Tag: bullying

unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

2 Powerful Defense Strategies Targets Use

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Being a target can be a lonely and terrifying existence. Because of the intense hatred people spew daily, you walk on eggshells because you don’t know what the bullies and their minions will do next. They could physically hurt you, or worse. Also, you feel desperate to correct what is wrong, but you have no clue what it is.

So many targets can relate. With that said, I want to tell you that if you are or have been a target of school bullies, you are not alone, and you will eventually overcome your tormentors just like I did.

So, what are two lesser-known defense strategies targets use?

1. They Dress up for school or work.

To keep their self-esteem from completely tanking, they may dress in flashy clothes, desiring to look like a million bucks for school or work. Clothes from Walmart just aren’t good enough for these targets. They feel they must shop at Maurice’s, or maybe even Nordstrom in order to feel good about themselves. And if they don’t dress to the nines at school, they feel less than. They also resort to this to alleviate some of the shame they feel.

Not that dressing snazzy is a bad thing. It isn’t. However, the reason these target do it is because they’re insecure inside and the clothes help to remedy that insecurity.

This has a lot to do with how poorly people have treated them. So, they then dress even better, only for the bullies and the rest of the student body or coworkers to label them “a poser.” However, the nice clothes and knowing that you look damn good has a way of buffering your self-esteem when bullies go on the attack..

Targets also feel that their attire provides them a sense of not only style but control.

2. They act stuck-up and conceited.

Put plainly, targets may think to themselves or even say out loud, “I don’t care what they say. I’m awesome. They’re just too jealous to admit it.”

Does this sound arrogant? Conceited? Maybe. Does this sound downright narcissistic? Perhaps. Is it the right attitude to have? Both yes and no. Sometimes, a good defense is for the target to act conceited and like they just don’t need any of them.

In other words, their holier-than-thou attitude, however unattractive it might be, helps targets to preserve what little self-esteem and dignity they have left. It helps them to keep going when things were at their worst. Most importantly, it helps them to keep from being totally brainwashed and reprogrammed by evil bullies who would love nothing more than to destroy not only their bodies, and prospects, but also their minds.

A defense Mechanism to keep people away.

Targets may walk around with their noses in the air and refused to speak. Also, they may have a sassy and smart-alicky attitude. Moreover, I say this from experience. I was extremely sarcastic and had a snotty disposition. I even laughed at and bullied others to grab back some power. My attitude stunk – period.

Again, it’s the only way some targets know to stay strong and and maintain a little bit of poise.

Although, it’s only a self-protective behavior, the downside to this is that this attitude can easily get targets hurt or worse. It can also drive away people who otherwise could and would be great friends and allies. Nobody wants to put themselves at risk of being rejected, even people who aren’t targets of bullying. I don’t recommend you bully others like I did. However, if people are bullying you, you have every right not to speak to them and to hold your head high. Just be aware of the circumstances first.

Some targets of bullying can be really sarcastic. This sarcasm gives them a sense of power. In fact, it’s how they survive. But understand that this reaction to others is only out of fear and it’s no way to live. Therefore, I cannot stress enough that, if you’re a target of bullying, don’t let it change your overall attitude for the worse.  Pick and choose the times and people you show your snarky attitude to. Sometimes, it can be socially powerful, but at other times, it can get you into serious trouble.

What are your thoughts? Please feel free to comment on your experiences and what you did to cope.

Are They Intimidating or Intimidated?

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angry woman pointing at camera

There are always motives and emotions behind the attacks of every bully.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you, whether it’s something you said, did, or conveyed. It could be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them and becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

1.Fear

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from fighting back is to retaliate with greater force.

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you. You just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose respect, status, and authority (power).

2. Resentment and Revenge

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

3. Deception

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive and go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

5 Body Language Mistakes You Should Avoid

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Bullies are always on the hunt for targets. Therefore, they look for signs in a target person that screams “victim.” Bullies will study their quarry’s body language first and foremost. They also note their emotional reactions to certain stimuli. In other words, they watch how the person handles conflict and adversity. But first things first. Let’s talk about body language, particularly, body language you should always avoid and ways to correct it.

1. Lack of Eye-contact (Looking down or away)

Lack of eye-contact signals either dishonesty, or a lack of confidence, which is exactly what bullies look for.

Many targets get nervous in social situations, which is understandable. When people have bullied a person for long enough, that person no longer feels safe in social interactions and will often avoid them altogether.

A little nervousness is normal. However, when you’re nervous to the point of avoiding eye-contact with others, bullies may notice and peg you for a victim. Also, even people who aren’t necessarily bullies may mistake you for being deceptive.

Therefore, the best thing to do is to relax and look others in the eye when socializing. Realize that not everything is about you. Make the interaction about the other person or people in the conversation. Smile. Act confident.

Yes, acting confident may seem fake. However, personal experience has taught me that if you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And confidence is the best way to get through any social situation. Also, it lessens your chances of attracting bullies.

2. submissive body language

This includes poor posture, such as slouching and hunching down. Also, people-pleasing is another form of submission. Behaviors such as shying away from saying what you want to say and not seeking to achieve your needs are forms of people-pleasing.

You must stop this behavior right now. Begin standing and sitting up straight. Stop trying to please other people and instead, start achieving your own needs for a change. Remember that you deserve, just as much as the next person, to have your needs and wants met. Start working toward your own goals.

