‘Want to know the differences between bullying and banter? Here are the most common distinctions you need to know about.
In many situations, it’s tough to know the difference between bullying and banter. Are they laughing with you or at you? You may wonder.
In this post you will learn how to tell the differences between bullying and banter. Also, you’ll learn how to respond to bullies who try to make their bullying look like harmless fun.
Once you learn all these characteristics and how to tell them apart just by experiencing them, you will be better able to defend yourself when bullies try to disguise their abuse as teasing.
This post is all about the differences between bullying and banter and exactly what you can do to counter it.
Bullying and banter
“Can’t you take a joke!”
Bullies are notorious for that line when targets speak out and call them out on their abuse. It’s the most manipulative and dangerous, and popular excuse for crappy behavior.
Why? Because it uses social pressure to make you out to be a party pooper who doesn’t know how to relax and have a good time.
In other words, bullies use this old, worn-out comeback to cover themselves. Also, they employ this tactic to dupe bystanders and witnesses into believing that the abuse was just playful banter.
What’s worse is that it makes you look and feel like some dysfunctional whiner who’s just too sensitive and needs to lighten up.
But how do you know the difference between bullying and banter? Here are your answers:
1. There’s a power imbalance
With bullying, there’s always a power imbalance, and harm is intended. Also, the relationship is always harmful and abusive.
On the other hand, there’s no power imbalance with banter. In other words, each person is always on equal social footing with each other.
Banter is done strictly among friends, family members- people with equal power. There’s no harm intended, and people who exchange banter have a positive and fulfilling relationship.
2. In banter, people respect you enough to stay away from your “no-go zones”
Your “no-go zones” are often called your hot buttons or triggers. These are things that you’re insecure, embarrassed, or ashamed of.
Also, they can be any adverse experiences you’ve had in the past.
In banter, people know to stay away from those areas and won’t bring them up. Moreover, banter is never threatening to the other person.
Whereas, if it’s bullying, bullies will deliberately zero in on things they know you’re insecure about and will only continue to bring them up in front of an audience when they see that you’re upset.
3. The Difference between bullying and banter:
It all comes down to how it makes you feel and your relationship with the other person!
If nothing else, know this! Anyone you have a negative or hostile relationship with does NOT get the privilege to banter or joke with you! Ever!
Understand that banter is only reserved for the people you feel good about! Because they know your triggers and remember never to go near those tender areas!
4. Always read the person’s nonverbal body language
If the person is smirking and snickering instead of genuinely smiling and laughing out loud, that’s a sign of contempt, and it’s more than likely bullying instead of banter.
Sadly, anytime the bully plays the “Can’t-You-Take-A-Joke” card, it’s too easy for you to get caught off guard. This often leaves you speechless or paralyzed with humiliation.
Many victims end up so upset they walk away feeling indignant. Why? Because it’s sometimes difficult to adequately address the bully’s comeback without them gaslighting you and making you feel even lower!
How to Address This Kind of Bullying
Therefore, here is the perfect way to clap back at a bully who claims to be playing or joking. And, once you do this, you’ll walk away feeling great about yourself and that you handled it like a boss!
Bullying and Banter – Bullies Don’t get to Banter with you!
Shut them down by saying:
“Only my friends can joke with me like that! You’re not my friend, so you need to back off!”
Or,
“Newsflash! I don’t like you! You’re not my friend! So, you don’t get to say that, I don’t give a __ if you’re playing or not!”
And say it like you mean it! Then watch the bully pathetically slink away with their tail tucked between their legs! It has worked for me, and it’ll work for you too!
Harmless teasing, playful banter, and comedy are all okay with people you feel good around. Sadly, it’s something that seems to be dying out today.
Too many people get triggered anymore by anything. And bullies seem to be the very people who are easily triggered and are constantly looking for something to get offended over.
However, there’s a difference between harmless teasing and cruel jokes. It’s normal to be offended over cruel jokes because they can be harmful.
Bullying and Banter:
What’s the difference between harmless teasing and cruel jokes?
1. Cruel jokes poke fun of things you’re insecure about, such as your height, weight, nose and ear size, and other hot spots.
Harmless teasing stays away for those hot spots.
2. Cruel jokes continue even after you express hurt and discomfort.
Harmless teasing immediately stops if there’s even the slightest hint that you’re uncomfortable with it.
In short, harmless teasing is harmless and done all in good fun. Cruel jokes, on the other hand, can be damaging to a person’s self-esteem and should be avoided.
