Tag: mental health

mental health

Why Many Targets Feel Better When They See Someone Else Being Bullied

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This is a difficult thing to admit. However, sometimes when you’ve been singled out for bullying for so long, it can make you feel better if, by chance, you see another person also being bullied. I say this because, years ago, I felt the same way when I saw another kid being treated as badly as I was.

Many targets feel a sense of relief when they see bullies target someone other than them, and it’s not for the reasons most people would think.

It doesn’t mean that these targets enjoy someone else’s pain. It doesn’t mean that the target is sadistic. What it does mean is that the target sees it as confirmation that they aren’t the only one being mistreated.

Let’s be real here. No one wants to be the only one being picked on. No one wants to be alone or the odd man out.

But here’s something else. Anytime you are a regular target of bullying and bullies target someone else, it means that, for once, they’re not bothering you. Because when bullies target someone else, it takes the negative attention off you, and you get a nice little reprieve from all the BS!

Again, what the target feels isn’t pleasure. It’s relief!

I’ll go ahead and tell you the truth. When I was being bullied in school years ago, I felt that same sense of relief any time I saw another person catching heat because, again, not only did I need that confirmation that I wasn’t the only one being bullied, but I also got the break I needed from it.

I’m not say that it’s right amd I certainly wouldn’t feel the same today as an adult. What I am saying is that I was guilty of having those feelings of relief and that a few other targets and survivors have said that they were guilty of having the same feelings.

Although now, I would be angry and would stand up for anyone I see being targeted, I’m sad to say that this wasn’t the case years ago and it wasn’t a good way to be.

With that said, not only should we learn the inner workings of bullies but also those of targets too. When we learn the inner workings of bullies, we get to see what’s behind their desire to abuse others. We also see their motives and intentions for abusing their targets and so, we’re able to outflank the bullies and defend ourselves and others against them.

When we learn the inner workings of targets, we get to see the damage that bullying has caused them. We get to see the anger, the rage, the sadness, the despair, and the hopelessness they feel and, therefore, we’re better able to reach out and help them.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Targets of Bullying Risk Becoming School Shooters (Part 3)

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(Continued from Part 2…)

As I mentioned in the two earlier posts, school shootings are at an all-time high today. This must STOP!

No matter how horribly you are treated, no matter how angry, sad or lonely you are, it is never okay to take a life. NEVER! Bullying and mental illness, although a cause, it is never an excuse! There is nothing- nothing that justifies killing another human being unless you have an intruder in your home and they are threatening your life and the lives of your family. Murder is wrong and there are better and more productive ways to handle being bullied.

Let’s put it another way: Anytime you bring a gun to school and shoot a bully who has tormented you, you automatically cease to be a victim and make them (the bully) the victim. Sorry, but it is what it is! When you kill someone, you no longer get to claim victimhood. That’s just how the world works. Instead, you make the BULLY the victim!

This is exactly what bullies want- to look like the victim in the eyes of others while sneakily torturing their targets and making them look like the bad guys. By shooting them, you only make it so much easier for them to do that.

Remember that bullies are masters at feigning victimhood, which is the reason they go unpunished while the target looks guilty. Your bullies have looked innocent and vilified you in the eyes of others for far too long!

Why then would you want to make them even bigger victims than what they already look like? They have already destroyed your reputation and shooting them would only confirm the lies they have spread about you as truth- that you really did turn out to be a despicable person.

Let’s look at it yet, a third way: If you shoot your bullies, their names will be engraved on a memorial at the school, while your name will be regarded with shame and contempt. You will go down in history as a disgusting and vile monster while your bullies will be remembered as either heroes or martyrs. Seriously! Is that what you want???

When you take the life of another human being, you not only put shame on yourself, but also your entire family! Do you really want to put the people who love you through that? Once you kill someone, you can never rectify it!

Nicolas Cruz didn’t think about this when he snapped and decided to go to Margorie Stoneman Douglas High School and shoot his classmates. Yes. He was a victim of bullying because he was considered “weird”. One of his classmates, Emma Gonzales even admitted to bullying him. Yes, his classmates should have reached out to him.

However, because he chose to handle it the wrong way by picking up a gun, the fact that he was bullied is no longer relevant. That’s. Just. Reality!

If you shoot someone, nobody will care what your reasons were. And it’s the same attitude with Nicholas Cruz. Nobody cares that he was bullied. Nobody cares that he was pushed over the edge! And if you let them drive you to do something so counterproductive, no one will give a damn that they drove you to do it, truth or not!

