Tag: standing up to bullies

Fear of Setting Boundaries: 5 Reasons You Don’t Stand Up to Bullies

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‘Ever wondered why you have a fear of setting boundaries? Do you want to know what you can do about it? Here’s why you’re afraid to stick up for yourself and ways you can turn it around.

fear of setting boundaries

Many victims of bullying have a fear of setting boundaries. Why, because bullies have taken their confidence, self-esteem and personal power.

This is heartbreaking because when you’re too afraid to set boundaries, your human rights go out the window. Moreover, it makes for a miserable existence because you’re at the mercy of other people’s whims.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn why you have such a fear of setting boundaries and what you can do to change it and get your life back.

Once you learn all the reasons, you will be more compelled to squash that fear and begin acting and speaking in your own behalf. In that, you’ll eventually take back your autonomy and freedom.

This post is all about the fear of setting boundaries, why you have it, and what you can do to change it so that you can finally take back control of your life!

Fear of Setting Boundaries

All too often, victims of bullying have a hard time setting boundaries. Many just keep their mouths shut, grin and bear it while others wipe their feet all over them.

Therefore, they suffer in silence and obscurity, which only further damages their mental health. If being used as a rug hurts so much, why do they allow it to continue?

There are several reasons:

1. You don’t have the confidence.

Many targets of bullying, like you, feel helpless and simply think it wouldn’t do them any good. Therefore, they see no point in speaking up because they know that they’ll likely get bullied worse for it.

Remember that bullying, like any other form of abuse, thrives on your silence. Therefore, it takes confidence to set boundaries, which, sadly, is something few bullying victims have.

Also, as we know, bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. In their minds, you’re a victim.

To them,  you have no rights and deserve no human dignity. Bullies don’t see you as a human being, deserving of the same human rights as everyone else. That’s a fact.

Therefore, they feel they have carte blanche to abuse you and expect you to stay quiet about it. However, don’t be afraid to speak out in your behalf. Even more importantly, don’t fear standing up to the bullies.

Understand that you have just as much of a right as anyone else to defend yourself and to ensure your own safety. So, don’t wait on anyone else to help you. Protecting yourself from harm is your responsibility.

2. Fear of Setting Boundaries:

You feel powerless to stop the abuse.

Again, setting boundaries is anything but easy- it’s one of the hardest things to do after people have bullied you for so long. Why?

Because they’ve brainwashed you into thinking you’re to blame for their horrid behavior.

Many victims have been abused for so long that they’ve “gotten used to it.” In other words, bullies and their sycophants have conditioned the targets to take the abuse and allow them to ride roughshod over them.

Moreover, many times, targets have been fooled into believing that setting boundaries is selfish.

This is why you cave in to the bullies’ demands. You may feel it’s safer just to give them what they want and pacify them.

3. You fear the bullies will retaliate.

This is understandable. Bullies can put the fear of God in you if you don’t know your rights.

Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying, you may badly want to tell your abusers to knock it off. You may want to tell them to get the hell away from you and stay away. You may even want to fight back, but you don’t know how they may react.

Another thing you don’t know is whether they’ll accept your boundaries, nor if they’ll want to accept them. Moreover, you know that there’s a chance the bullies may act violently toward you for having the chutzpah to speak against their abuse.

Bullies despise even a hint of opposition because they see it as your challenging their power and perceived authority. Therefore, they’ll do whatever they can to tighten their grip if they suspect you’re defying them. And sometimes, things get dangerous, and you must do it scared.

However, what you may not realize is this. When you set boundaries, you enact your autonomy and speak from a place of self-care and self-love. You decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Therefore, you take your power back.

4. Fear of Setting Boundaries:

You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve the abuse.

If you’ve been bullied for a long time, your bullies may have gaslighted you into believing that you somehow deserve the abuse. However, let me assure you. You don’t!

No matter how they blame you for their behavior, I repeat, you do not deserve to be bullied. And I say this with full conviction!

Therefore, realize that bullies know that what they’re doing is wrong. They have to know it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t demand that you stay silent about the abuse. Moreover, they wouldn’t work so damn hard to convince you that you did something to make them behave the way they do.

They also wouldn’t spend the time searching for any justification for their bullying. And they wouldn’t constantly go around spreading falsehoods about you to everyone who’ll listen.

Remember, bullying takes a lot of work. In other words, bullies must work hard to maintain their phony facades and cover up their lies and abuse. Moreover, they must also work hard to keep you powerless.

5. You Fear Physical Retaliation.

I understand the intense fear of getting beat up. No one looks forward to being attacked on the playground, in the bathroom, or in the company parking lot.

However, if your bullies have threatened physical violence for defending yourself, then you must be willing to fight and not back down.

In other words, you either face your fear and fight back or continue being scared and living under the thumb of bullies.

The choice is yours. And you never know. If you fight back, you just might beat the living snot out of your bully and stop them from messing with you. It’s amazing what you can do when you’re in a survival situation!

Fear of Setting Boundaries:

Before you’re able to stand up for yourself, you must be clear of what you will not accept.