3. self-protective behaviors (closed body-language)

Crossing of the arms in front of you, crossing your legs, and hunkering down into the shoulders and hiding the neck are all self-protective behaviors. Bullies will instantly notice this behavior from a mile away and think, “fresh meat!” when they see it.

Instead, open up and allow yourself to take up some space. Lengthen your neck and hold your head high. Relax. Always relax!

4. Having a Sheepish Look On Your Face

That includes downcast eyes, holding your head down, and looking bashful. Again, hold your head high. Look people in the eye and smile. I guarantee you they will appreciate it when you do and think more highly of you.

5. trying to stay motionless to avoid drawing attention

This almost always gets you opposite results. Staying motionless won’t keep you from drawing attention. It just might get you the wrong attention- from bullies. You must move freely and I’m going to say it again… relax!

In closing, you must watch your body language if you don’t want bullies to spot you as a potential target, it’s imperative that you watch your body language. In other words, if you catch yourself looking down, correct this by looking people in the eye or looking ahead. If it’s slouching you find yourself doing, sit up straight. And keep doing this until it becomes second nature, no matter how long it takes. Because body language speaks louder than words ever will. Not only should you mind your own body language, you should also watch the bullies’ nonverbal cues as well.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

You Know Bullying When You Feel It

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dreamstime_s_93685680

One of the saddest things about bullying is the confusion it often brings. Many targets of bullying are confused and misled as to whether or not they are legitimately being bullied or only being paranoid.

Oftentimes, when an individual defends themselves against a bully, others may gaslight the person by either trivializing the bullying or dismissing it. They tell the target that “it’s only in your mind” or “you’re just being paranoid”. Half the time, people convince the target of the above statements, which only forces him to endure the torment in silence. Bullying cannot thrive without silence.

Bullying Cannot Thrive Without Silence

Therefore, the bully is let off the hook and is free to target the same individual again in the future. The bully gets the message loud and clear that it’s okay to target this person simply because they can – and with impunity.

After so long, the target begins to feel as if it is somehow wrong to report and stand up to bullies. the person then questions their own sanity, thinking, “Maybe it really is only in my mind.” and often grows silent for fear of being gaslighted and seen as “paranoid”, “crazy”, “overly sensitive” or other labels that undermine and steal their voice.

Bullying is Not Only In YOur Mind.

If you’re a target of these mind games, let me assure you: It’s NOT only in your imagination. You are not being overly sensitive. You are not being a wimp, wuss, crybaby, crazy or whatever else unsavory people may call you.

Always remember that bullies are very skilled and convincing liars. You always know when something does not feel good. Your brain and your gut always let you know when something isn’t right!

You can see it in the way certain people cut their eyes at you.

You can see and hear them talking through their teeth.

Also, you can hear the short and cold tone in their voices.

You can feel, deep down in your gut, the nasty vibes they exude.

This is why you should always listen to your gut feeling because it is never wrong. Eighty-six those people, pronto!

Defending their rights concept

Anyone who causes you to feel bad does not deserve the time of day from you.

It does not matter if they are rich, smart, good looking, popular, successful, cool or tough. If they cause you to feel less than, ditch them! Weed. Them. Out! They are not worthy of even being in your presence. Never allow anyone to violate your boundaries, whether physical or psychological. Also, never allow anyone to silence you. Speak out! Refuse their gaslighting.

Self awareness is key, as is awareness of everyone and everything around you. Setting boundaries is equally important. You must get to know yourself. Listen to your body and the sensations you feel.

It is imperative that you get absolutely clear on what you will and will not accept. Only then will you be able to tell the difference and send your bullies packing.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Difference Between Curiosity and Nosiness

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My husband and I have discussed how people often confuse curiosity for nosiness.  We both agreed that the two are different after I told him how they differ. Soon afterward, this conversation gave me an idea for a future blog post. However, I forgot about it because I was swamped with household duties, yard work, and other priorities.

Next, a fellow blogger and wonderful friend, Kym Gordon Moore, posted about the subject on her own blog. You can find her lovely and insightful post here.

what is the difference between curiosity and nosiness?

Simple. Curiosity doesn’t violate anyone’s boundaries. Whereas, nosiness does. This was my response during the above-mentioned conversation with my husband. And I didn’t have to elaborate on it.

In the words of Kym Gordon Moore, “Being nosy is prying into other people’s business, meddling, being intrusive, and snooping, oftentimes gossiping about what they find out,”

“…curiosity is more of a desire to learn something new that enhances one’s intellect and not about poking your nose in other people’s business for annoying reasons.”

Her statements were spot on, and I couldn’t agree more!

What does a Nosy Person and a Curious person do differently?

A curious person doesn’t invade others’ privacy. A curious person is more interested in educational information. They want to know more about how things work than they do other people.

On the other hand, a nosy person will pry into your personal and private business, trying to get some dirt on you. It’s all for the purposes of spreading it to everyone later. These are people who will listen and ultimately, make you look like a scandalous person. Moreover, a nosy person will snoop through your mail, your computer- heck! If they can get access to all your social media passwords, don’t think they won’t go there too.

Understand that bullies are such people, and they will be the nosiest of the nosy. Why? Because they’re always and forever on the hunt for damaging information they can use against you.

Nosiness is invasive. If a nosy person asks you a personal question and you refuse to answer, they will accuse you of “having something to hide.”

nosy people will claim you have something to hide if you don’t give them answers.

Moreover, this is how bullies trick their targets. They will use the “having something to hide” line to coerce their targets into giving up the details. Moreover, many targets will feel compelled to give it up even if they know it’s better to keep it private!

