Category: abuse

4 Reasons Bystanders Refuse to Help Targets: The Cold, Hard Truth

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bystander effect

You not only never forget the bullies, but you also remember the people who were there- the people who had the power to help you but did nothing. Many times, the bystanders who saw it never tried to intervene and stop the attacks, nor did they speak up on my behalf.

As much as I hate to say it, I was guilty of the same thing. When I watched a few others get bullied, I said and did nothing, thinking that my voice wouldn’t make a difference if I did speak up. Other times, I was just damn glad that, for a change, I wasn’t the one targeted and that it was someone else taking heat for a change.

For this, I am very remorseful and would like to apologize to all the other targets I left to fend for themselves. I’m truly sorry.

Bullying Poster Concept Illustration bystanders

Here are the reasons bystanders do nothing to help a target of bullying:

1. They’re afraid of arousing the bullies’ anger and becoming the next target. No one wants to be a target of bullying. I get that. Many bystanders fear getting involved, and for good reasons. However, many bystanders do have some power because they’re high on the social hierarchy.

And the higher you are in the pecking order, the more weight your actions and words carry. So, why not use your power to help the target? Because if you’re extremely popular, the chances are that other bystanders will follow your lead and join you, and the bully will leave the victim alone. There’s strength in numbers.

2. The bystanders see the bullies’ torment of the target as entertainment. Bullies always bully in front of an audience to humiliate the target. During altercations between bullies and targets, bystanders immediately gather around to watch it go down.

Most bystanders then stand around, laughing and pointing fingers. Many of them cheer and egg the bully on, stirring it up to get more entertainment, all of which only encourages the bully to continue and even escalate the abuse.

As long as it isn’t them getting dogged out or having their brains beat in, most bystanders think it’s funny to see it happen to someone else.

Silhouette of two hands with smartphones, shoot a video on a sinking person’s hand, asking for help. The concept of a selfish society, a social problem

It’s the reason that instead of helping the target, bystanders will automatically whip out their smartphones and record the confrontation. They can then watch it later, send the film to their friends, and have another big laugh over it.

But! It’s not the least bit funny to the target. It’s painful and humiliating. It can be devastating to a victim who has already been a target of bullying for an extended time and can drive them over the edge.

3. The bystanders themselves either dislike or hate the target. In many cases, bullies have run vicious smear campaigns and turned everyone against their victims. When an altercation finally breaks out, the bystanders refuse to help the target because they think she deserves the abuse. Many times, these bystanders secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing the target suffer.

They may stand around snickering or join the bullies in tormenting the target. Often, the bullies are only doing to the victim what many bystanders wish they had the stones to do themselves. So, they get complete satisfaction in seeing someone else attack the target. Bystanders often hate the victim so much that they would defend a total stranger before protecting the victim they hate so intensely.

4. They don’t want to get involved. Many bystanders figure that it’s none of their business and choose not to get involved. These bystanders are so indifferent that they won’t even stop and watch. They will only pass by and keep going. They don’t care. Period.

Understand that bullies always perform in front of an audience to show their superiority, strength, and power. Bystanders who do nothing to stop the attacks only silently support and encourage the bullies. These bystanders are just as guilty as the psycho bullies who perpetuate the attacks.

Often, bystanders either don’t understand or underestimate the power they have, especially in large numbers. When witnesses speak up for the target, the bullies will likely stop and leave the victim.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Step-by-Step Description of Mobbing in Progress

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Mobbing is THE severest form of bullying. Once the bullying reaches the stage of mobbing, this is when the bullying becomes life-threatening! And if you’ve ever been a target of it, you know firsthand how destructive it is.

The reason that mobbing is so hard to remedy is that not only has it already rendered us so distraught that we’re unable to think clearly, but we aren’t able to name, describe, nor communicate the steps bullies take to destroy us.

A successful smear campaign is started by a bully or bullies who are well-practiced in the arts of persuasion and influence and can last for years.

Here’s something I want you to realize. A smear campaign is nowhere near as tricky as it looks. You’d be amazed at just how simple it is to smear someone. It’s so easy that it shouldn’t be so effective, but it is!

To quote the old Geico commercial, it’s “so easy; a caveman can do it.”

Here’s a chronological, step-by-step recap of how bullies do it and succeed at it:

1. The bullies have a dislike for a specific individual who refuses to conform to their standard of who she should be.

Now all this time, the bullies have been able to influence everyone else and get them to submit to their will and every whim. Then, low and behold, along comes the target (we’ll call her “Cindy”) who’s stubborn and either unable to or won’t submit to the bullies’ control and allow them to change her personality into what they think it should be.

And Cindy may not realize the bullies’ motives and that just by doing her thing, she’s enraging the bullies. So, she goes on about her business, makes plans for her future, makes achievement after achievement, and maybe she gets loads of positive attention and praise from others because she’s so successful and well-liked.

2. Next, the bullies begin to smear Cindy. To implement their smear campaign, they watch Cindy, studying her behavior carefully until they’re able to anticipate her reactions.

3. The bullies then train their audience (i.e., the other classmates or coworkers to expect a specific type of behavior out of Cindy. They point out these behaviors when they occur. The bullies then associate Cindy’s completely innocent behavior with something bad or evil.

For example, let’s say that Cindy is sweet, playful, and likes to engage in a little banter. The bullies watch as Cindy banters with people in the school or workplace. She playfully calls someone a “dummy” or a “goofball,” but others know that it’s all for harmless jokes and think it’s funny because Cindy is a genuinely kind person.

4. So, the bullies begin making offhand comments. They remark that Cindy’s kindness is only an attempt to kiss ass because she wants something from people and that she thinks the people around her really are dummies, but only disguises it under a veil of fun jokes and playfulness.

