Month: June 2021

Other Bullied Classmates Are Still Afraid to Tell Their Stories Today

15 Comments

small town bullying

Even today, thirty years later, there are other targets from way back who are afraid of telling their stories. Some are scared that it may somehow get back to the people who bullied them. And that the bullies from high school will hunt them down and harm them or their families if they speak out. Hey, Oakley’s a small southern town and they have to live there. Luckily for me, I got out of there.

Their worries aren’t exactly needless either. Many of them live in the same small town the bullies do, and the bullies have powerful connections. Many of the classmates who bullied me are either working in law enforcement (Isn’t it funny how most people who were bullies in school seek out careers that give them a little power and authority?), or ended up with spouses in law enforcement.

People in small towns never forget who they hated in high school and seem to carry grudges for a lifetime. Many of them would jump at the chance if they could bully the person again for old time’s sake. Trust me. I know these people, and they wouldn’t think twice about it!

Hate is blind

I’ve heard countless horror stories from others. They were stories about how these former bullies from high school would have certain people they didn’t like pulled over and plant drugs in their vehicle to press bogus charges of illegal possession and ruin their lives. It happens more than we realize. So far, when passing through, I’ve been very fortunate.

I’ve also heard another story from a very reliable source about how one of the women who bullied me in school, handled marital issues with her husband.

Because she was angry and wanted to get back at her spouse, she sent a picture of herself and another man in their home to her husband’s phone while he (the husband) was at work at the police department, all to prove a point to him that she could leave and have any other man she wanted.

In doing that, she baited her police officer husband into losing his temper, leaving his shift and coming home to fire several shots into the home they shared, placing both herself and their children in grave danger. Yep! Talk about stupid!

 

Luckily, neither she nor the kids were hurt. However, if she would do a damn fool thing like baiting her spouse to do something foolish and make herself out to be the innocent wife who’s so abused and mistreated, then she’d bait someone else with whom she wanted to get revenge on. And most of her friends, who were also bullies, are the same manipulative way, which is why I make it a point to keep them at a long distance from my loved ones and me.

I’ve committed a grave sin by writing and publishing a book about being bullied in high school, and yes, they know about it. Although I never used their real names in the book, I received quite a few nasty and threatening messages from them after the book became available, and a few other classmates bought it.

One woman even informed me that she had contacted several classmates, and they all wanted to meet me somewhere where we could “have a meeting” and “have a well-needed discussion” over what I’d written and published.

nope refuse bullying

Emoticon making deny sign

That meeting didn’t happen. And it never will because I wouldn’t trust any of them as far as I could throw them. You never know what they may be plotting or what might happen. Had I stupidly agreed to meet with them, there’s no telling what I would’ve walked into. So, I bade them thanks, but no thanks.

No reunions for me. I hope my classmates have fun, but they’ll have to do it without me.

There are times I still get nasty messages from a classmate or two, not often, but it does happen. It doesn’t phase me any because number one; they don’t know where I live. Number two; I could care less.

gut feeling

If I must do any business in the town, I do it without worrying about the possibility of being seen by the wrong people. I know that they would be a fool to approach me today.

The bullies know that if they try anything foolish, and if anything happens to me, anything at all, they will only prove every word I wrote in “From Victim to Victor.” Also, people from everywhere will come around asking questions and guess who they’ll go to for answers.

They will only make themselves suspects.

In essence, “From Victim to Victor” is my protection. The book can serve as a shield from any retribution my old bullies may want for my daring to speak out about the notoriously vile and ignorant way they acted years ago. These people know not to bust themselves.

My other classmates, who were also victims, do not have that protection going for them, and I can only hope and pray that they are left alone to live their lives with their families in peace.

It’s Hard to Feel Empathy When You’re A Target of Bullying

6 Comments

Targets of bullying often get accused of being selfish and out for their own interests. However, anytime we are hurting so badly, the pain only blunts our capacity to feel for others.

Anytime a person suffers severe and relentless bullying for so long, their pain overrides any ability to empathize with those around them, who may also be hurting.

It’s like lying in the emergency room with both legs broken after a car accident. The pain is so intense that you could care less about the patient in the next room. All you’re thinking of is how soon a doctor will see you and order a pain reliever.

I tell you this because it happened to me. When I was a target of bullying in school, two girls in my class died in a horrific car crash during the eleventh grade, and as much as I hate admitting it today, I could not have cared less about it back then.

