Tag: dominance

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You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

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Did you know that there are times when you don’t have to explain yourself? Do you want to know the 5 reasons you shouldn’t and under which circumstances?

you don't have to explain yourself

A sad part of people targeting you for bullying is that they will force you to take responsibility for things you can’t control, like their horrid behavior. Also, chances are good that you’re doing all the research on how to gather the courage to refuse to answer to your bullies.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Sure, people have told you this time and time again. But how do you gather the courage to refuse? You learn, most likely, the hard way, that your bullies are only trying to strip you of your personal power.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn the reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself to your bullies.

After you learn not to answer to these people, you will finally be your own hero. Also, you will take back your personal power and live in peace.

This post is all about the steps and mindsets to get to a place to where you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. These are things that every target of bullying should learn.

You Don’t have to Explain Yourself

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. There are reasons bullies accuse and attack you. Also, there are reasons why you don’t owe them any explanations.

1. Bullies project on you. They accuse you of the same things they are guilty of.

The reason they do this is to make you look like the guilty man. And when you try to explain yourself to them and swear up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong, your bullies will twist it to make it look as if you’re the one trying to cover your own behind.

For example, when you stand up for yourself, they will accuse you of being rude and disrespectful. However, realize that your bullies will only do this to gaslight you and make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

Don’t fall for it. Simply call out their gaslighting and tell them to step off. Or,  you could just put your hand up and walk away.

However, in most cases, your best recourse is to not try so hard to convince anyone of anything. Let people believe what they want, then let that help you decide who you should cut out of your life for good.

For the love of Pete! If the people who take your bullies word over yours are those you thought were your friends, show those people the door. Fast!

Look at it this way. These people aren’t really your friends and they don’t deserve the privilege of your presence, let alone your friendship! Stop keeping company with people who aren’t worth your time.

Understand that when you rid yourself of fake friends, you automatically make room for true friends to come into your life. And believe me, they will. You might have to wait a while but better people will show up in your life.

2. Another Reason Why You don’t have to explain yourself: Some people Will Try to Bait you

Moreover, the reason they bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. These psychological payoffs are satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

To break it down, while you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince your bullies that you aren’t guilty of whatever they’re accusing you of, they’re mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the back.

They’re proud of themselves over how easily they’ve gotten you to react. Also, they’re getting a high on how easily they can scare you, make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one.

3. Explanations are usually a waste of time and energy

Why? For three reasons:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that most people only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong.

Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Sometimes it’s just better to let them all know up front that you don’t owe them any explanations. Then, end the confrontation by telling them all to piss off before turning your back on them and walking away.

4. If nothing else, know this! Your bullies and abusers already know you’re innocent of their accusations.

In other words, all the mind games they play with you are deliberate!

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, they’re doing it to make a big show. Have you noticed that toxic people usually loudly accuse you of something in front of an audience?

Again, these people already know you’re innocent. They’re only doing it for show and to achieve nefarious ends.

They are, more than likely, fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression they accuse you of. So, you must realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react.

And why would they stop? You’ve probably been giving them that rush of power all along. And your bullies are addicted to it.

Understand that the power rush always wears off quickly. Therefore, your bullies will only crave another rush soon and come back for more. Power is something bullies can’t get enough of.

5. even if you produce evidence to prove your point, you will have to work to gather that evidence.

Do you really want to work that hard all your life? Here’s another hard fact about bullies:

They get their thrills just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself. Therefore, stop trying so hard to prove yourself to people who don’t (or shouldn’t) matter.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to people who have no bearing on my life. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t sign my paychecks, and they aren’t my spouse or my parents. These people have no say over any part of my life.

4. Are they even up to my level?

5. Do they bring anything positive and worthwhile to my life?

Once you ask these questions, you will know the answers. Moreover, you’ll realize that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death.

It’s difficult not to began rattling off in nervousness, when you just want them to go away and leave you in peace. But trust me, they won’t! Remember, bullies and abusers always come back for more!

