Targets of bullying often get accused of being selfish and out for their own interests. However, anytime we are hurting so badly, the pain only blunts our capacity to feel for others.
Anytime a person suffers severe and relentless bullying for so long, their pain overrides any ability to empathize with those around them, who may also be hurting.
It’s like lying in the emergency room with both legs broken after a car accident. The pain is so intense that you could care less about the patient in the next room. All you’re thinking of is how soon a doctor will see you and order a pain reliever.
I tell you this because it happened to me. When I was a target of bullying in school, two girls in my class died in a horrific car crash during the eleventh grade, and as much as I hate admitting it today, I could not have cared less about it back then.
Naturally, I don’t feel the same today. Now, thirty years later, I’m sorry that happened to them, but at the time it happened, I had absolutely no feeling for the girls and even had the attitude that it had served them right and that maybe I’d get lucky and a few more bullies would drop dead soon.
I had been a target of the class for so long I just did not have it in me to care.
After a person endures bullying for so long, he/she becomes cold and unfeeling toward other people if they aren’t careful, and it will only bring about resentment from people who might otherwise offer love and support.
If you are a target of bullying in school or at work, never let it take away your empathy, kindness, and humanity. It won’t be easy, but there are ways to buffer your self-esteem from the effects of bullying and hold on to your sweetness.
Humiliation, unlike embarrassment or shame, leaves a mark on the person who suffers it, and the stigma surrounding the person can follow them for the rest of their lives. Why? Because people who’ve been publicly humiliated are always thought of and remembered for their humiliation. Think, Harvey Weinstein and the sex scandals which broke a few years ago.
Although ol’ Harvey’s humiliation is well-deserved, not so for victims of bullying. Innocent victims are often humiliated by their bullies and stuck in an uncomfortable and degrading position while others gather around excitedly to taunt and abuse them.
Humiliation has been used down through the ages. Tarring and feathering was a technique used in the Old West, which involved covering people with hot tar and feathers and parading them through the crowded streets on a horse-drawn cart. Think of Chuck Connors’ character, Jason McCord, in the old western series, “Branded.”
To humiliate someone is to assert power over them by denying and destroying their personal dignity. Throughout history, humiliation has been the most common and effective means of punishment, abuse, and oppression. It’s not the threat of imprisonment or even death that is a deterrent of crime; it is the dread of humiliation.
It’s a fact! People fear losing face worse than they do a violent death!
Humiliation is also used to maintain a social hierarchy and to emphasize that the group, alumni, organization, or community as a whole supersedes the individual. It is designed to defuse any threat to a particular order or someone’s esteemed position.
Think of today’s cancel culture.
In student hierarchies in schools, bullies at the top of the pecking order go to great lengths to protect their often ill-gotten status and uphold their positions. At the same time, the other kids are forced to submit to different kinds of debasement. And it’s the same in the workplace too.
Anytime a target of bullying defends himself against harassment and abuse, the bullies will often use humiliation to retaliate and subdue the victim by way of jokes, pranks, or setting the target up to get in trouble with the staff or a horrific beating by other kids. Bullies at the top will also spread vicious rumors and lies against their object.
Most forms of humiliation involve invading the victim’s privacy and sneakily taking videos of him/her in compromising positions.
Example 1:
A targeted girl is taking a shower in the locker room or undressing in the privacy of her bedroom, and the bullies hide behind a corner or just outside her bedroom window at night and take videos of her with their smartphones. They then spread the videos to other classmates. Or worse, a girl naively sends her boyfriend a nude selfie. They break up. He then shares it on social media, and the photo goes viral!
Humiliation and exile. A crowd of people chases a sad person.
Example 2:
A targeted boy is standing in front of a urinal using the bathroom, and a bully hides in the stall next to him, peering through the crack and the camera lens on his smartphone, taking videos of his manly areas. He then sends the video to all his buddies, and they laugh and joke about how small, crooked his package is (or it could be the mole, anything different about it). Remember the suicides of Tyler Clementi and Amanda Todd and the circumstances surrounding each case.
Example 3: A bright worker is set up to fail in the workplace. And when he does, it follows him the rest of his working life.
Humiliation is horrible for anyone. It is so devastating that it involves negative things with which the victim will always be associated, and there will be no getting away from it! Embarrassment and shame are only temporary. Humiliation, however, can follow a person for the rest of their lives!
So, if you are a victim of bullying, protect yourself. Also, I cannot stress this advice enough! No matter how much your boyfriend/girlfriend may claim he/she loves you! No matter how much the person begs and pleads for you to do it, nor what they threaten you with if you don’t! Never, ever, ever let anyone talk you into sending a nude pic! Ever!