Naturally, I don’t feel the same today. Now, thirty years later, I’m sorry that happened to them, but at the time it happened, I had absolutely no feeling for the girls and even had the attitude that it had served them right and that maybe I’d get lucky and a few more bullies would drop dead soon.

I had been a target of the class for so long I just did not have it in me to care.

After a person endures bullying for so long, he/she becomes cold and unfeeling toward other people if they aren’t careful, and it will only bring about resentment from people who might otherwise offer love and support.

If you are a target of bullying in school or at work, never let it take away your empathy, kindness, and humanity. It won’t be easy, but there are ways to buffer your self-esteem from the effects of bullying and hold on to your sweetness.

Humiliation: The Bully’s Most Dangerous Weapon

Leave a comment

Humiliation, unlike embarrassment or shame, leaves a mark on the person who suffers it, and the stigma surrounding the person can follow them for the rest of their lives. Why? Because people who’ve been publicly humiliated are always thought of and remembered for their humiliation. Think, Harvey Weinstein and the sex scandals which broke a few years ago.

Although ol’ Harvey’s humiliation is well-deserved, not so for victims of bullying. Innocent victims are often humiliated by their bullies and stuck in an uncomfortable and degrading position while others gather around excitedly to taunt and abuse them.

Humiliation has been used down through the ages. Tarring and feathering was a technique used in the Old West, which involved covering people with hot tar and feathers and parading them through the crowded streets on a horse-drawn cart. Think of Chuck Connors’ character, Jason McCord, in the old western series, “Branded.”

To humiliate someone is to assert power over them by denying and destroying their personal dignity. Throughout history, humiliation has been the most common and effective means of punishment, abuse, and oppression. It’s not the threat of imprisonment or even death that is a deterrent of crime; it is the dread of humiliation.

It’s a fact! People fear losing face worse than they do a violent death!

Humiliation is also used to maintain a social hierarchy and to emphasize that the group, alumni, organization, or community as a whole supersedes the individual. It is designed to defuse any threat to a particular order or someone’s esteemed position.

Think of today’s cancel culture.

In student hierarchies in schools, bullies at the top of the pecking order go to great lengths to protect their often ill-gotten status and uphold their positions. At the same time, the other kids are forced to submit to different kinds of debasement. And it’s the same in the workplace too.

Anytime a target of bullying defends himself against harassment and abuse, the bullies will often use humiliation to retaliate and subdue the victim by way of jokes, pranks, or setting the target up to get in trouble with the staff or a horrific beating by other kids. Bullies at the top will also spread vicious rumors and lies against their object.

Most forms of humiliation involve invading the victim’s privacy and sneakily taking videos of him/her in compromising positions.

Example 1:
A targeted girl is taking a shower in the locker room or undressing in the privacy of her bedroom, and the bullies hide behind a corner or just outside her bedroom window at night and take videos of her with their smartphones. They then spread the videos to other classmates. Or worse, a girl naively sends her boyfriend a nude selfie. They break up. He then shares it on social media, and the photo goes viral!

Humiliation and exile. A crowd of people chases a sad person.

Example 2:
A targeted boy is standing in front of a urinal using the bathroom, and a bully hides in the stall next to him, peering through the crack and the camera lens on his smartphone, taking videos of his manly areas. He then sends the video to all his buddies, and they laugh and joke about how small, crooked his package is (or it could be the mole, anything different about it). Remember the suicides of Tyler Clementi and Amanda Todd and the circumstances surrounding each case.

Example 3: A bright worker is set up to fail in the workplace. And when he does, it follows him the rest of his working life.

Humiliation is horrible for anyone. It is so devastating that it involves negative things with which the victim will always be associated, and there will be no getting away from it! Embarrassment and shame are only temporary. Humiliation, however, can follow a person for the rest of their lives!

So, if you are a victim of bullying, protect yourself. Also, I cannot stress this advice enough! No matter how much your boyfriend/girlfriend may claim he/she loves you! No matter how much the person begs and pleads for you to do it, nor what they threaten you with if you don’t! Never, ever, ever let anyone talk you into sending a nude pic! Ever!

And if anyone ever films you in an indecent position without you knowing it, know that what they did is against the law! Speak out about it and file criminal charges and a civil suit for damages!

The more you know, the better you protect yourself!

How to Know Whether You’re About to be Mobbed at Work

14 Comments

You’re NOT about to be mobbed if:

You’re brought in for a talk with the boss after an incident has been raised. Then you finish the meeting and come out of your boss’ office feeling darned good about yourself. You’ll also notice the boss smiling at you and the other person looking stressed and withdrawn. You’ll notice that the other person is increasingly isolated while things are looking better and better for you. Your supervisor or manager will drop by from time to time and chat you up.