When bullies make this accusation, targets will cave in and go against their better judgement. Some will answer the bullies’ questions, just to prove that they don’t have anything to hide. Consequently, they get themselves into trouble.

If you ever find yourself in this predicament, I want you to understand that your refusal to answer isn’t about having anything to hide. It’s about some things just not being anyone else’s business. Realize that you have just as much right to privacy as the next person.

Additionally, I want to mention that bullies will also accuse you of being nosy when you’re clearly trying to learn something new. This has happened to me and, being a young teenager, I fell for the lie and let it have a negative impact on my learning.

Responding to a Nosy Person

Close up of examining of test sample of microchip transistor under the microscope in laboratory.

Therefore, it’s so important to learn the difference between curiosity and nosiness. Knowing this difference will make you able to counter busybodies with confidence. Also, you’ll be able to confidently defend yourself any time some snake accuses you of being nosy when you’re only trying to learn and educate yourself.

So, in closing, I’ll again give you the short and easily digestible explanations of curiosity and nosiness.

Curiosity- a desire to learn something new that enhances one’s intellect and broaden one’s education. It includes reading, researching, studying, observing, and listening for information that can make you more intelligent and help you grow. Curiosity is non-invasive and non-intrusive. It does not seek to violate personal boundaries or to cause harm.

Nosiness- prying in other people’s personal business. It includes meddling, snooping, asking personal questions, and eavesdropping on other people. Nosiness is invasive and intrusive. It seeks to violate another’s personal boundaries and to cause harm to them.

Learn these differences by heart and you will be better able to counter bullies in any of the above-mentioned scenarios.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Know the Body Language of Targets

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Bullies bully many of their targets long term, most over a period of years. Imagine what that does to the targets’ confidence and self-esteem. And sadly, it comes out in the targets’ body language.

Therefore, many targets of bullying are very nervous people, especially in social situations. And why not? Bullies have beaten them down- stripped them of their confidence, vibrance, their entire personhood. Is it any wonder they’re constantly walking on eggshells and monitoring every action and every word that comes out of their mouths?

It’s a crappy way to live when you’re always on guard.

Are they nervous and afraid or are they lying?

Consequently, many targets of bullying get accused by authority of lying about the bullying they suffer. Why? Because people all too often mistake nervousness and anxiousness for deception. If you’ve ever read “Othello,” by William Shakespeare, you’ll get a clearer picture of this heartbreaking scenario.

Many targets are often afraid to even look people in the eye, especially those with Asperger’s and on the Autism Spectrum. And being bullied to the point of lacking eye contact is a terrible thing. Although bad eye contact or complete lack of can, in fact signal deception, it’s usually not the case with targets. When a person is suffering from bullying or any type of abuse, it usually conveys nervousness and terror.

Therefore, we must look at context. Have we witnessed others consistently bullying and abusing the target? It’s too easy to confuse fear with deception if we aren’t careful.

Other signals of nervousness and fear are shaking, sweating, lip-licking and touching the face and neck. Again, targets of bullying are anxious. Who wouldn’t be if they were relentlessly bullied?

Before we make the snap judgement that the target is lying or has something to hide, we should always look for other nonverbals that go with it. Moreover, we must look at context- the circumstances in which the nervousness comes about.

Submissive Body Language

Many targets of bullying also display submissive body language. No surprise there. They have encountered bullies who have abused them so badly and for so long that they feel helpless. They bullying these targets have endured has rendered them powerless.

Therefore, these poor souls tend to be overly forgiving. They want to stay as far away from conflict or criticism as humanly possible because they already get enough of it in their bullying environments, be it at school, work, or home.

These targets will usually have a sheepish look on their faces. They also stay motionless to keep from drawing attention to themselves. Moreover, they tend to hold their heads down and look down all the time.

Protective Behaviors

Targets of bullying often have closed body language, such as crossing the arms in front of them crossing their legs or hunkering down into the shoulders and hiding the neck. This signals self-protection. Another thing they do is display bad posture by slouching.

This body language that targets display is so easy to spot, yet most people in authority either ignore it or don’t consider it. Worse even, it attracts bullies, users, and abusers!

Bullies can read this body language from a mile away and they will instantly think, “target!” and take full advantage.

It won’t be easy. However, if you’re a target of bullying, it is imperative that you watch your body language. And if you catch yourself displaying any of the above nonverbal cues, you must do your best to correct it.

How do You Stop Looking Like a Target?

When you catch yourself slouching, sit or stand up straight. If you see that you’re looking down, hold your head up and look ahead. Uncross your arms and legs, start making eye contact with people, and stop being overly forgiving. The last thing you want is to continue looking like bully-bait.

Begin seeing your worth and setting boundaries. Lose the sheepish look and replace it with the look of confidence.

Do these things and there’s a strong chance that your situation will improve drastically! And if you’re having difficultly, here are more ways you can buffer your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

3 Motives Behind a Bully’s Attacks

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Behind every bully’s attacks is a motive.

Have you ever wondered why bullies are so aggressive with you when they could care less about you? You understand that when someone doesn’t care a lick about you, they show no emotion, positive or negative. In other words, they’re indifferent.

However, when the bully is aggressive, it shows that they are bothered by something about you. It could be something you said, did, or conveyed through body language. It could even be your very presence that might bother the person.

Whatever the case may be, that something about you is motivating the attacks and aggression. But realize this, it’s not that they care one iota about you. What they do care about, however, is the possibility of your taking your power back from them. You becoming independent of their thoughts and opinions of you is the last thing your bullies want.

