Tag: self-respect

self-respect

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

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Do you want to know how to go about putting yourself first so that you can live a freer and more peaceful and purposeful life?

putting yourself first

Putting yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity, especially if you’re a victim or target of bullying.

Sadly, many people have been conditioned from childhood to believe that putting yourself first is self-centered and greedy. Therefore, they put others before them to such an extent that they end of tolerating use and abuse.

In this post, you will learn the importance of putting yourself first. Also, you will learn the best, most time-tested self-care practices and how to practice them free of shame.

After learning these things, you will more readily prioritize your own needs. Best of all, you won’t feel any quilt nor shame when it’s time to take care of you.

This post is all about the importance of putting yourself first to help you give yourself the same love you give others, and do it guilt-free.

Putting Yourself First

Before we get into the practices, let’s make this absolutely clear.

Putting others first isn’t a bad thing. It shows that you care about your fellow man and that you’re willing to contribute some good to the world. Therefore, it’s an outstanding character trait to have.

However, many people have been conditioned, often by well-meaning parents, that the polite thing to do is to put others ahead of themselves. That making sacrifices for others shows manners and that they are “good people.”

However, when you overdo that courtesy or you do it at your own expense, that’s when it becomes a bad thing. The problem is that people will come to expect you to be a yes-person and take their crap.

Then, sooner or later, you’ll begin attracting users and abusers and become a doormat.

In taking this advice, many of us found out the hard way that giving too much of ourselves sometimes involved overlooking abuse. Even worse, we found that it didn’t make the mistreatment go away but only encouraged the person to abuse us later.

Growing up, you hear every excuse imaginable:

“Oh, they’re just having a bad day.”

“Maybe they have an abusive or cheating spouse at home.”

“Oh, but you never know what that person is going through.” Blah-blah-b-blah.

A few adults in your family and a few teachers more than likely advise you to,

“Give them a break.”

“Cut so-and-so some slack.”

“Try to overlook him.”

“Oh, but try to put yourself in her shoes.”

“Be reasonable.”

I know how you must have felt. That probably got old very quickly and you eventually grew fed up and wanted to scream,“Um- EXCUSE ME! I’ve been ‘reasonable,’ and the only thing I ever got from it is taken advantage of! Would you be reasonable if this happened to you?!”

Therefore, no matter what anyone tells you, it’s okay to put yourself first. And no law or rule says you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior- from anyone! Ever!

Anytime people mistreat you, then someone advises or forces you to “be nice” or “understand what Joe Blow is going through,” it only means that, subconsciously, the givers of this advice either don’t care about your boundaries, or they’re afraid of making the offending person angrier, and of the situation escalating.

Some people just can’t handle conflict. They are only trying to silence you to appease the person who’s being a total jackass.

These kinds of advice and expectations can do one of either two things to you as you get older:

A. It can program you to be over tolerant of unacceptable and abusive behaviors and set you up for a life of getting bullied by other people.

In other words, you grow up being so afraid of pissing anyone off that you accept any abuse to avoid conflict. You end up living a life of being crapped on by others.

B. It can have the exact opposite effect and give you an “F-you” attitude and a bad case of The Don’t-Give-A-Craps.

Put another way, because others have forced you to accept bad behavior in the past, you become a mean, bitter, and apathetic adult and could care less about anyone. That’s not good either.

Maybe you’re like me, one of the lucky ones. It gives you an equal blend of both. You believe in treating others how you’d want them to treat you and don’t mind lending a helping hand to someone who needs it.

But if for one moment, you suspect that someone is taking your kindness for being a fool, you’ll drop that person like a bad habit and they’re on their own!

Here’s the point. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to put others before you, but only in particular circumstances.

Here Are a Few examples.

It’s perfectly fine to give an older adult your chair in a crowded doctor’s office.

It’s okay to get up and offer your seat to a combat soldier in a crowded airport.

In fact, it’s called having respect for elders and servicemen and women who fight for your country.

But never take abuse nor accept excuses for unacceptable behavior. Anytime someone crosses a line with you, go ahead. Respond in kind. Give it back to them because only then will the person realize that you aren’t a doormat and find someone else to abuse.

Realize that you are not selfish or being self-centered. It’s called self-preservation. And now for the habits you must get into to put yourself first.

Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Habits to Practice

1. Set Boundaries and Say No when you must.

You must have boundaries or you won’t have any respect.

Saying no to others automatically establishes boundaries. It also means saying yes to yourself.

By saying no, you give yourself the gift of choice and autonomy. Many people, especially bullies, will demand that you go along with something that isn’t good for you.

Therefore, saying no and putting up boundaries can be essential for your well being. Never say yes to anything that puts you in danger or makes you uncomfortable.

Trust your feelings, be true to yourself, and say “no,” no matter what the cost. This is putting yourself first.

2. Make Time for Yourself.

In other words, make time to rest, relax, be alone, and just chill. Also, make time to pursue your own interests. Work on your goals and put in the work to make your dreams come true. Dedicate 2-3 hours of your day for you-time. And know that you are worth it and you deserve it.

3. Putting yourself first means asking for Help.

Admit it. Sometimes you need a little help. We all do.

Realize that you’re human and you can’t conquer the world. Especially not by yourself. Therefore, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

If you need your husband to help you clean the kitchen because you’re not feeling well. Ask him. Or, if you need help with your algebra homework, it’s perfectly okay to ask your older brother to help you.

Besides, all they can do is say no. They aren’t going to shoot you for it. So, learn to take risks. That means asking for help when you need it.

4. Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Making mistakes is a part of being human. However, it is also how we learn. So, try new things and don’t be afraid of not doing it right the first time. You learn more from mistakes than you do anything else.