You’re about to be mobbed if:

The boss doesn’t drop by to chat you up in an openly friendly way or doesn’t invite you into his office with a smile in the wake of an incident. Instead, the boss will begin to avoid you like a bad disease!

Also, you coworkers will go out of their way to track you down and pump you for information. They’ll only fake interest and support in what you have to say. They may call you at home or come by your house, feigning support and empathy and peppering it with questions. But it isn’t long before they begin avoiding you, gossiping about you and defaming you.

You must recognize these signs. Only then will you be able to take appropriate action and ward off a potential termination, marring of your good name, and derailment of your career!

As quoted in the old G.I. Joe cartoon years ago, “knowing is half the battle!”

Some People Aren’t Worth Your Time

13 Comments

Some people don’t come into your life to help you, they come to hinder you.

Some don’t come into your life to love you, they come to use you.

To some people, you’re not a person. You’re an opportunity.

They don’t love you for you, they love you for what you can do for them, and what they can take from you.

Some people aren’t loyal to you. They’re loyal to the benefits that come with you.

That’s why they disappear, no matter how many times you’ve appeared for them.

They never offer assistance, no matter how many times you’ve assisted them.

Stop standing behind people who don’t stand behind you.

Stop breaking your back for people who don’t have yours.

Stop busting your butt for people who don’t watch yours.

Some people aren’t blessings, they’re lessons.

Realize that these people aren’t worth a nanosecond of your time, and you must drop them like a bad habit. Only then will you feel better about yourself and attract more genuine and authentic people- people who uplift you and who love you for simply being beautiful, wonderful, awesome you!

The Difference Between Passing Judgement and Being Selective

Leave a comment

Often, when we are simply being selective of those we keep company with, others will accuse us of being judgmental or passing judgment and it can be difficult to defend against this if you don’t know how to tell the difference. So, what is the difference between passing judgment and being selective?

Here are your answers:

1. Passing judgement. You pass judgment on someone by excluding and bullying them for any reasons that are petty and without any evidence that suggests that the person isn’t safe to be around. For example, you judge them based on race, sex, weight, height, or orientation. You may also judge them based on the kinds of clothes they wear, how they look, or based on the nasty rumors you have heard from others about them, instead of judging them based on their character or the behavior and actions you’ve personally seen from them. In other words, you convict the person before having the time to get to know them, even though your gut is telling you the person is harmless.

2. Being selective. When you are being selective, on the other hand, you know without a shadow of a doubt that the person is abusive, toxic, and no good to be around. You have evidence that the person is unhealthy to be around because you have witnessed firsthand their crappy behavior, the terrible way they treat others, and the nasty attitude they have. No sane person wants to be around toxic people and with good reason. Also, your gut will tell you a lot about a person and you’ll feel the icky vibes they exude. So, you should never ignore it!

Being judgmental isn’t healthy nor smart because we rush to judgment on people we don’t really know. As a result, we may miss out on people who could be great friends, allies, and who could bring a lot of good to the world.

Being selective is healthy and the smart thing to do because, in being selective of the people we associate with, we base our judgment on what we know and witness in content of character and behavior. Therefore,  we ensure our safety from those who may wish to harm us.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

Never Ask a Bully Why

2 Comments

Understand that keeping you guessing is half the power bullies have over you. They will never tell you why they bully you also because, in many cases, they don’t know themselves.

To keep you confused and bewildered is a power all its own. Because when you’re confused, you can’t think clearly. And if you can’t think clearly, the less likely you are to figure out what to do to escape the bullies and their abuse. Or worse- how to defend yourself, conquer your bullies, and win your power back.

Understand that bullies will never relinquish their power. Never! And to be truthful as to why they bully you would be like giving secrets to the enemy. To be honest and tell you what they hate about you would be like giving their power away to you, and they’ll be damned if they ever!

I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. You must know in your heart that you never did anything to deserve the brutal treatment your bullies continuously dish out to you. They are the crazy ones. They are the ones with the problem, and they are the ones who will have to answer for what they’re doing one day, either in this life or the next.

Instead of focusing your attention on finding out why your bullies are giving you problems, focus on self-care.

Instead of asking, “Why me?” ask, “What can I do to take care of myself?” or “What can I do to remove myself from the situation and the toxic environment?” Think about what options you have and weigh each of them carefully. Then quietly begin making plans to get out of there as soon and as safely as possible.

