Tag: self-preservation

self-preservation

20 Things You Must Always Remember If You’re a Target of Bullying

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1.None of the bullying you suffer is your fault.

2. There is nothing wrong with you.

3. You don’t have the issue. Your bullies do.

4. It’s not about you. It’s about them.

5. You are enough.

6. You matter.

7. You have value.

8. You are worthy of love and friendship.

9. You are beautiful.

10. You are awesome.

11. You are stronger and braver than your bullies ever will be.

12. The things your bullies ridicule now will be the things people will love you for later.

13. You can do a lot more than you think you can.

14. Much bullying comes from either jealousy, fear, or insecurity.

15. You’re much smarter than they give you credit for.

16. You are here for a great purpose.

17. You still have people who love you and who believe in you.

18. The best are always treated the worst.

19. You are more powerful than you realize.

20. It may not seem like it at present, but life will eventually get better.

Why Self-Love Doesn’t Mean Self-Centered

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Some people get the two confused. Loving yourself doesn’t mean you’re self-centered. But you can bet that bullies will accuse their target of it when they realize she’s growing a backbone.

Understand that when you start loving yourself enough not to take your bullies’ opinions of you seriously, the bullies will take notice of it right away. They’ll realize that they no longer have power over you. To get that power back, they will try like the devil to guilt you by accusing you of either selfishness or self-centeredness.

Don’t fall for that con game! When bullies lose the benefits they’ve grown accustomed to getting at your expense, they always get irate. Right or wrong, whenever someone has had power over another person for a long time and has gotten used to having that power, then suddenly loses it, of course, they’re going to be upset- and intensely so.

But don’t concern yourself with how your bullies feel. After all, they never gave a thought to your feelings the entire time they jerked you around.

Ditch these people! The sooner, the better! You’re not being selfish by choosing to put yourself first. What you’re doing is having the courage to love yourself and treat yourself better.

Realize that the bullies are the self-centered ones, in expecting you to go on being their doormat. No one has the right to expect you to put up with something they wouldn’t tolerate if it were happening to them.

To expect any differently from another person than what they’d do shows a complete lack of respect for people other than themselves and is sheer arrogance, self-entitlement, and stupidity.

There’s a name for this- double-standard!

Remember that we teach others how to treat us. And how we teach them to treat us is by how well we treat ourselves- by the boundaries we set, our ability to say “no,” and whether we continue to allow them to be in our lives.

So, treat yourself well! You’re worth it!

The More Bullies Tighten Their Fists, The More Like Water You Become

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Like I did, you will only run through their fingers and out of their hands. My classmates couldn’t hold me. I flowed over and around them. Understand that sometimes, in their efforts to tighten their grip, bullies only create defiant and sneaky targets who find their way around them.

Because some targets refuse to be controlled. I was one of them.

When your bullies try to silence you and prevent you from speaking against the abuse, you can find another way to communicate. I chose to write about it instead, being sure to keep a backup journal at home in case my primary journal came up missing. You can also do this, or you can speak out through music and song, artwork, such as drawings and paintings. There are so many vehicles through which you can speak out.

I took advantage of the fact that my bullies were flawed humans just like I was- and that they couldn’t read my mind nor control my thoughts.

When your bullies trash your reputation at school, make friends outside that toxic environment– out of kids who don’t attend your school. It’s what I did. I also dated guys who were of college-age and were past high school.

If you’re old enough to have a driver’s license or work after school,  opportunities for an after school job in your community may be nil, but your attempts to get one in the next town will more than likely be successful and you can make many friends there.

And here’s the miracle that happened twenty years lately when I endured horrible rashes of cyberbullying (keep in mind that some of the attackers online were former schoolmates), I handled it with smarts and class, which only brought me many allies who defended me– people from all over the country! And I’m still friends with those people today.

Yes, sometimes, things may look hopeless, but they can turn out for the best.

I want you to realize that if you think hard, there’s always a way around the stigma if you’re bullied. So, do what you must do for self-preservation. Dig those heels in, double down, and become like water that only runs through your bullies’ hands.