The bullies also make statements that Cindy thinks she’s cute and that Cindy thinks she’s smarter than everyone else. Then repeat, repeat, repeat!

To quote a propaganda minister to a well-known dictator in history, “Tell a lie once, and it remains a lie. Tell a lie a thousand times, and it becomes the truth.”

5. The next time others see Cindy being kind to and playfully bantering with someone, she doesn’t look so cute, and the banter isn’t so funny anymore. Now people see a side of Cindy they can’t believe they never noticed before.

6. Now feeling smug with gratification, the bullies look at themselves, then at Cindy with smirks on their crooked faces and try the same thing all over again.

7. And before you know it, everyone wonders what they ever saw in Cindy, to begin with. They start having negative feelings toward the poor girl.

8. Cindy begins to pick up on the negative vibes around her and withdraws a little. She doesn’t speak to people as much as she did and doesn’t understand what she did or said to bring it all about. The bullies notice that Cindy is more distant than usual, and they point this out to everyone.

“Hey, look! Do you see that? Now, what did we tell you? Cindy really does think we’re all dummies! She really does think she’s smarter than the rest of us!”

“And her ass-kissing (Cindy’s sweet disposition) didn’t work, so now she’s too good to speak to anyone!”

9. Cindy’s withdrawal only inflames everyone’s feelings of dislike and resentment. Although her becoming distant is only out of self-protection, others mistake it for smugness and arrogance.

10. And it only snowballs from there, getting worse and worse over time. Understand that people are human, and they make mistakes. They misjudge innocent others all the time.

And when bullies condition the whole of a group, school, organization, workplace, or community to see any quality in a particular person as a bad thing, a smear campaign is most effective. So everyone, even those who aren’t bullies and are otherwise kind and compassionate, can become extremely cold and cruel to a target. And everyone repeats the same cruelty, over and over again.

Understand that smear campaigns are just too effective because they can quickly become bullying, then escalate to mobbing, which is the most severe kind of bullying. And once it increases to mobbing, it’s unstoppable, and the only way you can take your life back is to leave that toxic, poisonous environment altogether.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Ways Bullying Stunts a Target’s Social Development

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Although social intelligence won’t necessarily keep you from becoming a target of bullying, it will most certainly lessen your chances of it.

Social intelligence always has and always will supersede book-smarts. It will get you much further than college degrees, awards, and credentials alone. It is the reason high school dropouts have become millionaires. It is also why many college graduates have ended up flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Social intelligence is THE most important quality you can have. It’s the highest paid skill and most important asset in the entire universe.

For many years- even back during the eighties, when I was in school, people thought that it was the one skill that could never be taught. It was thought that you were either born with it, or you weren’t and if you weren’t, it was something that you had to accept and deal with. Thankfully, we now know differently.

Sadly, if you’re a target of bullying, the abuse you suffer can batter your self-esteem into oblivion and, as a result, you withdraw from the rest of the world. When you’ve been bullied for so long, you because deathly afraid of other people and come to believe that you’re inferior to everyone else- afraid to talk, afraid to mix and mingle, afraid of any social situations.

You retreat into yourself and live inside your own head. You create a fantasy world, where you feel safe, wanted, and loved- a world of imaginary people who accept you. As a result, you shut out the “real world” and live in this fantasy world- this safe haven you’ve created.

This is not good because, when this happens, you stop watching people and the world around you and you stop learning the social graces and nuances that you need to know in order to create a good life for yourself and nurture relationships. Before you know it, you become socially awkward- you become too quiet, shy, and reserved.

You look right through people instead of smiling and saying hello. You become sullen and spaced out instead of happy, upbeat, and engaging. You feel numb instead of the emotions you should feel at different times.

In short, it stunts your social development!

This is why it’s so important that you make a conscious effort to save your self-esteem. You do this by keeping your heart open, meeting new people and making friends- created positive interactions and experiences outside the bullying environment and away from your bullies (or anyone else who knows you from the toxic bullying environment. Do what you must do to keep your self-esteem intact and continue to grow your social intelligence.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

You Have Nothing to Be Sorry About

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Don’t apologize for being who you are. You’re just the way God made you.

Don’t be sorry for being a woman, a man, your race, nor having brown hair, blonde hair, blue or brown eyes. For those are the things that make you you. Be happy and secure with it.

Don’t apologize for being a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, nor for holding certain values- for valuing your god and family. For those are the things you hold dear.

Refuse to be sorry for wrongdoings committed by others. You cannot control others’ actions, nor should you be expected to pay for their sins. That is between them and God, and they’ll be judged for it one day.

You’re not responsible for any sins other than your own.

Too many people self-loathe and feel guilty for things they haven’t done, which only strips away their happiness and peace of mind. And if you allow others to heap false guilt on your head unjustly, what do you think they will do next?

Take charge of your happiness and your life. And know that anyone who tries to force you to feel something you shouldn’t feel or do something that is either degrading to you or that you don’t want to do, you should have no more to do with them.

Continue to love yourself. Apologize only for what you’re guilty of and to the person you transgressed against. And if that person doesn’t accept your apology, that’s on them, and you should love yourself enough to get on with it.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

7 Types of People Bullies Pick for Targets

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Have you noticed that bullies always seen to pick the same types of people to target with their bullying? Bullies pick good people, smart people, people who are creative and seem to be going places. Here are the characteristics of a typical person bullies like to select to be their punching bags:

1. Bullies like to make targets out of people who take responsibility for their lives. Targets tend to be good people who follow rules and laws. They understand that rules and laws are in place for a reason- to ensure a safe community and society.