Why People Bully

8 Comments

Someone came to me with a burning question that I used to ask all the time. I am certain that millions of people worldwide have asked the same question, “Why do People Bully?”

There are many answers, and they all depend on the individual bully.

1. Spoiled, Coddled, Narcissistic bullies.

These kinds of bullies bully because they are arrogant and overconfident. They truly believe that they are superior to and better than anyone else and will stop at nothing to let you know who’s boss. They are self-entitled, self-serving, and have no empathy.

With people such as these, the ends always justify the means. They do everything possible to keep the spotlight on themselves and hog all the attention. They consider themselves highly privileged.

These people are also jealous of anyone who outshines or outdoes them in any way because they believe that any happiness, successes, accolades, and victories should be reserved for only them.

If you have a talent that brings you recognition, look out! Because these bullies will punish you for it, and they will pull out all the stops to crush your self-esteem and kill your confidence.

You will often find these people in the popular and preppy crowd at school or in the “Good Ole Boy” clique at work. These folks will often be jocks, cheerleaders, and sorority/fraternity nuts at school, or in management or one of their suck-ups at work.

2. Hurting and Victimized Bullies (Bully-Victims)

These bullies bully because they are being bullied themselves either in the home, at school/workplace, or both. These folks feel powerless. So, to reclaim some of the power that has been stripped away from them, they search for someone they perceive to be even weaker than they are and bully them.

These people have a strong need to feel like they have control over something in their lives.

Here’s an example:

A child is yelled at by his parents, then he gets mad and kicks the dog. This is why I call this “Kicking the Dog.”

Also, no one wants to be at the bottom of the pecking order. As the age-old saying goes, “Sh** rolls downhill and lands at the bottom.” So, to stay off the bottom, these types will often find someone else to bully, so they don’t feel like they’re the ones stuck in the basement.

3. Bullies who Are Followers, Drones, and Wannabes

These bullies are to be pitied because they are quite pathetic when you really think of it. They will suck up to the in-crowd (the narcissistic bullies), and all too often, they do this by either bullying those lower on the social totem pole or participating in the bullying somehow.

Many of these people will say, ‘How High?’ when a person from the in-crowd tells them to jump. They often do the dirty work of the narcissistic bullies, join in with them in bullying others, or agree with them.

But understand that these people are only kiss-butts, yes-men, and brown-noses; and are only bullying you or your child for a ticket into the popular crowd or because they’re afraid of becoming the next target.

Different people bully for different reasons. When we can distinguish the reasons each bully bullies we can better prepare and protect ourselves.

Bullying and Hatred Disguised as Social Justice

16 Comments

The biggest excuse for hatred and bullying today is in the name of social causes. They hide their hatred of certain individuals and groups behind political activism and the accomplishment of social goals, which have nothing to do with love for your fellow man. As we’ve learned in the last year, most political policies only serve to destroy civilization.

Bullying and hatred only see laws, rules and norms as ways to oppress. I’m not saying that certain corrupt individuals won’t pervert them for their own ends, because they do. However, laws, rules and norms are initially put in place for a good reason, to preserve peace and safety for everyone. The dark side of human nature dictates that without laws and rules, our society would be a cesspool of chaos, anarchy, and suffering.

Bullies and haters will use words like “equality” and the past sins of targeted groups and individuals as an excuse to cause harm and destruction to those who have been labeled, fairly or unfairly. They will hide their hatred behind a veneer of a desire to do the right thing and use shame, disgust, and ridicule to bully people who may or may not have contributed to the inequality.

In this, innocent people can become objects of bullying and hatred because they are different somehow- they may be of different races, religions, or political beliefs. They may also be bullied and hated because they are poor. Maybe they smell bad, or are considered unattractive.

Many are bullied and hated because of something they have no control over- maybe they have a mental handicap, are physically weak, disabled, or disfigured. Some are hated because they don’t conform to certain standards. Maybe they were disadvantaged, got a poor education, and not as knowledgeable about things that most people already know.

Maybe they don’t dress properly, or they just do things their own way and not the way everyone else does. Difference, no matter how slight, always attracts bullying and hatred. Always! It’s sad but true! And innocent people who so happen to fall into the hated category of people end up persecuted and suffer needlessly and unfairly.

Hatred and bullying are so tricky because, like I’ve mentioned earlier, people often disguise their hatred and bullying as morality and equality. To be accepted, hatred and bullying can never be boldfaced and without moral reasoning. Bullies and haters must hide behind the facade of justice and fairness.

