Tag: empowerment

empowerment

What Comes with Empowerment

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Empowerment from bullying is the best feeling ever and I say this from personal experience. However, it comes with some personal responsibility. Why do I say this? Again, it’s because of experience. Before I could re-empower myself and send my bullies packing, I had to take a certain amount of responsibility.

I not only had to learn the mindsets of bullying and do my own investigations, but I also had to learn how to respond instead of reacting. I had to find ways to empower myself and realize that once you begin taking steps to do so, the bullying will get worse before it gets better. And I had to change my own way of thinking. In that, I had to stop seeing myself as a victim and start viewing myself as a target instead. Words do matter.

Empowerment means having more control over our lives. It means having the courage to make our own decisions, even if those decisions upset other people. If we’re targets of bullying and we aren’t careful, we may unwittingly and unknowingly allow our bullies to take those things from us.

Therefore, let’s talk more in-depth about the empowerment process.

What steps can we take to empower ourselves?

1. Find your purpose. Having a purpose is so empowering! However, it requires that you find out what it is. Think back to those childhood inclinations and try to remember what your strongest inclination was. Did you want to be a singer? A writer? This is one way.

2. Find your passion. What do you enjoy doing? What is your favorite hobby? How might it help you to make the world a better place? If you can answer these questions, then chances are, you’ve found your passion.

3. Read and learn about bullies and bullying. This requires getting abreast of your bullies’ mindsets and weaknesses. How you do this is to read all you can about bullying. And when you read, you must think about all the behaviors your bullies have displayed, then put two and two together. And once you do, you will finally see the bullies for the pathetic cowards they are, and your self-esteem will soar!

It Won’t Come Easy!

 Finding your purpose and passion are wonderful ways to empower yourself. It gives you something to do that will take your mind off the bullying you suffer. Therefore, the bullying won’t have the effect on you that it would have if you only sat around and dwelled on it.

However, it won’t come without resistance from those around you. Sadly, when we chose to follow our purpose, passion, goals, and dreams, it can induce jealousy and insecurity, especially in your bullies. Moreover, they will find ways to distract you from achieving your desired outcomes.

Also, getting knowledge of your bullies and of bullying can empower you. In fact, it’s one of the most empowering things you can do. And once you realize where bullying comes from and why bullies do it, it won’t have near the effort on your self-esteem that it once did.

Again, don’t think any of these steps won’t come with some resistance.

So, what are the things bullies and other people will do to get in your way?

1. They will fill you with doubt. If there’s one thing you should remember, it’s this: Those who fill you with doubt also doubt themselves. When their own self-doubt holds them back, they will project it onto you and hold you back as well.

2. They won’t be as excited about your dreams as you are. But don’t take it personally. Only a few people in your life will be as excited about your dreams as you and vise versa. You will only be as excited about the dreams of those you love most and wish well. And bullies will laugh at your dreams. This is a fact of life.

Therefore, don’t let that kill your excitement and don’t let it stop you. Because, if you’re not careful, it’s easy to let their lack of enthusiasm discourage you.

3. They may go a step further and discourage you. They may tell you that your goal or dreams isn’t worth pursuing. Maybe, they’ll tell you that you’ll only fail. This can inject fear in your mind and cause you to hesitate taking the first step to success.

 Playing Mind Games with Yourself

Understand that bullies and others who discourage you, do so based on their own limitations and failures. Their discouragement comes from their own worldview. And their worldview is that of failure and disappointment. In other words, their own limited self-beliefs stem from their own lack of success and their observation of others around them who failed to achieve their goals and dreams.

Some discourage you because they are afraid that you’ll succeed and, in that, force them to take stock of their own lack of accomplishment. But others, who may indeed care about you, may call themselves trying to spare you from the heartache of failure. For example, let’s say you want to go into the music business and others are piling on a mountain of discouragement.