Most targets do not go around blaming others for their actions and behavior. More often than not, targets blame themselves and try to correct their mistakes when they make them. Bullies see this and they see these people as easy to manipulate and make feel guilty for their (the bullies’) rotten behavior.

Because these people tend to blame themselves, bullies will blame these people even though it’s the bullies who have the issues and not their targets. Over time, bullies can condition targets to accept blame for things they have no control over, such as another person’s behavior.

School boy angel with wings and halo concept for being clever, good, success in education or smug

2. Bullies pick people who are goal oriented. Most targets of bullying work hard, are goal-oriented and have a truckload of self-discipline. They know that if you want anything in life, you have to work for it. Therefore, targets work like the devil to reach their goals and dreams and they have the utmost perseverance and endurance, which are characteristics that most bullies lack.

This is why many targets mistakenly stay in toxic work environments until they end up with a psychological injury from all the bullying they endure. Bullies select these people to bully because their good traits only reflect back to the bullies their own laziness, inadequacy, and lack of purpose. Bullies see these people as threats, because bullies lack self-discipline, and their relationships are usually superficial, one-sided, and short lived. And they will pull out all the stops to contain the threats.

Bullies will exploit these people’s perseverance by establishing one-sided friendships, partnerships, and romances with them. They then use the push and pull method- going hot and cold, making empty promises and love bombing the person. Bullies do this to make them hold onto the hope that just maybe the bully will give them what they’ve been wanting- acceptance, approval, attention, and praise.

But the truth is that no matter how much the person tries to better the relationship, the bullies will never be satisfied and will always find fault with him/her. Understand that one person can never sustain a relationship. It takes effort from both people!

3. Most targets of bullying are Empaths. Most targets of bullying are exceptionally empathetic people who like to help humanity. They strive for self-betterment, to empower others, and make a positive difference in the world.

This is a threat to bullies because, again, these are threats to bullies and only reflect back at them their self-centered, attention grabbing, and flawed personalities. In short, empaths force bullies to see themselves for who they truly are, and bullies will go all out to make them pay for it.

Also, bullies are masters at gaining sympathy from others. Therefore, they target people with empathy because they assume that they are the perfect to elicit sympathy from. How bullies extract sympathy from empaths is by pretending to be the real victims.

In the minds of the bullies, the target is supposed to feel terrible for them because they’ve had such a tough life. And because they (the bullies) have had it so rough, it’s why they behave like they do. So, the target is made to feel that he/she should just accept the abuse.

Understand that this is a load of bologna and it’s no excuse for being a total heel to people and treating them like garbage.

Also, empaths have difficulty setting boundaries and bullies take full advantage of it. They usually retaliate viciously when the empath finally gets tired of their crap and puts their foot down.

4. Most targets of bullying are people who make plans and think ahead. Because these people plan carefully and think ahead, they have goals and dreams that come to fruition and relationships that are solid and long lasting. Bullies are highly jealous of this and they seek these people deliberately just to tear them down.

 5. Bullies usually pick people whose communication skills need improvement. If a person’s communication skills are lacking, they will most likely suffer in silence when people violate their boundaries. Bullies rely on the target’s silence so that they can continue to bully the target and cover up their appalling behavior.

 6. Bullies select people who are givers and not takers. They love to target people who are people-pleasers and reluctant to ask for help and they select them because they see these people as easy to use and degrade. Because these people have a hard time establishing their boundaries, bullies will violate them at will and to achieve their own sick ends. Understand that bullies are takers and never givers!

 7. People who are smart. Intelligence is a huge threat to bullies. Why? Because a smart person will more than likely see through the bullies’ fake facades and call them out publicly on it. Also, just their intelligence alone can serve as a mirror and force the bullies to see their own lack of smarts and make them feel inferior. And they will seek to punish the target for that.

Why do you think kids who are smart, make straight A’s and high marks in school, and win awards are usually the ones bullied the worst? It’s because they only reflect back to the bullies their own stupidity and lack of intelligence and make them feel less than.

In order to win back your confidence and self-esteem, you must first learn the mindsets of bullies and what insecurities they have hidden inside them that cause them to bully you. Only then will you have the endurance to withstand their attacks and the confidence to counter them and defend yourself.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Number One Reason It’s So Difficult for Targets to Open Up About the Bullying They Suffer

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It’s because they can’t name what’s happening to them. Sure, they can feel it and see it, but they can’t put an actual name on it because they don’t know the names of the tactics and how to describe what’s happening.

Let’s delve deeper.

Being able to put a name on the abusive tactics takes a lot of research and study on abuse in general, because bullying is abuse and abuse is bullying. Why? Because it involves a power imbalance and repeated behavior.

The reason why we should know the names of the tactics used is because, when you can’t put a label on it, it’s much harder to explain to others. And when you can’t name something, you tend to ramble. And because you ramble about it, people are less likely to believe you when you speak out.

I can’t think of anything more frustrating than to feel and to know with every fiber of your being that something is happening and not be able to name it. It’s as if you have an invisible gag over your mouth and that some higher force is trying to silence you and protect your bullies and abusers.

It’s the most frustrating and downright infuriating thing in the world!

I’ll use the term “gaslighting,” for instance.

Years ago, when people were gaslighting me, I didn’t know the proper name for those incessant emotional manipulations they were inflicting. I didn’t know it was called gaslighting. All I knew was that it felt horrible and left me feeling that, somehow, I was always in the wrong. However, I didn’t know how to fix it because I didn’t know what was broken.

Yet, in the innermost parts of my soul, I knew differently, but, because I didn’t know the name and couldn’t put a name to it, I couldn’t describe what was happening to me and, therefore, it was much harder to speak out about it without rambling and looking crazy.

