Tag: manipulation

blame

Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

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Do you want to know how to stop victim blaming by knowing and calling out the reasons why people blame targets for the bad behavior of others? Here are 7 proven reasons why bystanders are so quick to blame victims when other people bully them.

stop victim blaming

Being blamed for other people’s abuse of you frustrates you and breaks your heart so much more than the initial abuse itself. This is why it’s imperative that we stop victim blaming. Also, we must pause and listen to targets when they speak out against their abusers.

Also, it’s equally important that you be your own voice and learn the tools to do so.

If you’re anything like I was, you’re probably searching for information on why bystanders do this. Moreover, you want to know better ways to call it all out when you speak out against bullying.

As someone who has been in the same spot myself, I’m giving you the reasons why bystanders blame you and side with your bullies. Moreover, I’m giving you ways call it by name and stand tall when bullies attempt to silence you.

In this post, you will learn how to get bystanders to stop victim blaming by learning the reasons why they do it.

Once you learn all these causes, you will then be able to call both bullies and bystanders out bravely and confidently. You will then become a powerful advocate not only for yourself, but for anyone who suffers bullying and abuse.

This post is all about how to get others to stop victim-blaming by knowing and calling out the reasons why they do it.

Why won’t they Stop victim blaming?

One thing I’m certain of is that every target of bullying, has at some point asked either themselves or another person these questions: “Why am I always to blame?” and “Why do my tormentors often get away with tormenting me?”

Here are the answers, and there are many:

1. Bullies are very convincing liars.

Bullies have been lying and covering up bad behavior all of their lives. They have been doing this for long enough that they have learned what works and what doesn’t.

Therefore, they are master manipulators who acquire great skill in the arts of deception.

Bullies are also very good at rationalizing and justifying their unacceptable behavior. They are wordsmiths and con artists, who often use charm to deceive those in authority.

2. Bullies are masters at projection.

In other words, they project all their faults and shortcomings onto their targets. In doing this, they successfully reverse the roles, making the target look like the bully and themselves the victim.

Anytime bullies and abusers face possible accountability for their evil actions, they often cry, feigning victimhood. This tactic is usually employed by female bullies.

3. Why Don’t Bystanders Stop Victim Blaming?

Bullies are very charming to the right people.

Consequently, people can use this as another weapon against a target. Bullies seem to emit an oozing charm. Nevertheless, they have a way of winning people over and making them their allies.

“How are charming bullies able to use their good reputations as weapons?” you may wonder. Here’s a simple explanation.

 When the bully has a good name among the majority, it’s much easier for her to fool everyone (except the target). Others find it hard to believe that “this sweet, innocent, pretty little girl” would harm anyone.

Moreover, take a look at the outgoing guy that everyone loves. No one is going to believe that this “fine young man” would ever beat up a smaller boy unless he was provoked.

4. Because this person has so many friends who cherish them.

And the sad reality is this. Even if the bully’s friends did witness them undertake any wrongdoing, they will still more than likely cover-up for the bully out of loyalty and place the blame on you.

5. Another reason why witnesses won’t stop victim blaming. There is strength in numbers.

Unfortunately, most bullies have a large number of friends behind them. And people in large numbers wield a cumulative power that can be overwhelming even for the greatest, toughest, strongest, most intelligent of targets.

In other words, if enough people actively hate a certain person, that person is powerless, no matter how strong, smart, beautiful, or easy-going they may be.

6. Bullies use gaslighting.

In other words, they try to make you feel like the villain or by laying guilt trips or hurling insults. Also, bullies try to convince you that it’s your own fault or that the abuse is just your imagination.

Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

Moreover, bullies will deny their abuse and trivialize everything you are experiencing. “Don’t believe your eyes, ears, nor how you feel. You’re too sensitive.”

Perhaps THE most effective gaslighting tactics bullies use is to make you look like you have a mental imbalance.

Why? Because the tough reality is that there’s nothing that will discredit you more than the mental illness label. Nothing!

7. Bullies malign you to others to destroy your good name and credibility:

Moreover, they recruit followers and start a campaign of hate and viciousness against you. They do this by way of rumors, lies, and trying to turn your friends against you.

This occurs to targets regularly in school, the workplace, and in communities. Many times, this is how bullies retaliate against victims who have the gall to stand up to them.

Bullies hate it when you begin refusing to take their abuse.

8. Why Won’t They Stop Victim Blaming?

Blaming the Victim Appeals to the Self-Interests of the entity in charge.

For example, if it’s a school, the bullies may excel academically or be stars of one of the school’s sports teams. Schools have a vested interest in their sports teams and want to win championships. Why? Because it bolsters the school’s image.

Also, if the school has a low number of dropouts and high graduation rate, particularly those who are candidates for colleges, this also reflects highly on the school.

And if the school has a great reputation, the larger number of attending students they’re likely to have, and the more parents likely would want their kids to attend. And the more students they have, the more funding the school gets from their state.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

So, right or wrong, why would the school side with anyone other than its brightest stars and highest achievers?