And if anyone ever films you in an indecent position without you knowing it, know that what they did is against the law! Speak out about it and file criminal charges and a civil suit for damages!
The more you know, the better you protect yourself!
You’re brought in for a talk with the boss after an incident has been raised. Then you finish the meeting and come out of your boss’ office feeling darned good about yourself. You’ll also notice the boss smiling at you and the other person looking stressed and withdrawn. You’ll notice that the other person is increasingly isolated while things are looking better and better for you. Your supervisor or manager will drop by from time to time and chat you up.
You’re about to be mobbed if:
The boss doesn’t drop by to chat you up in an openly friendly way or doesn’t invite you into his office with a smile in the wake of an incident. Instead, the boss will begin to avoid you like a bad disease!
Also, you coworkers will go out of their way to track you down and pump you for information. They’ll only fake interest and support in what you have to say. They may call you at home or come by your house, feigning support and empathy and peppering it with questions. But it isn’t long before they begin avoiding you, gossiping about you and defaming you.
You must recognize these signs. Only then will you be able to take appropriate action and ward off a potential termination, marring of your good name, and derailment of your career!
As quoted in the old G.I. Joe cartoon years ago, “knowing is half the battle!”
Often, when we are simply being selective of those we keep company with, others will accuse us of being judgmental or passing judgment and it can be difficult to defend against this if you don’t know how to tell the difference. So, what is the difference between passing judgment and being selective?
Here are your answers:
1. Passing judgement. You pass judgment on someone by excluding and bullying them for any reasons that are petty and without any evidence that suggests that the person isn’t safe to be around. For example, you judge them based on race, sex, weight, height, or orientation. You may also judge them based on the kinds of clothes they wear, how they look, or based on the nasty rumors you have heard from others about them, instead of judging them based on their character or the behavior and actions you’ve personally seen from them. In other words, you convict the person before having the time to get to know them, even though your gut is telling you the person is harmless.
2. Being selective. When you are being selective, on the other hand, you know without a shadow of a doubt that the person is abusive, toxic, and no good to be around. You have evidence that the person is unhealthy to be around because you have witnessed firsthand their crappy behavior, the terrible way they treat others, and the nasty attitude they have. No sane person wants to be around toxic people and with good reason. Also, your gut will tell you a lot about a person and you’ll feel the icky vibes they exude. So, you should never ignore it!
Being judgmental isn’t healthy nor smart because we rush to judgment on people we don’t really know. As a result, we may miss out on people who could be great friends, allies, and who could bring a lot of good to the world.
Being selective is healthy and the smart thing to do because, in being selective of the people we associate with, we base our judgment on what we know and witness in content of character and behavior. Therefore, we ensure our safety from those who may wish to harm us.
gavel and soundblock of justice law and lawyer working on wooden desk background
If you’re a target and you feel that life just isn’t fair and that bullies never get the justice they deserve, here’s hope. Bullies do eventually get their comeuppance, and often, the payback comes through their own children.
I have found that several of my bullies from school have gone on to become criminals, and the children they had either during high school or after were born mostly out of wedlock.
I don’t judge anyone who becomes a single parent, nor do I glory in the misfortunes of others. I’m mentioning a few truths to establish a typical pattern of most school bullies and what many of them become later.
Interior of cell block in abandoned State Correctional Institution, or jail., common room with jail cells.
Many of my school bullies had babies during high school, and now these children are adults. For many years, I’ve avidly read the newspaper and seen many of my former bullies’ mugshots. Now I see the mugshots of their now-adult children and read the public list of indictments, usually located on the second or third page of the county’s newspaper.
Many of my school bullies have been to prison or jail, and now their children are following in their footsteps, being charged or convicted of crimes ranging from assault and drug-charges to armed robbery and murder. One of my old school harassers, along with her adult son, has recently been charged with abuse and neglect of a vulnerable, elderly adult and theft of over $60,000.
The son of another girl who bullied me in middle school is charged with kidnapping, shooting, and killing a pregnant woman in cold blood two summers ago and is now serving a life sentence. Even more ridiculous is that the mother is talking her murdering son up, saying, “He’s really a good boy. He’s just…”, making all kinds of lame excuses for him.
She and a few others are even calling for the authorities to “Free” him. “Free So-and-so!” (I won’t mention anyone’s name here) “Free So-and-so!” is what people hear from her.
Remember that bullies are self-entitled morons who think that you and the rest of the world owe them. They believe that rules and laws do not apply to them (or their offspring).