Here are 3 motives and emotions behind a bully’s attacks.

  1. Fear.

Bullies fear losing power over you. Whether it’s physical attacks or smearing and trying to cancel you, every bit of it is only proof that they feel threatened. Moreover, your bullies feel that they’re losing the battle for power or are about to lose. Therefore, they double down on attacking you to reinforce their power over you and keep you under their thumb. This often comes in the form of retaliation because you stood up to them and defended yourself. And the only way to discourage you from doing that again is to retaliate with greater force. 

Why? Because if you stand your ground and begin refusing their attempts to walk on you, you just might start a huge trend and inspire others to do the same, causing the bullies to lose  all respect, status, and authority (power).

  1. Resentment and Revenge.

Again. When you defend yourself against a bully’s attacks or demands, you only make them look (and feel) like punks, especially if you do it in front of an audience. It is for this reason that bullies will often retaliate. And they do it not only to subdue you and keep you under their power, or to save their “tough” reputations, but they also do it out of revenge. Anytime you stand up to bullies, they will often try to get back at you for it. Understand that bullies are entitled little twits. They need gratification and satisfaction, and when you refuse to give it to them, they will resent you and desire to punish you for it.

lies, liar, woman whose nose has grown long

  1. Deception.

Bullies have an image to keep up and they want to look tough. In other words, the bullies are trying like the devil to cover up the fact that you’re winning the power war against them. Think about it. If you were truly losing, they would act indifferent toward you. Your bullies wouldn’t need to become aggressive. It wouldn’t be necessary to go on the attack because you would be no threat to them nor the image they portray in public.

Therefore, they wouldn’t give you the time of day. Bullies, particularly the narcissistic type, always discard those they deem to be losers. On the other hand, threats must be contained. Those they see as threats are a lot of hard work for bullies. They require many attacks for the bullies to restore their power, be that power image, social status, or even physical status.

So, if a bully is incessantly attacking you, it isn’t because there is anything wrong with you and it isn’t because you’re weak. It’s because you somehow pose a threat to them, and that threat may or may not be so obvious. It may be very subtle. For example, the bully may pick up on something that isn’t so visible, maybe an inner strength you have that they can’t quite put their finger on.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Real Power versus Fake Power

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There is fake power and there is real power. It’s not the power bullies have. It’s the power they can make you think they have. Therefore, the power you think your bullies have is the power you give them. Everyone knows that, deep down, at their very core, bullies are nothing but incompetent sniveling cowards. Yet, they’re good at using force to get people to agree with them and submit to their whims.

Moreover, by using force, sometimes violence, bullies fool you into thinking you don’t have an ounce of power. But! When you allow people to hoodwink you into thinking that you are powerless, you give up your power.

Realize that the use of force is the only way bullies can have power. They draw their power by instilling terror in you. They cause you to fear their punishment. The greater the power you are conditioned to think these bullies have, the more dangerous their abuse will be.

Additionally, bullies use the fear of retaliation to silence you and prevent you from telling others of their abuse. I’ll say it again, bullies are notorious for using fear and brute force to control you. However, that’s not real power.

Now, I can hear you. You are probably asking, “Well, what is real power?”

Real power is power that comes naturally and requires little effort. Here are the sources.

Sources of Real Power
  1. Talents
  2. Emotional Intelligence (how you react to adversity)
  3. The right education
  4. Knowing what others need and want
  5. Street smarts
  6. Physical attractiveness
  7. Natural Charm

One quick note! Bullies may also have any or all these sources of real power. However, they may use them for evil- to deceive and harm others. These bullies are the most dangerous.

Sources of Fake Power

  1. Deception (keeping up an image)
  2. Ultimatums
  3. Gaslighting
  4. Bluffing
  5. Blocking of vital resources (food, water, money, jobs, housing, access to information, silencing of communication, money, etc.)
  6. Control of your thinking, words, actions, movement, etc.
  7. Subjugation
  8. Entrapment
  9. Physical size and strength
  10. Superficial charm
  11. Position on a hierarchy (company boss, socialite, most popular kid in school, etc.)

the fruits of Fake power versus real power

Real power requires very little work. Whereas instilling fear and wielding force requires a lot of effort on the parts of the bullies.

Also, real power fosters trust. It makes people feel safe. While fake power violates trust and the safety and security of others. People feel threatened by fake power.

Real power is earned and acquired based on merit . Fake power is stolen and acquired by deception.

Real power comes from your innate gifts- things that can never be taken from you. Fake power comes from outer gifts, such as a high position in a company- things that can be taken from you anytime.

In short, the use of real power attracts people. The use of fake power only repels them.

Although others may seem to admire bullies, even worship them. However, they do so either because they’ve been deceived, to get something from them, or out of fear.  Fake power is superficial. And the flying monkeys and followers of a bully can evaporate so easily. I’ve seen the downfall of many a bully and the people who follow them immediately disappeared.

Therefore, you must see the bigger picture and ask yourself from what sources bullies draw their power and how they use it. You must ask yourself how much effort your bullies must expend to have the power they possess and what their motives and intentions are. Train yourself to see behind their curtain. Most importantly, you must find ways to empower yourself without taking personal power from others.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Handling Gossips, Busybodies and Buttinskies

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girl looking at her cellphone while her snooping friend looks over her shoulder

Whether it’s the nosy classmate who’s never short of personal and intimate questions about your private life, the workplace gossip who never shuts up and always seems to know your business before you do, or the spying neighbor across the street who forever peers through her window to spy on the neighbors outside, these kinds of people can be a real hemorrhoid to those of us who only want to be left alone and allowed to live our lives in peace.

