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stages of bullying

The 4 Stages of Bullying

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‘Want to know what the 4 stages of bullying are so that you can know to put a stop to it before it gets out of control?

the 4 stages of bullying

Bullying ruins the lives of millions of innocent people each year. If you’re one of them, you’re probably wondering how it begins and what it is about potential targets that attracts the ire of bullies. As someone who’s been in the crosshairs of bullies, I’m giving you the 4 stages of bullying, in full detail.

You will learn all the characteristics of each of the 4 stages of bullying so that you can know which stages your situation falls in.

Once you learn these phases, you will know what to do and if there’s still time to turn things around.

This post is all about the 4 stages of bullying and what you, as a target, can do to remedy the situation.

The 4 Stages of Bullying

This post isn’t about me and I always make sure to make every post about you, the reader. However, I feel compelled to tell you what my wise grandmother once told me.

“Never. And I mean NEVER… let anyone get comfortable with abusing and mistreating you.”

She was right. However, by the time she gave me that little gold nugget of wisdom, it was already too late.

I was in high school and had been a victim of bullying since moving to *Oakley School District in the sixth grade. Therefore, right then, I understood what she meant and why she gave me that advice.

Therefore, understand that bullying is a process. It goes through stages, the pre-beginning stage, beginning stage, middle stage, and late stage.

Moreover, the bullying can move through stages either quickly and even skip a stage or two, or more slowly. But, how it progresses depends on the situation, environment, and people involved.

1. Pre-beginning Stage of Bullying

A group of classmates or coworkers (bullies) search for a target. Once they spot a potential target (PT), they watch them closely, studying them. Here’s what the bullies try to figure out:

  • What excites the PT
  • Things that make the PT happy, sad, angry, upset, etc.
  • What the PT most desires
  • Any voids in life the PT has
  • Any unmet and unfulfilled wants and needs the PT has.
  • The PT’s body language and facial expressions to assess moods and mental states.

 In other words, the bullies want to know these things to find areas where the PT is most vulnerable. Then, they can figure out whether the person would be an easy target.

2. Beginning Stage (Grooming Stage)

If you’re that PT, understand that bullies will test the waters by throwing out subtle or not-so-subtle insults and attacks to see how you react. If you give the bullies the reaction they’re looking for, they will select you and make you their target.

In other words, the bullies use the above process to groom you.

By this stage, the bullies have gathered the intel they searched for in the pre-beginning stage. They then weaponize it and use it in their attacks against you.

For example: If the bullies find out that your father has a drinking problem, or that your husband or wife is cheating on you. They may use the info to bait you into a reaction.

They may say something to the effect of:

“Hey, So-and-so! I heard that your father is a drunk (or, your wife cheated on you)! Is that true?”

You then fire back saying:

“No, he’s not (she didn’t)! You lay off!

Next, the bullies put you on the defense, then build off your defensive reaction. The bullies laugh and say, “Aww! ‘Smatter? ‘Truth hurt?”

And on and on the bullies build on each answer to get you riled.

The bullies continue to berate you until they get bored with the same tactics. They then escalate the attacks.

 If you don’t stand up for yourself during this stage, you’ll come to be known as a pushover, a wimp- someone that is ripe for abuse.

And once that label becomes iron-clad, it will be almost impossible to keep people from using you as a doormat.

3. The 4 Stages of Bullying: Middle Stage.

In this stage, the bullies signal to other classmates or coworkers that you’re ripe for attack. Therefore, they encourage and even recruit bystanders to unite with them and join in the torment.

Moreover, bullies do this through gossip, rumors, accusations, and smear campaigns. They continue this behavior until, one by one, people begin turning against you.

As time goes by, more and more people turn their backs on you until you have no friends nor support system left.

Now, you have become radioactive. In other words, no one wants to associate with you because they know they’ll be next if they do.

Therefore, to ensure their own reputations don’t become tarnished, bystanders may avoid you altogether. Also, they may become willing participants in the attacks.

We call these people, secondary bullies.

During the middle stage of bullying, physical abuse begins.

In this stage, the bullying becomes physical. Therefore, bullies and others begin to physically attack you. First, they may accidentally on purpose, run into you in the hall or parking lot. Next, they’ll trip you as you’re walking outside.

After that, they hit you, kick, punch, and shove you. Finally, you’ll suffer brutal beatings by bullies and their new followers.

Although physical bullying can happen in the workplace, it’s much more common in the school environment.

The physical bullying then escalates to a climax. People seem to be standing in line, waiting on their turn to have a boxing match with you.

It grows to such that you, while only trying to defend yourself, get involved in many fights.

Consequently, the number of physical altercations causes teachers and staff (or police) to label you as the troublemaker.

Defamation of your character also grows during this stage.