Also, the bullies were always vague about everything. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve figured out that their vagueness was only another tactic to keep me confused and off balance, but I’ll save this for another post.

With that said, it’s important that you read, study, and research everything you can about bullying and abuse. Find out and study the key terms for each tactic. Learn them. In fact, learn all you can, because, when you know the names as well as the descriptions of each tactic,  you will not only be able to effectively speak out about the bullying and abuse you suffer, but even better, you will be able to more effectively counter the abuse.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Truth is Uncomfortable and Inconvenient to Bullies and Their Followers

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They not concerned with facts, only the excitement that the rumors and lies create and the close bonding it brings their group.

Understand that your bullies already know the truth. Oh, yes! They know that you aren’t what they say you are. And they know that they’re lying through their teeth. That’s the sad part.

Bullies know that you’re better than what they try to make you out to be. But, here’s the thing.

The truth doesn’t fit their narratives, nor their agenda. So, they’ll go out of their way to make the falsehoods look true. Realize that the bullies are benefiting from the ruination of your reputation. And they’ll move Heaven and Earth to keep those benefits.

Your bullies are the ones that have to work so doggone hard because it takes a ton of work to cover up lies and half-truths. Lies tend to have a never-ending chain. They tell the first lie and have to put out a second lie to cover up the first. Then they must lie a third time to cover up the first two lies about you. And on and on it goes. It’s a never-ending chain.

Lies have a way of building and they build so much that it soon becomes hard for the bullies to keep their stories straight. I mean, seriously! After so long and so many lies, who can keep up with all that? They eventually lie themselves into a crack they can’t pull themselves out of.

If you stay calm and play your hand correctly, your bullies will eventually spin themselves into their own web and get stuck in it. So, sit back and watch them fall into the trap of their own making. Even better have lots of pun- oops- fun watching the show.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Roots of Insecurity

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The words we hear from others can affect how we see ourselves, but they don’t have to if we don’t let them.

Targets of bullying are picked apart daily in every minute detail, and in every aspect of their existences. A bully may criticize something as minute as the way they write. Bullies may criticize a woman for sitting with her legs crossed or the way she applies her makeup. But I guarantee that it has nothing with the way the woman sits or puts on her cosmetics, it has everything to do with the bullies’ own insecurities that are buried within themselves.

In reality, the bullies may think the woman is awesome and their criticism could be taken as a compliment because the bullies know they can’t compete with her and certainly don’t deserve the time of day from her because they know they aren’t even on her level, so, they do whatever they can to tear her down and bring her to their level.

However, the criticism surely doesn’t feel like a compliment and can make you feel like crap, so, I’m very careful when I use my words here. Insecure bullies and abusers will say terrible things to us and they can stick with us if we’re not careful.

“You’re ugly!”

“You’re fat!”

“Your clothes look like hand-me-downs!”

“Your hair looks too straight!”

“Your nose is too long!”

“Your ears are too big!”

“Nobody likes you!”

“You don’t have any friends!”

This doesn’t mean what they say is true, but so many times, we let the words of bullies get into our heads. When bullies assault us with hurtful words, targets often sit and wonder:

“Why don’t they like me?”

“Why am I not good enough?”

“Am I too fat?”

“Am I too short?”

“Am I too weird?”

“Is it my makeup, my hairdo, or my clothes?”

And they do it regardless of whether what was said to them is true.

Understand that our insecurities will scream at us from time to time but if we chose to listen to those pesky little voices, which are most often only voices from past abusers, it only serves to damage our self-confidence and self-esteem. Granted, there will be times when you will question yourself and this is perfectly normal. But when you make it a habit, then it becomes a problem.

There will also always be someone prettier, better looking, smarter, or financially better off. That’s just life. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything going for you because you do but again, there will always be someone with more.

Therefore, never compare yourself to another person because you do yourself more harm than good. Realize that each one of us is blessed with great qualities, although some may not know what they are.

Insecurity is a tricky animal because it has a way of hiding in obscurity. Sometimes, we don’t even know we have it. Bullies are such people. Most bullies are bogged down with insecurities, which is why they always point out the shortcomings of others in attempts to hide their own and the self-esteem fix they get from it is only short lived. Then bullies will only come back for more.

Another reason why insecurity is so tricky is because the insecure person not only doesn’t realize it exists, but they also don’t know when they became insecure nor what caused the insecurity.

We aren’t born with insecurities. They are given to us by other people, those who unfairly criticized you during your early years. Maybe someone called you stupid, or ugly. Maybe someone told you that you didn’t look good enough or, weren’t smart enough to pass that class.

Maybe you had an abusive parent or family member who told you that you would never amount to anything. Maybe your dad left and never cared to spend any time with you. It could be that you had an older sibling who bullied you. Maybe your classmates repeatedly told you that you weren’t good enough and never would be. Maybe others trivialized your successes and told you that they didn’t matter. They stem from many different factors.

Nevertheless, there had to be that first person who berated you- that person who planted that seed of insecurity and they repeated the same behavior and nurtured that seed so that it would grow. Maybe others helped to grow that seed and it’s only festered inside of you. And that seed has negatively affected your relationships with others and continues to do so today.

But understand that we all have flaws and the best way to get comfortable with them is to own them and accept that you have them. You might as well get comfortable with your flaws if they’re things you can’t do anything about. Also, once you embrace your flaws, no one can hold them against you any longer. By accepting and embracing your flaws, you take back your personal power and squash any power that bullies ever had over you because the insecurity ceases to be.

Many bullies have also been victims of others. This is the reason they try to break your confidence, only bullies refuse to have that discussion because it would only cast them as being vulnerable. Also, bullies never took the time to acknowledge and heal their own hurts and insecurities.