This bears repeating. It won’t make things better. If anything, the harassment will only get worse because your reaction will only make you an even bigger and easier target.

Here’s what Will Happen Once You Realize what Your Bullies are Doing

 Once you realize what your bullies are doing and where it all comes from, you will began to get bored with them.  Also, you will blow the bullies off with a “whatever,” and walk away because their mind games will no longer affect you.

Therefore, you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails. Moreover, you won’t be any fun to them anymore.

The day will then come when your bullies will finally leave you alone and find some one else to toy around with.

This is why you must do whatever is necessary to take back your personal power and your life. Stop thinking you have to explain yourself to people who could care less anyway. Since when do you owe thing a damn thing?

Know that you deserve so much better. Command the respect you deserve. Also command better treatment. And if that means you walk away and sever ties with toxic people, then, so be it.

Therefore, know that you can do better than them.

This post is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. Its purpose was to help you lift yourself out of victimhood and reclaim your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

Body Language Speaks Louder Than Words

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Body Language Speaks Louder Than Words

Words have power, yes. But without the body language that goes with them, they’re only static- empty noise. The best way to ward off bullies is to influence them by transmitting the most appropriate and compelling nonverbal cues.

Around 80% of communication is nonverbal, we’ve often heard, and it’s the truth! Therefore, it’s not only necessary, but wise to pay closer attention to others in terms of body language. In other words, we must pay closer attention to pantomimes, which are their facial expressions, gestures, demeanor, and mannerisms.

Likewise, we should also pay close attention to the way we come off to people through our own nonverbals.

We Often Miss the Subtler Body Language

In other words, we not only need to learn to better read other’s body language but also to better monitor our own physical signals, so we don’t give others the wrong impressions. However, it’s not as easy as it looks. Many forms of body language are so subtle that we can miss them if we’re not careful.

Therefore, we must find ways to learn these micro-signals and what they mean. And once we do, we will gain mastery over our social situations.

If you’re stuck in an environment that’s peppered with bullies, the ability to read even the most subtle cues is a must. Bullies are masters at hiding their imperfections, their motives, and their intentions. Therefore, you must pick up on what they try to conceal, and you can only do it by correctly observing their most subtle cues and pantomimes.

Every movement, even the tiniest, from eye movements to gestures, holds a wealth of information. Moreover, every body position and stance also hold info. Everything people do or don’t do conveys a message. We are forever communicating.

Every Tiny Movement Conveys a Message

Therefore, you must be aware of it. And if you aren’t good at reading these silent subtleties, you must learn how. But here’s good news! The areas of intelligence we weren’t born with are those we can learn.

Even those who have high-functioning autism can study and learn these things to better improve their social lives. I’ve seen a few people on the spectrum do this and it helped them to change their situations and live better lives. As a result, they moved on to better relationships with family and to make good friends. They also went on to get married and have families of their own.

Therefore, we must learn the subtext of not only words, but also nonverbal signals. Subtext can be read in our choices of clothing to wear and in the way we arrange our furniture. Moreover, it can be read in the rise and fall of our voices when we speak. Each of us is a living, breathing open book to those who are expert people-readers.

The Importance of Subtext

Again, it’s imperative that you learn to read what people are thinking and feeling more accurately. This includes learning to pick on up their hidden motivations and intentions. Once you do, you will better be able to distinguish between who’s for real and who’s fake.

More importantly, this new knowledge will protect you from sneaky and nefarious people. It will also open you up to limitless opportunities! Also, in learning to transmit the right nonverbal signals, you will repel bullies, abusers, users, and other unsavory types of people. You will be able to bring down social barriers, build rapport with others, and build connections. Ultimately, it will help you become more fruitful in life and have confidence you never thought you’d have!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Non-Verbal Bullying Tactics Targets Must Be Aware of

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Most seasoned bullies seek to intimidate others by nonverbal means. Why? Because nonverbal bullying is subtle and least likely to be detected.

This type of bullying can occur either at school or in the workplace. Here are a few such subtleties.

