Tag: projection

blame

Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

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Do you want to know how to stop victim blaming by knowing and calling out the reasons why people blame targets for the bad behavior of others? Here are 7 proven reasons why bystanders are so quick to blame victims when other people bully them.

stop victim blaming

Being blamed for other people’s abuse of you frustrates you and breaks your heart so much more than the initial abuse itself. This is why it’s imperative that we stop victim blaming. Also, we must pause and listen to targets when they speak out against their abusers.

Also, it’s equally important that you be your own voice and learn the tools to do so.

If you’re anything like I was, you’re probably searching for information on why bystanders do this. Moreover, you want to know better ways to call it all out when you speak out against bullying.

As someone who has been in the same spot myself, I’m giving you the reasons why bystanders blame you and side with your bullies. Moreover, I’m giving you ways call it by name and stand tall when bullies attempt to silence you.

In this post, you will learn how to get bystanders to stop victim blaming by learning the reasons why they do it.

Once you learn all these causes, you will then be able to call both bullies and bystanders out bravely and confidently. You will then become a powerful advocate not only for yourself, but for anyone who suffers bullying and abuse.

This post is all about how to get others to stop victim-blaming by knowing and calling out the reasons why they do it.

Why won’t they Stop victim blaming?

One thing I’m certain of is that every target of bullying, has at some point asked either themselves or another person these questions: “Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”

Here are the answers, and there are many:

1. Bullies are very convincing liars.

Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what doesn’t.

Therefore, they are master manipulators who acquire great skill in the arts of deception.

Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are wordsmiths and con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.

2. Bullies are masters at projection.

In other words, they project all their faults and shortcomings onto their targets. In doing this, they successfully reverse the roles, making the target look like the bully and themselves the victim.

Anytime bullies and abusers face possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry, feigning victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.

3. Why Don’t Bystanders Stop Victim Blaming?

Bullies are very charming to the right people.

Consequently, people can use this as another weapon against a target. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Nevertheless, they have a way of winning people over and making them their allies.

“How are charming bullies able to use their good reputations as weapons?” you may wonder. Here’s a simple explanation.

 When the bully has a good name among the majority, it’s much easier for her to fool everyone (except the target). Others find it hard to believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone.

Moreover, take a look at the outgoing guy that everyone loves. No one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.

4. Because this person has so many friends who cherish them.

And the sad reality is this. Even if the bully’s friends did witness them undertake any wrongdoing, they will still more than likely cover-up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on you.

5. Another reason why witnesses won’t stop victim blaming. There is strength in numbers.

Unfortunately, most bullies have a large number of friends behind them. And people in large numbers wield a cumulative power that can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent of targets.

In other words, if enough people actively hate a certain person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful, or easy-going they may be.

6. Bullies use gaslighting.

In other words, they try to make you feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips or hurling insults. Also, bullies try to convince you that it’s your own fault or that the abuse is just your imagination.

Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

Moreover, bullies will deny their abuse and trivialize everything you are experiencing. “Don’t believe your eyes, ears, nor how you feel. You’re too sensitive.”

Perhaps THE most effective gaslighting tactics bullies use is to make you look like you have a mental imbalance.

Why? Because the tough reality is that there’s nothing that will discredit you more than the mental illness label. Nothing!

7. Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility:

Moreover, they recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you. They do this by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you.

This occurs to targets regularly in school, the workplace, and in communities. Many times, this is how bullies retaliate against victims who have the gall to stand up to them.

Bullies hate it when you begin refusing to take their abuse.

8. Why Won’t They Stop Victim Blaming?

Blaming the Victim Appeals to the Self-Interests of the entity in charge.

For example, if it’s a school, the bullies may excel academically or be stars of one of the school’s sports teams. Schools have a vested interest in their sports teams and want to win championships. Why? Because it bolsters the school’s image.

Also, if the school has a low number of dropouts and high graduation rate, particularly those who are candidates for colleges, this also reflects highly on the school.

And if the school has a great reputation, the larger number of attending students they’re likely to have, and the more parents likely would want their kids to attend. And the more students they have, the more funding the school gets from their state.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

So, right or wrong, why would the school side with anyone other than its brightest stars and highest achievers?

I want you to realize that in most cases of bullying, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about who is perceived to have the most power.

Again, most people care less about right and wrong. What they care about is power and how you can benefit them in some way, shape, or form.

“What’s in it for me?”

Why Would they stop victim blaming? They’ve gotten lots of advantages from it.

Bullies get several benefits from victim-Blaming.

1. Bullies use it to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most who have been in school have a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal.

However, too many fights, provoke or unprovoked, victims risk the chance of people labeling them “troublemakers.”

2. Destroying the target’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of them being listened to. Bullies can’t chance the target running and “snitching” to members of the authority.

Therefore, this protects them from discipline at school or work. Moreover, it allows them the freedom to do whatever they want to the target whenever they feel like it.

3. Bullies and abusers also use this tactic to silence the target. Also, they mean to make victims afraid to report the bullying or speak out about it.

Targets get the blame because, sadly, the attitudes of most bystanders and members of authority are these:

“Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?”

“Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”

“She’s a lowlife, so she deserves it!”

After all, who will look any further than the child with the worst reputation at school or the employee who isn’t much of a team player? They’re the easiest to point the guilty finger at anytime a confrontation arises?