Therefore, bullies will tear you down with their actions and words because they feel either inferior to or threatened by you.

Once and for all, I want you to understand that there will be that partner who tells you that you dress like a floozy even though you dressed the same when your partner met you and you actually dress rather conservatively. There will be classmates who criticize your laugh or your smile. There will be people who flat out tell you to shut up when you speak even if the words you speak make sense.

The criticisms that hurt us the most and have the potential to destroy us come from spouses, family, and friends- people we love and trust the most. It is those remarks that can do the most damage because these are the people who are supposed to love us, take care of us, and protect us. And we believe they do. We believe they only want what’s best for us so we attempt to modify and change who we are to satisfy them and gain their love and approval. And the more they berate us, the more we shape-shift, trying to attain that allusive approval, until we twist ourselves into a pretzel!

It amazes me how many broken children there are out there who don’t yet understand that there was never anything wrong with them. These children become bullies and grow up to be angry and bitter adults who will only spread their toxicity to others.

It’s much easier to make others feel small than to deal with what others have done to us. I was broken for a lot of years, brainwashed into thinking I wasn’t worthy of being treated well. I always thought I was vermin compared to others because that’s what I’d been told repeatedly by others.

It took me a 2 ½ decades to realize that there was nothing wrong with me and that none of the bullying, abuse, and torment people subjected me to was ever my fault. I was not defected, and I was never a bad person. In fact, I now realize that I’m an awesome person and if people who don’t know me choose to judge me and have issues with me, it’s their problem not mine.

And I hope and pray they get their mental stuff together before it’s too late because it takes someone who lives a miserable existence to go through life making other people feel like dog shit to feel superior.

Insecurity is a seed that plants itself deeply, which is why it can be difficult to deal with. But in order to heal, you must cut out the roots of it too.

And if you don’t take the time needed to deal with and heal it, you will continue to carry the insecurities that someone else gave you and they will affect the way you handle people and your future relationships- every one of them, whether they’re romantic, friendships, or family.

Realize that the insecurities you have were caused by other people who wanted to look and feel better and more powerful than you. They saw a good quality in you that threatened to overshadow them somehow. So, they went on a mission to tear you down to keep you from stealing their spotlight.

Always remember that the bullying and abuse was never about you, it was about them. It was about their fear of you overshadowing them. It was about their being afraid that you’d reach success and leave them in the dust. It was about something they saw in you that threatened their fragile egos.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying is Patterned and Predictable

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This is great news for targets and here’s why. Once you figure out the pattern, you become harder for bullies to bully. You are also able to better predict, with amazing accuracy, what your bullies will do next and after almost every given scenario.

For example, you instinctively know that once you report bullying, the bullying will escalate. You’ll also be able to recognize when the bullying becomes a pattern and you’ll begin saving any incendiary emails, messages, texts. You’ll begin taking screenshots of bullies’ comments on social media and you’ll begin documenting incidences in detail.

You will quietly gather your evidence, being sure to save everything, making multiple copies on multiple flash drives and keeping each of them in different locations.

Depending on the laws in your area, you will begin wearing discrete body cameras or keeping a digital audio recorder to get the bullying incidents recorded and making copies of those recordings as well.

You’ll also be able to stay one step ahead of your bullies by taking pictures of all completed work and making copies of important papers and receipts to keep in your CYA file at work or at school. You can make copies of your homework in case your bullies steal it to sabotage you and get you in trouble with school staff.

Again, bullying behavior and tactics are patterned and predictable. And the reason they are so is because they are both universal and timeless.

The behavior and tactics they use is nothing new. It’s the same worn-out crap that has been used since the beginning of time and the reason we haven’t wised up to it is because we’ve ignored it.

And when you ignore or overlook something, you don’t pay attention to it, and you aren’t observant of it. To see the pattern of bullying, you must be observant of it without paying attention to the bullies themselves.

Also, we haven’t considered bullying an important enough issue, and the reason we haven’t taken it seriously is because, for centuries, we considered a normal part of human behavior and were under the assumption that it happened to everybody, or it built character.

Yes, bullying is a dark part of human behavior, but so is murder, yet we don’t overlook it.

The best way to battle bullying is to teach targets confidence and how to recognize when normal teasing is beginning to morph into bullying. We must also teach them how to protect themselves from bullying and how to quietly expose bullying when it happens to them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

“My Give-A-Dam is Busted!”

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If you are a target of bullying, there are times when you get fed up with people’s crap. Then…BOOM! You snap on some creep who pushed you over your limit. Believe me, I understand and if this has happened with you, I cannot fault you for it. I empathize with you wholeheartedly.

It’s not that you want to fight. In fact, you hate fighting- intensely. However, if you’re a 5’4”, 120 lb. teenage girl with a target on her back, what do you do? Stand there and let them jump you?

Like most targets, I too hated to fight but there were times I didn’t have a choice. It was either fight or be beaten within an inch of my life. Not only the girls would try to jump me, but the guys would too and most of those redneck brutes had no qualms nor reservations about beating up on a female, even one who was little. Some of the bullies at Oakley High threatened with a knife or a box-cutter and it’s amazing I got out of there alive.

But that’s what bullying does to people if they don’t have the proper psychological tools, confidence, or know-how to deal with it. It makes them paranoid, makes them desperate, puts them in survival mode! In other (and more scientific) words, it awakens their primal instincts. It rewires their brains in preparation for a hostile environment.

A target of bullying must live in constant vigil and adrenaline. They must always be on alert- they must grow eyes in the back of their heads and be prepared for danger every time they turn a corner. That gets both frustrating and exhausting after so long.

I cannot count the times in school I showed my booty to people after having taken all I could take. And there were times I didn’t just let off a little stream, I blew a gasket!