For example, hatred that stems from jealousy often dresses itself as a campaign of fairness. I’m not saying that all campaigns of fairness and justice stem from hate. However, many do.

The idea of spreading the wealth is one such example of class envy and hating and bullying those who have worked hard and reached financial and personal success.

In my opinion, a person that has worked hard to get his business off the ground and is successful in doing so deserves to keep his profits. Why? Because he worked hard, and he earned it. And he has the option to donate to the charities of his choice and help the poor but it’s his choice whether to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m charitable and I like to give to the less fortunate, but only because I want to! Not because some politician or activist demands that I give a portion of my earnings. And I can guarantee that if anyone dares to demand that I give them something, the only thing they will get from me is a proverbial middle finger and an “up yours.”

People give because they want to, not because they’re ordered to. That, my friends, is human nature.

Movements like these send the wrong message- that’s it’s somehow wrong for someone else to have something “that I don’t have and haven’t found a way to get” even though they worked their ass off to get what they have and where they are.

Another example is hatred and the desire to take revenge, which often masquerades as movements and campaigns against injustice or for justice.

Again, I’m not saying that all of these campaigns are about hate and vengeance. Martin Luther King, in his marches for freedom, surely did NOT advocate hatred, bullying, or taking revenge. His campaigns were for true unity and the good of mankind.

However, it’s too easy to use these campaigns to justify hatred and bullying, just as extremist groups like Antifa and others do. This is wrong. There’s no justification for hatred and bullying. Never! When groups such as these say the word “justice,” what they really mean is “revenge.” It’s how they justify burning, looting, violence, and murder.

Bullies and haters will also pervert the word compassion to hide hatred and bullying and will also recruit people to join them in their hatred of another person or group. This is how they trick people into believing that they’re being compassionate of their pain when, all they’re really doing is promoting hatred and hostility toward a target or targets.

Remember that MLK encouraged forgiveness and peaceful protesting. He encouraged unity. Sadly, groups like Antifa, BAMN, and The Red Guard encourage only hatred and any voice that encourages forgiveness or peace will be seen as opposition and quickly silenced. These groups will make it seem unfeeling and to lack empathy for the oppressed.

But lies disguised as compassion are of the most evil variety because they cause the most destruction and blind it’s followers to their hate, hostility, and viciousness. It’s also how innocent people are demonized and brutalized. Because, when an innocent person is labelled as bad and evil, they then become targets for hatred, violence, even murder!

It’s actually a clever and convincing disguise, but think about this: Satan never comes before you in a red suit with horns and a pointy tail, no. He always comes as an angel of light or as your heart’s desire- something you’ve always dreamed of. And trust me, he’s damn good at it! And why not? He’s the master of lies and fake disguises!

With knowledge comes empowerment!

School Bullies Grow Up and Produce Little Bullies

Leave a comment

gavel and soundblock of justice law and lawyer working on wooden desk background

If you’re a target and you feel that life just isn’t fair and that bullies never get the justice they deserve, here’s hope. Bullies do eventually get their comeuppance, and often, the payback comes through their own children.

I have found that several of my bullies from school have gone on to become criminals, and the children they had either during high school or after were born mostly out of wedlock.

I don’t judge anyone who becomes a single parent, nor do I glory in the misfortunes of others. I’m mentioning a few truths to establish a typical pattern of most school bullies and what many of them become later.

Interior of cell block in abandoned State Correctional Institution, or jail., common room with jail cells.

Many of my school bullies had babies during high school, and now these children are adults. For many years, I’ve avidly read the newspaper and seen many of my former bullies’ mugshots. Now I see the mugshots of their now-adult children and read the public list of indictments, usually located on the second or third page of the county’s newspaper.

Many of my school bullies have been to prison or jail, and now their children are following in their footsteps, being charged or convicted of crimes ranging from assault and drug-charges to armed robbery and murder. One of my old school harassers, along with her adult son, has recently been charged with abuse and neglect of a vulnerable, elderly adult and theft of over $60,000.

The son of another girl who bullied me in middle school is charged with kidnapping, shooting, and killing a pregnant woman in cold blood two summers ago and is now serving a life sentence. Even more ridiculous is that the mother is talking her murdering son up, saying, “He’s really a good boy. He’s just…”, making all kinds of lame excuses for him.

She and a few others are even calling for the authorities to “Free” him. “Free So-and-so!” (I won’t mention anyone’s name here) “Free So-and-so!” is what people hear from her.

Remember that bullies are self-entitled morons who think that you and the rest of the world owe them. They believe that rules and laws do not apply to them (or their offspring).