I want you to realize that in most cases of bullying, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, it’s about who is perceived to have the most power.

Again, most people care less about right and wrong. What they care about is power and how you can benefit them in some way, shape, or form.

“What’s in it for me?”

Why Would they stop victim blaming? They’ve gotten lots of advantages from it.

Bullies get several benefits from victim-Blaming.

1. Bullies use it to protect one another from being labeled by a teacher and getting a bad reputation. Most who have been in school have a least gotten into two fights, which sounds perfectly normal.

However, too many fights, provoke or unprovoked, victims risk the chance of people labeling them “troublemakers.”

2. Destroying the target’s name with the staff would lessen any chances of them being listened to. Bullies can’t chance the target running and “snitching” to members of the authority.

Therefore, this protects them from discipline at school or work. Moreover, it allows them the freedom to do whatever they want to the target whenever they feel like it.

3. Bullies and abusers also use this tactic to silence the target. Also, they mean to make victims afraid to report the bullying or speak out about it.

Targets get the blame because, sadly, the attitudes of most bystanders and members of authority are these:

“Why would so many kids have it in for her if she’s not provoking them somehow?”

“Nobody likes him, so there has to be a reason that justifies it.”

“She’s a lowlife, so she deserves it!”

After all, who will look any further than the child with the worst reputation at school or the employee who isn’t much of a team player? They’re the easiest to point the guilty finger at anytime a confrontation arises?

In other words, if people expect trouble to come from a certain place, that is where they’re going to look. Therefore, the target is under suspicion and the bully gets off scot-free.

Again, it’s all designed to manipulate school staff and save the bullies’ behinds from having to face repercussions and, therefore, leaves an opening for further bullying later on.

Targets not only need the confidence to fight bullying but also knowledge of bullies. The first step of defense is knowing the mindsets and intentions of bullies and the tactics they use.

This post is all about the reasons why Bystanders and authority victim-Blame and how targets can persuade others to stop victim blaming.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

2. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

3. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

4. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

5. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

Gaslighting Examples: 11 Notable Tactics Gaslighters Use

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Do you want to know all the gaslighting examples so that you can properly protect yourself from narcissistic bullies and abusers? These are the most common manipulation tactics that gaslighters use.

gaslighting examples
Gaslighting can leave you dazed and confused, not to mention powerless. If you’re a target of bullying like I was, you’re probably doing all the research you can on how to spot it when it happens. As someone who has been on the receiving end, I’m giving you the most common tactics you need to look out for.

You’re going to learn the tactics gaslighters use, from denial to projection to trivializing.

Once you learn these gaslighting examples, you are going to be prepared for anything bullies throw at you. You will have a good comeback ready and be an expert at shutting down any gaslighter who crosses your path.

This post is all about the gaslighting examples that every decent human being should know.

Gaslighting Examples

Before we go any further, you must first know what gaslighting is, why people gaslight, and the effects it has on victims.

So, what is gaslighting?

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator” ( https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting )

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1940s movie, “Gaslight,” in which a husband slyly tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane.

However, gaslighting doesn’t only happen in marriages and love relationships like in the movie. It occurs everywhere, in families, friendships, at school, work, and in the community. There is also political gaslighting, where dictators and crooked politicians gaslight the people in their land.

Gaslighting is all around us.

Why do people gaslight?

They do it to avoid accountability and to maintain control of their victims. People also gaslight to get their way and have what they want.

What effects does gaslighting have on victims?

Long-term victims of gaslighting often suffer from a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Also, they may have trust issues. Moreover, they may be overly self-conscious and struggle with intense self-doubt. Victims of gaslighting tend to question themselves and their own abilities and worth.

Here are 11 Common Gaslighting Examples

1. Denying any wrongdoing

For example, the bully/abuser may say something out of the way to you. Then, when you call them out for it, they emphatically deny it.

“I didn’t say that!”

And they’ll say this when you know doggone well they did say it. To this gaslighting statement, your response should be, “No. You did ‘say that’ because I heard you say it.”

Understand that the reason your bully or abuser uses denial of something they said or did is to make you question your memory.

But don’t question it! Know that you aren’t imagining things and that you aren’t only hearing things in your head. You know what you heard.

2. Telling Boldface lies

Gaslighters tell boldface lies. Moreover, they tell such obvious lies that you’re left wondering where they get the nerve and how they can do it with a straight face.

But understand that these types of people do this deliberately, and there’s a reason why they do it. It’s to cause you to doubt your own perception of the truth.

In fact, people with narcissistic personality disorder and other toxic types are masters at getting people to question their own understanding of what is true. Also, bullies and abusers all have NPD and toxic tendencies.

Therefore, never question your understanding of the truth and have nothing more to do with anyone who pulls this little number. The further you distance yourself from these creeps, the better off you’ll be!

3. Gaslighting examples also include projecting

Projecting or projection is another mechanism gaslighters like to use. So, what is projection?