In other words, if people expect trouble to come from a certain place, that is where they’re going to look. Therefore, the target is under suspicion and the bully gets off scot-free.

Again, it’s all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and, therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.

Targets not only need the confidence to fight bullying but also knowledge of bullies. The first step of defense is knowing the mindsets and intentions of bullies and the tactics they use.

This post is all about the reasons why Bystanders and authority victim-Blame and how targets can persuade others to stop victim blaming.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

5. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

gaslighting phrases

Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

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Would you like to know gaslighting phrases so that you can see and hear gaslighting as it happens? These are the most common statements bullies will use to make you doubt yourself.

gaslighting phrases

When bullies hurl gaslighting statements your way, it can be twice as hurtful. Why? Because they victimize you a second time after you call out the initial abuse. As one who’s personally experienced this kind of behavior, I’m giving you the top gaslighting phrases to keep an ear out for.

You are going to learn the most common gaslighting phrases bullies use against their targets.

After you learn about all these statements, you will be better prepared with the proper comebacks to shut these creeps down. Moreover, you will have a greater chance of taking back control of your life.

This post is all about the most common gaslighting phrases that every target of bullying should watch for.

Gaslighting phrases:

Before we begin with the seven most common phrases used by gaslighters, I will mention the definition and goal of gaslighting for anyone who is new to this topic.

So, what is gaslighting?

Gaslighting comes from the 1940s film, “Gaslight,” in which an abusive husband exploits his wife by trying to convince her that she is going crazy. Another word for this type of abuse is “crazymaking.”

Gaslighting is a form of abuse that bullies and abusers inflict by saying things to cause their victims to doubt themselves and their own personal experiences. Moreover, the goal of gaslighting is for bullies to wield more power over the victim while diminishing their account of the abuse they suffer.

It is a sick and perverse mind game abusers play with their targets. So, what are the most common gaslighting phases bullies use and what do they sound like?

1. “You’re only imagining things.”

Bullies and abusers use this phrase to get you to doubt your own reality and question your own sanity. Furthermore, they aim to discredit you and to prompt bystanders and witnesses to question you as well. It’s so easy, it shouldn’t work.

But it does work, perhaps, a little too well!

By using this phrase (usually in front of an audience) the gaslighter attacks your ability to remember things accurately. Just as they do with the first statement, they discredit you by making you seem paranoid to others around them.

Moreover, they use this phrase to humiliate and silence you. Bullies hope that by doing this, they can silence you by making you so afraid of looking crazy that you’ll keep your mouth shut.

In short, this phrase has many goals: To discredit, embarrass, intimidate, and silence you.

This is why so many victims of this tactic eventually stop talking, while bullies and abusers only continue and escalate the abuse.

2. “That Didn’t happen.”

This is another deceitful response bullies and abusers quote to discredit you. This statement is also designed to make you look as if you have a faulty memory and can’t keep your story straight.

Moreover, when bullies make this statement, they make sure to look confident when they say it. They also say it with conviction. Here’s one thing you should know right now!

Abusers know that confidence (even false confidence) and conviction are THE two ingredients that will make any lie believable to bystanders.

So, be sure to keep this last bold sentence in the back of your mind! Always!

3. “You’re crazy!”

This is, perhaps, the worst of all gaslighting phrases.

Yep. There’s that crazy label again. Attacking your mental stability is the worst thing your bullies and abusers could ever do to you. The reason is that society believes those with mental illness the least, discredits them the most, and treats them the worst.

Moreover, hardened criminals and former prison inmates get better treatment than people who are believed to be mentally unstable. The reality is that people will take the word of a bank robber, rapist, or even a murderer over that of someone society has labelled mentally ill.

Bullies and abusers instinctively know this. And when they attack your sanity, they immediately shove you down to the bottom of the societal hierarchy. Furthermore, tearing off this label is the most difficult thing to do.

It’s much easier to exonerate yourself from accusations of a heinous crime than it is from the label of insanity or mental defect.

Additionally, your abusers only set you up to face a plethora of hate, discrimination, and prejudice in the future. Why? Because society, as a whole, even today, fosters an intense hatred of the mentally ill.

those perceived to be mentally ill are treated worse than hardened criminals.

And the hatred is so much so that even the mere perception that you are imbalanced can bring hatred to your doorstep. In fact, you may very well be the most sane and stable person on the face of the earth.

However, all it takes is for one person to paint you as “crazy,” spread the word to enough people, then kick back and let the court of public opinion take it from there. It’s that easy.

 As a result, your reputation will fall like a meteor. ‘You see? The sad thing is this:

Although it’s true that no one can ever prove that you are, in fact, crazy, there’s also no way that you can prove that you’re not. Mental defect OR fitness is, pretty much, impossible to prove.

Again, bullies and abusers are fully aware of these things, which is what makes the crazy label itself especially brutal. It has totally ruined the lives of many good, honest, and hardworking people.

4. “this is why nobody likes you.”

Bullies and abusers are masters at isolating their victims. They very skillfully use smear campaigns to turn friends, and yes, even family members against their targets. Bullies do this by reversing the roles and claiming to everyone that they are the one who has long suffered from your abuse.

The reason your bullies slander you to anyone who’ll listen is because it gives them the confirmation they so desperately need that you are a bad person.