Yes, bullying is a hell that only few can comprehend. I understand the intense rage which builds to a burning climax after having been dehumanized for so many years. I understand the feeling of hopelessness. Why? Because I’ve been there- in the trenches!

Trust me when I say, “I get that”. But! You must think before you act. You must keep your wits about you, no matter how difficult it may be.

Thinking ahead and of the possible consequences I would have faced and how it would have devastated my family and killed any prospects of a great future was what kept me from doing something which would have altered my own life and the lives of not only my classmates and their families, but also members of my own family as well.

With that said, I beg you! DON’T DO IT! If at any time you’re being bullied and you’re about to lose control, get help – FAST!

Instead, conquer your bullies by taking care of yourself and making positive changes in your own life. Transfer to another school and reinvent yourself if you must. It’s what I did!

Accomplish your goals and strive for self-betterment! It could be as simple as doing something you’re good at and winning an award for it, or making an A on a test!

Instead of picking up a gun, pick up as many successes as you can. Instead of a gun, let SUCCESS be your weapon of choice! Because, as Frank Sinatra quoted, “being wildly successful is the absolute best revenge you can ever take” against a bully! I guarantee it!

It’s about self! Make it about you and what you can achieve! Forget those who don’t give you a thought! Screw ’em! Because they don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life anyway! Make a lot of money! Win a truckload of awards! Write a book! Cut a CD…whatever fulfills you! Grab as many successes and happy moments as humanly possible! That’s what you do when people refuse to see your value!

Create your own value with SUCCESS!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Targets of Bullying Risk Becoming School Shooters (Part 2)

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(Continued from Part 1…)

Sadly, school shootings have skyrocketed in the last twenty years. But what if I told you that each incidence could have been prevented? What if I told you that we CAN prevent the next shooting…before it happens?

In part 1, I discussed the issue of mental health in school shootings, which is often ignored by the masses. Many want to preach about the importance of gun control or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, gun promotion. However, they fail to discuss the root problems which too often lead to these tragedies- bullying and mental health.

Preventing future shootings is easier than you think. All it takes is to seek out the kids in your school, whom are bullied, ignored, marginalized, sad and alone. You have to admit that these kids are the easiest to spot.

I can guarantee that if everyone reached out to the kid who always sits alone in the lunchroom, to the kid known for having his face slammed into the lockers, the kid who gets a swirly every day, the poor girl who is constantly slut/fat-shamed, or the pregnant girl or teen mother who’s relentlessly being called a whore and gave them a kind word- an encouraging message of love, and them know that they still matter and have value, I’m positive that it would make a huge difference.

Kindness costs nothing. Just one kind word or gesture, just ONE, can be the difference between life or death, the difference between a senseless suicide or the will to live, and the difference between the decision to go on a shooting spree at school or to leave the gun at home and employ more constructive and productive means to handle bullying!

Think about it!

(To be continued in Part 3…)

Targets of Bullying Risk Becoming School Shooters

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With the many shootings which have happened, such as the Jonesboro, Parkland, and Santa Fe school massacres, it has been placed on my heart to write about something which needs to be discussed but, sadly, isn’t by many. It should be no surprise that bullying is almost always a factor in the uptick of school shootings, which have plagued our country for the last twenty years. Before we go any further, let me remind you that being bullied, no matter how severe, is absolutely no excuse for taking human lives, and I would never condone such an action!

However, many shooters have been victims of bullying, who were pushed to the breaking point. They finally snapped after many years of relentless and repetitive abuse by their peers and being rebuffed by school staff in their attempts to report bullying incidences and get help. Therefore, they resort to bringing a gun to school and leaving death and mayhem in their wake! The shooters then turn the gun on themselves to avoid prison, and the end result is that families and loved ones on both sides and entire communities are left devastated!

One such example is the Columbine Shooting in April of 1999. I have read many articles about this particular case. It was stated by many experts that the perpetrators, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, had for years been bullied outcasts, who’d only gotten fed up with the continuous negative treatment and finally went into a rage and lashed out, as have so many other victims since then. Again, I cannot stress enough how wrong and counterproductive bringing a gun to school really is! However, I believe there is something we’re missing here- the issue of mental health and bullying, which often leads to these tragedies.

Before the pandemic, school shootings had become so common that they’d become a political issue and fodder for the agendas of both the left and the right wings, with the left pushing for gun control and the right’s push to arm teachers and tighten school security. Although these certainly are legitimate issues that need to be addressed before the end of the pandemic and schools are fully functional again, it seems that almost no one is discussing the root cause of these shootings- bullying and/or mental health.