When bullies project, they accuse their victims of the same evil deeds that they, themselves, are guilty of. Hence, they project their own behavior onto their target victims.

Do not allow them to do this. Keep standing in your truth and calling out the gaslighter’s behavior.

Tell them that they’re only projecting and that it doesn’t work with you.
This may or may not change the gaslighter’s behavior. In fact, the evil person will more than likely double down on it, especially if they have narcissistic personality disorder.

However, if you continue holding your ground, they’re least likely to gaslight you a second time, and others around you will know better than to try it with you as well. In other words, you’ll get more respect in the future.

4. Questioning your memory

Gaslighters love to question your memory because they know that this technique throws most people off-balance. The goal behind this tactic is to cause you to doubt yourself.

Therefore, it causes those around you to doubt you as well because if you have no confidence in your own memory, it’s likely that others won’t either.

So, don’t give them that opportunity. You know what you heard or saw.

Your eyes and ears are not playing tricks on you. Don’t play into the person’s hands. And don’t you doubt yourself for a minute.

5. distracting

Bullies are good at this but only with those who are easy to distract. Therefore, keep your focus on their bad behavior and call it out as it is.

Common ways a gaslighter tries to distract you and others from their wrongdoing is to bring up your past or a mistake you’ve made in the past. Tell them point blank that it has nothing to do with what they just did (or said) and that they’re clearly using a distraction method.

Yes, call out their distracting too and call it out by name. Again, this may not change their behavior and may even make the person want to retaliate.

However, their retaliation will only give them away. So, be sure to make that known as well.

6. Trivializing your reality Is also one of the many gaslighting examples.

Gaslighters are notorious for trivializing their victim’s reality. They may accuse you of “making a mountain out of a molehill.” But call it out by name.

You can always come back with, “Oh, no, no, no! Don’t even try to trivialize it because you’d respond the same way if it were done to you.”

If they keep on, just tell them, “I don’t want to hear another word from you.” Then walk away. You must let this person know that you’re not one they can pull this trick on.

7. Blame-shifting

Ahhh, shifting blame! A classic gaslighting move! Don’t allow them to blame you for their ugly behavior.

Simply tell the person that you aren’t responsible for their actions or their words and that they can never make you accountable for it.

This bears repeating, call it by name. Tell this idiot that blame-shifting won’t work with you and that you’re onto them.

And do it calmly. I guarantee they’ll only go find an easier target because gaslighters hate being challenged.

8. Discrediting

Bullies discredit you by spreading nasty rumors and lies. Your best recourse is to allow them to do it while proving them wrong through your calm demeanor and good behavior.

Remember that the one who talks the loudest is the least credible.

Anyone who points a finger at you has three pointed back at them. Also, when someone tries to defame you, they often repeat the same hogwash over and over again.

Therefore, let them talk themselves into trouble. Then, watch their surprise when people get sick of hearing their BS and get bored with them.

The trick here is to force this person to out themselves without realizing they’re doing it.

In other words, don’t try to defend yourself against the rumors and don’t try explaining yourself. You owe no one any explanations here. Just let them talk.

9. Subtle insults Are Classic Gaslighting Examples

Bullies love to throw zingers at you because they’re too cowardly to bluntly come out and say it directly. And they make sure other people are around to hear it.

They employ these subtle insults in hopes that it will confuse you and fly right over your head while, at the same time, making you look like a clueless dolt to others.

Therefore, you must notice this behavior immediately and call it out. For example, if the bully is pulling this crap because you call them out on something earlier, you can always say this:

“Wow! You’re so angry, aren’t you. You’re mad because I called you out for being a jerk last week. Don’t lie. I know that’s why you’re trying to sling insults.

And do it in front of an audience.

Chances are good that you’ll embarrass the person so bad that they might leave you alone and go find an easier target to toy with.

10. Rewriting history

Gaslighting bullies rewrite history to feel better about themselves when you call them out on something they’ve done in the past. Moreover, they put their own spin on reality to make themselves look better to other people.

They may do this by saying that the reason for their bad behavior is because they were reacting to something that you did to them in the past.

Again, don’t buy this line of garbage. But you don’t have to explain anything either.

Just respond by telling the bully that they’re full of it and walk away. Believe me. Other people will wise up to them sooner or later.

11. Love-bombing

This tactic is a biggie! Gaslighting bullies will, all of a sudden, out of the blue, start acting really nice to you. However, when they do this, now’s the time to watch out.

Why? Because these bullies are nice to you to trick you into letting down your defenses. Moreover, they want to break your defenses so that they can either get something from you or set you up for something bad.

Therefore, it’s imperative that you keep your guard up when these people pour on the niceties. Don’t trust them. Instead, avoid them like the plague.

You don’t need to explain why. Just ignore and avoid them.

They’ll get the hint eventually and back off. Or, they’ll show you their true colors when they get frustrated that you aren’t giving into them.

Either way, you win because they either go away or they expose themselves.