Moreover, it breaks down the support system you once had, which gives your attackers a green light to continue and intensify the bullying and abuse. Bullies can now abuse you more freely without fear of anyone butting in and trying to interfere.

In other words, they don’t have to worry about any of your friends/family trying to rescue you.

This is why bullies despise it when you have friends and people who love and care about you. It undermines their power and control over you.

With that said, once your controller has succeeded in isolating you, this is one of the main gaslighting phrases you will hear them say. You bullies will say this to make you feel devalued and to drive the point into your head that you aren’t lovable, wanted, worthy of friendship… take your pick.

The goal here is to break your confidence and lower your self-esteem. Understand that this, or any other gaslighting statements are meant to condition your mind over time.

The process of gaslighting is gradual and slowly wears you down until you feel totally powerless.

5. “You Bring It all On Yourself,” Is another one of the most obvious of gaslighting phrases.

This evil and self-serving statement is meant to take responsibility off the bully/abuser and place it onto the victim. In other words, bullies refuse to take accountability for their bad behavior and, instead, blame the target.

In doing this, they re-victimize the target and blame them for being bullied and abused. Other such gaslighting phrases abusers may use are:

“It’s your own fault.”

“You got what was coming to you.”

“You made me hurt you.”

NOTE: “You made me” statements are especially obvious gaslighting phrases. You should see them as such and cut ties with the gaslighter immediately if possible. If this isn’t possible right away, you may need to plan your exit slowly and carefully while waiting and watching for the opportunity to get out.

6. You’re over-reacting” or “You’re being too sensitive”

Gaslighting statements like these are used to trivialize reality, your feelings, and your response. Understand that bullies are experts at trivializing their bad behavior along with your feelings and responses to it.

The goal here is to undermine your voice and your word in front of an audience and convince others not to take you seriously. If your bullies can cause others to call you into question and perceive you as paranoid, they can bleed you of any outside support.

7. “Everyone is on my side!” or “Everyone Agrees with me!”

This is also one of the top 3 worst gaslighting phrases. The reason it’s so bad is because it makes you feel outnumbered and out-voted. In other words, by making this statement, the bullies want you to feel as if everyone is ganging up on you.

Therefore, the more people you think side with the bullies, the more likely you are to doubt and question your own judgement. Abusers hope you do because if you doubt yourself, it’s easier for the people around you to doubt you too.

In conclusion, if you want to preserve your self-esteem and mental health, it is imperative that you know who you are and what you experience. Stay strong and never doubt what you see, hear, and experience no matter what mind games and tricks your bullies play.

Also, if possible, you must leave the environment (the company, the school, the relationship) if you expect to begin healing and take back control of your life.

Remember that people have left their home countries to escape oppression. That’s what gaslighting is, it’s a form of oppression as is other kinds of bullying and abuse.

It won’t be easy. In fact, it will be tough for a while. But it will be worth it in the end! I promise!

This post is all about the most common gaslighting phrases to help you see gaslighting for what it is and find a way out of any bullying environment!

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. How to Respond to DARVO: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

3. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out for

how to respond to DARVO

How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

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Would you like to know how to respond to darvo that bullies use to discredit you when you report their bullying or speak out against it? Here are the most powerful ways you must know.

how to respond to DARVO

The DARVO method that bullies use is tricky. Many victims of bullying are at a loss as to how to respond to it. As one who has had this method used on me, I am giving you the most powerful ways to respond.

You will learn about how to respond to DARVO properly and the the best responses that will shut this method down for good.

After learning these points, you will be extra prepared the next time a bully uses this evil technique against you.

This post is all about how to respond to DARVO tactics that bullies use. This is important information every victim of bullying, even narcissistic bullying, should know.

How to respond to darvo:

1. learn what darvo is and how bullies use it.

The first step in learning how to properly defend yourself against any bullying tactics is to learn exactly what each of those tactics is.

What is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

Realize that this is a classic reaction bullies make any time the victim calls out their bad behavior.

If you are a victim of such tactics, it is imperative that you educate yourself on them.

Additionally, you need not only memorize the definition and textbook description of it. You must also know what DARVO looks like as it is happening.

For instance, a narcissistic bully may attack you and you may call them out on their rotten behavior. The bully reacts by telling you, “it’s no big deal.” Or, he may say something to the tune of, “you’re making something out of nothing.”

Understand that these are classic DARVO comebacks because they invalidate reality and make you out to have over-reacted. Don’t fall for it. You know what they did and that it was wrong. Therefore, continue to stand strong and stick to your guns.

the bully will project.

Moreover, the bully will become extremely aggressive and attacks your character and credibility. They may even attack your motives and intentions.

The bully may also dissolve into a puddle of tears or begin yelling in anger while attacking you. Bullies are expert at turning on emotions to achieve a desired result, which is to make it look like you instigated their abuse. In other words, they make it look as if they were only reacting to what you did to them.

Also, the bully may use insults, threats, and gaslighting to discredit your description of their abuse. Moreover, they will swear up and down that they’re being unfairly accused and that you are making false accusations against them to cover your bad behavior.

Put simpler, they will accuse you of doing to them the very same things they, in fact, did to you. This is classic projection and you should call it out as such.