1. They lean against the victim’s desk, office doorway, car, etc. Anytime we lean against something, we stake a claim to or show ownership of that object.

How you handle it is to tell the bully point blank and in a stern voice,
“Get off my desk (car, etc.)”

Macho man standing crossed arms near luxury open top car in tropical resort isometric image vector illustration

2. The bully will sit in the other person’s chair. Again, any chair you sit in, you non-verbally lay claim to.

Address it by telling the person in no uncertain terms to unseat your chair.

3. The bully may also pick the victim’s notebook, purse off the victim’s desk, touch their property, etc. Understand that anything of yours the bully touches, he is laying claim to.

The unspoken message that the bully is sending is, “I own your desk, car, notebook, and anything that’s yours.”

Don’t ignore it, and don’t be quiet about it. Open your mouth and tell the creep to keep his hands off your stuff.

When I was in school, I saw a bully walk up to a table of freshman boys during lunch and pluck a French fry from one of the ninth grade boy’s plates before popping it into his mouth without even asking.

It was clear that the bully was challenging the boy. The message was,

“I just took a piece of your lunch. Now, what are you going to do about it?”

Female bullies will often go through their target’s purses or jacket pockets or flip through their notebooks, yearbooks, or diaries. I’ve also heard of bullies walking into their victim’s homes without knocking.

I remember going on a school trip and finding out that my bullies had gone through my luggage and stolen fifty dollars, a dress, and jewelry from me while I was out of the room. Because there were so many bullies, it was difficult for me to confront the thief. Though I had a pretty good idea who stole my belongings, I couldn’t prove she took them!

Understand that bullies will claim ownership of your space and your property, which only means that they believe they own YOU!

4. Bullies will violate your personal space. Bullies are notorious for getting too close.

Understand that when the bully gets in your face or looms you from behind, he is either trying to intimidate you, dominate you, challenging you, or attempting to provoke a fight. Do what you have to do. Tell this idiot to back the hell up!

Understand that these types of bullies have unlimited audacity, and they do not respect boundaries! With people who are bold and audacious, you must take a stand!

Never ignore them or allow yourself to be intimidated because these kinds of folks will only increase the behavior if you do.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Here’s Why Bullies Will Never Let You Live in Peace

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If you’re a target of bullying, I’m confident that you’ve asked these very legitimate questions a million times over.

“If these bullies despise me so much, why don’t they just get a life and leave me alone?”

“If they think that I’m such a bad person, why don’t they just let me go?”

“Why don’t they just drop me completely, go on about their business and let me go on about mine?”

“If I’m such a disgusting person to them, then why can’t my bullies simply just stay away from me?”

“If my bullies hate me so much, wouldn’t it be better for everyone if they (figuratively) just stayed in their corner of the room and let me stay in mine? If they just went on and did their thing and let me do mine?

“If I’m as loathsome as they say I am, why even bother? Why waste the energy to chase me down and harass me?”

“Why would people continue to pursue a person they so vehemently detest?”

“Why do they keep talking to me at all, even if it is abusive?”

After all, it would be a sensible solution to their problem- they stay away from you; you stay away from them, then everyone can be shiny and happy. Right?

The word Answer on a puzzle piece to symbolize the quest for understanding in answering questions and concerns

Unfortunately, that’s not how it works out.

As much as I hate to break it to you, bullies will never go away and allow you to live in peace if they have selected you to be their target.

And here’s why:

Understand that a bully’s entire mission in life is to dominate and subjugate…period. And if not you, anyone. You just happen to be the easiest target for them, you are the person they have in their sights, so their goal is to subjugate you, to hold you down and oppress you. Realize that this is the only way bullies can thrive. In fact, their very ethos is in mentally or physically enslaving and tormenting you.

In short, the only way bullies can have some semblance of meaning in their own lives is to dominate another human being. Why? Because they could never attain (or obtain) power any other way. Outside of trying to control and keeping a tight grip on the lives of others, bullies can’t find meaning in their lives, nor any sense of effectiveness or self-worth.