This post was all about gaslighting examples to help you better spot gaslighting tactics and protect yourself against them.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

3. Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

4. You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

5. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

Bullies Can Hide In Plain Site

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If you’ve ever been a target of bullying, have you noticed how bullies, their followers, and cohorts consistently brag and boast to others and among themselves about how they abuse you. They gloat to anyone who will listen to them, and people seem to get personal entertainment from it. And they’re not afraid to do it right in front of you.

You’ll hear statements such as:

“I beat the breaks off that *****!”

“That little punk got owned!”

“We sure put that wimp in her place!”

“When we see him, we’re going to cut him down to size!”

“We sure shut her down when she tried to open her mouth, didn’t we?”

And they do it while laughing and high fiving one another. In doing this, they openly admit that you’re their target and that they abuse you.

Yet, if anyone outside their group brings it up and, especially if you do, they will sneer, ridicule, and do their due diligence to silence you? They even deny that it’s happening, or they try and justify themselves.

So, prepare to be gaslighted

Have you even wondered why these people do this- openly brag about the abuse they inflict on you, then turn around and, depending on the person bringing it up or the overall circumstances and environment, try to cover up the abuse?

It’s because this is the best way for the bullies to hide the abuse in plain sight and sadly, it works like a charm and it’s hard to combat. But don’t lose hope. Know that these types of people always get a little too cocky and then get stupid. They’ve been getting away with stuff for so long that they push a little further, a little further. They keep pushing until they finally push over the line and end up hanging themselves. And the best part is that you’ll get to see it!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Dealing with Control Freaks

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Bullies are control freaks. Period. Full stop! And control freaks will instill fear in you, but only if you allow them to. How I wish I knew this years ago when I was in school- that most of my classmates were control freaks.

Moreover, there were times, I hate to admit, that I felt I had to comply or tell them what they wanted to hear to keep them from physically attacking me.

Getting older allows one to understand that giving value to a person’s opinions because, “you’ll make them mad” or “they’ll kick your butt,” “leave you,” or “won’t be your friend anymore,” is, straight up manipulation.

When you care about the opinions of these creeps, you only do so out of fear. You only value their opinions because you don’t want to endure the pain and misery that these people can cause you.

Bullies Will Use What Works to Manipulate You

Therefore, you acquiesce. Sadly, after you surrender a few times, they see that their brutal techniques are working. And once they catch onto what works, they’ll use that to get you to give them want they want.

But know this! Anytime bullies make a habit of using fear-tactics on you, deep down, they’re way more afraid of you than you are of them.

I know this sounds silly. But it’s true. Bullies (or control freaks) control you out of a deep-seated fear. Only they would never in this lifetime admit it. They’re afraid of something happening if they ever relinquish control. They’re scared of an end result they may not be able to handle.

Again, control freaks control others out of fear. And once you know this, these people will no longer have the effect on you that they do. And it will be much easier to blow them off.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Bully’s Worst Nightmare: Truth

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To bullies, everything is all about appearances. They work hard every day to put on the best and most convincing fronts. It’s what they’re best at.

Bullies are some of the dumbest, most incompetent people on the face of the earth, yet they’re talented at making themselves look intelligent. They make themselves look bigger, better, and more important than they truly are. They always have an image to keep up. But that image is false.

Truth shatters that image and lays bare their imperfections. Confront them with the truth about themselves, and that facade immediately melts away, and those true colors bleed through.

The truth hurts, and it’s maddening. Anytime bullies are confronted with the reality of who they are, they become enraged, going from zero to one hundred in a split second. Instant bitch mode is activated, and all hell breaks loose.

But this is a typical reaction from bullies. Their overinflated egos can’t handle being wrong and someone calling it out. It’s as if you hold a mirror up to them and show them their naked reflections and all the stretch marks, cellulite, and bumps of fat they’ve for so long kept hidden from the rest of the world.

When another person addresses a bully’s bad behavior, especially in front of an audience, they immediately bristle. They will deny it; they will fight it, but they can’t escape it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Compliments v/s Flattery

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Targets of bullying must know the difference between the two. And, surprisingly, many people think that compliments and flattery are one and the same. They aren’t.

A compliment is genuine. Whereas flattery is fake.

A compliment comes from the heart and is truthful. Also, compliments are earned. They’re reserved for people who deserve them. Compliments are given to praise someone for an accomplishment. They are an acknowledgement for a good deed, or a job well done.

Flattery, on the other hand, is used for self-servitude. It is insincere, deceptive, and can be an insult to the recipient. Because, again, it is strictly used for usery and selfish purposes. Flattery and insincere compliments are both the same.

Therefore, bullies never pay sincere compliments, especially to their targets. However, they will use flattery to butter their targets up all for the purpose of manipulating and exploiting them. Bullies may also use flattery as a form of subtle sarcasm. And if the target happens to be gullible, he may confuse it for genuine compliments. Bullies will then watch the target’s face light up with overexcitement, then laugh later.

