5 Things That Happen to Survivors Who Never Heal from Bullying and Abuse

I don’t want to imagine where I’d be if I never healed from the bullying I suffered in the past. It’s not something l like to think about and it isn’t something I enjoy bringing up. However, I feel I’d be doing you a huge disservice if I didn’t.

If you were bullied at some point and you did the inner work and healed from it, you are one of the lucky blessed and I extend my congratulations to you.

But sadly, many survivors of bullying never heal, and I can only feel terrible for them. Because these people go their entire lives, dragging so much pinned up anger, resentment, sadness, and depression with them. Those emotions tend to fester into powerlessness- they simply don’t know what to do to make their lives better and achieve happiness and prosperity. Others only let it make them unfeeling and uncaring- and this second set of survivors often find prosperity and success, but they don’t find happiness.

So, what do these unhealed survivors do end up doing and where do they end up?

1. They join gangs. Many times, when a person has been bullied and hasn’t healed, they often join to get the sense of friendship, unity, belonging, and empowerment they were for so long denied. In a gang, these survivors are ensured protection from further bullying. And they use fear to get that protection.

2. They join extremist groups. Because these survivors were bullied terribly and never healed from it, they often feel a sense of unfairness and injustice. So, they take up a cause. Don’t get me wrong. Taking up a cause can be a wonderful and constructive way to deal with pain and trauma. But extremist groups are never good because they have a tendency for violence.  In joining extremist groups, survivors also get the friendship, support, alliance, and power they couldn’t get before.

Interior of cell block in abandoned State Correctional Institution, or jail., common room with jail cel

3. They end up in jail. Remember a few posts back, when I mentioned that anyone who is consistently told they’re bad, crazy, or evil will begin to exhibit behavior which matches the labels? When people are made to feel that they’re horrible people, they may go out and commit crimes either to get attention or because they feel they’re owed for all the bullying they suffered.

4. They become workaholics. In the past, they were bullied and made to feel powerless. So, they work like dogs to make lots of money because they feel that having lots of money gives them enormous power. We all need to work, but to work all the time and not have time to rest or for play isn’t healthy.

5. They get into drug abuse. Many become drug addicts and alcoholics to quell the PTSD, trauma, sadness, and depression that is brought about by bullying. Instead of seeking the right kind of help, they self-medicate.

Understand that healing from bullying is a must if you want to go on to a happy and peaceful life and that sometimes, healing means seeking therapy. Healing and getting closure take a lot of work. But I promise that if you get the help and put in the inner work needed, it’ll be so worth it in the end!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Jobs School Bullies Take Once They’re Out of School

Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.

Here are some of the jobs bullies select.

1.Politician. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.

 2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless  job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.

However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.

And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.

3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?

Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.

 4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.

It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.

With knowledge comes empowerment

Wings Clipped

Cut cut snip snip
My wings bullies clip
Kill it- don’t let it grow
Is their collective motto
The gravity that keeps me earthbound
With my feet anchored to the ground
Is lies, smears, ugly words of hate
I hope help comes before it’s too late
I want to fly away far from them
To keep from sinking I must swim
But they ensure that I don’t fly
And those who can help ignore my cry

To ensure I continue kneeling
They keep me from healing
My virtues they scorn
I can’t get airborne
They can’t stand to see me soar
Despising me down to their core
I want to fly high above the crowds
And soar beyond the clouds
I want to see the bright sunshine
And reclaim what once was mine
The pressure of their hate
Is like a millstone weight
Keeping me shackled
As they viciously heckle
I’m locked in an invisible prison
With walls that block my vision
Of happiness and freedom
And the realization of my own kingdom

But one day I’ll heal these broken wings
And fly away to better things
With a little personal sacrifice
I’m fly away to my own paradise
I’m break their anchors and chains
And fly away from these pains.
I’ll escape this quagmire
And build my own empire
God will hear my cries
And I’ll touch the skies
With broken wings turned to scars
I’ll fly high enough to reach the stars

Unnecessary Fear: 4 Ways Bullies Use It to Control Their Targets

Fear is the strongest of all emotions. While fear is an excellent asset in a genuinely hazardous situation where there’s the threat of immediate harm, it can be the most dangerous and paralyzing emotion when it unnecessary.

Unnecessary fear is THE number one tool in the bully’s toolbox. Bullies use this fear as a means to manipulate their targets and to control many aspects of their lives.

Realize that the power of fear is the only power bullies hold, and they don’t use it sparingly. Bullies instinctively know that real or perceived fear will shut down a person’s rational and cognitive thinking abilities. As a result, they can manipulate the target into doing what they want by making empty promises of safety and security.

Fear strips away your power. It takes apart the ability to reason, to be proactive, and to make good choices- hence to defend and protect yourself. Bullies have long understood the power of deliberately inducing fear in their victims to control and dominate them.