5. Putting yourself first also means Doing what you know is right for you.

In other words, make your own decisions. You will have people, especially bullies and haters, who try to butt in and tell you what they think you should do. Don’t listen to their squawking.

Only you can do what’s best for you. Only you know what decisions to make in your life. Do what you feel is best for you.

You may or may not make the right decisions. However, if you make the wrong choices, learn from them. Only you can live your life. No one else can do it for you.

6. Never Concern yourself with other’s opinions.

Realize that most opinions you get from others, especially those from bullies, don’t (or shouldn’t) matter. When you worry about what other people think, you become a slave to them. In other words, they own your butt!

Everyone has an opinion. The only opinions you should be concerned with are those of God, yourself, and the people who love and care for you the most.

This is another lesson in putting yourself first. When you put first your opinions and those of people who love you, you automatically put yourself first.

7. Make time to Do the things you love to do the most.

If that’s travel, then make time for it. If you love playing music, make time for that. When you’re engaged in your hobbies and favorite things, you add meaning and happiness to your life.

There may be those who ridicule you over your hobbies. But realize that people who make fun of your favorite things to do have no hobbies of their own.

Therefore, continue to do the things that fulfill you. It makes life so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

This post was all about putting yourself first so that you can live your life freely and with purpose and meaning.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

5. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

male employee sucking up to boss

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

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Do you want to know the best ways to stop being a people pleaser? These steps are the best time-tested ways that you must know and practice.

how to stop being a people pleaser

Being a people pleaser can be downright overwhelming because you’re too busy trying to please others to take care of your own needs. If you’re like I was, you’re probably wondering how to stop being a people pleaser.

You are going to learn exactly how to stop being a people pleaser by learning the actions you should take to get there.

Once you learn about all these steps, you will finally free yourself from the impulse to people please, Also, you will be surprised at how much happier and freer you’ll be.

This post is all about how to stop being a people pleaser, so that you can finally take care of your own needs and live a freer and more peaceful and relaxing life.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Before we get into the steps, let’s refresh ourselves a little. What is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who constantly puts others’ wants and needs before their own. But, why do some many feel the need to people please?

There are many reasons. However, the most common reason for people pleasing is to seek and win approval from others. Other reasons include:

1. To avoid conflict

2. Low self-esteem

3. Insecurity

4. The desire to be liked and win friends

5. The fear of retaliation.

For example, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll be harmed. This is because, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves and say anything bullies and their helpers don’t want to hear.

Don’t be a simp!

Realize that being a people pleaser rarely produces the desired outcome. In fact, in most cases, it only produces the exact opposite of what you want.

To put it in simpler terms, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, people only lose respect for you. Understand that people know a people pleaser when they spot one.

If anything, they will only look down on you with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity. Moreover, you attract users and abusers. The term, “people pleaser” is just another word for “simp.”

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval or to avoid conflict. Realize that conflict is a part of life and you must gather the courage to deal with it.

Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

Here’s how to stop being a people pleaser:

1. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. However, people pleasers have no boundaries and other people quickly take notice of that, then take full advantage.

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect.

Setting boundaries, on the other hand, shows that you have self-respect. It also shows that you’re not afraid to make your needs a priority even if it makes other people angry.

Why? Because you fully understand that the reason these people become angry with you is because they’re afraid that the benefits they’ve been getting at your expense are about to stop.

Stop giving too much of yourself to people who don’t appreciate you. Also, stop giving at your own expense.

You must realize that how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Therefore, know that you deserve better!

2. Another way to Stop being a people pleaser is to Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents and older family members teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, if we overdo it, it can backfire.

Sadly, if you’re a victim of bullying, you probably apologize way too much because others have bullied you for so long. Consequently, all your over-apologizing only gives others the green light to  blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong.

Therefore, you must stop apologizing for things that don’t need an apology. Realize that this overwhelming urge to apologize needlessly is only a knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear.

Your incessant apologies are ways to appease others. Also, it’s a way to make them go away and leave you alone. So, you must address this fear and confront it head-on.

Understand that you don’t have to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with. There’s no need to apologize for anything that was beyond your control.

You must realize that over apologizing is a self-defeating habit. Moreover, regardless of what you might think, it won’t protect you from further abuse.

Even if, on the off chance, it does save you from retaliative abuse, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

Therefore, you must realize that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give bullies undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. Moreover, you display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less a victim.

3. Say no, and say it often.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Therefore, you must say no and say it often. And yes. This means gathering the courage to say no to people who are used to hearing yes. In other words, you must say no to people who probably don’t take no for an answer.

Therefore, saying no is risky, don’t get me wrong. However, saying yes to bullies and unsavory people won’t necessarily keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being but won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that bullies never make good on their promises that they’ll “leave you alone if you’ll only” do xyz, and the harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse still!

So, say no anyway. You may indeed end up with a shiner and a fat lip. However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Realize that saying yes to some people, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

Remember. The goal here is to take back your personal power and saying no is the most effective way to do it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that f you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

 The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and people who don’t value you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a parent raising children, or you have an ailing mother who depends on you, it’s only natural that you would put your family ahead of yourself- that’s a given. We all have an obligation to our families.

It’s also a given (or should be) that you always put God ahead of everyone else, including yourself. Again, that’s completely understandable, and more than that, it’s expected.

But when you’re in a toxic environment, around people who want to use and take you for granted, understand that you are top priority and to hell with them if they don’t like it.

Expect some, especially bullies and abusers, to tell you that putting yourself first is selfish or greedy. Because they will. They’ll say that taking care of yourself only means that you’re self-centered.