Moreover, I even had one woman ask me how much I got paid and how much I paid in rent or mortgage? I know. The nerve! Right?

After the shock wore off, I politely told her that she was getting too personal. I also told her that I didn’t share such private information with anyone, not even my family members. Oooeee! She didn’t like it.

nosy detective looking over his newspaper at you, spying concept

These types often leave you shaking and scratching your head because you just can’t believe anyone would have the chutzpah. Especially if you were raised to mind your own business like I was.

Make no Mistake! Their end goal is power and control!

Understand that these people can be bullies too. Their gossip, butting-in, and having a constant nose stuck in your life can be a form of attempted control. Bullies will often ask you these kinds of questions to embarrass or humiliate you. Therefore, anybody who openly asks you such questions has no respect for your privacy, and you should deal with them accordingly.

However, because they can’t seem to control their own lives, they wish to control yours. And they do it for nothing more than to cause an annoyance or embarrassment.

nosy woman peering through the window blinds

Though the years, there was always that one neighbor who would sit on their porch all day. They would watch not only my house but the other houses in the neighborhood as well. So, on a good note, I can’t say that I was left out. As a matter of fact, I was in good company with most of the other neighbors in my community.

As a result, many of the others in the community weren’t short of complaints about the lady and we had a nickname for her- “Mrs. I-Spy.”

Nosy people are annoying to others.

Nevertheless, although I’d get annoyed by her a few times, I couldn’t get angry with her like many of the others. Mrs. I-Spy was disabled and could barely get around. All I could feel was bad for her because I knew she wasn’t a happy person. Who would be if their health were deteriorating to the point of barely able to perform activities of daily living? And home health was scarce back then.

eavesdropping businessman with huge ears

Also, on the days when she couldn’t get outside, she’d have her grandchildren watch the neighbors. The grands would then go back inside and give her a report of the goings-on in the others’ yards and the traffic in and out of their houses. It’s hilarious when I look back now.

busybodies do have their good points.

I can honestly say that if there were a burglary or trouble nearby, she’d have been the first to see it and call the cops. So, there’s a silver lining to all this. Thank God for nosy neighbors because they do serve a great purpose!

However, my classmates in high school, not so much. I had very little respect for them because most of them were nosy as hell! They would watch me closely and eavesdrop on any of my conversations. They always had an ear cocked. At Oakley High School, the walls had ears!

The walls have eyes, a brick wall with pairs of eyes

Always in my business, questioning me on things that were so trivial yet to them was a huge deal. They would even ask me the most personal and embarrassing questions.

“Have you started your period yet?”
“Are you a virgin?”
“How is your boyfriend in bed?”

some will ask you the most embarrassing questions.

These kinds of questions made me cringe! Naturally, it upset me back then and I’d only storm off. But if one of them had the audacity to do that today, I’d only laugh, make fun of and humiliate them. And I’d enjoy humiliating them.

nosy man with his ear to the wall listening in on the people in the next room

Today, I wish they would and give me the chance to show them I’m not as slow as I used to be and almost nothing shocks me anymore. Understand that when you’ve been bullied, you learn quick wit very quickly because it’s essential for survival. I’ve known other adult survivors of school bullying and we’re the most quick-witted people in the bunch! We have to be!

With that said, realize that even in the adult world, you’re going to have people who have more nerve than a bad tooth. There will be those who will pry into your business and openly ask you personal, even embarrassing questions. You might as well prepare for it now because they’re everywhere!

Nosy dog looking at you

Nosiness can run in families and be generational

Many of these people had parents who were the same way. They had mothers and grandmothers who would tell them to watch others and report back to them. I know this because of watching Mrs. I-Spy do the same many years ago. Therefore, it’s safe to say that nosiness is a generational thing with many. About ninety percent of my classmates also came from nosy and overbearing families. So did many coworkers I’ve worked with down through the years.

And it’s these kinds of people you should blow off and wave away like that pesky little fly that keeps buzzing around your face.

Don’t get angry with them. Just shake your head and pity them. Because it’s those types who really need to get a life and often don’t have one. Or, if you’re a smart-ass like I am, take the opportunity to have a little fun with the person. Just catch it, throw it back at them and shame them with it.

And why not? They asked for it.

With knowledge comes power!

Bullying and Freedom Cannot Coexist

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Two wooden men assaulting wooden woman

Bullying and personal freedom can never coexist. Why? Because bullying is zero sum. Always. When you suffer from bullying, it’s akin to people holding you hostage. In essence, they bind and gag you. In short, they take away your personal power! And without personal power, you have no freedom.

Either you’re free to be yourself, to speak your piece and to be safe and secure, or people bully you for daring to exercise those freedoms. You either have personal power or people bully you and take away your personal power. Either you’re free to be a human being, make mistakes, and more importantly, learn from those mistakes, or people bully you for it.

They brutally punish you for making mistakes that anyone else could’ve made. Moreover, someone else more than likely would have gotten the consideration that they’re only human and that all humans make mistakes.

big bully boy grabbing a smaller boy by the collar

Bullying takes away your humanity

For targets, however, there’s no margin for error. On the other hand, if you’re fortunate enough to be on equal footing with everyone else around you, you have that luxury. people will look at you and realize that we’re all imperfect humans. Therefore, they’ll cut you some slack.

