you are enough
Believe in yourself even when it seems that no one else believes in you.
Love yourself even when it looks as if the rest of the world hates you.
Be yourself even when those around you are trying to change you.
And keep your smile even as others try to turn it upside down.
Believe in yourself no matter what!
When bullies target you at school or in the workplace, a support system can be the difference between suicide and the will to live, and I tell you this from experience.
During the time I went to school and was bullied there, people didn’t consider the damage bullying did to its targets because it just wasn’t talked about. It wasn’t talked about because society was under the misguided belief that bullying was “a right of passage” – a “normal occurrence that all kids went through.”
But! If your were a target back then, I’ll bet that even back then, you knew that there was nothing normal about it. Even then, you knew that most kids didn’t endure bullying but only a certain few.
And because of this widely held belief, you were ashamed to talk about it and were forced to suffer in silence. Why? Because you knew that you’d be shamed for it – told to toughen up. So, you toughened up – you started fighting back amd defending yourself, only to be blamed and accused of being the perpetrator and either suspended, expelled, or fired (if you were an adult in the workplace).
In a nutshell, there just wasn’t much support for targets of bullying behavior in those days. I look back now and wonder just how many teen suicides in those days (and yes, there were many teen suicides back then) resulted from bullying.
Unfortunately, that’s an answer we’ll never know because those kids aren’t alive to tell their stories today. I can only speculate that it was more than likely well over half of all suicides under the age of 21. And I’m confident in that guess.
If you’re a parent or guardian, listen to your child and take steps to support and protect your son or daughter.
If you’re a teacher and a child or teen comes to you and opens up about the bullying they suffer, please do not trivialize their pain or rebuff them. Reach out to them and give them a listening ear. Let this precious human being know that you’re there for them.
If you’re a supervisor or manager, please, listen for the sake of not only the target, but for that of your company. Companies lose millions per year as a result of workplace bullying. Therefore, it’s much more profitable to do the right thing than it is to ignore it or to blame the target.
The more you know…
Many bullying victims are so anxious to make friends that they don’t set boundaries as to the way people should treat them. As long as they don’t have to be by themselves, they overlook the shoddy ways their so-called friends treat them.
They get hurt many times over because it turns out that their pals are only tolerating them. And by the time the target realizes those people aren’t good for them, they’ve been hurt, used, and humiliated enough times that their self-esteem is damaged.
Here’s my advice to targets who feel lonely and desperate for friends:
Never chase anyone who does not see your worth! It is beneath you, and those who do not value you, no matter how ‘cool’ they act or look, do not deserve the privilege of being in your life. You need to cleanse your life of these toxic people.
I realize that if you are a target of bullying, your friendship options are minimal, and I know all too well of the humiliation of sitting alone at the lunch table. At the same time, everyone else gets to enjoy having friends around them. Believe me, I was there myself once upon a time.
However, if the options you do have for friends are only tolerating you and turn hot and cold, exclude you, or talk behind your back, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate those friendships.
There is a difference between someone who genuinely likes you and someone who is only tolerating you. And you always know when someone is only tolerating you because of how you feel when that person is around. You can feel it in your gut. You can hear the shortness and coldness in the tone of their voices. You can see it in the way that they look at you (or refuse to look at you).
You can feel the cold vibes that they put out. There is nothing worse than realizing that someone you think highly of thinks very little of you. It is the most uncomfortable and sickening feeling. It is the equivalent of being kicked in the stomach!
But I want you to know that you do not have to be around such poisonous people. Anyone who makes you feel uneasy does not deserve your friendship. It does not matter if they are rich, good-looking, popular, successful, cool, tough, or whatever.
If they make you feel bad about yourself, ditch them! Weed. Then. OUT! They are not worthy of being in your company. You are better off without them. Understand that this may mean staying to yourself for a time.
No one wants to be a loner. I understand it, and I sympathize with you. However, I believe that it’s much better to be alone than to crawl up behind anyone who does not see your value.
It won’t be easy. Nothing worthwhile is. It takes courage to walk away from a person or people who take you for granted, especially when options for human connections are so few.