As another attempt to deflect, bullies will also try to justify their evil behavior by shifting blame to you.

Understand that bullies do all this to reverse the roles and in hopes that others will see them in a more positive light. Bullies hope that others will see their abuse of you as a reaction to something you must have done to them first. All the while, they are continuing to inflict more abuse onto you.

2. whatever you do, stay calm.

This is an absolute must because your bully is hoping and praying that you will lose your cool. But don’t!

Why? Because bullies will use your emotions as confirmation that you are either cuckoo or a bad person. And, believe you me, they’re masters at this!

Also, they will misconstrue your emotions (crying, etc.) as a sign of guilt. Instead, remain calm and the bully is more likely to be the one flipping out because they can’t shake you.

I have found that by remaining calm and cool, you will drive them completely insane with anger. Therefore, you force your bullies to expose themselves.

Remember the quote in Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.”

“Let the enemy destroy themselves.”

Again, your calm demeanor will arouse not only the bully’s anger, but also their fear. Your bully will be flabbergasted as to why you’re so calm. This will throw them off balance.

Moreover, they’ll flip out and begin yelling, shouting, and cursing. Don’t let this behavior intimidate you because his is what you want them to do to expose and embarrass themselves.

Remember that bullies have big egos and an image to protect. Also, they have an intense need for control. And they will do everything they possibly can to preserve their egos and maintain not only control, but also the image they have long ago crafted for themselves.

Although staying calm can be difficult when bullies abuse you, it can also be most effective in getting your bullies riled and bringing their true natures out in the open. The calmer you are, the crazier your bullies will get until they unwittingly expose themselves through their own behavior.

3. How to Respond to DARVO: Call the behavior out by name.

This is why you must first know what DARVO is, as well as the names of all the behavior that goes with it. This way, you can call it out by name and won’t sound as though you’re rambling.

Rambling makes you sound crazy and less believable. But naming the behavior and stating your case in a clear and concise manner makes you look more credible and makes the bully look unhinged. This is what you want.

For example, if the bully is projecting and accusing you of the very behavior they directed at you, Call it by name. Tell the bully in front of an audience that they’re clearly projecting to try and make themselves look like the good guy and that you are onto them.

If they are trying to justify their behavior, again, call it out. Say to the bully, “Don’t try to justify your behavior because there is no justification for it. Be an adult (or if it’s a child, you can say, ‘be a big girl/boy’) and take responsibility for your actions.”

4. Document, document, document!

This cannot be stressed enough! You absolutely must document everything in detail. Keeping a bullying journal is of the utmost importance, not only if you have a bullying partner at home but also if people bully and harass you at work or school.

Keeping documentation helps you to keep a record of bullying in a more clear, concise, and organized manner. Moreover, it is admissible in court and during tribunal at work or school board meetings.

When you document, always use the 5W Method (What? Who? When? Where? and Why? Also, if possible, How?) This allows your story to make more sense. Also, it effectively calls out any perpetrators and produces possible witnesses.

In other words, write down what happened, who was involved, who was around to see what happened (the names of any bystanders and witnesses). Also, write down when it happened (the exact date and time of occurrence).

Additionally, include where it happened (did it happen in the school locker room? The workplace parking lot?) and if you know, why it happened (was it because you reported your bullies’ abuse of you?) Be as detailed as humanly possible when you document!

How to Respond to Darvo: do your own investigation!

This is how you gather your own evidence. How to respond to DARVO doesn’t include waiting for anyone else to do anything you can just as easily do for yourself.

Never rely on the school or your workplace to conduct their own investigation. This is where many victims get screwed because when entities do their own investigations (if they do them at all) it will only be to their advantage and your detriment.

The reality is that schools, workplaces, or any entities for that matter, usually side with bullies. Why? Because not only are bullies expert at covering their behinds, but also, they are usually stars in the who’s who at school or higher-up in the workplace or organization.

Therefore, always do your own investigation. Documenting is the most effective way to gather your own evidence.

Also, depending on the laws in your state or jurisdiction, you could secretly record the bullying you suffer. Again, make sure the laws in your state allow recordings.

In other words, If you live in a two-party consent state, you must also have the permission of anyone you record. However, if you live in a one-party consent state, you only need your own permission. Therefore, you are FREE to record!

Again, make sure you know the laws in your state before you do this. The last thing you want is for your bullies to have grounds to sue you for invasion of privacy. And you just know they would salivate over that opportunity. So, don’t give it to them.

5. practice self-care

In other words, be kind and compassionate to yourself. Make daily affirmations to yourself. Make I AM statements, “I AM a good person,” “I AM not wrong for standing up for myself,” “I AM lovable,” “I AM deserving of friends, family, and people who love me,” ” I AM worthy of God’s love because He loves me anyway, regardless of what I’ve done in the past,” etc.

And when you make these affirmations, believe them with all your heart.

Practicing self-care also means spending time with the people who love you and who want what’s best for you. Keep company only with those who lift you up and avoid people who bring you down. This is how you nurture your self-esteem and mental health.

Indulge in a good soak in the bathtub with bath bombs or treat yourself to a day at the spa.

Self-care is essential when dealing with this form of abuse.

this post was all about how to respond to darvo so that you can better protect yourself against this insidious form of abuse.