Remember that many targets of bullying are often thirsty for any sign of approval and praise because they don’t get enough of it, if any at all. Therefore, anything that even looks like approval, they’ll be excited to receive, even overly so.

So, how can you tell the difference between fake flattery and a sincere compliment?

Simple. You can tell by the kind of relationship you have with the person giving you the compliment. In other words, if the person giving you the compliment is a bully who normally mistreats you, then you can be sure that it’s flattery. And the compliment is fake, phony, and false.

I can’t stress this enough. Never take seriously any “compliment” you receive from a bully. When a bully is suddenly nice to you and gives compliments, it is clearly to manipulate you. A bully who gives you a compliment is only flattering you. They are looking for an eventual payoff, be it psychological or otherwise.

In contrast, if the person is a true friend or family member, someone who loves you and has never intentionally harmed you, you know that the compliment is for real. Even if the praise comes from a total stranger, it would be more acceptable than if it came from a bully. Still, even with strangers, you should be gracious, but cautious because they haven’t established a relationship with you yet.

Make Sure Your Own Compliments are Sincere

Just the same, if you are the one making the compliment, make sure the person you compliment is a close friend or family member. In other words, make sure that person damn well deserves it from you and that they’ve done something that warrants it.

Understand that most people know their strengths and weaknesses. And if you give them a false accolade on something they know they aren’t good at, they will know that you’re lying to them. Also, they will wonder what ulterior motives you have in giving them such a fake compliment. Moreover, you can easily lose respect for it.

And last and most importantly, never compliment a bully! Ever!

Here’s why:

  1.  Bullies get their behinds kissed all the time and it’s exactly how they’ll perceive it.
  2. You will be giving the bully a juicy opportunity to turn it against you and steamroll you with it.
  3.  Bullies are the last people who deserve praise. Never give anyone anything they haven’t earned.

Follow these three rules and I promise you that your value will go up tremendously. It may not seem so, but it will.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Anytime Bullies Become Brazen, It’s a BAD Sign!

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What does it mean when bullies bully openly? When they no longer try to hide their hatred, abuse, and brutality from not only you but everyone else around? When your bullies bully you in plain sight, out in the open, in front of not only your peers, but also your teachers, principal, supervisors, or managers?

It means that you’re seeing a very bad sign- that the people in positions of power- those you would expect to act, have no intentions of holding your bullies accountable. What also means is that they have no intentions of helping or protecting you. Even worse, it means that the abuse has escalated to a very dangerous level.

People are only emboldened and get cocky and full of themselves when they know there’s no accountability for wrongdoing. Therefore, the bullies’ actions and arrogance only send unspoken messages to their targets which are as follows:

“We can do whatever we want and there’s nothing anyone can do.”

“Who’s going to stop us.”

“Who’s going to help you. You’re ours now.”

I can guarantee that if bullies thought they would be held responsible, they would try their level best to hide their evil or avoid doing it altogether. No one wants to have to answer for anything and they definitely don’t want the shame and humiliation that comes with it. So, naturally they either wouldn’t do the bad deeds at all, or they would only do their dirt behind closed doors.

guilt concept – unhappy young sporty man showing his throat with gun-like hands for sign of low self-esteem, textured effects

Whereas, after people have gotten away with hurting another person a few times, they naturally catch on that there are no repercussions, no shame, nor humiliation. And once there’s complete impunity and therefore, immunity, it’s no holds barred. So, if you’re a target of bullying and your bullies are continuously let off the hook, you’re a sitting duck!

Why? Because there are no limits to what your bullies can do to you and bullying always escalates if it’s left unchecked. And when someone bad is left unchecked, there’s no incentive to hide it, much less stop it.

And here’s another thing. It sets a precedent for everyone else, in that it will also encourage people who wouldn’t normally mistreat another person to jump on the bandwagon and bully you too. Naturally, when bystanders and witnesses see that the bullies are getting away with it, they will think that they will be let off the hook too and they will be encouraged to join in on the torment. It’s the science of group behavior.

Know that if you ever find yourself under these circumstances, you’re in a very dangerous situation and you must find a way to remove yourself from the environment before you sustain any further damage. It’s the only way you will ever regain your safety and peace of mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When Bullies Suddenly Act Like Buddies- Here’s What’s Really Going On

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You know what I’m talking about. People who treated you like garbage in the past then suddenly, just up and decide that you’re the best thing since sliced bread? Yup! Those!

They’ll gush over you and pour on the compliments, and man! Do they lay it on thick! These people tell you how wonderful you are and that they got you all wrong and misjudged you. They’ll show you excessive attention and laugh at your jokes with their counterfeit laughs. Yet, your internal alarm is going off in the pit of your gut because something feels “off” about these little encounters.

These bullies act so sappy, stand a little too close, and gush over your small wins and accomplishments. They seem to latch on to you like a tick to a dog.

I’ve had bullies do the same to me in the past, and when they did, my first thought was, “Ewww,” “Yuck,” or any other utterance of total disgust. It was downright sickening, and as hard as it was not to look them in the eye and say, “Okay. What do you want,” I only humored them for a while.