Bullies and abusers will tell you these lies to shame you into staying around and silently taking their abuse. However, don’t fall for that crap!

Continue to do you and the naysayers will eventually go away and find some other sucker to toy around with. That’s when you’ll know that you have taken back control of your life.

5. Make your needs a priority

This means that your needs come first, then you can take care of others if you must. Realize that constantly putting other’s needs before your own will only leave you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

How can you have time to pursue your own interests when people are constantly haranguing you for favors? When you make too much time for others, you’ll have no time left for yourself.

Therefore ,your own productivity goes down when you limit your own time for other people’s priorities.

Moreover, when you’re too available for others, your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you. Even worse, it will slowly erode your confidence and self-esteem.

 Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for meeting your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Practice these five steps and you will no longer be a people pleaser. Instead, you will have control of your life and ensure your own peace of mind.

This post was all about how to stop being a people pleaser so that you can free yourself from others’ demands and take back your freedom and peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

5. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

I Challenge You to Love Yourself

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When people target you for bullying, loving yourself can be very difficult. How can you feel good about yourself when it seems that the only thing you hear from others is negativity? People constantly bombarding you with ugly names, cruel taunts and attacks, even for a short time, makes life harder than what it needs to be.

However, over a long period of time,it can have a cumulative and devastating effect on your self-esteem. And if you aren’t careful, you too will begin to believe the cruel falsehoods that mean-spirited others tell you.

Nevertheless, no matter how viciously others may treat you, it’s imperative that you do everything possible to hold on to self-love! Even if you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and make positive affirmations.

Loving yourself is the most important thing you can ever do for yourself.

“I AM a good person”

“I AM worthy of being loved”

You must maintain your self-esteem and never let anyone brainwash you into thinking that you are less than.

 

You must love and respect yourself before anyone else can love and respect you. Also, you must take care of YOU. You must command respect and love from others, including toxic family members that you love dearly. And be willing to make some very difficult decisions in order to receive that love and respect.

Sometimes, you have to walk away, knowing full well that there is always a chance that the person may never see your worth. And this means coming to a place where you no longer care even the slightest about the outcome.

self-love sometimes means making difficult, even heartbreaking decisions.

However, there is a strong chance that your value will go up in that person’s eyes and they will eventually see your worth and treat you better than you ever thought possible. It may not happen overnight. In fact, it may take up to several years, but it can happen.

If, by chance, it does not happen, realize that you did not turn your back on the person because you did not love them, but only because they did not love you enough to treat you with the love and respect that you know in your heart of hearts that you deserve.

You must love yourself or nobody will love you. Never look outside of yourself for love and validation. Never depend on others for assurance of your value. Let love come from within your heart!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why You Should Unlock Your Confidence

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Confidence is the most important characteristic you can ever have. Not only does it ward off bullies in school, it brings you good things all through life. It does not matter how smart you are or how high your grades are.

You can have five PhDs and be the smartest person on the face of the earth. But if you don’t have confidence, you will not be able to effectively communicate nor interact with people. Your social/people skills will be lacking and you won’t get anywhere in life.

confidence brings positive change in your social life

Whether you choose to believe this, the reality is that other people really do have control over whether we succeed or fail in life. Other people are the gatekeepers to our success and if you think otherwise, you are only fooling yourself.

I’ll give you a few examples: You can’t get that high position you want without being selected for the job by another person- the interviewer, who could be the owner of the company, an HR manager, or supervisor.

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Even during school, although the vast majority of teachers and professors are honest and grade students fairly regardless of how they may feel about the individual, it’s still not unheard of for a student to receive a failing grade solely because the instructor didn’t like them. It does happen, though not often.

Confidence= great people skills= charm= great friends and connections= success!!! Great people skills will always trump smarts, good grades, high marks, and college degrees! Always!

confidence or lack of it always shows.

Confidence, or lack thereof, is something that people notice right away when they meet you for the first time. When you walk into a job interview and meet your interviewer, he is going to notice right away whether you are confident in yourself and if you’re not, chances are very unlikely that you will get hired for that esteemed position that you have been coveting. The reason for this is that if you’re not confident in yourself, how then can you expect others to be confident in you?

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Make no mistake about it. Confidence is the number one ingredient in all areas of your life. It’s the first trait that potential employers look for and not only potential employers but also prospective associates, prospective customers, friends, and dates. Whether or not you are confident is something that everyone looks at unless they are so low on confidence themselves that they can’t afford to be the least bit selective.

guard your confidence and self-esteem as you would your life!

This is why you must never let a bully take away your confidence. If another person has already taken it away, you must fight like crazy to get it back. You do this by surrounding yourself with people who love you and lift you up, doing the things you enjoy and are good at, showing off your talents, taking care of yourself, and taking pride in yourself and in your appearance. Only then will you begin to see your own worth.

If a person steals your confidence, they also steal your potential for success and happy life. In short, they steal your future. Bullies are confidence thieves! Never surrender your confidence to anyone! This brings me back to Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said it best when he made this quote:

“If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.”

How right he was!

Be Careful What You Put Up With

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Quote, "I deserve the best in life."

It’s best to begin standing up for yourself in the early stages or you’ll come across as a doormat to others. You will teach them how to treat you based on what they see. Sadly, many targets of bullying do not realize this until the bullying gets so out of control that their lives are in danger. By then, it’s usually too late to change anything and the only option left is for target to remove him/herself from the environment.

Furthermore, bullying always escalates and the more you ignore it, deny it, and tolerate it, the more emboldened, brazen, and full of themselves the bullies become until they become drunk on their own power. As a result, the abuse will get out of control and you’re most likely to end of getting severely hurt or worse.