Handcuffed hands of a prisoner behind the bars of a prison with orange clothes – Crispy desaturated dramatic filtered look
They are willing to lie, cheat, browbeat, threaten, rob, and even murder their way through life and get what they want. They also teach their children to steamroll over others, and sadly, this is what you get…a new generation of budding criminals, prison-rats, and jailbirds.
Understand that bullies may be having their heyday now. High school may be their kingdoms. But once they are out of school, their kingdoms will crumble and fall. They will find out (the hard way) that the real world doesn’t care about them or their self-perceived status. Bullies may think they’re superior, but they’re in for a very rude awakening.
Bullies may think (or attempt to make everyone else think) that they’re invincible and indestructible but rest assured that there will come a day when they will be given a generous dose of Karma. And that Karma will either visit them or worse…their perfect little darlings.
Then you will have the opportunity to see just how small, insignificant, and irrelevant those bullies really are. At the same time, you get to enjoy life’s goody-bag of a loving family, a great career, and much success!
Stay strong! Be patient! Your reward and your justice are coming! Mine did!
I remember sitting in class one morning and overhearing my bullies and others degrade and threaten a girl named “Jenny”, someone I had never met but who was, according to the talkers, in our age group.
She didn’t go to our school, so I figured she was a girl they knew who went to a different school.
They would call Jenny the foulest of names and tell each other aloud what they would love to do to her, and what they would do if they didn’t think they’d be held accountable.
As I listened to their conversation, I began to feel bad for this poor mystery girl.
Certain classmates would say things like,
“Jenny is so fake!”
“Jenny is such a little whore!”
“That Jenny is such a disgusting skank! I want so badly just to kill her!”
“If I thought I wouldn’t go to jail, I’d cut her throat and leave her in a ditch to die! She doesn’t deserve to breathe!”
“I’d cut her heart out and feed it to her!”
“Maybe we should put arsenic in her lunch; maybe we could do it like that!”
These kids were making very detailed comments which were nothing short of sick and demented, and it frightened me for this Jenny girl. My first instinct was to find out who she was and warn her about those monsters!
Much to my horror, I later learned from another source that this girl, Jenny, was really me they were discussing, and it shook me to my very core!
“Jenny” was only a code name. It was one thing to have others dislike you and not want to be around you, but, in my young mind, it was worse to think they wanted me dead.
This would be terrifying to anyone, more so to a teenage girl. Fortunately, I changed schools shortly after, and things took a complete turn for the better.
Know that bullies are slick and sometimes, they will talk in code if their target is anywhere nearby. If you hear anyone talking that way about not only you but anyone, avoid them and keep as far away from them as you can, if possible. Because if they’d talk about another human being this way, it goes to show that their minds are not in a good place.
Understand that when you avoid harmful and hurtful people, it is not because you are “chicken,” but because you are smart enough to avoid drama and negativity.
Sadly, when you are the object of bullies, the only person you have in your corner is you!
If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will! Therefore, it is up to you to do whatever it is that you have to do (within legal limits, of course) to ensure your safety and peace of mind.
One of my readers suggested that I do a piece on spousal bullying, and I apologize for the length of this post. Because there’s much to cover on this subject, I did my best to cover everything as concisely as possible.
Whether you call it domestic abuse or spousal abuse, it is still a form of bullying, only the bullying takes place in the home against a significant other. The reason this is a form of bullying is because there is a clear power imbalance between the abuser and the target and the attacks, whether physical, verbal, or psychological, are repetitive. They become a pattern, and are ongoing over a period of months, years, or decades.
The bully in the home, (or domestic abuser) abuses the target verbally, emotionally, and/or physically to assert power and dominance and keep them from gaining or maintaining their independence, defending themselves, or leaving the relationship.
The bully feels he/she must use intimidation and force to keep their partner in line because they are life losers who have no social intelligence and no redeeming qualities. Somewhere along the way, they’ve been taught through experience that being a loving partner, calming talking out any issues, or seduction and soft persuasion are either signs of weakness, or doesn’t work.
But the reality is that they never learned how to love. They never learned social skills and how to use positive re-enforcement. Also, they never mastered the art of charm or soft persuasion. So, the only thing these poor souls have left in their toolbox is the use of intimation, force, and violence.
Here are ways that domestic bullies keep control and dominance over their partners:
1. Verbal abuse. If you have a partner that subtly puts you down through jokes or offhand comments, it is still verbal abuse, only you are in the early stages of it. But understand that this stage is the safest time to leave and the longer you stay in the relationship, the more danger you will be in when you finally do walk away.
Know that you deserve to live a peaceful life on your own for a while. And when the time comes, you deserve a partner who respects you and treats you with love. You owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship before it gets any worse.