I believe that “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”! Perhaps if we reach these bullied and at-risk youth and show them that they are not alone and that they matter just like everyone else, we will be able to save them from the possibility of becoming violent and, ultimately, bring down these horribly high statistics! I will explain this in more detail in part two.

(To be continued in Part 2…)

2 Ways Bullying Stunts a Target’s Social Development

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Although social intelligence won’t necessarily keep you from becoming a target of bullying, it will most certainly lessen your chances of it.

Social intelligence always has and always will supersede book-smarts. It will get you much further than college degrees, awards, and credentials alone. It is the reason high school dropouts have become millionaires. It is also why many college graduates have ended up flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Social intelligence is THE most important quality you can have. It’s the highest paid skill and most important asset in the entire universe.

For many years- even back during the eighties, when I was in school, people thought that it was the one skill that could never be taught. It was thought that you were either born with it, or you weren’t and if you weren’t, it was something that you had to accept and deal with. Thankfully, we now know differently.

Sadly, if you’re a target of bullying, the abuse you suffer can batter your self-esteem into oblivion and, as a result, you withdraw from the rest of the world. When you’ve been bullied for so long, you because deathly afraid of other people and come to believe that you’re inferior to everyone else- afraid to talk, afraid to mix and mingle, afraid of any social situations.

You retreat into yourself and live inside your own head. You create a fantasy world, where you feel safe, wanted, and loved- a world of imaginary people who accept you. As a result, you shut out the “real world” and live in this fantasy world- this safe haven you’ve created.

This is not good because, when this happens, you stop watching people and the world around you and you stop learning the social graces and nuances that you need to know in order to create a good life for yourself and nurture relationships. Before you know it, you become socially awkward- you become too quiet, shy, and reserved.

You look right through people instead of smiling and saying hello. You become sullen and spaced out instead of happy, upbeat, and engaging. You feel numb instead of the emotions you should feel at different times.

In short, it stunts your social development!

This is why it’s so important that you make a conscious effort to save your self-esteem. You do this by keeping your heart open, meeting new people and making friends- created positive interactions and experiences outside the bullying environment and away from your bullies (or anyone else who knows you from the toxic bullying environment. Do what you must do to keep your self-esteem intact and continue to grow your social intelligence.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Reality Check: Not Everyone You Meet is Going to Like You

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Like is subjective.

Not everyone is going to like you. Some may even hate you. But remember this! It’s their problem, not yours.

No matter how good, talented, famous, great, or small you are or who you are, it’s estimated that 10-35% of the people you know will not like you.

But always stay true to yourself, your beliefs, and your convictions. Use your God-given talents to the best of your ability. Be the best you can be and you will be happy.

Realize that everyone- EVERYONE, has someone who doesn’t like them. And if you don’t have enemies, then you’re doing something wrong.

If those who are exceptional, like celebrities, politicians, and athletes have people who dislike them or hate them, it should be proof that there’s nothing wrong with you.

So, feel good about yourself. Embrace everything about yourself. Appreciate the people who love you. Let love in and let yourself shine!

Bullying- When Emotions Are High

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Bullies are known for being highly emotional when they don’t get their way. They scream, they curse, they act out and they don’t care who’s around to see it because they use fear and intimidation to keep people from speaking out against them. Or, if they’re sneaky, they may hold it in until they get to a place that’s private and with people they trust, then fly into a rage.

Yikes!

Just as hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, it can also be said that hell hath no fury like a bully disappointed.

Here are 3 safety measures you must carry out when your bully begins to rage at you. Things can get dangerous quickly when a bully becomes enraged.

1. Turn and walk away right then! You must get away from the raging bull(y) fast. Think, out of sight, out of mind.

2. Watch Your Back. The bully is postal. Even scarier, he’s outraged at you! So, you must cover your six until you’re either out of the environment or things have cooled off. Just don’t look like you’re watching your back.

3. Whatever you do, don’t mirror the bully. You’ll only look just as nuts as the bully. Also, the last thing you want to do is scream and curse back because things will likely become fisty, or worse, the bully might pull out a knife or gun.

4. No sarcasm or witticisms. This will prompt the bully to throw fists or pull a weapon faster than yelling and cursing back because, in your sarcasm and funny remarks, you’re making the bully look like a basket case and he knows it. Save the witticisms for when the bully is attacking in a calmer state.

Remember that bullies, especially narcissist bullies, have a sadistic nature and have absolutely no moral compass. Many bullies of the narcissistic variety become murderers. So, get away from the person, stay away, and make sure they aren’t stalking you.