Also, once the mistreatment goes on for so long, others get comfortable with abusing you. In fact, they grow so accustomed to being cruel to you that they don’t even think about nor care how they hurt you.

It is also during this stage that bullies and their recruits go home and tell their families horrible lies and rumors about you. The family members then spread the word to the people they know at work, the supermarket, etc.

Next, the coworkers, friends, and extended family members pass what they’re told to their families.  And word of your perceived evilness or craziness spreads throughout the entire community.

Thus, they completely decimate your reputation. Therefore, everyone meets your reputation before getting the chance to meet you in person.

Understand that people do this deliberately to create a toxic environment for you. In other words, they lay the groundwork for an environment that doesn’t allow you to receive support, make new friends, nor rise above the abuse.

Finally, your opportunities for love, friendship, jobs, careers, etc. are either limited or lost.

4. The 4 Stages of Bullying: Late Stage.

Bullying becomes mobbing when it reaches this stage!

Now, people who’ve never met you wish to attack you. It becomes a case of “you don’t know me, but I know you.”

Therefore, this stage is the most dangerous because everyone around you becomes deranged. Also, they get so emboldened that they don’t try to hide their hatred anymore.

And why not? They’ve gotten away with their abuse for so long that they know that there’s no incentive to stop the attacks.

 snowball effect

Once it reaches this stage, there’s no accountability. Moreover, when there’s no accountability for abuse, there are no limits to it.

Therefore, the bullies (and everyone else) can now escalate the abuse at will. This is the stage that bullying has become life-threatening.

Everyone in the community hates you and wants nothing more than to see you suffer. Understand that the “good people” of the community have no idea why they hate you. Moreover, they’ll never be able to tell you exactly what you did to deserve it.

All they know is that they loathe you and have an intense desire to destroy you.

Furthermore, people will come to expect you the take the abuse. Any attempts to defend yourself will only bring more outrage.

In fact, others will prevent you from questioning their abuse nor talking back to them when they verbally attack you. Also, they’ll try to prevent you from even talking about the abuse to people outside the dynamic.

In other words, when you finally get fed up and stand up to your persecutors, they won’t respect you for it.

The last and most dangerous of the 4 Stages of Bullying

Why is that? Because they’ve grown so accustomed to abusing you, any self-defense on your part takes them out of their comfort zones.

People love their comfort zones. Therefore, they’ll only retaliate and do everything in their power to subdue you. You’ll be in a constant battle which will only wear you down and exhaust you.

Again, this stage is the most dangerous and if you’ve reached this stage, now is the time to leave. Pick up and move to a different area and tell no one where you’re going or even that you’re moving.

Or transfer to a different school. Whatever the case, just find a way to quickly and quietly disappear because your life may depend on it.

Be warned that it is also during this stage that you’ll either die by suicide or leave town, move schools, or move on to a different company to pursue a better life. I hope you choose the latter and not the former.

If you choose the latter option, you’ll finally relocate and get a fresh start. You will also get a chance to reinvent yourself and move on to prosperity.

You will rebuild your life, begin to flourish, and create a better world for yourself.

Case In Point

You must firmly stand up to bad treatment in the early stages of bullying. Why? Because during these stages, it’s more likely that others will respect your right to be treated well.

Therefore, they’ll either leave you alone or began treating you better.

Whereas, if you allow the bullying go on for a long time before defending yourself, others will grow comfortable with abusing you. Therefore, they’ll probably only resent you for daring to open your mouth about it and stand up to their abuse.

They will then double down in their abuse or eliminate you somehow.

Why? Because, as mentioned earlier in the post, once people grow comfortable with mistreating you, it’s much more difficult to fight.

Therefore, always set and enforce your boundaries right when the bullying begins. Never let it go on for any length of time. The sooner you do, the easier it will be to assert your rights and avoid retaliation.

this post was all about the 4 stages of bullying so that you can better prepare your defense strategies.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground

2. People Pleaser Test: 4 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser

3. Putting Yourself First: 7 Powerful Self-Care Practices

4. Asserting Boundaries: The Pros Outweigh the Cons

5. How to Stop Being Too Nice: 5 Powerful Changes that Win Respect

Triumphing Over Workplace Bullying (Part 4)

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(Continued from Part 3…)

I remember a night when one of the flying monkeys, Shelly, a CNA, approached me in the hall, from behind and began screaming, cursing, and threatening to jump me over a rumor that had it that I was stabbing her in the back.

She threatened to attack me there on the spot physically, and there were bystanders!
When I turned around, faced her, and called her out for being unprofessional, Shelly became twice as angry.

Later, I was afraid that I might face termination because Shelly had escalated the confrontation to an unprecedented level. Also, I’d seen so many others whom these people had pulled the same tactic on getting fired left and right!

I remember thinking,

“Well, if I do get canned, they won’t be able to say they didn’t have to work hard at achieving that goal! At the very least, I’ll leave here knowing I put up one hell of a fight!”

