Neediness: 5 Reasons It’s Unhealthy and How to Overcome It

November 15, 2024October 7, 20244 Comments

Neediness is not healthy for anyone. Victims of bullying are most susceptible to this condition because bullies have defamed them and turned everyone against them. As someone who’s been there, I’m giving you the 5 reasons being needy repels people and what you can do to overcome it.

Being to needful isn’t only unhealthy, it’s not a good look on anyone. It’s unattractive and off-putting. Although it isn’t necessarily their fault, victims of bullying often have no friends. Therefore, they can become so desperate for friendship that they exhibit needy, if not self-depreciating behavior.

In this post, you will learn the reasons why neediness runs people off. Also, you will learn ways to overcome it if you’re one of these people whose social life is destroyed by bullies and their defamation.

Once you learn about all the why’s and hows of needy behavior, you will be better able to pinpoint the reasons you do it and how you can change your actions to convey a more confident you.

This post is all about the symptoms of and reasons for neediness that every target of bullying needs to know about so that they can make the changes needed to become stronger and more confident in the face of bullying and lack of friends.

Neediness

Before we get into the reasons and remedies for this bully-induced condition, lets first explain why bullying targets become needy. Also, we’ll discuss why this isn’t your fault if you’re one of those people.

I repeat! It’s not your fault!

Neediness comes from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. Refraining from acting needy can be hard to do, especially if you’re a target of bullying.

The feelings of loneliness and desperation are real. In fact, they’re so real that they can have a death-grip on you after so long.

Remember that humans are hardwired for social connections and relationships. Therefore, it’s not easy to fight the urge to cling to unhealthy relationships and friendships. Especially when most people treat you like an outcast.

However, here’s something people in that situation don’t think about.

Acting clingy is off-putting to others. To be blunt, it’s downright gross! It’s the equivalent of an overpowering stench one must hold their nose and run from to keep from getting sick.

Additionally, active clingy only invites more bullying, abuse, and usery. Moreover, it opens the door for more ridicule.

People also look at you with disgust and contempt. Yes, a few people may feel sorry for you, but do you really want to be pitied?

Another thing this does is give your bullies satisfaction and free entertainment. The last thing you want is to look desperate in front of them and humiliate yourself.

You are not to blame. So, Don’t beat yourself up if you presently struggle with these feelings and behavior.

Again. I understand that feeling of not having any friends. Moreover, I can relate to the longing for friends and human connections. The longing for friendship and, just to be heard and noticed is a normal desire that all humans have.

It’s completely normal to have that deep ache in your soul when people ostracize you. I was there once upon a time. The feeling of the intense, deranged hatred of my classmates and resulting soul-deep pain were overwhelming.

However, I learned the heard way that, if nothing else, you still have your pride and your dignity. You choose to either keep those treasures or give them away.

But here’s the good news! if you give them away, you can always take them back anytime.

5 Reasons Neediness is unhealthy

1. You mistake Tolerance for Acceptance.

Because people have shunned and rejected you for so long, you become ravenously hungry for any morsel of approval. Moreover, you’ll lap up anything that even looks like potential friendship.

However, what may look like acceptance could turn out to be only tolerance.

Anytime you become needy, some people might include them in their groups. But! It won’t be because they like you nor want to be around you.

They’ll only pretend to like you because they feel sorry for you. The last thing you should want is someone’s pity. Yuck! Who in their right mind wants to settle for that?

But wait! It gets worse!

After a while, the pity of your so-called friends will wear thin.

2. you put your heart at risk of being broken. Also, you place your self-esteem at risk of being crushed once again.

The group of so-called friends who pretend to like you put themselves at risk of being made targets themselves. And they know it.

In the minds of the bullies and others, they’re guilty by association. Therefore, instead of being an asset to the group, you become a liability!

As mentioned earlier, your so-called friend group has to pretend to enjoy having you around because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

However, their real feelings about you will only seep out in ways that are not so obvious. In other words, it’ll leak out so subtly that you may not even know it’s happening.

And if you make the slightest mistake or your friends perceive the tiniest slight from you, the floodgates will open. Then, their real feelings of dislike and hatred will come rushing out like a raging torrent.

Afterwards, they’ll look for any reason to make you go away even if they must treat you with blatant brutality.

3. When you act out of neediness, You likely suffer betrayal.

Your so-called friends will never have your back. In other words, they’ll disappear at the first sign of trouble.

When your bullies come calling, your fake friends will throw you under the bus, then get behind the wheel and run you over a few times. Understand that these people will not value you as a person. Therefore, they won’t care whether you get hurt.

Realize that your friends won’t be the least bit concerned for your well-being.

4. You only draw in people who are predators.

Users and abusers are drawn to neediness like vultures to a carcass. In other words, they seek out people who are desperate to exploit their needs and weaknesses to get what they want from them.

Consequently, once they’ve gotten all they want out of the person, they discard them like a dirty piece of toilet paper. You may not realize it, but you can do better than a bunch of scavengers!

Wouldn’t you rather be alone than to have friends like those?

5. You only humiliate yourself.

When you, in essence, beg for friends, relationships, affection, attention or admiration, others take notice and your value drops like a meteor!

Moreover, you make a complete fool of yourself by chasing after people who aren’t worth spitting on. When you don’t respect yourself enough to only select those who see your worth, you only end up humiliating and degrading yourself.

Stop that right now! Because you’re better than that!

So, How do you overcome neediness?

1. take steps to repair your self-esteem and boost your confidence.

Repairing your self-esteem is of the most importance!

This means keeping company with and spending your time with uplifting family members who love you and want best for you. Also, put yourself out there and meet new people outside the toxic environment in which people bully you.

Don’t be afraid to smile and talk to people. Although this may be scary at first, you must face your fear head-on. Do it anyway, even if you must do it scared!

Remember that total strangers are the best opportunities for victims of bullying because they’re potential friends. However, don’t act desperate or clingy. Let things flow naturally and things will work out.

2. stop caring what people think.

When you obsess over the thoughts and opinions of others, you make yourself a slave to their approval. Moreover, your own opinions automatically take a back seat.

Understand that you don’t need anyone’s approval, period.

Therefore, stand in your power and begin valuing your own thoughts and opinions. In other words, stop wondering if they will like you and start wondering if you’ll like them.

3. Get some standards.

Needy behavior means having a lack of standards. Therefore, set standards for yourself. This means being choosy in everything, including, friends, dates, and people you have around you.

Don’t settle for anything (or anyone) less than what you want and what you deserve!

4. Overcoming Neediness means removing toxic people and fake friends from your life.

How you take your power back is to cut these life-leeches out off your life and make them irrelevant. Moreover, you do it by speaking your truth and using the abuse they inflicted on you to help others.

Some people just aren’t worth your time and energy. So, be willing to walk away from those who aren’t really for you. This includes, fake friends, users, abusers… anyone who makes you feel bad or who betrays your truth.

Stop wasting your time with people of low loyalty and integrity. Believe that you deserve better and choose your friends wisely!

5. Focus on your goals and pursue your interests.

If you’re too busy focusing on your goals, you won’t have time to worry about how people think of you. Therefore, work toward achieving your goals and dreams.

Instead of chasing after people who haven’t earned your respect, chase after your interests!

6. be willing to be alone for a while.

Real courage and real self-worth sometimes require that you be alone for a while. Moreover, realize that solitude is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it’s very healthy and one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Time alone allows you to rest and recharge and gives you time to reflect and get to know yourself. Also, it gives you time to pursue your own interests and a chance to prioritize yourself. So, take advantage of it.

Lastly, let me assure you that you won’t always be by yourself. Be patient and eventually, the right people will find you. It may not happen quickly, but it will happen. I guarantee it.

It happened for me and it will happen for you too!

7. knowing your worth is also one of the keys to overcoming neediness.

In other words, know what you deserve and go after it. Be advised that going after something sometimes means being willing to wait for it!

Stop settling for people and situations that devalue you as a person.

8. believe in yourself.

In other words, believe that you deserve better people in your life. Also believe that they will come along eventually because you are a great person to know.

Self-belief is one of the most important lessons you can ever learn. Therefore, believe in yourself even if you must make positive affirmations to get there.

When you overcome neediness, you turn your pain into power and transform your bullies’ weaknesses into your strength!

Moreover, your bullies’ ignorance becomes your wisdom and you turn their hatred for you into love for others, especially those who are bullied. This is how you raise self-esteem and go from victim to victor.

This post was all about Neediness, the reasons it’s unhealthy, and how you overcome it so that you can take back your power and your dignity.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Needy Behavior: 5 Reasons it Derails Your Social Life

2. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

3. Like vs Respect: What’s the Difference?

4. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

5. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

How to Spot a Bully: 13 Must-Know Body-Language Examples

November 11, 2024November 3, 20246 Comments

‘Want to know how to spot a bully and pick them out of a crowd? Here are all the body language cues you must be aware of.

If you want to combat bullying, you must know how to spot bullies before they spot you. This means having a spidey-sense when it comes to reading people. You must automatically pay attention to others’ non-verbal communication and their silences.

Therefore, in this post you will learn how to spot a bully among a huge crowd of people. You will also learn more about body language in general.

Once you learn all these non-verbal messages, you will be able to better protect yourself against bullies and bullying.

This post is all about how to spot a bully and what you can do to protect yourself from them.

How to Spot a Bully

Why You Should Learn to Read Body Language

Body language is the unspoken messages we all send everyday. You should learn these things not only to read other people but also to be aware of your own nonverbals.

For instance, noticing the clothes people wear and the arrangement of objects in their homes and work spaces can also give clues as to the kind of people you’re dealing with.

Moreover, it pays to notice patterns in their breathing and tensions they have in certain muscles (mainly the neck and jawline). You should also have the ability to read the subtext in conversations.

The feet are the parts of the body that people pay the least attention to! However, this is a mistake because the feet can tell you so much.

Participating in or listening to conversations is good practice as well. And you should also home in on what is implied rather than what is said.

All of this is non verbal communication. And let’s face it, there is no such thing as an action that doesn’t communicate something.

The ability to read nonverbal communication is increasingly becoming a lost art due to technology and the advancement of social media. And that’s a sad thing because without it, we lose the ability to live in harmony with our fellow man.

How to spot a bully: Bullies always display these types of body language, especially around their targets.

Dominance and Superiority Body Language

1. Bullies take up lots of space to appear bigger.

In other words, you will often see bullies place their hands on their hips and stand extra tall.

2. If you’re a victim of bullying, your bullies will stand extra close to you.

Moreover, they’ll stand so close that they will sometimes touch you. Your bullies deliberately invade your personal space to intimidate you. Moreover, this is the way they show you who’s boss without saying a word.

Therefore, how you respond is to tell them in no uncertain terms to back the hell off.

If they don’t move or they move closer to challenge the boundary you just set, you may have to throw up your dukes and enforce that boundary.

3. Bullies will also frown and purse their lips at you while maintaining unblinking and unwavering eye contact. Also, they will bore their eyes into you like a dagger, without moving their heads.

Again, this is to intimidate you and let you know that they’re watching you.

And when they glare at you, they do it persistently and intensely without blinking. Their faces turn red, and they will often stretch.

Know that these are sure signs that a bully wants to physically attack you and they will do it soon. Again. Do not ignore this!

Therefore, you respond to this by reflecting the same body language back to them. In other words, return the glare and purse your lips back at them. Let them know that they don’t scare you and that you can take care of yourself if you have to.

4. How to Spot a Bully:

Bullies will freely touch you because they have no regard for your personal space.

For example, a bully may give you a hard slap on the back. They may grab you by the arm and lead you where they want them to go. A bully may also physically move you to the side or shove past you.

Understand that your bullies do these things to show you who’s in charge. Also, they may do it to compete with you.

Moreover, they may also do these things to signal ownership of you. Yes! In your bullies’ minds, they own you.

