Is that how you want to live? I hope not.

4. Genuine people and those who matter will only lose respect for you. Let’s be real here. No one likes nor respects a person who is fake. You won’t be taken seriously and, in most cases, you’ll only be bullied worse for your willingness to bend over backwards to gain acceptance. In other words, you’ll only get the opposite outcomes to what you hope for. How disappointing!

Sadly, I see people living in fear- being careful not to say the words, “mother,” “father,” “man,” “woman,” “he” or “she.” And I can only shake my head is dismay and embarrassment.

I write this because we live in a world that is trying to change us and what it wants to change us into is utterly ridiculous. No, wait! Ridiculous isn’t the word for it. Insane is a more appropriate word.

For example, bullies aren’t the only people who will try to change you. The media and other puppet masters also want us to change- even change the way we speak. They want to eliminate the words, “mother,” “father,” “sister,” “brother,” any word that identifies genders of family relatives. It’s crazy!

If they want to use different terms, then fine. To each their own. But how dare they demand that the rest of us change for them?

Who do they think they are?

Since when do they decide how we speak, what we believe, and how we behave?

Who died and made them lords over the rest of us?

And who are they to decide what’s right and what’s wrong?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell these radicals that they do not get to decide how I nor anyone else speaks, behaves, or lives.

Understand that they are bullies themselves and are well-known for pushing boundaries and intruding on others. They have to be bullies to burn down people’s homes, businesses, and entire cities to make a point. They must be bullies to assault little old couples or children on the street.

And they’re so arrogant that they feel entitled to tell the rest of us what words we should say to identify members of our families. Again, who do they think they are? This is a blatant attempt at power and control.

And the media and universities have now become a brand of police- also telling us how we should speak, act, and think. Here’s my take on it- I think this gender inclusion crap is a bunch of hogwash. God help them if they were ever told how to live!

These people suggest that the word “mother” be replaced with “gestational parent” or “birthing parent,” and the word “father” be replaced with “non-gestational parent,” or “non-birthing parent.” What???

As I said, I, as well as most others, could care less how other people live. Whatever floats their boat, I always say. You do what makes you happy and allow me to do what makes me happy. In short, you do you and let me do me.

And that’s the message I have for the radicals out there: I don’t stick my nose into your business, so kindly keep your nose out of mine. Go away and leave the rest of us alone. Get a life. Get a job. Get a family. Get a dog! And get a life!

Because, at the end of the day, we’re all just people. And all most people want is to freely practice their faith, raise their families, make a living, and be left alone. Nothing more.

Sadly, bullies don’t know how to leave people alone because they’re determined to violate boundaries. Bullies are all about power and control. They’re all about domination over others. That’s why it’s up to us to stand strong and refuse to change for them. It’s up to us to live our lives the way we want and to live life on our terms. Understand that bullies only have the power we allow them to have.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here’s What it Means to Begin Seeing Your Worth

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It means refusing to stay around people who don’t.

It means eliminating drama from your life.

It means not settling for less than you deserve.

It means having the willingness to be alone rather than to put up with shoddy treatment.

It means loving yourself enough to know when it’s time to walk away.

It means not caring what others think or say of you.

It means embracing the dislike of a few people who don’t matter anyhow.

It means letting go of toxic people, even if we love them, and not being concerned with the outcome.

It means having the guts to say “no” and saying it without guilt.

It means being nit-picky of the people you let in your life.

It means being a bitch when the situation calls for it.

It means not feeling guilty about putting yourself first and being a little selfish.

It means giving yourself a margin for error- allowing yourself to make mistakes and to learn from them.

It means not being afraid to fail.

It means embracing the good, bad, and downright ugly parts of yourself.

It means being comfortable in your skin.

But most of all, it means freedom! The freedom to be human! And to celebrate yourself!

Why Self-Love Doesn’t Mean Self-Centered

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Some people get the two confused. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you’re self-centered. But you can bet that bullies will accuse their target of it when they realize she’s growing a backbone.

Understand that when you start loving yourself enough not to take your bullies’ opinions of you seriously, the bullies will take notice of it right away. They’ll realize that they no longer have power over you. To get that power back, they will try like the devil to guilt you by accusing you of either selfishness or self-centeredness.

Don’t fall for that con game! When bullies lose the benefits they’ve grown accustomed to getting at your expense, they always get irate. Right or wrong, whenever someone has had power over another person for a long time and has gotten used to having that power, then suddenly loses it, of course, they’re going to be upset- and intensely so.

But don’t concern yourself with how your bullies feel. After all, they never gave a thought to your feelings the entire time they jerked you around.

Ditch these people! The sooner, the better! You’re not being selfish by choosing to put yourself first. What you’re doing is having the courage to love yourself and treat yourself better.

Realize that the bullies are the self-centered ones, in expecting you to go on being their doormat. No one has the right to expect you to put up with something they wouldn’t tolerate if it were happening to them.

To expect any differently from another person than what they’d do shows a complete lack of respect for people other than themselves and is sheer arrogance, self-entitlement, and stupidity.

There’s a name for this- double-standard!

Remember that we teach others how to treat us. And how we teach them to treat us is by how well we treat ourselves- by the boundaries we set, our ability to say “no,” and whether we continue to allow them to be in our lives.

So, treat yourself well! You’re worth it!

4 Reasons Why You Should Never be Afraid to Be Alone

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“If you aren’t afraid to be alone, you’ll more than likely have the courage to walk away from relationships that are bad for you.”

– Cherie White –

I won’t kid you. Being alone can sometimes make a person vulnerable. However, being surrounded by negative people makes you just as vulnerable if not more so. Therefore, being alone can be much better than keeping company with spiteful people who only bring you down.

As difficult as it may be, sometimes you must weed out all these ungrateful souls who don’t see your worth to make room for more positive, caring, and loving people to come in.

1. People will let you down at some point. Get rid of anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself and only keep company with those who love and respect you. Keep the people in your life who value your opinions, even when those opinions are strong.

2. Not everyone who smiles at you is in your corner.

3. It’s easier to get rid of people who are toxic.

4. It’s easier to say goodbye to relationships that only hinder growth.

If someone is not treating you like you deserve to be treated, never be afraid to let them go, even if it seems that they’re your only options at the moment.

Remember that we must do things that don’t feel comfortable and that are downright scary for any positive change to happen.

Positive change requires that we take risks!