And I won’t lie to you, you may be by yourself for a while. It may get lonely, even sad, and depressing at times. But be strong and stay true to your own heart! You deserve so much better!
I promise you this. It may take a while, but if you have the courage to walk away from such people, life will eventually reward you for your courage by placing better and more loving people in your path- people who will genuinely love you and have your best interests at heart.
You will have better friends- friends who want to spend time with you, who want to invite you to parties and other events, and who will be there for you when the chips are down. You will have friends who are tried and true.
Be patient. Your time is coming!
Believe in yourself even when it seems that no one else believes in you.
Love yourself even when it looks as if the rest of the world hates you.
Be yourself even when those around you are trying to change you.
And keep your smile even as others try to turn it upside down.
Believe in yourself no matter what!
“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”
~ Maya Angelou ~
“Decide that you are enough, and watch what happens.”
~ Elyse Santilli ~
Bullies get their self-esteem from making others feel bad. They have an insatiable need to feel like they’re better than someone and for power. And if they see someone who’s truly happy, confident, or successful, they will hate that person with a passion and go out of their own way to break them down and make them pay for it.
Bullies will verbally abuse the lucky person, set them up for failure or to get into trouble with authority, try to sabotage the person’s goals and success, humiliate them and try their hardest to destroy them.
You see? Bullies can’t handle the success and happiness of others because they’re not happy and successful themselves. Also, the other person’s good fortune only reminds the bullies of the people they wish to be but clearly aren’t and highlights the bullies’ laziness, mediocrity, insecurities, and failures!
Remember that bullies want to be the center of attention- all the time! They want to monopolize the admiration of others! They want to be top dogs and the best of the best. If they find out that you’re doing much better at life than they are, they’ll come for you locked and loaded, with both barrels!
And they’ll break off a piece of your self-esteem every chance they get.
Understand that the issue lies with the bullies, not you! You’re okay! They’re not! But they’ll try to convince you that it’s about you and whatever they try to say is wrong with you.
There’s nothing wrong with you! Everything the bullies tell you is a lie!
So, kick these confidence leeches out of your life if you can! Because they aren’t even worth knowing! And don’t fall into the emotion and psychological traps that bullies will lay for you! You’re so much better than they say you are! Believe it!
“There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with the world you live in.”
~ Chris Coffer ~
Many victims of bullying are so anxious to make friends that they don’t set boundaries as to the way people should treat them. As long as long as they don’t have to be by themselves, they overlook the shoddy ways their so-called friends treat them.
They get hurt many times over because it turns out that their pals are only tolerating them. And by the time the target realizes those people aren’t good for them, they’ve been hurt, used and humiliated enough times that their self-esteem is damaged.
Here’s my advice to targets who feel lonely and desperate for friends:
Never chase anyone who does not see your worth! It is beneath you and those who do not value you, no matter how ‘cool’ they act or look, do not deserve the privilege of being in your life. You need to cleanse your life of these toxic people.
I realize that if you are a target of bullying, your options for friendship are extremely limited and I know all too well of the humiliation of sitting alone at the lunch table while everyone else gets to enjoy having friends around them. Believe me, I was there myself once upon a time.
However, if the options that you do have for friends are only tolerating you and they turn hot and cold, exclude you or talk behind your back, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate those friendships.
There is a difference between someone who genuinely likes you and someone who is only tolerating you. And you always know when someone is only tolerating you because of the way you feel when that person is around. You can feel it in your gut. You can hear the shortness and coldness in the tone of their voices. You can see it in the way that they look at you (or refuse to look at you).
You can feel the cold vibes that they put out. There is nothing worse than the realization that someone whom you think highly of thinks very little of you. It is the most uncomfortable and sickening feeling. It is the equivalent of being kicked in the stomach!
But I want you to know that you do not have to be around such poisonous people. Anyone who makes you feel uneasy does not deserve your friendship. It does not matter if they are rich, good looking, popular, successful, cool, tough or whatever.
If they make you feel bad about yourself,ditch them! Weed. Then. OUT! They are not worthy of being in your company. You are better off without them. Understand that this may mean staying to yourself for a time.