Bullies have no substance. They have zero redeemable qualities. The vast majority are only life-losers disguised as winners and cloaked with false perfection. So, it makes perfect sense that the only way they find their meaning- which is their sense of effectiveness and self-worth is by using force and riding roughshod over people they perceive to have the least power.

You must realize that if your bullies just left you alone, they would have nothing else because there is nothing left out there for them.

These bullies may indeed run the school, workplace, or community but again, outside of the environments they take over, make toxic, and rule with iron fists, they have nothing, zip, zilch, squat!

On the other hand, their targets and others who are normal and have healthy mentalities don’t have to bully others to find meaning in their lives because they already have it outside the bullying environment. These people find meaning through unity and togetherness with their families, their friends, their churches, homes, or through their love and pursuit of their talents, hobbies, and interests.

Sadly, bullies don’t have these things to fall back on.

Understand that bullies must have targets (victims). In fact, they need targets- people who they can oppress and subjugate- people they can order around and tell what to do because bullying itself requires targets. Take the target out of the equation and bullying ceases to exist.

If one is going to be in charge, there must be people to be in charge of. You can’t rule over no one- you’re not the boss of anything if there are no people to boss around. You can’t be a king if there’s no kingdom because for a kingdom to even exist, there must be people living in it for you to rule.

Put another way, it would be like discovering a deserted island and declaring yourself king of that island- if a king has no people to rule, he has no kingdom and, therefore, no power. It’s the same with bullies. Without targets to lord over, there’s no power for them to have and enjoy.

Here’s another thing to consider: if you’re a target of bullying, the mere fact that you want to get away from your bullies- that you want to escape their abuse and declare yourself a separate person will enrage your bullies.

Any attempts you make to evade them will be met with insane anger and the escalation of abuse to punish you because when you flee or fight back, you’re attempting to take away the only power they have.

The same thing happens when a battered wife finally musters up the courage to leave her abusive husband. It drives him crazy and not because he’s loses her but because he loses power over her. Bullies are no different and their rage and hostility at the possibility of you either fighting back or leaving the environment is all about the threat of losing power.

Remember that bullying is abuse, just like domestic violence, rape, molestation, or any other form of abuse, and abuse is about power. Bullying and abuse are one and the same, so, they’re both about power.

Therefore, bullies will never allow you to live in peace. The reason bullies won’t leave you alone because to do so would mean them losing the only thing they have- their power…over you.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

4 Jobs School Bullies Take Once They’re Out of School

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Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.

Here are some of the jobs bullies select.

1.Politician. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.

 2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless  job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.

However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.

And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.

3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?

Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.

 4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.

It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.

With knowledge comes empowerment

Bullies Want to Make You Believe You Need Them. You don’t!

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bullied victim blamed

Bullies want you to believe that you’re nothing without their approval.

They want you to think that they control your very existence and that you can’t make friends, find a date, make the sports team, win a prize or have any successes without their say so.

Understand that this is how they brainwash you to wrest complete control and domination over your life. If they can make you believe that you’re nothing without their approval, then they succeed in taking away your power!

But know this! You do not need approval from anyone except the people who love you back. If the person doesn’t see your worth, their opinions of you shouldn’t matter.

Bullies Will Eat Their Own

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I saw this happen and yes, while I was at Oakley High School, even in the workplace. When there are no targets available to degrade and dehumanize, bullies will begin to turn on one of their own in the clique.

Understand that even the inner circle of the clique has a pecking order. Every clique has a leader, second in command, third and so forth (depending on how many members in the group), all the way down to the bottom rat. And if their targets aren’t available, the members of the clique will turn on that bottom rat and she will be the target of the day.

And if it so happens that the bottom rat’s not available either, then the poor sucker on the second rung up is the one who will catch hell. And so on. Crap always rolls downhill and lands on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in the basement.