Quote, "Be good to yourself today."

bullying is addictive because its all about power.

Bullying is like a drug. As we know, it takes one smoke, one drink, or one snort or two for a person to become hooked. Afterwards, they always want more. Likewise, it’s the same with bullying. All it takes is one backhanded compliment, one offhand comment, or one insult or two to get the target to react.  When the bullies get the reaction they want, they get that initial power high. Then, they always come back for more.

Also, drug addicts slowly build a tolerance to the drug, and, as time goes on, they need a bigger dose. First, they need one milligram, then two, then four, then eight, and on it goes. It’s no different with bullies. Just as it is with drug addicts with their drugs, bullies escalate the bullying, then escalate it further to keep getting that rush of power.

Quote, "Be real, be true, be yourself."

Bullying only escalates because, with time, bullies need bigger and bigger doses of power.

First, they start with offhand comments, backhanded compliments, and petty insults. Also, they may smear you to others and give you the silent treatment. When these lose their thrill, they escalate to yelling, cursing, and severe name-calling. Therefore, the verbal assaults become more blatant and hurtful.

Next, when blatant verbal abuse loses its luster, the bullying progresses to borderline physical abuse. Bullies will (accidentally on purpose) trip the target, lightly shove him, or run into him in the hallway.

Later, when bullies can no longer get their power rush from light physical bullying, they take it up, yet, another notch. They’ll progress to more obvious physical beatings- slapping, punching, choking, kicking, etc.

Once they get bored with this, they’ll begin using weapons. Bullies will hit with textbooks, slam heads against lockers or the sides of vehicles. Afterwards, they’ll use sticks, bottles, pipes, baseball bats, and so on.

Quote, "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect."

boundaries, respect yourself

So, understand that bullying and abuse always- always…escalates! In other words, it always gets worse and more severe. It also becomes more frequent!

The best time to stand up to bullying is during its earliest stages.

I’ve said it before, bullying is best countered and quashed in the earliest stages of it. The best time to stand up for yourself is during the “testing phrase”- when bullies are testing you to see what how you will react and what you’ll allow them to get away with.

You must stand up to bullies and abusers before they’ve had time to grow accustomed to abusing you.

Treat yourself better by not allowing others to abuse you, because how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Remember that you deserve better and you don’t have to put up with abuse from anyone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Gruesome Twosome: 2 More People to Avoid

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After writing and posting, “The Dirty Dozen: 12 Types of people You Should Avoid,” back in July, it dawned on me that there were two more types of people that we all should avoid, and they are as follows:

1.The person who makes you second choice.

If you have a so-called friend who only wants to talk to or spend time with you when their first option isn’t available, it’s time to walk away. Don’t be second fiddle. Don’t be somebody’s option B, C, or D.

I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I played second fiddle many times when I was young, and I caused others to do it too because I wasn’t very mindful of other people’s feelings at times. I was wrong for it. Get rid of the people who make you second choice. At the same time, don’t take the people who value you for granted because it hurts, and they deserve better from you.

 

2. The person who only comes around when they want something.

Realize that this person doesn’t really love you for you, but only sees you as a convenience. They only love you for what they can get from you. These are the kinds of people who only show up when they’re in a jam and they need money, advice, or help with something.

You’re not a bank, you’re not Dear Abby, and you’re not a go-to person when someone needs help with something. You’re much, much more than that. Sure. It’s great to want to help your family, friends, and your fellow man. Nothing wrong with that. But if they only take advantage of you, it’s time to cut them off and cut them loose!

create your value

Remember. You create your own value by how you allow others to treat you. Always value yourself and never settle for people who don’t see your worth but only see the convenience you provide. It’s not your job to make other people’s lives easier for them and it’s not your responsibility to make them feel better about themselves. Know your worth. Take back your self-respect and your power.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Meet Your Bullies Where They Are

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“What does this mean?” You may ask. It means that you must speak to the bully in the only language they understand.

Put simpler, when a bully is in your face, they will go no holds barred and you can’t afford to be nice about it. There is no being polite. There is no way to handle a bully “nicely” because they will only see that as weakness and use it to their advantage. Also, there is no being quiet because a bully will take your silence as being afraid.

In other words, never try to handle a bully politely. Again, you must speak to the bully in the only language they understand. And what they don’t understand is nice and polite.

For example, the bully is in your personal space and they’re cursing you out. That’s when you put your hand out like a traffic cop. Then, you tell them in no uncertain terms to get the hell out of your face.

Sometimes, nice and polite doesn’t work

Understand that once you’ve done everything to try and defuse the situation peacefully and the bully keeps coming back, it’s time to get down and dirty. Remember that you’re in a battle and when you’re in a battle, there’s no time to hold back and try to be the bigger person. Because when it reaches this level, that’s when things can get dangerous fast.

You must be willing to go off on the bully and think nothing of it. You have to call them out and you can’t do it being nice. Sometimes you need to get nasty. There are times you must get just as dirty as they do and to hell with what anyone else thinks. You’re in a situation where you could get hurt and you must protect yourself by any means necessary but legal. And self-defense is legal.

Remember that the only rights you have are those you fight for.

This is not the time to be concerned with what people think

In school, I have classmates tell me, “You shouldn’t have cursed so-and-so out because you only stoop to their (the bullies’) level.” Really? However, it’s funny how they never said a word to the bully, who had me backed in a corner and was unloading on me and all of a sudden, I was the bad guy for using bad words.