One of the bystanders was Deb, the charge nurse, and Shelly’s supervisor and buddy. Therefore, I knew that Deb would sweep Shelly’s behavior under the rug and paint me as the instigator.

Sure enough, she did. These people had a way of turning everything around to fit their narrative and getting others to agree with it.

The other guy was always to blame.
It was always the other guy’s fault.
It was never their fault, and they were never wrong.

They reported the incident to Darnell and suggested that he terminate me right then and there. When he talked to me about it, I calmly explained that Shelly had approached me from behind in a very threatening manner, that I feared for my physical safety, and didn’t know what she would do had I not faced her down.

And by this time, I’d worked under Darnell long enough that he knew the kind of person I was and that I was only taking care of myself.

So, again, Darnell went to bat for me. Also, I had made an awesome friend out of Jane, who was another charge nurse at the nursing home. She, too, went to bat for me as did several of my coworkers.

Each time nothing happened to me, the bullies only became angrier and crazier, until they were all out for blood!

It was then that I starting noticing Jules hovering around in the hall just outside the door to the laundry room. Later, I’d see him milling around nearby anytime I’d stop in the hallway to greet and talk to friends. And I’ve got to tell you! He gave me such a creepy vibe!

Next, I began seeing him standing across the street from my apartment, smoking a cigarette. And I could tell he was watching my apartment. Now that freaked me out!

I found out that he and the neighbor across the street had begun dating and that he was there to see her. She didn’t allow smoking in her house, so he had no choice but to smoke outside. Still, I didn’t feel any better. I felt as if I was being stalked!

I knew why he was hanging around so close. Jules was an eavesdropper for Cammie and her group, listening in on our convos in the laundry room and my discussions with friends in the hallway. Everybody knew it because he’d eavesdropped on many others.

My instinct also told me they’d enlisted him to watch my house. He was watching to see what company I had over- looking for any information with which to report back to Cammie.

The fact that Jules’ girlfriend lived across the street from me was a convenient cover for him and they knew it. Although I knew what was going on, I didn’t speak of it because I knew I couldn’t without sounding completely nuts. I did the best thing by keeping it to myself but filing it in the back of my mind. The only people I told were my closest family and they knew I wasn’t kidding.

Luckily, his girlfriend was a good friend of mine and I knew she only kept him around because she was lonely. So, I used it to my advantage, and cozied up to her a little bit more so she would volunteer to tell me little tidbits about what he was doing. Sure enough, she confirmed my suspicions.

Not much later, Darnell, having himself become a target of the vitriol that inflected the workplace, announced to us that he had put in his two-week notice of resignation and was moving on to a better job and a better work environment.

Although we were happy that he’d finally found something better and was getting out of that hellhole, we were also deeply saddened because we’d miss him so much. We saw Darnell as our fearless leader, our Captain Ahab, and our hero!

What kind of leader would the new supervisor be? And would they protect us from those devils down the hall as Darnell had?

Choosing not to leave anything to chance, I decided that I’d put in my notice as well. Being the type of woman who would always think ahead, I knew that once Darnell was gone, I’d be totally at their mercy. I had a sickening feeling that the next supervisor would toady up to the bullies in the upper echelons of management and the social order.

Strict Boss: Angry upset young business woman with blank speech bubble on white on gray background. Vector illustration.

I knew that Cammie had long waited, with bated breath, for the day when Darnell would either quit or get fired. Then, she could begin working on the new supervisor, ingratiate herself in them, and turn them against us.

Sure enough, my closest coworker told me she’d overheard Cammie saying precisely that, and she was recommending that the new supervisor terminate three of us. Knowing I was one of the three, I quickly filled out my two weeks notice of resignation and gave it to Darnell.

Darnell introduced us to the new supervisor. She was a short, dumpy woman in her forties and by her facial expression, which was hard and cold, I made the conclusion that putting in my notice was the smartest thing to do and gave myself a pat on the back.

Spy Snooping Spiders Spies Covert Intelligence 3d Illustration

Off and on during the last two weeks, I’d catch those tiny micro flashes of suspicion and contempt the new supervisor would flash toward me and a few others. And the bullies were completely enraged once word of my pending exit reached their ears. But once I was out of there, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was quite proud of myself for having escaped that toxic place and walked away from the job with confidence and my self-esteem still intact.

But the best and juiciest part is yet to be told!

(Continued in Part 5…)

4 Harsh Truths about Bystanders and Witnesses of Bullying

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bystander effect

You not only never forget the bullies, but you also remember the people who were there- the people who had the power to help you but did nothing. Many times, the bystanders who saw it never tried to intervene and stop the attacks, nor did they speak up on my behalf.