Their unspoken message is, “You’re mine, I own you, and I can do what I want with you.”

Therefore, you must jerk away from them and tell them to never ever put their hands on you. And, if they challenge you by touching you again after you’ve told them not to, it’s time to punch their lights out.

And when you do, hit them so hard that they’ll think twice about ever messing with you again. Make the lick count!

5. If you are sitting, bullies will often stand over you to look bigger and more intimidating.

Or, if you’re standing, bullies who are short in stature will often stand on something to appear taller than you. Some may stand on their tiptoes.

Bullies will also lay claim to your territory (your desk, spaces, parking spaces, etc.) and expect others to obey rules when near the claimed area or object.

Again, they do this to intimidate and dominate.

Therefore, tell them to back the hell up!

6. How to Spot a Bully:

Other ways of Invading your space and claiming ownership

Your bullies may walk into your room, office, or home uninvited and without knocking. They may sit in your chair without asking permission.

Other invasions include leaning on your vehicle and parking in your parking space. They may cut in front of you in line, or prop their feet on the back of your chair when sitting behind them.

I had a girl do that to me in school, and if I knew what I know now, I would have jumped up and beat the living hell out of her!

Understand that bullies crave control and do these things to take away your power.

Therefore, you have every right to demand that they either know first or don’t bother coming in. If they lean on your care, desk, etc, tell them to get off the object. You must stand up to these people!

7. Bullies also put their hands on your personal belongings with a carefree attitude.

But know that the message the bully is sending you is this: “I own you, so I own anything that is yours.”

Therefore, tell them in a firm tone to keep their hands off your shit!

They may walk up to your table during lunch, pick a French fry off your plate, and pop it in their mouths. They may pick up your fork and take a bite of your food.

Moreover, your bully may also pick up your phone and began scrolling through the contents. They may even rummage through your purse or pick up your jacket and go through the pockets.

The hidden message the bully is sending is, “I can take whatever I want, and what are you going to do about it?”

Therefore, do something about it!

Get up, face the bully, and say, “Don’t you ever do that again.” If he challenges you, again, punch their lights out.

They crossed the line and you must enforce your boundaries. Why? Because they’ll keep it up if you don’t.

8. How to Spot a Bully:

Another way bullies invade territory.

They walk in the center of a hallway or sit on a flight of stairs, expecting people to move and go around them.

Bullies may also stand in the middle of a road and driveway or take their time crossing the street, forcing cars to stop and wait.

Therefore, tell them to move or to get out of the way. You could also say, “Excuse you!” This may or may not change their behavior but it will let them know that you aren’t afraid to stand up to them.

9. Bullies also show dominance by how they dress or the car they drive.

Bullies do this to impress admirers and to one-up you and other targets. Therefore, see it for what it is, a pathetic ploy to show off.

How you respond to give them a dismissive look and keep going. They aren’t worth your time.

10. Hostility Body Language

Bullies may look at you while pinching their chin.

The pinching of the jaw is used to release the hostile thoughts without acting on them. It’s their way to hold back the urge to physically attack you.

Therefore, realize that when a bully looks at you and pinches any part of the face, this signals the bully’s secret wish to harm you.

Therefore, put your hands on your hips, stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and give them the death glare. The point is to let them know that you aren’t the least bit intimidated.

11. How to Spot a Bully:

They pound their fist into the palm of their opposite hand or another object.

Another sign of hostility as when a bully looks at you, then pounds a fist into a tabletop, wall, or the palm of their opposite hand.

Any object the bully pounds is only a substitute for the victim’s physical body.

Moreover, girls and women will often bite their lip, suck on the inside of their jaw or chew the inside of the mouth while looking at you.

Also, male bullies may snarl at you, whereas female bullies will glare at you with dirty looks. Clenching a jaw where the jaw is protruding outward is another sign of hostile intentions.

Repeat the response in number 10. Show the creep you aren’t afraid of them.

12. Bullies also show hostility by sizing you up.

They size you up by directly facing you, clinching their fists and puffing out their chests. The best response is to mirror the bully.

13. Bullies will stand in the center of the room.

They do this to be the “center” of attention. I call this the “look-at-me” body language. Therefore, how you respond to this is just to dismiss the body and keep walking.

How to Spot a Bully

In Conclusion:

Here’s a complete rundown of what we just covered.

If a bully violates your space or belongings, always call them out on it. Never let it happen without asserting yourself. If a bully stares you down, always return the stare. Either look them in the eye or look them between the eyes.

If they look at you while standing feet apart and arms akimbo, reflect the exact same stance back to the bully. Mirror the bully to show that you’re not the least bit intimidated by them. If the bully is rushing you, slow down. Do not speed up! Remain calm.

Also, if the bully challenges you, enforce the boundary you set. Sometimes this may mean putting up your dukes.

Here’s another thing that we didn’t mention but is important because it will help your self-esteem tremendously.

Dress your best and look your best. This shows that you take pride in how you look and conveys confidence. It also helps you to feel better. When we look better, we also feel better!

This post is all about how to spot a bully so that you can read their body language and be better prepared for anything they may try.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Spot Fake Friends: 7 Proven Tricks to Instantly Out Them

2. Non Verbal Bullying: Hostile Body Language Head to Toe

3. 25 Signs of a Toxic Person

4. Enforcing Personal Boundaries: 7 Powerful Strategies

5. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

What Not to Share at Work When You Suffer Workplace Bullying

November 8, 2024August 30, 20244 Comments

When you’re dealing with workplace bullying, it’s imperative that you know what not to share at work. Here are the things about your life that are better kept private.

Too many people make the carnal mistake of sharing too much information at work. This is risky for anyone. However, if you’re dealing with workplace bullying, it’s not only risky, it’s the kiss of death because workplace bullies have ways of twisting information that’s innocent.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn exactly what not to share at work so that you can minimize bullying and mobbing and protect yourself.

Once you learn about all these informational faux pas, you will better protect yourself against workplace bullying and defamation. Moreover, you will make it much harder for at-work brutes to find ammunition to use against you.

This post is all about what not to share at work. In detail, it gives you all the information no-nos that not only targets of workplace bullying, but all employees should know about.

What Not to Share at Work

Before we get into the information that’s off limits at work, let’s get into the reasons some things are better left unmentioned.

The examples below are risky for anyone to share at work. However, if you are a target of bullying, you should share as little about your life as humanly possible.

And this means, to anyone. Even your best friend.

Why? Because, when people are bullying you at work, you can’t afford to trust anyone. It doesn’t matter how close you and your only friend at work are.

It’s still isn’t a smart move because you never know when your bullies at work will succeed in turning your friend against you. Moreover, when they do those friends will likely become willing participants in bullying you.

If you share private details about your life, it’s not a question of if but when this so-called friend spreads your business far and wide once the bullies win them over.

Therefore, never divulge any info that’s private or personal. In other words, don’t disclose anything you wouldn’t want other people to know.

Understand that any personal details can be used as fodder for bullies and their minions to defame you with.

What are examples of what not to share at work?

Here is a list of things that are better kept private.

1. Your sex life, or lack of.

Not only is it just not smart, it’s also very distasteful. Down through the years, I’ve often overheard many coworkers openly talk about their sex-life and it was embarrassing to say the least.

Anytime you publicly talk about your sex life, you make yourself look as if you have no class. Moreover, bullies and other office parasites will take it and run with it.

Bullies will likely either accuse you of being promiscuous or say that you’re not getting any at all. Also, most people who brag about having something are usually those who don’t and have a hard time getting it.

Therefore, most people will only assume the opposite.

Nevertheless, your sex life is none of anyone else’s business and you should keep it to yourself. Therefore, keep that information in your bedroom and away from work.

2. A person in your family who has a drug addiction.

The same goes for this type of information. Family business should be kept in the family and not brought to work. Also, workplace bullies will use it as fodder and tell everyone who’ll listen that you come from a family of druggies.

It’s just what bullies do.

Although it’s true that they may lie and say those kinds of things anyway just to make you look bad. However, at least you know that you didn’t initiate the information and it won’t be as hard on your self-esteem if you know they’re only lying.

3. What are examples of what not to say at work? Any medical conditions or diseases.

Here’s another biggie. You’re ailments should be private. If you disclose any medical issues you have, unscrupulous people will use it against you.

Moreover, supervisors with no integrity will use the information as an excuse to fire you or lay you off, especially if you’re a target of workplace bullying.

4. Any mental illnesses.

This is a definite no-no! Any disclosure of mental illnesses will immediately end your credibility not only as an employee, but as a person.

There is too much stigma around mental illness and when you tell others that you have one, no one will ever look at you the same again.

Moreover, workplace bullies accuse their victims of being mentally imbalanced all the time. Even when there’s no evidence or mention of that possibility! Don’t give them a chance to weaponize it against you. Keep it to yourself.

5. Any legal troubles- even as minor as traffic tickets.

Again, bullies will only weaponize this information against you. Even worse, they’ll embellish on it to make it bigger. It’s not worth the price you’ll pay later. Don’t tell anyone anything they don’t need to know.

6. What not to share at work: Family issues- divorce, child custody, births, deaths, etc.

If it’s negative family issues, workplace bullies will only use it as confirmation that you’re somehow defective. On the other hand, if it’s positive, they’ll only say that you’re making it up to sound better than what you are. Also, they’ll accuse you of bragging.

It’s just better not to share anything, good or bad, that happens outside of work if you face bullying in the workplace.

7. Your past (if you’re old enough to have one).

This goes without saying. No one needs to know about your past, period. Negative things about your past could be used against you. For example, no one at work needs to know that you spent time in jail for fighting at a kegger when you were in high school.

Also, positive aspects of it could incite jealousy and resentment. Therefore, just the same, you shouldn’t tell anyone about vacationing in Europe or Bali three year ago. Especially if people bully you at work!

8. Past abuse you may have suffered.

This is also private. If you share this at work, no one will feel sorry for you. Moreover, they won’t admire you if it made you stronger or overcame the abuse. Instead, most of your coworkers won’t care.

Moreover, if you’re a victim of workplace bullying, your bullies will only say that you deserved it. Also, they may use it as confirmation that you’re weak or they’ll weaponize it against you.

It’s better to keep it under your hat.

9. What not to share at work: Your personal info (SS number, credit card number, birthdate, home aDdress, etc).

This is a no-brainer. There are so many sick people out there and if you disclose these kinds of info, you’re asking for identity theft. Also, you’re asking for a mentally deranged bully to show up at your home and either physically attack or kill you.

It’s not worth the risk! Keep it to yourself.

10. Email and passwords to social media accounts.

This goes without saying. Do you really want to risk someone hacking into your social media account and posting porn all over your page?

Thankfully, most people won’t share that kind of information and you won’t either, if you’re smart.

11. What not to share at work: Names of your family members.

If you think that some bullies won’t search for and go after their victims’ family members, you’re dead wrong. Although this doesn’t happen often, it does happen ocassionally. So, don’t chance it.

No one, especially a workplace bully, needs to know who your family members are.

12. Never brag about your daughter’s beauty pageant or your son’s perfect grades.

Again, even in non-workplace bullying situations, people will tend to view you as a braggert or a liar. Workplace bullies are certainly no exceptions. Also, you could unwillingly incite jealousy from workmates and this may bring about workplace bullying.

This goes double in you’re already in a workplace bullying situation.

13. Your views about the recent scandal at work.

This also goes without saying. It’s best to keep any opinions of any workplace scandals at work to yourself, lest you suffer retaliation.

14. Your hobbies and interests.

Let’s face it, most people won’t care about your hobbies and interests because they’re mostly interested in their own. It’s just an unpleasant part of human nature.

Moreover, workplace bullies will find a way to attack or ridicule you with this information.

Therefore, it’s better to only bring up company and project-related topics at work. Also, it’ll also be wise to appeal to the self-interests of the company and it’s bosses and coworkers.