Realize that when you’re forced to get just as nasty as a bully, there will be people who try to tell you the same thing. Instead of worrying about their reaction, always come back with, “Funny, you never said a word during all the times they were doing the same to me, so you have nothing to say about my behavior. Now, get lost!” And say it with conviction and without guilt.

“It’s not ladylike,” they say? Well, it’s not ladylike for the bully either. It goes both ways.

It’s about putting yourself before them

Tell them how you feel and what you think of them because you can’t be nice when you’re dealing with people who wish to harm you. You have to get funky with it! You must put your bitch-face on when things get hot. When some schmuck is in your face, nice and polite goes out the window.

And once they find out that you aren’t as weak as they thought, they just might back off and think twice before confronting you again.

Therefore, meet the bully where they are.

A Bully’s Power is Your Lack of Knowledge

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If you are a target of bullying, you must have knowledge of not only where your bullies draw their power from, but where your own power comes from.

If you don’t know it, you must learn it. And once you do, you will disarm bullies from a very powerful tool. And that tool is your lack of knowledge. Realize that your lack of awareness of your own value, along with the bully’s nature, mindset, and tactics is their biggest power.

Therefore, when you understand the value that you bring and how bullies think and operate, their moves and power plays will no longer have any effect on you.

Again, your lack of knowledge of your own power and potential is the main area from where your bullies draw their power.

In other words, if you already know the bullies are bad news and that they aren’t worthy of your time nor consideration, they can’t get over on you. Why? Because it takes two to create a bullying incident- the bully and the target.

So, what pillars must you realize to understand your power?

1. Your goodness

2. Strength

3. Rights

In that, you know your value. And this is your power.

Additionally, when you don’t realize your value, that’s another one of the bullies’ greatest assets. And it’s why many targets simp out- they don’t know their value, rights, nor strength.

When You Simp, You Only Hand Over Your Power.

Many targets simp for approval, attention, and popularity and most don’t realize they’re doing it. In doing these things, you not only get worse abuse from the bullies, but you also lose respect from bystanders who would otherwise be friends and allies. Therefore, even the bystanders and witnesses will begin to mistreat you too. And that reason will be that you don’t respect yourself.

Understand that if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will respect you either.

Therefore, you must respect yourself and do it in the early stages of bullying. Because once the bullying has gone on for so long, it will be too late. And the way to self-respect is to have knowledge of your value and your power. Know your worth and you will know your power!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Instead of Wondering Whether They’ll Like You, Start Wondering Whether You’ll Like Them

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When you walk into a room, you shouldn’t wonder if the people there will like you; you should wonder whether you’ll like them. Whenever you get nervous upon meeting new people, the root of the nervousness is that you’re afraid they won’t like you. Don’t do that! Understand that when you worry about how others will perceive you, you’re taking value away from yourself and giving them too much of it! Not good!

Stop giving people you don’t know the worth they haven’t earned!

That’s right! When you meet new people, they (and you) are starting with a clean slate, and as far as you’re concerned, it’s up to them whether they fill that slate with negatives or positives. They must prove to you whether they’re people that you want in your life, not the other way around.

When you worry needlessly whether other people will like you, you give them all your power and leave none for yourself. And you’ll likely go out of your way to prove to them that you’re worthy of their time. Bullies will sniff that out, and they’ll take advantage of it.

Stop! It’s too much work, and it’s beneath you!

When I was a young teenager, I did the same because I didn’t know any better. And it cost me! Today, I’m the opposite. When I meet a new person, I wonder if I’m going to like them. If a person wants my friendship, trust, and my time, they have to earn them.

Be picky about who you allow in your life because you don’t want to let just anyone in! And you don’t want to let them in right away. Observe them first. Note their demeanor and how they carry themselves because it will tell you a lot.

Realize that when you make friends and associates, it’s because you chose them out of a vast number of people you’ve met.

Selectiveness adds value to a person. So, always value yourself.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

10 Things that Happen if You Don’t Love Yourself

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If you don’t love yourself, who will? And how can you love anyone else if you don’t first love yourself?

These are valid questions.

When someone doesn’t love themselves, we can tell. We can see it in their demeanor, their face, and their posture. We can hear it in their tone of voice and the way they talk. Why do you think these people attract users and abusers to them? Why do you think they end up with people who mistreat and control them?

Here’s what happens when you don’t love yourself:

1. You’re never able to properly love anyone else. You will be codependent- always searching to get love from another source- a source outside yourself, instead of letting love come from within. When you finally find someone who does love you, you won’t love them the way they need to be loved. Instead, you’ll only smother your partner to death because you’ll always have to be right there under the person’s nose.

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Also, you’ll be suspicious of others, wondering if your partner’s going to leave you or wondering if they’re cheating. You’ll wonder if your friends really like you or if they’re only pretending to. In essence, you’ll end up making a new partner or friend pay for something someone else did in the past and it’s not fair. Being in constant worry and suspicion is no way to live!

2. You rely too much on others to make you feel loved and wanted and be afraid of being alone. You will always believe that to be happy, you must always be one half of a couple. But understand that if you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship either.

3. You move too quickly into a relationship. Once you are in a relationship, you’ll love your partner more than they deserve and before they have time to earn that love. Also, you’re likely to scare the other person away. Realize that love needs time to grow.

4. You give away your power. When you give away your power, you automatically put yourself at the mercy of someone else. And believe me, they take full advantage. You put your own needs on the back burner and always put your partner before yourself, doing all the giving in the relationship in exchange for your partner’s love. You’ll even do things you really don’t want to do just to satisfy the other person.