Understand that bullying dehumanizes its targets- others either see you as a human being or they don’t. Bullying will strip the target of any shred of humanity and render him sub-human in the minds of not only bullies but, in many cases, bystanders.

Moreover, this process can happen quickly, in as little time as a few months. People bully you so frequently that bystanders grow and become desensitized to it. And why not. They watch them brutalize you every day, sometimes several times per day. And the reality is that no one likes nor has any respect for a victim.

Group of girls holding up hands with letters that read, "Stop Bullying"

In your mind, you may not be a victim but a target. And that’s a good thing. However, because others see you being disrespected and beat down all the time, they will view you as a victim. And most people don’t have the critical thinking skills to know the difference.

Therefore, you must document everything that happens and document it in detail. Or you must find a way to leave the bullying environment. Otherwise, if it goes on long enough, it will take a toll on your mental health. People such as these are dispensable, your mental health isn’t. Also, move to a new school if possible. Take steps to reclaim your freedom.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What Babies Can Teach Us About Confidence

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Babies are so adorable! They have that charm and innocence that no other age group has. They don’t worry about what others think of them and they never try to impress others. These little darlings display sweetness, purity, complete authenticity, and hearts of gold.

Babies have not a care in the world what people think of them. They have no inhibitions whatsoever. They’re not afraid to cry and express their wants and needs. You can see it in the way little toddlers shamelessly coo, laugh, babble, skip, run, and dance. And they’ll do it in front of anyone. These little sweeties are fearless. They’re not afraid to show their emotions, express their thoughts, show their creativity.

Furthermore, their precious little souls are completely open. They give, share, and receive love with an open and grateful heart. They love being loved and doted on and will receive it with a soft coo or laugh.

Everything starts with self-love and babies are a perfect example of it.

Sadly, as time passes and these babies grow bigger, the ways of people and the world slowly and incrementally taint their little hearts. Many grow up in toxic environments and with parents who excessively criticize and abuse them.

Therefore, they build a protective wall around themselves to try and keep the contamination out. Because family members and others discount, ridicule, even punish them for their feelings, they learn to mask those feelings. They collect emotional baggage as they become preschoolers, school-aged kids, then teenagers, and finally, adults.

Also, many are raised by drug-addicted, mentally ill, and neglectful adults and they build walls to protect themselves from that as well. Therefore, many must learn to raise themselves.

None of us have low self-esteem and lack of confidence at birth. Either ell-meaning family members who wish to keep us humble and sweet, instill those characteristics in us or bullies and abusers force-fed them to us.

Consequently, many adults will cause a baby to grow up thinking that they are unlovable. They don’t feel they deserve to have their wants and needs met. Thus, they grow up filled with either anger and self-loathing, or sadness and depression.

Life Has Ways of Eroding That Confidence and Goodness We Were Born With.

We all go through these terrible changes, even those who aren’t bullied. Only few people in this world manage to keep that confidence and joy they were born with. Furthermore, life’s disappointments, hurts, and heartaches have ways of doing these things to all of us. However, the worse changes happen to targets of bullying and abuse.

They stop expressing emotions and give up asking for anything. Why? Because sometime during their childhoods, other people conditioned them. They conditioned them to think that they’re self-centered and wrong for ever needing or wanting anything out of life.

Therefore, they resign themselves to the attitude that, things are “just the way they are” and that there’s nothing they can do to change anything.

Consequently, when you tell them about self-love and how important it is, they wince at the idea because it makes them uncomfortable. But, again, other people program them to think that self-love is somehow self-absorbed and evil. I can relate to this because, when I was thirteen and fourteen years old, I did the exact same when I was first told about the idea of self-love and self-care.

The thought of looking at myself in the mirror every day and telling myself “I love you” or “You’re beautiful,” “You’re Smart,” “You’re awesome,” etc., felt both weird. In fact, it felt downright sickening because I was under the impression that it was all a sign of sheer vanity.

It’s Sad When People Can Successfully Condition You to Believe that Self-love is Vanity

Self-love can feel downright painful after you’ve wasted years and decades hating and degrading yourself. After all, it’s not something you’re accustomed to practicing. Anything new and out of the ordinary feels painful at first. Like all things, it must first become a habit. And it can only become habit through rigorous learning and practice.

‘You see? My bullies and a few abusive others sold me on the idea that any form of self-care or self-love was abhorrent and self-serving. I was under the misguided belief that self-degradation and self-criticism was a virtue. It was a sign of being humble and meek. Therefore, I thought that was what normal people did, as I watched a few family members do the same thing.

Some of my family members still do this at times and it breaks my heart. If only they could see, I mean, truly see their value. . In my eyes, their worth is more than that of gold.

The truth is that self-hatred is the equivalent of having a millstone hung from your neck. You drag it around everywhere you go because it’s exhausting. Therefore, it zaps your energy. It takes the magic, wonder, and excitement from your life. And it keeps you stuck and worse, invites more disrespect and abuse from others.

Self-love doesn’t equal Vanity, It equals Virtue!

Self-love can only come from within, never from without. It doesn’t come from a partner, a spouse, or a boatload of friends. It can’t come from a banging body or fancy clothes, hairdos, or makeup. Money can’t buy self-love. Power doesn’t give it to you and neither does prestige. Self-love comes from the heart and only the heart.

Additionally, self-love is about self-acceptance and being perfectly okay with your imperfections. It comes from being comfortable in your own skin and not caring even the slightest what others think or say of you.