I guarantee you that people at your job will think more of you if you do this. ‘Just a suggestion.

15. The TV show or movie you watched last night, especially if it’s a slasher show or filled with hot-buttered sex.

Again, no one cares what you watched in the theater or on TV. Moreover, if you watched a slasher film, workplace bullies will use it to say that you have the mind of a serial killer.

Also, if you watched a sex-laden film, such as 50 Shades of Grey, they say that you’re a sex-crazed pervert. Not that you should care what anyone thinks. However, it’s just wise not to help bring any more scrutiny on yourself than you already have if you’re being bullied at work.

16. Never talk about politics! Ever! That’s a no-no subject!

With cancel culture on the rise today, this is the worst thing you can do. And you can believe that workplace bullies would love nothing more than to use politics to destroy you.

It’s not worth the risk. Never talk about politics at work!

Workplace bullies are already looking for dirty laundry. So, why air out yours? When you’re a target of bullying, the less they know about you and your life, the better.

this post was all about what not to share at work so that you can protect yourself from becoming another casualty of workplace bullies.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

2. Removing Toxic People: 5 Successful Ways to Give Them the Boot

3. How to Stop a Bully from Bullying You: 7 Powerful Strategies

4. Physical Bullying Information: 5 Must-Know Secrets Bullies Don’t Want You to Know

5. Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

The Horns Effect: Bully-Induced Bias Against Victims of Bullying

October 29, 2024September 20, 20247 Comments

Do you want to know what the horns effect is and the why’s and how’s of it’s impact on victims of bullying? The H.E. is a type of bias that targets and their friends and family members need to know about.

Bullying not only destroys you confidence, it also destroys your reputation. Why? Because bullies smear and defame you to prevent you from having friends and getting support. Therefore, this can induce what psychologists call, the horns effect.

In this post, you will learn what the horns effect is and how it relates to bullying and effects victims.

Once you learn all about this phenomenon, you will be better able to not only explain it, but combat it and prevent it from happening to you again in the future.

This post is all about the horns effect, how bullies and bullying can bring it on you, and what you can do to minimize it.

The Horns Effect

What is it?

The Horns Effect (or Reverse Halo Effect) – is the opposite of the Halo Effect. It’s a form of bias that causes people’s perception of a person to be negative based on a single (perceived) negative trait.

No one’s perfect, and everyone has negative traits. However, the Horns Effect is an example of how one negative trait over-shadows the positive characteristics of a person.

Moreover, it’s how negative ratings of one quality can easily cross over to judgments of other attributes.

For example, here’s a beautiful and attractive woman. She works hard, has a good heart, and has talent in singing and playing the guitar.

Although the woman is kindhearted, is a knockout, and has superior skill in music, people may view her as foolish for whatever reason. Therefore, they may also view her as unattractive and untalented.

All it takes is one unfavorable rating of one characteristic to influence lower scores of other qualities.

All it takes is one characteristic people don’t like

What happens is that people jump to conclusions about a person too quickly, based only on one imperfection. As a result, they end up wrongly judging the individual.

Other examples of The Horns Effect are when people judge a group based on the behavior of a few bad apples. In other words, they may think that a person with a higher body weight is lazy and has no willpower.

Moreover, some may think that blondes are ditzy, blacks are thugs, whites are racist, and poor people are bums. The H.E. is the root of many stereotypes.

The problem is that we see something we don’t like about a person or a particular member of a group. We then go on judging them from our own unfavorable view.

This only determines our attitude and behavior toward them. Consequently, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when they push back. The demonized persons backlash only reinforces those negative attitudes that their bad traits are connected to all other characteristics.

The same thing happens when you’re bullied for so long. You finally get fed up and react out of emotion, which only reinforces the attitudes of others. People see you as overreacting, overly sensitive, or as having a mental imbalance.

The Horns Effect labels targets unjustly

If you’re not careful, your perfectly normal reaction will be to become defensive (as every action produces a reaction). Although this is a normal response and you’re definitely not wrong for it, understand that bullies are good at taking something normal, spinning it to fit their narrative, and making it seem bad or abnormal to others.

Here’s another example: When things go wrong, people tend to cut anyone else some slack. They,ll assume that things were only out of their control.

On the other hand, if the incident happened to be within their control, others pass it off as, “everyone makes mistakes.”

However, it will be different if it’s you. People will only view your every action with distrust.

The popular belief will be that you caused the mishap deliberately or had an agenda. Sadly, people do this subconsciously.

In other words, if anyone else is late for class or work, people will only think, “Oh, traffic must have been bad.” “Maybe so-and-so had a stressful morning.”

On the other hand, if you’re the one who’s late for class, people would only accuse you of not having your crap together or having no respect for authority.

This is known as confirmation bias.

The horns effect produces confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias happens when people actively search for and “find” evidence that proves that their negative opinions of you are right. All the while, they will discount any proof that doesn’t support their views of you.

In short, if you are a victim of bullying, chances are that people will negatively judge everything you do.

Understand that, once bullies have tarnished your reputation, others will have a psychological need to “be right” about you. Moreover, this is what leads bystanders and others around you to assume that any negative gossip about you is true.

Sadly, this occurs despite a complete lack of evidence.

Whereas, if the gossip is about anyone else, people won’t believe any accusation of wrongdoing. They’ll only ignore it, even if there’s a mountain of evidence to back it up.

The Horns Effect leads to bias and prejudice

The Horns Effect leads teachers and supervisors to disqualify people who are well-deserving of and qualified for awards. For instance, if you’re qualify for an award, people will become so biased against you that they’ll select someone who doesn’t.

Moreover, they’ll punish you for a particular behavior while overlooking the same behavior in anyone else. People’s personal dislike, disrespect and hatred of you will influence this.

And if they happen to see any improvement or positive change in you, they won’t believe it. Or, they’ll assume it won’t last.

Others will only see it as, “Oh, she’s just on her best behavior to impress others and get them off her tail. She’ll be back to her bitch-self soon enough. Just give her time.”

At the same time, they may not see poor and unacceptable behavior in someone other than the you. With anyone else, people will say, “Oh, so-and-so would never have done that! That sounds like something (your name) would do!”

In other words, others will make excuses for someone else.

“I’m sure Becky didn’t mean to do XYZ.”

Or “Maybe Rhonda is just going through some things and that’s why she snapped and hit Chrissy with a baseball bat.”

The Horns Effect is the root of discrimination and prejudice just like the Halo Effect is the root of favoritism and partiality.

Under the horns effect, peers and superiors are less patient with you.

For example, teachers are less patient with you if you ask questions in class and you may eventually stop asking for help. Therefore, you won’t learn as much, won’t work as hard, and won’t make very high grades.

Consequently, this will only activate the teacher’s confirmation bias and reinforce her sullied opinion of you. She’ll only assume that you’re a lazy student.

If you’re under the thumb of the Horns Effect, others begin to see you as a terrible person. And they will block any opportunities for friendships, relationships, and success as word travels quickly.

Anytime you suffer bullying and it seems you can’t do anything right by anyone, you can bet that you’re under the spell of The Horns Effect.

An Unfair Disadvantage

It doesn’t matter whether you deserve the hatred others have toward you. The Horns Effect mars everyone’s interactions with you.

As a result, it leaves you feeling like you’re banging your head against a brick wall. Because though you may try, you can’t seem to get anywhere with people.

And because you’re unhappy, miserable, depressed and angry (and who wouldn’t be under those circumstances?), everyone will only feel justified in their hatred.

Therefore, once the Horn Effect takes hold and people form an image of you, it’s almost impossible to change. No matter what or how many good deeds you do, or how kind you are to others, people will see your goodness as a ploy to kiss-up and score brownie points.

the Horns Effect is A powerful tool for bullies

Understand that The Horns Effect is what bullies count on. And once the bullies complete their agenda of destroying your reputation, The Horns Affect automatically comes into play.

It’s tough to get others to change their first impressions of you. Though you can do it, it takes a truckload of patience and consistency.

Moreover, it takes a certain amount of pointing out your good qualities, hard work and successes to people. Ironically, this can backfire if you aren’t careful, because people may only think you’re trying to build yourself up.

Therefore, realize that any effort to effect change may do no good or make the situation worse. Because people naturally base their decisions and behavior on deeply hidden feelings. In other words, their actions toward you are subconscious.

Judgements Based on Emotions

Most people are either too lazy or too full-of-themselves to do any critical thinking. Therefore, they will rationalize any hateful behavior. Also, they will search for clues which confirm that their attitude, feelings and subsequent actions and behavior are justified.

Teachers will often grade student’s papers based on their biases. In other words, they rank a student’s essay based on how they perceive that student. If a teacher sees a student to be a lazy low performer, they’ll grade their assignments through that lens.

Understand that people don’t judge you for what’s actually there. They judge you from what they expect to be there.

Put another way, if they expect trouble to come from a particular place, then that’s where they’re going to look. Therefore, this brings me back to the subject. If people don’t like one thing about you, chances are they won’t like anything else about you, good or bad.

The Horns Effect: Who you are cancels out merit

Most ideas don’t stand on their own merits. People judge ideas based on who they come from. It’s a dark part of human nature.

The Horns and Halo Effects have a way of clouding people’s judgment of a person. People will make irrational beliefs because, again, they believe that the existence of one bad trait means that there are other unpleasant qualities.

Any time you are under the shadow of The Horns Effect, anything you say, accomplish, create or do is automatically dismissed without consideration of whether it’s genuine.

No matter who said it or did it, it’s either genuine or it isn’t, based on its own merit. It is what it is, no matter who it came from. A good idea is a good idea, even if it comes from the town whore. Whereas, a bad idea is a bad idea, even if it came from a pastor’s wife.

Unfortunately, you have little control over other’s perceptions and opinions of you. And, as mentioned earlier, people tend not to make judgements based on merit.

However, there are a few things you can do. One of which is to take care of yourself.

Do the things you love most and that fulfill your soul. Also, lean on and draw closer to the people who love you.

This is how you keep the spell of The Horns Effect from trashing your self-esteem.

This post is all about the horns effect so that unjustly disgraced victims of bullying can better understand what’s happening to them. Moreover, they can take steps to repair and salvage their confidence and psychological well-being.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

2. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out For

3. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

4. Like vs Respect: What’s the Difference?

5. Acceptance and Tolerance: 5 Best Ways to Know the Difference

Know Your Enemy: 7 Reasons to Gather Intel on Your Bullies

September 3, 2024August 29, 20244 Comments

Do you want to know how to gather intel on bullies and, figuratively, get to know your enemy? Here is a list of reasons why you should as well as an explanation of how you should go about it.

In this post, you will learn how to collect intel on your bullies and the reasons why it pays to do it. In that, you will learn how to get to know your enemy so that you can better predict and thwart their attacks to protect yourself.

Once you learn this valuable information, you will be able to better protect and defend yourself against bullies. Therefore, you will take back your personal power and your peace of mind.

This post is all about gathering intel on bullies so that you can know your enemy to protect yourself against them.

Know Your enemy

Knowledge is power! It’s also another way to take the sting out of bullying. You must first know the bullies’ inner workings- how they think, what they deem essential, their desires, and what it is that motivates them to bully.

Moreover, you must know the types of bullies you are dealing with, the tactics they love to use against you. Additionally you must know why they use them.

7 Reasons to Gather Intel on Your Bullies

1. To build a better strategy to defuse the bullying.

2. The information will serve as a buffer to your confidence and self-esteem.

3. To minimize the damage bullying causes your mental health

4. The information may help you to alleviate any anger or resentment you may feel toward your bullies.

5. To replace any feelings of hatred you may have for your bullies with those of pity.

6. The intel will help relieve feelings of powerlessness and help you feel some sense of vindication or justice.

7. To boost your confidence when you realize your bullies aren’t as bulletproof as they make themselves out to be.

Therefore, knowing all these things will minimize the damage to your overall mental health and wellbeing.