You’ll stop making your own decisions and allow someone else to choose for you. You’ll also agree to every single thing he or she says. When you do this, you leave nothing for yourself. After a while, the feeling of unfairness will slowly build. Soon, you will become resentful after so long of not getting anything in return.

Never give another person that kind of power! You must have your own mind and be your own person.

5. Because you can never control how another person acts nor how they feel about you. What happens when your partner gets tired of you and decides he/she no longer wants to be with you? It will devastate you. It’s only natural that the end of any friendship or relationship is painful. But it should never be crushing. It should never feel like the end of the world.

6. You’ll be on an endless search for love and friendship. You’ll spend your whole life searching for love. That in itself is not only off-putting to others, but it’s also exhausting to you. You’ll waste your time, hopping from relationship to relationship.

When one partner gets bored with you and leaves for someone who challenges them, you’ll be on another search for someone else to take their place. And this cycle will only continue to repeat itself. Before long, you’ll have a string of broken relationships behind you. Not good!

7. You’ll settle for just anyone. And you’ll get even less than what you settled for. No one should settle. Ever! If the person isn’t the person you want or is less than what you thought they were, you’ll be much happier if you move on to something you really want. Always be selective of the friends and partners you choose and of the company you keep.

8. You attract takers instead of givers. Predatory people have a keen eye for those who are desperate to be loved and accepted. And they’ll sniff you from a mile away. These people will be more than happy to befriend or date you just to get what they want from you. Once they’ve used you long enough and bleed you dry of resources and dignity, they’ll only drop you and move on to the next poor sucker. When you stop being afraid of aloneness, you magically begin to repel predators and attract better people.

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9. You’ll repel the people who either do or would otherwise love and accept you. If by chance you happen to find someone who truly loves you, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy it. You’ll be so scared of losing the person that you’ll be too clingy and likely run them off because of your incessant neediness.

Understand that when you do this, you automatically make them responsible for your happiness and it’s not fair. Being held responsible for another person’s happiness is a heavy load for anyone to carry! You’ll only zap the other person’s energy as you expect them to fill a void that can’t be filled by anyone but you and God. Realize that only you are responsible for your happiness. No one else.

10. You stay in toxic relationships and put up with shabby treatment just to keep from being alone. You’ll likely end of with an abuser who’ll physically or mentally abuse you. Love and friendship shouldn’t be painful.

You may also end up with someone too lazy to work and who expects you to keep their worthless ass up. No one has to work that hard to keep any relationship and if you do, it’s a sign that you need to show somebody out the door- and fast.

The last thing you want is to be tied down to some broke chump who treats you like crap or won’t get off their dead ass and work to help pay the bills. I’ve seen this happen to so many people I’ve known in the past.

Being alone is a part of loving yourself. It’s not the worse thing that can ever happen to you. It’s very healthy sometimes because you get to know yourself during times of solitude.

But when you’re afraid of being by yourself, you’re likely to give others control of your life and put yourself at their mercy! STOP THAT! Never cheat yourself by settling for anything less than what you deserve!

Never put your happiness in someone else’s hands! Ever!

The Day I Stopped Caring What Others Thought

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When I stopped caring what others thought of me, I stopped apologizing for being me. Instead of hiding my flaws, I started embracing them. Instead of judging myself, I began loving and accepting myself- all aspects, the good and the not-so-good. I started living up to my own standards and experiencing life on my terms.

When I stopped worrying needlessly about what people thought, I set myself free from the chains of fear and anxiety and was no longer a slave to others’ opinions and approval. I no longer felt the need to walk on eggshells and hide my natural humanness. I stopped feeling like I wasn’t good enough and comparing myself to others. I no longer allowed anyone else to dictate what I should say, do, think, or feel.

I began permitting myself to make mistakes because we all make them whether or not some of us admit it. Even better, I started learning from those mistakes and seeing them as life lessons, rather than defects or screw-ups. I finally accepted that I’m not and never will be perfect. Who is?

Silhouettes of hands are breaking the chain—freedom concept.

I learned that like, and dislike is subjective, never personal. I accepted that not everybody was going to like me and was not only okay with it but embraced it! Because if you don’t have people who don’t like you, you’re not doing something right- in one area or another, you’re not your true, authentic self.

I permitted myself to follow my heart, sing, dance, speak my piece, and yes! Even be a little weird. In all this, I took back control of my life and found freedom I’d never known.

The day I stopped caring what people think was the day I got my life back, and slowly but surely, my bullies began to disappear. I began to feel beautiful, smart, and, best of all, equal.

Positive things started coming my way magically and seemingly without effort. I began attracting the right people into my life- genuine people who were loving, caring, uplifting, and inspiring. Existing relationships drastically improved. An abundance of opportunities and blessings flowed into my life. I began seeing wins and successes that were very rewarding and fulfilling, which only encouraged me to stretch my imagination, take more risks, and try new things.

Today, I look back and ask myself why. Why did I even give a crap what my bullies and others- people who meant absolutely jack to me and could do nothing for me, thought of me?

They weren’t my family or friends.
They didn’t pay my bills.
They didn’t sign my paycheck every week.
They didn’t hold my life in their hands.
And they most certainly weren’t people I cared anything about.

I wasted a lot of time and energy, which I can never get back, worrying needlessly about what people thought of me. The truth of it is that most of those people nor their opinions were never even worth my consideration.

The only opinions that matter are those of my God, my family, my husband, and my closest and most trusted friends. And the only things that matter are my faith in God, my dreams, my morals, taking care of the people I love, my ability to be the best me I can be, and my desire to extend kindness and reach out and help those who need me. Anyone or anything outside of that is irrelevant.

I Never Wish I’d Been More Popular, I Wish I’d Loved and Respected Myself

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I wish I had put myself first.