No contact is the best way to stay safe.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Roots of Insecurity

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The words we hear from others can affect how we see ourselves, but they don’t have to if we don’t let them.

Targets of bullying are picked apart daily in every minute detail, and in every aspect of their existences. A bully may criticize something as minute as the way they write. Bullies may criticize a woman for sitting with her legs crossed or the way she applies her makeup. But I guarantee that it has nothing with the way the woman sits or puts on her cosmetics, it has everything to do with the bullies’ own insecurities that are buried within themselves.

In reality, the bullies may think the woman is awesome and their criticism could be taken as a compliment because the bullies know they can’t compete with her and certainly don’t deserve the time of day from her because they know they aren’t even on her level, so, they do whatever they can to tear her down and bring her to their level.

However, the criticism surely doesn’t feel like a compliment and can make you feel like crap, so, I’m very careful when I use my words here. Insecure bullies and abusers will say terrible things to us and they can stick with us if we’re not careful.

“You’re ugly!”

“You’re fat!”

“Your clothes look like hand-me-downs!”

“Your hair looks too straight!”

“Your nose is too long!”

“Your ears are too big!”

“Nobody likes you!”

“You don’t have any friends!”

This doesn’t mean what they say is true, but so many times, we let the words of bullies get into our heads. When bullies assault us with hurtful words, targets often sit and wonder:

“Why don’t they like me?”

“Why am I not good enough?”

“Am I too fat?”

“Am I too short?”

“Am I too weird?”

“Is it my makeup, my hairdo, or my clothes?”

And they do it regardless of whether what was said to them is true.

Understand that our insecurities will scream at us from time to time but if we chose to listen to those pesky little voices, which are most often only voices from past abusers, it only serves to damage our self-confidence and self-esteem. Granted, there will be times when you will question yourself and this is perfectly normal. But when you make it a habit, then it becomes a problem.

There will also always be someone prettier, better looking, smarter, or financially better off. That’s just life. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything going for you because you do but again, there will always be someone with more.

Therefore, never compare yourself to another person because you do yourself more harm than good. Realize that each one of us is blessed with great qualities, although some may not know what they are.

Insecurity is a tricky animal because it has a way of hiding in obscurity. Sometimes, we don’t even know we have it. Bullies are such people. Most bullies are bogged down with insecurities, which is why they always point out the shortcomings of others in attempts to hide their own and the self-esteem fix they get from it is only short lived. Then bullies will only come back for more.

Another reason why insecurity is so tricky is because the insecure person not only doesn’t realize it exists, but they also don’t know when they became insecure nor what caused the insecurity.

We aren’t born with insecurities. They are given to us by other people, those who unfairly criticized you during your early years. Maybe someone called you stupid, or ugly. Maybe someone told you that you didn’t look good enough or, weren’t smart enough to pass that class.

Maybe you had an abusive parent or family member who told you that you would never amount to anything. Maybe your dad left and never cared to spend any time with you. It could be that you had an older sibling who bullied you. Maybe your classmates repeatedly told you that you weren’t good enough and never would be. Maybe others trivialized your successes and told you that they didn’t matter. They stem from many different factors.

Nevertheless, there had to be that first person who berated you- that person who planted that seed of insecurity and they repeated the same behavior and nurtured that seed so that it would grow. Maybe others helped to grow that seed and it’s only festered inside of you. And that seed has negatively affected your relationships with others and continues to do so today.

But understand that we all have flaws and the best way to get comfortable with them is to own them and accept that you have them. You might as well get comfortable with your flaws if they’re things you can’t do anything about. Also, once you embrace your flaws, no one can hold them against you any longer. By accepting and embracing your flaws, you take back your personal power and squash any power that bullies ever had over you because the insecurity ceases to be.

Many bullies have also been victims of others. This is the reason they try to break your confidence, only bullies refuse to have that discussion because it would only cast them as being vulnerable. Also, bullies never took the time to acknowledge and heal their own hurts and insecurities.

Therefore, bullies will tear you down with their actions and words because they feel either inferior to or threatened by you.

Once and for all, I want you to understand that there will be that partner who tells you that you dress like a floozy even though you dressed the same when your partner met you and you actually dress rather conservatively. There will be classmates who criticize your laugh or your smile. There will be people who flat out tell you to shut up when you speak even if the words you speak make sense.