Related posts you will enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

7 Benefits Bullies Reap at the Target’s Expense

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Bullies aren’t just a pain in the butt; they’re power-hungry confidence thieves who can wreak havoc on your life if you aren’t careful. Understand that the laws of human nature dictate that no one does or says anything without some sort of psychological benefit.

Bullies reap several benefits at your expense if you’re a target. Here is a list of those benefits:

1. A sense of power – bullies bully for power, control, and domination. Anytime a bully takes a victim down, they get a tremendous rush of power and become addicted to that rush. This is why bullies never bully once. They always come back for more.

It’s no different from being a drug addict. The evil actions, cruelty, and power become a drug in and of themselves.

Also, as with any drug, the same tactics and frequency of bullying lose their potency after a while, so the bully must escalate the torment to keep getting the rush they crave.

For example, when name-calling and verbal abuse of the target lose the thrill they once gave and begin to get boring, bullies will often escalate to either cruel pranks, humiliation, or physical assault and battery to keep getting the rush they look for. It’s the same as when a drug addict builds a drug tolerance and begins taking higher doses.

2. Popularity – Bullies bully because, sadly, many people think it’s cool or cute. Bullying gives the bully lots of attention and visibility from others. Bullying is a way for bullies to exert power and sadly, in toxic work and learning environments, it gains them the popularity they crave.

3. Superiority – Bullying gives the bully an appearance of strength and sends a message to those around him that he’s a badass, and they’d be a fool to mess with him. The bully also gives the appearance that he’s top dog.

4. Attention and Sympathy – if the bully can make the targeted student look like the bad guy, he gets to enjoy the attention and bask in the sympathy others give him.

5. Distraction from their own shortcomings – Bullies are experts at making the target look weak and pathetic. If the bully can distract everyone else’s attention to the victim’s flaws, weaknesses, and shortcomings, he can keep the spotlight off his own defects and imperfections. Because if people expect to see trouble coming from a specific place, that’s where they’re going to look.

6. Projection of their own flaws onto someone else – Bullies have a flare for accusing their targets of the same deplorable behavior of which they are guilty. If the bully can make the target look like the bully, then the real bully can go unpunished and continue to attack the victim freely and with impunity. Again, it also takes the focus off his own misdeeds.

7. The satisfaction and gratification of seeing the target suffer – Bullies love to see their targets suffer. For the bully, the victim’s misery is entertainment and gives them a rush of power. Just know they can determine how the target feels and how their day goes gives them a feeling of dominance.

Don’t give them the satisfaction. Be a waste of time and energy to them. The way to do this is to see the bully for the weak punk they really are- bullies bully because they’re great big cowards. They have no persuasion skills. In fact, they have no redeemable qualities. Therefore,  the only way they cam be effective is to bully their way through life. Keep this in the back of your mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Things That Happen When You Call a Bully’s Bluff

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As we all know, bullies are convincing liars. But what happens when they finally get called out on their lies and evil deeds. Let’s use scenarios to find out.

For example, you’re a target of bullying. You find out that the one friend you thought you could trust has been spreading your deepest secrets and spreading lies behind your back while only pretending to be your best buddy (This can apply to both school and workplace environments). When you confront her, here are her possible reactions.

1. She will deny it or, at the least, try to avoid the subject. How you’ll know she’s dishonest? She will change the subject by talking about a topic irrelevant to the issue while appearing to be busy doing a task. Girls are known for this.

2. She will become irate and go on a tirade. She may even yell and curse at you. She may turn it back on you and accuse you of being paranoid, crazy, a crybaby, etc. But understand that she only looks and sounds desperate when she does this. Know that this is just another dead giveaway, and most bullies get highly defensive when they’re afraid they’re busted.

Understand that most bullies will get loud. They scream, yell, and pound their fists, curse, and swear when they fear exposure. However, don’t let this scare you because the dramatics and theatrics they display only mean that the bullies are desperate!

3. She will lay guilt trips on you.

“Well, if you were my friend, you wouldn’t believe…”

“If you were a true friend to me, you wouldn’t even question my loyalty.”

Don’t buy that garbage. The person is just trying to make you feel guilty or trying to intimidate you into silence. If your so-called friend was the only person you told any secrets to or knows about your life outside of the school, workplace, or organization, it’s a safe bet they’re guilty. And if enough people tell you that she is saying things behind your back, especially people you’ve never met or had any dealings with or people who aren’t a threat to you, she’s guilty!

Example 2: You have a bully on your back, and you’ve finally had enough. You call him/her out on his/her bad behavior and begin speaking out about the abuse she dishes out.

4. She will escalate the harassment to either punish you or intimidate you and shut you down. Understand that the bully is afraid of being exposed, facing accountability, and losing face and will stop at nothing to silence you.

5. He will justify himself with full conviction.

“If you didn’t always make trouble, I wouldn’t have had to hurt you!”

“If you weren’t so stupid, I wouldn’t give you such a hard time!”

“You made me do it because you always do this when you should do that!”

“If you would just do this, I wouldn’t have to do that!”

“You won’t shut up, so you deserve it!”

Again, don’t believe a word of it! Continue to report the harassment. You must protect yourself by speaking just as loud and with just as much conviction as the bully. Make plenty of noise because the wheel that squeaks loudest gets the grease!