No one wants to be a loner. I understand it and I sympathize with you. However, I believe that it’s much better to be alone than to crawl up behind anyone who does not see your value.
It won’t be easy. Nothing worthwhile is. It takes courage to walk away from a person or people who take you for granted, especially when options for human connections are so few.
And I won’t lie to you, you may be by yourself for a while. It may get lonely, even sad, and depressing at times. But be strong and stay true to your own heart! You deserve so much better!
I promise you this. It may take a while, but if you have the courage to walk away from such people, life will eventually reward you for your courage by placing better and more loving people in your path- people who will genuinely love you, and have your best interests at heart.
You will have better friends- friends who want to spend time with you, who want to invite you to parties and other events, and who will be there for you when the chips are down. You will have friends who are tried and true.
Be patient. Your time is coming!
I know it’s tough. But sometimes you must first live with what you hate before you can move on to what you love. You must weather the storm before you can see sunlight. Understand that only when we’ve been through hell, do we appreciate heaven so much more.
Although your mind tells you that there’s something wrong with you- that it’s your fault- that you must be doing something to rub these people the wrong way, your heart tells you differently.
Your heart tells you that you did nothing wrong, that these classmates don’t like themselves and that they’re putting all that negative energy off on you. But this war between your mind and your heart leaves you exhausted.
No matter how bad things get, I see that small glimmer of hope in your eyes. Don’t lose it.
Although you carry an enormous amount of pain, you’re still holding on, taking it one day at a time. Keep it up.
Please love yourself and continue to forge your own path despite how others may treat you.
And please don’t hate your classmates, feel sorry for them- take pity on them. Because their lives aren’t as perfect as they let on. Believe it or not, your classmates are hurting too.
They have mental problems of their own that they never confessed nor got help for. Only they’ll never in this lifetime tell you about it.
Understand that they’re only keeping up appearances, which is such hard work. And they’re angry at you because you don’t have to work as hard as they do.
Realize that many of them are abused at home, have parents who are into prostitution or drugs and alcohol, and who fight. Many of them are also dirt poor, surviving on welfare and ashamed of it. Many of your classmates have home lives you couldn’t imagine! And school is their happy place.
Open your eyes and see that your home life is better than a lot of kids your age. Be thankful for it. Your home is a sanctuary compared to most.
And they’re also scared= scared of becoming just like you- a target! Therefore, they feel compelled to join in the bullying.
But understand that all this makes them cowards and again, they’re to be pitied, not hated.
You don’t yet realize how strong, brave and resilient you are. But you are- just for the fact that you haven’t dropped out of school like so many of your classmates. You haven’t quit the race! You haven’t given up on life!
Even though you know all too well that you will bombarded with a barrage of taunts and insults, or worse, physically attacked once you pass through the school entrance, you manage to find the courage to get up every morning and go to school and- you do it scared!
So, who are the weak ones now?
They may have favor with most of the teachers, even the ones who have little hope for you. However, most of them will never leave this town. This is a small town- only a dot on the map. In a small town, it doesn’t take much effort nor very long to maximize one’s potential.
Even though you feel so small and insignificant, understand that each of your classmates feel the same way you do. And the only way they can feel big and powerful is to make you feel bad. And one day, you’re going to see just how they end up.
Only a few will make it. The rest will be living in loveless and abusive marriages. Many will be poor and wondering how they’ll pay the rent. Some will join gangs or begin slinging dope.
Several will immerse themselves in drugs and alcohol to cope with their failures at life. A good portion of them will end up behind bars. And many will have kids who disrespect and hurt them.
Most of your classmates will be on a desperate and never-ending search for love, going through numerous divorces and broken relationships. They’ll never learn to fall in love with themselves and with life first.
They’ll be on an endless quest for happiness and never realize that happiness comes from within themselves.
I know you want so badly to fix it, but don’t know what’s broken.
You’ll laugh at me when I tell you what I’m about to tell you. You’ll probably tell me I’m crazy and that I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I’m going to tell you anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with you. Your classmates are the ones with the issues! They are the ones who are “crazy” and to keep everyone from figuring it out, they put it all off on you.
