Tag: healing

glimmers psychology

Glimmers: How You Can Use Them to Heal from Bullying

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‘Want to know about glimmers and how they can help you heal from bullying? Here’s everything you need to know about these tiny little blessings!

glimmers

If you’re a victim of bullying, you need more glimmers and less triggers. That much is obvious. However, you may be wondering what glimmers are. Also, you may wonder how you use them to balance out the negative in your life and heal from bullying.

Well, you’re in luck because it’s easier than you might think!

In this post, you will learn all about glimmers. You’ll learn what they are and how they can help you heal from bullying or any other trauma. Also, you’ll learn how you can collect as many of them as humanly possible so that you can raise your mood and confidence levels.

Once you learn all about this game-changing information, you will be better able to raise your self-esteem, confidence, and happiness quotient. Moreover, you will be able to heal from and rise above bullying and live a much more peaceful life.

This post is all about glimmers and how they can totally change your life.

What are glimmers?

They are the opposite of triggers. Glimmers are those tiny, beautiful moments that make you feel safe, happy and calm. You can use them to heal from trauma.

And here’s the best part! Glimmers are easy to find. They’re everywhere! All you have to do is look for them.

They help you to heal from bullying or any traumatic event. Glimmers are those tiny reprieves that make you feel ALIVE!

Again, they help to balance out all the negativity in your life. In fact, if you can have an equal or greater number of glimmers than triggers, you can quickly begin recovering from bullying and other traumas in your life.

Finding That Healthy Balance Between Positive and Negative Experiences

Everyone has both positive and negative experiences, especially with others if they’re victims of bullying and abuse. This can determine their level of confidence and self-esteem.

The trick is to keep the positive either equal to or higher than the negative. This is where looking for and finding the glimmers comes in.

When targets of bullying feel hopeless and pushed to the breaking point, it means that they’ve had too many negative experiences with people. In fact, they’ve had so many that any positive experiences they once had become irrelevant.

Think of confidence and self-esteem as a bank account. If others bully a child nonstop for long enough, their positive account can quickly be depleted. Any more and it plunges into the negative.

Therefore, if you’re a parent and your child is a victim of bullying at school, you must help them find their glimmers.  In other words, help them deposit “money” into their confidence banks every day.

Glimmers should equal or outnumber the triggers.

If you give them words of encouragement and love. Those are glimmers. Moreover, you can also contribute a few more by teaching them the importance of confidence.

 The key is to create plenty of positive experiences for your child.

Again, positive words, actions, and experiences must equal or outnumber the negative ones they get from bullies at school. Only then will you repair their self-esteem, and help them regain confidence.

Finally, once confidence is restored, you child will be better able to combat bullies and, possibly, cease to be a target.

Talking about the abuse and getting it out in the open does help with healing. However, it only does so much. Therefore, if you want to help your child keep their self-esteem and confidence, you must help them create positive experiences (glimmers).

And they must be either equal to or more than the negative experiences they get from being the victim of bullies.

Help them establish friendships outside of the bullying environment. This will create wonderful memories. These are also glimmers and they’re the best kind of therapy there is.

Glimmers are everywhere if you look for them. And there’s an endless supply of them. Help your child catch as many as possible, then teach them to look for them. Do these things and you will succeed in helping them restore their confidence.

Just the same, if you’re the one being bullied, you must do the above for yourself.

Glimmers can turn a crappy life into a happy life.

To find the glimmers, you must look for them. However, once you begin looking for them, you’ll see them everywhere.

Examples

Here are several examples of glimmers.

  • The first big snow of the winter season.
  • Watching a beautiful sunrise.
  • Visiting a friend or family member you haven’t seen in a long time.
  • Seeing a shooting star.
  • Catching a firefly and setting it free.
  • Watching fireflies at night.
  • Sitting outside at night under the stars.
  • Lying in the grass during the day and watching those billowy, cumulus clouds.
  • Falling into a huge pile of fallen Autumn leaves.
  • Cuddling a puppy or a kitten.
  • Spending time cooking with your mother.
  • Camping out with your dad.
  • Shopping with your grandma.
  • Watching a rainbow.
  • Sipping hot cocoa in front of a bonfire on a chilly autumn evening.
  • Smelling a rose.
  • Listening to a cat purr.
  • Blooming flowers in the spring.
  • Fall foliage.
  • Listening to a nostalgic song.
  • The smell of incoming rain.
  • Working in a garden.
  • A cool breeze on a warm spring day.
  • Lying on a sunny beach.