But sooner or later, they got careless and stupid. The bullies ended up showing their cards without realizing it until it was too late.  I’d say something that rubbed them the wrong way or have a belief they didn’t share. Then, all hell broke loose.

Isn’t it funny when bullies let their emotions tell the truth about them?

The point is that the nice act doesn’t mask evil intentions. Ever. Bullies will try it, but they end up giving themselves away eventually. But there’s more. Before they give themselves away, you can often tell that something isn’t right. You can hear the fakery in their voices, and you know they’re trying a little too hard to sound convincing. It’s as if they aren’t only trying to convince you; they’re also trying to convince themselves!

My advice is to get away from these people. Fast! Because they’re up to something. You might not know what that “something” is, but for your safety, ditch these fools and have nothing to do with them. If something feels wrong, listen closely. Your instinct never lies.

With knowledge comes empowerment.

Hypersensitivity- A Hallmark of a Bully

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Ha! And they call us hypersensitive. Oh yes! Bullies will accuse their targets of being what they themselves are, “too sensitive.”

But have you noticed how they explode in anger and indignation after the smallest of perceived slights? Or how bullies (particularly female bullies) will be the ones who dissolve into a puddle of tears if someone even looks at them cross-ways, or says something hurtful to them? Or worse, they get held accountable for their bad behavior? I saw this happen at school on several occasions and I’ve got to admit, it was hilarious!

In truth, bullies have the sensitivity of the princess in the classic, “The Princess and the Pea.” They bruise so easily.

The double-standard is clear. Bullies feel intense resentment when targets speak out about their abuse. All the while, bullies feel entitled to do things that are a thousand times worse, not to mention, unspeakable, to the target.

But we are not supposed to talk about that. Right?

Actions speak louder than words. And we must learn to rely less on words and more on other’s actions and behavior to get the answers to any questions we have about bullies, abusers, or anyone who does not have our best interests in mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Reasons Bullies Are Celebrated and Non-Bullies Hated

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Everywhere you go, be it the workplace, the school, the community, anywhere, it seems that the worst, most vile and nastiest people are celebrated and those who just want to live their lives in peace and go about their business are despised.

In a world that thrives mostly on smooth talk and appearances, authentic and good people are demonized by others because people see them as threats and feel they must contain threats. But allow me to break it down a little more.

1. The biggest reason bullies are celebrated, and mentally healthy people are hated is because people place their priorities on the wrong things- power, fame, sex, money, success, and good looks- things they feel would make them feel and seem more important.

Also, too many people think that strength is all about the ability to buffalo others and look tough. Granted, this may have been true back during the caveman days, but not today. Today, strength comes from social intelligence and the ability to keep quiet and listen. Strength comes from mental toughness, not physical.

Genuine strength comes from staying true to yourself and committing to the right thing in an environment of wrong. It’s staying kind and good when you’re surrounded by evil. True strength is standing up to power bullies when you feel at your weakest. It’s having the endurance to take life’s gut punches and having the resolve to get back up.

2. Another reason bullies are celebrated, and good people hated is because bullies are notorious for sucking-up to power in power to win favor and special treatment. Good don’t or won’t kiss booty to get ahead. They prefer to advance on their own merit. Good people are true to themselves and feel they don’t have to lick someone else’s boots to survive and thrive. They mind their own business and don’t get involved in cliques and social politics.

3. Bullies are well-known for making the good people with healthy minds look evil and mentally ill and they do it by provoking them into an argument. Bullies know better than to tell blatant lies, so they take a tiny grain of truth and embellish on it, adding their own personal spin to it and making things and people look worse than what they are. Make no mistake, bullies are good at distortions.

They are like magicians in that they create illusions that are believable. You’ve heard the term, “sleight of hand,” but bullies have a talent for, “sleight of word” – they’re the best wordsmiths in the business of bullying. For example, a good person can make an honest mistake and a bully will take it and make it look like the person didn’t do the thing by accident but deliberately. Bullies are experts and making simple mistakes look like evil sins punishable by death.

4. Again, good people are considered threatening in an environment of evil because they have a flare for exposing truths that bullies would move heaven and earth to keep hidden. Sometimes, these people, just by their authentic and down-to-earth personalities, can expose bullies and the bullies know it, so, they decide that it’s better to mob them (the authentic people) out before they bust them (the bullies) out.

Therefore, anytime you are faced with a bully, and you know you never did anything to provoke the person, it’s because of the four reasons above.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

6 Ways Bullies Gaslight Their Targets (Part 2)

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(…Continued from Part 1)

You already know the first three ways bullies use gaslighting. Here are more of their evil tactics and what you can do to keep your self-esteem intact.

4. Isolating the Target (Divide and Conquer)
Bullies often force their targets into isolation through social aggression (spreading rumors and lies about the person or intimidating his/her associates).