Don’t give up! There’s always hope!

You Have a Right to Respond in Kind When Someone Mistreats You

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There’s absolutely nothing wrong with responding in kind when someone tries to mistreat you. It shows that you command the dignity and respect that’s due to the next person and that you won’t tolerate crap from bullies. It also shows that you have the guts to stand your ground when some creep violates your boundaries.

As a society, we’ve been conditioned by politicians, the media, corporations, educators, and even certain members of our families that responding in kind only makes us as bad as the bullies. And we’re still being conditioned to believe it. We’re being told to “ignore” people’s atrocious behavior, and in some cases, even submit to it.

However, I want you to understand that the only thing bullies understand is strength and power and anyone they deem as weak is fair game.

Therefore, if you don’t respond in kind to bad behavior, bullies will get the message that there are no consequences for their abuse and that they can walk on you anytime they feel like it. There’ll be no stopping them from escalating the bullying and no limit to what they’ll try next.

Full Length of Two Adult Woman Standing Side by Side with Hands on Hips in Separate Lanes of Outdoor Running Track – Two Friends Sizing Up Competition

You must set boundaries, and how you set boundaries is by imposing consequences on anyone who violates those boundaries. But how do you impose consequences? By responding in kind to bullies when they cross the line.

Notice I say “respond” and not react. By responding the right way, you show that you’re not afraid to stand your ground and that you command the same dignity and respect given to the next person.

There’s no law that says that you must accept abuse from anyone. Yet, we’re very subtly being told that we should take it, and with a smile, and a yes sir/ma’am, then ask for seconds. In today’s world, society tries to dictate that we should agree to abuse.

Um- no! That’s now how life or human nature works! Every action is followed by a response!

Bullies must realize that there are consequences if they harm another person. And we must realize that it is the threat of consequences that keeps the bad guys from coming for us and keeps us safe. Without accountability, there would be chaos and anarchy! Bullies would have free reign over us all.

So, never be afraid to respond in kind and never feel guilty for it. It’s normal, expected, and it’s how you defend yourself and treat yourself well.

The more you know…

Why Many Targets of Bullying Find it Necessary to Lie

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I’ve never told one lie in my entire life, and that’s no lie!

Ha! Shyeah, right!

Let’s face it, we’ve all told some big ones in our lives, myself included and yes, even you have. No one is perfect and there are many reasons why people lie- too many to list.

As we all know, bullies and abusers are notorious liars and they do it without even a shred of conscience. The scary thing about it is that they’re good at lying, and their talent for telling such convincing falsehoods is what makes them so dangerous. And why not, bullies and abusers have been telling fibs all their lives.

They’ve had so many years of practice, they’ve gotten deception down to a fine art. In other words, they’ve become masters at it!

We also know why bullies and abusers lie. They don’t only lie to cover their butts and conceal wrongdoings, imperfections, and shortcomings; but also, to discredit their victims, defame others, assassinate people’s character, and ruin their reputations and lives.

However, many targets of bullying also lie. But they lie for totally different reasons.

Targets of bullying don’t like having to tell falsehoods. In fact, they hate it! But they do out of fear and terror. They lie out of desperation. You see, a person who is under the threat of being harmed will do anything to remove that threat. And if they have to lie to save themselves, they’ll do it.

Many targets of bullying must tell lie after lie just to survive! Sadly, most people who are bullied feel like they must lie to protect themselves because they know that truth could get them hurt. Or they lie to make the bullying stop.

Sadly, lying becomes a survival method and, even worse, a terrible habit that’s hard to break.

I must confess that this was me years ago. During the years I was bullied, I felt I also had to lie to ensure my personal safety, and it sucked. A lot of my relationships suffered in the process, and I lost a lot of people.

After years of being bullied, I became a very sneaky and wile person. I used craftiness and cunning to get through a normal school day. I felt I had to use trickery and con games just to survive each day and I’m not proud to admit this today.

If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: The people you feel you must lie to have power over you. They control your life. In other words, by lying, you make yourself a subject.

