‘Ever wondered why you have a fear of setting boundaries? Do you want to know what you can do about it? Here’s why you’re afraid to stick up for yourself and ways you can turn it around.
Many victims of bullying have a fear of setting boundaries. Why, because bullies have taken their confidence, self-esteem and personal power.
This is heartbreaking because when you’re too afraid to set boundaries, your human rights go out the window. Moreover, it makes for a miserable existence because you’re at the mercy of other people’s whims.
Therefore, in this post, you will learn why you have such a fear of setting boundaries and what you can do to change it and get your life back.
Once you learn all the reasons, you will be more compelled to squash that fear and begin acting and speaking in your own behalf. In that, you’ll eventually take back your autonomy and freedom.
This post is all about the fear of setting boundaries, why you have it, and what you can do to change it so that you can finally take back control of your life!
Fear of Setting Boundaries
All too often, victims of bullying have a hard time setting boundaries. Many just keep their mouths shut, grin and bear it while others wipe their feet all over them.
Therefore, they suffer in silence and obscurity, which only further damages their mental health. If being used as a rug hurts so much, why do they allow it to continue?
There are several reasons:
1. You don’t have the confidence.
Many targets of bullying, like you, feel helpless and simply think it wouldn’t do them any good. Therefore, they see no point in speaking up because they know that they’ll likely get bullied worse for it.
Remember that bullying, like any other form of abuse, thrives on your silence. Therefore, it takes confidence to set boundaries, which, sadly, is something few bullying victims have.
Also, as we know, bullies don’t respect boundaries because they don’t acknowledge them. In their minds, you’re a victim.
To them, you have no rights and deserve no human dignity. Bullies don’t see you as a human being, deserving of the same human rights as everyone else. That’s a fact.
Therefore, they feel they have carte blanche to abuse you and expect you to stay quiet about it. However, don’t be afraid to speak out in your behalf. Even more importantly, don’t fear standing up to the bullies.
Understand that you have just as much of a right as anyone else to defend yourself and to ensure your own safety. So, don’t wait on anyone else to help you. Protecting yourself from harm is your responsibility.
2. Fear of Setting Boundaries:
You feel powerless to stop the abuse.
Again, setting boundaries is anything but easy- it’s one of the hardest things to do after people have bullied you for so long. Why?
Because they’ve brainwashed you into thinking you’re to blame for their horrid behavior.
Many victims have been abused for so long that they’ve “gotten used to it.” In other words, bullies and their sycophants have conditioned the targets to take the abuse and allow them to ride roughshod over them.
Moreover, many times, targets have been fooled into believing that setting boundaries is selfish.
This is why you cave in to the bullies’ demands. You may feel it’s safer just to give them what they want and pacify them.
3. You fear the bullies will retaliate.
This is understandable. Bullies can put the fear of God in you if you don’t know your rights.
Therefore, if you’re a target of bullying, you may badly want to tell your abusers to knock it off. You may want to tell them to get the hell away from you and stay away. You may even want to fight back, but you don’t know how they may react.
Another thing you don’t know is whether they’ll accept your boundaries, nor if they’ll want to accept them. Moreover, you know that there’s a chance the bullies may act violently toward you for having the chutzpah to speak against their abuse.
Bullies despise even a hint of opposition because they see it as your challenging their power and perceived authority. Therefore, they’ll do whatever they can to tighten their grip if they suspect you’re defying them. And sometimes, things get dangerous, and you must do it scared.
However, what you may not realize is this. When you set boundaries, you enact your autonomy and speak from a place of self-care and self-love. You decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Therefore, you take your power back.
4. Fear of Setting Boundaries:
You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve the abuse.
If you’ve been bullied for a long time, your bullies may have gaslighted you into believing that you somehow deserve the abuse. However, let me assure you. You don’t!
No matter how they blame you for their behavior, I repeat, you do not deserve to be bullied. And I say this with full conviction!
Therefore, realize that bullies know that what they’re doing is wrong. They have to know it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t demand that you stay silent about the abuse. Moreover, they wouldn’t work so damn hard to convince you that you did something to make them behave the way they do.
They also wouldn’t spend the time searching for any justification for their bullying. And they wouldn’t constantly go around spreading falsehoods about you to everyone who’ll listen.
Remember, bullying takes a lot of work. In other words, bullies must work hard to maintain their phony facades and cover up their lies and abuse. Moreover, they must also work hard to keep you powerless.
5. You Fear Physical Retaliation.
I understand the intense fear of getting beat up. No one looks forward to being attacked on the playground, in the bathroom, or in the company parking lot.
However, if your bullies have threatened physical violence for defending yourself, then you must be willing to fight and not back down.
In other words, you either face your fear and fight back or continue being scared and living under the thumb of bullies.
The choice is yours. And you never know. If you fight back, you just might beat the living snot out of your bully and stop them from messing with you. It’s amazing what you can do when you’re in a survival situation!
Fear of Setting Boundaries:
Before you’re able to stand up for yourself, you must be clear of what you will not accept.
Again, it takes confidence to stand up to a bully. It would be best if you also gave up your old self-protective behaviors. In other words, stop the defense mechanisms you tried in the past that failed.
Why? Because these defense mechanisms are ways your bullies and a few other abusers in your life have conditioned you to respond.
So, what behaviors are we referring too here? In other words, what defense mechanism do you need to stop doing?
- You must stop over-apologizing.
- You must stop trying to explain yourself to anyone.
- Stop trying to figure out what made the bullies so hostile.
- Stop wondering what you did wrong.
- You must stop wondering if something’s wrong with you.
- You must stop asking, “why me.”
Before you can stand up to abuse, you must squash the mentality that compels you to use any of the ineffective measures above.