I want you to know that you’re a major threat to them. That’s right. You are a threat to your classmates. Do you know why?
It’s because you’re smart- smart enough to see right through them and they know it. They also hate it!
You’re also talented. You can sing, for crying out loud! You classmates know you can sing and they’re jealous of your beautiful voice. They’re afraid that you’re expose the bullying and let all their skeletons out of the closet.
Why do you think they shout you down and tell you to “shut up” every time you start to open your mouth? Why do you think they scream at you and tell you to sit down every time you get up to so much as sharpen a pencil or turn in homework- or even answer a teacher’s question in class?
But they’re very much afraid that you’ll humiliate them, so they keep you afraid to open your mouth.
They hate it when you write. But understand that they’re afraid you might be writing about them and their cruelty. Isn’t that why they had your journal taken?
But know this. You have so much potential. You just don’t know it yet, because you’ve been programmed to think that you’re no good and will never amount to anything.
I know that sometimes you want to die. But if you keep living, I promise that things will get better- much better! Because you’re going to accomplish things you never thought you would. You will end up surprising yourself!
Although you think this is a load of feel-good garbage now, the truth is that your classmates bully you to keep you down because they fear that if you ever rise, you’ll cause them to fade into the background.
I also know that your home life isn’t so hot either. Your father doesn’t believe in you and treats you more like a stepchild then a child. He acts like you’re not one of his. But understand that he’s battling demons of his own.
And I know that you’re anxious for your mother to remarry so you’ll have a replacement dad. I know you dream of having a stepdad who’ll legally adapt you as his own. But honey, no one else will ever replace your daddy and someday, you’re going to realize it.
I know it seems that you and Mom don’t see eye to eye and the easiest way to avoid any fallouts is to stay in your room, write and get lost in the music you blare so loudly.
I know you feel like she’s ashamed of you and wishes she had a different child. She isn’t and she doesn’t. She loves you very much and the bullying you suffer hurts her too. Know that she’s on your side.
And you’re going to find out later that if you open your heart to her and talk, even cry to her, she’ll listen while she holds you, and you’ll grow closer than ever before.
Also realize that every kid goes through times when they’re at odds with parents. And I’ll go back to a point I made earlier- your home life is a lot better than most.
I know you’re withdrawn- closed off- scared to talk to people because you’re afraid they’ll make fun of anything you have to say. But take the risk anyway. Open your heart to people. Laugh and have fun with them. I promise you that they just might see your golden heart and love you for it.
School is worse than anything. I know that inside, you want to laugh, want to sing, want to dance, but you’re afraid. Know that one day, you’ll have the courage to let yourself do and be.
Know that what you’re going through now is only temporary.
(Continued in Part 3…)
Hey, Angel!
I know you’re hurting, you’re lonely, and you’re frightened. You’re exhausted- damned tired of having to fight just to get through what should be a normal school day. You’re also confused- you’re not sure what you should do to remedy the situation.
Hurting, heartbroken- crushed because the judgements are severe, and no one will give you a chance. Your opportunities have been taken from you- opportunities to make new friends, to get a part-time job, for scholarships, and for dating and romance- just to grow as a person and move forward!
Lonely, isolated- alienated from seemingly everyone because your good name has been defamed and destroyed. Everyone is seemingly scared of you- scared to be seen with you. Or they’re cruel to you.
You can feel the contempt when they look at you with eyes that pierce you. And yes! It cuts deep! You withdraw and refuse to speak to them. You act as if you don’t need any of them, even respond to them in kind. You do all this not because you want to but strictly for self-preservation, which only makes them hate you more, and alas, reinforces the alienation.
Frightened– terrified of making mistakes, and of failing because of the continuous threat of being taunted, ridiculed, humiliated! And why not? It’s already happened, and it continues to.
You’re in danger- danger of being physically attacked- shoved to the floor, your hair pulled out, punched, kicked, choked! You even fear they’ll slice your face, cut your throat, stab or shoot you because they’ve already threatened to. In the back of your mind, you know that every action begins with a thought.