And what was really scandalous is that sometimes, the targets didn’t have to be unavailable. I stood back and watched a lot of back-biting between the members of the bully cliques, a few would go out with the other friends’ boyfriends or girlfriends behind their backs then smile in their faces at school the following Monday. But that was their business and any sane person would no part of such strange, twisted, and dysfunctional friendships.

With them it was back to back ego trips and while most targets, sheople, and wannabes at OHS considered a curse, a few others considered a blessing. I could deal with not being in the in-crowd, that was fine and dandy. What I had an issue with was that none of those creeps would leave me alone, go on about their business, and get a life.

Remember that bullies must always have a target- someone to look down on, someone to dump on, and someone to tell what to do and ride roughshod over. Therefore, if their usual targets aren’t available on any given day, the bullies at the top will turn on the lowest members of their own group and continue demeaning them until their regular targets return.

This is yet another reason why you should never accept being in one of the in-cliques. Must you be in one to feel validated? No. You’re just as awesome without them. You’re also freer! Because if you’re not in a clique, you don’t have to live up to anyone’s unwritten rules or standards. You’re free to be yourself and do your own thing. And there is nothing better!

Jobs School Bullies Usually Take Once They’re Out of School

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Bullies thrive on power, dominance, and fear. They love positions of power and will often opt for jobs that give them either authority over people or prestige.

Here are some of the jobs bullies select.

1.Politicians. Remember that well-seasoned bullies are the biggest and most convincing schmoozers, liars, and convincers on the face of the Earth. They have a way of steamrolling their ways to the top. And why not? They’ve been politicking since they were in diapers and often have connections in high places who give them boosts up the ladder. Should it be any wonder we have politicians who schmoozed constituents to get into office, then do nothing once they get there? This is not to say that all politicians are bullies, but all bullies seem to be politicians.

 2. Law Enforcement Officer. First, let me start by saying that most police officers are great people who have my utmost respect, especially in today’s climate. They do a difficult and thankless  job. They put their lives on the line every day to keep us all safe and to prevent criminals from harming law-abiding citizens and their families.

However, like any profession, law enforcement also has its bad apples. And when people who were bullies in school take these jobs, they often become those bad apples in their departments- the very people who put shame on the badge. These bullies will abuse their power at will.

And it isn’t fair to the good cops who sincerely want to make a positive difference and make our streets safer. The good cops are the ones who suffer when this happens.

3. Correctional Officer. Even correctional officers have authority over inmates- just not all inmates because there are some inmates who flat out run penitentiaries. It happens. Bullies pick this job because in prisons, they get free rain to do to “select” inmates, usually, the inmates at the bottom of the social order, whatever they want, and what are those inmates going to do about it? It’s their word against the bully CO’s and whose word do you think the warden will take?

Even worse, bully CO’s also abuse the good and decent CO’s who are competent and perform their jobs well. My last husband worked as a Corporal in a penal institution before he died. And he told me a few horror stories. I also, have friends who work in the TDOC system and they too tell me that it isn’t the inmates they must watch out for, it’s their coworkers.

 4. Supervisors and Managers. Again, bullies love positions of power and once they take those positions, they usually have carte blanche to abuse who they select to bully. I can’t count the stories I hear of workplace bullying and of bully bosses who get drunk on power and destroy others’ careers and lives.

It seems that bullies can’t live without having power over another.

With knowledge comes empowerment

Bullies “Need” Their Targets

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dreamstime_xs_170230538

They want you to think that you need them! You don’t. In fact, it’s just the opposite. They need you! Let me explain further:

Bullies need targets as guinea pigs to demonstrate their perceived power and might on.

They need victims to feel better about themselves.

Bullies need targets to blame their stupidity and bad behavior on.

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Bullies need victims to scapegoat and to be a dumping ground for all their problems and shortcomings.

If you’re a target, Your bullies need you as a shield to cover their own cowardice.

They need you to entertain and get laughs from their audiences.

And they need you to look cool and in control in front of everyone else.

Understand that bullies need you more than you will ever need them!