Handcuffed hands of a prisoner behind the bars of a prison with orange clothes – Crispy desaturated dramatic filtered look

They are willing to lie, cheat, browbeat, threaten, rob, and even murder their way through life and get what they want. They also teach their children to steamroll over others, and sadly, this is what you get…a new generation of budding criminals, prison-rats, and jailbirds.

Understand that bullies may be having their heyday now. High school may be their kingdoms. But once they are out of school, their kingdoms will crumble and fall. They will find out (the hard way) that the real world doesn’t care about them or their self-perceived status. Bullies may think they’re superior, but they’re in for a very rude awakening.

Bullies may think (or attempt to make everyone else think) that they’re invincible and indestructible but rest assured that there will come a day when they will be given a generous dose of Karma. And that Karma will either visit them or worse…their perfect little darlings.

Then you will have the opportunity to see just how small, insignificant, and irrelevant those bullies really are. At the same time, you get to enjoy life’s goody-bag of a loving family, a great career, and much success!

Stay strong! Be patient! Your reward and your justice are coming! Mine did!

When Bullies Talk in Code Around Their Targets

10 Comments

bullies talk in code

I remember sitting in class one morning and overhearing my bullies and others degrade and threaten a girl named “Jenny”, someone I had never met but who was, according to the talkers, in our age group.

She didn’t go to our school, so I figured she was a girl they knew who went to a different school.

They would call Jenny the foulest of names and tell each other aloud what they would love to do to her, and what they would do if they didn’t think they’d be held accountable.

As I listened to their conversation, I began to feel bad for this poor mystery girl.

Certain classmates would say things like,

“Jenny is so fake!”
“Jenny is such a little whore!”
“That Jenny is such a disgusting skank! I want so badly just to kill her!”
“If I thought I wouldn’t go to jail, I’d cut her throat and leave her in a ditch to die! She doesn’t deserve to breathe!”
“I’d cut her heart out and feed it to her!”
“Maybe we should put arsenic in her lunch; maybe we could do it like that!”

These kids were making very detailed comments which were nothing short of sick and demented, and it frightened me for this Jenny girl. My first instinct was to find out who she was and warn her about those monsters!

help code bullying

Much to my horror, I later learned from another source that this girl, Jenny, was really me they were discussing, and it shook me to my very core!

“Jenny” was only a code name. It was one thing to have others dislike you and not want to be around you, but, in my young mind, it was worse to think they wanted me dead.

This would be terrifying to anyone, more so to a teenage girl. Fortunately, I changed schools shortly after, and things took a complete turn for the better.

Know that bullies are slick and sometimes, they will talk in code if their target is anywhere nearby. If you hear anyone talking that way about not only you but anyone, avoid them and keep as far away from them as you can, if possible. Because if they’d talk about another human being this way, it goes to show that their minds are not in a good place.

Understand that when you avoid harmful and hurtful people, it is not because you are “chicken,” but because you are smart enough to avoid drama and negativity.
Sadly, when you are the object of bullies, the only person you have in your corner is you!

If you don’t take care of yourself, no one will! Therefore, it is up to you to do whatever it is that you have to do (within legal limits, of course) to ensure your safety and peace of mind.

Spousal Bullying (Domestic Abuse)

12 Comments

One of my readers suggested that I do a piece on spousal bullying, and I apologize for the length of this post. Because there’s much to cover on this subject, I did my best to cover everything as concisely as possible.

Whether you call it domestic abuse or spousal abuse, it is still a form of bullying, only the bullying takes place in the home against a significant other. The reason this is a form of bullying is because there is a clear power imbalance between the abuser and the target and the attacks, whether physical, verbal, or psychological, are repetitive. They become a pattern, and are ongoing over a period of months, years, or decades.

The bully in the home, (or domestic abuser) abuses the target verbally, emotionally, and/or physically to assert power and dominance and keep them from gaining or maintaining their independence, defending themselves, or leaving the relationship.

The bully feels he/she must use intimidation and force to keep their partner in line because they are life losers who have no social intelligence and no redeeming qualities. Somewhere along the way, they’ve been taught through experience that being a loving partner, calming talking out any issues, or seduction and soft persuasion are either signs of weakness, or doesn’t work.

But the reality is that they never learned how to love. They never learned social skills and how to use positive re-enforcement. Also, they never mastered the art of charm or soft persuasion. So, the only thing these poor souls have left in their toolbox is the use of intimation, force, and violence.