Here’s another thing you should remember:

People with any common sense can tell when they’re being played. And lies have a way of unraveling. Falsehoods are also hard to maintain, and you must tell another lie to cover up the first one. In other words, it’s a lot of work to maintain a lie.

Eventually, I came to realize these important facts. There finally came a time when I began to ask myself these questions:

“Who are these people that I should have to lie?”

 “Why must I work so hard to hide stuff instead of being myself and being free?”

“Who do I have anything to hide from?”

“Why should I give up my power to people who have no business having it?”

That’s when I got sick of it and said, “screw this!”

Lying is too much work and it’s stressful too. And it’s a shame that more don’t learn that lesson. I’m so glad that I now have the confidence to be honest without feeling the need to apologize for it.

Today, I know that I have nothing to hide from anyone, and that means I have nothing to lie about. If they can’t handle the truths of my reality, then screw them. They don’t pay my bills, nor do they sign my paychecks. They have no authority over me and no bearing on my life whatsoever.

And even if they did, I wouldn’t feel the need to lie to them about anything.

Being myself and standing in my truth allow me to relax and live in peace and harmony. There’s no need to scramble to cover up any lies and it’s the life I love and want to continue to live.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Sometimes Self-Care Means Making Heartbreaking Decisions

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Once you choose not to be a target anymore, you must realize that you may have to make very tough, even heartbreaking decisions. You will more than likely have to weed certain people out of your life for good, and sadly, some of those people may even be people you love very much.

You can still love them, ‘nothing wrong with it. However, as much as you may love them, they are not always healthy for you to be around.

It was a decision that I had to make with a family member twenty years ago and again seven years ago. And let me tell you, it was an excruciating decision. And when we stopped talking, I missed them very much.

No, worse. I mourned the person deeply. Even after all the cutting remarks, they had made toward me and a few others I loved, I still mourned them. It was akin to having a death in the family.

There’s no pain like mourning someone who’s still alive.

In both cases, we did not speak to one another for a few years. And we were not welcome in each other’s homes. During those two years, I would pass this person by in the supermarket, the gas station, or on the road somewhere while driving from time to time. No, “Hi. How are you?”. No honk and wave. Nothing.

We would both just turn our heads and go on about our business. And I would feel my heart sink into my stomach and fight back the tears, knowing that there was a possibility that we would never speak again.

There was always that dreadful “Could I have done something different” feeling, which always seemed to rear its ugly head. Feelings of guilt would emerge even in the midst of knowing I had done the best that I possibly could.

Many of you may be going through something similar but do not lose heart. Your relationship with your estranged loved one is still repairable. I am blessed to be able to say that this story has a very happy ending to it.

After another family member had gotten sick, I received a call from my loved one, and we reconciled, apologized, and forgave one another. After the reconciliation, I made sure that I could lend a helping hand in taking care of our sick family member, and we became close again.

Now, we are closer than EVER! We visit each other, we talk on the phone, and we never hesitate to tell each other how much we love one another. From this, I learned a very powerful lesson.

Hit the road concept, road – 3D rendering

That lesson is this:

Sometimes, it takes a separation to bring people closer. Although painful when it happens, walking away may actually be a great thing and produce awesome results later on. Anytime you walk away, your value and the other person’s value often go up, and in time, you both learn to respect one another. Then you love each other even more than you did before.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

When the Target is Made Out to Be the Bad Guy

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When the target has had enough of being bullied and abused, and he/she snaps and overreacts, bystanders and authority are often under the delusion that the target’s reaction takes away from the fact that people have mistreated and abused them for such a long time- that it somehow detracts from the truth that it was the bullies who drove them to overreact.

As a result, many targets stop defending themselves because of this very thing. It seems that every time they stand up for themselves, even if they did it in a calm manner, they were punished for it.

Therefore, targets feel they have no other choice than to stay silent. They are forced to resign themselves, stay quiet, and do what the bullies want, which is to allow them to continue to bully and abuse.