Let’s explain further by using a few examples.

Example 1:

A classmate or coworker is bullying you and you know that her best friend has recently kicked her to the curb. Maybe you have knowledge that your bully is going through a horrible break-up or divorce.

Moreover, it could be that she is being abused at home. or someone else is bullying her.

Therefore, with this information, you can be sure that there’s a strong possibility that she is only trying to tear you down to keep from feeling powerless.

In other words, when you know these things, your bully will least likely fool you into believing that there is something wrong with you.

You will then know without a doubt that her mistreatment comes from a place of her own insecurity and battered self-esteem.

Also, you’ll know that belittling you is only your bully’s desperate attempt to feel some sense of power.

Therefore, you’ll realize that you’re still a great person and your self-esteem will most likely remain unscathed. Also, it would undo any anger, hatred, or resentment you might otherwise feel towards her.

Instead, you will more than likely feel pity for her or even feel vindicated in some way. Any future bullying she might subject you to won’t bother you as much.

This will make it much easier for you to blow her off. Why? Because you’ll see her as being just another blowhard and not as perfect or strong as she has vigorously tried to make herself out to be.

And this will be a real self-esteem booster!

Know your enemy: example 2.

If your bully has NPD or has manipulative tendencies, you’d know that her ego is puffed up. Moreover, you would also figure that she’s a spoiled, coddled brat.

Maybe you find that she was mistreated in the past that she thinks she’s owed special treatment. Either way, you would realize that it’s probably best to avoid her like the plague and go no-contact.

Example 3:

You have a group of people who are bullying you because they are jealous and wish they had something you possess. This something could be talents, gifts, relationships, material things, anything, really.

Then, you know that you should feel great about yourself. Why? Because it only shows that these bullies admire you and covet the blessings you have.

This may sound strange or delusional. However, think about it.

Why else would these people seemingly go out of their way to belittle and crush your confidence?

Therefore, it helps to know what the bullies may be going through in their own lives. In other words, it pays to have a little intel about their lives outside of the bully environment (school, work, etc.).

Know your enemy: How do you gather information about your bullies?

1. Befriend and Align with the enemies of your bullies.

You’ve heard the quote, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” Believe it or not, there’s much wisdom and truth to this age-old saying.

Therefore, there’s nothing wrong with aligning yourself with not only your bullies’ enemies, but also, other victims they bullied before you.

Moreover, it’s not a sin to get counterintelligence from reliable sources if it’ll protect you from being crushed under the proverbial boot of your bullies.

Slowly get close to and befriend your bullies’ friends and rivals. Nonchalantly get their enemies and other victims to talk!

Doing this will be a piece of cake because an enemy will be too happy to give up the details! Therefore, you’ll be armed to the teeth with info that will take the wind out of the bullies’ sales and the blunt force out of their attacks.

2. Keep Your eyes and ears Open.

Especially if you live in a small community!

Though your bullies may have trashed your reputation, take it from one who’s been there. Bullies get talked about too, only people never talk openly about them.

Because the talkers fear becoming the bullies’ next targets, the talk is always in secret.

So, you aren’t the only one being victimized. There are others.

However, because the other victims find it hard to admit to being bullied and the bullies don’t admit to ever bullying anyone, you never hear about it.

Therefore, you mistakenly think that you are the only one they pick on.

Again, this is why it’s in your best interest to find out who your bullies’ enemies are and align yourself with them. Or, at least, hang around nearby and do some eavesdropping (without being obvious, of course).

And, boy! Will you find out some really juicy and embarrassing tidbits about your bullies’ lives!Moreover, you won’t have to ask. You’ll only need to sit or stand quietly, observe, and listen!

Know your enemy: Real Life Examples

Bullies may think they’re stars, but scratch the surface, and you’ll discover that they don’t shine so brightly after all.

One of my bullies is now a nurse, and I am good friends with several nurses who’ve had the displeasure of working with her.

In their words, not mine, “she is as incompetent as they come.”. Also, she has a big family secret, and if you’ve lived in the same town that she lives in long enough, you know what that secret is.

I’ll stop here to protect privacy. For years, this woman has bounced from one job to another, either getting fired or quitting when things didn’t go her way. She has also been through five, maybe six marriages.

Another bully dropped out of high school and ended up working as a waitress. She now owns her own restaurant but barely breaks even. Several other old bullies are incarcerated or have been, with one being convicted of murder and another convicted of armed robbery, running guns, and possession of illegal substances.

Therefore, bullies may get away with their behavior. But keep up up long enough, and they usually get caught and punished.

Bullies Usually Don’t go far.

Bullies are only ordinary people. Yet, they continue trying like mad to keep up with the Jones’s, making everyone think they have beaten the rat race and failing miserably.

Most bullies don’t leave the town they’re raised in. Yet, they still put on the facade of power and a perfect life. It’s hilarious when you really think about it.

Know your enemy: This is worth repeating.

Again!

1. Befriend your bullies’ enemies. This means striking up friendships with the other victims and outcasts in your school, workplace, or community.

I guarantee you that you aren’t the only one they’ve steamrolled. Bullies leave a lot of shattered lives in their wake and make lots of enemies. And strength always comes in numbers.

2. Listen out!

You will hear many stories about your bullies from the rest of the outcasts and other people who cannot stand them. Moreover, you will be surprised at what you find out.

It may be that your bullies get laughed at too. People are only careful who they do it around and are quieter about it. They must be, or the bullies will target them again.

3. Read expert books about bullies and bullying. The stuff you find out will shock you. However, it will also boost your morale and self-esteem!

Therefore, know that any information you get about your bullies is valuable to you. Always! Because it can then be used as leverage should the bullies come for you.

And please don’t let bullies tear down your confidence and self-esteem. Befriend your bullies’ enemies.

Open your eyes not only to your great value and worth but also to the facades your bullies hide behind and the acts they put on. I guarantee that your self-esteem will skyrocket.

This post is about the number 1 rule to know your enemy and the reasons why you should always gather intel on your bullies. Also, this post is about how to collect that intel.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. 7 Secrets to Instantly Expose Bullies

2. The 4 Stages of Bullying

3. Important Facts About Bullying: 3 Truths You Must Learn

4. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

5. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

How to Outsmart a Bully: 1 Proven Strategy.

August 23, 2024August 22, 20245 Comments

‘Want to know how to outsmart a bully at school or work and make yourself bully-proof? Here is one proven three-part technique you need to know about.

Having a bully on your tail can be overwhelmingly stressful. If you’re anything like I was when it was happening to me, you’re probably wondering how to outsmart a bully. As someone who has been there and used this method successfully, I’m giving you the exact tactic that worked for me.

You are going to learn the exact tactic that works like a charm.

After you learn this three-step strategy. You will be able to successfully lure your bullies into a trap they won’t be able to escape from. Moreover, they will think twice before trying to use you again.

This post is all about how to outsmart a bully at school, work, or the community by using the three part tactic that every victim of bullying should know.

how to outsmart a bully

Before we get into the three-part strategy, let’s first discuss the bully’s attitude about anyone who is smart.

Whether in the school, workplace, community, or even family setting, bullies hate a person who’s smart. Why? Because anyone who’s intelligent is likely to see through their acts and smoke screens.

Moreover, bullies also hate anyone who’s independent because they’re least likely to be controlled and subdued. In fact, most independent people are smart because they know how to improvise and do not need anyone else to hold their hand.

As we see in so many examples today in government and media, bullies would rather have you dependent, submissive, and ignorant. Now, why is this?

It’s because an ignorant person is a gullible person who will believe anything others tell them even if it leads them to the slaughter.

naivete is the root of dependence and submissiveness.

People who aren’t very bright, are the easiest to take power from and control because they never think for themselves. Also, they never think critically. People with low IQ take everything at face value and will fall for anything.

Moreover, a person who is naive either hasn’t had enough life lessons to learn, or they’ve been coddled and sheltered. In other words, they weren’t allowed to fall on their butt and have never been made to pick themselves back up.

Therefore, this person is also dependent. They are dependent because they never learned how to fend for themselves. Who can learn anything when, people are constantly bailing them out?

The ignorant are also submissive because they’ll do anything people, especially those who have a little influence (politicians, media, celebrities, sports figures…anyone with authority and clout) tell them just to stay in their good graces and those of society and the public.

How to outsmart a bully: Realize that Bullies easily take advantage of those who are naive, dependent, and submissive.

Therefore, understand that knowledge is power. Having the knowledge of evil and the motives and intentions behind it is the only way you’ll be able to protect yourself from it.

On the other hand, if you don’t know evil is happening, you’ll never be able to defend yourself against it. Therefore, you will be blindsided and thrown off balance when evil finally strikes!

And then you will be defenseless!

And the same will be if you’re willfully blind and ignorant. Though ignorance may be bliss, it won’t help you when evil strikes and reality is staring you square in the face. You’ll be just as defenseless!

You’re never too old to learn. And the process of attaining growth and wisdom is never comfortable.

In fact, it can be downright painful because it requires that you unlearn some of the falsehoods that have been drummed into your head for so long.

It also requires that you admit that you were duped- that you fell for all the bullies’ lies and that you were wrong. And, yes, it also demands that you admit that you are, or have been…wait for it… a dimwit! Gasp! Ouch!

It’s what I had to do, and it wasn’t fun, I can tell you!

It will be worth it in the end!

However, once you allow yourself to go through this painful process. In other words, once you admit some hard truths, you will come out a much better version of yourself. You will be wise, and it will be as if you’ve been given a new set of eyes.

You will see so much clearer and be able to pick out the tiniest detail. And the devil is always in the details.

Again, ignorance is bliss, but only for so long. Eventually, you will do either one of two things. You will either wise up and act to save yourself. Or, you will suffer the shock of realizing you were duped all along.

And your eyes will finally open the moment you face the very real prospect of being destroyed by the very people who fooled you.

How to outsmart a bully at school or work: What is the three-part strategy?

1. go ahead and allow the bullies to think you’re ignorant.

In other words, play the fool!

Here’s one thing you must know right now. When people think you aren’t very smart, you can run circles around them if you know how to use it to your advantage.

Why? Because you can use it to deceive your bullies and lull them into a false sense of security. Moreover, you can give them a feeling of mind-superiority and disarm any suspicions they may have.

Here’s one of the anti-bullying quotes I put on social media a few years back.

“When people mistake you for being stupid, it can really be a good thing if you know how to use it to your advantage. You can pull some sly, shady stuff and get away with it because no one would ever suspect it was you. They’d never think you were smart enough to pull it off!”

This is especially true with aggressive bullies because they’ll often rush in foolishly and make rash decision. As a result, they can get themselves in a lot of trouble.

Furthermore, this also works on arrogant and overconfident bullies. Why? Because the easier they think it is to abuse you, the easier it is for you to flip the script on them.

How to Outsmart a Bully: If you’re going to play the fool, be a genius at it!

If you want to move up any ladder but are low on the social hierarchy, appearing foolish can be the perfect cover! In other words, look like a complete moron, and no one will ever suspect you have tricks up your sleeve.

When bullies deem you a dummy, they don’t perceive you as a threat. They may look down on you, yes. But they’ll likely leave you alone. Therefore, when you finally put your plan into action and strike without warning, you’ll catch them completely by surprise.

So let them think you’re a complete idiot and use it as a weapon against them and a boon for yourself. Bullies may laugh at you behind your back, but if you know how to use it to your advantage, you’ll be the last one laughing!

When Bullies Label You “not smart,” Always Remember this:

Everyone’s a dummy outside of their talents, gifts and fields!

Fish can’t fly,
Birds can’t swim,
Most pro football players can’t write fiction novels,
And most singers and writers probably suck at sports!

My point is that everyone has something they’re good at, maybe some haven’t found out what it is, but everyone has a talent somewhere!