Bullying and Banter:
Are they laughing with you or at you?
Many targets are abused for so long that they simply lose trust in people and withdraw from everyone. Also, in social situations, many targets mistakenly assume that those they’re with are laughing at them when they’re really laughing with them.
Make this mistake and it can cause a rift between you and someone who’s a well-meaning friend. This is the last thing you want!
So, how can you tell whether someone is laughing with you or at you?
Here’s how:
1. Laughing with you
There’s always eye contact.
In other words, the person is looking at you and interacting with you while laughing. Moreover, you have a good relationship with the person and there’s no power imbalance. In other words, the person sees you as an equal and you know it.
Laughing at you
There’s absolutely no eye contact.
In fact, the person is looking around at everyone else but you while laughing. Also, you do not have a good relationship with the person. There may or may not be bad history between you and the person.
Therefore, here’s your cue to tell this person that if they think it’s a joke, it’s not and that they need to step all the way off!
2. Laughing with you
The person doesn’t hold the laughter in. Instead, the laughter happens automatically and spontaneously.
Laughing at you
The laughter usually pauses first. And they don’t laugh out loud but only snicker and snort. Some may cover their mouths while snickering.
Again, now’s the time to tell them to get bent.
3. Bullying and Banter: Laughing with you
How does the person treat you once the laughter is over? They’re generally good to you and they enjoy being around you.
Laughing at you:
On the other hand, the person treats you with contempt and they won’t hang around. They may even make a snide remark to you on their way out to go laugh at you behind your back.
Therefore, have nothing more to do with them.
It also depends on context.
4. Laughing with you
The laughter is deep and the person’s natural laugh.
Laughing at you
There’s “mocking laughter”, where the person imitates your laugh.
The person isn’t laughing because you’ve done anything wrong or foolish, or because there’s anything wrong with you. Instead, they’re laughing at you to bring you down.
Moreover, they’re doing it to boost their own social status or to feel better about themselves.
Therefore, tell this person exactly where they can go!
5. Bullying and Banter: Laughing with you
The person generally has good feelings toward you and is having fun or being playful.
Laughing at you
The person has a hostile and hurtful attitude toward you. They’re enjoying your pain, humiliation or weakness.
In conclusion:
The sooner you recognize these differences, the sooner you’ll avoid the wrong people. Moreover, the quicker you’ll be able to enjoy more rewarding relationships.
This is because you’ll be better able to recognize and avoid those who wish to inflict emotional harm. Moreover, you’ll have the confidence to stand up to them any time they get out of line with you.
And when your relationships flourish, just imagine the fun you’ll have with the people who truly love and care about you and how much better you’ll feel when you do!
This post was all about how to recognize bullying and banter so that you can respond appropriately and preserve your personal dignity.
Related posts you’ll enjoy:
1. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use
2. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying
3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators
4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground
5. Fake Friends: 13 Surefire Signs They Don’t Like You for You
This a lot of times is sibling territory I think. Siblings give each other playful banter/grief but it usually (though not always) isn’t to be taken seriously or perhaps very close friends but bullies go way behind this.
I feel like. This happens too me a lot in my work place everyday.
My heart goes out to you because I was there too years ago. When you’re young and this happens, you want to tell them to get a life but you just know they’ll only turn around and say something like, “can’t you take a joke?” Thankfully, once you get older, you’re more like to know how to respond to it without looking like you really “can’t take a joke.”
But know that there are ways you can respond, sweetie. And know that you have friends here. ❤
Bullies can also be big hypocrites in this regard. I’ve seen and experienced bullies, who when you make a good banter like comeback, get all offended and respond with threats of or actual violence. Great post yet again, Cherie.
Thank you so much, Michael! You’re absolutely correct with both points you brought up here.
Thank you Cherie.
You’re most welcome!
This is something we seriously need to be teaching our kids. Maybe even some adults because people say kids are mean but the workplace is just as brutal for many and the consequences are just as harmful if not more due to the stress of a workplace environment affecting your finances and well-being long after work hours.
You’re absolutely right, Housewife! Sadly, it’s not something most of today’s parents think of teaching them. In fact, most people don’t think about teaching social skills, period. And most schools definitely won’t teach them these things because the system seems to be designed to produce more victims of bullying – people who are submissive to those in power rather than having the courage to think for themselves and take care of themselves. Sadly, this is strongly discouraged today.