In doing this, bullies strategically turn the target’s friends and associates against them to cut him/her off from any support or protection they might otherwise receive. Once the subject is isolated, the bullies then move in for the kill and take the bullying to new heights.

If the target expresses the desire to change schools or workplaces, the bullies may try to discourage him/her by convincing them that they won’t be treated any better in the new environment or attempting to block the targets’ transfer and cut off any means of escape.

5. Bullies Make Themselves Out to be Superior and Cunningly Convince the Target that he/she needs them to get along.
Bullies slyly force their target to believe he/she somehow needs their approval. If the bullies can make the target dependent on them, their power and control only increase.

Bullies do this by convincing to target that they (the bullies) are the only ones who can better his/her (the target’s) situation- that only through them (the bullies) will the person be able to make friends and enjoy positive relationships! And only with their (the bullies’) permission will the target find happiness and fulfillment.

Also, bullies make the target believe that they must submit to their every whim and wish, no matter how demeaning, before they grant him/her relief from the attacks. But understand that bullies will never leave you alone! It’s is only another tactic to assert domination!

6. Empty Promises

“If you do this, I’ll go away quietly and leave you alone.”
“If you do that, I’ll be your friend.”
“If you’d only do XYZ, I’ll make things easier for you.”

Don’t buy any of it! You can never appease a bully. They will never go away or stop the harassment. They only make empty promises to keep you under their control. Understand that bullies have an insatiable appetite for power, control, and destruction.

They are like bottomless pits, and no matter what you do to please them, they’ll only continue or increase the torment. You must realize that no amount of bullying is ever enough for a bully. Bullies are power and drama addicts, and harassment of their targets is like a drug to them. They can never get enough! Bullies always come back for more! In short, they become drunk on their own power.

The only way to stop a bully is to either use reverse psychology, put the fear of God into him/her by calling them out publicly, or go no contact if you can. If you can’t, then use the first two suggestions. It may or may not work, but keep it up. Because if you just clam up and say nothing, you’ll feel terrible about yourself later.

There are two things bullies fear most. Losing face and losing power, which would only come from having their evil exposed and and with the target ceasing to care what they say and think altogether. NOTE: When you stop caring (which can only happen after you see the bullies for the pathetic souls they really are), it’ll be so much easier to come back with a witty, one-line counter-dig and keep walking.

Another important note: DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Write it all down in detail to keep records of this kind of stuff! You may need it!!!!!!

Jot down what happened (in detail), including date and time it happened, where it happened, who the bullies are, names of any bystanders, teachers, supervisors, etc., and if possible, why it happened (was it retaliation?)! EVERYTHING!

Find ways to expose bullies and reclaim your power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

One Way to Trick Your Bullies into Leaving You Alone

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Is there ever a time when you should surrender to a bully? The answer is yes, or at least make it look like you’re surrendering to them. In life, there are times when we should pick and choose our battles- to decide whether to fight back or leave well enough alone. It is a must when your bullies are extremely powerful because it isn’t smart to fight them and give them a chance to defeat you.

Sometimes real power comes with swallowing your pride and giving in to them first. When you do this, you’ll only enrage the bullies and throw them off-kilter because they were looking for a fight and so sure they’d get one but didn’t.

There’s no point in fighting an unwinnable battle. Showing weakness can be a strength if you know how to use it correctly.

When you surrender (or make it look as if you do), you give yourself time to recuperate and time to torture and irritate your bullies subtly. You can sneakily sabotage your bullies in ways they’d never expect nor detect. Maybe you can get what you can out of the surrender, then fight later when your bullies are not so strong. Believe it or not, bullies do eventually lose power.

You don’t surrender because you give up. You do it to humor your bullies and lull them into a false sense of complacency- to fool them into thinking they’ve won. Understand that bullies are continually trying to show dominance and superiority, and if you make it look like you surrender to them, it’ll be so easy to trick them.

Being submissive to them (for the time being) makes them feel satisfied and powerful. In this, the bullies become easier targets for a later countermove or indirect ridicule.

For example, You surrender, and the bullies let you walk away. But as you turn and walk away, you can cut a silent fart in their general direction, and they won’t think it came from you. They’ll only be looking at each other and wondering who dealt it.

Silent ridicule works wonders for self-esteem!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

As Much as We May Hate Politics, We Must Acknowledge that Bullying and Politics Go Hand in Hand

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Politics is a dirty word to a lot of people. Why? Because politics is dirty in and of itself. And though many of us may hate politics, we must acknowledge that it exists and that it’s everywhere!

I completely understand why the word itself leaves such a bad taste in your mouth. It does mine as well, because I’ve been a victim of it many times in my lifetime. Let’s been real, we’ve all been victims of it at some time or another.

However, we must realize that bullying and politics go hand in hand- always! There’s office politics in the workplace and school and student politics at school as well as local, state, national, and world politics. Again, politics is everywhere. And the longer we deny it, avoid it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, the longer we will continue to get steamrolled.

Hence the term, dirty politics.