Understand that a fearful person is easier for bullies to control than a fearless one.

Bullies maintain their oppressive grip on their victims by invoking fear in them, then claim that only they have the power to decide whether the targets can live in peace and be safe from harm. The bullies send the message that if the victim does what they want and says what they want to hear willingly and without getting mouthy and catching a funky attitude, they will leave him alone and permit him to live in peace.

But we all know how this usually ends. Bullies don’t keep promises. They only keep you hanging.

If you’re a target of bullying, I want you to understand that your bullies greatly benefit from your fear, and they won’t give those benefits up without a fight.

So, how do bullies exploit targets through inducing fear? There are many ways.

1. Rumor spreading and gossip – bullies have a knack for making even the most ridiculous lies sound like the truth and the most insidious abuse respectable, even admired. They slander the target to keep him silent and ensure that he doesn’t speak out about the abuse. If they can turn everyone against the victim, then who’s going to believe him when he finally does open up about the violence?

Bullies will also use fear to turn others against the target and recruit them to become willing participants. Even the kindest of people can become willing co-conspirators because humans behave much differently in groups, then they do on their own.

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”

Voltaire

2. Repetition -bullies will bully, defame, insult, even physically attack the target repeatedly, over long periods to solidify the target’s fear, along with their low self-esteem and confidence to ensure that he doesn’t protect himself or rebel against the abuse.

3. Gaslighting – if the bullies can make the target question his own sanity and believe that he must have done or said something to deserve the cruel treatment, all the better! Then he’ll surely keep quiet then.

4. To control everyone else– bullies also use fear to control peers and bystanders. They send the messages that if anyone else dares to help or befriend the target, they’ll suffer the bullies’ wrath as well.

But there’s hope!

Unnecessary fear has a cure. And that cure is knowledge!

That’s right! You must acquire knowledge of bullies and bullying, and lots of it! It pays huge social and psychological dividends to know the psychology of bullying.

1. why bullies bully (for social status, to keep from being bullied themselves, etc.)

2. where their abuse comes from (insecurity, low self-esteem, arrogance, superiority, etc.)

3. intentions and motivations for bullying (domination and control over another person, power, social status, to keep from being bullied, etc.)

4. tactics bullies use and the effects of bullying on victims.

And so much more.

In short, you must be knowledgeable of human nature, tactics of warfare, the ways people attain power, psychology, and dark psychology. I would also recommend reading about the Dark Triad- Narcissism, Psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Then read about how to counter bullying.

Only then will you be able firmly and confidently stand up for and protect yourself- then ultimately free yourself from your bullies’ grip. Knowledge is the only thing that can defeat your fear. If nothing else, know this!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies, Dictators, Terrorist Groups and Regimes Are All One and The Same. Their Tactics Are Both Universal and Timeless

Bullying has always been around and, unfortunately, always will be. It happens on ALL levels, ranging from the individual level to the government and political level. The best thing we can do is to take steps to bully-proof ourselves at the individual level to either cease to be victims or never become a victim.

It has dawned on me that the same mental processes and tactics that happen in bullying and mobbing in schools and workplaces against a target are the same processes that give dictators and autocratic leaders the ability to control countries.

From Saddam Hussein to Karl Marx and Benito Mussolini and Adolf Hitler; from Xi Zinping and Kim Jong Un, to Josef Stalin; dictators have been a terrible reality for many countries. Understand that dictators are bullies! They influence an entire population first by making empty promises of equality for all, play on our emotions by showing crime, suffering children, poverty, etc.

Once they get into office, they influence by fear and rule with an iron fist.

Understand that your worst bullies in school or at work are busting with charisma. They’re experts at charming and influencing the rest of the student body or workforce. They have a talent of fooling and appealing to others. They’re experts at persuading everyone to turn against their victims. This is how DICTATORS are made.

You can bet that every dictator the world has ever known got their start as a school or workplace bully!

Once a dictator is voted in and the people give them power, they disarm the citizenry, enact a set pay scale for everyone, a set healthcare system, take over the food supply and strip the people of their freedoms and human rights.

Dictators are bullies. Why? Because they rely on fear, dependency, and an imbalance of power from which to draw their power and there’s a clear imbalance of power between the dictator and the citizenry.

bullies snakes poisonous toxic

Just as bullies have followers, dictators have regimes, parties, and secret police. Also, these dictators have targets- certain groups of people they single out and oppress. Hitler’s targets were the Jewish people and anyone who disagreed with him. Stalin’s targets were ethnic Ukrainians, Polish, and Bulgarians.

Their followers are terrorist groups, such as Hitler’s Nazi party of Germany, Mussolini’s Fascist party of Italy. Then, we have Stalin, Lenin, Marx, and the Bolsheviks of Russia, who lead the Bolshevik Revolution and brought Communism to Russia, which is how the country became the Soviet Union, or U.S.S.R. (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics).