Again, it takes confidence to stand up to a bully. It would be best if you also gave up your old self-protective behaviors. In other words, stop the defense mechanisms you tried in the past that failed.

Why? Because these defense mechanisms are ways your bullies and a few other abusers in your life have conditioned you to respond.

So, what behaviors are we referring too here? In other words, what defense mechanism do you need to stop doing?

  • You must stop over-apologizing.
  • You must stop trying to explain yourself to anyone.
  • Stop trying to figure out what made the bullies so hostile.
  • Stop wondering what you did wrong.
  • You must stop wondering if something’s wrong with you.
  • You must stop asking, “why me.”

Before you can stand up to abuse, you must squash the mentality that compels you to use any of the ineffective measures above.

You must understand that all the why me, why this, why that, gets you nowhere. And all the wracking your brains wondering and trying to figure out what’s wrong also serves no purpose. It’s a complete waste of time and only makes you feel worse.

Instead, be real with yourself and conclude that your bullies are just a bunch of ignorant, moronic jackasses who lack character and live fake existences. Also, you must learn to trust yourself, which includes trusting your body and how it feels.

Moreover, trust everything you see, hear, feel, sense, and the vibes you pick up from the people around you. And finally, trust your decisions. And realize that, sometimes, it takes dogged determination to defend yourself from bullies.

In other words,

  • Even if your bullies rationalize and justify their behavior, you won’t take their crap.
  • Though they may blame you for their despicable behavior, you won’t take it.
  • Even if they tell you that you’re cr4zy or mentally imbalanced, you won’t accept their bullshit.
  • Though they call you a bitch, an asshole, or any other degrading name, you won’t put up with it.
  • Even if you made a mistake and your bullies call it out in an abusive manner, you won’t take it.
  • And, for the love of Pete! If the bullies commit physical violence, you definitely won’t take that!  Put up those dukes and throw down if you need to! Or, if you must, get the police involved, file charges, and sue for any damages!

Fear of Setting Boundaries:

Understand that it’ll take calling your bullies out every single time they cross the line.

You can say:

  • “Stop it!”
  • “Cut it out!”
  • “Knock it off!”
  • “Get away from me!”
  • “Get out!”

You get power just by loudly giving either one of these commands. And who knows? I’m not making any guarantees here, but you might shock your bullies back to reality and make them leave you alone.

There were times when I was pleasantly surprised, and it worked for me.

You do not have to walk on eggshells around anyone! Know that you do have a choice and a voice. You can choose not to accept the bullies’ behavior. And, if nothing else, know this!

You have more power than you know. Fear is thinking you don’t have the power you actually do have.

So, stick to your guns and hold your ground!

This post was all about the reasons for your fear of setting boundaries and what you can do to squelch your fear and take back your power and your life.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Lack of Boundaries: 15 Signs You Need to Get Some

2. Physical Bullying: Should You Hit Back?

3. Enforcing Personal Boundaries: 7 Powerful Strategies

4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

5. How to Have Self-Respect: 7 Powerful Ways to Treat Yourself Well

6. Forgiveness Does Not Require Reconnection

You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

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Did you know that there are times when you don’t have to explain yourself? Do you want to know the 5 reasons you shouldn’t and under which circumstances?

you don't have to explain yourself

A sad part of people targeting you for bullying is that they will force you to take responsibility for things you can’t control, like their horrid behavior. Also, chances are good that you’re doing all the research on how to gather the courage to refuse to answer to your bullies.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Sure, people have told you this time and time again. But how do you gather the courage to refuse? You learn, most likely, the hard way, that your bullies are only trying to strip you of your personal power.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn the reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself to your bullies.

After you learn not to answer to these people, you will finally be your own hero. Also, you will take back your personal power and live in peace.

This post is all about the steps and mindsets to get to a place to where you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. These are things that every target of bullying should learn.

You Don’t have to Explain Yourself

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. There are reasons bullies accuse and attack you. Also, there are reasons why you don’t owe them any explanations.

1. Bullies project on you. They accuse you of the same things they are guilty of.

The reason they do this is to make you look like the guilty man. And when you try to explain yourself to them and swear up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong, your bullies will twist it to make it look as if you’re the one trying to cover your own behind.

For example, when you stand up for yourself, they will accuse you of being rude and disrespectful. However, realize that your bullies will only do this to gaslight you and make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

Don’t fall for it. Simply call out their gaslighting and tell them to step off. Or,  you could just put your hand up and walk away.

However, in most cases, your best recourse is to not try so hard to convince anyone of anything. Let people believe what they want, then let that help you decide who you should cut out of your life for good.

For the love of Pete! If the people who take your bullies word over yours are those you thought were your friends, show those people the door. Fast!

Look at it this way. These people aren’t really your friends and they don’t deserve the privilege of your presence, let alone your friendship! Stop keeping company with people who aren’t worth your time.

Understand that when you rid yourself of fake friends, you automatically make room for true friends to come into your life. And believe me, they will. You might have to wait a while but better people will show up in your life.