Here are some questions you will need to ask yourself:

1. Does this person really know more about music than you do?

2. Does this individual understand you as a person? Have they even taken the time to do so?

3. Have they themselves worked hard and achieved any of their own goals and dreams?

If the answer is no, then you should give no consideration to anything they tell you. We must do what we love. In other words, we must follow our purpose and passion. Otherwise, the desire to do so won’t have an outlet and will only grow. Also, the bullying we suffer will have more of a chance of getting under our skin.

You will only continue to squelch those desires, only for them to resurface? Or worse, you’ll end up living with regret? You must realize that people who are determined to stay in their comfort zones also want you to stay in yours.

Comfort Zones Only Keep You Stuck

Realize that empowerment comes with personal responsibility. It comes with a ton of mind work and much re-framing. And when bullies are attacking you left and right, it can be extremely difficult to re-frame those attacks and keep that victim mentality from getting a grip on you. However, if you want to keep your power and move toward a better life, you must refuse to call yourself a victim. Instead, call yourself a target. Because you are a target. But you don’t have to be a victim.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

A Bully’s Power is Your Lack of Knowledge

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If you are a target of bullying, you must have knowledge of not only where your bullies draw their power from, but where your own power comes from.

If you don’t know it, you must learn it. And once you do, you will disarm bullies from a very powerful tool. And that tool is your lack of knowledge. Realize that your lack of awareness of your own value, along with the bully’s nature, mindset, and tactics is their biggest power.

Therefore, when you understand the value that you bring and how bullies think and operate, their moves and power plays will no longer have any effect on you.

Again, your lack of knowledge of your own power and potential is the main area from where your bullies draw their power.

In other words, if you already know the bullies are bad news and that they aren’t worthy of your time nor consideration, they can’t get over on you. Why? Because it takes two to create a bullying incident- the bully and the target.

So, what pillars must you realize to understand your power?

1. Your goodness

2. Strength

3. Rights

In that, you know your value. And this is your power.

Additionally, when you don’t realize your value, that’s another one of the bullies’ greatest assets. And it’s why many targets simp out- they don’t know their value, rights, nor strength.

When You Simp, You Only Hand Over Your Power.

Many targets simp for approval, attention, and popularity and most don’t realize they’re doing it. In doing these things, you not only get worse abuse from the bullies, but you also lose respect from bystanders who would otherwise be friends and allies. Therefore, even the bystanders and witnesses will begin to mistreat you too. And that reason will be that you don’t respect yourself.

Understand that if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will respect you either.

Therefore, you must respect yourself and do it in the early stages of bullying. Because once the bullying has gone on for so long, it will be too late. And the way to self-respect is to have knowledge of your value and your power. Know your worth and you will know your power!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Why Bullies Usually End Up Eating Their Own

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Bullies want to have a target or a victim. In fact, they need targets. To feel almighty and powerful, bullies must have people to dominate and subjugate. And having power over is extremely addictive to them. It’s like a drug. It’s why bullies repeatedly bully their targets over a a long period of time, years even. Because that “drug” wears off rather quickly and it won’t be long before your bullies come back for their next “fix.”

However, what happens when you finally realize who your bullies really are behind the tough facades, they put up? What happens when the masks fall off, and your bullies’ cowardice and insecurity come to light? Oooo! This is beginning to sound delicious, isn’t it?

Here’s what happens. Once the target sees these revelations, his confidence will get a big boost. The target will realize that she isn’t and never was the one with the issues. In this, he will find that it was the bullies who had the issues all along. Then, the target will finally have the courage to give the bullies the old proverbial middle finger and tell them all to go eat a fat one.

Moreover, the power dynamic will take a sudden shift and the scales will automatically tip in the target’s favor. In other words, the person will be a target no more. Remember that the best way to disempower bullies is to empower targets.

Because, once the target ceases to be a target, bullies no longer have power over him. Therefore, the bullies must go search for another target.

The Sudden Power Shift

When these bullies spot several potential targets, they’ll test the waters by performing several tests on these “potentials.” They will test these potential targets by watching them closely and launching subtle attacks and insults just to see how they react. But! What will the bullies do next, when things don’t go quite the way they expect? What happens when the potentials also give them the double middle finger?