Moreover, understand that people will say things like this any time they feel you are surpassing them at something. Even better they lull themselves into thinking you are the most foolish person on earth.

However, if you see it as an opportunity, you can turn tables on bullies and make utter fools out of them- right before the eyes of everyone else!

2. How to Outsmart a Bully at school, work, or anywhere: Slyly Bolster your bullies’ ego.

In other words, let them delude themselves into a false sense of superiority and security. Oh yes! You read that correctly! Let them think you’re the most ignorant fool around because it’s the first step in laying your trap for them.

And once they get the idea that you’re such a dim bulb that you couldn’t pour pee out of a boot, that’s when it’s time to pull something elaborate, sly and shady as hell!

Put another way, look even more ignorant than your bullies and their perceptions of you will be your shield. They will be your cover when you slyly bait them or attack them, trick or deceive them!

Then, once they do find out you were behind it, it’ll be too late. And your bullies will look like blooming idiots!

3. Strike Unexpectedly.

Put your attack or dirty trick into action. Then, stand back and watch your bullies as they stand there slack jawed. Enjoy the embarrassment they feel and laugh to yourself.

Here’s a good example of this three-step strategy: This is how to outsmart a bully at school.

Celie is in the seventh grade and is a victim of bullying. A group of female bullies sits at the table next to hers and they are brutal.

One day, suddenly and out of the clear blue, they begin acting nice to Celie.

Celie knows there was a catch somewhere. However, she decides to humor the bullies just to see what they want.

Sure enough, a week later, the bullies very sweetly ask her to take up their trays (Ah-HA!!!)

Celie smiles at her bullies and agrees to do it. Therefore, she decides to demean herself for a little while and be their maid for a while. Why? Because Celie has a slick plan for those little creepstresses!

1. How to outsmart a bully At School: Celie Let’s the bullies think she’s ignorant.

So, the other kids laugh and think Celie is a complete pushover. But they don’t suspect that Celie knows something they don’t. But, they’ll soon find out once the opportunity arrives for her to put her plan into action.

2. Celie bolsters her bullies’ ego by continuing to clean up their mess.

Celie continues to play maidservant to her bullies for the next two weeks. That is, until the day finally comes when the bullies decide to get up and leave the lunchroom.

Just as Celie hopes they do, the bully girls leave their trays, empty milk cartoons, dirty napkins and other garbage lying on the table. They have grown so arrogant, thinking Celie will continue to clean up after them.

3. Celie seizes the opportunity and strikes unexpectedly.

Celie sees her chance. She only gets up and goes to her next class, leaving those trays sitting right there on the table. She leaves the trays exactly where the girls have left them!

As a result, the cafeteria ladies take down the names of all the girls and reports them to the principal!

The principal then calls the girls out of class, takes them back to the cafeteria and makes them clean up their mess. Oh, the humiliation they suffer!

Word gets around about the incident in a matter of minutes, and the girls became laughing stocks of the school! School staff scowl at the girls and other kids point fingers at them, calling them pigs, skanks, slobs, and other degrading names!

Joy! Celie ends up making her bullies look like the utter garbage they are.

And the bullies’ reactions? Fury! Rage! They immediately threaten physical retaliation. They yell and scream, calling Celie all kinds of names, while she only points and laughs at them.

The bullies never bother her again after their anger cools. They learn a valuable lesson in this. Never underestimate someone you think isn’t smart. They just might prove to be smarter than you think.

This post is all about how to outsmart a bully so that you can humiliate your bullies so badly that they stop targeting you.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Bully Proof: 7 Do’s and Don’ts for Victims of Bullying

2. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t

July 19, 2024July 20, 20249 Comments

Did you know that there are times when you don’t have to explain yourself? Do you want to know the 5 reasons you shouldn’t and under which circumstances?

A sad part of people targeting you for bullying is that they will force you to take responsibility for things you can’t control, like their horrid behavior. Also, chances are good that you’re doing all the research on how to gather the courage to refuse to answer to your bullies.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. Sure, people have told you this time and time again. But how do you gather the courage to refuse? You learn, most likely, the hard way, that your bullies are only trying to strip you of your personal power.

Therefore, in this post, you will learn the reasons why you don’t have to explain yourself to your bullies.

After you learn not to answer to these people, you will finally be your own hero. Also, you will take back your personal power and live in peace.

This post is all about the steps and mindsets to get to a place to where you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. These are things that every target of bullying should learn.

You Don’t have to Explain Yourself

Why? Because bullies don’t care what your reasons are. There are reasons bullies accuse and attack you. Also, there are reasons why you don’t owe them any explanations.

1. Bullies project on you. They accuse you of the same things they are guilty of.

The reason they do this is to make you look like the guilty man. And when you try to explain yourself to them and swear up and down that you didn’t do anything wrong, your bullies will twist it to make it look as if you’re the one trying to cover your own behind.

For example, when you stand up for yourself, they will accuse you of being rude and disrespectful. However, realize that your bullies will only do this to gaslight you and make you feel guilty for defending yourself.

Don’t fall for it. Simply call out their gaslighting and tell them to step off. Or, you could just put your hand up and walk away.

However, in most cases, your best recourse is to not try so hard to convince anyone of anything. Let people believe what they want, then let that help you decide who you should cut out of your life for good.

For the love of Pete! If the people who take your bullies word over yours are those you thought were your friends, show those people the door. Fast!

Look at it this way. These people aren’t really your friends and they don’t deserve the privilege of your presence, let alone your friendship! Stop keeping company with people who aren’t worth your time.

Understand that when you rid yourself of fake friends, you automatically make room for true friends to come into your life. And believe me, they will. You might have to wait a while but better people will show up in your life.

2. Another Reason Why You don’t have to explain yourself: Some people Will Try to Bait you

Moreover, the reason they bait you into explaining yourself is the psychological payoff they get from it. These psychological payoffs are satisfaction, gratification, and a massive rush of power.

To break it down, while you’re standing there wasting your breath, trying to convince your bullies that you aren’t guilty of whatever they’re accusing you of, they’re mentally smirking and patting themselves (and each other) on the back.

They’re proud of themselves over how easily they’ve gotten you to react. Also, they’re getting a high on how easily they can scare you, make you nervous, and get you all up in arms.

Therefore, realize that some things don’t need an explanation and some people don’t deserve one.

3. Explanations are usually a waste of time and energy

Why? For three reasons:

1. No matter what you say, how calm you are when you say it, how convincing you may sound, or how much evidence you may have to support you, bullies will never believe you anyway.

2. Understand that most people only believe whatever feels right, useful, and convenient for them.

3. They aren’t interested in evidence or facts. Facts may only deter them for the time being, but believe me when I tell you. Your bullies will only get angrier at you for having the gall to prove them wrong.

Then, they’ll regroup, reorganize, then come back at you with a whole new accusation and demand yet another explanation later.

Sometimes it’s just better to let them all know up front that you don’t owe them any explanations. Then, end the confrontation by telling them all to piss off before turning your back on them and walking away.

4. If nothing else, know this! Your bullies and abusers already know you’re innocent of their accusations.

In other words, all the mind games they play with you are deliberate!

Understand that anytime bullies accuse you of wrongdoing that you neither committed nor know anything about, they’re doing it to make a big show. Have you noticed that toxic people usually loudly accuse you of something in front of an audience?

Again, these people already know you’re innocent. They’re only doing it for show and to achieve nefarious ends.

They are, more than likely, fully aware that you had nothing to do with the transgression they accuse you of. So, you must realize that it’s only a trap to get you to react.

And why would they stop? You’ve probably been giving them that rush of power all along. And your bullies are addicted to it.

Understand that the power rush always wears off quickly. Therefore, your bullies will only crave another rush soon and come back for more. Power is something bullies can’t get enough of.

5. even if you produce evidence to prove your point, you will have to work to gather that evidence.

Do you really want to work that hard all your life? Here’s another hard fact about bullies:

They get their thrills just knowing they have you jumping through hoops to prove yourself. Therefore, stop trying so hard to prove yourself to people who don’t (or shouldn’t) matter.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. “Who are these morons?

2. “Who are they that I should have to explain anything?”

3. “Since when do I have to explain anything to people who have no bearing on my life. They don’t pay my bills, they don’t sign my paychecks, and they aren’t my spouse or my parents. These people have no say over any part of my life.

4. Are they even up to my level?

5. Do they bring anything positive and worthwhile to my life?

Once you ask these questions, you will know the answers. Moreover, you’ll realize that you don’t owe these people a damn thing!

I understand that bullies can be intimidating and threatening. It’s hard to resist an explanation when you’re scared to death.

It’s difficult not to began rattling off in nervousness, when you just want them to go away and leave you in peace. But trust me, they won’t! Remember, bullies and abusers always come back for more!

This bears repeating. It won’t make things better. If anything, the harassment will only get worse because your reaction will only make you an even bigger and easier target.

Here’s what Will Happen Once You Realize what Your Bullies are Doing

Once you realize what your bullies are doing and where it all comes from, you will began to get bored with them. Also, you will blow the bullies off with a “whatever,” and walk away because their mind games will no longer affect you.

Therefore, you’ll feel much better. And the icing on the cake will be that you’ll take the wind out of the bullies’ sails. Moreover, you won’t be any fun to them anymore.

The day will then come when your bullies will finally leave you alone and find some one else to toy around with.

This is why you must do whatever is necessary to take back your personal power and your life. Stop thinking you have to explain yourself to people who could care less anyway. Since when do you owe thing a damn thing?

Know that you deserve so much better. Command the respect you deserve. Also command better treatment. And if that means you walk away and sever ties with toxic people, then, so be it.

Therefore, know that you can do better than them.

This post is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself to bullies and abusers. Its purpose was to help you lift yourself out of victimhood and reclaim your power.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

2. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

3. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

4. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

5. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

confidence, empowerment, smaller chess piece looking in the mirror to see bigger chess piece

How to Stop a Bully from Bullying You: 7 Powerful Strategies

July 2, 2024August 12, 202411 Comments

‘Want to know how to stop a bully from bullying you? This includes how to stop a narcissist from bullying you and how to stop a teacher from bullying you. Here are thirteen time-tested responses to bullies and bullying that you need to know.

Having a bully on your tail can be frustrating, and that’s putting it mildly. If you’re like I was, you’re wondering what you can do to make this person go away and restore your peace of mind.
As someone whose experienced bullying firsthand, I’m giving you powerful tips on how to stop a bully from bullying you so that you can take your safety back.

You will learn about the most powerful strategies you can use to discourage bullies from coming for you and finally live a peaceful life.

Once you learn these time-tested strategies, you will make your bully think twice before targeting you again and you will win back your confidence, safety, and overall freedom.

This post is all about how to stop a bully from bullying you and the strategies you must use so that you can take back not only your confidence and self-esteem, but also a degree of control over what happens in your life.

How to stop a bully from bullying you

Many targets and victims of bullying have asked, “When will they stop bullying me?” That’s a fair question when it seems that everyone is bullying you every day for everything.

Therefore, here’s your answer. Bullies will stop bullying when you take away their power.
But…how do you take away their power?

You do it by using these strategies:

1. Stop giving a crap what people think or what they say.

However, getting to the point of not caring takes several realizations. It takes understanding what is behind the bullying and accepting that some people just don’t matter and are not meant for you.

Hey. I know it’s easier said than done. We all want to be liked and approved of by others. To be accepted and a part of a group is a natural human need.

But, some people are just no good for us. Toxic people do not deserve to be in your life, and bullies are toxic people. So why should their opinions matter?

Understand that when you finally stop giving a crap what other people think, that’s when people will stop bullying you.

Believe this: There will come a time when the bullies have pulled the same shenanigans for so long that it will all become boring to you. I say this because that’s the way it went with me.

That’s when their words and tricks will no longer have any effect on you and the way you see yourself.