6. She will slander you to everyone who will listen to her and try to turn others against you. Again, understand that this bully is afraid of being exposed. So she spreads rumors and lies to discredit you by distracting others from her appalling and embarrassing behavior by making you look like the guilty party.

If the bully can make you look bad and turn everyone else against you, she reaps several benefits.

a. She can intimidate you into silence and avoid any future risks of exposure.

b. She can discredit you, make herself look like the victim, and, therefore, gain attention and sympathy from other people.

c. She can successfully cut you off from any support you might otherwise receive.

d. She gets the green light to bully you again later and with impunity.

e. She gets to move up the social ladder and win more friends and allies.

f. She gets the satisfaction of maintaining power, domination, and control over another person.

As goes the old political quote from World War II, “Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.”

People pointing a woman hidden behind a computer

Understand that any smear campaign is designed to protect the guilty bullies from being exposed and shift blame onto innocent victims. It’s a tactic used since the beginning of time!

So, don’t shut up no matter what! Continue to call out the bullies’ behavior! And if they react like any of the above, tell them like it is.

Say this:

“The tirade isn’t going to work anymore” or “Go ahead and lie all you want. Everybody knows this is only retaliation because I had the gall to expose your deplorable behavior! Right,(the bully’s name)? Is that what this is, (Bully’s name)?”

Be sure to say the bully’s name at the end of the above questions because that really shakes a bully when you put his/her name on it!

If the bully says, “No!” Tell her in a fast and short tone, “Oh, yes it is, and you know it, (Bully’s name)!”

Counter. Everything. She. Comes. Back with!

Judging Others for Past Mistakes is Counterproductive. But Are Bullies Unaware of It or Do They Really Care?

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We’re all human and we will make mistakes. Most of us eventually learn from those mistakes and became better people. We realize our mistake and move on, or we try to, but others make it difficult to move on. Understand that there will be those who judge you on your past mistakes and who will flat refuse to let you live it down. Bullies and their followers are such people.

Granted, some people don’t think about the fact that lashing out at others for their past mistakes doesn’t necessarily make them do better but only alienates, angers, and upsets them. However, if you’re a target of bullying, I want you to realize that bullies already know these things. Oh, trust me- they do know it. Only they don’t care about alienating you because they see you as inferior.

Therefore, the reason why they judge and harp on you is so that they can feel superior to you. Bullies have an insatiable and unsatisfied need to feel superior to their targets and your mistake is just the fodder they need to get that addictive power rush they crave and can’t get enough of.

People who aren’t bullies understand that some of us are so sensitive that, if we find out we upset, hurt or offended someone, even by accident, we automatically punish ourselves more than anyone else ever could. But bullies and their followers, on the other hand, don’t care. In fact, they want you to punish yourself and they want to help you along in doing so because no amount of pain you feel will ever be enough for them and no amount of power, they lord over you will satisfy them.

Bullies know that to have others bear down on you and refusing to accept an apology is terrifying for targets. That’s one reason targets tend to over apologize.

But understand that no matter what mistakes you’ve made, even intentional mistakes can be forgiven. There have been reports of ex-gang members who have changed their ways and changed the way they think. There have been countless ex-convicts who have turned their lives around and helped to rehabilitate others living those lifestyles. They have saved and changed the lives of countless children who were headed for the penitentiary or the grave!

So, if they can redeem themselves and be an asset to the lives of others, don’t you think that you have an equal chance of doing that too?

Now, were they bad people for what they were doing at the time? Absolutely.

However, if people are willing to learn, to change, and to become better people, then they deserve forgiveness. They deserve a second chance, and we should give it to them, or at least make a conscious effort to.

And therefore you shouldn’t feel inferior to bullies who bring up your past mistakes. Realize that they’re the inferior ones for being so petty.

If you are a bully and you get off on punishing people for simple slips. You will drive more people to suffering from excessive guilt, depression, anxiety and may even push those vulnerable to taking their own lives. And if they’re survivors like me and have a healthy and solid sense of self they’ve worked damn hard to rebuild, they’ll only tell you to take a long walk off a short pier and keep moving. I can guarantee that you’ll only end up getting your feelings hurt.

And if you’re a target of such people, I want you to know that I’m behind you one hundred percent and that you don’t have to tolerate this garbage. And the bullies who bring up your past mistakes? They just might be projecting or distracting because they have a few skeletons rattling around in their own closets.

But this happens all the time. Especially social media where groups of unknown, faceless cowards can jump on the bandwagon and tear into some poor sucker for a screw up from twenty or thirty years ago.

Remember that most bullies have a lot of social prowess. Therefore, it’s safe to say that they know but just don’t give a fat rat’s patootie because their only aim is to make you feel inferior and themselves superior.

And knowing this makes it much easier to know how to respond to these kinds of games. So, respond accordingly.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Number One Indicator A Bully is Guilty of Something

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How do you know a bully is guilty of something?

Easy! They’re busy accusing someone else of it.

Bullies are notorious for projecting. Anything they accuse you of doing, you can bet dollars to doughnuts they’re doing it. Put another way, bullies do the same things they accuse innocent targets of doing. Understand that this is how they tell off on themselves.

There’s so much truth to the saying that, any time you point a finger, there are always three pointed back at you.