Today, we have Antifa, The Red Guard, and other nefarious groups, who continue to burn and loot cities and physically attack anyone who they don’t like in order to bring Socialism/Communism to America.

Understand that all of it is a form of bullying because it instills fear and creates an imbalance of power in average citizens and is used for intimidation, dominance, and control of them against their will.

toxic brainwashing

Dictators and terrorist groups have had targeted groups to oppress, torture, and kill and have thrived on fear to turn entire populations against their targeted groups. They do this through use of propaganda and usually complete their end goals of genocide. Down through  history, Communism has caused tens of millions of deaths.

Bullies have influenced student bodies and workforces to turn against a target to assassinate their characters and kill their reputations. And the scary thing is that it’s such a slow process that it almost isn’t noticeable until it’s already gone so far.

The tactics used against targets are the same used against the Jews in Nazi Germany during the thirties- demonization. Understand that demonizing is how it starts.

Though the outcome was much worse, with the Jewish people ending up maimed, physically tortured, and murdered, bullying requires the same tactics that slowly build to the final culmination of a social murder of their targets.

Bullying and mobbing are still psychological torture, and it does kill, only on the opposite end of the violence spectrum. But the social contagion and pack-mentality that make each collective attack possible are pretty much the same.  Again, it’s gradual and incremental. It happens so slowly that targets don’t realize they’re being conditioned to accept brutality and bystanders and witnesses don’t realize they’re being conditioned to hate and brutalize the target.

Target on your back metaphor as a person with a tattoo of a bulls eye symbol tattooed on the skin as an icon for being a victim of bullying and bullied or psychology of feeling vulnerable with 3D illustration elements.

Here’s how bullies target individual persons for bullying.

  • A particular person is singled out and labeled as different from everyone else.
  • Others spread the word of the targeted individual’s difference.
  • Before long, everyone defines the target’s “difference” from the rest to suggest that the target person is inferior.
  • Next, everyone is directed by a person in power to target the person for elimination.
  • The person in power sends the message that if anyone associates with, befriends, or helps the target, that person will be targeted next. But if they join in the brutalization and humiliation of the target, they will be rewarded with acceptance and a climb up the social hierarchy.
  • People increasingly leave the targeted person out of the social group and block them from access to knowledge and any deserved awards or credits.
  • The target is isolated, called ugly names, and demonized, which makes it much more acceptable for others to harm them.
  • The target is accused of the same things the bullies are themselves guilty of and a reversal of victim and offender is achieved.
  • Soon, everyone agrees that the targeted person deserves abuse and inhumane treatment.
  • Finally, the rest of the group eliminates the targeted person through character assassination and annihilation of his/her once-good reputation, whether it be isolation, expulsion, termination, banishment, or even murder.
  • Later, everyone either denies they bullied the targeted person or they justify and rationalize it- giving reasons that sound justifiable for their part in the brutal treatment of the person to avoid feeling and looking guilty.

Here’s how dictators and terrorist groups target groups and populations of people. And it’s all the same!

  • They single the targeted group out and put the word out to label them as different from other groups of people.
  • The media and other tools of the oppressive government spread the word of the targeted group’s difference and perceived sins and evil.
  • The labeled group is deemed evil and inferior, then marginalized by society.
  • The message is conveyed to the rest of the people that it’s acceptable to oppress, even harm members of the targeted group.
  • People outside the targeted group are encouraged to dehumanize them and deny them knowledge, a voice, and fundamental human rights- with those in power making it unlawful for members of the targeted group to defend themselves against being hurt.
  • People in the oppressed group are deemed threats to the rest of society, insulted and degraded, cancelled, and denied representation,
  • Dictators and oppressors accuse the targeted group of the same things they themselves are guilty of so that the oppressors can achieve the reversal of victim and offender and cover their own crimes against humanity.
  • People outside the targeted group are only further encouraged to dehumanize members of the oppressed targeted group.
  • Dictators and those in power also promote the message that if anyone associates with and dares to stand up for the targeted group, they too will be targeted along with them. But if they join the fight against the targeted group, they may be rewarded with influential positions!
  • Soon, groupthink takes over, and everyone agrees, although wrongly and unjustifiably, that the targeted group deserves horrific treatment and needs to be destroyed no matter what it takes to destroy them!
  • The oppression and brutality toward the targeted group finally progresses to a sadistic and deadly climax, where those in power have the targeted group murdered by committing genocide and the rest of society looks on with satisfaction.
  • Later, they either deny their crimes against humanity, or they rationalize and justify them to keep from feeling dirty. (An example of this denial would be people, down through the years and even today who deny the Jewish Holocaust ever happened.)

fear silence

Again. Understand that over time, the brutality ever so gradually increases in tiny increments. It progresses so slowly that it isn’t noticeable until it reaches a certain pitch. There are names for this slow, unnoticeable (or barely noticeable to the trained eye) progression- gradualism and incrementalism.