Uh-oh, now they can’t find someone they can target! Curses! Now, what’s a poor bully to do? Simple. They begin eating their own. In other words, they turn on a member of their in-group.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Once the bullying in-group runs out of targets on the outside, they have no choice but to turn their bullying inward and start bullying people within their group.

Remember that bullies need a target victim. They need someone to dominate and subjugate to have power because they can’t get power any other way. Without someone to ride roughshod over, to tell what to do, and to exert control over, bullies feel powerless. And you know what? They are!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How You Regain Your Power

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You regain your power by changing your mindset. Realize that a victim mentality only breeds a funky attitude.

I may have been a target, but I was never a victim. I thought I was during the entire time I was bullied and for a while after it was over. Understand that a victim mentality, when taken to extremes, serves no purpose. It only breeds laziness and entitlement. You feel that the world owes you something. It doesn’t.

I had the same attitude and it got me nowhere!

Also, if you hold on to it and let it define you, you’ll only attract more bullies and abusers in your life. We are what we think, and the universe will provide more of the stuff that matches our thoughts.

That is why it’s so important that you shed this mentality of defeat. Only then will you re-empower yourself and win true peace and happiness!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

A Long Recovery from Bullying (Part 2- Graduation and Beyond)

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Graduation was bittersweet. Although I was happy to graduate high school, I was sad because I would miss my classmates and teachers from Roseburg High. I felt that it ended too soon.

My first five years post-graduation was full of ups and downs. I struggled with bouts of depression and didn’t know why. I was on the rollercoaster again and desperately wanted to get off but didn’t know how. Having babies and being a post-partum new mother only doubled the depression that was already there.

I lived, and I worked. I was a mother of two small children but only going through the motions and surviving- existing. It felt as if I was living on autopilot. But then, something amazing happened!

In 1995, I came across a magazine article while on my lunch break at work. The article was about a kid severely bullied at school. Like me, his bullies had tormented him so horrifically that he thought about suicide and eventually transferred to another school. Also, like me, his life changed for the better. He, too, had made a complete turnaround and finally gotten the chance to experience the friends, fun, and excitement that high school was supposed to be.

Reading this article was a turning point for me, and finding it was one of the best things that happened. This piece in the magazine answered so many questions and confirmed that none of the abuse I’d suffered at my classmates’ hands was my fault. The article was also validation that there was never anything wrong with me. It only cemented the truth I’d always known deep down inside- I wasn’t to blame for their abuse.

They were the perpetrators.

They had the issues.

I was being held responsible for problems that were theirs, not mine.

With this confirmation came my empowerment!

During those years, many people, including a few well-meaning family members, had often told me that the bullying I suffered was all in my imagination or wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Many more had said to me that I brought it all on myself. Deep down, I knew better.

blame accuse pointing finger

In my heart, I had known the truth years before I found this article and held on to it. Maybe this personal knowledge was why I resisted my bullies and fought back, even if it meant getting hurt. And perhaps it was why I suffered so many physical assaults. Nevertheless, I needed confirmation- a second opinion of sorts, and the article was exactly what I needed.

At that moment, everything fit together like a perfect puzzle! I cannot express the relief I felt. It was as if the article had lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. My heart began to soar!

For the first time, I was able to see the bullying for what it was- abuse!

I began to thirst for even more knowledge of bullying and the human predator/prey dynamic. From then on, I read everything I could get my hands on- magazine articles, essays, books, online articles, everything that pertained to bullying and peer abuse.

There were so many unanswered questions:

“What was it about me that made me a target?”

“How had my bullies been allowed to get away with their brutality?”

“What was it about my bullies that made them so charming and good to everyone else?”

The word Answer on a puzzle piece to symbolize the quest for understanding in answering questions and concerns

“What were the ingredients to their charm and allure?”

“Where had their intense hate, mean-spiritedness, and sadistic natures come from? What had precipitated it?”

“Had they too been abused, or were they just spoiled, coddled narcissists infected with schadenfreude?”