The criticisms that hurt us the most and have the potential to destroy us come from spouses, family, and friends- people we love and trust the most. It is those remarks that can do the most damage because these are the people who are supposed to love us, take care of us, and protect us. And we believe they do. We believe they only want what’s best for us so we attempt to modify and change who we are to satisfy them and gain their love and approval. And the more they berate us, the more we shape-shift, trying to attain that allusive approval, until we twist ourselves into a pretzel!

It amazes me how many broken children there are out there who don’t yet understand that there was never anything wrong with them. These children become bullies and grow up to be angry and bitter adults who will only spread their toxicity to others.

It’s much easier to make others feel small than to deal with what others have done to us. I was broken for a lot of years, brainwashed into thinking I wasn’t worthy of being treated well. I always thought I was vermin compared to others because that’s what I’d been told repeatedly by others.

It took me a 2 ½ decades to realize that there was nothing wrong with me and that none of the bullying, abuse, and torment people subjected me to was ever my fault. I was not defected, and I was never a bad person. In fact, I now realize that I’m an awesome person and if people who don’t know me choose to judge me and have issues with me, it’s their problem not mine.

And I hope and pray they get their mental stuff together before it’s too late because it takes someone who lives a miserable existence to go through life making other people feel like dog shit to feel superior.

Insecurity is a seed that plants itself deeply, which is why it can be difficult to deal with. But in order to heal, you must cut out the roots of it too.

And if you don’t take the time needed to deal with and heal it, you will continue to carry the insecurities that someone else gave you and they will affect the way you handle people and your future relationships- every one of them, whether they’re romantic, friendships, or family.

Realize that the insecurities you have were caused by other people who wanted to look and feel better and more powerful than you. They saw a good quality in you that threatened to overshadow them somehow. So, they went on a mission to tear you down to keep you from stealing their spotlight.

Always remember that the bullying and abuse was never about you, it was about them. It was about their fear of you overshadowing them. It was about their being afraid that you’d reach success and leave them in the dust. It was about something they saw in you that threatened their fragile egos.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

3 Differences Between Being Kind and Kissing Booty

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Be kind, yes. But being kind doesn’t mean you have to kiss booty. Too many people seem to think that kindness is weakness. This distortion of thinking comes from the assumption that being kind equals kissing booty. Let me dispel these myths right now. Kindness is not weakness and it doesn’t mean kissing butt.

Understand that when people make these generalizations, they do it for two reasons:

1. As an excuse not to be kind.

2. Because they’ve been taught these types of things by abusive parents and family members, or by bullies.

Again, kindness isn’t weakness nor is it kissing booty. With that said, let’s distinguish between the two. What’s the difference between being kind and kissing butt? Here are your answers:

1. Being kind comes from confidence. Confident people extend kindness because they’re confident and they know they don’t have to be unkind. When a person is kind, they have confidence in both themselves and in others.

Kissing booty comes from insecurity and a lack of confidence. The intentions of kissing butt are never pure.. People kiss butt out of fear and insecurity.

2. Being kind comes from having pure intentions. People who extend true kindness expect nothing in return. Just the notion that they’ve made someone smile is the rewards they get. Being kind is being true.

Kissing booty comes from ulterior motives. People kiss butt either to get out of trouble and escape accountability, or they do because they want something from the “booty-kissee,”

Many times, people kiss butt for acceptance and approval, favor, and special treatment. They do it because they expect to benefit, whether socially, psychologically, or materially. Kissing booty is being manipulative.

3. Being kind also means being kind to yourself. Kind people are kind to themselves too. What this means is that, that they know that they can be kind to others without taking any crap from them. Truly kind people have boundaries. They don’t extend kindness at their own expense. Being kind is a virtue.

Kissing booty can mean being a doormat. A person who kisses butt has no boundaries and may put up with bad treatment from the people he kisses up to. He’s willing to sacrifice his dignity and self-respect just to get the benefits he’s after. Sadly, this kind of person usually gets shafted and then laughed at. Because most people have no respect for him, not even the people he kowtows to. Kissing booty is pathetic!

You’ll put up with shoddy treatment, all for the safe of getting that benefit you’re seeking by sucking up. And the harsh truth is that you may not get that benefit anyway. Some people are only good for reneging once you’ve served your purpose. Then you’ll only look and feel like a real tool. And you know what? That’s exactly what you are- a tool.

Therefore, it’s imperative that you learn the difference in the two, that way you’ll better be able to extend kindness and, at the same time, protect yourself from being used.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Your Mind Is Yours and Yours Alone. Keep It That Way.

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Bullies don’t only want to hurt you or destroy your good name. More than anything, they want to get into your head and alter your mind.