So, you see? The tactics and processes are exactly the same, whether on an individual, school, and company level or government and political level, all of it is BULLYING and MOBBING but only under different names!

These tactics are universal and have been used down through history. If you are target of bullying, the ability to think ahead and predict your bullies’ next move is essential if you expect to be able to protect yourself.

Jobs School Bullies Usually Take Once They’re Out of School

Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.

Here are some of the jobs bullies select.

1.Politicians. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.

 2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless  job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.

However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.

And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.

3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?

Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.

 4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.

It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.

With knowledge comes empowerment

Chava Boroda’s recipe for peace and tolerance

Chava Boroda_picture

As a young, Jewish girl who immigrated to the United States from the Soviet Union (now Russia) during the eighties, Chava Boroda has known the worst forms of oppression, bullying, and persecution. Below is a wonderful piece she has written and it’s well worth the read. Antisemitism is on the rise in today’s hostile world and sadly, the media seems to be sparse in its coverage of it. Only when we publicly address a problem will it be solved. Congratulations, Chava!

“As a Jew, I have always felt need to be the torchbearer of light into promoting peace and tolerance” – California-based Chava Boroda.

“When I finally established my own Jewish home – I knew that my mission should’ve been enhanced though making Judaism understandable and accessible for the Jewish people, as well as non-Jewish community” – she shares in her interview about the Jewish approach toward peace and tolerance.

Kyiv-born Chava spent her childhood in an environment, where she faced antisemitism as an integral part of the Soviet ideology and mentality, which often hurt her feelings, but never her faith.

“I’ve always had a critical eye toward man-made challenges, which tend to create so many obstacles for different layers of society. Even at an early age – I made an analysis that antisemitism often derives from ignorance among gentiles, who have almost no information about what Judaism is and who the Jews are”.

After arriving in the United States, Chava was taught about peace-building and tackling hate speech through education and activism. “Do not hate what you do not understand” – were the words that she cultivated into her thinking and used as a guide to establishing bridges between the Jews and non-Jews. Nevertheless, she has a mission to educate Jews themselves about their inspiring story spanning over and not limited to the middle ages, migration routes, Shtetls, Holocaust, or their struggle to establish the State of Israel.

Butterfly

“I knew that I had to make a move and bring education to non-Jews about Judaism. Especially after bringing five children into this world – I had a firm belief to ensure that generation of my children and children to come would not face antisemitism caused by ignorance toward the Jewish people”. Ever since her children were small, she has provided them with Jewish upbringing, but also fostered the development of their creative energy and talents in the secular world.

As a proud Jew, Chava has spent the last 25 years making Judaism appealing for all. Apart from working with non-Jews, she has a profound desire to bring all the Jewish communities together by embracing their unique cultural traits and peculiarities.

“I admire the mission of the YAD VASHEM in the world in maintaining the memory of the Holocaust among billions of people worldwide. There is one particular aspect of YAD VASHEM, which I have incorporated into my work and goals – stressing out the importance of the Righteous of the Nations, who saved Jews from the atrocities and often risked their lives”. She believes that if more gentiles had been educated about Judaism pre-WWII – then more people would stand up for their Jewish neighbors or compatriots. The latter argumentation is the sole factor for her work toward promoting tolerance and raising generations who will dare to speak out if they witness discrimination of antisemitism.

dreamstime_xs_169790168

Chava has worked with thousands of young people in North America, Israel, and former Soviet Union space educating them about her Refusenik past, as well as raising awareness about promoting peace and understanding between people of various ethnic or religious backgrounds. In her mentoring efforts with young people, Chava cultivates tolerance as a fundamental identity.

“My inspiration derives from Abraham, the first Jew, who is recognized as a prophet by all three Abrahamic religions in the world.” She fully aligns herself with the ideas of the United Nations that “diversity is a form of wealth, not a factor of division”.

Chava sees great potential in the post-COVID 19 era, which has the potential of bringing more empathy among people, who have been witnessing how the whole world has fallen in the same boat against the pandemic. She hopes that more people will look through the “we the people” prism toward the need to build more accepting societies.

“With ongoing clashes between the police and public in the United States – it has become more obvious that educating people about peace and tolerance between all shall be an integral part of educating as early as kindergarten. Ever since I step my foot in the United States at age 14 and as a political refugee from the USSR, I made a realization, which inspires my work every day – diversity is a strength and not a weakness. Tolerance is always nurtured and I am excited to continue my daily work in the digital era and with all the age groups” – Chava shares.