I could go on and on…

Breaking it Down.

Let’s use a few on the above list as examples and explain why this works so well.

1. Sitting outside at night under the stars is a beautiful and peaceful experience. It allows you to forget all your troubles and just be in the moment. Just imagine it!

As you gaze up at the stars and listen to the crickets, you feel a gentle breeze blow and hear the leaves lightly rustle in the trees.

It’s peaceful moments like that that help you to forget all your trauma and be present, if only for a short moment.

2. Cuddling a puppy or kitten can also help reverse triggers and turn them into glimmers. Just imagine holding that cute baby animal. Think about the small puppy licking you in the face or listening to that tiny kitten purring as you stroke it’s fur.

Again, this allows you to forget all your troubles and live in the moment. Your attention is focused solely on that sweet baby animal in your arms and not the trauma you suffered in the past.

This is how glimmers heal and energize you. Life is short! Therefore, catch as many glimmers as humanly possible!

You Must Train Yourself to look for the glimmers.

In other words, instead of focusing on the triggers – the bad things, search for the glimmers. And once you do, you’ll find them everywhere. Moreover, you’ll be able to create them!

What are the benefits?

Glimmers bring a sense of safety and security. Moreover, they provide a sense of calm and tranquility. In that, they make you feel peace, joy and happiness.

Glimmers are signs of hope!

Here are other things they do. They relieve stress and improve your well-being. They also spark feelings of gratitude.

Glimmers vs Triggers

As mentioned earlier, glimmers are the exact opposite of triggers. Triggers are signals of danger. On the other hand, glimmers signal safety.

Triggers make you feel threatened. Glimmers bring feelings of protection. The former makes you feel anxious. The latter, relaxed.

Triggers throw you into survival mode, whereas, glimmers place you in thriving mode. Triggers only stir you up. Glimmers calm you down.

A sense of panic comes from triggers. Glimmers foster a sense of calm. Triggers make you angry or upset. Glimmers make you feel happy and at peace.

Triggers prepare you for a hostile environment, whereas, glimmers get you ready for one that’s peaceful.

The former crashes your mood. The latter significantly lifts it. In short, glimmers improve your overall mental health!

Therefore, look for the glimmers, especially if people bully you. Although bullying can leave you in a very dark place, if you look for the glimmers, they can be tiny flickers of light in the darkness. It is those tiny flickers that can make a huge difference in your life!

Where did the term come from?

Glimmers is a fairly new term that comes from Deb Dana, psychologist and author of “Polyvagal Theory and the Rhythm of Regulation.” She teaches trauma victims how to counteract their triggers using glimmers.

Therefore, find the glimmers and use them to heal and overcome bullying and abuse. I can tell you that I’ll be actively looking for them from here on out!

This post was all about glimmers and what they are. Also, it was about how you can use them to benefit your mental health and buffer yourself from the onslaught of bullying.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. When You Start Seeing Your Worth, 17 Amazing Changes Happen.

2. The Bullied Brain: 7 Ways Bullying Effects Mental Health

3. Make New Friends: 11 Insanely Easy Ways to Attract Buddies

4. How to Overcome Unnecessary Fear: 5 Easy Ways to Eradicate It

5. Benefits of Positive Thinking: 6 Positive Changes You’ll See

A Long Recovery from Bullying (Part 2- Graduation and Beyond)

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Graduation was bittersweet. Although I was happy to graduate high school, I was sad because I would miss my classmates and teachers from Roseburg High. I felt that it ended too soon.

My first five years post-graduation was full of ups and downs. I struggled with bouts of depression and didn’t know why. I was on the rollercoaster again and desperately wanted to get off but didn’t know how. Having babies and being a post-partum new mother only doubled the depression that was already there.

I lived, and I worked. I was a mother of two small children but only going through the motions and surviving- existing. It felt as if I was living on autopilot. But then, something amazing happened!