As a result, it will take the wind out of your bullies’ sails. They will soon leave you alone and move on to someone else. Then, your life will skyrocket!

2. How to stop a bully from bullying you: Realize that everyone endures trash-talk, not just you.

You must realize that there will always be those with something negative to say. Understand that everyone gets talked about and that everyone has haters.

When you finally realize that you aren’t the only one people trash, you will have a whole new perspective that will serve as a buffer to any attacks bullies may launch.

Therefore, accept the fact that not everyone will like you and be okay with it. People are going to talk about you until the day you die, and even beyond. It’s just a part of life.

3. Know that a bully’s attacks say more about them than about you.

Again, just let them talk and embrace it! Stop thinking that something must be wrong with you. Because you’re fine just the way you are.

In fact, here are a few positive ways you can look at it:

A. When people talk about you, good or bad, at least you know you aren’t boring.
And most people would rather be “bad” than boring. Also, you must be doing something right if people are mentioning you all the time. When they talk about you, good or bad, they make you relevant.

B. When people talk smack about you, it only means you still consume their minds.
So, who’s really in control here?

C. You have a lot of power if you can stir resentment or hate in someone without trying or meaning to. It only goes to show that the dummy doing the talking can easily be controlled by you with little effort on your part.

D. They must really admire you and want to be like you.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t even be an afterthought to them. They’re admitting that they don’t have lives of their own. So, they take an interest in yours, which means that your life must be more interesting than theirs!

E. They have an Obsession with you.
Like the old saying goes, “He who angers you controls you.”

So, why not feel good about it and, even better, take advantage of it by letting them talk. Because some things don’t need a defense.

Just sit back, smile, and let the pettiness amuse you. Be your sweet self, and others will see through the petty attacks too.

When you finally wise up and take this approach, the results will surprise you and your only regret will be that you didn’t realize this earlier.

Therefore, attitude is what it’s all about. With the right attitude, you can beat your bullies without ever lifting a finger!

4. Know that you do not need their approval and shouldn’t even consider it.

Bullies love to brainwash you into thinking you need their approval. You don’t!

Moreover, bullies draw their power from brainwashing another person and making them believe that they’re nothing without their approval. Don’t give your bullies that kind of power.

In other words, don’t believe those lies. Ask yourself this question. “Who are they that my worth should depend on their approval?”

The truth is that you are enough and always have been and you don’t need their approval. Your bullies aren’t that important.

5. Realize that your bullies’ so-called coolness and badassery are only illusions.

Understand that bullies are not what they would have you believe. They’re not so tough. They aren’t the baddest mothers in the land. They’re only good at keeping up appearances and fooling others.

Moreover, once you ferret out your bullies’ weaknesses and see that they really aren’t all that, you will have confidence you never thought possible. You will easily blow them off with a “whatever.”

Your bullies will then move on to someone else because bullies can’t thrive without a victim.
To put it another way, take the victim out of the equation, and bullies have nothing. Remove yourself from the equation, and you have everything!

Therefore, you can only do this when you stop caring. Period.

6. If Bullies Get Physical, Defend yourself.

In other words, if a bully lays so much as a finger on you, punch them smack in the nose. Then keep punching the bully until he’s down for the count.

Remember that bullies only understand power, strength, and brute force. Therefore, you must communicate with them in the only language they understand.

Regardless of what school officials, managers, the media, and anyone in authority says, bullies will stop bullying you once you give them all five directly in the face. And I say this from experience.

Again, a good tail whipping works wonders.

Reclaim your power and watch your life become more rewarding than you ever imagined!

7. How to stop a bully from bullying you: If your bully tries to verbally assault you, don’t stay quiet.

In other words, respond to verbal abuse by coming back with a good burn. Why? Because burns always humiliate bullies, especially if an audience is present.

Moreover, counter the verbal attack with something funny, that stings even worse.
Bullies absolutely fear being humiliated and once you embarrass one bad enough and make him look like a chump, he’ll never bother you again.

This usually takes quick wit. However, this can be developed and mastered.

When a bully is verbally attacking you, the last thing you want to do is to say nothing at all. You may think you are ignoring the bully and you may very well be.

However, most bullies don’t see it as you ignoring them. No. They see it as either fear or defiance and they will only double down and really try to get you from then on.

Therefore, you must shut it down right when it begins. Again, a good burn is always best because it not only stuns the bully and throws them off balance, it also humiliates them.

So, deliver an awesome burn and the bully just may leave you alone and move on to an easier target.

Moreover, you will take back your safety and peace of mind.

This post was all about how to stop a bully from bullying you so that you can take back your safety, dignity, and your confidence.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: 5 Powerful Steps

June 21, 2024August 12, 202412 Comments

Do you want to know the best ways to stop being a people pleaser? These steps are the best time-tested ways that you must know and practice.

Being a people pleaser can be downright overwhelming because you’re too busy trying to please others to take care of your own needs. If you’re like I was, you’re probably wondering how to stop being a people pleaser.

You are going to learn exactly how to stop being a people pleaser by learning the actions you should take to get there.

Once you learn about all these steps, you will finally free yourself from the impulse to people please, Also, you will be surprised at how much happier and freer you’ll be.

This post is all about how to stop being a people pleaser, so that you can finally take care of your own needs and live a freer and more peaceful and relaxing life.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Before we get into the steps, let’s refresh ourselves a little. What is a people pleaser?

A people pleaser is someone who constantly puts others’ wants and needs before their own. But, why do some many feel the need to people please?

There are many reasons. However, the most common reason for people pleasing is to seek and win approval from others. Other reasons include:

1. To avoid conflict

2. Low self-esteem

3. Insecurity

4. The desire to be liked and win friends

5. The fear of retaliation.

For example, many targets of bullying become people-pleasers because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that if they dare to say no, they’ll be harmed. This is because, saying no has gotten them just that- hurt! Therefore, they’re deathly afraid to assert themselves and say anything bullies and their helpers don’t want to hear.

Don’t be a simp!

Realize that being a people pleaser rarely produces the desired outcome. In fact, in most cases, it only produces the exact opposite of what you want.

To put it in simpler terms, anytime you sacrifice your own needs to please others and score approval, people only lose respect for you. Understand that people know a people pleaser when they spot one.

If anything, they will only look down on you with a mixture of disgust, pity and hilarity. Moreover, you attract users and abusers. The term, “people pleaser” is just another word for “simp.”

There is nothing more pathetic than someone who simps for approval or to avoid conflict. Realize that conflict is a part of life and you must gather the courage to deal with it.

Think of the song, “Self-esteem” by The Offspring and if you haven’t heard it, hop onto YouTube and give it a listen.

Here’s how to stop being a people pleaser:

1. Set boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. However, it is a must if you want to take back control of your life. However, people pleasers have no boundaries and other people quickly take notice of that, then take full advantage.

When you have no boundaries, others will have no respect.

Setting boundaries, on the other hand, shows that you have self-respect. It also shows that you’re not afraid to make your needs a priority even if it makes other people angry.

Why? Because you fully understand that the reason these people become angry with you is because they’re afraid that the benefits they’ve been getting at your expense are about to stop.

Stop giving too much of yourself to people who don’t appreciate you. Also, stop giving at your own expense.

You must realize that how you treat yourself shows in how you allow others to treat you. Therefore, know that you deserve better!

2. Another way to Stop being a people pleaser is to Stop apologizing

From the time we’re toddlers, our parents and older family members teach us to apologize when we do something wrong. Although this is a good thing, if we overdo it, it can backfire.

Sadly, if you’re a victim of bullying, you probably apologize way too much because others have bullied you for so long. Consequently, all your over-apologizing only gives others the green light to blame you for virtually everything that goes wrong.

Therefore, you must stop apologizing for things that don’t need an apology. Realize that this overwhelming urge to apologize needlessly is only a knee-jerk reaction that comes from extreme fear.

Your incessant apologies are ways to appease others. Also, it’s a way to make them go away and leave you alone. So, you must address this fear and confront it head-on.

Understand that you don’t have to take accountability for things you had nothing to do with. There’s no need to apologize for anything that was beyond your control.

You must realize that over apologizing is a self-defeating habit. Moreover, regardless of what you might think, it won’t protect you from further abuse.

Even if, on the off chance, it does save you from retaliative abuse, it will eat away at your self-esteem.

Therefore, you must realize that not everything that happens is your burden to carry.

Anytime you make unnecessary apologies, you’re taking responsibility for things that aren’t your fault. And when you give bullies undeserved apologies, you take accountability for their deplorable behavior.

In the end, it only makes you a bigger target.

But when you refuse to apologize when you don’t need to, you show greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power. Moreover, you display more dignity and integrity. Therefore, you instantly become less a victim.

3. Say no, and say it often.

The word no yields more power than any other word in the English language. On the other hand, the word yes holds none whatsoever.

Therefore, you must say no and say it often. And yes. This means gathering the courage to say no to people who are used to hearing yes. In other words, you must say no to people who probably don’t take no for an answer.

Therefore, saying no is risky, don’t get me wrong. However, saying yes to bullies and unsavory people won’t necessarily keep them from harming you. It may hold them off for the time being but won’t keep the bullies away forever. They always come back for more later.

Realize that bullies never make good on their promises that they’ll “leave you alone if you’ll only” do xyz, and the harassment won’t stop. If anything, it will only get worse still!

So, say no anyway. You may indeed end up with a shiner and a fat lip. However, those wounds will heal. But the psychological injury of wishing you hadn’t let yourself down will last for years.

Realize that saying yes to some people, especially bullies, means saying no to yourself.

It’s better for others to hate you than for you to hate yourself because you caved into someone else’s unreasonable demands. Realize that no one can make your time and your needs a priority but you!

Remember. The goal here is to take back your personal power and saying no is the most effective way to do it.

4. Practice self-care

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential to your physical and mental well being. Nobody else will do it for you. Therefore, it’s up to you to take care of yourself, even if others disagree.

Understand that f you don’t begin looking out for number one, you’ll only continue playing second fiddle to others. Or worse, you might end up coming in last!

The only one you should come second to is God! Especially around bullies and people who don’t value you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you’re a parent raising children, or you have an ailing mother who depends on you, it’s only natural that you would put your family ahead of yourself- that’s a given. We all have an obligation to our families.

It’s also a given (or should be) that you always put God ahead of everyone else, including yourself. Again, that’s completely understandable, and more than that, it’s expected.

But when you’re in a toxic environment, around people who want to use and take you for granted, understand that you are top priority and to hell with them if they don’t like it.

Expect some, especially bullies and abusers, to tell you that putting yourself first is selfish or greedy. Because they will. They’ll say that taking care of yourself only means that you’re self-centered.

Bullies and abusers will tell you these lies to shame you into staying around and silently taking their abuse. However, don’t fall for that crap!

Continue to do you and the naysayers will eventually go away and find some other sucker to toy around with. That’s when you’ll know that you have taken back control of your life.

5. Make your needs a priority

This means that your needs come first, then you can take care of others if you must. Realize that constantly putting other’s needs before your own will only leave you feeling stressed, exhausted, miserable, and controlled!

How can you have time to pursue your own interests when people are constantly haranguing you for favors? When you make too much time for others, you’ll have no time left for yourself.

Therefore ,your own productivity goes down when you limit your own time for other people’s priorities.

Moreover, when you’re too available for others, your relationships suffer because people lose respect for you. Even worse, it will slowly erode your confidence and self-esteem.

Realize that most people have their own self-interests in mind. I want you to understand that you are the only person responsible for meeting your needs. No one else can do that for you.

Charity always begins at home. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Practice these five steps and you will no longer be a people pleaser. Instead, you will have control of your life and ensure your own peace of mind.