The fear of being made the villain, no matter what they do, supersedes their natural desire to self-defend. In their silence, targets hope that other people will see by their passivity that they really are, in fact, the victim. But, in most cases, this doesn’t work either.

The target is damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

But understand that bullies use this as a weapon. If they can make you look like the instigator when you defend yourself, they then become brazen and have carte balance to bully you more frequently, more severely, and more openly.

People will believe what they want to believe about you and if they want to think that you’re crazy, arrogant, whatever, there’s not much you can do but to not associate with them.

However, you must, no matter how they shout you down and no matter how they blame and punish you, tell your side of the story. You must speak out about the abuse even if no one wants to listen to it.

Just the having your say alone can give you such a relief. The fact that you got it off your chest and out in the open keeps you from internalizing everything and your self-esteem from being destroyed. This is all a part of self-care.

And when you’re against these types of odds, self-care is the most important. Realize that, although the bullies may never change their behavior toward you, they can never stop you from taking care of yourself. In these situations, all you have is you. So, practice self-care. Show yourself compassion and do what you must do to preserve your safety and mental health. Be your own best friend. Fight for yourself.

You’re worth fighting for. Don’t you think? I do.

What Do You Do Once You Leave a Toxic Workplace?

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You’ve worked for a toxic company for three years. You’re out of a job because your bully boss either fired you or you get fed up, pulled a Johnny Paycheck, and told your tyrant boss to “take this job and shove it” and, in essence, fired him.

So, how do you get a new job, knowing that the honest thing to do is to put the hell-hole you just escaped from down as a previous employer and your former boss’s name on the line in the application that’s labeled “supervisor”?

Well, let’s be real here. Sometimes honesty’s not the best policy. After all, you and your family have to eat. Right?

So, if you’re the unethical type, here are a few underhanded things you could do. Because unethical or not, you have to survive somehow.

bye goodbye

1. Omit the workplace altogether. Yeah, it sucks. It’s not ‘the right thing to do,’ but what else do you have to lose? If you’re a married mother or grandmother, all the better. Just fill in the blanks with a homemaker and stay-at-home mom. Who’s going to question that? Yeah, you could hit a roadblock when the interviewer asks you about any experience! But again, they might give you a try! You never know! The object is to avoid a crappy report from your former boss.

2. Go to work for the competition. There’s less chance a competitor will take the word of their opponent. Also, you can sneakily give secrets away and help your new employer drive the other guy out of business. At least you’ll get a little justice!

3. Tell your new employer you were self-employed. If you were your own boss, who are they going to call for a work reference? Tell a good story, and make sure you have a good backup. Maybe you had an excellent blog and it got shut down by Google because Google made changes to its policies?

workplace bullies back stabbers gossips

back-stabbing colleagues threatening employee with scissors and knife

4. If you have a family member or friend who owns a business, have them be a job reference for you. They can give you a good report, and your chances of getting the gig will be higher.

Hey, desperate times, desperate measures. And if you want to work again, you must get around the bully boss any way you can.

Sometimes you must get as dirty as your BB because he will be waiting on a call from a potential employer once you’re gone. Your old bully will be looking for another chance to block you from future prospects. He may even try to blacklist you.

If you disappear from his radar by omitting him and his company from any job applications, it will be harder for him to reach out and touch you.

bullying boss

Strict Boss: Angry upset young business woman with blank speech bubble on white on gray background. Vector illustration.

5. Hire yourself. Yes. If you can, start your own business and work like the devil to build it. Then, if you’re lucky, five years from now, when you run into your old dictator at the local gas station while he’s putting gas in his suped-up Harley or sportscar, you can thank him for inspiring you to go into business for yourself and make it. And you can smile as you watch his face contort!

There’s no guarantee that the first four are going to work and you might even get fired from your new job if your old bully boss finds out where you’re working and decides to give your new employer a call.

But at least you will have bought yourself some time and put off going broke for a little while longer.

*Tips 1, 3, and 4 are satirical of course*

Why I Won’t Attend My 30th High School Reunion

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If you’ve read this blog for long enough, I’m sure you can already guess the answer to that question. “Why not?” you may ask?