In 1995, I came across a magazine article while on my lunch break at work. The article was about a kid severely bullied at school. Like me, his bullies had tormented him so horrifically that he thought about suicide and eventually transferred to another school. Also, like me, his life changed for the better. He, too, had made a complete turnaround and finally gotten the chance to experience the friends, fun, and excitement that high school was supposed to be.

Reading this article was a turning point for me, and finding it was one of the best things that happened. This piece in the magazine answered so many questions and confirmed that none of the abuse I’d suffered at my classmates’ hands was my fault. The article was also validation that there was never anything wrong with me. It only cemented the truth I’d always known deep down inside- I wasn’t to blame for their abuse.

They were the perpetrators.

They had the issues.

I was being held responsible for problems that were theirs, not mine.

With this confirmation came my empowerment!

During those years, many people, including a few well-meaning family members, had often told me that the bullying I suffered was all in my imagination or wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Many more had said to me that I brought it all on myself. Deep down, I knew better.

blame accuse pointing finger

In my heart, I had known the truth years before I found this article and held on to it. Maybe this personal knowledge was why I resisted my bullies and fought back, even if it meant getting hurt. And perhaps it was why I suffered so many physical assaults. Nevertheless, I needed confirmation- a second opinion of sorts, and the article was exactly what I needed.

At that moment, everything fit together like a perfect puzzle! I cannot express the relief I felt. It was as if the article had lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. My heart began to soar!

For the first time, I was able to see the bullying for what it was- abuse!

I began to thirst for even more knowledge of bullying and the human predator/prey dynamic. From then on, I read everything I could get my hands on- magazine articles, essays, books, online articles, everything that pertained to bullying and peer abuse.

There were so many unanswered questions:

“What was it about me that made me a target?”

“How had my bullies been allowed to get away with their brutality?”

“What was it about my bullies that made them so charming and good to everyone else?”

The word Answer on a puzzle piece to symbolize the quest for understanding in answering questions and concerns

“What were the ingredients to their charm and allure?”

“Where had their intense hate, mean-spiritedness, and sadistic natures come from? What had precipitated it?”

“Had they too been abused, or were they just spoiled, coddled narcissists infected with schadenfreude?”

So many questions haunted me and increased my curiosity. So, I continued digging for information, like a police detective eager to solve a case.

During the late nineties, I came across Tim Field’s BullyOnline.org and hungrily read every one of his articles. The website was massive, and it took a while to read. I went through it with a fine-toothed comb. If I had questions, I emailed Tim, and he would always reply in a timely and courteous manner.

Sadly, Mr. Field is no longer with us. He passed away from cancer years ago.

It’s been 25 years since I found the article that changed my life, and I cannot tell you how many sources of information I’ve poured through. I can’t measure the truckloads of knowledge attained and how much just the knowing has empowered me.

Between experience and two and a half decades of reading, research, and study, I’ve gained insights that have empowered me even more. That article back in 1995 set me on a path to greater knowledge and a passion for helping other bullying targets through writing and advocacy.

I’ve found what I love to do, and it is so rewarding!

I thank God for placing that article in front of me that day at work. Otherwise, I might still be wandering in the dark and trying to find my way.

That magazine article truly changed my outlook on the bullying I suffered. I no longer see it as something that ruined my life. No.

I see the bullying as an event that gave me a fiery passion for speaking out about my own experiences and sharing the knowledge I’ve gained to help people who endure bullying today. It showed me my life’s work and, through that, gave me eventual confidence and happiness.

I do not need to hate my bullies, nor to take revenge. Turning abuse around to the benefit of others is how I turn victimization into power! And that, my friends, is the best revenge a person can ever take!

If you’re a target of bullying, know this:

What’s happening to you is wrong and it isn’t your fault. You never asked to be brutalized, you do matter, and you are enough!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

A Long Recovery from Bullying

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PTSD

First and foremost, I’d like to thank Amber, a friend and fellow blogger who inspired me to write this post.

The healing certainly didn’t happen overnight. My trial by fire ended during my senior year when I finally managed to escape my Oakley High School bullies through a school transfer. My new school, Roseberg High, felt like a paradise! Everyone there accepted me as I was, and I made so many new friends. I felt safe again and was finally able to relax and be myself.

I felt as if my life was finally beginning, and I could finally put Oakley High School behind me and move on. But it didn’t come without a few hang-ups. The last several months at Roseburg were the best of all four years of high school, but I didn’t realize that I was still carrying a lot of leftover baggage from the severe abuse I suffered at the old school.