So many questions haunted me and increased my curiosity. So, I continued digging for information, like a police detective eager to solve a case.

During the late nineties, I came across Tim Field’s BullyOnline.org and hungrily read every one of his articles. The website was massive, and it took a while to read. I went through it with a fine-toothed comb. If I had questions, I emailed Tim, and he would always reply in a timely and courteous manner.

Sadly, Mr. Field is no longer with us. He passed away from cancer years ago.

It’s been 25 years since I found the article that changed my life, and I cannot tell you how many sources of information I’ve poured through. I can’t measure the truckloads of knowledge attained and how much just the knowing has empowered me.

Between experience and two and a half decades of reading, research, and study, I’ve gained insights that have empowered me even more. That article back in 1995 set me on a path to greater knowledge and a passion for helping other bullying targets through writing and advocacy.

I’ve found what I love to do, and it is so rewarding!

I thank God for placing that article in front of me that day at work. Otherwise, I might still be wandering in the dark and trying to find my way.

That magazine article truly changed my outlook on the bullying I suffered. I no longer see it as something that ruined my life. No.

I see the bullying as an event that gave me a fiery passion for speaking out about my own experiences and sharing the knowledge I’ve gained to help people who endure bullying today. It showed me my life’s work and, through that, gave me eventual confidence and happiness.

I do not need to hate my bullies, nor to take revenge. Turning abuse around to the benefit of others is how I turn victimization into power! And that, my friends, is the best revenge a person can ever take!

If you’re a target of bullying, know this:

What’s happening to you is wrong and it isn’t your fault. You never asked to be brutalized, you do matter, and you are enough!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

The Empowered Target

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You drummed your propaganda into my head

You attempted to fill me full of fear and dread

You thought you’d forever put me to sleep

By filling my ears with your words so cheap

But I eventually stirred, yawned, and awoke

Eventually released myself from your yoke

Got rid of your anchor and changed my berth

On that blessed day when I realized my worth

Into my life great blessings began to flow

Fresh blessings and opportunities knocked at my door

I transcended your pettiness

I scoffed at your wretchedness

Rose above your abuse

This battle I didn’t lose

Your pathetic attempts to project

No longer have their previous effect

I smirk at your buffoonery

I laugh at your douchebaggery

I scoff at your attempts to verbally batter

Because your views no longer matter

Do what you say you’ll do if you dare

What you’re going to do, I don’t care

Bullies Want to Make You Believe You Need Them. You don’t!

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bullied victim blamed

Bullies want you to believe that you’re nothing without their approval.

They want you to think that they control your very existence and that you can’t make friends, find a date, make the sports team, win a prize or have any successes without their say so.

Understand that this is how they brainwash you to wrest complete control and domination over your life. If they can make you believe that you’re nothing without their approval, then they succeed in taking away your power!

But know this! You do not need approval from anyone except the people who love you back. If the person doesn’t see your worth, their opinions of you shouldn’t matter.

A Survivor’s Message

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Many bullied kids (and adults) are committing suicide. This should hit home with many people because the suicide rate among bullied kids and teens is astronomical! It certainly hits home with me because I attempted suicide at age fourteen after having been bullied for several years.

Therefore, I wrote, “From Victim to Victor: A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying,” to tell my story and to give encouragement to today’s youth. I survived, and things got much better once I left that toxic learning environment I was bullied in.

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I want the bullied children and teens of today to know these truths:

  1. They can overcome and move on to a better life.
  2. School is only one chapter of their lives, not the entire book.
  3. There are better ways to handle bullying other than taking your own life.
  4. They must love themselves and be themselves regardless of what others think.
  5. They are just as good as anyone else, regardless of what they’re told.
  6. They can do anything they put their minds to if they believe in themselves.
  7. They must educate themselves about bullies, their mindsets, their tactics, and the damage they can do.
  8. They must recognize the beginning symptoms of low self-esteem and find ways to fight it.
  9. They must realize that if bullies take their confidence, then bullies can alter the course of their lives.
  10. They have more power than they know.
  11. Confidence is the key to a better and more rewarding life.