This post was all about how to stop being a people pleaser so that you can free yourself from others’ demands and take back your freedom and peace of mind.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. How to Stop Caring What People Think: 9 Powerful Steps

2. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

3. Phrases to Shut Down a Gaslighter: 9 Powerful Statements to Use

4. How to Respond to Darvo: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

5. Defending Yourself from Bullies: 11 Best Defenses

Gaslighting Phrases: 7 Most Common Statements to Be Aware of

May 17, 2024May 11, 20245 Comments

Would you like to know gaslighting phrases so that you can see and hear gaslighting as it happens? These are the most common statements bullies will use to make you doubt yourself.

When bullies hurl gaslighting statements your way, it can be twice as hurtful. Why? Because they victimize you a second time after you call out the initial abuse. As one who’s personally experienced this kind of behavior, I’m giving you the top gaslighting phrases to keep an ear out for.

You are going to learn the most common gaslighting phrases bullies use against their targets.

After you learn about all these statements, you will be better prepared with the proper comebacks to shut these creeps down. Moreover, you will have a greater chance of taking back control of your life.

This post is all about the most common gaslighting phrases that every target of bullying should watch for.

Gaslighting phrases:

Before we begin with the seven most common phrases used by gaslighters, I will mention the definition and goal of gaslighting for anyone who is new to this topic.

So, what is gaslighting?

Gaslighting comes from the 1940s film, “Gaslight,” in which an abusive husband exploits his wife by trying to convince her that she is going crazy. Another word for this type of abuse is “crazymaking.”

Gaslighting is a form of abuse that bullies and abusers inflict by saying things to cause their victims to doubt themselves and their own personal experiences. Moreover, the goal of gaslighting is for bullies to wield more power over the victim while diminishing their account of the abuse they suffer.

It is a sick and perverse mind game abusers play with their targets. So, what are the most common gaslighting phases bullies use and what do they sound like?

1. “You’re only imagining things.”

Bullies and abusers use this phrase to get you to doubt your own reality and question your own sanity. Furthermore, they aim to discredit you and to prompt bystanders and witnesses to question you as well. It’s so easy, it shouldn’t work.

But it does work, perhaps, a little too well!

By using this phrase (usually in front of an audience) the gaslighter attacks your ability to remember things accurately. Just as they do with the first statement, they discredit you by making you seem paranoid to others around them.

Moreover, they use this phrase to humiliate and silence you. Bullies hope that by doing this, they can silence you by making you so afraid of looking crazy that you’ll keep your mouth shut.

In short, this phrase has many goals: To discredit, embarrass, intimidate, and silence you.

This is why so many victims of this tactic eventually stop talking, while bullies and abusers only continue and escalate the abuse.

2. “That Didn’t happen.”

This is another deceitful response bullies and abusers quote to discredit you. This statement is also designed to make you look as if you have a faulty memory and can’t keep your story straight.

Moreover, when bullies make this statement, they make sure to look confident when they say it. They also say it with conviction. Here’s one thing you should know right now!

Abusers know that confidence (even false confidence) and conviction are THE two ingredients that will make any lie believable to bystanders.

So, be sure to keep this last bold sentence in the back of your mind! Always!

3. “You’re crazy!”

This is, perhaps, the worst of all gaslighting phrases.

Yep. There’s that crazy label again. Attacking your mental stability is the worst thing your bullies and abusers could ever do to you. The reason is that society believes those with mental illness the least, discredits them the most, and treats them the worst.

Moreover, hardened criminals and former prison inmates get better treatment than people who are believed to be mentally unstable. The reality is that people will take the word of a bank robber, rapist, or even a murderer over that of someone society has labelled mentally ill.

Bullies and abusers instinctively know this. And when they attack your sanity, they immediately shove you down to the bottom of the societal hierarchy. Furthermore, tearing off this label is the most difficult thing to do.

It’s much easier to exonerate yourself from accusations of a heinous crime than it is from the label of insanity or mental defect.

Additionally, your abusers only set you up to face a plethora of hate, discrimination, and prejudice in the future. Why? Because society, as a whole, even today, fosters an intense hatred of the mentally ill.

those perceived to be mentally ill are treated worse than hardened criminals.

And the hatred is so much so that even the mere perception that you are imbalanced can bring hatred to your doorstep. In fact, you may very well be the most sane and stable person on the face of the earth.

However, all it takes is for one person to paint you as “crazy,” spread the word to enough people, then kick back and let the court of public opinion take it from there. It’s that easy.

As a result, your reputation will fall like a meteor. ‘You see? The sad thing is this:

Although it’s true that no one can ever prove that you are, in fact, crazy, there’s also no way that you can prove that you’re not. Mental defect OR fitness is, pretty much, impossible to prove.

Again, bullies and abusers are fully aware of these things, which is what makes the crazy label itself especially brutal. It has totally ruined the lives of many good, honest, and hardworking people.

4. “this is why nobody likes you.”

Bullies and abusers are masters at isolating their victims. They very skillfully use smear campaigns to turn friends, and yes, even family members against their targets. Bullies do this by reversing the roles and claiming to everyone that they are the one who has long suffered from your abuse.

The reason your bullies slander you to anyone who’ll listen is because it gives them the confirmation they so desperately need that you are a bad person.

Moreover, it breaks down the support system you once had, which gives your attackers a green light to continue and intensify the bullying and abuse. Bullies can now abuse you more freely without fear of anyone butting in and trying to interfere.

In other words, they don’t have to worry about any of your friends/family trying to rescue you.

This is why bullies despise it when you have friends and people who love and care about you. It undermines their power and control over you.

With that said, once your controller has succeeded in isolating you, this is one of the main gaslighting phrases you will hear them say. You bullies will say this to make you feel devalued and to drive the point into your head that you aren’t lovable, wanted, worthy of friendship… take your pick.

The goal here is to break your confidence and lower your self-esteem. Understand that this, or any other gaslighting statements are meant to condition your mind over time.

The process of gaslighting is gradual and slowly wears you down until you feel totally powerless.

5. “You Bring It all On Yourself,” Is another one of the most obvious of gaslighting phrases.

This evil and self-serving statement is meant to take responsibility off the bully/abuser and place it onto the victim. In other words, bullies refuse to take accountability for their bad behavior and, instead, blame the target.

In doing this, they re-victimize the target and blame them for being bullied and abused. Other such gaslighting phrases abusers may use are:

“It’s your own fault.”

“You got what was coming to you.”

“You made me hurt you.”

NOTE: “You made me” statements are especially obvious gaslighting phrases. You should see them as such and cut ties with the gaslighter immediately if possible. If this isn’t possible right away, you may need to plan your exit slowly and carefully while waiting and watching for the opportunity to get out.

6. You’re over-reacting” or “You’re being too sensitive”

Gaslighting statements like these are used to trivialize reality, your feelings, and your response. Understand that bullies are experts at trivializing their bad behavior along with your feelings and responses to it.

The goal here is to undermine your voice and your word in front of an audience and convince others not to take you seriously. If your bullies can cause others to call you into question and perceive you as paranoid, they can bleed you of any outside support.

7. “Everyone is on my side!” or “Everyone Agrees with me!”

This is also one of the top 3 worst gaslighting phrases. The reason it’s so bad is because it makes you feel outnumbered and out-voted. In other words, by making this statement, the bullies want you to feel as if everyone is ganging up on you.

Therefore, the more people you think side with the bullies, the more likely you are to doubt and question your own judgement. Abusers hope you do because if you doubt yourself, it’s easier for the people around you to doubt you too.

In conclusion, if you want to preserve your self-esteem and mental health, it is imperative that you know who you are and what you experience. Stay strong and never doubt what you see, hear, and experience no matter what mind games and tricks your bullies play.

Also, if possible, you must leave the environment (the company, the school, the relationship) if you expect to begin healing and take back control of your life.

Remember that people have left their home countries to escape oppression. That’s what gaslighting is, it’s a form of oppression as is other kinds of bullying and abuse.

It won’t be easy. In fact, it will be tough for a while. But it will be worth it in the end! I promise!

This post is all about the most common gaslighting phrases to help you see gaslighting for what it is and find a way out of any bullying environment!

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Signs of Gaslighting: The 7 Signs You Must Know

2. How to Respond to DARVO: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

3. Gaslighting at Work: 5 Surefire Indicators to Watch Out for

Coercive Control: The Top 5 Signs and How to Escape It

May 14, 2024May 8, 20247 Comments

Do you want to know what coercive control looks like? These are the signs you must watch for if you want to stand against it or make your escape.

Coercive control is harmful as it strips it’s victim of freedom and autonomy. As one who has experienced this in the past, I’m giving you all the signs to look out for. These are characteristics that I and many others have seen firsthand, time and time again.

You will learn the exact indicators so that you can decide early on the best recourse to take your personal power back.

After you learn about all these characteristics of it, you will better be able to take back control of your life and protect yourself from any future coercion.

This post is all about the signs of coercive control that every empathetic person with high integrity should know.

Signs of Coercive control

Before we go further, we must know that coercive control happens in all aspects of life. We most often hear of it running rampant between romantic partners and spouses.

Although true, coercive control also happens in school and on the job as well. Moreover, it is the main ingredient of school and workplace bullying and mobbing.

With that said, the first step in getting out of any controlling situation is to know the signs and what it looks like. Here are the signs.

Coercive control consists of behavior patterns that terrorize, punish, and harm its victims.

1. Ultimatums.

Ultimatums are the number one, most obvious sign of coercive control. They always include threats of some form of loss or harm to the victim. Moreover, they are meant to induce terror in victims and slowly chip away their confidence and self-esteem. Bullies use ultimatums to condition victims that they have no other choice but to obey.

Therefore, the goal of an ultimatum is to force the victim’s hand by threatening to take away something important to them. This could be the loss of a relationship, their home, or their children or family. Also, it could be their jobs or entire careers.

In other words, bullies wield power over their target by threatening the loss or harm to anything or anyone the victim loves or deems important.

Here’s an example. An abusive spouse threatens to take the children if the victim even thinks about leaving them.

Also, we have seem this form of control run rampant in the last five years. An example would be during 2020 and 2021, the height of the you-know-what.

It was, “do this within thirty days or you will no longer have your job.” Or it was, “If you haven’t done that within the next two weeks, we will have the state revoke your business license.”

Ultimatums are so insidious and blatant that there should be no question that they’re hallmarks of coercive control.

If people begin giving you ultimatums, know that they are trying to control you. Whether it’s an abusive partner, toxic boss at work, or bullies at school, you must stand against it.

Therefore, you have two choices, either say no and back it up by refusing their demands, or head for the nearest exit. Either way, you make a choice not to be controlled.

2. Physical Assaults and attacks.

Bodily harm is another one of the most blatant and obvious forms of coercive control. Physical beatings are not only designed to harm the victim, they are also meant to induce intense fear in targets and as a tool for bullies to re-enforce their power and control.

Nobody wants to get brutally beaten. Bullies instinctive know this. Therefore, they use the threat of physical harm to get victims to obey their orders.

Therefore, if physical bullies ever attack you, it’s best to defend yourself. You have every right to do so.

If you can’t defend yourself because of size, lack of strength, or physical ailment, get the police involved. At least have them make out a report.

The law may or may not do anything for you. However, if they make a report and you get a copy of that report, you have a paper trail. Also, you have established a history of abuse on the part of your bullies.

Moreover, you should also document each occurrence of physical abuse, even if it happens only once. Remember that documentation of bullying and abuse is admissible in court because it’s sufficient evidence.

You have a God-given right to be free from harm. Don’t hesitate to assert that right!

3. the signs of Coercive control also include Isolating the victim.

When controlling abusers isolate their victims, they do it deliberately to cut them off from any support they may otherwise receive from others.

For instance, abusive spouses and partners will stop their partners from having anything to do with their family and friends. They will talk trash about the other people that love the partner. Also, they will lay guilt trips on their victim for spending time with family and friends.