Dirty politics is used to manipulate and restructure social hierarchies, and therefore, dis-empower targeted people and groups. Understand that dirty politics, in general, is about gaining power, nothing more.

But isn’t bullying also about dis-empowering targets and centralizing power only to a few in the in-group or the highest echelons of a social hierarchy in a school, workplace, community, and on up? Of course, it is.

Bullying and politics, or, more appropriately, dirty politics, are as ugly and nasty as they are close relatives.

Now do you see the connection between bullying and politics, particularly, dirty politics? I thought that you would. Understand that bullying is dirty politics!

I’ll leave you to think on this and if you have any questions or concerns, feel free to share them in the comments below and I’ll answer them as quickly and accurately as I can.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Who Use Doublespeak

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Bullies are slick with their insults. Many times, they may disguise their vitriol and contempt with the use of doublespeak.

The term “doublespeak” comes from George Orwell’s book “1984” and a person uses it when he uses euphemisms and words that sound more palatable to the ears. Bullies use doublespeak to sound concerned rather than hateful to keep from turning other people off.

For example:

A bully is degrading and defaming their target. But rather than being blunt and saying,

“I can’t stand him, he’s batshit crazy and he belongs in the nuthouse!” the bully will instead say,

“I’m very concerned about him. I think he has a mental imbalance somewhere that hasn’t been addressed. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

The first version would make the bully sound like the person she truly is- a nasty old shrew! The second version sounds so much better and makes the bully look like a good person who’s genuinely concerned for the target.

Here’s another example:

A bully is putting her neighbor down. But rather than say,

“I’d like to catch her in the street and beat the living crap out of her and leave her to die!” which would make the bully sound like a vindictive and hateful bitch, she says,

“If she doesn’t change her attitude, I’m afraid someone’s going to hurt her really bad!”

Again, the second version sounds so much better because it shows concern rather than hatred for the target and it also makes the target look like she must be bringing the bad treatment on herself.

It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it and the nonverbal communication you use with it that makes all the difference. It’s too easy to bully someone without looking like a bully!

Believe it or not, if you’re a target, you know when you’re being bullied no matter how covert your bullies may be. The trick is to call it out in the early stages before the sneaky attacks become a habit or a set pattern.

Never let anyone grow too comfortable with abusing you. Once they do, the abuse will escalate until it  gets so out of control that people won’t even try to hide it! And that’s when you will be in grave danger!

Again! Call it out in the early stages. It’s the only way you’ll be able to put a stop to it!

The One Thing That Gets Targets of Bullying in The Most Trouble

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Overreacting. Any overreactions to the taunts, insults, and attacks of bullies only bring more problems targets would otherwise avoid if they stayed calm. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson through time-consuming trial and error, and it could’ve gotten me either maimed or killed. But you don’t have to.

Overreacting can have a boomerang effect because when you get overly excited, the chances are that the bullies will too- especially bullies who are overly aggressive. Overdoing the response could cause the altercation to escalate into something you may not be able to walk away from. Also, the bullies could use your overreaction against you.

The target’s overreaction is how bullies feign victimhood and make the victim look like the aggressor. It’s how bullies bait their victims. So why not use a different strategy?

Chess board and text “Strategic plan” Business planning concept

The smart thing to do is to fake a surrender or submission. Make it look as if you’re giving in to your bullies’ demands. I realize this may feel a bit cowardly to you, but you aren’t caving in, you’re only making your bullies think you are. So, remain calm and make them believe they have the upper hand. Doing so will stabilize the bully’s temper.

But wait! There’s another benefit! Your bullies more than likely expect or even want you to react with a high degree of aggression. But you don’t, and it will throw them off guard. It will surprise, even shock your bullies, because you remained calm and agreed with them. The surprise is a powerful weapon if you know how to use it.

Use your fake surrender as part of a bigger plan once you fool them into thinking you care. On the inside, you continue to stand your ground, but on the outside, you give in to their desires. Doing so can give you time to quietly plan a countermeasure that will bring the bullies down. Smarts will always trump aggression every time!

However, understand that this takes a truckload of self-discipline and self-control. And, as mentioned earlier, you may feel like a big old wimp when you use this technique. Just remember this: You’re not giving the bullies what they want. You only look like you are. You’re only playing dead to save your life!

Here’s a third benefit. By faking your submission, you also allow yourself time to study your bullies and carefully plot any future moves. And when the bullies are satisfied and lay off you, you’ll finally have room to make your countermove.

So, go ahead—fake your submission. Get close to your bullies and learn their ways. Give them no reason to react, nothing to prepare for, and no cause for resistance. Then when the time is right, BAM!

They won’t know what hit them.

Any time you make it look as if you submit to your bullies, you’re only mocking them. It’s silent disdain – like expelling a silent fart in their direction, only they don’t know they’ve been farted on.

You turn their own power against them and make them look like idiots. But they can’t retaliate because you did what they told you to do. Right?

With knowledge comes empowerment!