In order to find peace and joy in life, self-love is a must-have. It helps you to achieve your goals and realize your dreams and aspirations. It determines your outcomes- whether you succeed or fail. Also, it helps you to better re-frame bad situations and see them as learning experiences. Self-esteem and self-love give you peace of mind.

In a nutshell, self-love gives you complete freedom! It is the key to happiness and joy!

Don’t you think you deserve to be at peace with yourself? Don’t you think you deserve happiness and joy? I do.

So, be like a baby. Love yourself. Know that your true colors are vibrant and never be afraid to show them. Dance like you’ve never been ridiculed. And play like you’ve never fallen and scraped your knee. Express your emotions. Love, laugh, and live.

You’ll be surprised at how everything will change for the better! I promise!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Low Self-Esteem is Taught.

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Newborn baby held in father's arms

Insecurity and a lack of confidence are not characteristics that we’re born with. They are taught! Not only by bullies or abusive family members but can also unwittingly programmed into us by caring family members who call themselves trying to teach us humbleness and humility.

These characteristics are both good virtues to have, but only in moderation. However, too much of it can cause us to suppress a little too much of ourselves and hide our own awesome personalities, talents, and gifts, which can grow into insecurity and, in worse cases, self-loathing.

a little girl hiding behind her mother's skirt

Each and every one of us is born with confidence and a heart of gold. However, over time, our environments, circumstances, and sadly, the people in our lives can slowly erode the natural confidence and goodness we were born with.

After being hurt for so long, we withdraw from others and put up a barrier to protect ourselves. We turn cold and began to harden ourselves to numb feelings of rejection and the pain that comes with it.

The Slow Erosion of Self-Esteem
Young girl bending down, covering her face with her hands, trying to protect herself from men's' fists, finger guns, and hands pointing at her.

Young girl bending down, covering her face with her hands, trying to protect herself from men’s’ fists, finger guns, and hands pointing at her. Women’s rights. Violence against women. Domestic violence.

Before long, we regard others’ feelings and suffering with indifference. In other words, we just don’t give a crap about anyone, how they feel, or what they think. Sometimes we even grow cold toward the people who love us because we have lost the ability to trust.

We no longer have any respect for others, much less ourselves. Lastly, we come to that evil place where schadenfreude takes hold of our personalities. In other words, we secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing others, especially those we despise, suffer.

We must make a conscious effort not to allow negative outside influences to make us cold and mean. Just as we take steps to protect our health, finances, property, etc., we must also take steps to protect our self-esteem. And we do that by how we allow others to treat us. We protect our self-esteem by setting boundaries and standards.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Othello’s Error: Why Targets Take the Blame

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William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) on engraving from the 1800s. English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language. Published in London by L.Tallis.

Othello’s Error often happens in police interrogation rooms and principal’s offices.

It comes from Shakespeare’s play, “Othello.”  In the play, the main character, Othello, assumes that his wife, Desdemona, is having an affair. The reason he believes this is because of her nervous response when he questions her.

In reality, Desdemona is innocent.

However, Othello  questions her in a aggressive and volatile manner. And this makes the poor wife nervous. Even worse, Othello takes her nervousness as a sign of guilt.

Sadly, his often occurs in real life.

many fingers pointed at scapegoated employee, concept of accusation

Often, targets become nervous when someone questions them aggressively. The questioner then misreads the response. taking it as a sign that the person is lying or hiding something. It’s how so many people have gotten blamed for something they didn’t do.

Just as nervousness is mistaken for deception, the show of confidence is mistaken for honesty and trustworthiness. As we all know, bullies are well-known for feigned confidence and false bravado.

Targets of bullying are always nervous, and rightfully so. Who wouldn’t be if they were constantly abused, smeared, shamed, threatened, and attacked?

Victim Blaming word cloud

People tend to rush to the first possible explanation that fits what they want to see. Should it be any wonder why people blame targets and let bullies go scot-free?

After the abuse goes on for so long, targets learn to expect more of the same. And they usually get it. In other words, the expectation of such treatment brings more of the same. As a result, the target grows more nervous with each occurrence.

As the target grows more nervous, bystanders and authorities grow more and more suspicious of him.

The fact is that nervousness has several reasons, and the mistake often occurs in the decoding of it and not the observation!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Bullies Sometimes Call You “Uppity”

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Snobby group of cliquey girls with their ringleader pointing at you

Ever wonder why bullies sometimes call you “uppity?”

First, let’s examine the word, “uppity.” Uppity means arrogant, haughty, or pompous. It’s used to describe a person who thinks they are better than everyone else. However, a bully may label you “uppity, even though it isn’t who you are.

Understand that a bully’s definition of the word goes much deeper. You must look at the context in which the term is being used. Also, look at the circumstances which prompted the bully to make such a judgement of you. What would motivate a bully to refer to you as “uppity?”

Here are 3 reasons why bullies often accuse targets of being uppity:

Woman screaming and pointing an accusing finger at you

  1. The target displays confidence.

Confidence is power. When a person is confident and knows who they are, they’re least likely to allow others to control them. This is a huge threat to the bully’s power. Therefore, bullies will give targets the “uppity” label in hopes that the target will question themselves or worse, believe it, then feel guilty for it.

If the target falls for this BS and believes it, he will automatically “tone it down.” Consequently, he will unwittingly give the bullies the green light to gradually heap on more and more abuse.

Remember that a bully’s opinion of you means nothing unless you allow it to. Never buy into it! Keep your confidence no matter what!