Humans can never know the inner workings of anyone else but themselves. They see from their own perspectives and speak from their own thoughts and attitudes. It is why most cheating spouses will often accuse the other spouse of doing the cheating. Every wife or husband who’s ever been cheated on knows that this is a red flag that’s all too common.

Realize that any time you have some schmuck accusing you of something terrible that you know in your heart you’re not guilty of, the chances are high that your accuser(s) is/are the one(s) guilty of it. Projection is one of the oldest tricks in the book.

blame accuse pointing finger

Remember the quotes of Joseph Goebbels, a well-known propaganda minister:

“Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty.”

And…

“A lie told once remains a lie. A lie told a thousand times becomes the truth.”

So, understand that when bullies project, they’ll repeat the same lie over and over again until people (even you if you aren’t careful) begin believing it.

The more you know!

6 Characteristics of The Crybully

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Earlier, I published a post entitled, “What is a Crybully and Who is One?”  This post is more in-depth, and describes the characteristics of this type of bully. Here they are:

1. The crybully doesn’t mind provoking the target over and over, but when the victim finally gets fed up and shows their ugly side, the crybully is not only surprised but offended. Understand that the crybully feels entitled to do whatever she wants to do and that no one has the right to stop her- or even say anything against it. The crybully thinks that she is beyond reproach and that she isn’t to be questioned by anyone.

Crybullies feel that the world owes them and that they have the right to mistreat their targets. Even more astonishing is that crybullies think that their victims are just supposed to bow down to them and take the abuse- to let them harm them and take it with a smile and a yes sir/ma’am. Why? Because:

“I’m always right, and you’re always wrong.”

“I’m better than you.”

“I’m superior, and you’re inferior. And how dare you stand up to me. You have no rights as far as I’m concerned.” 

Note the quotations above and understand that, though they may never come out and say it, this is how crybullies think.

2. A crybully will gripe, whine, and complain when something they don’t like happens. Like when you call the crybully out on his BS, report or speak out about his bullying, or do anything to cause him to be held accountable for his despicable behavior? The crybully will bitch, moan, and regress into a toddler if they have to face responsibility for anything. They’ll  throw a temper tantrum, railing against the injustice and unfairness of it all. He may also do something to get back at you for daring to stand up for yourself.

Understand that crybullies must always get their way and think they can do no wrong. Many times, they will get furious with and throw a fit with the target. If the crybully is female, she may dissolve into a puddle of tears and tell not only authority but anyone who’ll listen that the target is the bully.

3. Crybullies will shout you down if you don’t agree with them or you call them out on their bad behavior. They think their words, actions, and beliefs are golden. If you happen to speak against their deplorable behavior or hold a different view, crybullies will instantly turn into petulant children, call you all kinds of ugly names and launch personal attacks against you.

4. A crybully wants everything handed to them and doesn’t like to put in the effort to earn it. Crybullies are entitled to have whatever they want when and how they want it. They don’t like to work for anything, and neither do they like to wait for it.

They’re like spoiled children. If they don’t get what they want, they will never stop bothering you until you cave in and give it to them. Crybullies do this to wear you down. However, you must only double down and resist, no matter what. So, stand firm- if for nothing more than to teach them a lesson.

5. Crybullies hate the thought of anyone else having a life better than they do. When a crybully sees someone else doing better than them at anything, it makes them feel indignant, and that life hasn’t given them a fair shake. They will often sulk and play on others’ sympathy. The crybully will also try to get back at the person for being just a little luckier than him/her.

6. They Have a victim mentality. This point takes me back to how the crybully tries to make the victim look like the bully. In some cases, the crybully deludes herself into believing that she is, in fact, the victim.

And sadly, the crybully is very successful in making others believe her drivel.

Think Nellie Olson in “Little House on the Prairie.”

There you have it, folks. If you see any of the above characteristics, you might have a crybully on your hands. The best way to battle this type of bullying is to name it and shame it. Putting a name on these things makes them so much easier to deal with and overcome.

The more you know.

What is a Crybully and Who is One?

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A new term has emerged in the last year to describe the pathetic type of person who doesn’t mind dishing out the crap but can’t handle it when it gets kicked back their way.  Here, we have the crybully.

So, what is a crybully?

A crybully is a bully who’s also a crybaby, who runs to authority and “cries like a little bitch” whenever targets stand up to them.

The crybully repeatedly provokes a target for an extended period of time. The target first tries to ignore her to avoid conflict and keep down the drama. Of course, this only serves to encourage the crybully to continue and escalate the behavior because she comes to believe that the target is a wimp who won’t do anything about it and that she can continue to bully and get away with it.

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Then, when the target finally gets fed up and responds in kind, the crybully suddenly gets their wittle feewings hurt and feels indignant. To get back at the target for daring to stand up to her, the crybully runs to a teacher, principal, supervisor, or manager.

She tattles on the target like the schoolyard sissy she is, feigning victimhood and painting the target as the bully. The target then gets the blame and is disciplined.

The crybully then basks in the attention as others give her a pat on the head and lavish her with sympathy. All the while, the crybully is also gratified by the blame the target is getting and feeling a huge sense of power.

Crybullies will also disparage the target to peers in efforts to smear her and trash her reputation. Understand that crybullies are everywhere and they’re vindictive!