2. Another Reason Why You don’t have to explain yourself: Some people Will Try to Bait you

Moreover, the reason they bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. These psychological payoffs are satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

To break it down, while you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince your bullies that you aren’t guilty of whatever they’re accusing you of, they’re mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the back.

They’re proud of themselves over how easily they’ve gotten you to react. Also, they’re getting a high on how easily they can scare you, make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one.

3. Explanations are usually a waste of time and energy

Why? For three reasons:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that most people only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong.

Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Sometimes it’s just better to let them all know up front that you don’t owe them any explanations. Then, end the confrontation by telling them all to piss off before turning your back on them and walking away.

4. If nothing else, know this! Your bullies and abusers already know you’re innocent of their accusations.

In other words, all the mind games they play with you are deliberate!

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, they’re doing it to make a big show. Have you noticed that toxic people usually loudly accuse you of something in front of an audience?

Again, these people already know you’re innocent. They’re only doing it for show and to achieve nefarious ends.

They are, more than likely, fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression they accuse you of. So, you must realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react.

And why would they stop? You’ve probably been giving them that rush of power all along. And your bullies are addicted to it.

Understand that the power rush always wears off quickly. Therefore, your bullies will only crave another rush soon and come back for more. Power is something bullies can’t get enough of.

5. even if you produce evidence to prove your point, you will have to work to gather that evidence.

Do you really want to work that hard all your life? Here’s another hard fact about bullies:

They get their thrills just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself. Therefore, stop trying so hard to prove yourself to people who don’t (or shouldn’t) matter.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to people who have no bearing on my life. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t sign my paychecks, and they aren’t my spouse or my parents. These people have no say over any part of my life.

4. Are they even up to my level?

5. Do they bring anything positive and worthwhile to my life?

Once you ask these questions, you will know the answers. Moreover, you’ll realize that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death.

It’s difficult not to began rattling off in nervousness, when you just want them to go away and leave you in peace. But trust me, they won’t! Remember, bullies and abusers always come back for more!

This bears repeating. It won’t make things better. If anything, the harassment will only get worse because your reaction will only make you an even bigger and easier target.

Here’s what Will Happen Once You Realize what Your Bullies are Doing

 Once you realize what your bullies are doing and where it all comes from, you will began to get bored with them.  Also, you will blow the bullies off with a “whatever,” and walk away because their mind games will no longer affect you.

Therefore, you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails. Moreover, you won’t be any fun to them anymore.

The day will then come when your bullies will finally leave you alone and find some one else to toy around with.

This is why you must do whatever is necessary to take back your personal power and your life. Stop thinking you have to explain yourself to people who could care less anyway. Since when do you owe thing a damn thing?

Know that you deserve so much better. Command the respect you deserve. Also command better treatment. And if that means you walk away and sever ties with toxic people, then, so be it.

Therefore, know that you can do better than them.

This post is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. Its purpose was to help you lift yourself out of victimhood and reclaim your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

When Fighting Is The Only Alternative You Have

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Many times throughout my life, I’ve heard people preach against fighting- and yes, even in self-defense. When I was being bullied- even physically so, I was often told by teachers and even the bullies themselves, “Violence doesn’t solve anything.”  Or, my personal favorite, “fighting isn’t lady-like.”

I’ve got news for these people- neither is getting your face beat in every day.

Be that as it may, fighting back was better than just standing there and taking the beatings. When you’re a target of bullying and you decide to stand up for yourself, there will be people who will climb up on their soapbox and insert their two cents where it doesn’t belong, telling you that “violence doesn’t solve anything,” and that “you shouldn’t stoop to their (the bullies’) level.”

You’ve heard the term, “All up in your Kool-Aid, and don’t know the flavor.” Yep! That’s where they’ll will be when you get enough of bullying and decide once and for all to take care of business.

However, what else do you do if you’re a kid at school getting their brains beat out every other day? Just stand there and allow yourself to be harmed over and over again?

All the time, targets get suspended or expelled from school when they finally defend themselves against a bully. After six months, eight months, two years, or even five years of being mercilessly bullied and trying to handle it through nonviolent means, only to be called a wuss and beat up more, the target finally gets fed up and beats the living crap out of a bully.

Now everyone’s surprised and outraged! Not at the bully, but at the target! But where was their outrage when the target was getting their body pummeled without provocation? Where was their outrage when the shoe was on the other foot? Where was their humanity when the target cried out for help?

If you’re in school and you’re a target of bully. These questions are those you should ask the school authorities, bystanders, and anyone who gets offended by your defending yourself. Know that you’re just as good as the next person. Know that you have the same rights as anyone else- including your bullies. And know that you have the right to defend yourself anytime you’re threatened with physical harm.

Understand that this is a part of self-care. It’s true that fighting isn’t always the answer but sometimes, bullies will leave you no other choice.

So, if you’ve tried everything else, know that you must do what you must to keep yourself safe. And if it means putting up your dukes and getting froggy, so be it.

It’s sad when a target must fight all the time to keep themselves from being harmed but I don’t hold it against anyone who fights back under those circumstances because you have to take care of yourself or no one else will.

With knowledge comes empowerment!