The longer you are bullied, the more it builds- the sense of injustice, the sadness, the rage. It all piles up. We are all human and no one can hold that crap inside forever it doesn’t matter how resilient they are. It’s humanly impossible.

You’re like a bottle of soda that’s been shaken up until it finally spews.

Like a dormant volcano that finally awakens, you erupt when that last (and unfortunate) creep sticks as much as a toe over your boundaries. Some people, you scare half to death, others, you piss off even more and make twice as determined to get you, and few see your tirade as personal entertainment.

I did that a few times back when I was being bullied and abused at school.

There were times I’d yell, curse the bullies out, throw stuff, and slam doors. I would tell people to get the eff away from me and not to come back around. I admit it. I showed the worst sides of myself on a few occasions.

I remember grabbing one girl by the hair and beating the living snot out of her in the library after she’d spent the last month getting in my face and taunting during the last class of the day.

Another bully received the business end of a fist after attempting to shove me down a flight of stairs. I remember running back up the stairs, whacking her upside the head with a fist, a second time with my purse, then a textbook. The next thing I remember is dragging her down the stairs. She seemed to hit and bounce off every step going down.

Once I got her to the bottom, I beat and kicked her until a teacher and three other students pried me off her. These were only two of the many incidents that occurred during those years.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not something I’m proud of. Each time, I remember feeling terrible about it after it was over, and everything had cooled off. No decent person wants to lose their cool and act a fool, but when you been pushed and pushed, there is an eventual breaking point.

Yes, I got into fist fights. I won some fights but lost a few too.

Sadly, it all seemed to be a cycle. After getting bullied and bullied for several months, I’d snap. Some of the tiredness bled over into my home life. Sadly, when bullies have worn you down, you’re too exhausted to even be there for the people you love when they have problems too. You’re fresh out of patience and energy, and yes, even love.

You can’t pour from an empty cup and as a result, you just don’t give a crap- about anything or anybody. All you want is to be left alone.

I look back now and realize that I didn’t handle the bullying the right way. Understand that if you don’t set healthy boundaries, this is what can happen.

Today, I’m a much calmer and happier person than I used to be. Why? Because I’m more assertive and I set boundaries. If I say no or ask someone to please stop doing something when they violate my boundaries, and they insist on continuing the behavior, I either tell them to leave right then, or I walk away after telling the person exactly what I think of them. I then cut them out of my life.

I have learned that, although you cannot control another person’s behavior, you do have control over your own and whether to continue having them in your life. And if you refuse to associate with a person, they no longer have easy access to you. Therefore, it’s not nearly as easy for them to get to you and harm you.

So, never allow people to bully you and get out of control with their abuse. Speak out when people violate your boundaries. It’s the only way to keep the pressure from building and reaching a boiling point.

If this has been your experience, feel free to comment.

The Persistence of Bullies: They Will Not Be Deterred

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In movies and television, we see scenarios where targets stand up to bullies and automatically either get left alone or become friends with their former tormentors. However, in most cases, this is not reality. Remember that bullies are relentless.

Here are the tactics bullies use when a target stands up for themselves:

If you are a target, you must realize that bullies will not relinquish their power so easily. They will not be good sports and hand your human rights back over to you, nor will they bow out of your life gracefully. Bullies have an insatiable need to wield power over another, and without that power, they feel lost.

Why? Because bullies have no redeemable qualities and they’re losers in life. And since they can’t get power by their own merit, the only way left to get it is by ruining someone else’s life.

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Make no mistake about it. When you kick unsavory people out of your life, they will do the following:

1. They will gaslight you- by adding their spin to make you look and feel like the villain and maligning you to others to destroy your good name and credibility.

2. They will lay guilt trips- by trying to convince you that you are at fault or that the abuse is your imagination. Bullies are masters at this, especially female bullies who use feminine charm to deceive bystanders and authority figures.

3. They may recruit followers and start a smear campaign- by recruiting followers to spread rumors and lies. They will also try to turn your friends against you. It happened to me many times and it would come as retaliation for my having the gall to stand up to them and assert my God-given, divine right not to be abused or taken advantage of.

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4. They will turn your friends against you- Females, although becoming more and more physically violent with time, commit much of their bullying by Dividing and Conquering- attacking the targets’ relationships to turn everyone against the target to isolate them. Think about it. The chances are that your friends know your deepest, darkest secrets. They would know the most intimate details about your life. Friends are a GOLDMINE of information to bullies.

5. They will project their shortcomings onto you– Bullies have flaws and their greatest fear is having them exposed. What better way to keep their imperfections hidden than to either project them onto the target?

6. They will distract others’ attention away from their flaws by pointing out yours– What better way is there to hide their own shortcomings than putting the spotlight on yours? It shouldn’t be so easy but it is!

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If bullies can’t control you, they will control how others see you.

They use the above strategies not only to cover their backsides and to punish you for daring to grow a spine and defend yourself, but also to close you off from any possible help or protection.

Once the target is isolated, the bullies move in for the kill. Now, they can do with you whatever they choose to do, freely and with impunity because if everyone is against you, the least likely they are to report or stop the abuse. In the minds of others, you deserve what’s happening to you.

Bullies want to, figuratively, hold the target hostage, and they will resort to any means necessary to keep him/her on emotional lock down and “in their place.”

They will do it with physical violence when exclusion, subtle digs, verbal assaults, gaslighting, and other forms of psychological abuse no longer have an impact. Bullies will commit their violence either by committing bodily harm themselves or sending someone else to do their savagery for them.