I wish I’d said “NO” a lot more than I did.

I wish I had been true to my own heart.

And I wish I had known my worth and realized my full potential.

In a nutshell, I wish I had been better at being me. But we all wish we’d done these things when we get older, don’t we? That we’d done something a little different- a bit better?

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown a very thick skin and learned to handle any confrontation with composure and aplomb. As we get older, we shed that shell we curled up and hid in when we were younger. We grow to love and accept ourselves as we are and become comfortable in our own skins and let me tell you! It’s immense freedom that you can’t describe!

I’ve learned that the reason people bully is not because of something the victim has said or done and that it is not the fault of the victim.

The reason bullies bully is because they have issues, whether it be a bad case of narcissism, low self-esteem, problems at home, jealousy of something the victims have that they don’t, or they have something to prove. I’ve learned that bullies, at their very core, are great big cowards and attention-seekers. That knowledge alone is freeing!

Just knowing why unsavory people do harm only serves as a huge buffer to any psycho/emotional blows.

Today, I no longer get bullied by anyone, but if anyone tries, I am easily able to swiftly put the person in their place, or laugh and blow the idiot off. Instead of getting hurt or angry, I get amused by them and am usually able to have fun with it.

Unfortunately, that takes time, learning, and most of all experience. I feel a sense of regret when I think of all the years I spent feeling insecure and sorry for myself. What a total waste of my time and energy!

You mustn’t take anything your bullies say as the truth. You must know that their actions or words have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them! Hey! I know it’s hard not to, and I know it hurts. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself when it seems that everyone, from every direction, is bombarding you with negativity.

However, I want you to love yourself and see the bullies for who they truly are- pathetic souls who are so desperately trying to look tough, smart, or cool. I want you to understand that bullies are trying their hardest to get attention. You must know your value. You also need to realize that some people are just wrong for you and do not belong in your life!

Most of all, rest assured that you will eventually find people who are right for you. And when you do, they will love you for being your loveable, beautiful, intelligent, and awesome self! There will come a day when you will be loved, appreciated, and celebrated for all that you are!

It happened to me, and if you don’t give up, it will happen to you too! You are worth fighting for! You are worth living for!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Problem with Looking Outside of Yourself for Your Value

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Bullying is hurtful no matter how confident you are, that much is true. We’re all human and we all have feelings and emotions. However, the effects of it are even more damaging when we’re insecure and only look outside of ourselves for our value, in fact, the damage to the self-esteem is exponentially higher.

The problem is that when you look outside of yourself for your value, you automatically look to others to give it to you. And when you do this, you put yourself at their mercy.

Therefore, I have repeatedly emphasized over six years of blogging that knowing your worth is your foundation and that it’s never good to look outside of ourselves for it. Understand that your value, or worth, whatever term you prefer, comes from within and never from without.

Here’s why it’s better to let your value come from the inside:’

1. You can never control the environment around you. Many times, we will find ourselves in toxic environments full of poisonous people, whether it be the school we attend, the company we work for, or the home or neighborhood we live in. When you know yourself and, in that, know your value and let it come from the inside, any bullying or abuse you’re likely to get from others won’t have such an impact on you.

It will hurt, yes. But it won’t be nearly as devastating and cause you to suppress as much of yourself because, deep down, you’ll know who you are and that the people around you are only saying the things they say to diminish you.

Also, when the crap gets too thick, you’ll know when it’s time to bail out of the environment. In knowing yourself and knowing your worth, you’ll realize that you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and that you’re better off leaving this cesspit and moving on to greener pastures.

And you’ll do it without feeling guilty- you’ll do it knowing that it isn’t because you’re “chicken” or “running away from your problems” but because you deserve better. You’ll know what’s best for you, and that it’s because you’re looking out for the best interests of your health.

2. You can never control others’ behavior and how they think of you. And because of this, it’s never good to rely on the approval of others for your value. Understand that there will always be people who don’t like you and some who even hate you and when you depend solely on the approval of others, you make yourself a doormat. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, don’t give another person that kind of power!

When your value comes from within, you will have respect for yourself, you will love yourself and you will have great self-esteem. You will give yourself compassion and care when others take pot shots at you. You will have the confidence and courage to protect yourself and stand up to abuse. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that the idiots around you are the ones who have the issues and not you.

Your value should always from you. Never from another. You get your value from knowing who you are and knowing that you were put on this earth for a good reason. Realize that everyone serves a good and higher purpose here. You may or may not know what that purpose is, but you are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and fulfill it. And know your value!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

2 Reasons Why Bullies Like to Target Classy Chicks and Good Girls

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Before I start, I want everyone to know that in no way am I judging anyone who is sexually liberated. If it’s what makes you happy, then do your thing. Live how you want because we all have free will. So, I won’t attempt to do a job that’s only God’s to do.

But when bullies who are sexually liberated (and the vast majority of them are) mistreat and label classy women and good girls because they choose not to live the same lifestyle as they do and to save themselves for true love, that’s when I’m going to have something to say and I can tell you that some people won’t like it.

So, here goes.

Have you noticed that it’s almost never the not-so-good women and butt-floss wearing females who get targeted for bullying? It seems that it’s mostly the girls who are discreet and have self-respect who are the worst treated. They’re excluded, ridiculed, and made to feel like they don’t matter. Moreover, it seems to be the former who go after the latter.

But why?