Anyone who screams, yells, curses you, or calls you degrading names does not love you but only wants to control you and run your life. They may claim they love you but actions speak louder than words..
Again, you must find a path of escape and disappear because verbal bullying tends to turn physical if not dealt with. Do what you must do to get yourself to safety. I realize that it’s hard to leave someone you love, but if your partner doesn’t love you enough to treat you with respect and ensure your safety, you’re better off alone where you can live in peace and make room for someone who truly loves you and treats you with the respect you deserve.
2. Physical abuse. Nobody wants to be physically beaten and many people will submit to a bully just to keep from getting hurt. However, submission only provides physical safety in the short term. Bullies/abusers always come back for more. Again, any form of bullying and abuse will escalate if it’s not addressed properly.
Like school bullying, workplace bullying, and neighborhood bullying, spousal or domestic bullying can very quickly become a pattern and escalate because the bully grows comfortable with abusing their target. Bullies and abusers are notorious for pushing the envelope. In other words, when they get bored with verbal abuse, they will begin to commit “borderline physical abuse,” which is shoving or tripping. Next, they’ll up the ante to “blatant physical abuse” through punching, choking, kicking and progress on to severe beatings until it finally ends in murder.
If you are being physically abused, it’s imperative that you call police and a battered partner’s shelter and get help. Find a way to get out of the relationship. The last thing you want is to end up dead and any children you have (if you have any) to become orphaned.
3. Controlling the purse strings. Domestic abusers/Spousal bullies are notorious for keeping a tight fist on any household income. They refuse to give their partners any money or allow them to go to work and make their own money. If the abused partner happens to have a job, the bully/abuser will demand that they give them the money, or they force them to quit their jobs.
Understand that the reason these bullies are so stingy with the money is because they want to control you and they know that having your own money brings freedom and independence. The last thing the abuser wants is for you to have enough money to find an apartment somewhere and skip out on them one day while they’re at work. What better way is there to keep you stuck in the relationship than to keep you broke?
4. Isolating you from family and friends. Spousal bullies (or domestic abusers) do this to cut you off from any support you might receive from outside the relationship. Understand that the bully is very much afraid that you might speak up about the abuse and that your family and friends might advise you to drop them. And gasp! You just might take their advice!
So, they cut you off from your support system and keep you all to themselves to abuse and degrade at will. Again, you must find a way to get away from this person…fast!
5. Using any children you have together as leverage. Many spousal bullies will threaten to take the children and never allow the abused partner to see the kids again. I’ve heard and read many stories like this. Domestic abusers/spousal bullies use the love you have for your children to intimidate you into staying with them and letting them continue the abuse. But understand that when an abusive partner does this, he/she doesn’t really love the children nor want what’s best for them. They only use the poor kids as pawns in a very dangerous game.
I cannot stress enough that, if you want to protect yourself and your children, you must find a way to leave the relationship and get legal and financial help. Because not only will you be in danger, but your children will too. Also, your children can end up with long-term emotional trauma if you don’t take them and get away. So, please. I beg you. Get your ducks in a row and leave this person, not only for your own safety, but for that of your precious children.
Understand that anyone who must bully and abuse their partner is highly insecure in the relationship. They are the weak ones. They are the cowards. If you are the target in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that none of it is your fault. Realize that it’s not your responsibility to fix this person. Know that you owe it to yourself, your children, and your family and friends to find a way out of the relationship so that you can lead a better, happier, and more productive life, and so that your children, family, and friends do not risk losing a loved one to murder.
Know that you’re worth it and you deserve to be free of your abusive partner and lead a life of peace and safety!
If you’ve suffered spousal bullying (domestic abuse), please feel free to tell your story in the comment section below. Also, if I’ve left anything out, let me know in the comments.
Why? Because liking of any person or thing is always subjective, and no two people have the exact likes, dislikes, tastes, or opinions. Know that there will always be those who do not like you and be okay with it because it bears no reflection on you. We all move in different circles and directions.
It’s just how life works and how we were made.
Continue to love and embrace yourself as the person God created you to be. Continue to enjoy the friends and loved ones you do have and never mind the people you don’t have. They aren’t important.
Embrace your differences because no two people are the same. Accept every flaw and quirk you have. Accept no one’s ignorant, cookie-cutter version of what you should be. You are enough!
Imagine how utterly and downright boring life would be if we were all the same. Imagine a world full of white people, black people, or Hispanics- a world full of people with blonde hair and blue eyes or dark hair and dark eyes- a world full of skinny people…or overweight people- or if everyone had the same tastes opinions or beliefs!