As much as I hate to say it, I was guilty of the same thing. When I watched a few others get bullied, I said and did nothing, thinking that my voice wouldn’t make a difference if I did speak up. Other times, I was just damn glad that, for a change, I wasn’t the one targeted and that it was someone else taking heat for a change.

For this, I am very remorseful and would like to apologize to all the other targets I left to fend for themselves. I’m truly sorry.

Bullying Poster Concept Illustration bystanders

Here are the reasons bystanders do nothing to help a target of bullying:

1. They’re afraid of arousing the bullies’ anger and becoming the next target. No one wants to be a target of bullying. I get that. Many bystanders fear getting involved, and for good reasons. However, many bystanders do have some power because they’re high on the social hierarchy.

And the higher you are in the pecking order, the more weight your actions and words carry. So, why not use your power to help the target? Because if you’re extremely popular, the chances are that other bystanders will follow your lead and join you, and the bully will leave the victim alone. There’s strength in numbers.

2. The bystanders see the bullies’ torment of the target as entertainment. Bullies always bully in front of an audience to humiliate the target. During altercations between bullies and targets, bystanders immediately gather around to watch it go down.

Most bystanders then stand around, laughing and pointing fingers. Many of them cheer and egg the bully on, stirring it up to get more entertainment, all of which only encourages the bully to continue and even escalate the abuse.

As long as it isn’t them getting dogged out or having their brains beat in, most bystanders think it’s funny to see it happen to someone else.

Silhouette of two hands with smartphones, shoot a video on a sinking person’s hand, asking for help. The concept of a selfish society, a social problem

It’s the reason that instead of helping the target, bystanders will automatically whip out their smartphones and record the confrontation. They can then watch it later, send the film to their friends, and have another big laugh over it.

But! It’s not the least bit funny to the target. It’s painful and humiliating. It can be devastating to a victim who has already been a target of bullying for an extended time and can drive them over the edge.

3. The bystanders themselves either dislike or hate the target. In many cases, bullies have run vicious smear campaigns and turned everyone against their victims. When an altercation finally breaks out, the bystanders refuse to help the target because they think she deserves the abuse. Many times, these bystanders secretly or openly take pleasure in seeing the target suffer.

They may stand around snickering or join the bullies in tormenting the target. Often, the bullies are only doing to the victim what many bystanders wish they had the stones to do themselves. So, they get complete satisfaction in seeing someone else attack the target. Bystanders often hate the victim so much that they would defend a total stranger before protecting the victim they hate so intensely.

4. They don’t want to get involved. Many bystanders figure that it’s none of their business and choose not to get involved. These bystanders are so indifferent that they won’t even stop and watch. They will only pass by and keep going. They don’t care. Period.

Understand that bullies always perform in front of an audience to show their superiority, strength, and power. Bystanders who do nothing to stop the attacks only silently support and encourage the bullies. These bystanders are just as guilty as the psycho bullies who perpetuate the attacks.

Often, bystanders either don’t understand or underestimate the power they have, especially in large numbers. When witnesses speak up for the target, the bullies will likely stop and leave the target alone.

With knowledge comes empowerment!

How “Good People” Become Willing Participants in Bullying

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Even the best and kindest of people can help bullies to destroy a target. Oh yes! It’s true!

Many times, good people are either scared or duped into joining bullies in destroying targets. Understand that your bullies have either intimidated or lied to these people until they finally succeeded in turning them all against you.

What’s worse? These people really and truly do not believe they’re bullying you. They don’t see it as meanness and an attempt to cause another human being to suffer intense pain. People who willingly join with bullies and take part in torturing and tormenting another person do not think that what they’re doing is evil and sadistic. No.

What these people believe is that what they’re doing is good and morally right. Remember that you’ve been labeled immoral. Bullies have painted you as an evil adversary who needs to be punished.

Although the reality is that you’re totally innocent and wrongly persecuted, perceptions (opinions and attitudes) are everything, and bullies can easily distort others’ perceptions to fall in line with their narratives. And sadly, everything in life is based on appearances, and no one cares about what’s behind them.

Understand that, one by one, the “good” people will be sucked into the bullies’ smoke screens. And, one by one, they’ll join forces with the bullies in defeating “the evil enemy.”

These good people will gradually distance themselves from you. Then, little by little, they’ll join in the gossip and defamation of your character.

Again, these bystanders and witnesses don’t see what they’re doing as bullying. They genuinely believe that what they’re doing is a good thing- they’re only doing it for the greater good- the good of the school, alumni, and staff. They’re doing it for the sake of the company and people in it. They’re only showing loyalty and trustworthiness to the group. They’re heroes.

I want you to realize that this is how good people do bad things to innocent people. When this happens, the fact that you’re innocent and undeserving of the abuse and brutality just doesn’t come into it.

Also, understand that there are benefits that come with siding with a group against “the enemy” and few people will forgo those benefits.

With knowledge comes empowerment!