But understand that this kind of behavior only speaks volumes of these types of bullies. It says that they’re not only cowards but entitled little brats who think they should be allowed to treat others any way they want without repercussions. And it is these people who are truly pathetic.

And you should be proud of yourself and feel good in knowing that you don’t have to resort to these shenanigans. And in situations such as these, these types of bullies should be the subject of your ridicule.

Because ridicule and shame will be the only way to make these bullies leave you alone.

Distraction- A Powerful Weapon for Bullies

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toxic

“The essence of deception is distraction.” – Robert Greene

The bully uses distraction, often called deflection, when they use the target’s imperfections to distract other people’s attention away from their own shortcomings. It is the reason that so many people in authority, bystanders, and witnesses unjustly label targets as bullies and troublemakers.

Because bullies are highly skilled at deflecting their misdeeds onto others, people will falsely accuse innocent victims of being the instigators of arguments or fights, and perpetrators of bullying behaviors.

bullying bullied labeled

Here’s how the bully does it:

He extends acts of kindness and shows honesty in front of everyone – everyone except his victim. He does this to charm and disarm authority and potential bystanders and witnesses. The bully fools them all into believing that he’s such a fine young man and would never mistreat another person. And he ultimately wins everyone else over to his side.

What this elaborate display of (false) kindness and authenticity does is soften everyone outside the bully/victim relationship and turn them into allies. People hungrily eat up any affection the bully extends to them. She (the bully) then sweetens the deal by inviting them out to do lunch or to hang out.

narcissist bully

But understand that she only pours on the pleasantries and charm to everyone else to trick them into feeling obligated in the event she must ask them to do some dirty work for her against her target.

If you’re a target of this type of bullying, I want you to know that your bullies don’t do this because they just happen to like everyone else but you, they do it for the sole purpose of gaining favor and loyalty from them! Realize that the bullies only see everyone else as tools and worker bees.

Have you noticed how most bullies suck up to teachers and managers?

The bully will then slyly bait her target by pushing their hot buttons and triggering them into an emotional reaction. And she will make sure that everyone is around to see the target’s breakdown or outburst.

bullying distraction pot calling the kettle black

He will also accuse the target of the same behaviors that he’s guilty of or of having the same flaws he has.

But understand that this is all part of the distraction. The bully aims to give others the illusion that you are the bully and he is the target.

Remember that most bullies can be very charming and alluring and they’re good at this game. You must know the tactics in detail, so you can call them out to protect yourself from being abused and blamed, then ultimately labeled.

Bullies Have to Search for Flaws to Point Out

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Bullies may not have anything on you. Therefore, they must search. Oh, yes! Bullies have to search for dirt. They must look hard for something to get angry at you about. Bullies are on a constant hunt for things that are possibly wrong with you, and believe me. They’re like hounds sniffing a trail.

Bullies will search- and search- and search! They will hunt for anything, no matter how trivial and no matter how minute or tiny the flaw. Then when they find it, they will blow it up- make a big deal of it.

So, understand that bullies are always on the prowl for dirt, controversy, and scandal. And if they can’t find anything, don’t think they won’t invent something.

If bullies select you as their target, they will go over everything about you with a fine-toothed comb.

1.They will scan every word that comes out of your mouth for the slightest hint of sarcasm, stupidity, slowness of mind – anything they can take offense to, be annoyed with, pick apart, or twist to suit a vicious narrative.

2. They look you up and down, then back up. Bullies search your face for the slightest blemish and smallest mole, pimple, or birthmark. They scan the clothes you wear to see if they’re old hand-me-downs or if they’re brand new latest fashions from the department store. Bullies will study your attire carefully, looking for the slightest stain or tear.

3. Bullies stare at your body to see if you’re even the slightest overweight or underweight. They check your nose to see if it’s a millimeter too long and your ears to see with they’re too big.

4. They scan your hair to see if it’s too straight or too curly and your eyes to see if they’re too buggy-looking or too wide-set.

5. They look deep into your eyes, seemingly down into your very soul, trying to see if you are hiding something from them- trying to ferret out your emotional state.

6. Bullies watch your every move, just waiting, with bated breath, for you to trip, fall, drop something- anything they can use against you.

curiosity eye in the keyhole – spy concept

7. Bullies also have an ear cocked for any damaging information about you- any mistake you may have made or anything you may have done wrong sometime in the past- even if it was years ago.

But know this.

If your bullies have to look for stuff to use to throw shade on you, they were probably never bothered by you in the first place. And, truth be known, they’re probably not bothered by you now. So, rest assured, you did nothing to get on their “shadar.”

Three gossip girls listening through the neighbor wall at home

I want you to realize this.

  • when bullies must hunt for stuff to criticize you about
  • when they have to search for things about you to be angry, annoyed, or disgusted with
  • when they have to clock your every move for the slightest inkling of weirdness, awkwardness, or defect

It’s not about them being angry, offended, or bothered. What it is about is POWER! All about power and nothing else!

Every bit of it is a power-play to put you in your place, to force you under their thumb, and to hurt you.

Bullies do it to tear you down, discourage you from defending and protecting yourself. They do it to convince you that you’re nothing, no good, and always wrong. They do it to show you who’s boss- that they’re in charge of your life and you’re not. And that there’s nothing you can do to stop them from harming you.

The more you know, the better you expose the bully and protect yourself.