The worst thing about bullying isn’t the physical assaults. Cuts and bruises heal easily. It isn’t even the name-calling, the smears, the rumors, or the marginalization. It’s what it can do to the mind if we aren’t careful.

The worst thing that can happen to a target of bullying is when he begins to believe what he’s being told. The worst thing that happens is when she begins to see herself through the eyes of the very people who hate her and who want nothing more from her than her complete destruction and ruination.

Anytime a target begins to believe he is nothing, he does himself a huge disservice because he discards his own definition of him and replaces it with that of his bullies. He values the bullies’ opinions over his own.

I cannot stress enough the importance of loving yourself even when it looks as if others don’t love you back. You must continue to believe in yourself even when it seems that no one else does. You must also continue to stand your ground even when people want to bury you in it.’

That’s how you keep your confidence and self-esteem from tanking. It’s how you keep even a little bit of your dignity and it’s how you protect your spirit from being broken.

Yes, your confidence may take many blows, but it doesn’t have to die. Your self-esteem may be pummeled, but you can keep it for hitting rock bottom. Bullies may break off pieces of your dignity, but you don’t have to give them the piece of it you still hold for yourself. Your spirit may take a hard beating, but only you decide whether to let them break it.

In short, you don’t have to surrender everything that matters to your bullies.’

You have more power than you know. Your thoughts are the freest commodity you have. No matter what they take from you, they can never take your mind if you don’t let them.

“Power is not what you have but what the enemy thinks you have.” ~ Saul D. Alinsky (Rules for Radicals)

Think about that quote for a moment and realize that it’s what all bullies live by.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Reasons You Should Never Be Afraid of Conflict

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Let’s face it. Conflict is a part of life and something we all encounter at many points in our lives. Many targets and survivors of bullying are deathly afraid of conflict. Why? Because they’ve had so much of it forced on them in the past by bullies who just refused to let them be. Also, many targets and survivors are traumatized by the bullying they presently suffer or from past bullying.

Understand that these poor souls haven’t yet dealt with the hurts they still have, and they don’t yet know their worth and the good they deserve. Many targets and survivors of bullying suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, they’re still stuck in survival mode.

As a result, target’s cave in and give in to bullies to appease them just so they’ll shut the hell up and go away. And people do get tired of hearing self-entitled and self-indulgent bullies bitch, rant, and beat their chests when they don’t get their way.

So, the unspoken message is, “Look! Just take what you want and get lost!”

I can understand why targets and survivors end up being this way. It’s because a person gets exhausted when they’re constantly have to battle and struggle to take back their autonomy, their self-determination, their personal power, their safety, their dignity, and their right to exist. They get worn down, they get weary, and all they want is for people to leave them alone and let them have some peace.

However, this can become a problem. If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, people will soon mistake you for being weak and they’ll walk all over you. You must set boundaries. There are times when you must say no. There are even times when you may have to show your ugly side to get your point across and let people know that no means no and enough is enough.

Understand that this requires guts. It means you must step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You must risk hurting others’ feelings and making people angry. You must risk being lashed out at and retaliated against. Moreover, you must also risk losing relationships and no, none of it feels good.

In short, you must stand up for yourself and that means facing conflict.

Think of it this way, if you’re a target of bullying, you’re going to face conflict no matter what because people will bring the conflict to you. Hiding from it does no good because it will eventually find you. When you are a target of bullying, conflict is unavoidable and certain.

In other words, run from conflict and you’ll end up running from it for the rest of your life!

So, why not face it head on, better yet embrace it and stand up to people, then you can feel better about yourself later knowing that you finally grew a spine and told them where to shove it. You may face retaliation for it, but you would face it anyway because, right or wrong, bullies will always find some justification for attacking you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

5 Things You Can Do to Uplift Your Spirits

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Even the happiest of people have days when they feel down in the dumps. Fortunately, there are things you can do to remedy your situation and chase those doldrums away!

1. Listen to good music – There’s nothing that cures your ills like boogying down to some good dance music or rocking out to the sounds of your favorite rock bands. There something about music that makes us come alive and want to get up and move! So, put on some good tunes and shake your butt!

 2. Go for a walk – Going on a good nature walk on a beautiful Spring day lifts the spirits and feels so good. Walking is also one of the best exercises there is, so, there are physical health benefits to it as well.

 3. Indulge in your hobbies – working on and completing your hobbies brings out your creative side and gives you the feeling of success and accomplishment. It gives you pride in yourself and in your abilities. And who doesn’t love that?

 4. Surround yourself with your favorite people – Being around the people you love, who love you, and who lift you up feeds your soul like nothing else. When you get together with your loved ones, you know you belong, and you get that much needed sense of belonging and togetherness.