Here are ways that domestic bullies keep control and dominance over their partners:

1. Verbal abuse. If you have a partner that subtly puts you down through jokes or offhand comments, it is still verbal abuse, only you are in the early stages of it. But understand that this stage is the safest time to leave and the longer you stay in the relationship, the more danger you will be in when you finally do walk away.

 Know that you deserve to live a peaceful life on your own for a while. And when the time comes, you deserve a partner who respects you and treats you with love. You owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship before it gets any worse. 

Anyone who screams, yells, curses you, or calls you degrading names does not love you but only wants to control you and run your life. They may claim they love you but actions speak louder than words..

Again, you must find a path of escape and disappear because verbal bullying tends to turn physical if not dealt with. Do what you must do to get yourself to safety. I realize that it’s hard to leave someone you love, but if your partner doesn’t love you enough to treat you with respect and ensure your safety, you’re better off alone where you can live in peace and make room for someone who truly loves you and treats you with the respect you deserve.

2. Physical abuse. Nobody wants to be physically beaten and many people will submit to a bully just to keep from getting hurt. However, submission only provides physical safety in the short term. Bullies/abusers always come back for more. Again, any form of bullying and abuse will escalate if it’s not addressed properly.

Like school bullying, workplace bullying, and neighborhood bullying, spousal or domestic bullying can very quickly become a pattern and escalate because the bully grows comfortable with abusing their target. Bullies and abusers are notorious for pushing the envelope. In other words, when they get bored with verbal abuse, they will begin to commit “borderline physical abuse,” which is shoving or tripping. Next, they’ll up the ante to “blatant physical abuse” through punching, choking, kicking and progress on to severe beatings until it finally ends in murder.

If you are being physically abused, it’s imperative that you call police and a battered partner’s shelter and get help. Find a way to get out of the relationship. The last thing you want is to end up dead and any children you have (if you have any) to become orphaned.

3. Controlling the purse strings. Domestic abusers/Spousal bullies are notorious for keeping a tight fist on any household income. They refuse to give their partners any money or allow them to go to work and make their own money. If the abused partner happens to have a job, the bully/abuser will demand that they give them the money, or they force them to quit their jobs.

Understand that the reason these bullies are so stingy with the money is because they want to control you and they know that having your own money brings freedom and independence. The last thing the abuser wants is for you to have enough money to find an apartment somewhere and skip out on them one day while they’re at work. What better way is there to keep you stuck in the relationship than to keep you broke?

4. Isolating you from family and friends. Spousal bullies (or domestic abusers) do this to cut you off from any support you might receive from outside the relationship. Understand that the bully is very much afraid that you might speak up about the abuse and that your family and friends might advise you to drop them. And gasp! You just might take their advice!

So, they cut you off from your support system and keep you all to themselves to abuse and degrade at will. Again, you must find a way to get away from this person…fast!

5. Using any children you have together as leverage. Many spousal bullies will threaten to take the children and never allow the abused partner to see the kids again. I’ve heard and read many stories like this. Domestic abusers/spousal bullies use the love you have for your children to intimidate you into staying with them and letting them continue the abuse. But understand that when an abusive partner does this, he/she doesn’t really love the children nor want what’s best for them. They only use the poor kids as pawns in a very dangerous game. 

I cannot stress enough that, if you want to protect yourself and your children, you must find a way to leave the relationship and get legal and financial help. Because not only will you be in danger, but your children will too. Also, your children can end up with long-term emotional trauma if you don’t take them and get away. So, please. I beg you. Get your ducks in a row and leave this person, not only for your own safety, but for that of your precious children.

Understand that anyone who must bully and abuse their partner is highly insecure in the relationship. They are the weak ones. They are the cowards. If you are the target in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that none of it is your fault. Realize that it’s not your responsibility to fix this person. Know that you owe it to yourself, your children, and your family and friends to find a way out of the relationship so that you can lead a better, happier, and more productive life, and so that your children, family, and friends do not risk losing a loved one to murder.

Know that you’re worth it and you deserve to be free of your abusive partner and lead a life of peace and safety!

If you’ve suffered spousal bullying (domestic abuse), please feel free to tell your story in the comment section below. Also, if I’ve left anything out, let me know in the comments.

Bullying and Jerky Behavior. What’s the Difference?

4 Comments

Everyone deals with jerks and disrespect, but not everyone gets bullied.

Jerks and disrespect are a normal part of life. Bullying, on the other hand, is a whole other animal. Although a jerk’s behavior is hurtful and negative, it does not mean that it can be classified as bullying.