There are several reasons:

1.I’d be a fool if I ever trusted them again. And I’d be a damn fool to put myself into a situation where I’d either get sucked into any petty drama or worse- hurt! And if they expect any trust from me, it’s too late. They should’ve have earned it by acting better.

2. Most of my classmates haven’t changed a bit since high school. Many are still the same drama-filled buffoons they were in high school. Only they’ve gotten older and less attractive over the years. They’ve gone from being obnoxious and self-absorbed punks to being angry and bitter mid-lifers who are resentful and crotchety because their lives didn’t turn out like they had thought. And they wouldn’t think twice about causing harm if it meant they could relive the glory days of high school.

3. Also, at high school reunions, people tend to regress into kids again. This little gathering would only be an opportunity for most of the classmates to compare themselves and their lives with one another.

4. Most of them will probably be drinking excessively, which, at our age, equals unattractive, obnoxious, and stupid. And it also means a higher intolerance of liquor than the good old days and being hungover and puking the next day. No, thank you! ‘Not my scene!

5. The reunion would, more than likely, be nothing more than a circus of posturing, showboating, and one-upmanship, where, figuratively, all the women would only talk about who’s gotten fat, who’s got the most wrinkles, and who’s had facelifts, tummy tucks, and boob-jobs. The men would probably only brag about who’s made the most money, who has the most sex, and who can still achieve an erection. And I have no time to listen to a bunch of drunken, and middle-aged adults compare bank accounts, waist measurements, or penis sizes.

6. I forgive my classmates, yes. But it doesn’t mean I desire to play footsie with any of them. Again, many of them will probably be getting sloppy drunk and puking their guts out around a huge bonfire, and they will probably talk about the same boring crap over and over again. And I’ve got better things to do.

So, with that said, anytime you don’t feel safe going to a particular function, trust your instincts and don’t go!

If anyone tries to talk you into going to a gathering of any kind and you know specific people are going to be there- particularly people who’ve brought you drama and those you wouldn’t trust to shovel manure, there’s nothing wrong with rejecting the invite.

Self-care is of the utmost importance. And if going to any function means that you must be around people who’ve given you no reason to trust them, then you have not only a right, but an obligation to yourself not to go!

And if they get offended or angry with you for declining, all the more reason you shouldn’t go! Remember that your safety and peace of mind comes first!

Faking a Surrender to Bullies to Trick Them into Leaving You Alone

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Is there ever a time when you should surrender to a bully? The answer is yes, or at least make it look like you’re surrendering to them. In life, there are times when we should pick and choose our battles- to decide whether to fight back or leave well enough alone. It is a must when your bullies are extremely powerful because it isn’t smart to fight them and give them a chance to defeat you.

Sometimes real power comes with swallowing your pride and giving in to them first. When you do this, you’ll only enrage the bullies and throw them off-kilter because they were looking for a fight and so sure they’d get one but didn’t.

There’s no point in fighting an unwinnable battle. Showing weakness can be a strength if you know how to use it correctly.

When you surrender (or make it look as if you do), you give yourself time to recuperate and time to torture and irritate your bullies subtly. You can sneakily sabotage your bullies in ways they’d never expect nor detect. Maybe you can get what you can out of the surrender, then fight later when your bullies are not so strong. Believe it or not, bullies do eventually lose power.

You don’t surrender because you give up. You do it to humor your bullies and lull them into a false sense of complacency- to fool them into thinking they’ve won. Understand that bullies are continually trying to show dominance and superiority, and if you make it look like you surrender to them, it’ll be so easy to trick them.

Being submissive to them (for the time being) makes them feel satisfied and powerful. In this, the bullies become easier targets for a later countermove or indirect ridicule.

For example, You surrender, and the bullies let you walk away. But as you turn and walk away, you can cut a silent fart in their general direction, and they won’t think it came from you. They’ll only be looking at each other and wondering who dealt it.

Silent ridicule works wonders for self-esteem!