It would be like living in a town where all diners were pizza parlors and served pizza but nothing else. Yuck! I love pizza, but I wouldn’t want to eat that every day!
So love being different. Know that there are people who love you and are begging to spend time with you. And above all else, know that God loves you. You will be alright.
Bullies may not have anything on you. Therefore, they must search. Oh, yes! Bullies have to search for dirt. They must look hard for something to get angry at you about. Bullies are on a constant hunt for things that are possibly wrong with you, and believe me. They’re like hounds sniffing a trail.
Bullies will search- and search- and search! They will hunt for anything, no matter how trivial and no matter how minute or tiny the flaw. Then when they find it, they will blow it up- make a big deal of it.
So, understand that bullies are always on the prowl for dirt, controversy, and scandal. And if they can’t find anything, don’t think they won’t invent something.
If bullies select you as their target, they will go over everything about you with a fine-toothed comb.
1.They will scan every word that comes out of your mouth for the slightest hint of sarcasm, stupidity, slowness of mind – anything they can take offense to, be annoyed with, pick apart, or twist to suit a vicious narrative.
2. They look you up and down, then back up. Bullies search your face for the slightest blemish and smallest mole, pimple, or birthmark. They scan the clothes you wear to see if they’re old hand-me-downs or if they’re brand new latest fashions from the department store. Bullies will study your attire carefully, looking for the slightest stain or tear.
3. Bullies stare at your body to see if you’re even the slightest overweight or underweight. They check your nose to see if it’s a millimeter too long and your ears to see with they’re too big.
4. They scan your hair to see if it’s too straight or too curly and your eyes to see if they’re too buggy-looking or too wide-set.
5. They look deep into your eyes, seemingly down into your very soul, trying to see if you are hiding something from them- trying to ferret out your emotional state.
6. Bullies watch your every move, just waiting, with bated breath, for you to trip, fall, drop something- anything they can use against you.
curiosity eye in the keyhole – spy concept
7. Bullies also have an ear cocked for any damaging information about you- any mistake you may have made or anything you may have done wrong sometime in the past- even if it was years ago.
But know this.
If your bullies have to look for stuff to use to throw shade on you, they were probably never bothered by you in the first place. And, truth be known, they’re probably not bothered by you now. So, rest assured, you did nothing to get on their “shadar.”
Three gossip girls listening through the neighbor wall at home
I want you to realize this.
when bullies must hunt for stuff to criticize you about
when they have to search for things about you to be angry, annoyed, or disgusted with
when they have to clock your every move for the slightest inkling of weirdness, awkwardness, or defect
It’s not about them being angry, offended, or bothered. What it is about is POWER!All about power and nothing else!
Every bit of it is a power-play to put you in your place, to force you under their thumb, and to hurt you.
Bullies do it to tear you down, discourage you from defending and protecting yourself. They do it to convince you that you’re nothing, no good, and always wrong. They do it to show you who’s boss- that they’re in charge of your life and you’re not. And that there’s nothing you can do to stop them from harming you.
The more you know, the better you expose the bully and protect yourself.
As the old proverb goes, “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” This has been true since the dawn of time. There’s strength in numbers. And bullies are notorious for running in packs and using their numbers to intimidate targets.
However, there’s a reason that goes much deeper than strength or power.
Social science has proved that comradeship is born when two or more people can find something (or someone)they dislike- a common enemy they can all share a passionate dislike for. And if members of the group do not feel they can get solidarity any other way, they will find and/or create an enemy against who they can all unite.
Simply put, they single out and harass a certain person for group cohesion purposes- to facilitate camaraderie among the other bullies in the group.
Put another way, they use their victim as a vehicle for interaction, ingratiation, and bonding. Uniting against an enemy ensures group solidarity. Each member takes turns bullying the victim because they know it’s expected of them by the rest of the pack. Therefore they commit the harassment to ‘fit in’ and get rewards of group unity at the victim’s expense.
Today, we call this “pack mentality” or “herd mentality.” And sadly, most people will do anything, right or wrong, to follow the rest of the herd.
Self-confidence is THE key ingredient that everyone must have to succeed in life. When you have it,
1. you have better and more fulfilling relationships
2. you are more successful in school and in your career.
3. You have more dates, friends, are more likely to have a great marriage and raise confident and successful children.
But a Perfectionist, on the other hand, is not a confident person and has to work so much harder just to go through life. A perfectionist is insecure with herself and others. She focuses more on herself than others and is always worried about what others may think and say about her. This is why she tries so hard to be, well, perfect.
A perfectionist is both critical of herself and others and tends to have strained relationships because of her obsessive need to be right- all the time- about EVERYTHING!