You must understand that all the why me, why this, why that, gets you nowhere. And all the wracking your brains wondering and trying to figure out what’s wrong also serves no purpose. It’s a complete waste of time and only makes you feel worse.
Instead, be real with yourself and conclude that your bullies are just a bunch of ignorant, moronic jackasses who lack character and live fake existences. Also, you must learn to trust yourself, which includes trusting your body and how it feels.
Moreover, trust everything you see, hear, feel, sense, and the vibes you pick up from the people around you. And finally, trust your decisions. And realize that, sometimes, it takes dogged determination to defend yourself from bullies.
In other words,
- Even if your bullies rationalize and justify their behavior, you won’t take their crap.
- Though they may blame you for their despicable behavior, you won’t take it.
- Even if they tell you that you’re cr4zy or mentally imbalanced, you won’t accept their bullshit.
- Though they call you a bitch, an asshole, or any other degrading name, you won’t put up with it.
- Even if you made a mistake and your bullies call it out in an abusive manner, you won’t take it.
- And, for the love of Pete! If the bullies commit physical violence, you definitely won’t take that! Put up those dukes and throw down if you need to! Or, if you must, get the police involved, file charges, and sue for any damages!
Fear of Setting Boundaries:
Understand that it’ll take calling your bullies out every single time they cross the line.
You can say:
- “Stop it!”
- “Cut it out!”
- “Knock it off!”
- “Get away from me!”
- “Get out!”
You get power just by loudly giving either one of these commands. And who knows? I’m not making any guarantees here, but you might shock your bullies back to reality and make them leave you alone.
There were times when I was pleasantly surprised, and it worked for me.
You do not have to walk on eggshells around anyone! Know that you do have a choice and a voice. You can choose not to accept the bullies’ behavior. And, if nothing else, know this!
You have more power than you know. Fear is thinking you don’t have the power you actually do have.
So, stick to your guns and hold your ground!
This post was all about the reasons for your fear of setting boundaries and what you can do to squelch your fear and take back your power and your life.
Related posts you’ll enjoy:
1. Lack of Boundaries: 15 Signs You Need to Get Some
2. Physical Bullying: Should You Hit Back?
3. Enforcing Personal Boundaries: 7 Powerful Strategies
4. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground
5. How to Have Self-Respect: 7 Powerful Ways to Treat Yourself Well
More great advice I wish I had half a century ago.
Thank you so much, Michael!
This is such an important post. I look back and I think a few things are at work. One, I think you feel very alone when bullied like you are the only one picked upon. Because so many bullies have their followers, who even when they know it is wrong, they still follow because they don’t want the bully to start picking on them. I have even known people who were bullied to start bullying others who were further down the “pecking order” just to have a higher ranking. I know it is sad.
Also, I don’t think this gets talked about enough but you do and no I am not advocating violence but you have to stand up for yourself even physically. Growing up, I had in my head that I wasn’t much of a fighter, I thought I would lose. But you know, I actually never got into a physical fight so I look back now and who knows. And the thing is most bullies are cowards at heart. A lot of times they will back down if you confront them but if you do lose, people expected it and if you hold your own or flat out win, then they lose their power. You have nothing to lose and you actually gain the respect of those who wouldn’t stand up to them.
Lastly, I think online has opened a new line of bullying because everyone is potentially a victim because any person can hide behind a keyboard and tell lies about another person. And when we see someone bullied online, we need to all jump in and stand up for that person.
1. You made some great points here, S. In fact, that’s EXACTLY why most bystanders don’t get involved. Because they don’t want to become the next target.
2. And yes, bullies DO bully to achieve higher social status.
3. Sadly, some victims do become bullies just to feel powerful again and to get the negative spotlight off them. Sometimes it works but most of the time it doesn’t.
4. Yes, the only way to deal with physical bullies is to beat the living daylights out of them. Why? Because they only understand brute strength.
5. Cyberbullying, yes, is a reality now.
Thank you so much for your comment.
Great post here! Here is what I think the issue is. The bullied often feels isolated and they are the only one (most of the time a true bully is bullying more than one person). I think there needs to be more discussion about those that feel like outsiders, making friendships and bonds with others who feel the same. I can even remember in school there being the guys who sat around and played stuff like Dungeons and Dragons instead of doing things like say play sports. They were a tight knit group but not considered the “cool” kids. And there were the girls who maybe didn’t wear much makeup or were the goth girls. Once again, treated like outsiders but they were a tight knit group. It is about finding your place. I also think about the movie “Never Been Kissed.”
Fighting back, it is one of those deals where sometimes you have to go against what a Principal, teacher, maybe even your parents say because no one else is in your shoes. I think about the song, “The Coward of the County” by Kenny Rogers. To be frank, I kind of underestimated myself growing up. I was never a super athletic kid. I wasn’t terrible but definitely not a star and my siblings were better fighters than me. And I kind of would withdraw if someone yelled at me or whatever. Then as an adult, something interested happened. While I wasn’t super athletic, I tried to take care of myself and stay in shape so I found that if I played adult sports I would surprise myself and do okay. It may have been because I tried to never let myself go too much or whatever but I hung in there and I don’t know if you have ever competed with any other adult in anything physical or anything but I found I could hold my own fairly well whether it was playing ball, arm wrestling, whatever and I was like maybe I am tougher than I think. I realize now that though I wasn’t some great athlete or powerhouse, I was always more capable than I thought but my mindset was probably my shortcoming. Not all big or tall people are strong, not all small or short people are weak. Not all men are tough, not all women are weaklings. It comes down to each individual.
This is great, Bradley! I’m so glad you discovered that you have more power than you knew you had, which, is true in every case of bullying. Power you don’t know you have IS power you don’t have. And I think that victims absolutely SHOULD befriend other victims. In fact, I recommend this in a few of my other posts.
Thank you so much for this comment! You make some great points!