Although I was in a much safer learning environment, there were afternoons during my first month at Roseburg when I’d have a long cry after I got home from school. Being four months pregnant at the time, I mistook the tears for the raging hormones of pregnancy.

Though I loved my new school and all the people there, I regretted that I couldn’t have transferred schools earlier than I had. I was grieving the loss of so many years- years that I could never get back.

My then-husband worked a twelve-hour graveyard shift, and I spent most nights at home alone. In the afternoons, he would be asleep when I’d come in from school. So, I had plenty of time to grieve.

During those times, I also suffered flashbacks of the bullying, and they would come automatically and without warning- flashbacks of being shoved to the floor, brutally beaten, cursed out, and yelled at. At night I’d have nightmares.

In these nightmares, I’d be swimming in a lake and enjoying the water. Suddenly I’d stop and look around to see that my classmates from Oakley High were in the water as well, and they surrounded me. One of them would push my head underwater, and I’d fight like crazy to come back up for air.

But as soon as I’d get my head above water and gasp for breath, they’d shove me back under again. Once more, I’d have to hold my breath and fight with my arms flailing in the water, trying to come up and get away from them.

Finally, I couldn’t hold my breath any longer and had no other choice but to give up the fight to live. Just as I inhaled and felt the searing burn of water fill my lungs, I’d wake up with a jolt. I also had another dream that one of my old bullies hunted me down and shot me. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, so frightened I couldn’t move a muscle. I’d only lay there, trembling in the darkness.

During my first month out, I also dealt with a lot of sadness and anger that didn’t show. Roseburg High was my happy place, and while I was there during the day, I didn’t have those emotions, nor did I have the flashbacks. The sadness, anger, flashbacks, and dreams only happened when I was home alone or sleeping, and I wanted so badly to forget about Oakley and live in the present.

During that month, I also felt a degree of shame- shame that I now realize wasn’t mine to bear. In my mind, I’d ask myself,

“What’s wrong with me? I’m out of that hellhole now! I should be happy about that! And I am, but why do I keep having these episodes of crying and feeling angry any time I’m alone?”

When I felt angry, I wasn’t as mad at my former classmates but myself for allowing them to tear me down and bring me so low.

I felt like a battered wife who’d just left her abusive husband!

I was fortunate, though. It didn’t take long for the raw emotions, the flashbacks, and the nightmares to go away, and I begin to focus on making great memories with my Roseburg friends and classmates. During that month, I had allowed myself to feel and to cry. I talked to a few of my most trusted family and friends.

I realized that I wasn’t wrong to have those emotions as they were signs that something was terribly wrong in my previous environment. I also began to understand that I wasn’t what was wrong. I’m thankful that I didn’t bury those emotions like so many survivors of bullying do. I’ve since concluded that what I experienced was the release of feelings that had, for a long time, been suppressed.

They were emotions that I wasn’t allowed to have in the old environment and was afraid to feel and show because I knew they’d punish me for it with more bullying. The only alternative had been to keep those feelings buried deep. And although my parents were well-meaning, there were times that neither of them could accept the emotions I felt.

Only after I got out of there did they begin to pour forth.

After a month of riding that roller coaster, I can tell you that everything finally subsided, and I felt like a new person! I didn’t get any therapy, although I should have. I was young, newly married, and expecting my first child, and everything was changing so fast I could barely keep up. So, I worked through it on my own.

Beautiful cloudscape over the sea, sunrise shot

And with the help of a new and nourishing environment, a few trusted people in my life, and new friends, I was able to get through the horrible after-effects of bullying and peer abuse. I began to set goals to learn about computers and make Honor Roll at my new school. As my grades skyrocketed and I achieved those goals, so did my confidence!

Sadly, most survivors of bullying aren’t as lucky as I was. Many take years to even get through the grief.

(Continued in Part 2)

Your Key to Happiness

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To me, the key to happiness is finding purpose- a purpose that’s so much bigger than yourself, and contributing to it. Happiness comes when you answer a calling and make it your passion, purpose, and life’s work. Becoming an advocate for the bullied and tackling things about bullying that few people think about is where I get my happiness.