When is hurtful behavior classified as bullying, and how do we tell the difference between bullying and disrespect? What is the difference between a jerk and a bully?

When a person is “just being a jerk,” his/her bad attitude is random, sporadic, and directed at anyone at any time.

On the other hand, bullying is when the ill-treatment becomes a habit or pattern and is directed towards one person in particular- the same person over time.

Bullying requires a target! It is systematic, deliberate, vicious, and always escalates over time. Bullying involves smear campaigns, witch hunts and is relentless. Bullying seeks to destroy.

A jerk is afraid you might want something from him.

A bully wants something from you.

Don’t Worry About Who Does or Doesn’t Like You

28 Comments

Why? Because liking of any person or thing is always subjective, and no two people have the exact likes, dislikes, tastes, or opinions. Know that there will always be those who do not like you and be okay with it because it bears no reflection on you. We all move in different circles and directions.

It’s just how life works and how we were made.

Continue to love and embrace yourself as the person God created you to be. Continue to enjoy the friends and loved ones you do have and never mind the people you don’t have. They aren’t important.

Embrace your differences because no two people are the same. Accept every flaw and quirk you have. Accept no one’s ignorant, cookie-cutter version of what you should be. You are enough!

Imagine how utterly and downright boring life would be if we were all the same. Imagine a world full of white people, black people, or Hispanics- a world full of people with blonde hair and blue eyes or dark hair and dark eyes- a world full of skinny people…or overweight people- or if everyone had the same tastes opinions or beliefs!

It would be like living in a town where all diners were pizza parlors and served pizza but nothing else. Yuck! I love pizza, but I wouldn’t want to eat that every day!

So love being different. Know that there are people who love you and are begging to spend time with you. And above all else, know that God loves you. You will be alright.

What Do You Do Once You Leave a Toxic Workplace?

2 Comments

You’ve worked for a toxic company for three years. You’re out of a job because your bully boss either fired you or you get fed up, pulled a Johnny Paycheck, and told your tyrant boss to “take this job and shove it” and, in essence, fired him.

So, how do you get a new job, knowing that the honest thing to do is to put the hell-hole you just escaped from down as a previous employer and your former boss’s name on the line in the application that’s labeled “supervisor”?

Well, let’s be real here. Sometimes honesty’s not the best policy. After all, you and your family have to eat. Right?

So, if you’re the unethical type, here are a few underhanded things you could do. Because unethical or not, you have to survive somehow.

bye goodbye

1. Omit the workplace altogether. Yeah, it sucks. It’s not ‘the right thing to do,’ but what else do you have to lose? If you’re a married mother or grandmother, all the better. Just fill in the blanks with a homemaker and stay-at-home mom. Who’s going to question that? Yeah, you could hit a roadblock when the interviewer asks you about any experience! But again, they might give you a try! You never know! The object is to avoid a crappy report from your former boss.

2. Go to work for the competition. There’s less chance a competitor will take the word of their opponent. Also, you can sneakily give secrets away and help your new employer drive the other guy out of business. At least you’ll get a little justice!

3. Tell your new employer you were self-employed. If you were your own boss, who are they going to call for a work reference? Tell a good story, and make sure you have a good backup. Maybe you had an excellent blog and it got shut down by Google because Google made changes to its policies?

workplace bullies back stabbers gossips

back-stabbing colleagues threatening employee with scissors and knife

4. If you have a family member or friend who owns a business, have them be a job reference for you. They can give you a good report, and your chances of getting the gig will be higher.

Hey, desperate times, desperate measures. And if you want to work again, you must get around the bully boss any way you can.

Sometimes you must get as dirty as your BB because he will be waiting on a call from a potential employer once you’re gone. Your old bully will be looking for another chance to block you from future prospects. He may even try to blacklist you.

If you disappear from his radar by omitting him and his company from any job applications, it will be harder for him to reach out and touch you.

bullying boss

Strict Boss: Angry upset young business woman with blank speech bubble on white on gray background. Vector illustration.

5. Hire yourself. Yes. If you can, start your own business and work like the devil to build it. Then, if you’re lucky, five years from now, when you run into your old dictator at the local gas station while he’s putting gas in his suped-up Harley or sportscar, you can thank him for inspiring you to go into business for yourself and make it. And you can smile as you watch his face contort!

There’s no guarantee that the first four are going to work and you might even get fired from your new job if your old bully boss finds out where you’re working and decides to give your new employer a call.

But at least you will have bought yourself some time and put off going broke for a little while longer.

*Tips 1, 3, and 4 are satirical of course*