 5. Fix yourself up – As the old saying goes, when you look good, you feel good. When you take pride in your appearance, it shows. Looking your best has a way of building your confidence and your self-esteem. And it also has a way of spreading to others.

The good thing as that you have options. Do any one of these things and watch your mood skyrocket in just minutes. You’ll be glad you did. I promise!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullying Only Diminishes the Target’s Ability to Trust Him/Herself

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Why? Because the target’s judgement, decisions, and feelings are constantly attacked, negated, and condemned by others. When a target is bullied, they’re taught that, although the abuse they suffer is painful, they either shouldn’t feel, or they have no right to feel that pain because they’re to blame for the abuse they suffer.

Targets are conditioned by bullies, bystanders, even people in authority, friends, and family to just suck it up and negate their own painful feelings. In that, they’re trained either not to understand or to deny their own suffering and that bullies and others are abusing them.

Targets are trained to believe that other people’s vile behavior is their fault and that something is wrong with them, otherwise the bullying wouldn’t be happening to them. Targets are also snookered that everything that goes wrong is because of them. In short, they’re taught that the abuse they’re getting is somehow justified.

As a result, targets often withdraw because they become afraid that they’ll only attract bullies and bullying behavior from the people around them. As a result, targets are left feeling confused and inadequate.

Targets are made to think that:

They take things wrong.

They’re too sensitive.

They asked for it or had it coming.

There’s something wrong with the way they are.

There’s something wrong with the way they express themselves.

There’s something wrong with the way they come across to people.

Therefore, targets stop believing in themselves. Even worse, they lose trust in themselves, their abilities, and their capabilities. And once this happens, they become perfect victims for bullies.

Understand that targets suffer many attacks to not only their physical body, but also their psyche and their emotional being.

Even worse, their very souls are tired, their spirits broken, and they don’t understand their own pain nor why they feel it inside.

Being a target of bullying is a hell that no one who hasn’t been there can possibly comprehend. When you’re bullied, you’re in the fight of your life, and for your life. And when I say fight for your life, this doesn’t only mean fighting to stay alive, although it can.

“The fight for your life” can mean fighting for your self- esteem. It can mean fighting for your personal power and dignity. It can mean fighting to keep your confidence up and self-esteem from being broken so that the abuse doesn’t affect your grades, performance (at school or work), or worse, your ability to make smart decisions and life-choices. You’re fighting to keep the abuse from effecting your entire future. Most importantly, you’re fighting to maintain your health and your sanity.

Because you’re very much aware that if you allow these people to cause you to lose any of the above, then you unwittingly give them power over your entire life and every aspect of it. You may not end up dead, but you won’t really live, you’ll only exist. And that’s no way to live!

No matter what happens, stay strong. Hold on to everything mentioned above, or as much of it as possible. And most of all, know that none of the bullying you suffer has anything to do with you and that there are people out there who care. Keep the faith, keep believing in yourself, and stand strong!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Problem with Looking Outside of Yourself for Your Value

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Bullying is hurtful no matter how confident you are, that much is true. We’re all human and we all have feelings and emotions. However, the effects of it are even more damaging when we’re insecure and only look outside of ourselves for our value, in fact, the damage to the self-esteem is exponentially higher.

The problem is that when you look outside of yourself for your value, you automatically look to others to give it to you. And when you do this, you put yourself at their mercy.

Therefore, I have repeatedly emphasized over six years of blogging that knowing your worth is your foundation and that it’s never good to look outside of ourselves for it. Understand that your value, or worth, whatever term you prefer, comes from within and never from without.

Here’s why it’s better to let your value come from the inside:’

1. You can never control the environment around you. Many times, we will find ourselves in toxic environments full of poisonous people, whether it be the school we attend, the company we work for, or the home or neighborhood we live in. When you know yourself and, in that, know your value and let it come from the inside, any bullying or abuse you’re likely to get from others won’t have such an impact on you.

It will hurt, yes. But it won’t be nearly as devastating and cause you to suppress as much of yourself because, deep down, you’ll know who you are and that the people around you are only saying the things they say to diminish you.

Also, when the crap gets too thick, you’ll know when it’s time to bail out of the environment. In knowing yourself and knowing your worth, you’ll realize that you don’t deserve this kind of treatment and that you’re better off leaving this cesspit and moving on to greener pastures.

And you’ll do it without feeling guilty- you’ll do it knowing that it isn’t because you’re “chicken” or “running away from your problems” but because you deserve better. You’ll know what’s best for you, and that it’s because you’re looking out for the best interests of your health.