Marginalized man putting out hands to block the fingers that are pointed at him

  1. The target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands.

 Defiance is a huge threat to the bullies’ power. When a target refuses to comply with the bullies’ demands, mandates, or orders, he, in essence, gives the bully the middle finger. Then, he goes on doing what he wants and not what the bullies want him to do.

Ouch! This is painful to bullies. Why? Because, if the target doesn’t comply, then others just might feel emboldened not to comply. Defiance has a way of spreading and, once it spreads, the bully loses power. Bullies know this and, therefore, double down by labelling the target as uppity (among other labels).

Kids fighting with the quote, "Never fight until you have to. But when it's time to fight, you fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark... and brother, it's startin' to rain."

  1. The target defends himself.

When the target stands up for himself, this is also a threat to the bullies’ power. Why? Because the target just might put them in their place and make them look like punks. Therefore, the target takes back his power, leaving the bullies looking slack jawed and stupid. As a result, some bullies will retaliate to reinforce their dominance.

Therefore, you must keep your power. Resist the urge to comply. Push back when bullies attempt to abuse you. They may retaliate, but in you dig your heels in and continue to stand your ground, you keep your personal power, and with it, your self-esteem.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What is That Coveted Je Ne Sais Quoi?

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Charming older woman smiling

What is that Coveted je ne sais quoi? Je Ne Sais Quoi is French, and it means, “I don’t know what.” The term is used to describe a special but indescribable characteristic that someone has – a characteristic that is hard to name. It’s that unnamable characteristic that attracts people, especially suitors, and puts them under the person’s spell.

When someone has a certain je ne sais quoi, people will usually say things like, “There’s just something about him/her.” Someone who falls in love will often use that phrase when those outside the relationship can’t understand what the love-stricken individual sees in the person they’re in love with.

Some people were born with this mysterious allure and come by it naturally. These lucky people seem to attract people easily and effortlessly. Others, like most bullying targets, were not blessed with it and have great difficulty making friends. Shy people and those on the autism spectrum tend to have the most difficulty in this arena.

can this je ne sais quoi be taught?

Businessman schmoozing colleagues at a social gathering

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying and you’re having difficulty making friends or finding love, the secret to getting that je ne sais quoi is to understand exactly what it is. Thankfully, it is something you can learn, and, once you learn it, you can use it to your advantage.

So, what is it exactly?

Simple. It’s social intelligence, which is a combination of confidence, charm, and charisma, or The Three C’s. The most precious thing in the universe isn’t money. It isn’t gold or silver. It’s these three traits because they set you on a path of success in every aspect of your life. However, to have the three C’s, you must first have healthy self-esteem.

Sadly, many targets of bullying don’t realize this. They want these traits so badly but don’t have the self-esteem to back them up.

As a result, they live a lonely and unsuccessful life. They secretly resent those who have that je ne sais quoi as they sit on the sidelines and watch them have a blessed life. Also, they may resent God for not blessing them with it, which only makes things worse.

man with confidence

Healthy Self-Esteem always comes before je ne sais quoi

Moreover, when a young target asks an adult how to learn that certain something that attracts people, the adult may only laugh them off and tell them,

“That’s something that can’t be taught. It’s something you’re born with. You either have it or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re just shit out of luck.”

Adults give them those types of hurtful responses because either they themselves don’t know, or they do know but would never tell them for obvious reasons. Consequently, young targets believe the lies and stop trying – at everything. They stop trying to make friends and move up in the world.

The resulting mentality becomes this: “Why do all that work if it isn’t going to get me anywhere? I’d only be spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.”

As a result, these people accumulate long strings of failed friendships and relationships and jump from job to job. Also, they run around with ne’er do wells. In short, they relax their standards and become content to cruise through life without extending any effort. Many targets end up on welfare and public housing and it’s because their self-esteem is shot to hell.

man holding a card that reads, "Low Self-Esteem"

Therefore, I often stress doing everything you can to salvage your self-esteem because, again, in order to have charm and charisma, you must first have a healthy self-esteem. Thankfully, you can also learn this. I repeat, no matter what others have told you, social intelligence can be taught and you can go from anti-social to social ninja in just a few years.

Here are a few things you can do to raise your self-esteem and with it, your je ne sais quoi:
  1. Smile! And by smile, I mean do it authentically. A real, genuine smile is one complete with the crinkles around the outer corners of the eyes. If there are no crinkles around the eyes, the smile is fake.
  2. When you’re talking to a person, say their name. According to Dale Carnegie’s book, entitled, “How to Make Friends and Influence People,” a person’s name is music to their ears. Saying their name when you speak to them just makes them feel that having a conversation with you is all the better.
  3. Engage in small talk. Never talk about anything deep. Great small talk conversations discuss topics such as the weather, sports, movies, music, and current events (just don’t go to deep on the current events).
  4. Realize that it’s not about you. One thing I want you to know right now. People care more about themselves and their lives than they do about you. It’s just the reality of human nature. Therefore, become interested in other people and their lives. People always love someone who’s interested in them.

Confident man reach out to shake your hand

Start with doing the above practices and don’t be afraid to learn new tricks. And realize that you will probably need to fake it, at first- fake it until you make it! It’s what I had to do. However, I discovered that when you act confident, you will soon feel confident. And when you feel confident, the fake becomes real.

Practice these things and you will soon be able to raise your je ne sais quoi and draw people to you. And once you do that, you might even be able to schmooze like a pro!

With knowledge comes empowerment!