This does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself because you should. However, when you do, be prepared. The torment will get worse before it gets better. Be strong. Be brave and know that none of it is your fault.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Naivete is Your Worst Enemy When You’re a Target of Bullying

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We all have been naïve at some point in our lives. But over time, we grow, we accumulate lessons learned and life experiences, some good and some not so good, then we become wise. Some people become sage quicker and others slower. What counts is that we eventually learn it doesn’t matter the pace.

However, the fact is that some people stay naïve for a long time, not that this is necessarily a bad thing and it’s not their fault. Sometimes, environmental reasons are why we take longer than others to realize what reality can bring- maybe we live in a sheltered environment, maybe we have a secure family and home life and, as a result, believe in the goodness in all people. Again, this is not a bad thing. However, it can mark us for bullying, abuse, and usery.

Bullies can smell naivete a mile away and it’s the main factor that determines their choice of targets. Any time you’re a target of bullying, you can’t afford to be naïve. However, the sad reality is that most people targeted for bullying are, in fact, naïve and, again, it’s the reason they’re so often selected by bullies and abusers for victimization.

When I was young, I was naïve when it came to people. I believed that all people were inherently good, and I believed it to a fault. I can admit that today. And the bullying I suffered years ago smartened me up when it came to the duality of human beings.

And like I was, most targets are empaths and hold the same belief- that all people are inherently good and would never deliberately aim to harm another human being without a darn good reason.

As children, we’re taught to think positively, and things will work out for the best. This is not to say that we shouldn’t think positively because we should. However, many of us fail to take into consideration that there are some bad people out there who have evil intentions.

Also, we live in a competitive world full of people like these- people who want to take what we have and people who want to hurt us. Failure to realize these harsh truths will only subject targets of bullying to years of abuse as the bullying will only go unaddressed.

Understand that bullies, especially those in power, will always win unless we learn to spot them ahead of time and learn strategies to counter their attacks. And we can only learn to counter them when we accept the truth- the presence of bad people in the world.

We must realize that once bullies have their sights set on you, they won’t just disappear. Bullies are very persistent with their goals to harm you and ultimately destroy you. It’s a hard truth to swallow because we all want to believe that all humans are good, but the fact is that many of them are monsters.

Not everyone believes in treating others as they would like to be treated. We know that bullies think they’re good people even as they destroy the lives of their targets.

When we’re naïve, we’re vulnerable because with out people-knowledge, we’ll continue to take abuse. We must gain knowledge of the bully mindset and the motivations and intentions behind each tactic bullies use.

Only then will we be able to protect ourselves and ward off bullies.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying or Mobbing?

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Bullying becomes Chronic when the bullying has gone on over time and has escalated such that it has now reached a dangerous level. In short, bullying has reached epic proportions.

When there’s Chronic Bullying, bullies have grown so comfortable with bullying the target that they skyrocket the torment and pursue their targets obsessively and non-stop. Where there’s Chronic Bullying, there’s no accountability. And where there’s no accountability, there’s simply no incentive to stop.

In the case of Chronic Bullying, the bullies’ behavior has gone ignored and unaddressed by an authority. The bullies have become so brazen, cocky, and encouraged that their actions have grown in strength, frequency, and cruelty over several years.

The bullies’ apathy toward the victim grows to a point where they lose all empathy and come to feel nothing but blind hatred and fury toward the target. The attitude has now become that anything they do to the victim, no matter how cruel or dangerous, is good because, to the bullies, the victim has no value, and his life is worth nothing.

People who bully to these extremes usually have followers and minions backing them up. And they enlist members of their following to do their dirty work. The bullying becomes so significant, so ingrained, and so severe that it seemingly takes on a life of its own.

The bullies are seemingly drunk on their own power and their hatred that the bullying and torment of you seem to be all the bullies can focus on.

Instead of the bullies controlling their evil emotions and actions, their feelings and actions begin to control them! The bullies are controlled by hatred and blinded by senseless rage. They have become so addicted to the power and control over another human being that the bullying becomes constant for the bullies to get their fix and maintain the high that the power over the target gives them.

Understand that when bullying becomes chronic, bullies don’t see the target as a human being; they see him as so worthless and inferior that, in their minds, the target doesn’t deserve the time of day, much less any respect. As far as the bullies are concerned, the target doesn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as them! Even worse- the target doesn’t deserve to breathe, period!

This is why chronic bullying can be especially dangerous to the target because the victim runs the chance of either breaking and committing suicide or being murdered by their bullies.

This is why it’s so important to get out anytime bullying becomes chronic. Get out of that environment- transfer to another school, go to work for another company, or move to another area.

Again, because once bullying becomes chronic, it becomes so out of control that it takes on a life all it’s own. There’s no stopping it at this stage.

The only way you’ll ever find peace is to leave without telling anyone. Only then will you be safe and have peace of mind.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

21 Excuses Bullies Make to Justify Their Bullying

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The excuses bullies make for their rotten behavior are endless. Here are the most common excuses bullies make.

“Just because.”

“Because he’s annoying.”

“She brings it on herself.”

“I was only joking.”

“Because he’s a nerd.”

“Because she’s a loser.”

“Because he’s so stupid.”

“Because you deserve it.”

“Because you have a crooked nose (or funny ears, etc.).”

“Because he’s a wimp (wuss, geek, etc.).”

“Because she’s crazy (mentally unstable, cuckoo, loony, etc.)”

“Because he dresses weird.”

“Because he stinks (smells funny, etc.).”

“Because he needs to toughen up.”

“Because he’s black.”

“Because she’s white.”

“Because you have a big mouth.”

“Because he’s too skinny.”

“Because he has four-eyes (wears eye-glasses).

“Because she’s a metal-mouth (wears braces).

“You’re too different.”