2. You can never control others’ behavior and how they think of you. And because of this, it’s never good to rely on the approval of others for your value. Understand that there will always be people who don’t like you and some who even hate you and when you depend solely on the approval of others, you make yourself a doormat. Please, for your own sake and the sake of your mental health, don’t give another person that kind of power!

When your value comes from within, you will have respect for yourself, you will love yourself and you will have great self-esteem. You will give yourself compassion and care when others take pot shots at you. You will have the confidence and courage to protect yourself and stand up to abuse. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that the idiots around you are the ones who have the issues and not you.

Your value should always from you. Never from another. You get your value from knowing who you are and knowing that you were put on this earth for a good reason. Realize that everyone serves a good and higher purpose here. You may or may not know what that purpose is, but you are here for a purpose. Find that purpose and fulfill it. And know your value!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Difference between Confidence and Arrogance

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Many people get the two confused. Why? Because they’ve been conditioned to believe that even the smallest shred of confidence is arrogance and that it’s bad.

Sadly, many people are taught by bullies, abusers, or well-meaning people who, themselves were also taught such things and didn’t know better; that confidence, self-respect, self-love, and self-compassion are arrogance and they’re bad people for having those treasures. They are also manipulated into believing that they don’t deserve them.

If you were taught this, understand that you were fed lies. Confidence, basic self-respect, self-love, and self-compassion are not arrogant, and they aren’t selfish. What they are is essential– essential for good mental health and a good life. They’re crucial for happiness and fulfillment.

 

Realize that when someone attacks your confidence by accusing you of being arrogant or self-centered, it’s not about you. It’s really about them and always has been. Because they only do it to keep you down by making you feel less than them.

They do it because, deep down, they feel small. So, they feel they must push you down into the pits of low self-esteem so they can feel superior. These people, who are bullies, believe they must break your spirit to uplift theirs.

Oh, but wait! Here’s something else to think about here: maybe bullies and abusers drum this garbage into your head because they’re afraid. That’s right!

They’re frightened that if you manage to attain or to keep that precious confidence that you were born with, then you just might grow a pair of coconuts! You’re more likely to develop the spinal column to tell them where they can stick it and drop them like a bad habit!

Realize that this is about power. Moreover, it’s about making sure they keep you in your place, so they don’t risk losing their power over you.

So, what is the difference between confidence and arrogance? Here are your answers:

1. Confidence is healthy. It’s never shy nor boastful. It’s that happy and healthy middle between low self-esteem and smugness. When a person is confident, they don’t have to trumpet their own importance and they don’t have to show off. Confidence isn’t loud or obnoxious, it’s quiet. A confident person doesn’t boast or brag because they don’t have to. They know their value and all the good they bring to this world. They already know their own importance. Confidence is seen and not heard because it’s there.

Confident people believe they’re equal to everyone else. They believe they’re no better than anyone but just as good. They are kind to others and allow them to be themselves and do their own thing. However, a confident person is assertive. They aren’t afraid to set firm boundaries and lay down the law if another person sticks so much as a toe over their boundaries.

2. Arrogance is unhealthy- in fact, it’s toxic! Arrogance is extreme. It’s loud and obnoxious. When a person is arrogant, they’re full of themselves. An arrogant person makes sure that everyone around them knows how important they are because they announce it to the world.

Arrogance is like a peacock; it shows all it’s pretty colors and expects people to notice and give it recognition. Arrogance is boastful because it is insecure, and it craves attention, admiration, and adoration.

An arrogant person believes he’s superior. They treat people they deem inferior like dirt and will go out of their way to bully them and let them know who the king of the mountain is.

An arrogant person either doesn’t recognize boundaries, or he resents them. He believes that he should have carte blanche to violate another person’s boundaries and gets highly pissed if the person he bullies has the gall to stand up to him.

An arrogant person is a self-entitled, egotistical, self-satisfied turd who uses flamboyance to compensate for insecurity, cowardice, and weakness.

A confident person, on the other hand, doesn’t let his confidence effect the way he treats people because he believes that everyone has a right to respect and dignity.

I want you to know that it’s okay to be confident and to be comfortable in your own skin. It’s okay to have respect for yourself and to love yourself. And it’s okay to indulge in self-care and to tell some creep to go to hell if they get abusive with you. So, be confident! Know that you can have confidence without being a pompous stuffed shirt. Know your worth and that you deserve to be treated well and with love and respect.

With knowledge comes empowerment!