What I am about to say is possibly an unpopular opinion but how I feel in regards to online bullying and comments toward other people whether famous or just your average person. I already know the argument of some, “My first amendment rights, my free speech!” First of all, your freedom ends where mine begins (not saying you personally Mrs.White). But these Social Media companies, news sites, etc. don’t do much about online bullying because they are protected by a poorly written law called the Communications Decency Act Section 230 which exempts them from being personally sued. And if someone libels you, you can pay the expense of a lawyer, etc and try to get a company to turn over IP addresses etc but the time and expense is overwhelming for some AND every single person could easily have their reputation soiled. Ask almost anyone on Social Media if at some point they have been attacked either out there on the forum or privately through an Instant message and most have.
Here is what would put a stop to a lot of it. No more using user names. Companies have the technology for the IP address to be posted for all to see (With cyberbullying so many times it is the same person using a variety of names trying to attack someone). But and many would scoff at this but make a user pay 1 dollar for an account. I know, I know people are going to say they aren’t going to pay jack but if everyone paid a dollar that would cut down on bots, scammers, etc so much and you should have provide a copy of something like a Driver’s License or work ID, something with a picture etc. Many would claim their privacy is being taken. First of all, if you are on Social Media or online period you gave up your privacy to begin with and that includes email etc, and companies and the government know way more about you than you think you do BUT those that it runs off probably don’t need to be on there anyway. I would gladly pay a dollar for an account and some identifying information that they basically already know anyway to provide safety for everyone. Look at the number of suicides due to bullying.
These are great ideas. It would indeed cut down on cyberbullying. Outlawing user names would be the way to go.
I have thought about it a lot. I just think for those that want to argue “Free Speech” but for one, the framers of the Constitution did not foresee things like the internet. But libel, etc are not protected speech. And yes you may have a right to say something but hiding behind a user name to attack others or creating 20 different accounts to gang up on someone and try to make it appear like it several people, also is not protected speech. If you say it, fine. Own it. Take this blog for example. You are using your real name, etc and yes you are talking about a hard subject bullying and you have many times whether on this blog or in your biography talked about what you experienced. That had to be hard to reveal so much and if there is an area, you could have been better in growing up, you have owned that too and told us the lessons you learned. I respect that. I am sure because it, while most of us admire you, those who bullied you have tried to shut you down or attacked you and probably still do BECAUSE instead of being a keyboard coward, you put your name on it and OWN IT.
Thank you so much, Bradley. Right after I published “From Victim to Victor,” I did get a lot of backlash from many of my old classmates from school. I also received a lot of threatening messages. However, it didn’t phase me any. I expected them to do just that. And they were doing just what ANY abuser does when the victim finally speaks out. Therefore, most people saw their reactions for what they were, attempts to cover their own butts. So, it was only par for the course.
As far as cyberbullying goes, I don’t participate in cyberbullying. However, I have said things online that angered people. I’ve stated opinions that others didn’t like. And I’ve responded to cyberbullies instead of reacting. And I’ve always put my name on it. So, again, thank you so much for your comment. It means a lot.
Hey Cherie,
Got a question/suggestion for a Blog article that ties into cyberbullying/banter, etc. One of the things cyberbullies and bullies in general love to do is go the immature route and attack people’s looks. For instance, Tik Tok has a high number of girls (and probably some boys too) that get body shamed which often leads to low self-esteem for the rest of their life and sometimes even suicide. How many times has someone attacked their ex’s looks stating they were unattractive etc? Well you dated them, you married them so apparently that wasn’t the case! And I am seeing more and more that even celebrities are being attacked. For instance I saw something the other day where Jennifer Anniston was attacked for her looks (gorgeous woman). I have seen everyone from Tom Cruise to Julia Roberts attacked online by keyboard cowards attacking their looks. Yet these same people would want a selfie or autograph from them if they met them on the street. Beauty is subjective anyway and the truth is the older we all get, looks almost always fade. You better have intelligence, humor, kindness, work ethic, etc to offer because those things last much longer. I would love to see an article on that subject.
Thank you so much, Bradley. And I totally agree. So many cyberbullies are quick to attack a celebrity’s looks, yet if they met them on the street, they would be sucking up to them like nobody’s business! It’s pathetic when you think about it. Besides, attacking someone solely based on their looks is just shallow in every sense of the word.
It’s funny you brought this up because I’m currently working on a post that is specifically about body-shaming. I still have some work to do on it. However, I will post it in the near future. Again, thank you so much for bringing this up.