She thinks that she must be perfect for others to like her and covertly seeks validation from others rather than looking within herself for it. And the outcome is usually adverse.
A confident person realizes that no one is perfect and that they will make mistakes. When that person does make a mistake, she doesn’t make a big deal about it and beat herself up.
Sure, she may be disappointed for a short while but she always gets over it very quickly and “bounces back”.
She may even have a few people who do not like her. But being the confident person she is, she doesn’t concern herself with how she’s perceived because she knows that she is awesome and that there are plenty of others who DO love her.
A confident person is a “proud to be me” kind of individual and always takes care of herself and the people she loves. She always surrounds herself with positive and uplifting people who love her and steers clear of the negative people who want to bring her down.
A confident person sees beauty where a perfectionist only sees flaws. She sees opportunity where a perfectionist sees strife and hard luck.
When I was young, I was a perfectionist. Why? Because I was a beaten down and very negative person who couldn’t see the forest for the trees and I felt I had to be A-1 best before people would like me. I had yet to realize that all I ever needed to be was my natural, authentic self.
When I began to love myself, flaws, quirks, and all, things began to change, and for the better. Now I am at peace and comfortable in my own skin.
Everywhere I look there is opportunity. Everywhere I look, there is beauty because I look for it. I love myself and the people around me.
There’s no benefit to being a perfectionist, you only end up working too hard to meet standards that are more than likely impossible to meet, spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.
Also, you end up failing miserably and in the process, looking like a try-hard.
Confidence, on the other hand, is FREEING and it allows you to be you without fear.
It also brings patience, faith, and positive self-awareness. Instead of spinning your wheels, you move slowly, steadily, and PATIENTLY toward your goals, step by step, until you eventually reach them, therefore reaching success!
Sadly, neither did I. Although bullying is never a laughing matter, if I’d only realized this back then, I would’ve laughed at them instead of letting them get me upset.
Think about it. When you’re bullied, your peers stay mad at you all the time, have negative and destructive thoughts of you, talk about you constantly, start whispering campaigns to keep you alone and friendless.
You consume their thoughts day and night! And all of this takes so much energy, so much effort! Wow!
All this just for you!
Group of people or crowd cheers carrying signs. The event, Fan club, demonstration concept. cartoon vector
I’m making fun of the bullies, of course. Because they tell all just by their reactions, which only means you’re not boring(Snicker). Good or bad, they keep you relevant. You can rile people up, fire up their emotions, make them crazy with rage without lifting a finger!
All you have to do is be seen or walk into the room, and blood pressures all around you shoot up. You’re making an impact on them.
Understand that bullies don’t hate you. They only hate themselves because you remind them of what they only wish they could be.
Football hooligans are in-game. Angry soccer fans shouting and booing in the crowd. Losing team fans got mad. Furious silhouette people complain and protest a mistake made by the referee.
You may not realize it, but you’re really the one in control. Take advantage of it. Fire them up. Because anger affects a person’s ability to think clearly and causes them to goof up, make a mistake, and shoot themselves in the foot.
That’s right! They’ll get so fired up that they’ll do something stupid and get caught. You won’t even have to snitch! They’ll do it for you!
Although I’m a smart-aleck, it’s also true. You can very slyly get bullies worked up, and they’ll slip up and end up being “hoisted by their own petards.”
Confidence is the most important characteristic you can ever have, not only during school to ward off bullies, but all through life. It does not matter how smart you are or how high your grades are.
You can have five PhDs and be the smartest person on the face of the earth. But if you don’t have confidence, you will not be able to effectively communicate nor interact with people. Your social/people skills will be lacking and you won’t get anywhere in life.
Whether you choose to believe this, the reality is that other people really do have control over whether we succeed or fail in life. Other people are the gatekeepers to our success and if you think otherwise, you are only fooling yourself.
I’ll give you a few examples: You can’t get that high position you want without being selected for the job by another person- the interviewer, who could be the owner of the company, an HR manager, or supervisor.
Even during school, although the vast majority of teachers and professors are honest and grade students fairly regardless of how they may feel about the individual, it’s still not unheard of for a student to receive a failing grade solely because the instructor didn’t like them. It does happen, though not often.
Confidence= great people skills= charm= great friends and connections= success!!! Great people skills will always trump smarts, good grades, high marks, and college degrees! Always!
Confidence, or lack thereof, is something that people notice right away when they meet you for the first time. When you walk into a job interview and meet your interviewer, he is going to notice right away whether you are confident in yourself and if you’re not, chances are very unlikely that you will get hired for that esteemed position that you have been coveting. The reason for this is that if you’re not confident in yourself, how then can you expect others to be confident in you?