I could go on and on! The excuses bullies make are endless. However, know that these so-called reasons have nothing to do with you if you’re a target of bullying. Understand that bullying is about power and the need to feel better than someone else. Your bullies are trying to meet their needs for validation or superiority in a hateful and hurtful manner.

When you’re being mistreated, it’s normal to want to figure out why. And the reason we want to know why it is so we can fix whatever’s wrong and make the bullying stop. But just because we correct whatever’s wrong doesn’t mean the bullying will go away, and most of the time, it doesn’t.

It only gets worse when you try to change yourself because people lose respect for you when you’re not yourself.

You may try to change yourself; you may hide, wear fancier clothes, even buy a new flashier car. But the truth is, there was never anything wrong with you in the first place. Understand that bullies target you not because there’s anything wrong with you or because you’ve done anything wrong. They’re only using you to meet their needs, and those needs are to feel better about themselves, feel powerful, superior, or better than you.

I even know adults- ADULTS, who should know better but are under the misguided impression that if people bully you, that you’re causing them to do so- that there’s something wrong with you, that there has to be something you’re not doing right, that you’re somehow annoying people and rubbing everyone the wrong way. No! This is a falsehood you should dismiss immediately!

Don’t accept it! Know in your heart that you did nothing wrong and that you’re great just the way you are! Here are things you can do to help your self-esteem and restore confidence.

Avoid these bullies like the plague.

Keep company with only those who uplift you and make you feel good about yourself.

Befriend other targets.

Do the things you enjoy and always show off your talents and gifts.

Do all of these, and your self-esteem will thank you for it!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

12 Signs You’re Being Gaslighted

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Bullies are notorious for gaslighting their targets. As we know, when a target speaks out about the abuse and begins defending themselves, bullies are quick to paint the targets as crazy, try to reverse the roles to make the target look like the bully, or try to convince the target that what happened didn’t really happen- that it was all in the target’s imagination, or they’re being overly sensitive, overreacting, etc.

If you’re a target, understand that bullies will gaslight you to shut you up, so that they can keep their moral high ground. They do it to make you doubt your sanity because they know that if you doubt your own sanity, it’s a sure bet that others will doubt it too.

It’s tough to know when someone is gaslighting you because when others agree with them, you’ll feel even more compelled to just shut up and go along with it. The reason for this compulsion is fear. You know that, more than likely, if you don’t just clam up and go along, you’ll only suffer more abuse as punishment for daring to open your mouth.

So, how do you know that someone is gaslighting you?

Simple. You know just by how it makes you feel. Here are the symptoms:

1. You’ll constantly second guess yourself – It’s a brutal cycle. You say something, make a judgement call, maybe a decision, and then you turn right around and begin wondering if you said or did the right thing. This is bad because second-guessing ourselves can cause us to feel stuck in life, and there are few worse things than feeling stuck.

 You’re hyper-self-aware, self-conscious, and always on guard to make sure you do and say the right thing all the time. Also, too much second guessing can cause us to do and say the wrong things out of nervousness and that is no way to live life!

How you solve this problem is to stop worrying about what others think and to realize that your first instinct will usually be the correct one.

 2. You wonder if you’re imagining things or being too sensitive and you do it several times a day- They don’t call it “crazy-making” for nothing because it can drive you crazy. When people are constantly taking pot shots at you, you hesitate to make any comebacks because, again, you’re too busy doubting yourself and putting too much value on the opinions of others.

Again, the best way to solve this problem is to trust what you feel and go with it. You may get bullied harder for it, but wouldn’t you feel better about yourself later, knowing that you stood up to those creeps?

3. You over-apologize- You apologize for trivial stuff that anyone else could do and probably get away with. You apologize for other people’s behavior. You even apologize for having to go to the bathroom! In short, you apologize for everything!

4. You’re confused all the time- Should you do this or that, say this or that? You live in constant confusion.

5. You’re never happy but you feel you should be- that’s a dead ringer that you’re being gaslighted. Because when people gaslight you even for feeling a certain way, this is what happens. And your feelings are right. You should be happier. Only you have a bullying gaslighter in your life holding you back from the happiness you so richly deserve.

6. You make excuses for other people’s behavior- this especially happens when you have fake friends who only use and abuse you. You don’t want others to know what they’re doing to you because you already know, and you’re riddled with shame over it. And it can be embarrassing when the people you call friends disrespect you because you end up looking pathetic to others. Therefore, you make excuses for them not only to hide the shame of being abused, but to keep your abusers from being angry and making you pay for it later.

But the only way to stop this is to face the truth and, even better, ditching these fakers. Because if you must make excuses for someone who’s bullying and abusing you, they can’t be a friend.

7. You lie to avoid being ridiculed or put down, even about things you should have nothing to worry about- when you feel you must lie about things that are not a big deal, that’s definitely a red flag!

Here are a few more symptoms to be aware of:

8. You feel that you’ve changed- that you’re no longer the confident and outgoing person you used to be.

9. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

10.  You feel hopeless.

11. You wonder if you’re good enough.

 12. You know something’s wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it.

Realize that being gaslighted day in and day out causes you to eventually lose yourself- to lose sight of who you are and once that happens, bullies and abusers will have you exactly where they want you.

Understand that some things are not so clear and that there are situations that we won’t get direct and easy answers to. That is why it’s so important to go with how you feel. Listen to your body- listen to your gut.

“Trust your feelings, Luke.” – Yoda (Star Wars)

There are times when the way you feel will be all the answers you need.

And once you go with your feelings, find a way to rid yourself of the life-leeches in your life (if possible). It’s the only way you’ll be able to heal, get yourself back, and live a peaceful, happy, and purposeful life.

With knowledge comes empowerment!