1.Pop culture and music. We get subliminal messages from the music, movies, TV, and other media outlets that push the narrative that it is okay to act like a, dare I say, “ho.” Girls listen to a lot of “thot-pop” and watch videos of overrated stars like Cardi B and Miley Cyrus, who bare it all and commit blatant sexual acts for all the world to view right from their livingrooms. Who remembers either watching or hearing of Cardi B’s raunchy performance with Megan whatshername live to her infamous “WAP” song?

Sadly, our girls are getting the message that it’s okay, and worse, completely normal to let it all hang out and to act inappropriate in public- that it’s completely fine to cheapen themselves and make themselves nothing more than a sex object- that it’s better to use your behind rather than your mind to get ahead in life. Society is embracing the wrong values and bullies are persecuting the classy ladies who don’t or won’t jump on board the illicit “sexualize yourself” bandwagon.

(This?)

(or this?)

The running narrative is that anything goes, and that showing belly, boobs, and butt is what it takes to get a man, when, in reality, no guy who’s worth his salt would even consider a long-term relationship, much less marriage with such a woman.

2. Bullies and sadly, most of society, are under the false belief that classy women are old-fashioned and boring. It’s no secret that bullies prioritize the wrong things (attention, approval, admiration, and popularity). So, they’re all for engaging in indecent behavior and stripping down to nothing if it will get them lots of those social benefits. Because bullies are all about being idolized and worshiped while sneering at others who aren’t ratchet and slutty like they are.

But! Here’s the thing. Maybe, just maybe, it isn’t only that bullies consider classy women and good girls to be old-fashioned and boring. It just might be that bullies know that classy women and good girls would never bow down and worship them- these are the females who won’t give them the validation they’re seeking and worse, who might reject them! Gasp!

So, again. Why do people bully good girls and classy women?

Because a good, classy, down-to-earth lady respects herself too much to kneel before anyone. And the narcissistic she-bullies are more than likely to be the butt-cheek baring, all-eyes-on-me, girls. And the lady deems attentions-seekers to be of the lowest common denominator. Therefore, such females aren’t worth her time, and the she-bullies know that and are angered by it.

God forbid that anyone they deem inferior rejects them. I mean, think about it. Maybe that’s why these she-bullies are so hell bent on bringing the decent and classy women down is because, deep down, they know these women already look poorly on them. They have an I’m-gonna-get-you-before-you-get-me kind of attitude.

So, to all the good, decent, and self-respecting classy young ladies out there, this is my message to you.

Know that your worth is so much higher than the she-bullies and their tomcat male counterparts who bully you. Because you have standards, a strong sense of self and know that you’re not sex objects, you chose to expose your mind and not your behind. And one day, it will be highly valued by a real man who truly deserves you and wants to love you.

Know that your worth isn’t determined by the eye candy and cheap appearances you can offer men, nor is it determined by what you can do for them. Your worth is determined by what you can do for yourself and how well you treat yourself and others.

That’s why the best thing you can do is to be a lady because it is the ladies who end up being the winners. They don’t have to resort to cheapening themselves to get male attention or to fit in and they don’t accept attention from the cheap tomcats who crawl up behind the she-bullies.

The beautifully decorated, yet half-naked she-bullies are a dime a dozen. The she-bully only attracts the dogs- the beta-men who only pose as alphas- the cheap playboys who are only there to hit it then quit it.

But a lady is a keeper. She’s not a one-date wonder or a one-night stand because she knows she’s worth more than just her body. The lady doesn’t care what petty people think of her. She doesn’t give a hoot that the she-bullies and their tomcats look down their noses at her because they don’t matter.

It is the lady, the once-bullied classy chick and good girl who will score a high-value man because she is a high-value woman. And because of this, the lady will live a good life because she has good morals she chooses to live by. And the morals they have are, in fact, so strong that they’re unchanged by the decaying society in which we unfortunately live.

Instead of being half-naked to fit in, the lady will stand out by keeping her clothes on. This doesn’t mean she dresses like a nun, but she keeps it classy. And that’s why you’re already ahead of the game.

She-bullies are only good for a one-time roll in the sack.

Ladies, on the other hand, are wife for life material.

I can’t stress this enough. Don’t let the desire to fit in cause you to relax your values, your morals, your beliefs, and your convictions. Hold on to your standards. Things may be lonely for you now but the things about you that your bullies snub and ridicule will be the very qualities that real people, men and women, with strong beliefs, values, and confidence will cherish. You just wait!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

28 Affirmations That Help Boost Confidence and Self-Esteem

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I love being me – positive affirmation – handwriting on napkin with a cup of coffee

Affirmations That Help Boost Confidence and Self-Esteem

NOTE: Parts of this blog post references the following:

(“Stopping Wife Abuse,” Jennifer Baker Flaming, 1979, p.64)

(“The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” Patricia Evans, 2010, p.149)

1.I am not to blame for being bullied.

2. I am not the cause of someone else’s abhorrent behavior.

3. I deserve to be free from bullying and abuse.

4. It is okay for me to say “no” to what I don’t like nor want.

5. I do not have to take it.

6. I am important.

7. I am worthwhile.

8. I deserve to be treated with respect.

9. I have the power to create a good life for myself.

10. It’s okay for me to take care of myself.

11. Only I can decide what’s best for me.

12. I’m not alone. I have people who love me.

13. I am worth fighting for.

14. I deserve to be safe.

15. I deserve to be happy.

16. I am beautiful.

17. I am smart.

18. I am a good person.

19. I can live my life the way I want and on my terms.

20. I am loved.

21. It’s okay to love myself.

22. It’s okay to celebrate myself.

23. It’s okay for me to make mistakes.

24. It’s okay to put myself first.

25. It’s okay to protect and defend myself.

26. It’s okay to ask for help.

27. My life matters.

28. I matter.