Make no mistake about it. Confidence is the number one ingredient in all areas of your life. It’s the first trait that potential employers look for and not only potential employers but also prospective associates, prospective customers, friends, and dates. Whether or not you are confident is something that everyone looks at unless they are so low on confidence themselves that they can’t afford to be the least bit selective.
This is why you must never let a bully take away your confidence. If another person has already taken it away, you must fight like crazy to get it back. You do this by surrounding yourself with people who love you and lift you up, doing the things you enjoy and are good at, showing off your talents, taking care of yourself, and taking pride in yourself and in your appearance. Only then will you begin to see your own worth.
If a person steals your confidence, they also steal your potential for success and happy life. In short, they steal your future. Bullies are confidence thieves! Never surrender your confidence to anyone! This brings me back to Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said it best when he made this quote:
“If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me.”
I didn’t experience bullying, nothing beyond normal teasing, until I moved to a small Tennessee town after having been an Army Brat and lived in several different areas. Until then, bullying had always been something that happened to kids in the movies.
When I became a target of severe and chronic bullying as a sixth-grader at the age of twelve, I began a long lesson in the human predator/prey dynamic and a battle for my dignity, safety, and my very soul.
During the sixth grade, I never fought back. I’d been taught that decent young ladies didn’t fight. So, I took the physical beatings, name-calling, and abuse.
When I entered seventh grade at the age of thirteen, the harassment by my classmates reached a fever pitch. I was a target of what is called “poly-victimization.” I was name called, slandered, humiliated, threatened, physically beaten, the whole nine. And after enough of it, I learned the hard way that I had two choices, either take a stand and fight back or get eaten alive.
The more I tried to set boundaries, the worse the bullying became.
The physical bullying was brutal. I suffered horrible beatings, and it escalated to the point of having a box cutter pulled on me and my life threatened.
Every morning before going to school, I would feel a huge lump in my throat and swallow hard. It took everything I had in me to step onto that school bus, knowing what would be waiting for me as soon as I walked through the school entrance.
During P.E., I was good at some sports, but not so good in others. I loved volleyball and kickball but basketball and baseball weren’t my strong suits. Music and writing stories were my gifts, not sports.
However, students and a few teachers judged me because I wasn’t an athlete or a sorority girl. I was the musically talented and creative type. So, what they were doing was akin to judging a fish on its ability to fly.
In just two short years, I went from being a confident and outgoing kid who always made the honor roll, to a sad, withdrawn, angry and bitter girl who made C’s and D’s.
Schoolwork had always been so easy for me. I had been one of those lucky kids who didn’t have to pick up a book. All I had to do was to listen in class and do my homework (which I could get done in minutes), and I’d ace every test. But in a matter of two years, the schoolwork went from being a piece of cake to being difficult and overwhelming.
Who can concentrate on schoolwork when they’re busy looking over their shoulder and dodging bullies. Who can learn effectively when they’re constantly in survival mode?
The torment became next to unbearable, and I attempted suicide at the age of fourteen, which landed me in ICU for a week. I almost didn’t make it.
Having my power stripped away was a hell I would not wish on anybody, not even my worst enemy. The trying to keep a calm demeanor amid so much toxicity and the desperately hanging onto my dignity with everything I had was exhausting! I felt as if I were emotionally held hostage by my classmates and yes, even a few school staff as a few of them joined in the bullying as well.
Because I felt powerless, I began to bully those who were even weaker than me in attempts to grab back some of my power, and it is something I’m not proud to confess today.
I had no one to turn to as bullying was considered a normal rite of passage in those days and something I had to deal with on my own. Anytime I spoke out about or reported the mistreatment, I was shouted down by the other classmates and told to “shut up”, blamed for my own suffering, or perceived as a whiner, thought of as weak, and ridiculed. There was no help nor relief.
I was not allowed to be a human being. There was no margin for error.
They would minimize or ignore any good deed, any accomplishments, and any successes. And they would maximize any mistakes.
If I wore a dress and went to school all dolled up (which I often did in high school), I was trying to either impress the opposite sex or get a date and/or laid. If I wore my jeans the slightest bit tight, I looked like a whore.
If I cried, I was too sensitive. If I laughed, I was trying to get attention. If I got angry, I was crazy. If I was friendly, I was either flirting or trying to kiss up. If I smiled, I was secretly plotting something devious.
I was not allowed to be myself and it was exhausting. It felt as if I were suffering a slow and agonizing social murder.