That purpose is informing others aspects of bullying that no one talks about and in that, helping targets reclaim their personal power. This is so much bigger than me. And it’s why it feels so rewarding!

Contributing to helping others more successfully battle bullying isn’t for material gain, fame, or fortune. It’s for my spiritual fulfillment. It’s the inner rewards I get. Rewards of the heart- knowing that this is making a difference and making the world a better place- even if just a little bit.

There’s no reward that matches that! I want to be the person I needed when I was targeted years ago.

Sure. Material rewards are nice, don’t get me wrong. And I certainly won’t turn them down if I’m ever blessed with them. I would love to make a good living doing what I love. After all, I’m human too.

But at the end of the day, the inner rewards- the rewards to the heart and spirit are more satisfying than I ever thought they would be.

It’s what keeps me going and it’s where my fulfillment comes from.

Living in The Past Is a Hallmark of Victim-Mentality

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A while back, a fellow blogger inspired this post with a comment, and she was spot on with it. For the life of me, I cannot remember who the blogger was, but I’d like to thank her in advance.

Sadly, too many survivors of bullying still render themselves, victims by living in the past. They constantly ruminate over the bullying they endured, wondering if they could have done anything differently and wishing they had.

They look back with remorse, shame, guilt, and regret. Now, it’s normal to do right after you’ve gotten out of the toxic environment that encouraged the bullying. I completely understand because I did it too. However, when this goes on for years and years, you only hold yourself back. Unnecessary baggage only keeps you down.

Many survivors trap themselves in an endless cycle of what-ifs. They keep themselves stuck and forgo opportunities to learn from and grow from their experiences. Some seek revenge. Others only bury it, live in denial, and try to rewrite history.

Understand that this is a waste of your time.

On the other hand, some survivors become conquerors. They acknowledge that, yes, the bullying happened, and, yes, it was painful, then aspire to learn and grow from it.

I realize that, once you’re out of an extremely toxic environment, there will be a period of grief. Again, completely understandable. It’s okay to mourn the loss of time bullying caused. It’s okay, even recommended, to feel angry and hurt for a while. In no way should you ever trivialize this period of mourning because it’s real, and it happens to survivors when they’re fresh out of an abusive situation.

And different people have different periods of grief.

My crying stage lasted a month; yours may be a lot longer or shorter. It depends on the person. Some may choose to get therapy, and others won’t. But there comes the point when you must move on and not allow it to take over your life. Don’t let your bullies live in your mind rent-free for too many years. They’ve already taken away enough of your life. Don’t you think?

You owe it to yourself to heal and begin to accept what happened, then learn and grow from it. Only then can you reach empowerment and find happiness.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How I Knew I Had Healed from Bullying

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When I could talk about and better yet, write about the bullying I had suffered and be open and honest about how it made me feel without feeling ashamed or embarrassed, that’s when I knew I had healed.

I also discovered some positive takeaways, such as wisdom, a sharper people sense, and an ability to detect lies and sense bad intentions. I also developed a determination to put my needs first and to say no. In short, I discovered the value of self-care.

I now realize that the bullying I suffered back then was only ensuring that I wouldn’t be a target later because it was teaching me exactly what to watch out for in other people. But even better, it was setting me on the path I was meant to be on. It was paving the way for me to help others!

Anytime we haven’t healed from trauma, we tend to bury it and deny it ever happened. We pretend we’re stronger than what we are, and we act as if we’re someone we aren’t. We run from it rather than admit what happened to us and how it changed our lives.

Healing isn’t easy because to heal requires that we feel the pain. We must allow ourselves to go through emotions that aren’t comfortable and that make us feel vulnerable and out of control. That’s the most difficult part. We must admit to ourselves that our bullies and abusers made us feel weak. Understand that this process will take time. It will not happen quickly. It may even take years.

But in the end, it will be worth it because once the pain and feelings of vulnerability are dealt with and begin to subside, we can move on and get our lives back. We can finally attain the happiness we deserve.

In fact, we can use what we endured to help someone else who is currently suffering the same scourge and there’s nothing more rewarding!

This is what makes us not only survivors, but overcomers, winners, conquerors!

So, know that you can escape bullying. You can heal, and you can overcome! You too can become a conqueror! Please hold on to hope!