They will also claim that the other family members and close friends don’t really love the partner and plant seeds of doubt in their minds about them.

Moreover, bullies at school and in the workplace will use smear campaigns to turn the victims friends against them. They will also do everything they can to prevent the victim from making any new friends.

Even worse, they will go as far as to try to turn the victim’s family members against them too, if they can.

Again, they do this on purpose because their goal is to isolate the victim from support networks. This way, they can better keep their victim under their control.

This is why you must stand firmly against this kind of abuse if it happens to you. And if you can’t stand against it, document everything then leave the environment. Leave the company or the town if you must. But, get away fast!

Next, consult an attorney if you can afford it. Lastly, file suit against them if you have sufficient evidence to do so.

4. They watch you closely.

Bullies and abusers will watch you like a hawk! Abusive partners, school bullies and workplace harassers will stalk you online, going through your social media profiles.

They do this to see if they can find dirt on you to spread around.

Abusive partners will scroll through your phone to see if you are cheating or talking to potential mates. They will also text you to check up on you. They will ask where you are, who you’re with, and when you’re coming home.

Also, they will drive by your house to see who’s car is in your driveway, trying to find out if you have visitors. Moreover, they will also try to find out who those visitors are.

School and workplace bullies will also watch your house to find out the same things. These kinds of people have even been known to go through the victim’s trash. And they do this AFTER they follow them home.

And they usually do this while your garbage can is sitting on the edge of the street waiting for the next day’s garbage pick-up.

If possible, set up a home security system and dash-cam for your vehicle. Record these nosy psychopaths. Remember, stalking and invasion of privacy is illegal and you can press charges. You can also sue the pants off them.

However, you must first gather your evidence and enough of it.

5. coercive control can also come in the form of cutting off any financial support the victim may receive.

This form of coercive control happens mostly in relationships between romantic partners and spouses. And when it does, the abuser often prevents the victim from going to work or getting a job.

Bullying partners do this deliberately to keep the victim dependent solely on them for financial support. Thus, making it more difficult to walk out on them and compelling the victim to stay in the abusive relationship.

Moreover, abusive partners may withhold money from the victim to punish them for a perceived slight. In this, they cause the partner to go without food, shelter, or clothing as a punishment. This keeps the victim in line and gives the abuser continued control.

financial control doesn’t only happen in romantic and spousal relationships.

Although this happens mostly in relationships, school and workplace bullies can also exert this kind of control. For instance, school bullies will take the victim’s lunch money. They also may coerce the victim to hand over the money they brought for school pictures and yearbooks. Realize that this is also a form of financial control.

Workplace bullies may cause the company to demote the target, which usually comes with a huge pay cut. They may also deliberately get the victim terminated.

Also, as if that isn’t enough, workplace bullies will also attempt to blackball the target and prevent them for gaining employment anywhere else. Thus, they prevent their target from supporting themselves or feeding their families.

Understand that this is also financial control because it cuts the target and his/her family from any financial support. I know a few people that have endured this and it took a long battle before they were able to overcome it and finally regain financial stability.

In conclusion, it is better to leave the relationship, however difficult it may be, before it gets this bad. Also document, I can’t repeat this enough! Documenting is crucial!

Also, you must document every instance of bullying in the workplace as well. Then, leave the toxic workplace before your bullies have a chance to get you fired. You’ll know the signs early on if you pay attention.

This post was all about the top signs of coercive control to help you to know when it’s time to plan your escape and get out from under it.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. How to Respond to DARVO: 7 Powerful Ways to Shut it Down

3. Signs of Toxic People: 5 Tell-Tale Indicators

How You Regain Your Power

June 9, 20228 Comments

You regain your power by changing your mindset. Realize that a victim mentality only breeds a funky attitude.

I may have been a target, but I was never a victim. I thought I was during the entire time I was bullied and for a while after it was over. Understand that a victim mentality, when taken to extremes, serves no purpose. It only breeds laziness and entitlement. You feel that the world owes you something. It doesn’t.

I had the same attitude and it got me nowhere!

Also, if you hold on to it and let it define you, you’ll only attract more bullies and abusers in your life. We are what we think, and the universe will provide more of the stuff that matches our thoughts.

That is why it’s so important that you shed this mentality of defeat. Only then will you re-empower yourself and win true peace and happiness!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Bullies Who Think They Can Predict Your Downfall

May 13, 202222 Comments

Bullies are notorious for playing fortuneteller to their targets. They laugh at your goals and dreams. They try to derail and sabotage your progress. And they do it because they’re so darned insecure in themselves. Why do you think bullies work so hard at bringing others down?

Realize that all this is very telling about the bullies’ own lives. In many cases, you’ll have the smart kid in your class who always makes straight A’s and makes high remarks and he’s targeted by bullies.

There’s also the girl who can sing like a professional, the boy who wins all the awards, the girl who writes the most beautiful poems and interesting stories, the guy who always gets the promotions at work, or the woman who always gets noticed by potential suitors.

One thing they all have in common is that they’re the ones bullies come for to make their lives as miserable as possible.

In school, I could sing, and the music teacher would pick me to sing solos in the school choir. I also write stories and poems back then and I cannot count the times my bullies told me:

“You’ll never make it in the music business.”

“You’ll never publish any books.”

“No book publisher will ever choose any of your lame stories.”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

“You’ll never be anybody.”

“You’ll never get married.”

“You’ll never have children.”

“You’ll never be worth a damn.”

And the list goes on…

And each time I’d hear garbage like this from my bullies, I’d think of the sounds I’d hear every time I’d watch Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang and see them talking to an adult, whether it be their parents, or a teacher in class.

toxic brainwashing

I would think, “Wa-wa-w-wa-wa-waaaaaa.” That’s how little I valued their words when it came to things I enjoyed doing and my dreams and goals.

With bullies, it’s always the same old you’ll never this and you’ll never that. But, here’s the thing. People who haven’t accomplished much themselves will always try to drag you down when they think you’re striving for something. And because they haven’t tasted success, they don’t believe that anyone else will (or should) either.

Understand that when bullies predict your failures, they only reveal all their failures and disappointments. That’s right! They’re speaking from their own perspectives. Anytime they tell you that you’ll never succeed at anything, it’s because they’ve never succeeded at anything and likely never will.

What these bullies are also telling you is that they’re afraid that you will succeed and make them feel even more like the losers they are. Realize that your bullies are trying to wreck your optimism, kill your confidence, and crush your self-esteem. And they want to do it before you end up winning at something.

Bullies want you to fail and they want it so badly they can almost taste it. Because, if you do reach success, your win will only reflect back to them their own laziness, failure, and mediocrity. Therefore, they relentlessly try to drum their words of doom into your head to condition you to not even bother to try. Because they know that not trying only ensures failure. In trying to condition you to not try, they’re only trying to ensure your failure.

That’s why it’s imperative that you turn a deaf ear to your bullies’ bogus predictions of your future because they can’t possibly know what their own futures entail, much less yours. You must not allow them to discourage you and cause you to lose sight of your goals and dreams.

Let the trash they talk go in one ear and out the other. Tell them, “That’s your opinion” and laugh at them or maybe scoff and give your bullies a scornful eye-roll. Then turn your back to them and walk away snickering. Look on your bullies with scorn when they try to predict your outcomes because they only do it out of ignorance and stupidity.

Do these things because it’s the only way you’ll keep your power and continue to feel confident. Your self-esteem will thank you for it later!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

What’s the Difference between Bitterness and Acknowledgement of Past Victimization?

May 11, 202213 Comments

Telling you to “get over it” is typical of bullies. The reason they tell you this is to shame and to silence you. In telling you to “let it go,” bullies make you out to be unstable or a drama-filled person who carries a grudge and can’t leave the past behind.

I don’t hate my classmates. I thank them. Because if it weren’t for my classmates, I might have never found my niche and the thing I enjoy doing the most. In their torment of me all those years ago, they inspired me to become a champion for the bullied, an author of 4 books, and a blogger whose niche is bullying. So, I thank them from the bottom of my heart. In truth, I can never thank them enough.

Here’s the thing. There’s a difference between holding a grudge and accepting that you suffered abuse. You can acknowledge what happened without holding onto bitterness and hate.

Grudges, bitterness, and hate – unhealthy

Grudges are unhealthy. A person who carries a grudge has anger, resentment, and hate boiling inside them and will often seek revenge. A grudge-holder handles any past victimhood he suffered in very destructive ways.

People who hold grudges only let the past hold them back from growing, from enjoying new friendships and relationships with others, and from success. Because a grudge holder carries so much anger and bitterness, they only repel people who would be potential friends and partners. They only attract more negativity and adversity into their lives.

Acknowledgment of Past Victimization – healthy

On the other hand, acknowledging or accepting prior victimization and how it hurt you is one of the healthiest things you can do. The person who does this doesn’t hold a grudge and doesn’t hate the people who abused her. She only feels sorry for them.

Survivors who accept the past realize that there can be valuable lessons learned from being a past target of bullying and abuse and often use it as their rocket fuel. Like I have done, they do years of research into bullying and into bullies’ mindsets and the victims they select. They consistently search for answers as to why bullies bully, what bullies look for in victims, and much, much more.

They then speak out about their experiences and the pain they suffered to bring awareness to the world- consciousness that, yes, such evil does exist. A former victim who accepts the past freely talks of and spreads awareness of bullying and abuse only grows and acquires wisdom. She then uses that wisdom to reach out to others who endure the same or prevent others from experiencing the same pain.

You would be surprised how rewarding this is to a survivor. Through using past pain for good, many survivors have achieved healing and gotten closure. Also, these people often make fulfilling and life-long friendships and connections through their work toward their cause.

Expect your old tormentors to come for you if you raise awareness.

Sadly though, it’s easy to get these two things confused. Former classmates from school have accused me of being bitter and full of hate. They have blasted me for having the gall to speak out and write about the brutality and the vile and downright devilish behavior they displayed years ago. Luckily, I see right through them.

‘You see? Even years after the fact, abusers despise it when you take the pain they caused you in the past and turn it into something that can help people. And when you take something that was meant to defeat you and turn it into something that helps others and only makes you stronger, oh man, do they hate that!

All that time, they tried to tear you down! All that combined effort! And still! You didn’t drown! You only took it and turned it into something positive, and all that work they put forth to bury you ended up wasted! Understand that bullies become furious when they realize they weren’t able to destroy you.

Anytime you speak out about any past abuse you suffered, it should be not only accepted but expected that your old tormentors will come for you, telling you to get over it. Not only are they angry at you because you didn’t crash and burn, but they’re also very much afraid that you’ll expose them somehow or that you’ll succeed. Don’t take it personally.

Instead, take it as confirmation of their guilt- as proof that they were and still are the ones who have the problem. When old bullies bash you for speaking out, they only out themselves. Don’t let them silence you, nor allow them to stop you from reaching out to those who need to hear your story because you might end up saving a life!

Turn your pain into power! Be a friend and advocate for the bullied!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

8 Things Bullies Will Tell Others When the Target Puts Their Foot Down

April 16, 202216 Comments

Any time a target gets tired of the abuse and calls a bully’s bluff. The bully will more than likely justify their behavior to others. Here is a list of the most famous statements you’re likely to hear, from most popular to least.

1. “She’s crazy.” or “She’s unstable.”

2. “He’s just mad because I called him out!”

3. “She’s so fake.”

4. “She’s too sensitive.” “She’s overreacting.”

5. “He’s a crybaby.”

6. “She doesn’t want to admit when she’s wrong.”

7. “I was just trying to help you.”

8. “She’s just jealous of me because of…”

Always listen to your gut feeling- it will always tell you the truth. If something doesn’t feel good, your gut will tell you. Remember that the sensations of the body never lie. You should expect bullies to act this way when you finally assert yourself; it only goes to show what kinds of people they are- and who you should avoid.

With knowledge comes empowerment!