The last straw finally came when I was four months pregnant with my first child. I was attacked from behind, thrown over a teacher’s desk, then kicked as I lay balled in a fetal position on the floor, guarding my growing belly and trying to protect my unborn baby. Luckily, my unborn child survived and was born healthy later that year.
After the last attack, I was done with Oakley High. I changed schools, and the bullying stopped. Words cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally have the opportunity to transfer to a new school! To a safer environment! One which would be much less stressful!
I loved my new school and felt like a bird out of a cage! The feeling was of being released from a nearly six-year-long prison sentence. I had done my time in hell and now I could put it behind me.
While riding along the highway toward the new school I would enroll in, I sat in the passenger seat with my then-husband (I got married while still in high school) behind the wheel and cried tears of joy.
It was hard to believe that it was over! The persecution! The pain that was so great I couldn’t even cry! It was all finally over! and I could start a new and better chapter in my life. Sure enough, I went on to make friends out of my new classmates, but, more importantly, my grades skyrocketed! The transformation of my grades seemed to happen suddenly and like magic!
After five years, I made honor roll again, then finally, graduation!
I now lead a successful life and use what I went through to help bullied kids today. Anytime I hear of an innocent child bullied into suicide, it truly breaks my heart.
What’s even more heartbreaking is the attitudes and remarks I hear from others around me when a tragedy like this happens! I often hear statements such as:
“But that boy was so quiet!”
“Really??? Still waters run deep!”
“But that girl always kept to herself!”
“No joke! Just as an AIDS patient keeps his diagnosis to himself!”
“Shame on him! He was such a coward!”
“Right! Anyone running through the woods from a wild boar would look like a coward to someone sitting safely in a tree! You spend a few years being bullied by everyone you know and see how mighty and brave you are! You’ll find out how quickly your life can go to crap!”
If you haven’t experienced it, you’ll never know what it is to be a target of bullying. I was fortunate in that I survived and moved on to happiness and success. But many victims don’t, which is why writing about bullying and advocating for victims is my passion.
Although being bullied is never a good thing, I did get a few positive takeaways:
1.) Having been bullied has made me appreciate the great friends I have today. It also gave me empathy and compassion for others and a desire to help those who endure the same!
2.) Having been bullied made a strong woman out of me. It made me more determined never to quit until I reach a goal! Knowing that bullies often bully out of jealousy and fear is the motivation for me.’
3.) Being bullied gave me the determination to love myself, put myself first, and the willingness to say “no” anytime I am asked or told to do something which does not feel right!
4.) Having been bullied gave me the determination to follow my dreams, to do things I most enjoy, and to reach success!
5.) Having been bullied has given me hope. Because I know that if I can go through bullying and survive, then I can rise above anything!
6.) It gave me a soft spot and a great willingness to fight for the underdog.
7.) And lastly, it sharpened my BS detector, giving me the ability to read people, spot a bully instantly and avoid being targeted!
Being a target of bullying almost broke me, yes! But in the end, it made me! And if you’re a target of bullying and you don’t give up, you too can survive and emerge a winner!!!
Being the object of bullies is a hell that only few people can comprehend. If you aren’t careful, it can very easily turn you from a kind and caring human being to one of two things:
1. an angry, bitter. distrusting and mean-spirited person
2. a sad, sullen, and withdrawn individual.
Bullying can either make or break a person. Sadly, so many people end up broken. But I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be this way.
If you continue to practice self-care, chances are that, although as painful as it may be, the bullying you suffer will not have as much of an impact as it would if you give up on yourself. So don’t – I repeat – DON’T give up! EVER!
I’m living proof. I’m a very happy, healthy, and successful adult. But if you knew me during high school, you never would’ve thought that I would ever make it as far as I have.
The bullying didn’t break me. It made me! I consciously chose not to let it break me, and you, too, have that choice.
Being bullied is never good. But it not only made me a stronger, more resilient, and compassionate woman, it also motivated me.
It gave me the drive to pursue my goals and dreams. It gave me a purpose. That purpose is to spread awareness of the bullying epidemic, which seems to be sweeping the globe. It gave me the drive to become a published author and be a voice for those who are too afraid to speak out.
If you have a dream, there will be people along the way who will do their best to discourage you because if you flourish, it’ll be as if you’re holding a mirror up to them and showing them a reflection of their own pathetic lives.
No matter how others may treat you, you must continue to follow your dreams and do it because it makes you happy. Never dumb yourself down to make someone else feel better about themselves.
Instead, mute the voices of these toxic people and get them out of your life (if possible) as quickly as you can. Then, continue to go after and achieve your goals because life is too short, not to.
You only get one shot at life. Make it count! Do what fulfills you and live life to the fullest! You can do it!