Exhausted– damned sick of the never-ending drama, the fakery and the stupidity of not only your classmates but a few petty, immature, and cliquey teachers who are only adult versions of the punks who torment you, and who probably picked their careers because they couldn’t get enough of their glory days of high school. I know that’s what you’re thinking.
You’re just plain wore out from the incessant need to grow eyes in the back of your head- watching your back, looking over your shoulder and of the ducking and dodging people who wish to do you harm! Who can learn when they’re constantly in defense mode?
You’re just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Period!
Confused– bewildered as to how you should respond to the cruelty the school subjects you to. Because of the constant abuse, you don’t even know who you are now. You’re not sure which direction you should go in, nor what the future will bring. You don’t know what to say because you aren’t sure how the words will come out and whether you’ll end up saying something stupid.
You consistently wrack your brain, trying to figure out why. You wonder how it all even got started and what you must’ve said or done to bring it about.
You’re bullied every day, all the time, by everyone, for everything.
It seems that no one will allow you to be a human being.
If you smile, people automatically think you’re up to something.
If you frown, they think you’re feeling sorry for yourself.
If you laugh, people think you’re making fun of them.
If you cry, they tell you you’re too sensitive and call you a crybaby.
If you sing, you’re accused of showboating.
If you write, they accuse you of writing something nasty about them.
If you wear a dress, makeup and your hair down, you’re only trying to impress the opposite sex and get a date and/or laid.
If you wear your jeans a little too tight, they label you a whore.
If you get angry, speak out or fight back, they label you as crazy, mentally unbalanced and in need of professional help.
If you’re happy and cheerful, they ask you what mischief you got or whether you slept with someone.
If you’re friendly, they accuse you of kissing up.
If you’re quiet, distant, and don’t feel like talking, they call you a snob and accuse you of being stuck-up.
Yet, if you speak, they only shout you down and tell you to shut up.
If you’re dating, they think you’re having sex
If you’re not, they say it’s because you’re a prude, a loser, or that no one will have you.
You’re fully aware that everyone- everyone is watching you closely- clocking your every move, listening to every word that comes out of your mouth. They’re nosy, always prying into your private business. And they’re constantly waiting- just waiting for you to screw up- make a mistake- just one tiny error, all for the purpose of using it against you later and making it bigger.
Sweetie, I know that you’ve been unjustly and unfairly labeled- branded, like a cow. Even worse, they’re trying their hardest to make you believe it too.
But don’t! Don’t believe the lies! They don’t know you, even after so many years, your classmates still don’t know you. Because, for so long, they’ve been so busy pointing fingers at you that they never really took the chance to get to know you.
And what they don’t know is that you have a heart of gold.
You only want what everyone else wants and seems to have- friends and to be loved and accepted for the person you are. Although they may ridicule or demonize you for wanting those things, please know in your heart that there’s no shame in having those desires because it’s only natural to have them. It’s only human nature.
It seems that every time you pull yourself up, they always seem to be waiting to knock you back down again. But they only do it because they’re deathly afraid that if you ever rise, you’d take some of the spotlight from them, along with the benefits they’re getting at your expense.
When you try to talk about the brutality you suffer at school, the classmates bully you harder and the adults only turn a deaf ear. But understand that they only silence you out of fear- fear that their own bad behavior and shortcomings will be exposed. And the adults are afraid of being seen as negligent and of the impact on the school’s reputation. The town of Oakley prides itself in it’s schools.
You’re so anxious for school to just be over with, but don’t rush it. Instead, learn everything you can while you can. Get as much out of it now, while it’s easiest to do so!
You’ve been beaten down and trampled underfoot for so long that now, you’re feeling desperate- desperate to just pack up and leave. And you’re willing to go to any lengths necessary to get out of this toxic environment you’re trapped in. Just be sure that you don’t end up jumping out of frying pan and into the fire.
I also know that you’re in a hurry to grow up. You just want to turn eighteen and become an adult who can then have control over her own life. But please, slow down! Having control of your own life is not what it’s cracked up to be.
Please! Whatever you do, don’t lose hope because I promise you! Life will get better- much better. It’s just not time right now. Your due season hasn’t arrived yet.
(Continued in part 2…)